Addressing married finances...?j

the_grizzlebee · 2018-05-09T19:41:18+00:00

If it was me I'd firmly but calmly put her on a well-defined allowance until she gets a job.

Honestly though? If everything else is good (she puts out, cooks, is on top of her FO duties) and you aren't really hurting for the money, it seems foolish to nuke anything over this.

2ndal · 2018-05-09T19:36:01+00:00

Your question doesn't have anything to do with finances. Your question is all about setting boundaries. Do some research on boundaries using search and the MRP sidebar.

CaptJohnLukeDiscard · 2018-05-09T20:18:02+00:00

I know a decent amount about her now but I don’t know much about you. What are your lifts? What is your BF? Are you interesting? Do you game your wife regularly? Do you have abundance? Do you do anything cool? Are you a self-reliant man? Could you pick up even a fat SAHM at the grocery store if you wanted to?

I’m (38 y/o) about 2.5 months into MRP and starting to realize I’m a total noob at this game.

Never think you aren’t a noob. You always have room to grow, room to learn, and room to improve. The day you don’t is the day you start to die or become beta again. That sounds morbid and dramatic but it’s just a fact.

Wife and I have been married for 4 years and common law for almost 15. We have no kids nor do we intend to.

Much like my comments to another guy, you’ve been with this woman for a long time. I’m assuming you have been a beta pushover for most of this relationship so recognize that you will have a lot of lag in this process. We are looking at least 18 months before she starts to change (if she ever does… which shouldn’t be your “goal”). Stop focusing on changing her. Change you. Then, AFTER you are changed, you will be in a position to expect better out of her and if she doesn't deliver, you can get it elsewhere. Right now, you have nothing to bargain with and probably can't get a yoga enthusiast if you tried. That's why she is acting like this. She knows she owns you. She is right. So improve you.

When we got together we were pretty close to even with our incomes. I was in the trades and she in marketing. I had pretty much zero debt and she had a lot with student loans a etc. Over the years we both advanced pretty well evenly in our careers until about 3 years ago when she decided she wanted to quit her job as an Art Director and teach yoga full time as well as pursue starting her own yoga studio. This cut her income in half although she has this last year paid off her student loans.

Does this mean that she has been paying for her own loans or did you contribute a significant amount? You mention splitting the bills evenly below but did that include the 100 large she brought in?

Now I make 100k a year and she sits at about 35k.

I may catch some shit for this but 100k isn’t a lot these days unless you live in the middle of nowhere where stuff is cheap. What can you do to increase this? Stop focusing so much on her and start focusing on you. If you make over 300k, she can do whatever and it doesn’t really impact you on a practical level for long. Hell, she could divorce rape you and you’d still be sitting more comfortably than 99.9% of Americans. Think about it.

I was ok to pay more than her with the idea that it would rebalance when her business was running but I’m not comfortable with that being the way forward with no real business progress.

What type of Captain have you been up to this point? How much did you guys discuss this transition and were you on board? Did you discuss time frames for how long it would take to get her up and running? Did you discuss what you would or would not pay for through that time period?

If you didn’t, then you may consider eating all this as a sunk cost for you being a dumbass and not putting this stuff in writing. I’m not talking about a legal contract but I am talking about putting it in writing so she can’t hamster out of it as easily 18 months later.

She has expressed the desire to make more and carry her weight but no real progress.

You should definitely judge her by her words and not her actions. Ignore what actually she does and pay very, very close attention to how she feels. Go over those emotions in depth and use lots of words like "I care about that" and "tell me how you really feel." Then, rub her feet a little, wash the dishes, and maybe she will give you a handjob. (This is sarcasm if you are autistic)

My question is this. I’m working on MRP and I know I have a ways to go and I understand STFU. Should I lay down a deadline for her to get a job that pays a decent wage and start paying the bills or should I just keep working my MAP and wait?

Wow. You just said you understand STFU but you then ask if you should get into what will be a massive discussion that will likely unleash nuclear war from her hamster. You are dumb. You are two months into this. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up especially about the money if you can handle the expenses on your own. You got yourself into this mess. You didn't captain this worth shit.

Seriously. Just eat it and occasionally (starting a few months from now after you have improved a ton) start to tease her about it in a fun way. “Yeah baby, suck that dick like you need to make rent next month.” Shit like that but keep it fun and NOT degrading. Note that in order for it not to be degrading, she’ll need to be attracted to you which may take a while if you are a fatass or autistic in social terms.

Ultimately I’m really getting uncomfortable with the financial situation continuing but don’t want to fuck up the progress we’ve made so far with my on growth/her response by throwing down an ultimatum.

You haven’t made any progress yet. You just started this. Anything you see as “progress” is a mirage that a single wet fart could dispel. Keep your damn head down and put in the work. STFU. Read. Lift. Eat clean. Lurk here.

I’m willing to to end the relationship now over this if there is no hope of it changing but I’m seeing some changes in other areas... ultimately I would rather fix the shit I have than burn it down and start over. Should I bring this to a head now or wait till I’m further along with my own shit?

This isn’t something worth ending the relationship over unless she is completely toxic in other areas. Somehow though, you’ve managed to make this entire post about her and be in her frame without really giving us any information about you or her that is actually actionable.

So here’s my advice:
A. Start posting in the weekly OYS and follow the common format.

B. Read, lift, eat clean, lurk, etc.

C. Don’t engage with her. Read the Jack10 post on “verbal intercourse is optional” about 75 times to learn how to disengage tactfully from her.

D. Improve yourself so you don’t suck so much. Get fit and make enough money that it doesn’t matter what she does. Sorry but 100k isn’t enough.

E. Give it 2 years of you becoming the best you that you can be and refocus on the relationship after that.

Frankly, if you become a badass after two years, you might have a yoga enthusiast that is desperate to please your every desire who also pulls in 35k+ per year. If you are making good coin, that’s actually a damn nice situation to be in.

UEMcGill · 2018-05-09T20:55:50+00:00

What value does she provide? At -$65,000, you sure could buy a lot of pussy, hire a maid, and a cooking service.

Why would she make up the difference, sounds like a pretty sweet gig.

[deleted] · 2018-05-09T19:56:43+00:00

Stay at home wife and no kids... stop paying for her entitled life and start protecting yours.

Divorce rape due to income inequality is real.

Stop being the beta mule to her fantasy life.

Two_kids_in_a_coat · 2018-05-09T20:01:12+00:00

We have no clue what your financial plans are. Obviously you need a budget to achieve your goals and it might mean putting her on an allowance. My wife gets $300 per week. She spends it then she’s got nothing until the next week. Period. However without goals and just saying “spend less” ain’t gonna end well.

RelativeJellyfish · 2018-05-09T20:07:13+00:00

I don't understand. How is she costing you money? Sounds like you partially funded a business venture that failed. But you chose to live in a house vs the condo. Are you including the condo profit into her salary?

Marriage is not a financial partnership, it is not a business. Either you like being with her or you would rather not.

When my SO and I first started living together, the essential expenses (i.e., rent, food, utilities) were split on a pro rata basis (basically, if I bring in 2/3rds of our total money, then I pay 2/3rds of our total bills). Now she works part time since we have kids and everything is commingled.

Seriously, life moves differently for different people. You are having a hard time adjusting since all you see are dollars. She is actually living her life. Give up the equal stance on money. If you are paying all the bills and have nothing left over, then move or cut your bills. You are being a selfish prick if you are forcing her to stop "doing something she loves" just to bring in more money. Shoulda married a rich widow.

SteelSharpensSteel · 2018-05-09T20:10:05+00:00

I wrote a post recently that might help you.

suprathepeg · 2018-05-09T20:23:24+00:00

My question is this. I’m working on MRP and I know I have a ways to go and I understand STFU. Should I lay down a deadline for her to get a job that pays a decent wage and start paying the bills or should I just keep working my MAP and wait?

what do you want

suprathepeg · 2018-05-09T20:58:48+00:00

If it’s never resolved then likely.

screechhater · 2018-05-09T21:39:27+00:00

Apparently shit is not working out financially.

Instead of crying to us, fix it yourself

You have one life to live and it needs to be on your terms

I don't give a fuck what you or she makes, for MRP to work for you, you must treat her in that aspect as her pulling her fair share, and apparently, to you, she is not, so make the changes necessary to follow your mission in this area and stay in frame

You lifting ?

ChokingDownRP · 2018-05-10T00:45:44+00:00

Why are you renting out the condo as opposed to just selling it. If you sell after having used it as your primary residence for 2 of the last 5 years, you wouldn't pay taxes on up to $500k of gains on the sale. What is the rent vs expenses and the market value of the condo? Was it her idea to rent...if so, for feelz or for logical reasons?

Contrary to popular belief, owning rental property just for the sake of owning rental property isn't a good idea. Is it profitable vs selling and doing something else with the proceeds? Is it a hassle, or do you use a property manager?

simbarlion · 2018-05-10T02:10:48+00:00

i'm going to cast a line out for downvotes here, so brace yourself.

You're doing it wrong.

Income is one of MANY factors in which your wife is adding value to your life. You need to maximise your combined wealth, and remember wealth is not just money - you say she owns her condo?? that you were living in???? I balk every time i read you all posting about separating finances, but i am not in US and my wife earns more so take it with a grain of salt. I add way more to my family than the difference in our income.

Do you know FOR SURE, the yoga studio won't ever get to the point of franchising into a mega chain? Is MAKING your wife get some desk job she hates so much she gets depression and finds "other" sources of excitement in her life a good idea?

Lifes short buddy. why don't you back her yoga studio? Don't you believe in her?

suprathepeg · 2018-05-10T11:26:53+00:00

It’s not overly complex. I just have a new perspective where I think I’m more valuable to her with what I bring to the table than she is to me. No doubt I let some of this happen and even encouraged it unwittingly.

Thing is she works really hard at whatever she does but it’s like being the hardest working burger flipper at McD’s, the return on her investment is so low.

pathetic19 · 2018-05-10T13:20:10+00:00

Why are you uncomfortable? You are in a great position, you want to be the one earning much more, not the other way around. Bills/living expenses should be split according to income percentage, it's only fair really. I can see how you didn't sign up for this, and finances are worth breaking up over, but that's when they are racking up tons of debt and becoming a liability, not really the case here since she paid off her loans right?

Rian_Stone · 2018-05-10T18:23:34+00:00

It's not a logisitcal problem, you've planned it this way. I'll bet she wanted the additional lifestyle upgrades, right? She couldn't afford, but you could, so you agreed. What you agreed to was paying for the upgrade. Now after its too late to change your mind, you found out you accepting something was against your best interests.

Ultimately I’m really getting uncomfortable with the financial situation continuing but don’t want to fuck up the progress we’ve made so far with my on growth/her response by throwing down an ultimatum.

Ultimatums are from a position of weakness. What it sounds like you want is for her to give you permission to act in your own best interests. Instead of that, have an end goal in mind, ignoring other people, something 100% selfish. Then work towards that.

Our expenses are easy for me to afford half or even all but for her it’s not possible to carry half.

also, check out /u/firetempered post on gaining back the treasury. It's not 100% applicable, but is worthwhile

MRP-post50 · 2018-05-09T19:06:08+00:00

What's your MAP? How does the spending affect your plan?

[deleted] · 2018-05-09T19:25:58+00:00

How far does 135k take you toward the lifestyle you want? Does the missing 65k significantly impact your daily life?

Unless your finances are straight and the missing money still hurts due to cost of living in your city, you're way to new to be making demands of anyone.

Title	Addressing married finances...?j
Author	suprathepeg
Upvotes	7
Comments	32
Date	May 9, 2018 6:57 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8i8hgt/addressing_married_financesj/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/addressing-married-financesj.204520 https://theredarchive.com/post/204520