Brother Issues

vandaalen · 2019-06-22T17:19:44+00:00

I would just kick him out to my parents, but the problem is they don't live in the same province as me, and he has nowhere to go.

How is that your problem?

The answer why he doesn't change is very easy: There is no need for him to change his situation. In Germany we have the word "Leidensdruck", which literally translates to "suffering pressure", meaning the degree of stress that is put on you. Unless it's high enough, people do not need a reason to change.

It's the same with junkies. They will not go for rehab unless there literally is no other option left for them.

If you want to help him become a better person, you put the necessary pressure on him by forcing him to make a change for himself.

Tell him he's got one hour to do the dishes, one day to do the laundry, one week to start applying for jobs and one month to show some true effort to change his situation and that if he fails at any of those you will kick him out.

Then go through with it. Yes. You kick him out if he doesn't do the dishes within one hour. Remember you are doing it for him.

NotAJoKe1002 · 2019-06-22T20:55:44+00:00

my mom kicked out my older brother when he was 19 for smoking weed and doing drugs and now he is 42 has a decent job and has 2 kids and a wife as well as a home. It's called tough love mate.

AceMav21 · 2019-06-22T19:03:53+00:00

Some girls will fuck in an outhouse you can still bring bitches over just damn him to the masturbation cave with his video games & porn. Then tell her yeah I genetics ain’t everything.

FinancialFeed · 2019-06-22T18:45:42+00:00

He’s taking advantage of you, fuck him. Kick his out. It’s honestly not your responsibility to take care of him he is an adult.

thy_shall_win · 2019-06-22T19:20:50+00:00

Weird that you are twins but have taken completely different paths. Why do you think that is the case? Maybe that's what he's missing?

rambler429 · 2019-06-22T21:04:22+00:00

There are no negative consequences for him for his bad behavior.

Until there are, there is absolutely no reason for him to change, and expecting him to is pipe dreaming.

legaxo · 2019-06-22T23:19:41+00:00

Sometimes people need to be thrown out into the war zone to get their shit together. I think forcing him to get it together would be the best thing you could do for him.

lossescollector · 2019-06-22T23:09:31+00:00

You said he has anxiety. If this is true then this can be very serious. It isn't your responsibility to fix it but please don't make light of mental issues, they can be very debilitating.

Mild111 · 2019-06-22T23:03:08+00:00

Be an equal/opposite inconvenience on his life. Padlock your room and the refrigerator. Take the internet modem with you when you leave. Every time he falls asleep, play semi-loud country music (or hip hop if he likes country) Be the worst roommate he could ever want. Don't be shy or passive aggressive about it either. Be very upfront that his behavior will dictate yours.

marcus8crassus · 2019-06-22T23:32:16+00:00

I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. Based off of prior responses, it’s clear what you need to do. I would suggest having a heart to heart with him and when you do, talk briefly about your journey and how his actions have affected you. Instead of belaboring every point, describe the main ones, and write it all out in word or something. Then print it, put it in an envelope and give it to him.

If this doesn’t result in a change in his behavior, you will move out after the lease. Don’t tell him this though, he will intuitively understand it. You might be surprised, as desperate as things feel you just might see a change in him worth sticking around for.

EvelynnSpoiler · 2019-06-23T00:29:45+00:00

Bioenergetics. Elliott Hulse talks a lot about it. This might seem a bit extreme, but it is what he needs. He's taking himself out of reality every day and is probably depersonalized. He needs to release his trauma energy and all that shit that has built up inside him.

Julien from RSD now teaches a programme called Transformation Mastery, and a key part of this is releasing trauma energy through exercises that involve rigorous movemen and shouting. Think of it as metaphorically cleansing your Sins. I'd suggest you give it a go too.

You need to convince him that he needs to cry. I'd advise he did it while you're not in the house. He needs to get this shit out of his system, otherwise he will spend the rest of his life doing nothing and feeling emotionally numb.

He might find it difficult to cry - especially when feeling numb. The best way Elliott found to get yourself to cry is to sit in front of a mirror and just ask yourself and repeat "Why?".

The results are similar to psychedelic therapy, minus the substances. It works. The poor guy needs to get all this fucking shit out of his system first otherwise he won't be receptive to your help.

My experience is that I've been there. Doing the exact same thing. In fact I'm only breaking out of it myself again and crying fucking works.

waste2muchtime · 2019-06-23T04:29:27+00:00

When the lease is over, tell him you're thinking of moving and getting a studio, thinking of starting a family and whatever.

Then go do your own thing. That way you force him to get his act together without hurting him.

Krsna108 · 2019-06-22T17:08:56+00:00

Move into a smaller apartment , and rent one for him too. Close but not next to Each-other. Once on his own he value start Improving

cpotpie1 · 2019-06-22T18:21:38+00:00

Treat him like a kid, because he's acting like one.

When I was a kid, I would get in trouble and my mom and take my playstation controllers. Not the system, THE CONTROLLERS. It was mental torture looking at the playstation but not being able to play it. (I had a job, and little did she know, I went out and bought an extra controller she didn't know about.)

Let's say he has the livingroom dirty. Start by taking all his shit and putting it in plastic bags. If he wants his shit back, you make him work for it. "Want the playstation controller back? Wash the dishes for a week". You may need to change the locks on your bedroom door so you can lock it and he can't get in your room to get his shit. Make him work for his shit back.

I would say only give the important shit back when he has fulfilled major criteria. For example, let's say he wants his playstation back, make sure he has a job.

Treat him like you would any other child. Put your foot down, be a fucking man, and mean it.

pebblefromwell · 2019-06-22T20:50:20+00:00

Move to your own place

[deleted] · 2019-06-23T00:53:09+00:00

I mean if it’s your home, it should be your rules. What I would do is take his desktop and weed with me when I am not home to my car, if he gets angry then he has to deal with it by cleaning or he can leave

[deleted] · 2019-06-23T02:25:15+00:00

any episode of the ultimate fighter comes to mind

piss or cum on your food, then we eats it show him pics and tell him you like your food like that and have done it for years

he wont eat your food anymore

[deleted] · 2019-06-23T02:52:15+00:00

The only type of sibling I would never want is an identical twin

LifeIsAdreamGoLucid · 2019-06-23T03:38:19+00:00

Fuck man! Your bro has set himself up for the perfect life, from his perspective that is. He definitely wont change a thing when hes living in a stoner's paradise.

Honestly as a former stoner, he would be able to adapt and accept what ever shit you throw at him regarding things at home. Plus having all that bad energy between you would just be a drag.

Looks like eventually moving out by yourself or shipping him to mar and pa`s is the best options. Good luck dude.

[deleted] · 2019-06-23T03:42:02+00:00

To the curb. Hard times produce good men. Good men make good times. Good times make weak men and weak men make hard times. Send him out the door and he will hate you but eventually realize hes being a douche. And if he doesnt you dont need a leetch like that in your life. Better yet move out. He cant control what you do. Just leave and let him deal with it.

SauliusTRP · 2019-06-23T06:49:31+00:00

Move out yourself without him, if you can’t kick him.

uptimex · 2019-06-23T06:52:32+00:00

Brother Jesus

MCA_T · 2019-06-23T08:10:21+00:00

I was once your brother (well same lifestyle and excuses) but eventually my family couldn't support me and it was either starve or sort my shit out, believe me i sorted my shit out, no longer have anxiety/attacks, no longer smoke weed(all day) got my security license and working towards CCTV and working part time, Give him an ultimatum tell him if he doesn't carry his weight around the house and get a job/go college/uni or sort his shit out you'll kick him out and report him to unemployment say hes just spending all his money on weed and games and not looking for work.

as bad as it sounds he didn't care when he was putting you in a bad situation and using up all your resources and energy, if you do not do this he will never learn and you will have to put up with it for the rest of your life. believe me my dads done it with my mother for the last 15 years

caralto · 2019-06-23T13:26:47+00:00

why not fuck the girl at her place? just saying. esp if you not yet willing to nuke your bro.

flapjacksrbetter · 2019-06-23T16:47:03+00:00

Identical as you guys look exactly alike? Absolutely at the ends of two spectrums

xoxuv · 2019-06-23T17:12:24+00:00

Just move. He can go back to your parents, or fix his own life. Is his choice. If he chooses to be fucked, is his choice, not yours.

You are not responsible for him, and he is taxing you with more than money and annoyances. He's consuming the only limited resource you have in life: time.

Your time lost, not advancing your life, will never be recovered. Nobody is going to repair it, nobody is ever going to compensate you for it.

HastTagLavishLust · 2019-06-23T00:43:55+00:00

You sound like you assumed the role of a beta and he assumed the role of a manipulative female. I advise you treat the relationship as such.

"Clean the dishes right now or you're sleeping under the patio tonight. And give me a blowjob after you are done."

The key is to follow up with your threats.

Title	Brother Issues
Author	adam9545
Upvotes	93
Comments	65
Date	June 22, 2019 4:58 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/c3s20t/brother_issues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/brother-issues.243046 https://theredarchive.com/post/243046