To housework or not to housework

simbarlion · 2018-09-05T04:22:30+00:00

Lose the ego and covert contracts and you won't even need to ask these questions.

do it because you want it.

Dont overtly (being a bitch) or covertly (covert contract) try to make her do anything.

UEMcGill · 2018-09-05T13:22:37+00:00

You have two conflicting issues going on here. Getting your house in order, and leadership style.

Leadership style is just that; style. You can be from autocratic to hands-off, as there's no right way to be.

Regardless of style, a good leader recognizes where his crew is in terms of ability and resources.

My wife is very capable at executing. Where her abilities fail is foresight. She'll get caught up in doing and sometimes fails to appropriately prioritize. So I make sure she's clear on priorities, and give her the tools to make that happen.

Your first step, get your house in order the way you want it.

...make her live in the mess while I do what I want?

This is a covert contract. You want her to 'realize' what a pig she is by punishing her in her own filth. The problem is, she doesn't know she's playing the game.

Leadership comes in to the picture when you get everything the way you want. Sit her down and tell her, "Hey this is the way I like the house. I need you to do xyz to support that."

If she tries and fails, it's a resource and training thing. Give her the resources and training she needs.

If she refuses to try, it's a boundary thing. Either enforce the boundary or live with it.

Next time you are running around trying to get the house cleaned the way you want set her up for a positive-reward situation.

"Hey babe, jump on sweeping that floor for me. I want to go grab some coffee after and maybe we can have a little quiet time together after."

Early on in training she may need a lot of guidance and supervision. Praise her for minor accomplishments until her confidence and skills improve. Put in place good systems so she can succeed once you aren't there.

Recognize your inconsistencies as a leader, and her abilities. Great leaders can differentiate between the two and change what needs to be changed accordingly.

BobbyPeru · 2018-09-05T04:57:13+00:00

Do what you want to do. I clean when I feel like it. Quit overthinking it.

creating_my_life · 2018-09-05T08:05:18+00:00

She knows she’s not adding value to your life. You’re letting her get away with it. Why isn’t she afraid of you leaving her?

2ndal · 2018-09-05T03:18:15+00:00

Be a leader. Set the example. In everything you do.

Citizen_ATL · 2018-09-05T23:16:34+00:00

This is where people forget that red pill is sexual strategy. It's not marriage counseling.

Would single you invite a chick over to a messy house to have sex? Would you think she'd still be attracted to you after going into your nasty ass bathroom?

Then why would your wife be attracted to you after you leave toothpaste in the sink and shit stains on the toilet?

Be attractive. Don't be unattractive.

What's unattractive is some douchebag micromanaging his lady about whether or not she did her fair share of the dishes that day "cause he earns the money"

BostonBrakeJob · 2018-09-05T02:09:42+00:00

If only there was a book we could recommend to people like you...

Mods, could you guys put up some info in the sidebar please?

MrChad_Thundercock · 2018-09-05T02:26:56+00:00

Does she fuck?

screechhater · 2018-09-05T10:04:05+00:00

I fucking hate dirty, disorganized messes.

I pay the bills or they don’t get paid. They will stay in disorganized piles of shit and we will have no electricity if I don’t take charge.

I clean because I want it clean, always have.

SO is an amazing cook. When I cook, she cleans.

SO now takes the cue and cleans regularly before I do. When she doesn’t, I do.

Hmm, what’s the pattern here ?

FoxShitNasty83 · 2018-09-05T10:56:52+00:00

Swabbing the decks and getting things shipshape is the captain's responsibility. If I stepped on a ship that was in a shit state I would question what sort of captain runs this boat but I digress.

The captain can deligate the deck scrubbing and what not to the first officer or the other shipmates they can either do it or not but if it dosent get done the captain needs to step up and do it. The captain is also responsible for keeping the crew inline when they don't do what they need to do and if necessary replace them.

lionmenden · 2018-09-05T13:20:16+00:00

You're getting advice to clean if something is dirty and it's bothering you, and not overthink it. That's good advice when your wife is pulling her own weight. That is not the case here.

My wife works part time but spends way too much time with her job, seems to be always on FaceCrack, and will offer to help another family at the slightest inkling.

Your wife is not pulling her weight because she doesn't want to pull her weight for you, but she'll do it for your neighbors. You need to do three things, establish boundaries, lead her, and become a man she wants to follow. Tell her "The house is not as clean as I like or expect. I understand that you work, but you work part time so that you're able to take care of the house, and that's not happening. You have time to be on Facebook, and I want you to reprioritize that time to taking care of the house." Call her out on both the house and the social media. Don't DEER about how she cleaned recently, or she's tired, or there's dust there, but look here this part is clean, just stay away from all this. When she tries, just tell her she's not meeting your expectations.

Then help her come up with a solution, that's how you lead someone. "What if you come up with a rotation, vacuum every Wednesday, clean toilets on Thursday, break it down into manageable chunks." Help her understand your expectations and a concrete way to meet them. Call her out if she continues to not meet them.

Most of all, become a man that she wants to follow and instinctively take care of. Because right now you are lower on her priority list than your neighbors and her high school friends on Facebook. Lift. Read the sidebar. Lead your wife and your life.

SteelSharpensSteel · 2018-09-05T02:06:59+00:00

Stop LARPing red pill, Mr. I Put On My Robe And Wizard Hat.

I swear, some of these comments... I wonder how people make it to adulthood, let alone function as adults.

Step 1. YOU NEED FRAME, FOOL. Stop being wishy washy. Fix your damn frame. It's not about the house.

red-sfpplus · 2018-09-05T03:21:25+00:00

Cleaning is for faggots with no life.

Do like I did. Dump the wife and hire a maid.

House will always be clean.

[deleted] · 2018-09-06T18:04:56+00:00

Clean the house when your wife won't or make her live in the mess while I do what I want?

Yeah your wife will live in the mess but so will you. You’re already doing it that’s why you’re here. You think that because you make the money she should clean. There’s nothing wrong with that either because it’s sharing the workload. My wife was stay at home until she could legally work so I knew I would have dinner ready every night when I came in.

I didn’t use the word expected, I knew because I told her the ground rules. I bring home the bacon and you cook it. Simple, fair and reasonable. It appears that you, like others stated, have a covert contract. You expect your wife to do what you want without telling her exactly what it is that you want.

If I wanted my wife to clean the house I’d lead by example. If you’re not cleaning the house why should she care? The King doesn’t care so why should she? You’ve got to realize that you are operating under her frame by not cleaning. Unless your frame includes being a slob which it doesn’t sound likely or else you wouldn’t be here sharing your story.

You should live in the house how you would if you were single. You don’t need your wife to cook, clean your room, do your laundry or wipe your ass. If she isn’t doing those things and isn’t fucking you then you you’ve found an excellent opportunity to reduce your costs by half.

WolfofAllStreetz · 2018-09-06T23:25:54+00:00

I don't like a dirty house either. I'm OCD so I clean my castle.

mtwinemn · 2018-09-07T13:43:22+00:00

Solid response by u/UEMcGill. I had the exact same question/situation in my first post..sad to look at.

I take care of anything that annoys me around the house. Dishes, bed, bathrooms, laundry, groceries and she's starting to pick up on it..SLOWLY. Been at it for 3 months..still new. End of the day I'm not living like a slob. I'm not having dishes laying around the house. I'm not having clothes laying around everywhere. THAT's for me. I don't like it. (no i don't do her laundry, i just throw her shit in the basket if it's laying around. Don't care if it's shoes, clothes, clean/dirty. The basket is the sorting area for her and her mess. )

She got mouthy with me the other day about having time for her. as another user told me "I have a standards to the house I live in, if you want me to spend more time with you then take care of xyz otherwise I don't have time"...something along those lines.

I also got whiny bitchy "what did you do today?" not too long ago. I calmly walked her around the house showed her everything I've done, remodels, mowing, painting, clean rooms, and calmly told her "don't ever come at me with that tone about doing things again" initiated later, she wanted an apology, didn't happen; nothing to be sorry for. Got a bj the next morning in a part of the house she swore she'd never fool around in. YMMV and I don't recommend this last portion...usually acta non verba...but my wife sometimes needs an audio tour.

^^^^using u/UEMcGill reward system could have prevented this. Going to implement this immediately.

[deleted] · 2018-09-05T02:34:00+00:00

Do you want to live in a mess? Do that.

Like things clean? Delegate and do the shit yourself that your inept wife can't do.

You are thinking too much, yet somehow are reading very slowly.

Title	To housework or not to housework
Author	IRunYourRiver
Upvotes	11
Comments	44
Date	September 5, 2018 2:01 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9d1z7w/to_housework_or_not_to_housework/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/to-housework-or-not-to-housework.204052 https://theredarchive.com/post/204052