Is this a good idea... ? Need outside perspective.

markreadsred · 2020-02-10T23:57:04+00:00

This is just a messy divorce with more steps. Visiting family is great but you will be inserting yourself into her defacto natural habitat.

Gen 2:24

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+2%3A24&version=NIV

You and your wife need to be a successful couple in the house you share not the one you get from her parents. I saw a huge difference in how much time we spent in my frame VS hers when I moved away from her parents. Those were the most beta/ depressing years of my life.

I can see your in a tight place with her mental health issues. Adding all but the most perfect of in-law's to that equation is going to be a worse investment on your life and marriage.

If you can work from anywhere. Go visit for extended periods so you can have the best of both worlds.

Think win win. Have the comfort of time spent there and the ability to distance when needed.

But keep your wife and your marriage in your frame, or suffer the consequences.

rocknrollchuck · 2020-02-11T16:51:52+00:00

[deleted]

DuffBude · 2020-02-11T04:16:59+00:00

I once talked to a red pilled Christian gentleman who offers marriage counseling with his wife through their church. He said that, of international relationships, they usually work out better if they are living in the man's home country. I wonder if that applies to states as well. It makes sense that you would be better off if you live somewhere where you yourself have a good social network, are comfortable and confident.

So, maybe don't move near her family, but near yours instead? (Just don't be talking about your mom or doing what she says, your wife is your priority as in Gen 2:24)

rocknrollchuck · 2020-02-11T16:43:07+00:00

I read through your post history and you seem to have had some success from time to time, but it doesn't last. This statement sticks out to me:

Found RPC about 2 years ago but although I've attempted to apply what's on here, I haven't seen a significant turnaround in our marriage... Still pretty much a dead bedroom, wife has no attraction and very little respect for me.

because you're doing it to change her, not to improve yourself.

In your first post, you were just starting out and things were a mess.

In your second post, you said

First off, HUGE thanks to RPC for playing a key, if not THE KEY role in saving my marriage. Things have gone from downright miserable to pretty good in a few short months... And for anyone who has been there in the miserable camp, you know that's a world of change.

My biggest problem pre RP was not OYS and focusing on me. I wasn't leading the ship, I wasn't the captain, I wasn't taking charge. When I started doing these things, big change. Possibly the biggest game changer has been taking responsibility and living like a single guy who has a woman living at his place... I'm responsible for my own bills, cleaning my own house, doing my own laundry - owning my stuff without expecting my wife to take care of it. Its been unbelievably good.

So you did experience quite a bit of change according to your own words.

In your third post, you talked about getting great results from using SGM

I tried out dirty talk for the first time a couple nights ago. Never done that sort of thing before, don't swear or talk like that EVER, and honestly thought my wife wouldn't be down... But... WOW.

She was hornier than I'd ever seen her before, and next thing I knew she was ALL over me. Wanted it so bad we went twice back to back.

By your fourth post, which was posted ONE WEEK LATER, you said

My wife constantly threatens divorce. Or goes on huge long tangents listing how terrible of a person I am, how I am not worthy to be a leader.

What changed? Or was it like this all along and you just didn't write about it?

By your fifth post you were convinced your wife is BPD. u/Red-Curious wrote an excellent response to that which really seemed to resonate with you at the time.

In your sixth post you say

If she divorces me (which she tells me every month or so she wishes she could do) then she is going against God. If she stays with me, she is stuck with someone she doesn't want to be with and can't have the dream marriage she always wanted.

Why not just let her leave and divorce you if that's what she really wants?

Now you're wondering if you should move across the country and live in a house her parents own to try and get her to change. If you move, you're primarily doing it for her, aren't you? That's classic Dancing Monkey. All along you've been doing everything with the hope that your wife will change. And because you've focused on her instead of yourself, you continue to be blown about by her moods instead of taking the wheel as Captain and steering the ship where it needs to go.

Read this. It seems to me that you lack this intensity, and are content to get by on only what's necessary to change her. You're looking for cheat codes.

Now let me ask you a question: how is your spiritual walk? Bible reading, growth in your walk, discipleship, church attendance, biblical knowledge, Scripture memory?

AlanNoles · 2020-02-11T14:52:16+00:00

I think your stats are pretty good actually. 10% body fat is really easy to work with. If you want to get bigger then eat more and just do the recommended 5x5 workout and gain some muscle. I wish I was in that situation. I am at 19% and working my way down to 15% before I can begin bulking.

But yeah, I know for a fact I would not be able to live with my wife's family mainly because I would fall into their frame out of respect (their house, their rules). It is different if they are out of your hair, but if not just do what you think is best. Just move out of Cali since it is super expensive. Rent in the south is anywhere between $1000-1500 for a two-bedroom apartment. Just decide if that much a month is worth your sanity.

Also start posting in the OYS starting tomorrow on a weekly basis. I do not know where I would be if I did not start doing that and taking this seriously. I hope to see you there.

DoersOfTheWord · 2020-02-11T08:01:13+00:00

I'd move. You're basically burning money in Cali for no good reason. Not sure moving in with family is good but closer to home sounds better than what you're doing now.

Title	Is this a good idea... ? Need outside perspective.
Author	hopeunseen
Upvotes	5
Comments	29
Date	February 10, 2020 11:13 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askRPC
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/f1yvlm/is_this_a_good_idea_need_outside_perspective/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askRPC/is-this-a-good-idea-need-outside-perspective.341097 https://theredarchive.com/post/341097