Multiple updates at bottom.

 

ORIGINAL POST:

 

tl;dr: Married for ~10 years, LTR with her for 3 years before marriage. There is potential infidelity.

 

Background:

Years 0 to 3: We met in undergrad. I'm 6 years older (old undergrad). She was raised very religious. A virgin when we met. Saving herself. Had multiple beta orbiters. I was attractive, wealthy family, ambitious, and had good game. She thought me an alpha and beta bucks family man. She was very sexually attracted to me. Took her virginity before marriage. I was very blue pill: verba non acta, constantly DEER, depended on validation and approval, anxious (though faked being confident), no real MAP, BP sexual strategy, jealous, oneitis, SJW and all the Mr. Nice Guy traits.

Years 3 to 5: We moved to my home state. I went to law school. We got married. She was dedicated to me, but a BP dead bedroom developed.

Years 5 to 8: Downward spiral: I started abusing pills (uppers and downers). Got fat and lazy. Handed over all responsibilities to her (finances, household). I sat on the couch. She got bored and depressed and joined some women’s meetup groups and philanthropy organizations. I was super controlling and jealous. The drunk first mate. In 2010, she reached out to my family. They staged an substance abuse intervention. I got sober.

years 8 (2011) through 11 (2013): Finally finished law school. She met Chad, her physical therapist. Attractive, spiritual, family man. Just her type. Gave her tingles. I started working as a lawyer and earning money. Started smoking and got fatter. Beta as ever.

Years 12 (2014) and 13 (2015/current): Quit smoking, started eating clean and LIFTING HARD. Within 6 months, was in the best shape of my life. I took over the law firm. I hired my wife full time. At home, she was still the captain. Still had a dead bedroom.

About 6 months ago (June 2015) I realized my SMV was high and higher than hers: I had a successful law firm. I was jacked like a fitness model. Hot, young women wanted me. I got respect from my physical stature alone. I loathed being in a dead marriage around such abundance. So, just days before I found TRP, I gave her an unfairly premature ultimatum: Dead bedroom ends or I'm done.

A few days later I discovered TRP and MRP. IRead the sidebar material like my life depended on it. Saw the matrix as it really was for the first time. Swallowed the pill. Acta non verba! Over the past 6 months the marriage steadily turned around. The dead bedroom ended. It’s become a lot of fun, and still improving.

The issue...: Twice a month she leaves work to go to meetings for one of two philanthropic organizations. One was two days ago. As she was leaving my firm to go home first (car is parked at the condo a block from the office), I say, I’ll go with you. I want to take a shit and tell her so. She barks, “well, you're using the downstairs bathroom.” 20 minutes later, as she's leaving, I say, “what did you have to do upstairs? Your makeup?” (Meeting is chaired by an alpha, and the committee is a harem of women mostly younger than her and attractive. Obviously she needs to doll up. AWALT.) She barks back at me, “no, I had to fix my hair, and why are you following me home?Following her? WTF? I say, “excuse me?” She says she had to do her hair and “wanted some space.” I told her all the space she wanted was outside the front door. She asks me if I’m threatening divorce (a comfort issue since the premature ultimatum). 30 mins later, she texts: “I don’t think that was a healthy way to fight. I am disappointed that you threatened the marriage, but equally sorry for getting upset over things that are ultimately petty.”

The "space" thing was a red flag. She never says that. I'm suspicious, so I check her facebook search history and discover:

  • From 2012 to 2014, her most popular search by far was for PT Chad (80 times). Her sister and I were a distant 2nd and 3rd. This cooled a bit in 2015 (4 times, once in last 6 months, a month ago).
  • Now, since July, she's been searching for this recently divorced young attorney that goes to the meetings for her other monthly charitable organization (not the one she went to that day), and corresponds with her on the various projects. Let’s call him Seth MacFarlane. He’s her #1 search by far in the past 6 months (12 times). 4 times in July. 2 times in August. 3 times in September. And 1 time last month.

She hasn't physically seen Chad since 2012. She sees Seth MacFarlane monthly at the meetings (for the past 3 years and will for at least 2 more). There is no other contact I know about other than a lunch out one time (in late 2014) to plan a charity event.

I decide to confront. Late Friday at home, after a nice dinner out, I say, “listen, I know you want to be a good wife, so I'm going to call you out on something you've been doing.” She takes an aggressive posture. I say, “You’ve been Facebook stalking some guys for a long time now.” She says, “That’s ridiculous.” I maintain frame, and calmly say, “Drop the bullshit. You know what I’m talking about.” I name PT Chad and Seth MacFarlane. She gives a bullshit denial (sounded so true though, wow!). I tell her I saw on her FB her top searches by far were Chad from 2012 to 2014 and Seth MacFarlane in the past 6 months." She denies. I give her the numbers. She goes silent. I tell her to do what she thinks is right.

I decided I wouldn’t bring it up again. Next day, I had to GTFO. When I get back, I initiated. She's troubled and said, "I can't until we talk about Facebook." So I invite her to speak her mind. She starts to make it about me searching her FB, but eventually says, "I'm going to be honest with you, because we're working on making our relationship better, and it's getting better, but I want to make sure you are in a rational place to discuss this." I say, “We’re adults. I know you want to make the relationship better. What’s up?"

She tells me that she had a huge 2-year crush (2012-2014) on PT Chad. She knows it's a problem and she feels ashamed. She says our relationship was not working (true) and she started fantasizing and stalking. I asked when they hooked up. She says it was never physical, that the fantasy and crush happened entirely after she stopped going to see him.

I asked about Seth MacFarlane. She says I'm completely wrong about that; she only checked his page for charity related stuff. I called bullshit. She then trickled that after I gave her the ultimatum in July (this year), she realized her whole life was built around me and that she’d be stranded if we split. She thought about every guy she knew and which guy she could swing to as a backup, and he was the only viable one. Says she realized she was not attracted to him and he is now in a serious relationship, so she decided if I did leave her, she would go move to her sister’s out-of-state.

She says our marriage is working for her now and that she is telling me this so we can move forward stronger and more open.

I don’t know the actual extent of her interactions with or feelings for Chad or Seth MacFarlane. I suspect there is more to the story, and will be.

 


 

UPDATES:

 

Update 1: I GTFO after the last conversation. As I am writing the above, I see she changed all her passwords.

 

Update 2: I go home a few fours later. She wants to talk. She apologizes about having the 2-year crush on Chad. Says it was because our marriage wasn't working. Says she stopped going to PT when she realized that she had intense feelings for him, but FB stalked him for 2 years after. She says the crush was completely one-sided.

As for Seth MacFarlane, she says she got a flirty vibe from him when they first met and he seemed like a viable LTR option for her if we split up. But now he's in a serious relationship. My gut tells me there is more to the story with Seth MacFarlane.

She says she panicked and changed her passwords because she didn't know what I was going to do, but she changed them all back.

I don't want to hear anymore bullshit. I don't think she cheated. I think she flirted and fantasized. This is an AWALT lesson for me. If she responds to my changes she can be with me. If she doesn't Chad or Seth can have her.

 

Update 3: I checked all the emails, calendars, and some other resources. I now have clarity. She is attracted to two types of men: polite, ambitious, wealthy or well-provisioned betas and stable, well-established men she sees as wise authority figures (the latter is a daddy issues thing she got from having a weak, socially awkward, irresponsible/reckless, unloving hypocrite as a father who happened to also be a Christian pastor and professor. I once fulfilled both of these needs -- she pedestalized me early on for years: I knew everything and could provide anything. When the illusion lifted, she withdrew sexual availability consciously and subconsciously.)

Her dealings with these men are always very overtly appropriate. There have been no sexual affairs. She must sense a repressed attraction and the qualities I just described. Her imagination will do the rest, driven by her hypergamy. These are not failings. These are signs of a respectable woman (at wits end with my deplorable behavior, as /u/jacktenofhearts pointed out) having AWALT feelings and acting on them in respectful ways. The failings have been mine.

But let's be real here. I failed us in the past, but I've worked hard to become the prize. She will fully realize this this, or she won't, but she deserves time. I need to go liissue

Thank you all.