Let's talk about cheating.
More specifically, let's talk about the cheaters script. I have been through this, and many men here have as well. Many men the world over have, many men over the centuries have. What I continue to encounter, over and over and over is that the script stays the same. Different states, different countries, different ages of men and ages of women. The actions and words before, during, and after have an uncanny repeatability that is freakishly adhered to. Over and over. I call it the cheaters script. Once you see it a few times you will begin to see it everywhere. Once you recognize it, you can never not see it.
First off, my quick background as it relates to cheating. This is to provide some perspective of my views, and how I formed them over time. I am now a single man, approaching 40 later this year. I have been single for almost 4 years now. I was married for for more than a decade, and we lived together for 3 prior to marriage - so my longest relationship was 15 years. I had two children with that woman. During that entire time, I never cheated on her. I had opportunities to, but I never did. I discovered infidelity on her part during our last year or so together. Confronted, blah blah. It ended. We separated, we divorced. That sucked.
Since then, or I should say soon afterword, I do not know why, but I began dating and actually rather quickly began sleeping with a married woman. I then began sleeping with multiple married women. I am not particularly proud of this, but it is what it is. One of those girls left her husband (actually he left her). We pseudo-dated, I then cheated on her one weekend she was not available. She immediately forgave me of course, but our fun had run it's course and I moved on. I began seeing multiple women at a time, and did pretty much nothing but that for about 18 months. I had a soft harem of women that I saw regularly. Some of them had boyfriends, some of them had boyfriends, then was single, then had new boyfriends - never once affecting what they would do with me.
Sometime about a year ago I decided to drop my harem and go the LTR route. Overall, a very rewarding relationship. However, if I had to guess, she probably cheated on me, and I definitely cheated on her.
I have done one night stands, 2/3 night stands, carried on an actual affair with a woman or two that claimed to love me and gladly accepted the "side girl" role knowing I was involved with someone else. I have heard women on the phone with their partners after having sex with me, heard them talking to their kids that they would be home from work soon. Even had side girls proclaim I was the only man for them only to be with another man a day or two later...
"Cheating" no longer particularly angers me, or really even concerns me. I have seen it from so many perspectives it is more of a given than an unexpected heart breaker. I would never let a woman get close enough to me to change my view of self like that again. I have seen it from just about every perspective, as a victim, as an active participant, as an unknown participant, all of it. It is a part of life. It is a part of relationships. It is just a given.
So with my experience of cheating out of the way - let's really talk about the script. What does it look like mechanically, emotionally, what should one watch out for? What should you do? What should you expect?
Side note - I am not a woman basher - this is not an "all women are like that" post. Both men and women cheat. For the most part, the script does not change. In my post below, I will attempt to alternate from the women cheater perspective to the man cheater perspective. Both are applicable, this post is about cheating, not just about cheating women...
----------
The before
There honestly are pre-signs. These should help you determine if a problem is on the horizon. At this point, things are likely resolvable.
Here are some facts I am fairly certain of:
No one cheats when they are happy and getting their needs met.
There are only two types of cheating women:
When you have a cheating woman in your life, more than likely when she looks in the mirror, she does not see option #1. Ever. That does not mean it is a true statement, it means she convinces herself it is a true statement. It is always her partners at fault she is unhappy. This is crucial to the script, and comes up later.
There is generally only one type of cheating men:
- those who are not getting their emotional or physical needs met.
What does the before look like?
Here are the clues:
You start hearing "Never and always". We never... you never.. we always.. you always.. all of them followed by some negative remark. Of course, they are not true. This is an emotional statement, wherein the other person is being framed as a constant and static problem.
You start seeing emotional detachment. You will have no idea what's going on inside her head. Many questions will get answered with "I don't know", anything to increase confusion and indecision. This is where the not knowing where she has been, where she is going, and for how long begins. Anything to increase detachment and confusion on your part. Of course, it will be coupled with "I love you's" to amplify the confusion levels.
Making the spouse look bad and feel bad.
Here is another fact of relationships; when a woman is into you - it really doesn't matter what you say or do. You can almost do no wrong. When a woman is rejecting you, you can do no right. Many men fall for this trap and try to listen to their women telling them what's wrong and begin supplicating them. Of course nothing they do is right.
That set's the stage..
----------
The During
The chase is now afoot.. here are the things that are the most classic signs cheating has began.
She starts going to the gym, or getting a membership to a tanning salon, dressing better. All of them individually mean nothing. When combined you should ask why she is putting this much effort into her appearance.
Cheaters are very protective of their phone. Yes, it never leaves their side. It may suddenly get a password protect, (for the kids of course), it is usually now on silent or vibrate only. Especially take note when they do not share that password.. also, leaving the phone face down is something I have consciously done and seen.
Speaking of phone, leaving the room to talk on the phone or text.
New credit cards, new online identities. I do not really know the psychology behind it, but I have seen this a few times and want to add it to the list. If she is creating a new identity with her name only, it's because she already sees you out of the picture.
Sudden appreciation of a new style of music she never cared for before, out of nowhere. It is often said that women adopt the hobbies of the man they are with, and my experience in life shows that to be true. If she suddenly adopts new tastes out of nowhere, you might wonder about it.
Not wearing the ring, or other jewelry you gave her. Not going to elaborate on this one but it is a big flashing red sign.
Going to the store for groceries, or a quick shopping trip takes 5 hours.
You hear any of the following:
"we are just friends" "i need privacy" "i love you but am not in love with you" "im confused and need time to figure out my feelings"
Of course, it cannot be one sided. She also will be loving sometimes, she will do everything in her power to maximize the confusion and anxiety. That is how she maintains the scheme. Also expect a SHIT TON of blame shifting.
Gaslighting - This truly is perhaps the worst in my opinion. Gaslighting is psychological abuse. It is a form used to make the victim of the affair feel crazy in order to let the cheater get away with it. You'll be made to feel crazy, hate your thoughts, maybe even consider suicide. The cognitive dissonance involved with having two thoughts in your head is awful. Some examples of this might include: "you’re crazy”, “you’re overreacting”… Then begin the “I have to go here” “I need to run an errand after work” or ”I need to stay late”, "I hate how jealous you are."
----------
The After
Denial and Trickle Truth - A hidden love affair is chemically, a lot like a line of cocaine. It is a huge surge of Dopamine. It also flood serotonin and oxytocin in the brain. It feels good, and all people - men and women - are vulnerable to doing things that feel good. Drug addicts do not care about hurting their family. They do it, they hide it as long as they can. It's a fog - and their brain only cares about keeping that high in their life. You very rarely if ever get the truth out of a drug addict in withdrawal - just as you almost never get truth out of a cheater once caught. It is always the least amount of information they think they can share and get away with. Over time you might get another piece - and that's when the true emotional damage becomes clear. Once you know that this other person cannot be trusted at all, it is a total wash, you mourn the relationship.
Blame shifting is a given, and should be expected. Hearing the following? "You pushed me away", "if you had been there for me", etc.
Re-writing of history - It doesn't matter that she was sending you love notes and texts a month ago. She has been unhappy for a long time now. She will find everything you ever did wrong and try to use it against you. Some of the shit I have heard.. "that time 10 years ago when you bought a hamburger but didn't get me one". It is natural from both sides at the end of a relationship. Both sides are re-wiring themselves to prepare for being single and need to purge those memories. This is a large part why nobody really enjoys hanging out with people going through a divorce by the way. If you are a man and have caught or even worse publicly outed a cheating woman - expect the wrath of Kahn to come down on your reputation.
This highlights a simple truth more men should understand.
I think it is common knowledge that you cannot control anyone else or anyone their emotions. You cannot make a woman like you, only she can do that. But in order for her to like you, what really has to happen psychologically is that she has to like herself when she is with you.
She is always viewing the world as it relates to her, so for her to like you, she has to enjoy the feels she has when she is with you. It is subconscious, and it really needs to stay there because no woman will ever thank you for pointing it out.. but it explains a lot.
Take the common case we see everyday on this forum, some chump has been married to a cheating woman. Same lying, same vocal attacks, same gaslighting, same emotional manipulation, same eventual rage from her to him .. the man is the victim but is made to be the worst person on the planet. why? Because how does miss cheater feel about herself when she is with him? She hates herself so she feels like she hates the man. Just like when she is in love and feels great about herself - she loves him.
----------
Final thoughts and take-aways
Cheating happens, you should assume it will happen to you. It has, and it will again. If you have had sex with a woman outside of a relationship it is likely you are part of her cheating on someone else. We have a huge divorce rate in this country, and nobody wakes up and says I just don't love you anymore. It is all cheating. All of it. Many relationships "go on". Many relationships are kept in the dark. I firmly believe that 100% of relationships will have a cheating element in them given long enough.
If you disagree, that means in my opinion you are the one likely to be cheated on.
[–]Modredpillschool[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]ImHereAtLast 139 points139 points139 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]Endorsed ContributorNiftyDolphin12 points13 points14 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]bowie7470 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]spicedncoke 17 points17 points17 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]cdtCPTret34 points35 points36 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]spicedncoke 5 points5 points5 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point [recovered] (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DeadSpool6 points7 points8 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]user_none106 points107 points108 points (13 children) | Copy Link
[–]recursoinominado56 points57 points58 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]wallst07 49 points49 points49 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]psychyness50 points51 points52 points [recovered] (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]2 Senior Endorsed Contributorvengefully_yours7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]B_uckets39 points40 points41 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Endorsed Contributorsqerl16 points17 points18 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]Freiling3 points4 points5 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Endorsed Contributorsqerl2 points3 points4 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Freiling2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Endorsed Contributorsqerl3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Belerion-1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 91 points92 points93 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]ChadThundercockII2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ithoughtyoudbemad22 points23 points24 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]1KyfhoMyoba5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]hamsterenema4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Senior ContributorMentORPHEUS34 points35 points36 points (28 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 28 points29 points30 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DarthRoacho4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PinnacleOfHate4 points5 points6 points (24 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 6 points7 points8 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]rognos 7 points7 points7 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points [recovered] (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]1KyfhoMyoba4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]muh-soggy-knee6 points7 points8 points (12 children) | Copy Link
[–]JihadDerp36 points37 points38 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DrMrPepper9 points10 points11 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Senior ContributorSkorchZang10 points11 points12 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]muh-soggy-knee2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]muh-soggy-knee1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ArkAngelEV2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]muh-soggy-knee2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]1KyfhoMyoba-1 points0 points1 point (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]muh-soggy-knee0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points2 points2 points | Copy Link
[–]Uncle-Creepy0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ArkAngelEV-1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]GIGANTIC_NIGGER_DICK2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]10xdada67 points68 points69 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]projectself[S] 116 points117 points118 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]10xdada14 points15 points16 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]2 Senior Endorsed Contributorvengefully_yours2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]sd4c0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 15 points16 points17 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]DeadSpool2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]smvking51 points52 points53 points (13 children) | Copy Link
[–]gonorealover25 points26 points27 points (10 children) | Copy Link
[–]elevul27 points28 points29 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]trumpisafaggybeta1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]2 Senior Endorsed Contributorvengefully_yours8 points9 points10 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 3 points3 points3 points | Copy Link
[–]2 Senior Endorsed Contributorvengefully_yours3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 17 points18 points19 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]NewestHouse1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]1KyfhoMyoba-3 points-2 points-1 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]NeoreactionSafe35 points36 points37 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[–]tallwheel2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]NeoreactionSafe2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]kafka-tamura6 points7 points8 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]NeoreactionSafe20 points21 points22 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Daqqer6 points7 points8 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Stythe2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Mithra90091 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]NeoreactionSafe3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 12 points13 points14 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Kkax25 points26 points27 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Archange_5 points6 points7 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Kkax0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]thefisherman196123 points24 points25 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Cunt_Robber1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]BacoBabies0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 10 points11 points12 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 6 points7 points8 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Orig_analUse_rname-1 points0 points1 point (3 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]trumpisafaggybeta3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]TRP VanguardWhisper11 points12 points13 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ELLEN_POO9 points10 points11 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Black-Pill25 points26 points27 points (10 children) | Copy Link
[–]ApexScorpion7 points8 points9 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]DownvotesCatposts5 points6 points7 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]ApexScorpion0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Black-Pill0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]1KyfhoMyoba2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Black-Pill1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]IFuckingHateAllergy0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Synsin 3 points3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]IFuckingHateAllergy1 point2 points3 points [recovered] (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Black-Pill1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]TaroShake8 points9 points10 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 16 points17 points18 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Endorsed Contributorsqerl13 points14 points15 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]1OneRedYear2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 16 points17 points18 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]mrrooftops7 points8 points9 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]detachedbymarriage7 points8 points9 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]TheSecretTerper10 points11 points12 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]WhySoRuff12 points13 points14 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]2Overkillengine16 points17 points18 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]DownvotesCatposts2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]tallwheel1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]1PantsonFire12345 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Fleetwood_Linux5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Werewolf35b3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Marr0w13 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ArkAngelEV2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]The-Ban-Hammer3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]westhewolf4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]g3n3s1s694 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DeadSpool2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 3 points3 points3 points | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 3 points3 points3 points | Copy Link
[–]Rudzy 4 points4 points4 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]ECTD1 point2 points3 points [recovered] (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]thattransgirl1619 points10 points11 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] -19 points-18 points-17 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]thattransgirl1613 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]MisterDorimant 6 points6 points6 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points [recovered] (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]1PantsonFire12346 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]VoidedSmash 1 points1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]daskaninchen1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Endorsed ContributorrebuildingMyself1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Titan_Coeus1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]KartagoPill1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]duffys21 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Steve_Wiener1 point2 points3 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point (3 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 points1 points1 points | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]ElGuapoMiguel1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]1996391 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]thelidpatrick1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]RedPill_FightClub1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]RememberingAlpha1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Canadaismyhat1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]The__Tren__Train4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]dresdonbogart2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]J_AsapGem0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]pfffft_comeon0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]valdirtheblue0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]projectself[S] 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]VirtuousAssassin0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]sd4c0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]beginner_0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]jck730 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DeadSpool0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]SkaTSee0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]franz19800 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points0 points0 points | Copy Link
[–]daskaninchen1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]TheSecretTerper1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]ItsUhhEctoplasm-2 points-1 points0 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+]jace81-6 points-5 points-4 points (0 children) | Copy Link