Total noob here, been scanning both MRP and found this newbie sub, figured why not. Lots of questions.

So back in Feb, my wife (we both turned 40 in jan/feb), tells me out of nowhere that she hasn't loved me for years and she's not sure if she wants to stay together. We have been going to marriage counseling off and on for the past few years, certainly has helped but not solved all of our issues - clearly... I'm the proverbial 'nice guy'/beta bitch, based upon what I've been reading...Anyway, we've turned the corner in the past year in terms of our parenting styles and conflict resolution skills - as we have 3 boys ranging in ages from 13-8. She is diagnosed with depression and has been on meds for at least 5 years. I've been largely absent during the work week over the past few years to due burying myself careerwise and not being the man/father/husband necessary - certainly realize that now...

Anyway, by the end of February - she's convinced that she needs to divorce me, that I'm the source of her depression, and if it isn't me that it is the sad state of our marriage that is driving her to be depressed and unhappy. She tells me she has no more energy and feels 'no connection' for me anymore. During the three intervening weeks - I began seeing a counselor on my own (weekly basis) to begin working on myself and learning where I need to take things. Over the course of March, we begin framing up mediation (2 meetings) and working on a number of issues to unravel the marriage. I've been working on my shit.

As April rolls in, things are now getting serious - she begins to understand the financial implications and the impact on our kids. I've also managed to set some stronger boundaries and effectively detached from her emotionally - while continuing to live in the same home. It is during this time that we tell our parents, and an in home counselor that we brought in to assist with some behavioral and parenting strategies over the past year. This professional has been a big help to my wife (and to me indirectly) in terms of getting control of the boys while I'm away on business. He has been in our home 2-3 times per month for 1 hour at a time to assist over the past 9 months. We advised him (along with our marriage counselor) of our plans to divorce so that we could line up 'the talk' with the boys appropriately - and to ensure he was part of our team as we move forward. After our conversation with him, my wife jokingly suggested that if he knew of anyone needing to hire someone with her background - she was going to need to get some additional income. She then proceeded to talk with him for another half hour (we arrived separately) and he offered her a job on the spot. Since then, they have had two 'business planning meetings' on a Sunday morning and this past Friday night at a local restaurant/bar (8-11pm) with his wife and another professional that he is recruiting to join the team. In speaking with our marriage counselor and other professionals - they were shocked that he's still retaining us as clients and seeking to employ my wife. My spidey sense has been tingling for awhile as I have seen her in Jan/Feb act exceptionally friendly when he arrives....Now it is just really strange. My wife has told me that she really wants this job, and the hours will range from 6am-9pm Mon-Sat each week, and that I need to be flexible/supportive of her taking on this job - initially as his admin. She also now has his old phone to take all inbound calls for the new job.

Finally, when her parents arrived approximately three weeks ago for a week - which I was dreading...her father talked with each of us separately and asked if we had TRULY done everything to fix our relationship. I told him point blank, no, but she was not willing to try one more time. Well, he had another conversation with her and by the time they left - she had agreed to try 'one more time' | to seek counseling on her own | to put the divorce on hold. A huge swing. For me, I found women hitting on me for the first time in a long time in April as I've uncovered the swagger of years gone by and redeveloping some DGAF postures/attitudes, so in a lot of ways - things were starting to open up positively - without needing her at all.

Since she agreed to try again, not much has changed in terms of her demeanor or attitude, and I have been on the road constantly the past two weeks. The next two weeks I'm home not traveling, and she will start seeing a new counselor next week. I've advised my management that I will not be able to travel as much as in the past - they are very supportive of me dialing things back in a big way. So I've taken that step at least to be around my boys a lot more starting now.

This past Friday, she snuck up on me and gave me a kiss for the first time since January as she was going out to this 'business meeting' on Friday night...mind fuck territory. I feel I've been knocked off center again.

As I look forward to the next two weeks of being local - a bunch of questions:

-where do i start on the MRP program? i know now, that i need to get my shit squared up - regardless of the marriage -am i being paranoid about this other guy? at the very least, i'm firing him from coming into our home -i kissed her today for the first time, mothers day, since feb in front of our kids (they have asked why we dont hug/kiss anymore), feels like i violated myself more than anyone else with the move -how far do i detach to raise dread etc vs engaging in 'being present in the conversation'

In my opinion, we both have serious trauma that we have not addressed from prior relationships either with parents or dating - that have led us to this point. I'm willing to continue to work on myself and hoping that she will have some things uncovered in the coming weeks/months as well - but between now and then/not sure exactly how best to engage with her. Her measure of success with me is 'the level of connection she feels' and right now, I dont think either of us is really ready to reconnect...

Looking for direct feedback and next steps to keep the journey forward moving...