By request, I'm going to post some relevant excerpts of Michelle Langley's fantastic books on Women's Infidelity. Due to space constraints, you can read the summaries of the two books here on the author's website.

Women's Infidelity: Living In Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say "I'm Not Happy"

Several years into my research, I was able to identify distinctive patterns and behaviors in the women I interviewed. I categorized these into “stages” that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships. The stages begin with a loss of sexual desire. After identifying the stages, I continued to talk to women and men to determine if the assessments I had made were correct. Women who read through the stages quickly identified themselves as being in either Stage 1, 2, 3, or 4. I received the same response from men. They, too, were easily able to identify the category of their wives’ behavior upon reading through the stages.

Stage 1

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.

Stage 2

Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a "new" man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters.

Many women in this stage haven't felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society’s belief that women are either “good” or “bad,” women will question their “good girl” status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.

Stage 3

Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love.

These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They typically believe that what they are doing is wrong and unfair to their husbands, but yet are unable to end their affairs. Many often try several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they will vow that it will be the last time, but they are unable to stick with their decisions.

Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 - it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands.

The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a “search for self.” They convince their husbands that they might be able to save their marriage if they can just have time to themselves. They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving their current situation. Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear. They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers. Separation allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up the security of their marriages. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl.”

Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry. As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.

Believing they have become more aware of what they want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often place the utmost importance on finding a "new" relationship that will give them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. A new relationship with a new partner will also represent a clean slate, a chance for these women to regain their “good girl” status. Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision. Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they suspect their husbands are unfaithful, are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands show signs of moving on.

Stage 4

The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.

The women who chose divorce and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed relief at having finally made a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However, they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship.

(The author uses a dialogue style in her book. In the first book, she is talking to a hypothetical man who's discovering his wife is having an affair. In the second, shes talking to a woman having an affair)

Do you think it would help if I gave Tracey that stuff you wrote about the stages?

In my opinion, it would only help if Tracey were in Stage 1 or 2, the “I’m bored,” or “I screwed up” stage. But, after reading the stages, you think Tracey is in Stage 3, and I would have to agree with you. Her desire to separate is an indication that someone else is probably involved. In other words, Tracey is probably in the grip of a very powerful [chemical love] addiction.

Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out of Limbo

Her second book involves a fantastic and brutal hamster thrashing, as its written for women. Here are some excerpts.

Limbo I

Women in Limbo I are at a crossroad. Here, they will either begin to grow and develop a deeper relationship with their husbands, or they will stunt their growth with feelings of anger and resentment over not attaining the happily-ever-after feeling they had anticipated. Women in this stage are faced with the dilemma of either taking responsibility for their lives or choosing to view themselves as victims. If they choose to view themselves as victims they will eventually move into Limbo II.

Limbo II

Women in Limbo II are women who have cheated on their husbands. Many of these women are in their sexual prime and are unknowingly acting on their sexual impulses. Initially, many of these women are completely guilt-ridden over cheating. Women can easily recommit to their marriages at this level if they forgive themselves. However, forgiving themselves requires taking responsibility for cheating. So, once again, these women are faced with the same dilemma they were faced with in Limbo I. They can either take responsibility for their lives and their behavior or they can continue to view themselves as victims. If they choose to view themselves as victims they will eventually move into Limbo III.

Limbo III

Limbo III is where you are now. In Limbo III, women have decided that their affair is too important to let go of, because it provides them with what they believe is missing in their marriage. Additionally, the high they experience helps ease the pain of their guilt so they try to figure out how to have both. Many women in Limbo III kid themselves into thinking that they’re trying to decide between their husbands and their lovers, but in truth they are trying to maintain the high while holding onto their marriages for as long as they can.

Therefore, women’s actions in Limbo III usually run completely contrary to what they say. They feign confusion even as they’re ending their marriages. They simply don’t want to face the facts and take responsibility for their actions. So women in Limbo III are still faced with the same dilemma as women in Limbo I and Limbo II. Although they continue to think they are confused about whether to stay married or get divorced, the real question that needs to be answered at all three levels is, “Do I take responsibility for my life and my behavior, or am I a victim?” Unfortunately, the image that women hold about themselves regarding their innate goodness and naturally monogamous nature often keeps them from answering this question correctly.

Back then you believed that your behavior resulted from your loving nature and now you’re fooling yourself into believing the same thing, even though what you are doing to yourself (and everyone else involved) is the most painful thing you can do to another person. You had your husband move out of the house because you’re involved with someone else and have been for more than a year. Yet you continue to present yourself as a confused woman in order to be viewed in the best possible light.

You know you don’t want to be with your husband anymore, but you feel guilty about it. The reason you feel so guilty is that you haven’t even given him a chance to make you happy. The reason you haven’t given him a chance is that you already know the feelings you experienced when you were dating and marrying him had nothing to do with him or the quality of your relationship. Your feelings were the result of your attraction to him and the excitement you felt over trying to catch and marry him as well as the excitement you felt over the idea of marriage in general. Many women pretend that they are confused, or that they are trying to make their marriages work. Some even attend marriage counseling with their husbands, but it’s all a charade. These women have already decided that their husbands can’t make them happy, therefore they refuse to let them try.

When you initially called me to talk about this, you mentioned a woman at work who was also having an affair. You said she told you that it would be easier for her to handle if her husband were killed in an accident than it would be to get a divorce. You were horrified by what she said but understood how she felt. As horrible as it is, I’ve heard several women say the same thing.

Women who feel this way are in effect saying, “I would rather have my husband die than take responsibility for my own life and choices.” What I find interesting is that women can feel this way and still feign confusion over the future of their marriages. I’ve never heard a woman say, “It would be easier if my lover were killed in an accident,” or even, “It would be easier if either my husband or my lover were killed in an accident.” So how can any woman who feels this way say that she is confused about what she wants?

Obviously, you didn’t want the life you had. But instead of taking responsibility and trying to improve your life, you decided to let it slowly unravel. All of this time you’ve wished that you would one day want what you used to want…but the fact is you just don’t want it.

Marriages that get to Limbo III are very difficult to rebuild because, as with everything else, there is a point of no return. And in my opinion you’ve reached that point. When someone has an affair, whether physical, emotional, or both, there are consequences. The problem is, we don’t teach what those consequences are, we simply use shame to convince people not to have affairs.

Your indecision has led him into a state of indecision. Limbo is an unconscious state. When people are in limbo they believe they have no control over their feelings, which is why their feelings can be so easily manipulated. This is why so many women who have zero interest in their husbands miraculously want their husbands back when their husbands begin to move on or meet someone else. Like children, they declare, “That’s mine,” because they don’t want anyone else to play with their toy even though they have no interest in playing with it themselves.

At this point, I strongly recommend that you stop pretending you have no control over your behavior. Everything that’s happening in your life right now is a direct result of your behavior. At any time along the way you could have stopped and dealt with the consequences of your actions. Regardless of what you think, you’re not going to bypass the pain, so you might as well face the pain and move through it, instead of slowly poisoning yourself and everyone around you.

One of my personal favorites of hamster bashing

(What she ends up doing in the rest of the book is stopping the hamster, pointing it out, and telling women to stop hating men)

Yes, but there are two sides to this. Obviously growing up female, you’ve noticed that men often brag and boast about their sexuality, but what you probably haven’t noticed is that women do the same thing with their feelings. Women flaunt their feelings in the same way that men flaunt their sexuality.

I want you to imagine that you’re a man. Imagine being a man and having a conversation with your wife. What do you imagine the conversation would be about? Most likely the conversation would revolve around her feelings—why she’s not happy, how you are to blame and what you need to do to make her happy. When a man has a conversation with a woman, the conversation usually goes straight to how she feels

Yes, I can see that.

Occasionally women ask men how they feel, but when women do, they often have a hidden agenda. They’re either asking the question to get men to open up, so that men will become more attached to them, or they’re asking the question to get positive feedback about how men feel about them.

God, did you have to say that out loud? That sounds awful.

Yes it does. But is it true?

Yes, it is true.

You see, one of the big problems in relationships today is that, collectively, we’ve only been viewing things from a feminine perspective. Women believe that in the past men had it made, and many believe that they still do. Many women think that men have it better than they do, and nothing could be further from the truth. Do you think that in the past men wanted to shoulder all of the financial responsibility? Do you think men wanted, and still want, to go off to war and die for complete strangers?

How do you think it feels to be a man and listen to news reports and hear things like “One hundred and forty-seven people were killed, including women and children”? When a reporter says, “including women and children,” what is the only category of people the reporters are not specifying? Men!

This is so common that nobody even notices the message that’s being sent. The message is, men don’t matter, men aren’t as important.

She goes to quote people like Warren Farrell and others to both take the pedestal off of women and to remove the negative image of men she sees as part of where this dysfunction stems.