I see this issue come up somewhat regularly on r/askMRP and r/RPChristians, but I don't see a lot of content on this. People are told, "Don't get butthurt," but they apply that phrase in a totally wrong way. So, let's get this clear.

WHAT IS "NOT BUTTHURT"?

To be overly simplistic, there are only two reactions to any tests a woman throws at you: (1) butthurt and (2) not butthurt. Duh. Obviously we want "not butthurt." But most people mistakenly apply this by saying, "X is butthurt. I'm not X, so I wasn't butthurt." In reality, yes, X is butthurt ... but so is Y and Z and A, B, C, and a ton of other things. To that end, it's a waste to try to define everything that is butthurt. We're better off trying to define the much more limited response of not butthurt. Here's my definition of "not butthurt": Positive emotional reaction. That's it.

Now, this isn't the best definition, but for new guys it's the most useful one. Why? Because it leaves no room for ambiguity. We all agree that negative emotional reactions (anger, yelling, resentment, etc.) are definitely butthurt. Positive emotional reactions are not. There is a phase in-between where most guys wind up living, thinking that they're being "stoic." This emotional gray area is too complex for many men to understand or fake their way through, but a woman can sniff it out immediately. You're walking in gray, but they see black and white. This puts you at a serious disadvantage until you've developed a strong sense of your own frame.

So, if you're new around here and you read: "Don't get butthurt," rather than thinking, "Don't react with negative emotions," tell yourself, "Oh, I need to respond with a positive emotional reaction when she does that."

DISSECTING BUTTHURT

Women are emotional creatures. They thrive on emotions. They don't even care what emotions they're feeling most of the time - they just want emotions. Good emotions are the best, obviously. But to the surprise of many a man, bad emotions are actually better to women than no emotions. Accordingly, when a woman is testing you - be it a compliance, fitness, or comfort test - she's trying to evoke an emotional reaction out of you. If she can do this, it shows her that she has power over you.

Consider a wife who asks her husband to warm up the car for her. Assume she's equally capable of doing it or that it's a luxury and not a necessity. This is a clear test. What is hypergamy trying to do here? How should a man respond? I'll give the possible responses in order from worst to best.

  • BETA POSITIVE: "Sure honey, I'll warm up your car. And maybe when I'm done, will you let me give you a foot rub too? After I get the dishes done first, of course."

    • This is a "not butthurt" response. It's also a garbage one. If she can evoke a positive, supplicating response, that's the ultimate source of affirmation to the BB side of her hypergamous drive. "I have him wrapped around my finger," she thinks. Don't be a BB. If you're her BB, she's going to look elsewhere for her AF. It's not enough to be "not butthurt" - you have to be alpha in your not-butthurt-ness.

    • This is the definition of acting in her frame.

    • Relevant Passages: Samson and Delilah - Samson supplicated and it was his downfall (Judges 16); Potiphar's wife - her husband let her live high on the hog and left her alone with a hot guy (Genesis 39)

  • NEGATIVE EMOTION: "Screw you! Where do you get off thinking you can boss me around, you stupid whore!"

    • Whether you comply or not, if you respond with negative emotion, you're still giving her an emotional high. She might not like it in the moment, but it gives her something to complain about to her girl friends, something to post about on social media, something to stew about in the shower, etc. Her life now has a plot and she gets to take the center stage. Something is better than nothing to her. If she ever feels bored in the relationship and she knows how to get you to react emotionally, she'll do it, even if she knows it's going to blow up in her face. She'll probably even cheat on you because that's going to give her the strongest emotional response of anything she could throw at you. Your negative emotional reaction = a display of her power to manipulate your emotions. Even if she doesn't get her way, because she knows she can manipulate your emotions, you're still her BB. She owns you.

    • This is also acting in her frame.

    • Relevant Passages: "Proverbs 29:11 - "A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back." Proverbs 15:18 - "A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention."

  • NO EMOTION/"ROBOT MODE": "No. I will not warm up your car." "I said no. No means no." <Broken record until she's gone.>

    • This is where most guys screw up. When their wives come at them, they shut down into "robot mode." All emotions go out the window, they look with a plain, blank face, and they engage purely on logical analysis and calculated behavior patterns. I lived in this phase for a long, long time. This is absolutely infuriating to women because it denies them any semblance of what they're looking for, and it also shows them that you can't handle playing the game. It tells them you just don't care. Most guys think this "robot mode" is the same as "being stoic" (for example). It's not. The one redeeming factor in "robot mode" is that you finally learn to STFU and stop caring about whatever crap is spewing out of her mouth and all over your face. With your emotions shut down, it doesn't get to you ... at least not in the moment. But if you get into "robot mode" by bottling up the negative emotions, don't turn yourself back on and experience it all at once afterward.

    • This is the ultimate spurn off to hypergamy. She doesn't get BB satisfaction of controlling you, but she also has no AF interest in you. This is the only way I know of actually defying hypergamy. Of course, the goal isn't to defy the system - it's to make it work for you.

    • Congratulations. You've finally left her frame. Of course, you don't have a frame of your own yet either.

    • Relevant Passages: 2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." Proverbs 3:6 - "Do not lean on your own understanding." See also all the times God interacts with his people - he's rarely a robot, more often responding with some type of emotion. Toward his people in their infancy, it involved anger. Toward his bride post-Gospel, it's usually a positive emotion, not a negative one.

  • NEUTRAL EMOTION: "Not today, babe." "It's not a big deal. You can warm up your own car. I'm watching the game. Have fun at work!"

    • This is where you maintain your tone, unaffected by whatever she's doing. You continue to talk to her the same way as if she had asked you, "How's your day?" with a smile. But now she's saying, "How's that whore you've been hanging out with, you lying cheater!" and you answer her in the same emotional tone as if she had asked if you could pass the butter. You're not emotionless. You're normal. You're unphased. You're you.

    • Now you're hinting at having an alpha side. You're unshakable. You're trigging her AF tingles.

    • Now you are living in your own frame ... you just haven't invited her in yet. This is a necessary first step for most guys. It's one thing to say you're here, but if you haven't internalized it and you tell yourself, "I played it cool," but inside it's actually taking any effort at all to maintain that composure ... you're really in the "no emotion" camp and she knows it. As has been said here a number of times: women can sniff out your internal emotional state like a bloodhound. It's one of their God-given (or if you're an atheist: "evolved through natural selection") super powers. Don't assume you can put on "neutral emotion mode" and she won't know you're faking it. You actually have to BE unphased.

    • Relevant Passages: Proverbs 15:13 - "A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed." Romans 12:9 - "Let love be genuine."

  • ALPHA POSITIVE: "I have a better idea ... how about I warm you up instead?" with a big grin and a smack on the butt.

    • This is when your mood actually brights up in response to her tests. AA stops being a tactic you employed in "neutral emotion mode" and just becomes part of who you are. She complains about you not doing the dishes, and her complaint makes you smile. You are happy to hear her complaining about you because (1) it's another opportunity to get her engines revved up, (2) it's genuinely funny to you how she prioritizes and conceptualizes the world, (3) you can enhance the resolution on your relational cartography, and (4) she makes really cute faces when she's feisty.

    • Not only do you have your own frame, but you're inviting her to join you in that frame. You're brightening her mood, despite your rejection of her request.

    • If she accepts your invitation, once she's in your frame, you're the AF she's been waiting for. Congratulations: you've just made hypergamy work for you.

    • Relevant Passages: 2 Samuel 6 - David dances naked and his wife nags him about it and he says he'll go out and keep dancing [note: she rejected his frame anyway - that can/does happen]. Luke 10:38-42 - When Martha nags Jesus about Mary and he just enjoys what Mary's doing anyway [presumably Martha did enter Jesus' frame after that].

Now, technically a "neutral emotion" response is "not butthurt" as well. So, when I say that "not butthurt" is only defined by a positive emotional response, you can see where I go wrong. But because most guys think they're "neutral" when in fact they're in "robot mode," and because their wives can see it clear as day ... it's just not worth the risk. So, just skip "neutral emotion" mode altogether and shoot for "alpha positive."

The one caveat I give there is that if you've been living in "beta positive" or "negative emotion" for too long before finding RP, and the idea of being "alpha positive" is unrealistic under your current frame condition, then and only then should you shoot for "neutral emotion," understanding that 9 times out of 10 you're really going to be in "robot mode" and just not realize it.