None of this will help, until you fix this

June 5, 2015
82 upvotes

No amount of PUA, Red Pill, or Alpha articles will help you until you fix this one core issue.

You have a fear of abandonment.

This is the one thing holding you back in every aspect of your life.

Symptoms:

-You are way too agreeable -You avoid confrontation (leads to you going ape-shit at the smallest infraction) -You get shit on by your friends constantly; You are at the bottom of your social hierarchy -You get crippling anxiety in social settings (leads to withdrawl) -You immerse yourself in your career but never advance like you should -You earn far less money than you should -You are afraid you will be "found out"; You are a fraud and don't know shit -You are stuck in a job that is going nowhere -You fall into a routine and are afraid to try new things -You don't approach women you are attracted to -You may have even convinced yourself that you have Asperger's -You put other people's needs before your own

How your fear of abandonment developed:

At a young age, your emotional needs were not met at some point. This ingrained a belief that you were somehow unworthy or defective. More importantly, you developed an irrational belief that this was your fault. You further developed this line of thinking into:

-If I am a pain in the ass, then they will abandon me. -If I have needs, they will abandon me. -If I ask for anything, they will abandon me. -If I am liked by everyone they will NOT abandon me.

How to put yourself on the path to recovery:

Think back to your childhood. Focus on the times you remember being upset. Focus on the times you remember being in pain.

Here's an example:

You were upset because you wanted to hang out with your father but he wasn't around because he was always working.

Now, relive these experiences from the perspective of an adult.

New perspective on the example above:

Of course my father was working all of the time! He wanted me to have a better life. I want the same thing for my kids! It wasn't my fault and I am certainly not defective!

As you start to put an adult perspective on all of these painful childhood experiences, you start to realize how IRRATIONAL your fears of abandonment are.

NO ONE IS GOING TO ABANDON YOU!!

Start repeating this any time you experience rejection or are feeling depressed. You will quickly start to laugh at your old self and how irrational you used to be.

You will start to realize how much you have been self-sabotaging yourself out of fear of abandonment. You were preventing yourself from being successful out of fear that people would figure you out as a fraud (and abandon you). Complete bullshit!! This is what will break you free.

As a result, you will: -Finally feel like your true self -No longer be afraid to ask for a promotion or go on job interviews -No longer be afraid to approach women (you'll still get anxious, but won't give a shit if it turns out bad) -Assert yourself at work -Stand up for yourself -Become more sociable and be open to new experiences -Start your own business without making up bullshit excuses about how it won't work

Most importantly, you will start getting your own needs met. This is the key to truly being a man.

This post was heavily inspired by Dr. Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" -- READ IT! Even if you are in denial that you are a nice guy, READ IT! It is a true game changer.

After that read these two books:

  1. "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" along with the companion book "Feel the Fear And Beyond" by Dr. Susan Jeffers -NOTE: This book is excellent for getting you to work through your fears. It will help you to grow in leaps and bounds.

  2. "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith -NOTE: The first few chapters are a little heavy on the shrink shit. But once you get into the sections on Fogging, Negative Assertion, and Negative Inquiry, the book really starts to pick up. You'll have fun applying these techniques to people trying to manipulate you on a daily basis.

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Post Information
Title None of this will help, until you fix this
Author MrFicks
Upvotes 82
Comments 21
Date June 5, 2015 11:24 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit /r/becomeaman
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/becomeaman/none-of-this-will-help-until-you-fix-this.137567
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/becomeaman/comments/38qgz1/none_of_this_will_help_until_you_fix_this/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

It's good except

NO ONE IS GOING TO ABANDON YOU!!

Unrealistic attitude that may foster more fear. Best thing to do is to accept, as chuck palahniuk says, that everyone who loved you will either leave you or die. And becoming comfortable with that fact by facing situations of failure and rejection until you don't give a shit.

[–]MrFicks[S] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

That is true...Either way you are facing your fears. Just act. Don't let fear of abandonment paralyze you. Just know that when someone does abandon you, YOU WILL HANDLE IT!!

[–]instantdance 2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I'd been working on most of those symptoms you listed for a few years and I finally started to make some progress opening up with people and putting myself in uncomfortable social situations. Things were looking up and I was the happiest I'd ever been. People actually liked me when I opened up more, or so I thought.

I have a handful of examples, but in the most painful scenario, the first girl I ever loved abandoned the shit out of me. We were together for months and then I watched as she walked from my side into the arms of an old lover without a single word and never spoke to me again. All he had to do was show up. It broke me, but I wasn't a bitch about it. I tried calling her maybe a dozen times in the 2 weeks following because a text wasn't going to sort this out. When all I heard was radio silence I got the message and deleted her number and what I could of her memory. After all what was special about her? She was just another person who had abandoned me.

I'm still working on overcoming my issues, but it's important to be aware that people can and will abandon you for completely selfish reasons, so be careful who you choose to spend your time with.

[–]MrFicks[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That sucks...I think most of us have had similar experiences. Just make sure you are not blaming yourself for this. If you made some mistakes that's fine, you're allowed to. But it sounds like she has some deep rooted issues of her own. From the tone of your post, it sounds like you are still playing the role of a victim. You are not a victim here and you need to stop viewing yourself as one.

[–]KilluaKanmuru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Why must one be careful? To avoid pain? No, this is not the way. The way is to accept the pain and then let it go.

[–]davidzysk0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

/r/stoicism for the right attitude to have on rejection

[–]Carbone8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I will do this. Starting reading NMMNG

[–]RaginCajunProdKrewe1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Came across the book myself as well, and I have to say I'm glad this post was titled what it is.

For guys out there who read and 'get' all the redpill shit but still have great trouble actualizing the knowledge, who maybe have the feeling that most of these things are above their level and are are wondering "What's my first step," this book is the first step. This is the launchpad that'll get you moving and in the right frame of mind to truly fix the shittiness in your life.

[–]redpill-visceral3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I thought I was evolving until I read this topic and later reading about 30 pages of NMMNG. It a punch into my stomach and makes me so anger with myself and my family that I want to scream and cry. I'll elaborate this better on a single post, but here is what I can remember from my family. I was the younger brother of three boys, I had a hard (tuff) and worker mother and an absent father always travelling in business:

  1. One day (I should have 5-6) me and my brothers were fighting as usual as boys always fight... My mother was alone (father traveling) and I think she run out off resources against us and he just tell us: - Goodbye. And left home. Me and my brothers went to the front window as she just waved to us, enter in the car and left. My middle brother told us: - Momma is leaving!. It was a very fearfull moment, I felt abandoned and desperated. Exactly the abandon thing we are talking about. She come back home after an hour or so, I don't remember very well. My mother could achieve her goal of making us little sheeps, but what's the price of it? This is fucked up thing to do with little boys, and I was the younger and probably more sensible one. I believe became a nice boy after that and eventually a Nice Guy.

  2. I was NEVER allowed to give my opinion on anything. Every fucking time I opened my mouth they crucified me. Or my mother, my father or even my brothers: - You`re the younger, you know nothing, your opinion is irrelevant. Shut up and listen, you don't know what's best for you... So I had to accept every fucking thing, what was good and what was bad for me, I never picked up a sport to play, my father always did. My mother picked up tennis shoes for my, I had no opinion at all. Not even a fucking tshirt. Eventually I took the profession that my family wanted, because I was to stupid to listen to myself and always gave more weight to the opinions of others. I had never fell I am part of the family, I was just there for serving and listening.

  3. Never complain of nothing. My mother always came with this harsh speach:* - You have everything you need. We work to give you the best of the best. When you have your house, your money, you will be free to do what you want.* Yes... I know sometimes she was right, that I was complaining of stupid shit. But come on, sometimes is important to be listened, the complain is real. If you treat your kid as an asshole all the time he will never trust you for listening.

  4. Always being told how my brothers were better than me. That they helped in the hard times, because we're poor, and I was the lucky one to been born when the family had more money and so I was the spoiled kid, that I had to work out to be as good as them. And this never changed. I still the shit of the family, my father doesn't respect me.

Thinking all of that, my conclusion is:

  1. I never had the oportunity to be myself. Everything I did was wrong in some level. So I lied, I hided my feelings, hide my failures, hide who I was, to be into the expectations of others. Fearing of the abandon. Also had (and still have) a massive fear of confrontation. I always paied close attention to people reactions and become specialist in: IF I say/do X(what I think/want) people will react Y(bad), so will say/do Y(what they want) people will react X(good). And that was it. That was my stupid formula.

  2. I never had anyone to open with. My mother was always judging me, my father, absent, near a stranger to me. No one to tell about my feelings, my struggle, my falts. Sometimes I just wanted to kill everyone. I hated people, I hated my family, I hated school people. When I had my first girlfriend I just opened with her and spit out all of my feelings. I don't neet to tell you that I was a submissive boy and manipulated all the time.

I made huge evolution in a lot of areas, like beeing assertive, dominant, getting girls, keeping them, not being needy, being more confident... but it's just a shell, I did not dig deep into myself. So, this Mr. Nice Guy shit is so rooted into myself that is hard to overcome it, I need to go deeper. Eventually I will get through it. I had no idea of how this was affecting my life, not into only into relationships, but in my career also!

I'm 29 now, I feel miserable and a fail. It's hart so say this (even here), but is part of the process not to hide anymore. I still live with my parents, I lost all my money with my ex-girlfriend, because we're going to get married and I bought an apartment, them I just figured out the shit I was doing and jump off in the last moment. I failed at my profession, specially because I coudn't confront people and accept the responsability of my work. Also I was addicted in gambling and lost a good amount of money into. So I basically starting over my life at this age with nothing. I have a lot cash from my previous jobs but I don`t know when I will be able to cash out (justice related issues).

I know it's my responsability to overcome this. I just know a little more about myself now, pissed off, but happy to grow and share with you guys.

My current goals:

  1. Stop worring with others so much. I'll not fix their lives anymore. It`s not my responsability.

  2. Start some martial art (Boxe or Muay Thai), I think will improve my confrontation skills (already lifting and running).

  3. Leave parents house.

[–]MrFicks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for sharing that...I can tell you that I went through an anger phase as well. Once the anger wore off, I felt empowered. I felt like a man for the first time in my life and most importantly, I felt like I was in control of my life.

I too had to improve on my confrontation skills. What helped me was to focus on being assertive instead of confrontational. Pick up a book on assertiveness training. It will make you realize how much people have been manipulating you into doing things you don't want to do. It will also help you to break your "Nice Guy" reflexes in social interactions.

[–][deleted] 2 points2 points | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]redpill-visceral2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks a lot for your feedback and sharing. I also feel very good for sharing this. In real life people would say: You´re such pussy, you had a wonderful life, this is nothing compared to true suffering. Well, guess what, this is true suffering for me, this affects my life.

I can see the situations 1 and 2 that you described are very similar. Both are situations of injustice. Because you did nothing wrong and even there you suffered because for actions that were beyond your power of control. And situation 3 is very similar to mine, you didn´t had voice, your needs were not meet, you probably learned how to hide inside yourself.

Now I'm trying to overcome this anger, the anger phase as they say. In the book he says: Don´t blame, just understand. I think this is the first step. It will be a long way I´m sure of it until I put this into my core. For example... I can say NO to someone, but I feel guilty about it - I feel in my guts!. I think - I should apologise. In essence, I fear that the person will abandon me. But I with my concious mind I can say: NO. And I say to myself: I will not apologise, there´s no need.

I´ll send you a PM.

[–]sartrei2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a great, concise summary of 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'. Definitely worth saving. Thank you! Reminded me of some things I need to place greater focus on.

[–]DJVendetta2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You may have even convinced yourself that you have Asperger's

I laughed out loud for a good 10 seconds. I'm working on it...

[–]bainbriggeroller0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm pretty sure I've told myself this on more than one occasion...not very often mind but even once is a big warning sign thinking about it.

[–]GauntletThrown 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

While I think you absolutely hit the nail on the head with your assessment of people with those traits, I think your advice is a little shallow. Anyone who has abandonment issues from childhood is going to have to do a lot more than merely amp themselves up into doing stuff. They're gonna have to dig deep and do some real mental work and fundamentally change the way they view almost every interpersonal and intrapersonal matter they deal with

[–]MrFicks[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Absolutely...This is a life long process. The first step is identifying the abandonment issue. Then you need to improve step by step. The 2 books suggested at the end of the post help you do this. Facing fears and becoming more assertive help you to get over your abandonment issues.

[–]santander260 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for post. Actually, i have this thanks to my terrible young ages. I have to fix this.

[–]Otah_Machi0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Taming Your Outer Child by Susan Anderson and Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb are two other books that deal with the prolonged issues if childhood abandonment.

[–]Lt_Muffintoes0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Of course my father was working all of the time! He wanted me to have a better life. I want the same thing for my kids! It wasn't my fault and I am certainly not defective!

Only the last sentence is true. If you ask most children whether they would rather have more electronic gadgetry, or more time with their dad, I'd be sad for you if you think they'd answer the former. The whole post is about how paternal abandonment leads to severe psychological issues.

Guys, talk with your kids. Having a slightly lower income is not the end of the world.

[–]neptronix-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fuck, this is my life verbatim. How did you know? Thank you very much.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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