From being turned down by a girl for being "her sister's age," that went and has been dating a guy 10 years older, to friends creating friendships with my friends, but ive yet to make connections with my friends friends is just killing me at this point man. i feel like every ounce of effort is wasted. I have very good interactions with people who tell me im funny multiple times, to sharing their number with me (which turns out to wrong) to chilling for an entire weekend.
It feels like i put in 10k for advertising this month with zero roi. I notice that it's always a vetting period with me. Like 6 months go by and were chilling, and yet nothing gains way. Nothing grows. It almost seems fake towards the end because were friends without actually being friends. But why have me over in your place just to tolerate me? I hook up my friend with so many business connections, weekly business, advice on life and a consistent gym partner, and yet this motherfucker changes prices on me, prices he said would be the same, while admitting he doesnt give a fuck. And his weekend buddy whose gonna be a lawyer (the dude who gave me the wrong number) charges this idiot 10% plus for a fucking 1-2k loan which is due in a month. Thats who he considers a friend lmao. Id do it for free and when i offered, he told me if he didnt pay back hed just give me product. Wtf?
Somewhere along the line, i do ONE thing that throws them off and they decide im not one of them. It feels like that with all my relationships. I feel as if im drowning myself to be normal. To fit in. That just a drop of who I really am will repel ppl away. Im an extremely durable and mentally strong person, but im to a point where the loneliness wont shake off, im not doing the things i love, and i keep having the thought that i just wanna leave. Not kill myself, just be expired. It's a terrible terrible feeling to work so hard to not be angry asf all the time, from 0-45k net worth in a little over a year, paying off school, getting into shape, working on my social skills (people call me funny pretty frequently), and so much more just to be this damn unsatisfied.
Im not arrogant enough to think i know someone based on a vibe, but i feel like people think they can sense mine and judge me for it. Or i make a seemingly great impression, but theres still no connection. I feel like im a prisoner of reality, subject to peoples interpretations on a whim. And i could defend myself but while they express themselves freely with no consequence, i have to quickly swallow my anger and craft a response without trip wires.
I could let out the slightest indication that im pissed and people blow up on me. Ive seen people lose their mind angry and people act like its normal while i seriously consider telling that person they need to calm the fuck down. people can be super nice and engaging with me, and the very next day be completely cold and i accept it because were all human. But i have an off day and ppl murmur that im different, and slowly start to think, "oh hes starting to show his true colors." I have many colors, all of them true.
I told a lady at my job what the numbers of her account were and she told me she couldnt read it without her glasses. I jokingly said "really?" And even if i meant it, the bitch is driving without them so how tf cant you read 2 inches from your face? She is visibly an inch from making a scene, then goes for the shaking fist in the sky. Ive been COMPLETELY BLINDSIGHTED in social interactions where i still have no idea what triggered rhe person to come at me so strongly. Its so fucked because its the only thing i feel naturally talented in: inadvertently getting people to hate me. Even my very best without crossing the threshold of trying too hard reaps no rewards. It's honestly soul crushing because i secretly think very very highly of myself. And im the absolute antithesis of a talented person. Like God created me as a joke. But i defied the odds and found myself above average in many aspects life.
Any insights would be highly appreciated. Regardless of hate or support, thank you all.