I feel like this is something that only older guys might be able to relate to. I'm 31, and pretty much the walking definition of "beta" in many respects. I've definitely started really getting my shit together this year, and in a lot of ways, I feel a lot better about myself, even if there's still a lot of work ahead of me.
But every now and then, I get this feeling like I need to "let loose", or sort of "unleash" the real me.
Like... I'm not nearly as funny as I was when I was younger, but generally speaking, I seem to get along with people pretty well. I'm careful never to get too comfortable with people (especially since most of my social interaction is at work, where I try to keep things strictly professional), but I'm certainly friendly with people.
And that part isn't "fake". I really do like interacting with people one-on-one.
But at the same time, now and then it's like I just sort of... I dunno, it's like I kind of wish someone would fuck with me, just to give me some kind of justification to get into a fight. Just let out a guttural roar, and really wreck someone. But like, no one in particular; I get along with pretty much everyone.
The funny thing is, I think most people would probably describe me as being fairly timid. And really, I am pretty timid. Until I had a few drinks, and then it's like "the real me" starts to come out, and I feel like everyone likes that guy a whole lot more, myself included. The "me" that is loud, bold, and for some reason, people seem to want to be friends with (last time I really drank, I wound up basically becoming best friends with some badass biker dude, literally goes by the name "Bear").
I dunno. I guess I wonder if that's "normal", to have this whole side of your personality that you suppress in day-to-day life? Or is that something that's holding me back, that I need to dismantle the "normal, likable version of jcorb", and start really embracing that inner nature?
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