Question about boundaries

ReddJive · 2017-03-24T11:58:14+00:00

Well let's see.

Have you ever said, "hey wife. Look we need to on the same page here with disciplining the kids, blah blah blah...." be certain you don't go DEERing or blue pill, or even Rambo. This can be a risk here.

You can talk to your wife right? She just isn't going to know what the boundary is without it being communicated. But I really hate that word...boundary. Why?

Well it comes off as being something you need to defend, like territory. Which to a man then gets you all riled up. Let's go with the military analogy of Captain and first Officer.

have you communicated the standard to your wife? what you expect to happen at dinner?

Here's why this is different. You can't just keep putting the kid in the room. First he can play there which is what he wants to do. Second he needs to learn that dinner, and family dinner at that, is an activity that he needs to be a part of. He can't learn that behavior if you keep isolating him.

Communicating thie standard, your commanders intent to her, that family dinner will be respected and that kids won't play allows her to adjust the punishment if it is needed. Maybe the kids didn't get to play much that day, maybe something happened you were not yet aware of.

Being the leader of the house isn't that your word to the letter is followed but it means you intent is. Your standard is intact. She is the one that has to enforce it while you are gone.

Clearly she understood you about movie night. Every one was ready. All you said is that we will do it. Look what happened.

crimson_chris · 2017-03-24T13:41:48+00:00

It's a shame you only have one room in your house. I mean if you had a second, you could, you know, walk into it and tell your wife, "Come here I need to talk to you."

Out of sight of the kids you could put forth your boundary...maybe, "We aren't always going to agree as parents, but we will not fight over decisions in front of the kids. From now on, whoever makes a decision, that's what we go with. If the other has a problem, we talk about it later."

While the above certainly undermines you in front of the kids, her running to them for any tears doesnt. You are the stoic, she is the emotional. In a year or twos time she will come to you complaining that the kids are always whining for her but behave for you. Remember, don't solve her problem, but maybe hint that the kids love attention when they get boo boos.

Try and remember it's not a war you have to mentally prepare yourself for...simply tell her how you want shit to run, and be congruent after you make a decision.

[deleted] · 2017-03-24T12:54:10+00:00

Going to timeout in a corner is a SupperNanny move for poor behavior. Him in his room is not really a timeout location.

Women always put children first especially very young children. If they perceive the kids are attacked and that means anyones parenting other than their own, they will defend them rightly or wrongly. How this defense (justified or not) is handled by her and you needs to be determined by discussions upfront and proper leadership bearing (i.e non-emotional or angry, but assertive, AM...)on your part. Parents need to be on a united front, because kids will learn to play you against each other.

I've lived through this in the past and royally F'd it up in my pre-RP days. It's still a bitter memory for me.

Let her know your goal is for the family to eat together and share conversation and a meal at the family table. She wants this too. Set expectations for behavior -age appropriate of course. Women as parents tend to be short term in vision... let's fix the emotional issues now. Men tend to be more long-term, as in we need to do this correctly, even with a few lumps in learning, so that our future will be better. These short and long term visions need to be understood and expectations managed.

UEMcGill · 2017-03-24T16:04:54+00:00

I gave him a couple of warnings that if he doesn't settle he will go to his room

1 min later my wife went to him, and they both came out of the room,

These are huge red flags but let me address your questions and we'll circle back to them:

1st question. In a situation like that, when I am clearly being disrespected, apart from removing myself from it, what are other ways to handle it?? ( I did not want to have a discussion in front of kids)

2nd. Any suggestions on how I can reinforce boundaries. When kids are alone with me, they behave, and listen.

3rd question. My wife has the kids on the pedestal, hence a tear, and she runs.... It makes it very difficult to parent, or enforce any boundaries with kids when the other parent undermines you (and kids know it). Any suggestions? I will be having a talk to my wife about it. Any suggestions on how to approach this? The reason I ask is, I don't think very clearly on the spot, so I have to mentally prepare myself.

You're not being disrespected. You have poor boundaries and you let your wife "Take over" when you are being the disciplinarian. In my house, you start the discipline, you finish it. Period. By allowing your wife to run in after you've put your son in his room for failing to follow the rules, you allow her to undermine your authority. He will use it to manipulate you both to get a favorable outcome.

This is simple. Give him one warning. Tell him the consequences of his actions, "Sonny boy, we sit and eat at the table, if you don't want to eat, that is your choice, but you will go to your room and be quiet until we are done. Also, this is dinner. Once it's gone you will have no more dinner. What would you like to do?"

Then, when he fails, and he will because he's not used to you being consistent, you get up and walk him to his room. He may kick, scream, leave etc., but you will tell him the whole time, "It's your choice, sit and eat or go to your room?"

If your wife even starts to go to his room, you have two choices. Carrot or stick. Carrot is ask her to come with you before she goes in there, tell her "I need your help on board with this. Please don't interfere when I am discipling him or it hurts both of us."

Stick is, tell her to knock it the fuck off real loud.

Until he says, "I want to eat and sit" you put him back into his room every single time. Repeat it once, and then STFU.

Neither your wife nor your son take you seriously because you don't follow up on anything with either of them. There's no such thing as a couple of warnings. Let your son go without dinner one night. He won't starve. Let him scream and have a fit, why would you be swayed by the emotions of a 4 year old, be it your wife acting like one, or your son actually being one.

mtdog · 2017-03-24T14:54:29+00:00

This is all good advice. Couple other things to ask yourself:

Am I sweating the small stuff?
Who's really ruining dinner? A 4-year-old acting like a 4-year-old? Or is it Dad going Red Pill Rambo?

It's hard with the little ones, been there. But sometimes you need to embrace the chaos and just enjoy them for what they are: little drunk circus monkeys.

You're going to miss these days.

Redpillbrigade17 · 2017-03-24T17:37:32+00:00

Just be the leader. Enough said. You're too entangled. Others gave you the right advice: 1. Have a one-on-one with your wife on parenting. 2. Don't tolerate shit.

Even if you do the right thing there's a chance you'll end up in divorce a few years down the line.

Good luck.

tslextslex · 2017-03-24T15:52:37+00:00

A couple of thoughts:

You need to get wife focused on a conversation when the kids are asleep. Your points are simple:

We will not undermine each other in front of the the kids because that is confusing and, ultimately, scary for them. They need limits and boundaries and will be happy, and grow up well, when they are imposed. But nothing is more destabilizing for a small child than to see Mom and Dad at odds. So it is not going to happen again. Not ever. We can discuss child rearing as much as you like -- although you will find I'm not compromising certain points -- but we cannot discuss it for even one second in front of the kids. Doing so is disrespectful to me but, more far important, it is bad for your child.
As for learning how to sit at a table -- a vital lesson that it is time to teach now -- when Timmy misbehaves at a dinner, he is going to be removed to sit in time out in this chair in the corner for X minutes. (I'd say two. Sending him all the way to his room is, as mentioned below, not useful at this age.) He comes back to the table and if he misbehaves again, he goes back to the time out chair. (With a 4-y-o you do not want to add time or increase consequences for repeat offenses. They can't "do the math." You calmly impose the same consequence each time. It's exhausting, but won't go on forever.) This isn't behavior for which you'd spank a kid -- the point is learning a degree of calm and stillness at dining table. And, BTW, at age 4, dinner shouldn't probably last more than about 15 minutes. If you can train him to that, you will be well along.

drty_pr · 2017-03-24T21:33:53+00:00

Quick fix. Bring your plate with you and eat on the floor in front of his room. He can't leave then. Nor can she get him.

Long fix. Lift, side bar, OYS and become a man of value. Then your wife will listen to you and respect the boundaries you try to impose.

Title	Question about boundaries
Author	223552
Upvotes	7
Comments	16
Date	March 24, 2017 11:05 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6189z0/question_about_boundaries/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/question-about-boundaries.206362 https://theredarchive.com/post/206362