What Do I Do? My Wife Is Openly Unattracted To Me + Interested In Other Men / Past Relationships

macmeeler · 2018-04-08T05:19:58+00:00

If she’s been with you so far, you owe it to her to own up to reality and become the man. We’re all being hard on you but we want to drill into you so you’ll be tougher. Get that primal instinct in you going. You’re a man. You get what you want. You are capable. You don’t settle for being an undesirable husband. Make change in your life. I recommend listening to Jordan Peterson lectures on motivation, goal-setting, having purpose, things like this. Also look up how to excite women emotionally. Also pray a lot lol.

I agree with all the other posters. Withdraw attention. Go pursue the awesome life that you’ve been neglecting having.

OsmiumZulu · 2018-04-08T00:45:15+00:00

Bro, do you even lift?

What is your:

Weight?
Height?
BF%?
Bench?
Squat?
Deadlift?

rocknrollchuck · 2018-04-07T19:05:12+00:00

When she brings it up, she says she was "never really attracted to you" "only got marred because I found someone who was committed" "have always struggled with being attracted to you"

When she says these things, always add "right now" to the end of her statement. That's how she feels in the moment.

in an effort to "be like Christ" I went from living and acting Alpha as a single to getting married and going full Beta. Right after our wedding she fell into intense depression and in my naive mindset I wanted to be there and thought serving and loving unconditionally (Doing whatever she wanted) was obviously the best / Christlike way to help her and our marriage. Over time my shift in roles from Alpha to Beta has created a loss of attraction in my wife.

So you know what the problem is: you. That's good. That's the one thing you have control to fix. How about your physical stats? Do you lift weights? If so, which program and how long? Height, weight, BF%? Your age, her age? Any kids/ is she pregnant?

She has become very vocal about how I let her down, how she wishes we weren't married, how she is disgusted and regrets every having sex with me... And then she'll apologize later. All that to say its a constant thing - Every day or two she'll explode over something or go mad depressive...

She's crying out for you to take charge and get your act together.

I suspect maybe there is a chemical inbalance, but she has refused to get any bloodwork

That's the easy way out - that way you don't have to blame yourself. Forget about it for now. Work on YOU.

Last night I asked her if there is anything we need to talk about that we don't because its uncomfortable... She opened up and said when she is feeling unattracted to me she has been feeling attracted to other guys / thinking about past relationships and missing them. And how she doesn't feel the same spiritual connection with me as her last LTR

Dude... why? This was YOUR fault - YOU asked. Put it behind you and don't ask again.

I had no idea what to say about all this. I don't want to be beta anymore... so what the heck do I do? Sit there and listen to her go on about the other guys she's attracted to and how I fall short, or tell her I don't want to hear it and she goes and tells someone else.

Become the guy she IS attracted to.

Start reading the sidebar, especially rocknrollchuck's links to MRP posts. Read all of them, then the rest of the sidebar. You CAN fix the one thing under your control: YOU.

The_Adm0n · 2018-04-08T11:22:03+00:00

Your definitions of serving, loving, and being Christ-like are all off. None of those involve "doing whatever she wants."

You serve by being a strong, compassionate, and wise leader in your relationship.

You love by protecting, inspiring, and serving your partner. Loving parents still don't let their children walk all over them.

When you say "Christ-like," remember that Jesus rebuked sinners and wasn't afraid to toss a table or two. You need to stand up for what's right and not let her bullshit go un-rebuked. Don't be afraid to make things uncomfortable or awkward. She needs to understand that there are consequences for what she says and does. Like a child, she will get away with what you let her get away with.

First, work on yourself. Work out, eat right, develop good habits, obtain wisdom. The goal is to increase the value you bring to the people around you (not just your wife). This will go a long way toward giving you the self-confidence you need to become the good leader that your marriage needs. She needs to have some modicum of respect for you if she's ever going to take your leadership seriously. You don't ask for respect and get respect. You be respectable, and get respect.

When (if) she begins to respect you and see you differently, then you can lay on the dread game and other disciplinary RP practices. You've made efforts to make yourself a better husband (an ACTUAL better husband, not a cuck beta). Now if she wants you to stick around, she needs become a better wife.

IronMonk48 · 2018-04-08T18:06:08+00:00

Hit the gym. Lift. Straight up improve yourself and become the best man you can. If she leaves you will be in great position to upgrade. If she stays then even better from a Christian perspective.

Dread wont work on her as she would actually enjoy being apart from you. It's possible she may be trickle trusting you and has been chatting with other men already.

Focus on being a better, stronger, sexier man and devote your time to God. The rest will fall into place my friend.

Red-Curious · 2018-04-08T04:39:51+00:00

The only thing I'd add to what /u/OsmiumZulu and /u/rocknrollchuck said is this: OP - what's your mission?

She probably doesn't respect you because she doesn't see eternal value to what you're doing. She wants to be married to a man she can be proud of - someone she can stand next to on judgment day with a bright and shiny smile and say to God, "I helped him do it." You don't have that respect, you won't have her desire.

Looks, leadership, being alpha, etc. are all incredibly important and probably top priority for single guys. But I fully believe they soon become a VERY close second after marriage. Women never stop asking the question, "Where is this going?" Women are never satisfied and never will be. No matter what you give them they will always say, "Awesome! Next I want ..."

When they're single they only have marriage on their minds. Then they want a house. Then kids. Them a bigger house. Then more kids and a minivan. Then to vacation in certain places. Then to redecorate the house. Etc. They're shortsighted, only seeing the next step ahead.

You have to be the visionary. You have to be the one to say, "Our lives will be oriented around this one thing. We might get the house and kids and minivan along the way ... we might not. But come what may, our lives will matter to eternity." That's a powerful attitude. It also lets her know you aren't going to be bogged down by her shortsightedness. You're not going to let her wants and feelings call the shots. You're setting the agenda and it's a better agenda that the garbage she probably has in mind.

This is attractive. This shows her that there's more to you than the billions of betas and dime-a-dozen alpha-players out there. It proves you have something that's rare that she'll likely never find again.

Then you actually have to live it out. And if you can be alpha about it too ... that's the icing on the cake.

So I ask: how are you going to make heaven a better place? Clothe the homeless, feed starving children, fund cancer research ... that's all great for improving a dying planet and populace, but what is going to be your impact on eternity. Or more accurately: who will you impact for eternity? Then show, don't tell.

Willow-girl · 2018-04-07T19:31:12+00:00

Men need sex, women need love. It's time to withdraw your time from her. Spend lots of alone time with God. Go out with the guys to play pool or watch a movie, spend time on hobbies, etc, as often as you can.

Let her know how it would actually feel for you to be out of her life.

The church misleads many, many men by teaching them to be beta as all hell, and the wife responds by drying up and never wanting to bang, sadly.

redeemedpr · 2018-04-11T19:07:17+00:00

My 2 cents , from someone who has been there---

First off, don't get her pregnant now, or for some time. Be on the watch, because if she feels trapped in the marriage she may -subconsciously- trick you into pregnancy, because having a child would fill the void and give her life meaning.

I agree you need to go on an improvement mission. Lifting, knowledge, confidence. But, you should be careful with the withdrawing. Although I disagree with willowgirl as to why, I agree it can be a double edged sword. No need to go into much more depth on that now. Just reorder your thoughts like this --- you need to remove her from any place of "lifegiving" in your life. Your focus needs to be God first and going to Him with your disappointment and for companionship. Then, your career. Now is truly a chance to excel in your vocation. If you dont have one (or one you like) then your mission is to find one. Then, your fitness. Then, your hobbies. She should be behind all of these things right now in terms of giving you life. Withdraw does not mean to neglect altogether. But, its time to build a life where you are fulfilled, or fighting to be fulfilled, no matter how she feels about you.

This will be a journey. There is no paragraph or serious talk you can have with her to turn this around. Essentially telling her to like you and respect you will only accomplish the opposite. As others have said, and is the key point, become someone any woman would desire. Read the sidebar for who that is.

JT-Anderson · 2018-04-19T04:00:19+00:00

Outcome independence. Do what you need to do to improve yourself as a man. And when you feel guilty for being "selfish", remind yourself that if you're not happy, she’ll never be happy either.

purifash · 2018-04-21T20:51:55+00:00

Be better.
Ignore her words.
Set boundaries.
Is she can not abid, show her the door.

Willow-girl · 2018-04-07T18:57:20+00:00

When she brings it up, she says she was "never really attracted to you" "only got marred because I found someone who was committed" "have always struggled with being attracted to you"

I would see if an annulment is possible in your case as it seems she did not represent herself honestly when she married you. (I'm assuming there are no children involved here.)

Then, get to work on yourself and don't make the same mistake twice!

Title	What Do I Do? My Wife Is Openly Unattracted To Me + Interested In Other Men / Past Relationships
Author	hopeunseen
Upvotes	5
Comments	44
Date	April 7, 2018 5:54 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/8ajrl7/what_do_i_do_my_wife_is_openly_unattracted_to_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/what-do-i-do-my-wife-is-openly-unattracted-to-me.301967 https://theredarchive.com/post/301967