She always explodes during the holidays due to some childhood trauma. She also always explodes when there are lot of changes, it triggers her abandonment issues. Since we were moving to a new apartment, I had predicted that she would explode as well. I was prepared for it. My goal was to not fight, keep my cool, no matter what. I fucking did it.

Background: This is the most personal post I have written. She went nuts after the pregnancy, trying to kick me out of the house, not feeding him, nor letting me feed him, insanity, divorce threats. My son got very weak. It was as if she took him hostage. I crumbled and gave up all my boundaries in this, even my friends and my time. She lost respect for me, and started acting more aggressive and destructive, trying to find the man in me, and I kept just giving up more and more instead of standing up to myself. I found TRP as part of my process of becoming strong and assertive again to have good boundaries and a healthy relationship. I’ve worked a lot on frame and on letting go on resentment. When I say I used to crumble, I mean I was having panic attacks, like in The Sopranos; left overs from my own ignored baggage of childhood abuse. I had to deal with that head on, no fucking excuses, there is no point blaming my shit parents for this. This is my shit now, I own it, I overcome it.

Yes, I’m the bluest of the blue here. I’m starting from way behind everyone else. There is no shame in that. I’m owning my shit, and I’ll keep improving all the time. This might seem like small stuff, but I feel like a Hero for conquering my panic attacks using Frame.

The move was hard, 4 stories down, then one up. It was up to me and a friend to carry everything. Wife found excuses to not do her share on time, so this made things hard. I had bronchitis, coughing a bit of blood at times. My friend dropped the washing machine and I caught it on my leg, injuring my muscle really badly. No point bitching or complaining about any of that, I did what I could to move us. I still carried everything, even with the bad leg. I admit I caught myself snapping instructions to her a few time. This was loss of frame, I realized it, and I tried to be more observant to keep my cool. We finish the bigger parts of the move. She wants to go the furniture store while I move heavy things, I mentioned that my leg was very hurt, and I wanted her help moving stuff. I didn’t complain, I was assertive about my limitation and directly asked for help, but big mistake, she smelled weakness, the biggest trigger to her explosions. We enjoyed New Years Eve with good champagne. She seemed happy. She always ruins New Years with a tantrum, but she didn't. Was this a new beginning?

The next morning she is angry, announces we need to talk about our relationship. She suffers from insomnia, and stays up all fighting with me in her head, where she makes up evidence that I don’t love her, and therefore, she decides to push me away before I do. She used to explode yelling in the middle of the night, but I stopped that months ago. So instead she used to explode in the morning. It hadn’t happened in months, but here it was, the predicted nuclear shit test. I breathed with my balls, did a quick check, no panic, then checked my posture, to feel stronger, and told her I was happy to listen to her, but we should do it when our son was napping later in the day. Silence treatment until then, and then she comes to the bedroom and undresses in front of me, and we have sex. She was ovulating, but also, she sometimes uses sex for shit tests. Sex was good, but as soon as we are done, she lays down next to me, staring blankly, and announces she doesn’t love and isn’t attracted to me anymore. Not new, she is just pressing buttons, trying to get me to react, trying to see if I’m an oak. She is scared of the changes of the move, insecure, and when she is, she tries to push me away. I decided I win by being an oak. Breath with balls, keep frame. She doesn’t get a reaction from me, so she goes even lower, and tells me that she was fantasizing of other men during sex. I do a reality check: she has gained quite some weight lately, I’ve lost weight and gained muscle. We have had a lot of good sex lately, fun stuff. She likes to test me after sex, she is just going hard this time, I decided. I just tell her I understand she is insecure with all the changes and the big move. I decided this was a comfort test. She uses me as an emotional tampon for about 30 minutes, and I stay as an oak. The rest of the evening is great, she is happy and close to me, with loving body language. She falls asleep on my chest that night. I passed, I thought at the time.

Next morning she has that face again where she didn’t sleep. I’m going to keep frame, I’m not going to crumble. She screams that we need to talk about the relationship. I say we can talk, that we didn’t finish our conversation from last time. I’m cool, I’m in control, I feel confident. I have good posture, and she takes a step back intimidate, and starts banging the kitchen counter, bat shit crazy. I breathe and say calmly but firmly: Don’t bang the counter. It is unacceptable. She stops the behavior, but screams “I’ll do whatever I want, I’m angry angry angry!” Our 2y/o son comes running, he is scared by her. I have to stop this, my frame must protect HIM at all costs. I told her calmly: “I want to talk more to you, but this is upsetting him, so we will talk later.” and pick him up and eat breakfast with him. A few minutes later she comes and screams she wants me out of the house NOW. I don’t even flinch, I keep eating. I was planning to leave to do some stuff in the old apartment anyway, and she knew it. She is pacing around the house like a maniac, I finish breakfast with my son, and tell her I’ll go now for a few hours. I breathe, keep my cool, no panic attack, get dressed, get my tools. I find she has moved a chair into the middle of the hallway and is sitting there, blocking the way. She wants to fight SO bad, and I’m not giving her a fight, she is blocking my way to start one. I laugh inside, she has gone full retard, the crazier she gets, the easiest it is now for me to keep frame. I walk around her and leave.

Doing work in the other place was great for me. At one point my brain wandered off to her tantrum, and my hands started shaking, the panic attack was just under the surface. I noticed it, I breathed and did my frame posture check, and it disappeared! I felt very confident. I can fucking do this!

I went back home, and she was more calmed, but irritated. She starts accusing me of all sorts of nonsense, pressing all the old buttons. Essentially, then underlying message she is saying is that she hates me, without saying so offensively, to see if I react. I keep focused, and only say “I understand you are very angry”, “It sounds like you have a lot of resentment.” etc. Concentrating on frame, I’m an oak. This is Fogging from WISNIFG. All her attacks bounce of me, I don't fall for any of her baits to get me angry. She calms down, and I lead her to the chair so we talk more. She bitches more stuff in a whiny tone, I don’t react at all, just keep fogging, without giving any terrain, nor fighting. Then it finally comes. After the “I hate you” stuff, it is always followed by accusations of me trying to leave her because I’ve been busy with the move and snappy to her. I let her speak. I assume she is just really saying she wants an oak. So I stay calm, I don’t give in, although I did apologized once for the snappy tone during the move. She is calming down more, mentioning the other fears she always does, repeating herself, we are in familiar ground, I know this pattern well, it is over. I didn’t give in an inch, I didn’t become angry, I didn’t panic, I defended my boundaries, I didn’t crumble, I was an oak. I won, there is relief in her eyes.

A few minutes later she notices one piece of furniture is slightly banged in a place that it usually hidden anyway. She explodes again. “You ruin everything! Everything” screaming like a valkyrie. I had to laugh inside. No break for me, but I know I already won this, so I use some agree and amplify “I do ruin everything! I am the ebola of furniture! I am the ISIS of moving”. I wasn’t being sarcastic, I was really having fun with it, this was hilarious to me, really, because this explosion is absolutely ridiculous, and I know I won already. She bitches more and I amplify more and she calms down and says it is all ok, that she just had a bad day.

That night we were both emotionally exhausted, but I made sure not to show it. She fell asleep on my chest again. Next morning she said she was feeling better now, which is her way of apologizing for her tantrum. The next few days she told me she hasn’t slept well yet, and is exhausted emotionally, but she has been well behaved.

I know I have a lot to improve on. Please make concrete suggestions (not only what to do, but WHY to do it, it helps me more that way). But for me, keeping frame instead of having a panic attack was a HUGE breakthrough. In a way, I think this explosion was her way of really testing if I was strong again or not, and I proved to myself and to her I am. I’m sure I can up the alpha a lot, I’m sure many here will say “fuck her silly”, or she is crazy, dump her, I’m sure there are ways to suggest how to cut this shorter. But for me, at the stage I am, at the stage we are in the relationship, my victory was to keep frame, be a rock, unmoved by the storm.

I’ll admit I’m tired from all this, but happy I stayed strong. I can’t let it show because then she will explode again. But fuck, this was my biggest nightmare that would give me panic attacks, and I beat it with frame!

TL;DR: Wife went BPD nuclear again, I kept frame. Beat my panic attacks.