LTR wants to vacation with single friend

CainPrice · 2018-12-20T03:10:19+00:00

This one's on you.

A good girlfriend would want to spend New Year's with you rather than going on a trip with a friend of hers.

But your girlfriend doesn't have the option. You'll have your kids, and you're not in a place where you want her with your kids.

So what the heck is she supposed to do? Not celebrate New Year's? Sit at home dreaming of the next time she sees you? Maybe touch herself when she thinks about you? Watch the ball drop on TV and go to bed at 12:01?

Herdsengineers · 2018-12-20T05:44:46+00:00

It's like this - if you have your kids and you're not introducing her to the kids yet, then she can't be with you when you have your kids. Hence why she was probably a bit rude about telling you about this trip. She'd rather be with you, can't, and isn't liking it. Not saying you should intro her yet. Just saying think about it, it makes sense.

So next, if you won't let her be with you when you have your kids, you can't expect her to just sit home and do nothing. LTR or not, she doesn't owe you that. She's going with a female friend on a trip so she won't be alone, and she's going some place that isn't likely to be a big party scene if I understand your comments correctly.

Sounds like a chick that likes you and is disappointed she can't be with you for NYE, but is making other plans because she's not the type to sit around and do nothing (ie - she's motivated, which goes hand in hand with being a high earner). I see no red flags, to be honest man. She respecting your boundary even if she doesn't like it, and I don't see any particular red flag.

Btw - divorced dad here too. If LTR has only been a few months, you still need to get to know her better before letting her around your kids. She's got to be willing to go through the screening if she wants to be with you. Don't expect it to be easy on her, though. Try to be a bit compassionate to her about it. Understand she's going through what can sometimes be hard for you. You can be RP'd and still have a heart.

INNASKILLZ2K18 · 2018-12-20T11:32:43+00:00

As there is no alternative you can offer her, all I am reading in this post is that your feeling insecure and afraid she'll cheat.

You're lacking abundance mentality, idgaf, and you've clearly developed oneitis. Your lovey ways show this.

Her going shouldn't mean anything. Any attempt to stop her, will make you look jealous and insecure. IF you had a totally awesome night out planned, different story.

You should be so on top of your shit...so secure in your abundance mentality...that if she WERE to do something, bad luck to her, she just disqualified herself from your awesomeness, and hard next.

You're losing your frame...

Take a look at the reasons why the rough sex may be drying up...why she may be losing attraction, and use the break to get on top of your shit, again.

UnbreakableFrame · 2018-12-20T03:31:42+00:00

Your "LTR" hasn't met your kids? Why did you "LTR" someone who hasn't even known you long enough to have met your kids? Please post stats and sidebar progress so we know what we are dealing with here.

aanarchist · 2018-12-20T08:36:25+00:00

Just tell her you'd rather she not go then leave it up to her, it's not in your control. I was assuming at first it was a male friend and I was like buddy dump that whore but it makes sense if they're two good female friends to wanna do something together on a holiday, especially if you're not available may as well consider that friend her plan b. Kinda dick move if you insist she skip on her plan b after you her plan a won't do anything with her either.

[deleted] · 2018-12-20T10:19:07+00:00

Just tell her to use protection if she finds herself compromised.

What would you do without her, with a single male friend, over new years?

This is a single move typically but with your situation, you have no other choice so you suck it up and take this risk and remember investment on your part is mostly mental. You can get another woman, you just prefer not to.

I doubt my partner would cheat, would check in and post nudes as well.

But she would never go because our children have all met. I did it as soon as possible because the rule of not introducing them is a load of shit.

wkndatbernardus · 2018-12-20T14:28:41+00:00

Sounds like oneitis is creeping in here. Let her do what she wants. If she cheats on you, so be it. At least you know sooner than later that she is a ho and you shouldn't waste more time on her. It may sound counterintuitive but, the more aloof you are, the more attached to you she will be (if you are high value).

tacospitter · 2018-12-20T15:43:51+00:00

This is an important exercise in trust and independence, which matters almost more than anything in a LTR, especially those just beginning (under 1 year).

You should feel naturally okay with her going if you want your relationship to work long-term. You don't need to automatically feel okay about it (and you can't force yourself to), but you must understand that independence is paramount for the success of a relationship. You both have to feel okay with each other going off and doing your own things intermittently.

No, she shouldn't be going off to NYC every other weekend, no she shouldn't be getting lunch with her ex, etc. -- some things you don't need to be okay with, but if this is a one-time event, I would embrace it and see how you feel afterward.

It helps to ask why you feel negatively toward her going. Are you afraid she will betray her loyalty to the relationship in some way? Are you upset she isn't choosing to spend NYE with you instead? Why do you feel this way? Use this experience to learn about yourself.

TrimHer · 2018-12-20T16:17:44+00:00

She's coming home just like you're going to leave her. Freshly fucked.

chazthundergut · 2018-12-21T00:44:33+00:00

I would tell her to go have fun

_the_shape_ · 2018-12-20T04:15:00+00:00

First, in a situation like this one, you don't "demand" that she not go. You express your displeasure (aka laying out your boundaries) in a non-needy fashion ("I really wouldn't appreciate you going on this vacation, but I won't stop you" vs. "you have no idea how angry this vacation is going to make me and how many inanimate objects I will smash out of pure rage"), and you then choose to express the consequences or not of crossing said boundary. You always give women the freedom of choice, and the corresponding consequence of making that choice.

Your currency in this game is the attention you bring (I'm lumping together any financial incentives she may receive, irrespective of what she can do for herself, from being together with you). You have to make the decision to either continue contributing your attention, or to withdraw it, including permanently if need be.

Calmly. Cooly. Like you've done it before, will do it again, and won't lose any sleep over it because a) you have your 2 kids (and they probably mean the world to you) and b) you can get another woman to fill her spot.

bannedfromWTFmod · 2018-12-20T14:18:00+00:00

If you want her to break up with you or view you differently you can ask her not to go.

faustian_talos · 2018-12-20T14:26:34+00:00

She wants the D.

EvFlix83 · 2018-12-20T15:15:39+00:00

Tell her your thinking about doing the same......guage reaction.......act accordingly

[deleted] · 2018-12-20T15:41:14+00:00

You've been dating for ten months, she hasn't met your kids, and somehow this explains why you can't tag along. Am I hearing this right?

Why don't you want her to go?

HenryEnglehardt · 2018-12-20T04:10:18+00:00

Yeah, No. There is no good reason to let your woman off of her leash, ever, but especially not in fucking NY. That's like taking a recovering junkie to a heroin house. On top of that, her single friend is definitely going to be seeking some male companionship. There's a good chance she'll be on her own a good deal of that time.

Make no mistake, a woman who wants to spend an extended period of time away from you, in a major metropolitan area, at a time when said area is going to be overflowing with partying, drunken revelers does not have good intentions.

XxInnerRagexX · 2018-12-20T07:45:19+00:00

long story short she is gonna try and get fucked with her friend

mrHappyPotatoe · 2018-12-20T13:07:23+00:00

Tell her that your girlfriend/woman dont go on vacations without his man. But also let her know that she can do whatever she wants to do. She will thow you tantrums but if she respects you and have tingles for you she wont go.

If she choose to go you have to drop her with no futher explanations.

Ah and on top of that i give u a quote: birds of a feather flock together

Bedtimeshine · 2018-12-20T22:31:21+00:00

To me this is single girl shit. You have to let her actions speak for her, let her do what she wants, and adjust your commitment to her accordingly.

D3athN0te101 · 2018-12-20T04:33:49+00:00

Bit of a catch 22, as far I can tell.

On one hand, trying to persuade her not to go will be almost impossible to do without coming off as needy or communicating to her that you possess a fear of her fucking someone else and/or leaving you.

On the other hand, if she goes with her friend on vacation, it's pretty much certain that she's gonna get fucked. And if so, she's likely been planning this "vacation" for months. Also, more than likely her friend will also be taking part as well, and I'd doubt it's gonna be a threesome. More likely a gangbang.

The fact that she'd rather go out with her friend on NYE alone, means that you are not at the top of her priority list. Where you are on that list, I cannot say. But for certain, you are below her friend. And because a woman's primary partner is almost always prioritized over her friends, that would indicate that you are basically single at this point.

I know this isn't what you wanna hear, and I'm sorry. But better you come to terms with a harsh reality now, rather than find out later. If I'm wrong, wonderful. If I'm right, you avoid heartache by being prepared.

As far as what to do, I'd recommend coming off as care free. I'd even go as far as to encourage her to go out with her friend for the holiday. Tell her to enjoy her time, convince her that you're happy for her. While a bit narcissistic, and certainly a reverse psychology tactic, this will net you the best possible results.

WARNING: Under no circumstances should you become defensive. Once you do, you're relationship is over. Even if she stays, she'll always perceive you as being her bitch. Defensive behavior and responses indicate insecurity, and are the ultimate way to shatter your frame.

Imagine a child. You know he's guilty when he starts trying to convince you that he didn't eat the cookie after you told him not to.

The same applies here. She'll likely shit test you when she gets back. To compare you to the guy(s) she fucked, and thus make her final decision of who she wants to stay with.

Do not defend.

Do not justify.

Do not protest.

Do not accuse.

Do not give her the cold shoulder.

Act as normal and oblivious as possible, like you have no idea what went down. Cuz in reality, you don't. She could be having an honest, platonic vacation with her friend. She could also be getting fucked by every guy in Rio. You don't know, and it doesn't matter. Being Red Pilled, you should be ready to let her go at the drop of a hat anyway.

Also, while she's gone, I recommend getting some plates for yourself. If I'm right, having plates will soften the blow to your ego. If I'm wrong, ghost your plates, keep em on hold, smash em on the side, whatever is easier for you to manage or whichever you prefer.

Never feel guilty about having girls lined up. Cuz rest assured, whatever woman you're with has a line at least 4x the size of yours.

There's a reason women get gang bangs and men get threesomes. Just saying.

chanchali · 2018-12-20T06:07:28+00:00

As a woman; I would NEVER put my bf/husband in that position. Too much respect, empathy, and love to do something like that. She could be oblivious, and I would suggest being blunt and talking to her. Then, based on your conversation; I would see what decision she makes. Maybe her view will change; maybe yours will. I wouldn’t tell my SO what to do, but I would be honest with my feelings, and see what decision he makes.

You know what you’re willing to put up with, and you know your relationship better than anyone else. Wish the best for you guys; relationships aren’t always the easiest at times.

PrincessofRed · 2018-12-20T12:26:31+00:00

You can’t control her ? Let her so what she wants, it’s literally just a holiday.

cafeitalia · 2018-12-20T13:57:17+00:00

If you care enough about her to write and ask about it in here, sad to say but you are already her hamster. If you really had the abundance mentality you would not have given a f.ck about her going to NY or not. You had two options either make her stay the new year's with you and the kids or do not. You chose the do not side. Done. Stop procrastinating and be done with it. Her and the gf may end up having a gang bang and you will never know. But you should not give a f. If you show you care you already put yourself on a leash and she is holding it. Worst case just leave.

Meanwhile I fault you for not introducing kids to her yet. The kids are still too young and trust me at that age all they care is to play games and have fun. If she is fun and good with kids all would be fine. Kids at that age do not get attached easily. Heck majority of people do not remember their 3 year old selves and barely remember 4.

Incaahhh · 2018-12-20T20:39:24+00:00

You seem unsure, not good. Would you really make your kids meet someone new and then divide their time with you? What's so wrong with her going with a friend? Think she's gonna get fucked by 10 Chads? If so what makes you think that?

Come on man, i think spending time with your kids is more important than tending to your insecurities.

Title	LTR wants to vacation with single friend
Author	w0wbagg3r
Upvotes	62
Comments	91
Date	December 20, 2018 3:04 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/a7toyr/ltr_wants_to_vacation_with_single_friend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/ltr-wants-to-vacation-with-single-friend.71125 https://theredarchive.com/post/71125