SO Having Lunch w "Ex" and Friend - best way to handle

thewholefnshow547 · 2017-08-10T16:52:02+00:00

Wife had an ex-boyfriend orbiter. At first, I was like whatever, don't care. Then one day I look on her Facebook and this guy is fawning all over every one of my wife's pics to the point of blatantly and openly hitting on her. For years, YEARS!, my wife allowed this guy to openly hit on her, in a public manner. Every one of my wife's pictures had this asswipe openly hitting on her in the comments, all while I as asleep at thew wheel (was not on Facebook.) I was hugely disrespected, and the matter was harshly corrected.

I would nip this in the bud. Because when you let those guys hang around, they will constantly probe and test the waters. Then you are only relying on your woman to respect your honor and show loyalty. I don't think a woman born after 1960 can even define respect, honor or loyalty. Its a completely foreign concept to them.

Also, in case you did not notice, you SO did a tell. She lied then tried a heat-reversal. Take note.

matrixtospartanatLV · 2017-08-10T15:51:55+00:00

Nothing gets better with marriage.

Nothing, without a massive amount of effort. And IF you're successful, then it can be great. If not, it will become a living nightmare.

Mateguarding. Unattractive as fuck. My wife had an emotional affair. After I caught her I shut that shit down. She comes to me and asks me if she can be just friends with him.

Her: "Can't we be just friends?"

Me: "No."

Her: "It's not reasonable for you to choose my friends."

Me: "You may be right. But my wife does not have intimate, one-on-one relationships with other men."

Her: "Are you telling me I can't have a drink with him after work?"

Me: "You can do anything you want. I'm telling you that MY WIFE does not have intimate, one-on-one relationships with other men."

Trust, but verify.

And now, any contact with that asshole will constitute a hard next.

Her: "I never fucked him."

You: " That may be true. But my SO/Wife knows that loyalty and fidelity are hard boundaries for me."

Her: "I said I never fucked him!"

You: "That might be true. My SO/wife knows that fidelity and loyalty are hard boundaries not to be crossed."

Her: "So can I go to lunch with him or not?"

You: "YOU can do whatever you want. But my SO/wife displays loyalty and fidelity at all times."

TrenGod37 · 2017-08-10T15:22:24+00:00

Mate guarding is unattractive, Let her go. And Go do your own thing.

There's not much more you can do here that's not going to make you look insecure. Let her throw her temper tantrum. STFU and go lift. But from here on out watch her actions. How she dresses as someone mentioned and if she starts trying to hang out with them more often. Then I'd say it's time to create a boundary. But this time let it go.

Oh and when she comes home don't go looking for hints as to what went on ask her if she had a good time and leave it at that

Downhere_Seeds · 2017-08-10T16:55:58+00:00

If the guy is getting married, his SMV just went up, as he is being pursued by another woman (there's a term for this). She wants to see if he has somehow turned into an alpha stud (he hasn't).

It sounds like you have already started to enforce a boundary by not being "overly" affectionate as you say, tell her you are not comfortable with her going to lunch with this guy and see how she reacts. You don't have to explain why or say anything else, she will know why, but want you to comfort her to make her feel better about her shitty behavior, don't. Be prepared to keep her at a distance, you want her as uncomfortable as possible during this lunch and worrying about you the entire time. Good luck!

throwaway99999123455 · 2017-08-10T15:27:22+00:00

I'm glad you brought this up. It's a fairly minor issue, but it represents a whole slew of larger problems. We preach 'don't be jealous.' But, sometimes, it's ok to tell her what you want. It's ok to say, "I'm not jealous of this guy, and I want you to have friendships, but if we're going to get married our bond has to be the strongest partnership of anybody we know because marriage is a risky proposition. Sure, it's harmless now. Our relationship will have ups and downs. If you're cultivating friendships with former lovers, the likelihood that you go crying on his shoulder is astronomical. So in the interest of US, I don't want you to go to lunch with him."

I've been the other guy. I was an orbiter. And I took advantage of the rocky times of a marriage. So if you really want to get married (which doesn't make much sense anyway) frame the issue in terms of strengthening your relationship.

InChargeMan · 2017-08-10T15:14:30+00:00

I then tell her about something unrelated and she flips out for not including her on it. I told her I was making an order days ago and tell me what she wants or I am going to order without her. Gave it a few days and made the order - she flips out and does a little girl tantrum and in essence hangs up.

I'm more concerned about this. Unless you were ordering something major for your household, like what kind of tile for the kitchen or something like that, why the hell would this be a flip out-able situation?

In general, before marriage even the shittiest of women are able to hold it together, biding their time to start the shit show. If this is before marriage I'm significantly concerned. If I were you I would put a temporary hold on marriage plans, like a LONG temporary hold, to make sure you have everything in order before moving forward.

[deleted] · 2017-08-10T16:02:03+00:00

Eyes open, mouth shut.

As per anything

[deleted] · 2017-08-10T18:05:40+00:00

Here's an ugly truth to always keep in your thought process:

If a chick wants to cheat, she's going to cheat. And the more obvious the situation then the less likely. But fuck all you can do about it other than push her towards it or force it underground.

My wife wants a GNO and they go out dressed like Rocky Horror Picture show extras...with all their stuff hanging out? I applaud her and send her on her way. They decide to go out on the town after. OK. Are guys more likely to hit on her. Yep. Is it more likely she'll cheat on this occasion when my radar (even from the coolest GNF's demeanor I can project) will obviously be on high observation mode? I'd say not unless she's an idiot or wanting to give me an out-of-alimony pass.

That was a real life example there.

If she was going to, would she instead be more likely to bone some random or preplanned day during the week day go visit Chad at a grocery store and pound out back? More likely if she was disposed to because of <whatever end of the contract I'm not holding up by not being a good branch()>.

A chick is going to do what she's going to do. All you can do is continue to be the prize she doesn't want to trade in on. Be cool, give no fucks. Scold her if she behaves inappropriately or acts like a kid trying to get attention. But never from a place of insecurity.

Rp for 2 years? Keep being rp. This situation doesn't change your tool set.

Seems like you're also being a bit preoccupied with her activities. Why is she not preoccupied with what you will be doing while she's out? Sounds already like you give more shits than her. You don't want to win that contest of shit giving.

Bonus points: Get a sitter and have plans that night to go out without her. When she sends a text, go dark. Any calls pre-screen and send to voicemail. If it's not an emergency , stay dark.

EDIT: Do want to throw this in there: as it's a situation where there is 3 of them..this would almost make it a non-issue. If something just "happens" where the girl drops out of the evening...it's a date. Which obviously means it's cool for you to be setting up dates as well and plate her. Even if she's yo baby's mamma.

throwaway99999123455 · 2017-08-10T18:04:30+00:00

Thanks everyone for the helpful replies - I really needed some outside perspectives on this. I think the answer is a bit of both and not clearcut - I'm going to maintain an "IDGAF what you do", but combine it with a "but you aren't going to be disloyal" - and back it up with an if so, you're gone, but not verbalized. I honestly couldn't believe how much of an impact just not being overly nice had on her. Takes me back to when I first started red pill and got accused of cheating on her like one week in (mild rambo back then haha).

screechhater · 2017-08-11T04:29:39+00:00

Grow a set, put off the wedding and set the tone for the rest of your life, on your terms.

You got a lot of reading to do. Not all guys are trying to fuck your SO and your SO May not always trying to Fuck another, especially when you are high value.

Mate guarding is inattractive. Reacting to her living vicariously in another's shoes while relating a story of experience is normal day to day Shit. It's not always about a jump, but there is excitement involved. Tip. Live your life to be exciting. This takes work. As in OYS

throwaway99999123455 · 2017-08-10T15:02:54+00:00

Option 1: who cares

If she doesn't have a history of desperately seeking attention from other males, I'd chalk this up to just a luncheon with friends. If it is actually something more than that, there's not a whole lot you can do about it anyways. Telling your SO who she can and can't hang out with will make you look like an insecure, mate-guarding pussy.

Just continue being awesome, but observe how your SO acts on the day of the luncheon, what she wears, etc. "Trust but verify".

throwaway99999123455 · 2017-08-10T16:23:17+00:00

Well my small wall of text was now returned with an even longer wall of text saying how much I mean to her, how she wouldn't want to jeopardize our relationship, loves me so much, all she talked about was me etc etc.. and come to find out the new wife was apparently there too... all good enough except for two things: 1) I still want to talk through this with you 2) I don't want you to get worried every time I talk to a male, especially if you aren't communicating to me

Now, I am very upfront with her about how I don't talk about my feelings, so I will just dismiss it if she brings it up later. And for 2, this is where I hope one lapse in judgement doesn't set me back. I usually just say one thing and leave it at that. This is just giving me a hard time because internally I'm still kind of teetering between IDGAF what you do VS out of respect you don't hang out with other guys you have any kind of past with (which she still denies, but again AWALT).

I'm sure I'm making this a bigger deal than need be, but I want to set my future self up the best I can.

The_Litz · 2017-08-10T18:27:17+00:00

OP I am struggling with some context here about this lunch. Are the three of them going, without you? Are you invited but declined? Is the other girl marrying the friend or is he marrying someone else?

This lunch, is it a grab something to eat over lunch break or is it drive out to somewhere nice and have a extended celebration? Has it been decided you are staying to look after the kid?

Was she invited or was she the initiator of the lunch?

On the surface it seems innocent enough, but my spidey senses are not happy.

[deleted] · 2017-08-11T06:56:51+00:00

My opinion is an outlier opinion in here, some think it is mate guarding, others think it is unfair to wimmin. If I have a SO, she does not have male friends and she does not go out with male friends. She does not go out drinking alone (she is a child, she cannot be trusted with alcohol). However my situations are different, firstly I would never enter an LTR with a party girl or a girl who has orbiters. If your girl had that sort of social life beforehand then you are going to look like the bad guy if you shut it down. What some people call mate guarding I call boundaries. I figure if a bitch wants to behave in a manner which does not conform to a tradcon manner of conducting herself, then she is no longer my girl.

Title	SO Having Lunch w "Ex" and Friend - best way to handle
Author	throwaway99999123455
Upvotes	9
Comments	48
Date	August 10, 2017 2:47 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6sts40/so_having_lunch_w_ex_and_friend_best_way_to_handle/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/so-having-lunch-w-ex-and-friend-best-way-to-handle.205698 https://theredarchive.com/post/205698