This is long as fuck. It’s a compilation of the journal I kept for the past year documenting my thoughts and observations along my journey to reclaim and embrace my masculinity.

Calibration and Correlation

Throughout this post, I’ll frequently describe my wife’s actions. Applying concepts from NMMNG and WISNIFG means decoupling my judgement of myself from her judgement of me, but as is frequently stated around here, she is a reflection of me and filling the container I provide. I have consciously not adjusted my MAP in response to her actions, but observing her response to my changes and using that data as feedback has been effective when refining my tactical actions. I’m not doing anything specifically so she will fuck me, but when she does fuck (or respect), I pay attention to what I did that worked. I am mindful of her macro response because eventually it will be her response (or lack of) to my action that determines if I continue my married relationship with her.

Tuesday, May 5th 2015, I took the pill.

Starting stats:

Me:

• 34 years old
• Skinny-fat (6’3, 190 lbs, 20%+ BF), obvious jiggly beer belly
• Haircut I’ve had since High School
• Sloppy dresser (always had good hygene though…)
• Career Beta-bux
• Lots of Omega behavior
• Serious, intense personality with my family; not a fun guy
• Gregarious with nearly everyone else, but lazy about making friends

My Marriage:

• Married for 8.5 years
• Dating for 7 years before that
• We’re each other’s only sex partner (as far as I care to believe)
• 2 young children, 1 and 3 at the time

Here’s how I got to the starting line.

The morning I “took” the pill was literally the first day of the rest of my life.

I can’t remember any event in my life that brought so much sudden clarity. Like every captain’s journey, mine started out as a quest for sex, but I immediately realized [RED PILL LESSON] what I was missing was respect and the sex I wanted was just an expression of my wife’s respect for me.

Anger? Of course I had a little but it was just so clear what the problem was and that I was the one who caused it. Why be angry with myself when I did what I judged to be the right thing with the information I had?

In my profession, I always tell people that anything can be done in two steps. First, define the problem; Second, solve it. Right there on the screen were both of those steps. As an engineer, the 12 levels of Dread was a clear path to a reality I desperately wanted. MRP was a community of guys who knew exactly what was missing in my life and had done the same thing I needed to do to find it. The recommendation is to work one dread per month and to expect the MAP to take as many months as you had years in your relationship. We’ve been together 16 years so I decided to take things extra slow and work each level for two months and give her time to reflect properly.

Day 1:

The very first action I took was to get dressed that morning and tuck my shirt in. I haven’t done this ever except when wearing a suit and tie.

• I got to work and created a new Amazon account and ordered hard copies of the side bar books to be delivered to my office.

• I found PDFs of the Sex God Method and Book of Pook, bookmarked them on my phone.

• I called a clinic and scheduled my vasectomy, something I’d been putting off for months.

• On my family Amazon account, I ordered Starting Strength.

• I found all the gyms within a reasonable radius from my office and house, researched their cost and hours, and called to ask about their free-weight arrangement.

• I found the r/fitness bodyweight beginner routine and printed it out to take home.

• I picked the dates and destination for a yearly camping trip we take with out-of-state friends, then sent an email to the group telling them the plan. I assigned each family a meal responsibility, and I booked the campsite. In the past, the logistics of this event were typically handled with the “IDK, what does everyone else want to do?” method.

• I installed the Clue and MFP apps on my phone and also apps for my bank and both our credit cards.

• I normally eat at my desk and work through lunch, but today, I drove to a nearby park to eat and read MRP on my phone.

I got home that night with my game-face on. My wife is a serious clutter-bug and I am the opposite. It always pissed me off that she wouldn’t clean up her own shit, so I passive-aggressively just left the mess (like that would show her…) [COVERT CONTRACT]. My new attitude was: I want an orderly environment in which to live, therefor it’s my responsibility to make it so. I went through the house and mentally noted all the things that needed doing. I knew I was in no position to order my wife around, so I got to work. I picked up and put away all the kids toys, cooked dinner, did the dishes, then sorted all her clutter on the table into keep and recycle piles. During all this, my kids were buzzing around demanding attention but my wife kept them occupied, saying “Don’t bother your dad; he’s mad about something.” Then she would sort of side-glance at me with furrowed brow. In hindsight, my “game face” was probably way too serious and my behavior was probably too drastic of a change for day 1… whatever.

I didn’t drink any beer for the first night in years.

That night after kids’ bedtime, I dug out my old workout clothes and started the BW routine. My wife, sitting on the couch with her phone and TV, snickered and asked “Uhh, what are you doing?” I told her “I’m going to get in shape. I don’t want to be the slow dad when our boys start sports.” This would have been a great time to Agree and Amplify, but on Day 1, I would have just been a dick about it. The workout kicked my ass. I showered and went to bed after pecking my wife on the lips.

Day 2:

Again, I tucked my shirt in. Wife asked if my customer was in town. “Nope.” I answered, and left it at that. Again, I spent my lunch hour (and many breaks during the day) reading the MRP wiki. I got home and blitzed the house to knock out any outstanding chores I saw. We have always read to our kids, dozens of books per day. I continued that routine, but consciously made my reading more animated than usual and the kids ate it up. The BW fitness routine is every other day, so tonight after the kids were in bed, I went for a run. When I got back, I showered and got in bed. My wife came in, undressed and got in bed too. Tonight, she was wearing a thong, which is unusual for her. Her style of initiating is to lay in the middle of the bed, turn her back to me, and allow me to gently touch her body. That’s what happened, but when I saw the thong, I outwardly showed my excitement. From then on in the session, everything felt a little forced and we had some gentle missionary sex. [RED PILL LESSON] Women dress sexy to please alphas all the time, reacting to it as if it’s a treat just proves I’m faking it.

Week 1:

Throughout this week, my mission was to begin good habits and eliminate bad habits (AKA get myself in order)

• I stopped asking for permission to do anything, especially spend my time or money.
• I continued to sharpen up my current wardrobe by only wearing my best looking shirts and jeans, tucking them in.
• I shaved every other day instead of every third day.
• I stopped talking about work at home.
• I worked out and ran on alternating days, resting on Saturday. Ehrmagawd, the DOMS… felt SO good!
• I stopped watching TV and surfing the web in the evenings (Spent that time working out or reading Starting Strength)
• I stopped drinking beer (other than one at band practice or at a show).
• I felt disgusted by the weakness associated with porn and fapping, so that was easy to stop.
• We already eat healthy, but I stopped raiding the sugar-snack drawer at work.
• My books arrived and I started reading them on my lunch hours, NMMNG first. Jebus what an eye-opener…
• I created a spreadsheet (I know…) to track my fitness progress, my sexual progress, and my MAP categories.
• I stopped asking or thanking for sex.

I initiated sex every day, sometimes earlier than usual. As usual, my wife always had an excuse (too relaxed, too tired, whatever). Upon rejection, I either did something else or went to sleep. But on day 5, she gave in. During foreplay, I took some advice from the sub and just put my dick in her face without asking; she sucked it for the first time in over 3 years! Fuck yeah! I was on a roll so I spun her around and pounded her doggy-style until we both came. Now, DS has always been one of the allowed activities, usually once per month, with the rest being missionary or spoon positions, but this time I didn’t hold back on the intensity and by her wetness, I could tell she enjoyed it. Looking back at my collected data, this was at the peak of her ovulation. [RED PILL LESSON] She WANTS to be dominated.

Two days later, she initiated again by wearing a thong and climbing on top when we went to bed (also highly unusual). This session, we went through two new positions and ended with a hard pounding in missionary. Afterward, she told me “That was fun!” I just smirked.

The next night, we both knew what was up and mutually initiated. This time, I asked no permission and ate her pussy, fucked her doggy-style to cum (in my condom), then fingerblasted and ate her out to cum again. This was a big deal, as I hadn’t given her multiple orgasms in a single session in a very, very long time. And suddenly pussy-eating was back on the table…

During the waking hours, I was still (overly) intense about getting my ship in order.

Week 2:

My goal with the BW program was to get in the habit of exercise and gain some basic functional strength while I shopped for free weights and read Starting Strength. I started reading all about nutrition and tracking my calories and macros. I bought some ON Gold Standard whey powder to balance my macros to 40/40/20 and got an inquisitive look when I brought it home (I just STFU).

• Finished NMMNG; my mind was blown. Started MMSLP.

• Sex this week was interesting. We had it every other day, she appeared to be into it, but she was dry each time and got kind of pissy that I took longer than she did to cum. During the last session before her period, she demanded to have a talk about “communication” before we fucked. She sensed a disturbance in the force! I said very little, but her main curiosity was to know “my plan for working out.” I just [broken record’ed] that “I want to get in shape. I don’t want to have a dad-bod.” I really didn’t get many other shit-tests; my wife was mostly indifferent towards me. We weren’t somewhere new with other women she had to impress with her control over me, and I was generally pretty busy just doing everything around the house that I wanted to be done.

• I stopped rushing home after work, band practice, and gigs. We generally don’t text that much, but I used to send her an “OMW” whenever I left some place so I stopped doing that.

• I started calmly enforcing boundaries and building my frame with my kids. TBH, this is still my toughest struggle, even nearly a year in. Now this, my wife did react to; “Why are you being so strict with them?” I DEER’d with “It’s my job to teach my sons appropriate social behavior”, but said no more about it.

My wife’s birthday was at the end of this month and I wasn’t quite confident enough to be a Skittles man this early in the game. I usually buy her some new electronical thing or something more masculine like a camping gadget. This year, I got her a nice cooking pot for the kitchen and no card. I took her to a restaurant where I wanted to eat and didn’t tell her where. I only texted and said “We’re leaving at 6, wear a dress.” She did, and her voice was quivering when we drove up to the valet at one of the swankier places in town. It was shark week so the covert expectation for sex after was easy to break.

Around week 4, my wife decided she ought to be working out too. She used to do a stroller fitness class that worked well, but had dropped that during her second pregnancy. She found her own BW routine and did it on my running nights for about two weeks then quit because she was sore (I never gave it much notice except “Awesome!” when she told me she was starting).

At the end of Month 1:

• Dread level 0, 1, and 2 were in effect. Some elements of level 3
• I weighed 192, lost an inch around my belly, gained 2” of bicep circumference (11-13”), and I felt healthy and invigorated. My posture and gait was greatly improved.
• I finished NMMNG, MMSLP, SGM, and started WISNIFG during lunch and Book of Pook on my phone.
• Had sex 8 times; lots of the old moves are back on the table.
• I started paying attention to my family’s finances (which are good and stable), but didn’t do anything to take control yet.
• Attitude wise, I was very distant and laser focused on getting my self and my shit in order. I broke my oneitis by comparing my attitude toward my career (definitively successful) with my attitude toward my married relationship (definitively unsuccessful) and adjusting my thoughts accordingly.
• Pussy, in general is still on a pedestal, but it’s down a notch because my mind is on finding holes in my boat.
• Socially, I still didn’t have any bros to hang out with other than my bandmates. I made a conscious effort to be relaxed and gregarious at gatherings with my wife’s friends and families. This felt like such a performance. With my manosphere knowledge, all I could see was the Beta-bux dynamic every couple we knew. I chuckled to myself and it was all I could do to maintain Law 38.
• My only hobbies were the band, planning trips, and working on our camping van.

Month 2:

I got my vasectomy. The two nights before, she was waiting in bed for me, naked; presumably because she thought it might be a week before I was recovered and she was ovulating (thanks Clue!). After the procedure, I never said peep about my nuts aching or needing to take it easy, I just spent more time reading to my boys. I was on the lookout for shit tests, but didn’t spot any. Two days later, I felt up to it, so I initiated and escalated kino on the couch, got her so teased up, we ended up fucking. [RED PILL LESSON] Don’t show weakness.

I continued to initiate about every other day and got rejected about 1/3 of the time. Some nights my wife was all about it, wet, and down for multiple positions. I’d finished SGM and I was slowly ramping up the Dominance, tracking the Variety, but still struggling with consistent immersion and failing with Emotion.

Sexual milestones this month were increased wearing of sexy underwear and compliance to my direction to touch herself during sex.

I started eating surplus calories, still hitting my macros, and I started taking Creatine.

Besides playing shows with my band, I started going out with my bandmates to see other bands, about every 2 weeks. I started going to the trap range every few weeks; sometimes by myself, sometimes with coworkers. It felt great to just do what I wanted. Just like NMMNG says about self-sacrifice, the family didn’t really even notice and just adjusted themselves to deal with my absence. [RED PILL LESSON] Have bros, do hobbies.

I kept the same haircut, but got it touched up every 4 weeks instead of 8 weeks.

At the end of month 2:

• Dread level 3
• 6’3, 198 lb, 14.5” biceps, belly is still there. Wife commented that my chest looks more developed, but the measurements don’t confirm that.
• Dressing sharper with the clothes I already have. Bought all new underwear.
• Finished Starting Strength, grinding away through Book of Pook and WISNIFG
• Had sex 9 times
• Hobbies are medium-strong
• My house, yard, and vehicles are in top shape.
• I’m debt-free and saving.
• Struggling to establish my frame with kids and parenting.
• Social life needs the most work.
• Game is clumsy.

Month 3

I started the month with a new haircut; “Mad Men” style side-part instead of the “Nick Lachey” that I’d worn since High School. Wife asked “Trying something new with your hair?” “Yep.”

• I’ve been wet shaving for a few years, but I changed up my aftershave for something new.

• BW routine isn’t wearing me out anymore. I need to find some iron to lift. The time when I can workout that fits with all my other commitments is at night, after kids’ bedtime (usually at 8). All the gym options near me close shortly after that so lifting at a gym just isn’t going to happen for me. That’s unfortunate because I was really looking forward to using that as another social opportunity. I started adding a backpack full of milk jugs to my BW routine, changed my jogs to The Hardest km, and started scouring Craigslist for lifting equipment.

• I had run out of things to fix on my house, yard, and cars, so I went looking for other projects.

• I wanted to start building a stash of liquid fuck-you / bug-out money that the wife doesn’t know about just in case I needed to quickly retain a lawyer or put a deposit on an alternate abode. I started clearing out my basement of surplus hobby gear and shit that I hadn’t touched since my last move, 2.5 years ago. I sold what I could on CL and donated the rest. I did the same with my garage. Then I went through my closet and donated everything but my favorite weeks’ worth of clothes (and specialty/seasonal items).

I REALLY like fireworks so I bought a SHITLOAD of them for July 4th. They’re actually illegal to set off in town, but everyone in my neighborhood does it anyway. My wife rolled her eyes but she watched the show anyway and I could tell she was enjoying my boyish excitement over the event. [RED PILL LESSON] Watch what they do, not what they say.

The sexual milestone this month happened the night I brought home all the fireworks (also her ovulation week…); while I was reading on the couch, she came out of the bedroom wearing a skirt, tanktop, (and no panties), then proceeded to suck then ride me like a stolen bike. This was a milestone because she rarely wears something so classically feminine and it’s even rarer that she “dresses up” for sex. I tried to be calm and dominant; she was receptive to some dirty talk, which she usually isn’t. She repeated this performance a couple days later.

I finally got my first major shit-test the next day. She scraped her car against my truck tire when parking and broke off a piece of her bumper. She came in all pouty and I just laughed about the whole situation. She flipped her pouty attitude to “You think this is so funny. You’re probably thinking ‘that bitch, it serves her right!’”. I just walked away chuckling. She was mad all night and I just did my own thing. The next day I went to the dealership, bought the broken part, popped it on there before coming into the house after work. I didn’t say anything about it but my son noticed it immediately when they went outside. That night, she jumped my bones in bed, I held her down and ate her pussy to cum, then caveman’d her for myself, pulling her hair.

• I started intentionally initiating right before I had out-of-the house events planned so I could leave when rejected. In hindsight, this may not have been effective conditioning, because I still left whether she fucked or not.

Right as I finished my 12th week of BW routine, I found the deal I wanted on lifting equipment. I set that shit up in my newly-spacious basement, installed the Stronglifts 5x5 app, and got to work. [RED PILL LESSON] LIFT.

End of Month 3:

• Dread level 3, easing into 4.
• 6’3, 200 lbs. Body is looking proportionally bigger, but no definition.
• Diet is clean, I’m gaining weight.
• Haircut is sharp, clothes are sufficient.
• Finances are stable and I’m squirlling my F-U money.
• Read Bang, Day Bang, kept grinding on WISNIFG and Pook
• Physical “ship” is in order, crew is catching up but still resisting. Both kids are super clingy to Mom any time but bedtime and there’s not much I can do but keep trying to be the fun dad they like to be around.
• Sex happened 10 times, 4 of which were exceptional and boundary-pushing for my wife. I was rejected 40% of the times I initiated.
• Social life is still weak. When I go to shows, I only engage with the folks I went there with. I need to branch out. After a gig, I caught some IOI’s from some girls but I hesitated to approach and they left.
• Game is nonexistent. I don’t really try anything new on my wife and she doesn’t respond to the things I already do.

Month 4

• Lifting was going great, it was difficult to resist adding weight too quickly in the first few weeks of SL5x5 but I stuck to the program.

• Game was the name of the uh, game this month. I intentionally increased my “handsyness” with the wife and initiated some stuff like water hose spraying or washcloth snapping fights with my older son that turned flirty when my wife joined. Both of these times, she skipped panties after bedtime.

• When planning my son’s birthday party, I took an active role and my wife deferred to me to make some choices. This is new. I confidently made my decisions and executed them.

We got my son a pedal bike for his birthday since he’s mastered the balance bike. Teaching my son to ride has been something I’ve looked forward to my whole adult life (maybe a covert contract…). On the first ride, I was guiding and instructing him and things weren’t going perfectly, but they were fine. My wife steps in and tries to override my instructions. I took her aside and said “I’m doing this. It’s my job as a dad to teach my son how to ride.” She got mad and responded “A mom can teach a kid how to ride too! My mom taught my brother.” I calmly said “That’s true, but I’m doing it right now.” [FOGGING AND BROKEN RECORD] She fired off “Well you’re too mean to him” then went to sulk with our younger son. I continued, un-phased.

• I tried to order a HJ during shark week, got denied, countered with “Oh, you’d rather blow me instead?” and got shut right down.

• Had sex 11 times this month; 2 of which were exceptional. Sexual milestones were a few new positions, fucking with company in the house, and cumming on her tits (something I’ve wanted but she’s never allowed). My goal is to try one new sexual milestone each month. I don’t ask or discuss each thing, I just go for it. Surprisingly (to me), she has offered no resistance to trying new things. Of course she doesn’t come up with her own new things to try, but that’s not her job- it’s mine.

• 40% of my initiations were rejected. Usually the morning after I get rejected, I get ready just a little quicker and go to work a little early. Sometimes I stay later. If I get rejected before lifting, I’ll do a few extra sets of curls or something, just to take longer.

• Our yearly road/camping trip was coming up and I executed all the prep like a Captain.

End of month 4:

• Solidly in Dread Level 4.
• 6’3, 204 lb, filling out my clothes pretty well.
• Read the Ironwood Collection of Alpha Moves, still struggling through WISNIFG and Pook
• Diet is still clean
• Hobbies are strong- played a lot of gigs with the band and crushed it at the trap range. Built lot of Lego projects with my sons.
• Parenting is getting stronger.
• Game with the wife is improving but still a little rough.
• Social life is still weak. I’ve tried to engage other parents watching my kid’s swimming lesson, but everyone just wants to flick their damn phone.

Month 5

• I started growing a beard.

• I’ve started opening all the mail and paying our bills. She still thinks she’s running things because she checks balances every few days (so do I, I just haven’t told her I’m doing it). I haven’t asked for permission to spend money or time on anything since I took the pill.

• I got a large bonus at work and didn’t tell her. It hit our account and she asked “Whoa, what’s going on with your paycheck?” I just shrugged and said “I got a bonus.” She asked if I was going to tell her about it and I said “meh, you’d find it eventually.”

• Took our road trip and halfway through, our van broke down on a remote highway. I had prepared for this event and executed the extraction plan like a Captain. I handled the repair and subsequent change of plans with a calm and steady head. My wife and kids still talk about this adventure.

• I started amping up the banter game with my wife. After building some wood project with my son, I turned to my wife and asked “Does anything else around her need to get nailed?” (Thanks Athol!) One night I invited her over text (from the kitchen) to “Come over. We can Netflix and Chill”. That one turned into a great sex session.

• I bought a magic wand vibrator and brought it out (without warning) during shark week. No resistance to trying it; she came hard and I busted all over her tits and stomach.

• Once when I got rejected, she asked for a massage instead. I said “Sure, after we have sex!” She “humphed” and I went to sleep.

• In general, my wife is a pretty low energy person (around me…). Thanks to a few MRP posts, I’ve started to recognize that I’m boring as fuck too and way too serious. She’s reflecting me.

• My older kid started school so I’ve been going to school events and looking for opportunities to engage other parents. Turns out, not a lot of dads go to these things and 99% of the moms are fat, sloppy, bossy, and bitchy; not useful for preselection.

End of Month 5:

• Dread level 4, easing into 5.
• 6’3, 207 lbs, gains are starting to show.
• Beard is thick and manly.
• Diet is clean. I’ve started tracking my sleep to make sure I get 8 hours. Started taking ZMA and it really does make me sleep hard.
• Game is getting tighter, but I need to bring more energy.
• Social life is unchanged and still weak.

Month 6:

We took a plane trip to see my extended family. If you read my post Road to Zion, you’ll remember that air travel with my wife and kids was the tipping point and the trough of my beta existence. This time, I instructed my wife to buy the tickets, which hotel to book, and which car to reserve. At the airport, I handled all of our paperwork (and held all four boarding passes), got the kids through security like a boss, and calmly read a book (The Art of War) while my kids went bonkers in the waiting area. On the plane, I was on-the-spot with snacks, toys, and iPad whenever I detected they were about to get bored with the current thing. Since I was expecting this and took it as my job, it was no big deal. [RED PILL LESSON] If you decide to be happy, you can be.

I have had enough of dealing with the questionable reliability of my camping van. I told my wife I was going to sell it, sell my current truck, then buy a bigger truck and a new kind of camper. She was a little apprehensive at first, but I was confident in my plan, and didn’t actually ask her anyway. I cleaned up the van and sold it with little fuss, exactly breaking even other than the money I’d burned on parts to constantly repair it. A couple days later, I got up after dinner and said “I’m going to look at a pickup truck.” I grabbed my keys and checkbook, pecked her cheek, and cheerfully walked out the door. I already knew exactly which truck I wanted, I’d worked some deals over the phone and had quotes from two other dealerships, and just had to make the deal in person at my local place. I handled the negotiation like a boss, paid the price I wanted, and made arrangements to take delivery the next day. I came home, sat down on the couch with my wife and started watching the show with her. She asked “How many trucks do you have now?” so I said “Two.” A few seconds later she asked “were you going to tell me?” I said “Yep, tomorrow when I bring it home.” She just smiled and rolled her eyes. That night she was waiting naked in bed with a candle lit and we fucked all kinds of ways.

We had sex 10 times this month, with a 60% rejection rate. I attributed the increase in rejection to the fact that I was trying out lines and moves I’d read about and was probably not delivering them with the confidence and flow needed to pull them off.

At a show I attended, I was approached and asked to slow-dance by an HB6. She swolested my triceps. After, I chatted with her and her HB8 friend. I wasn’t smooth, but I wasn’t awkward either. Just a light, relaxing conversation with a couple chicks who laughed at my jokes. I shared way too much free information and didn’t get a lot investment from either one of them though.

I’m getting kind of bored with the healthy meals we’ve been cooking; we have maybe 10 or 15 that we rotate each week then repeat. I signed us up for Hello Fresh and Blue Apron (they mail you 2-person quantities of 3 meals each week with prep and recipe instructions. The ingredients are fresh, whole food, and rarely repeat. It costs about $60 per week.) As soon as I did this, my wife started calorie counting.

End of Month 6

• Dread level 5 but without the clothes.
• Acting like the Captain.
• Crushing the weights. 6’3, 206lbs, my thighs and butt are swelling up and making my pants tight, but my waist is shrinking so my belts fit funny.
• Diet is in line. I’m cooking a lot more of our meals.
• Read the Art of War, started Mindful Attraction Plan, grinding on WISNIFG and Pook
• Sexual milestones this month were use of a sex toy and anal fingering.
• Learning about better Game and trying out some stuff on the wife and others
• Forcing myself to leave my group in social settings

Month 7

My dominance game is getting better. One night she walked out of the bathroom wearing a thong (which likely would be for sex later), but instead of letting her go put her couch-mode clothes on, I picked her up, put her on the couch, and went straight to sucking tits. I pulled her panties to the side and ate her out, then switched to 69. This went well; she sucked with more enthusiasm than ever and moaned when I came in her mouth (first time in ~4.5 years). I ate her out some more, then I moved her to the bedroom to use my vibrator for a couple more O’s.

Our wedding anniversary was at the beginning of this month. I got her a card that said “I’m glad I picked you” [POWERTALK] and a bag of Skittles. The one time per year when she ever considers wearing lingerie is on our anniversary, and when she does, we’re both super awkward about it. I consciously avoided this (or having sex at all) as a covert contract. This year, she came out in a new outfit that I’d never seen. She was awfully proud that she’d bought it herself but I made things awkward by focusing too much on her outfit and not enough on taking it off. [RED PILL LESSON] Women dress sexy for the man they want to impress. Acting like it’s a treat just shows her that I don’t think I deserve it.

She threw a big ‘ol shit test during shark week. She gets up whenever our boys wake up, which is usually around 6. I stay asleep until about 7 because that’s what it takes to get my 8 hours (also one of the Omega behaviors I need to cut out- the Captain should be the first one on deck). So my wife tells me that we’ll be alternating who gets up early. I STFU, intending to just not do it. The next morning, she kicks me awake at 6 and says “Your turn!” Thinking I was [Agreeing and Amplifying], I said “Awesome! So I’ll see you at 4 to work the last hour of my shift?” She huffed a little but I got up anyway. I set my boys up with breakfast then unloaded the dishwasher and a couple other kitchen chores. I’m not sure if I “passed”, but I didn’t really care. That night, she apologized for making me get up then initiated an enthusiastic HJ. A couple days later, I noticed her doing more chores…

One night I went to hear a band by myself (so I HAD to talk to strangers). I approached and chatted up an HB6 who was VERY receptive to conversation, but I ran out of stuff to say. Later, an older HB5 with nice fake tits approached me, wanting to dance, but we ended up just chatting. When I got home, my wife was sleeping. I was feeling energetic, so I started kinoing her legs and eventually got up to her pussy. She woke up and started moaning, so I ate her out and overtly thumbed her ass while she moaned louder. She thanked me for waking her up. [RED PILL LESSON] I am the prize.

• Interesting observation: I rarely wake my wife up for sex. Twice now since I’ve been paying attention, I’ve done it and noticed a significant increase in her level of immersion.

About a week later, I initiated again in the evening, didn’t get any response, so I lifted and went to bed. I woke up about 1AM with an erection and started kinoing her legs again, I fingered her pussy and ass, then ate her out to cum. I thought to myself “this is the night.” I kept eating while I lubed up my dick, then went for anal. I was too focused on the task, my erection became weak, and I couldn’t finish the job. She tried to finish me off with her hand but I was done for the night. I chalk this up as a milestone though because I went for it and she didn’t resist. [RED PILL LESSON] Take what you want.

Toward the end of the month, I had been on SL 5x5 for 16 weeks. I had deloaded OHP and squats once each, but wasn’t quite recovering from squats every day. I was getting bigger and stronger for sure, but my physique was very bottom-heavy. Strong is cool and all, but what I wanted for myself was to fucking fill out my shirts. I started researching other programs and decided to try out Wendler’s 5/3/1 Boring But Big.

End of Month: 7

• Dread Level 6
• Still crushing the weights, still making gains, knees are suffering- audit my squat form.
• 6’3, 211 lbs, 18% BF guess based on internet pictures.
• Diet is still strong, but I’m getting tired of eating 4k calories per day.
• Finished reading Mindful Attraction Plan, WISNIFG (finally!), and Wendler’s 5/3/1. Pook is on hold until I can get back to it.
• Hobbies are strong.
• Social life is getting stronger
• Game is getting tighter. Abundance is becoming evident.
• Sex 12 times this month, 3 times were exceptional. 50% rejection rate. Struggling with emotion and immersion.
• Parenting needs some work; I have some covert contracts about how I think my kids should act and respond to my corrections, especially in public and at restaurants.

Continued in comments