Holding Frame in Dread Level 12

As expected, nothing last forever. As I described in last week’s OYS; I had broken all my plates save one (Charlene). Last Saturday I had a stay over date planned with Charlene at her place. Charlene is single, an 8-blond (not age dependent . . . lol), not at all clingy, and just a lot of fun. Only one problem: she has a problem with alcohol. I had told her I was ending our relationship the week before because I was too busy with other priorities in my life; but she wanted to meet one last time to go to a concert and fuck all night (sure). My lie to wife was that I was staying at a friend’s house that happens to live near Charlene, for a poker party. Chat with Charlene in the days leading up to the date was normal with the exception of a few comfort test thrown in which was unusual for her (she was asking me to shoot the puppy in hind sight). I show up to Charlene’s place on time and no one answers the door, she doesn’t answer her phone; and I let myself in (door is unlocked). She is passed out on the couch at 4 in the afternoon with an empty of vodka bottle in the trash. I sit on the couch for a while pondering what to do when she wakes up with a small, but clearly discernible, attitude. At this point, I am not interested at all anymore in going out or fucking with a completely drunk bitch. I tell Charlene I’m not interested in staying, kiss her on the forehead, and bail.

 

Plan B was the story I gave my wife. My buddy knows all about Charlene already. I text my buddy and let him know what happened. In this text conversation, I also talk about fucking her a month before, send him a smokeshow nude of her, and engage in some random bitches-be-bitches banter. I had to chill for a few hours because he was on deer-stand; and he did not want me to approach his house until it got dark so I ate dinner, got some coffee and was parked at the end of his road waiting.

 

Now to the point of this shit. I bought the wife a new IPhone 8 for her birthday. It arrived and I set it up. Her old phone was ancient (4) and I had to setup hers from scratch. We had previously shared an ITunes account; and I was aware of the potential pitfalls of IMessage (i.e. all the messages are shared). I disabled that feature and tested it to make sure messages were not shared. Well sometime during the day she enabled that feature; and saw the entire text string between me and my friend as well as the phone call to Charlene. So she calls me while I’m parked at the end of the road.

Wife: the way my phone is setup I saw your entire text conversation with buddy

Me: OK

Wife: can you come home now, we need to talk

Me: Sure, I’ll be home in an hour

 

I text my buddy to let him know I’m going home (with no explanation); and drive home. I got an hour to think about so I decide to go with the truth on Charlene, leave out the other plates, and just go full main event and take this opportunity to lay out my vision for marriage.

 

She’s waiting for me when I get home; dressed and ready to go somewhere out of the house. We drive to a local park and park in the dark. Following is the paraphrased dialogue:

Me: where do you want to start?

Wife: what are your intentions with this woman and for us?

Me: you saw in the text string that I dumped her, and I want you and our marriage but as you know I have been unsatisfied with our marriage

Wife: how long has this been going on and what have you done?

Me: I met her in July, we chat almost daily, and I have been with her three times.

Wife: what do you mean by mean “been with her?”

Me: I’ve spent the night with her and had sex on three different occasions, twice in August and once in September (she already knew I didn’t fuck her Saturday from the text string)

Wife: starts crying and “I don’t blame you”

 

Worth noting here that she said this because I have told her several times in the last 9 months that her girlfriend game was not adequate; and that I would find someone that wanted to play the role. Apparently she did not take me seriously. Also she obviously did not know I have been cheating on her as I suspected.

 

Me: (after taking her into my arms and holding her for a while) it’s not about the sex; it’s about having someone in my life that values my time and attention on a daily basis. (Several examples of how she’d rather Netflix or read a book than do something with me for 30 minutes).

Wife: I don’t know if I can deal with all this. A lot of words about how she is under so much stress between daughter and her family.

Me: I met with divorce attorneys (and name them) in 2016; and planned on divorcing you this summer until the problems with daughter developed last fall. I want to go forward with our marriage; and then lay out my vision which is basically we spend more time together, that we value each other attention more; and that she follow my lead in life. I gave several recent examples when I thought she was operating in this frame. (I did not bring up anything related to sex because it’s already pretty damn good; and it’s my opinion that addressing these other issues will allow me to lead her more effectively in that area)

Wife: starts really sobbing and “the irony of life is too much because what you have been wanting these last several years is what I wanted before and after daughter was born; and you just wouldn’t give it to me. You hurt me so bad so many times; and I just built this shell around myself and between you”

 

This is true as I laid out in my original MRP post Weak Frame Is My Biggest Problem (warning long read). TLDR – Too much alpha, not enough beta comfort/leadership, leads wife to 2 year emotional possibly physical affair with co-worker. Went beta with an extra helping of resentment for several years afterwards. I think of this failure to hold frame and confront the issue at the time as my original sin in the marriage. I had not planned on bringing this up; but it flowed naturally from the discussion of irony.

 

Me: You’re right; there is a lot of irony in our marriage. I also find a lot of irony that in the same time period that you had an affair with coworker he was my age and Charlene is your age at the time.

Wife: It’s not the same thing, I never had sex with him.

Me: You lied to me when I brought it to your attention two years ago; and I don’t believe you now. It doesn’t matter either way, I did what I did because you behave as though you don’t want to be my wife a lot of time.

Wife: If that is how you view it than that is how it is. (She is referring to the affair here, and was an intriguing projection of solipsism . . . I feel it and therefore it is)

Me: If you want to move forward, you need to move past me hurting you back then and now. I then reiterated the vision going forward.

Her: I can’t blame you and I want to forgive you.

 

More of her crying and me holding her. We went home and went to bed. Neither of us slept very well. She wanted me to hold her most of the night. I initiated the next morning to a no and put up no fuss. She went to the same park the next morning to run and was gone for quite a while. I went to her location. She was sitting in the car staring at a flower and sad. I held her for quite a while. She went home and I went to yoga class. We had separate activities in the afternoon. She was quite cheerful in the evening and came downstairs to watch football and hangout all night.

 

We held each other most of Sunday night in bed. I initiated and got a no. Went to sleep. Monday after work I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. We did and it was nice. I initiated this morning and got a no. I told her “I am moving forward. I will not move backwards”; and went to work.

 

She just called me and want to take me out to dinner for my birthday (which she largely ignored last week) on the way to our son’s soccer game.

 

My frame has not changed. I am moving forward with the marriage I want or I am moving on, sooner than I originally planned.

[edit] - not planning on giving daily updates; but had good good "makeup" sex with wife last night. maybe i'm misusing the word; but just held frame like i have since Sunday which is to say just being me and doing the things i do with no change in my demeanor or roll. went to dinner, walked a little to Starbucks, went to soccer game (we lost 2-1; but my boy scored the 1 (his first varsity goal as a freshman, yay). it's funny because it was the type of night that i would consider writing a field report on a year ago in that i gamed my wife, i gamed other women, i got IOI from randoms, i passed shit test . . . and the expected results ensued.