Biblical Way to Discuss Sex Needs With Spouse

Deep_Strength · 2022-01-05T16:35:08+00:00

My wife’s sex drive is pretty minimal. Mine is very very high. I workout a lot, played college sports and am very active. My wife is active, but not as much as I am. My wife does not like to discuss sex topics very much, as it is uncomfortable for her at some points. I focus on being patient with this as everyone is different for sure.

I guess I’m getting to the point of a lot of frustration sexually. I saved myself for marriage, and my drive and passion is very high for her. Yet if she had sex once a week or once every two weeks it just doesn’t matter to her. With my drive being very high, it is becoming tough to figure out how to explain to her my needs with my love language being physicality.

So it needs to be asked, but what did you do pre-marriage about this?

Did you talk about Biblical marital roles and responsibilities?
Did you talk about Biblical marital roles and responsibility in regard to sex (e.g. 1 Corinthians 7)
Did you talk about what sex would look like in marriage? Ask her about libido? State some potential sex expectations frequency?

If you didn't you're sorta in a problem of your own making. If you did and she lied, that's another issue altogether.

Mission: Tell us what it is and why you need a woman's help accomplishing it (I'm being serious).

Spiritual: Pray and read the Bible daily, grew up in a Pastors home, figured out my faith for myself pretty early on in my life. Grew up in a public school atmosphere which helped grow my faith tremendously, as I went to large public colleges for sports. I work in discipleship with an individual as the learner and also disciple an old high school classmate and we grow together.

In terms of our relationship. We get along really well. I manage the finances pretty much myself, but we have discussions weekly. We split cooking duties, and house duties. I will say I can improve on consistency in laundry haha but I am working on improving on that. Other than this for us, it has been great.

Ok, you missed the mission question which is obviously one of the most important, but it seems like discipleship is important which is a good thing. But what's the goal?

Are you actually leading the marriage or are you just her roommate?

Neither your spiritual or relationship questions answer this. If you're acting more like her roommate and friend then well it's kinda obvious that she doesn't want to have sex? It's possible to friend zone yourself to your wife. Is she actually attracted to you?

My wife does not like to discuss sex topics very much, as it is uncomfortable for her at some points. I focus on being patient with this as everyone is different for sure.

And? I told my wife (when we were dating) that growth in a relationship requires being uncomfortable. Then over the course of dating and relationship I brought up talking about a wide array of topics make sure our expectations on everything including sex were on the same page, that we wouldn't deny each other ever (we haven't), and anything inbetween. She was uncomfortable but she became more comfortable as we talked about things more. Being uncomfortable ain't a bad thing and it's not something to be avoided. Like anything, it improves with practice.

You should do the same.

Proverbs_31_2-3 · 2022-01-05T23:07:40+00:00

Read 1 Corinthians 7 together. You're not supposed to deny each other.

Read Proverbs 5. She's supposed to delight you continuously with her love.

Read Song of Songs together. Note how the woman takes an active part in love with her own desires and delights. That's what God wants for her. Song of Songs is a biblical hedonism counterbalance to ascetic and gnostic tendencies that would style the physical world as evil. But God created it to be received with thanksgiving. 1 Timothy 4.

Crazy_Lawfulness_582 · 2022-01-07T07:03:34+00:00

The last thing you want to do with a woman is have “conversations” about you needing sex….if she’s not having sex with you is because she’s not ATTRACTED to you plain and simple.You putting her first when having sex is also a no no. She’s supposed to be pleasing you and seeking your validation bro not the other way around. The bare minimum a wife can do for her husband is have sex with him. And the bare minimum a husband can do for his wife is to protect her even with his life. It seems like you’re doing your role but she isn’t. The last thing you want to do is to talk about it rationally with her since they’re emotional beings. You have to forget about mentioning sex when you’re with her and remove your attention..even if she tries to initiate sex….right now you’re chasing her validation bro..remove your attention by doing more things outside of the house that don’t involve her…if that doesn’t work bro you have to be willing to walk away since she’s not acting like a wife.

PhilosophiaChristi · 2022-01-05T21:43:55+00:00

I recommend you join the discord so we can get to know you a bit better. It likely is a frame issue because your stats seem great.

Three very quick points that set alarm bells ringing for me:

Frame issue: not knowing how to explain to your wife that you want sex

it is becoming tough to figure out how to explain to her my needs with my love language being physicality.

I'll return to this in point 3, but it sounds like you have a problem with being direct. You basically know that a wife is supposed to be obedient to her husband but you just can't come out and say that. This tells me you don't take naturally to the leadership role and when you receive pullback you fall into her frame rather than your own and God's.

Wife's disobedience, not living up to the Bible's depiction of a godly wife - 'If she's not in the mood, then it's "tough luck, just get over it" '

Call it what it is: she is frigid and is actually violating a commandment here and sinning against you. 1 Cor 7:3-5

3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

As her spiritual leader (Eph 5) you need to confront her with the fact that she is depriving you of your *rights* as her husband, and is putting you in a position where you are tempted to sin. She might not be in the mood, and sometimes out of love you will not impose on her, but she has a duty to satisfy you. So many Christian men today are addicted to porn because of their frigid wives. Ask her whether she is fulfilling the obedient character described by Peter in 1 Peter 3 by disobeying you. (I think you might not have the frame for this yet given some other comments you made, but hang out with us for a bit and you will get it.)

There may be legitimate reasons for her being frigid which you need to figure out. I give it an 80% chance it's because of something unattractive you are doing. Either way, this doesn't change her duties to you. 1 Peter 3:1-2.

Focussing on her needs - pedestalising a woman and ignoring your own needs, "nice guy" behaviour, covert contracts

My wife does not like to discuss sex topics very much, as it is uncomfortable for her at some points. I focus on being patient with this as everyone is different for sure.

I promise you, you can be as patient as you like, nothing will change and the inertia will only creep in more while you become more broken down and miserable, you will feel more and more unloved, and your temptation to sin will increase. You are the only person who will ever advocate for your own needs. You are the man, and you need to set the agenda.

We split cooking duties, and house duties. I will say I can improve on consistency in laundry haha but I am working on improving on that. Other than this for us, it has been great.

What's going on here? Did you decide on the chore arrangements or does she have your balls in a vice grip? That gay little "haha" gave you away pal. You can do these things if you want, but I 100% guarantee you your sex life isn't trash because you don't do the laundry enough. This is textbook nice guy covert contract stuff called "chore play". The idea being you have an unspoken contract in your head that if you do the laundry she will owe you sexual desire and sex. Not so. The Biblical model of Patriarch is one where you own the house and you decide who does what. It is your domain, not hers. You can do zero chores if you want to, that's your right as a Christian husband. Growing evidence that her lack of attraction to you stems from your unmanly attitude.

Also I really focus on her in the bedroom first. Always do and I really mean that. It is just not recipricated.

Covert contract. "If I give her a toe curling orgasm, she will go down on me, right?" It's part of a pattern I'm detecting in you. Do nice things for her, be patient with her, do everything you can to make her life enjoyable and easy, and expect nothing in return. Basically, you are her helper. She wants a man who is strong enough to stand up for his own interests and put her in the position of helper.

cpotter23 · 2022-01-05T17:58:01+00:00

If you want to resolve this issue read this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2lpafb/the_12_step_plan_of_dread_book_excerpt_from_my/

Use discernment. Good luck.

2022-01-06T12:00:52+00:00

Is your wife healthy? Is she getting enough meat and b12 and vitamin d? If she isn’t getting enough nutrients she will not be sexually in the mood

Is your wife on birth control? This can alter attraction to you as well

PRW63 · 2022-01-05T18:51:32+00:00

With my drive being very high, it is becoming tough to figure out how to explain to her my needs with my love language being physicality.

Knock off the "Love Language" nonsense, because that is what it is,...nonsense. It is neither biblical, natural, nor scientific.

Women are attracted to, and aroused by, masculinity. If she is lacking in that then it is a pretty good bet that you aren't projecting masculinity as much as you think.

In spite of the "stats" that "rule 2" asks you to include to not have your post locked,...those "stats" do not make you masculine. You could be short, not capable of lifting much, crippled (maybe injured ex-military) and still be more masculine than "Stats: 6'3, 230, 26 years old Bench 335, Sqaut 450, Deadlift 500lb, Played college sports, very active daily". Masculinity is a mindset first and foremost. Your demeanor and mindset when you are around a woman is what the women see and notice, and that is what makes the difference.

Don't really know enough about you to say any more than that.

Rifleshoot · 2022-01-05T15:35:47+00:00

I don't know how much content you've read from here, but based on your post, probably not very much. You will NEVER be able to simply explain your way into your wife's pants. You can sit down, have the discussion that you need sex, and she may even agree to have sex more often. Then, nothing actually changes. Her sex drive is probably fine, you just aren't doing anything to spark it because you aren't being attractive.

How often do you lift weights, and how is your leadership in the house? Women crave strong, muscular men with an iron-clad sense of dominance. That is what creates attraction in women. If you were attractive, you wouldn't need to talk your way into sex with her.

Also: check rule number 2 on the sidebar. While I can tell that you are extremely new to this just by the post, you will get much better advice if you post your stats.

TheChristianAlpha · 2022-01-05T15:43:23+00:00

LOCKED TILL YOU POST YOUR STATS - per rule 2

SkimTheDross · 2022-01-06T10:10:12+00:00

You have a frame problem. If she doesn’t see you as high-value man, any talk from you about your sexual needs, 1 Cor 7 or her low libido will be just lower your value.

The tough part is realizing you need to build yourself into a high value man for you first. If you’re doing it to get her to respond - you’re a dancing monkey. She’ll see through that.

NoWakeZone7 · 2022-01-22T16:11:21+00:00

Yikes so many comments my head is spinning.

By and large what you described is the typical differences in male and female. Stop wasting your time labeling it, this is God’s creation, you are his son, she is his daughter.

Take your supplication to God and leave it there. Learn to deny self. Listen and wait. What is He telling you to do? Then do it.

The other stuff will work itself out.

bjcm5891 · 2022-01-28T12:40:46+00:00

Her obligation is to meet your needs, as your wife.

If she's not going to meet them, she needs to know you could get them met elsewhere. I'm not suggesting you go sleep with other women, but she has to know that you're capable.

The problem with so much of the modern church is that it churns out young men who think they can earn their way to the kind of sex life they want just through being Godly.

RunawayGrain · 2022-01-05T17:16:28+00:00

"I'm trying to boil water, but I haven't actually built a fire under the kettle. I'd really like to boil water."

Generally it sounds like you haven't built much sexual attraction. You've gotta build that fire. In general women want confident and assertive. Would you describe yourself as that, and how do you approach it in terms of sexual desire? She's probably got a few things she'd enjoy as well, but she may expect you to take the lead on those as well instead of just voicing them.

Sad_Decision_3628 · 2022-01-05T18:45:42+00:00

This guy is what happens when people think lifting and then sprinkling a little RP on their blue pilled wet dream will give them what they want. In this case however I doubt he even sprinkled a little RP talking about His "love language being physicality".

Yeah OP you need to banish "love language" from your mind.

Also you don't get bonus points for saving yourself for marriage or "putting her first in the bedroom" SMV wise. Those things can come across as low value if she thinks you can't get what you want sexually without resorting to "I'm doing the right thing on my hands & knees nearly begging so please oh please become a sex crazed rabbit for me."

If you don't know what a covert contract is then go read the side bar. Because that's what you talking about putting her "first" in the bedroom sounds like.

You really need to read the entire sidebar OP. I have my doubts you read any of it. From reading your post I'd say she just isn't that interested in having sex with YOU. I bet she would find her inner sex bunny a lot quicker than you would think if a guy with the right frame showed up.

cpotter23 · 2022-01-05T15:36:25+00:00

Just come out and say it but gently. If she was suffering with something you would want her to tell you.

Abibliothecarius · 2022-01-17T22:06:07+00:00

Yeah OP talking to her about your “needs” in a rational way isn’t going to work. Find a female friend and start spending time with this new female friend of yours. She will get the hint that she is not meeting your expectations and needs to up her affection towards you. It may seem manipulative but unfortunately this is how most people work. Your wife knows she doesn’t have to do much to keep you however you throw in some actual competition where she has to fight to earn your love and affection (including sex) then you have shifted the power balance in the relationship.

GretaVanPeat · 2022-02-03T06:27:26+00:00

Dude just buy her a vibrator.

Title	Biblical Way to Discuss Sex Needs With Spouse
Author	cpotter23
Upvotes	28
Comments	76
Date	January 5, 2022 3:27 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/rwpenm/biblical_way_to_discuss_sex_needs_with_spouse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/biblical-way-to-discuss-sex-needs-with-spouse.1094484 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094484