Kicked gf out

cholomite · 2015-12-14T18:22:17+00:00

Girls don't talk to exes just to "catch-up". She either still wants him back or wants to keep him on standby if things get bad with you. I would never tolerate my gf talking to any exes, or any guys she's ever fucked before. Obviously I won't physically stop her if she wants to talk to them, she just won't be in a relationship with me anymore if she chooses to. You made the right decision. Also, there are plenty of other girls out there who will do all those same things you mentioned that she does, but without the lying and talking to ex's. She's nothing special, get that out of your head.

Griever114 · 2015-12-14T19:57:31+00:00

Just want to add to this a bit:

If you decide to let her back into your life, your frame will be absolute shit. This was a glorified shit test and an affront to your frame/self:

She lied to your face that she would stop
She did it anyways (shows NO respect for your boundaries)
Is making excuses AFTER the fact.

If he was such an important part of her life, she should have made this argument BEFORE lying to you.

Dump the trash and go no contact. She is not a quality woman.

jacktenofhearts · 2015-12-14T18:54:00+00:00

You set a boundary, but you recognize it's literally just a chalk line on the ground. If she's not a shitty person, she won't cross the boundary. But you recognize that nothing, really, can stepping over whenever she wants to. That's why what she did is so fucked up. You said, look, go wherever you want, just don't step over this line, I can't stop you from doing it, but it's important to me that you don't.

And what'd she do? Stepped over the goddamn line. So you can't trust her. You literally cannot trust her. Every time her cell phone beeps, every time she's vague about plans, every time you walk into a room and hear her say, 'oh hey I have t go bye.' did she step over the line? Maybe! How do you know? You already know she did it?

You're not controlling her social life. You're just stating boundaries. If you were married and had kids, it may be worth deconstructing why she did this, and how badly she stepped over the line, but this is barely an LTR. I'm sure she fucks a lot and she's sweet, but she also has a weak grasp of consequences.

Eventually she'll date some guy who doesn't to past plate status because he's still obsessed with his ex, and that's when she'll realize what she did was shitty. Or she'll say, "please don't do X, I can't stop you but it's important to me," and have done X to her a week later. But until then she literally can't comprehend what's the big deal and why the consequences seen so severe.

Just tell her you think she's just too emotionally invested in her ex for this to work out long-term. It's not controlling or mate guarding. Mate guarding is when you demand to see her texts every day to make sure he didn't text . you don't want to stop her from talking to her ex. You want to date a girl who you don't even have to tell that to, and would respect your request if you did make it explicit. This is just you pointing out a boundary and then ending a relationship when it was clear your girlfriend didn't care about that boundary.

ma-trpta · 2015-12-14T20:01:47+00:00

To me, the point isn't that she's in contact with the Ex. The point is that she lied to you about it.

I'm a newbie and my opinion isn't worth the used toilet paper I wrote it on, but lying should be the real crossed boundary here.

Did she delete the texts in between the "hey" and the "yes"? If so, she's being shady about it and covering something up - even if it's just that she's in contact with him - and that crosses the lying line.

enfier · 2015-12-14T18:33:54+00:00

I never do controlling. I can't control her behavior, I can just choose my reaction to it. At some level you know that every woman out there has an imagined "backup" plan and sometimes it's an ex. I certainly know what my wife's backup plans are, but my continuous self improvement and high standards mean that any backup would be a serious downgrade. You'd be lying to yourself if you pretended you didn't have a backup woman somewhere in the back of your mind too. It's human nature.

Telling your LTR that she can't do something makes your frame weaker and increases the temptation to do it. If my wife wants to leave me for her backup, I'll help her pack her shit. I wouldn't even be angry. Why would I waste my time being in a relationship with a woman that thinks she'd rather be with someone else?

Rather than say she can't, I say that I find such contact inappropriate for a person in a committed relationship. I don't talk to my exes and I'm not going to make my wife compete with my imagination because the dream is always better than the reality.

I draw the line at physical meetings. If my wife were to physically meet up with an ex without me present, she'd find herself removed from the house. It's a lot easier to listen to logic when the contact is over the phone, it's a lot easier to give into feels when the contact is in person.

the_Zambony · 2015-12-14T22:04:09+00:00

they are just friends

For some insight on this common phrase, read, "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

am I being to harsh here?

Fuck no. You have boundaries. They become useless if they are not enforced.

I feel that by trying to tell her who she can and can't speak to, reduces my power over her.

Honestly, you have no power over her anyway you look at it. If she wants to cheat on you she will and nothing you do or say will stop it.

What you do have are boundaries (no talking/seeing exes) and consequences (we are done) for crossing them. However, you have to follow through and enforce them. If you don't, she will not respect you, ever again and you can expect more of the same.

Do any of you allow exs in your partners life if they "promise and plead" that it is platonic?

Any time there are 'exes' lurking in the background, you can count on bad news. Here is how it goes:

We were just catching up.
He was going through a rough breakup.
He understands me and I understand him.
I feel I have no one else to talk to about this stuff.
It is just a meetup for coffee.
We just hung out at his apartment/house for a little while.
It was just a hug/kiss.
It was just a short make out.
It was just feeling each other up, over the clothes of course.
It was just oral.
It was just one time.
It was multiple times in any position he wanted.

edit formatting

CaptainRP · 2015-12-14T18:39:53+00:00

Are your boundaries important, or aren't they?

It's up to you whether this is too far or not. But if it's a show stopper, then it's a show stopper.

This is how vetting works. If you're with someone who thinks staying in contact with an 8 year ex is in anyway acceptable (unless it's a baby daddy scenario, which is a red flag itself) then do you really want to put in the effort to put up with it?

I'd rather find someone who isn't alpha widowed with their ex.

I had my dick in crazy, once (sure... once) Charlie... I remember she pulled all kinds of bullshit, and I sucked it up, because hot chicks fuck well. Tried calling me out of the blue a few years later, reminiscing. I showed it to the girl I was dating at the time (current spouse) and we had a good laugh over it.

Time heals all wounds, but it sure as fuck doesn't remove the memories.

Trekneck · 2015-12-14T18:48:55+00:00

Whatever the rest of us do is irrelevant.

Your boundaries are your boundaries. Keeping in touch with the ex-boyfriend is a deal breaker for you? Let it break the deal then, move on and don't look back.

Your other option, of course, is to allow her to break your boundaries, and instead throw a pissing whiny tantrum about how she upset you, betrayed your trust and that you can't believe how she'd do this behind your back. But that option leaves you in a weak position, and tells her that she can ignore your boundaries entirely, so long as she's capable of handling a tantrum when she does it.

BleedingWithPassion · 2015-12-16T18:34:11+00:00

You killed it buddy. Not many have that sort of courage. I don't think it was harsh especially if you set guidelines before the relationship took off, she should know when not to cross the line, she made a mistake she's trying to own up to but you've stuck to your words. That's honesty and what she was doing was deceptive, good call.

CaptainRP · 2015-12-14T20:03:09+00:00

Some bitch says "she loves you" and you're quivering in insecurity and self doubt about your boundaries like a little bitch?

C'mon man

Sepean · 2015-12-15T12:50:04+00:00

I see one problem with just nexting her. So many people are not used to people being firm with their boundaries. They can't imagine there'd be actual consequences that they couldn't just "I'm sorry" their way out from. The chances of finding a girl who will think that you're serious about your boundaries before you've enforced them are unfortunately pretty slim.

It's like rookies in boot camp, they need to learn discipline first and until they learn they'll fuck up a lot. If you kicked out everyone who fucked up in boot camp there'd be no soldiers. After boot camp however, it's a different matter: what back then got your squad a 1 mile stretcher race with gas masks now gets you a dishonorable discharge.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-12-15T19:15:18+00:00

You are obviously looking for an excuse to take her back so here you go. Treat it like a cheating wife that would be to expensive to divorce. According to Athol Kay (May Peace Be Upon Him) you take her back with a Level 5 ultimatum: No contact with affair partner. Open social media, sex on demand etc.

However, since your not married, the only possible answer is neexxxt.

exbp · 2015-12-14T20:46:39+00:00

If I don't fulfill all your man needs, there's the door. If I do then send this guy a Christmas card once a year and nothing more. There is no in-between with me.

Title	Kicked gf out
Author	CaptainRP
Upvotes	8
Comments	29
Date	December 14, 2015 5:41 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3wt6ig/kicked_gf_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/kicked-gf-out.207826 https://theredarchive.com/post/207826