A few weeks ago I posted about how my wife mixes her comfort and shit tests. Here’s a bit more theory.

Let me get one rant thing out of the way.

I get it. The supposed complexity of women can seem overwhelming. But once you understand what they really want it becomes quite simple really. We’re just so steeped in the pussifying belief that women are complicated (also, this). If you’re intimidated, frustrated, or confused by your wife’s emotions, you’ve still got a long ways to go. Once the color returns to your knuckles, you’ll start having fun.

If you’ve done any sort of reading around here, you’ll know that there are shit tests and comfort tests. There are ways to tell them apart and how to handle them. Also, men get boners for categories. It’s just in our nature, plus we can assign solutions to each category. Oh, you have a shit test? Step right up, there’s a smorgasbord of solutions to pick from. Comfort test? One size fits all: hug her tight, kiss her on the forehead, and say “you’re the one I want.” Simple. (Yes, I watched Pirates recently. How could you tell?)

The theory: both shit and comfort tests stem from the same goal, which is to determine her own security in the relationship. We can handle them better if we realize they move along a continuum.

Think about it: shit tests prove your strength, comfort tests prove your commitment. Both of those things, when proven, make her feel like you can handle anything that comes your way and will stay by her side as you do. They tell her you are a man that can satisfy both sides of her sexual strategy (RP on hard mode, remember?).

I suggest four interdependent categories:

1 - All shit

There ain’t no doubt about the sheeeeit in this test because its astronomic ridiculousness is only overshadowed by the sound of screeching. Her feeeeeelz deserve no consideration, and the best techniques are STFU, A&A, AM, and playful swatting. Do not get butthurt that she tests like this. It just means either (A) she's destined to be a cold, shrill harpy or (B) you haven’t smacked it down hard enough with your raw, playful masculinity.

2 - Hints of comfort

The tone is still shit, but she has a genuine (to her) concern about something she’s obviously an authority on. Maybe there’s a hint of emotion too. The ideal response addresses her concern, but doesn’t necessarily address the issue. Fogging, broken record, negative inquiry, and negative assertion are recommended. She feels heard, and you do you anyway. (This is also effective for those other certain tests where her emotions make her bitchy and needy simultaneously.)

3 - Hints of shit

She’s really sensing some doom and actually needs comfort, but she’s also clinging desperately to her bitchiness. She still uses the “you” statements of shit tests, but she’s at a breaking point. Don’t offer comfort yet, for the simple reason of rewarding only good behavior. At this point in an interaction, I’ll actually push her towards a breakdown by being a cold-hearted motherfucker. At this point most guys would ignore her until she shapes up, but doing so ignores an opportunity to be the oak. She’s too emotional to just pull it together, and damage could be done if you ignore her obvious need for comfort, even if she doesn’t deserve it yet. Wait to see if she’ll realize her need of you.

4 - All comfort

This test comes from pure fear. Whether the result of dread or simple insecurity, she’s vulnerable and knows it. She accepts the fact that she needs your strong arms, broad chest, and stoic neck to nuzzle under. If your woman is stubborn by nature, you’ll be initiating the hug. That’s ok. Don’t play Lets-See-Who-Is-More-Stubborn. You know what she needs, so you give it to her. You’re the oak, not the rock anymore. You comfort those clearly seeking refuge under your branches.

I’ve gotten feedback that some women apparently only test in binary form, shit or comfort. Tell me your experience.

Edit: formatting. I can't get the fucking youtube video to embed. Fuck it. Enjoy anyway.

Edit2: added a mini-FR describing the second type in a comment, below.