So I was chatting with my wife who went to go see her good friend and bake cookies and drink wine (because apparently that's what you do around the holidays), and she mentioned that a female friend of both of theirs was probably going to get divorced.

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Wait, what? So I get the details.

So apparently this friend did something idiotic in the kitchen and swore in front of her child, and then the husband came down on her like a ton of bricks, saying stuff like "You're the worst mother in the world", and similar such items that really are in the category of "Stuff you say that causes divorce". Really fairly bad stuff.

Apparently this girls husband, who I have hung out with a few times, is controlling... beyond excessively controlling - as in you can't leave the house without me being there kind of controlling.

But the story gets worse.

So then, unbeknownst to the wife, the husband goes to the pastor and implores the pastor to publicly have her confess to sinning. Pastor says no, we don't have that kind of tradition here, that's not something we do, this is a family affair. And I think he might have counseled him a bit too, knowing the guy.

So then, what does he do? He then goes to the elders of the church with the same story, and they say the same thing. It was probably fairly uncomfortable as well.

I hear the other tidbits of info, as my jaw is dropping (keep in mind this is all thirdhand):

Both of them are late twenties.

The wife works at a different church.

The guy went to a christian college and christian high school.

The guy has a massive problem with porn, as in needs therapy, started to go to therapy but stopped for whatever reason.

They both are in couples counseling, which doesn't seem to be working.

I hear the pastor who did their premarital counseling (different pastor) advised them not to get married - they were too young (but they did anyway, because as we all know that feeling of being in loooooove is like heroin to the brain).

This also made me wonder - if you're in premarital counseling, and the pastor says "Don't get married...", what sort of red flags did the pastor see at that time.

A year after they got married, they had a oooops baby (heh, what did you expect when you have sex).

The guy was saying stuff like "You can't divorce me, you'll lose your job at the church", etc.

Keep in mind this guy doesn't go to church very frequently, but berates her if she doesn't go.

The wife didn't mention physical abuse, but who knows. If there was physical abuse though she probably wouldn't mention it because then people would start to get involved as in call the cops involved, and not sure she would be ready for that - as then the relationship would be over. But again, who knows - generally what I know about this guy I would think he wouldn't do such a thing.

Of course, when I've chatted with the guy in the past, none of this came out. Just seemed like a normal guy, likes IPAs. But little do you know, right.

So my jaw was pretty much on the floor here, mostly because I never would have expected something like that to be going on. I was reminded of a recent podcast I was listening too... "Hell is real... and if you don't think hell is all around you, you're not looking hard enough." A wife who lives in fear of her husband abusing her, etc. And the husband too - what sort of hell he must live in. Consumed by guilt. Anger. Driven by culture and upbringing. Prideful in his own ways. Full of self-loathing. Desperate for control.

To be fair, we only have one side of the story here. Who knows what he would say.

Do I have a idea on what would get this guy to maybe turn things around. Of course I do. Do I think this guy would listen to me? No. I can sense it - I don't think this guy would listen to me about this stuff. Despite what folks think I can read people pretty well, and for me to bring up biblical or shall we say sidebarrish principles wouldn't go that well. People get stubborn about their convictions, especially around religion. Plus the pastor and elders are on the case. I will mention that I invited him to a evening mens group, which he declined due to work.

Unfortunately, I think it's going to get worse, as in divorce. Sad. I know them both, plus their extended families. The baby is very cute.

So is there a question? No, not really. Just a story and perhaps a example on culture. Don't see this all too often - RC, this might be a common story to you.