I am not just a coaching graduate of a top school in the International Coaching Federation! I am not just an attorney or a PhD or published author!

I am a very fortunate man in possession of the Hamsturlator. This is a device originally devised by prominent manosphere blogger “Deti” and given to /u/bluepillprofessor in order to help him write the book. He has kindly loaned me the device for the time being, and indeed, the Hamsturlator is a sophisticated piece of equipment, possibly of alien origin, and likely made entirely of Vibranium. The Hamsturlator interprets the language of “Womaneeze” into comprehensible English.

One of the most common complaints we hear from men is that their wives are telling them some version of “I need to feel an emotional connection to you before we can have sex.” Therefore, I found it necessary and prudent to run this phrase through the Hamsturlator. Unfortunately it started beeping and smoking!! Luckily, I was able to unplug it before it exploded!

After the device cooled down I powered it back up and tried again. This time I just input the phrase “emotional connection” and the green lights started flashing. After several minutes, the humming and steaming hot machine spit out a 21 page 14,000 word answer which I will attempt to summarize in this post to identify what women mean when they say “I need an emotional connection.

Before I go there, however, I want to remind you of some ancient wisdom from Heartiste (where pretty lies perish) taken from The 16 Commandments of Poon which explains exactly what we are discussing:

IX. Connect with her emotions Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendezvous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

The bottom line according to Heartiste is that you connect with a woman’s emotions by experiencing them with her. You have to let your own (tightly held) emotions roam free. There is no destination, no logic, no answers. There is only the experience of leading her on a fun adventure!

Are you leading your wife on a fun adventure? Are you experiencing her emotions like a duck experiences water? That is, do you let her emotions wash over you like a cool relaxing shower as the oil (YOUR FRAME) causes the droplets to bead and roll off your feathers. Or do you let her emotions “flood” you and ruffle your feathers?

THIS “FLOODING” BY THE MAN IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ESTABLISHING AN “EMOTIONAL CONNECTION” THAT MAKES HER FEEL SAFE, LOVED, AND READY TO BE SEDUCED AND FAILING TO ESTASLISH AN “EMOTIONAL CONNECTION THAT MAKES HER TENSE, ANXIOUS, AND FEARFUL ABOUT YOUR LOVE AND COMMITMENT AND LESS LIKELY TO BE SEDUCED

If you are not familiar with “flooding” I briefly describe this in My Post on Marriage Therapist John Gottman:

Flooding occurs when your sympathetic nervous system activates while having a discussion with the wife. That is, you get nervous, increased heart rate, sweating etc etc. Flooding means that YOUR WIFE activates the fight or flight instinct in you. This is not good.

Another way to interpret this is that “Flooding” occurs when you mentally and psychologically lose your frame. Think about it! That is what MRP guys mean by "Holding Frame." We simply mean don't get flooded. Don't let a mere woman rattle your cage. Smile at her and acknowledge where appropriate, engage where appropriate, and walk away when appropriate. Just remember, as Vladimir teaches us: "It is usually best to avoid arguing with a woman."

MRP focuses mainly on overt behavior because that is something you can observe and learn to control. However, it turns out that internal mental processes are almost as easy to control as behavior! The entire field of Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy is predicated on the idea that both our thoughts and our behaviors are closely connected and that you can learn to control them. For suicidal thoughts the cognitive behavioral solution, stated in simple terms is to stop thinking about killing yourself. One way to do this is to substitute “good” thoughts for the “bad” thoughts. For example, a therapist might tell a suicidal patient to think about his love for his children whenever his thoughts turn to killing himself. One cannot (usually) think of love for your progeny and entertain the idea of hurting them by killing yourself at the same time.

The Cognitive-Behavioral solution to “Flooding” is very similar. When you, as a man, begin to feel “Flooded” or you feel that you are going to blow your top over the seemingly unending provocations from your wife the solution is to stop. How do you do that? Well the best way is to train yourself to stop. Practice Meditation. Learn how to breathe. Read the Stoics, in particular The Meditations by Marcus Aralius. Develop a strong, indefatigable frame that is loving, giving, kind, positive, affirming, happy and strong. Substitute “good” thoughts for the thoughts that are “flooding” you. For example, I recommend when you feel flooded to step back and realize exactly who it is that you are dealing with, and why. Take a moment to laugh internally with amusement. This provocateur who is aggravating you is just a woman. In MRP/TRP terms she is a child who needs a Daddy to correct and protect her.

If your 11 year-old daughter were Shit Testing you and pitching a hissy fit how would you react? If she were stomping her feet and crying how would you act? If she were calling you names and telling you she “hates” you then how would you react? Would you get butthurt and sulk? Would you get mad and try to hit her back with the same level of emotional pain? Would you “Stonewall” and storm out of the room so you can “punish her” for treating you badly?

OF COURSE YOU WOULDN’T DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS! You would probably take charge of the little girl. You would know that her words of anger are temporary. You would understand that she is a child and you are the adult. You would not tolerate abusive language from your children and you would calmly explain to your child how language like that is not used in this house.

Why does this work so well with your kids but not always with your wife? Because YOU ASSUME GOOD INTENTIONS when dealing with your children. How often do you assume “good intentions” when you and your wife are arguing? Probably the answer is never or almost never and that is a problem because guess what guys? That little girl is your wife.

Take a few minutes to try to understand how life must suck to be a woman. Every day she wakes up feeling different. Her emotions change day by day and minute by minute. She cannot describe how she feels because our language does not even contain the concepts. She wants conflicting things in a man. which sucks for us- but imagine how it would feel to be like that. You would probably also cry at random times for no apparent reason! She thinks she wants a man who will do things for her and take care of her and most of all help her check off the ever growing, unending items on her unending lists. Yet when she finds a man willing to work 24/7/365 to complete that incompletable list she realizes sooner rather than later that such a man is not worthy of her. Such a man who is willing to sublimate his own thoughts, emotions, and desires just for a chance for weekly Starfish Sex is obviously not a “worthy man.”

Then once she realizes that her man is no man at all her anxiety ramps up and her Hamster starts running full speed. How can this accommodating man protect me and the children? I am so alone in the world with nobody to protect me! I don't have an Emotional Connection to this man.

Guess what else happens? The list continues to grow no matter how many items you cross off. It’s not about the nail and it was never about the lists.

To paraphrase the great /u/Jacktenofhearts she doesn’t want you to help her check the items off her list. She wants there to not be a list at all for her to worry about. She doesn’t want you to do more Choreplay and housework. She doesn’t want you to do the dishes. She wants there to be no dirty dishes in the sink!

Similarly, she doesn’t want you to go out of your way to establish an “Emotional Connection.” She wants there to BE an emotional connection. She wants to FEEL an emotional connection with a man to whom she is sexually attracted.

So how do we as MRP Men achieve this nebulous, ever changing target? Actually, we have several options. These were largely taken from a Coaching session I had with one of my clients. He can chime in and take credit if he wants to be known but I can’t identify him: Thanks Broh! This is good stuff!

• 1. Avoid flooding: As described above when you get that uncontrolled, pulse pounding adrenaline rush at the moment you start to perceive your wife is criticizing you then you should mediate and seek first to understand, only then to be understood. Assume good intentions and don’t be touchy or butthurt. Learn to recognize the signs of flooding. Control yourself, your thoughts, your emotions, and your feelings. When you have control of yourself, you will have control over her. A healthy dosing of IDGAF often helps in establishing a mindset that avoids flooding. Cool off brah. She’s only a woman.

• 2. Speak using the language of women

A.  Use light and nonsexual [Kino](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=kino+and+seduction) during the day and initiate using progressively sexual Kino. Kino is the secret language of women that they use to convey this nebulous “emotional connection.”  When we say STFU we don’t mean stop communicating.  Dummy, you thought we communicate only through words?  Try again.  70% of communication is nonverbal and if you would just follow our advice and STFU you could probably start actually communicating with your wife.    B.  Spend 20-30 minutes **every day** actively listening to your wife.  Listen with full attention.  Listen with interest.  You married this woman so there must be something interesting about her life.  Her friends divorce drama can more entertaining than a UFC match!   I recommend that you cut this time short if your wife starts using this time to complain and moan about you or to criticize you.  That is a boundary that should not be crossed but beyond this, if you want an “emotional connection” 

I suggest you spend some time every day talking to your wife while at the same time you STFU. I know it is a contradiction but it is what they mean by “communicating.” Get it? YOU STFU and SHE talks and talks and whines and complains and emotes. See how that works? Remember, to a woman “talking” is not about exchanging information or reaching a solution. It is about listening with sympathy and interest and encouraging her to tell you more while showing empathy:

Example:

Her: “My boss did blah and blah and blah.” You: “Aww, that sucks dear.”

Hopefully you can see how easy this really is! They key is to genuinely be interested in her silly drama and to not offer solutions. Don’t be condescending, be interested. Offer interest and sympathy. It is not for long. If you are good you can get in your 20-30 minutes of active listening during dinner.

3.  Be the fun captain:  Start every day with a reset no matter what level of Dread you are on.  Throw a lifeline to your wife every morning.  It may take quite a few casts but eventually she will understand and begin to eagerly grasp onto it.  Be in charge but include her in decision making and if she has a good suggestion go with it.  Give her the respect due to her as your First Officer and wife.  A Captain must have deep and abiding respect for his First Officer and that is also what she means by “Emotional Connection.”  

Have a positive, affirming attitude. Women are empaths. They sense emotions from others and if yours are tumultuous and churning and you are angry or sad she can feel it and it starts to rub off on her and she starts to feel it. Conversely, when you are upbeat and confident and fun, she starts to feel that. You want to be FUN and a POSITIVE influence, not a downer and a negative influence.

• 4. Tell her “NO!” Many guys claim that the sexiest thing you can say to a woman is the word “no.” It is entirely counter-intuitive but has been reported so often we cannot ignore the results. If women are children like some guys in the manosphere claim then they are certainly smart children who know they need boundaries. When you say “no” with conviction, love, and calm confidence, it very often juices her up and creates a powerful emotional connection in her mind. Be careful using this power and use it wisely.

• 5. Be a master. Heartiste teaches us: “When you have mastery over yourself you will have mastery over her” but mastery does not mean perfection. Even Eddie Van Halen makes mistakes when he plays the guitar but he continues on with the near perfect song so the notes blend together seamlessly. I doubt even the most expert ear can pick up Eddie’s mistakes! In the same way you will make mistakes. You will misinterpret emotions, respond to Shit Tests with supplication (and fail) and respond to comfort tests with anger (and fail). None of that matters. A master sees the overall picture and continues on as if nothing has happened and to his audience, nothing bad has happened. It is all good. When you feel it and know it in your soul then she will also feel it and know it.

• 6. Be the leader: Lead her on an adventure. Lead her negative emotions to more positive emotions. Lead her to bed. Be the benevolent Captain. If she won’t follow, imagine that your giant ship has charted a course and it is traveling East. You are unraveling a 1,000 foot rope tied to your wife. If you travel in one direction for 1,000 feet, the rope will pull taught and she will be forced to follow behind you. Your job as Captain is to reel her in slowly so she doesn’t slip the rope and so that eventually she is at her place by your side and close to your heart. Of course most guys prefer her by the side of the Captains bed working on that slurping “emotional connection” that all men crave but one step at a time guys. If you are still working on the whole "emotional connection thing you are not ready for Sex God Method but don't worry. There is a time for everything under Heaven.

• 7. Don't be autistic and fuck it up by continually treating Comfort Tests as Shit Tests. This is one we see all the time. Guys, let me say again: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO AGREE AND AMPLIFY YOUR WAY OUT OF A COMFORT TEST.

Many guys (and girls) mistake Dread Game as a prescription to "cheat." By no means! Dread Game is a prescription to not cheat. When a wife has The Dread and starts whining how you don't care about me, or accusing you of flirting, THAT IS THE TIME TO TAKE HER IN YOUR ARMS AND REASSURE HER. During a comfort test you can usually be a smart ass and agree and amplify so long as you are holding her. If you are sniping and carping across the room you are not only failing the Shit Test, which lowers her attraction. You are failing the Comfort Test which can and will completely destroy the relationship.

The difference between a Shit Test and Comfort Test is simple. If she is carping and bitching and rude it is a shit test. If she is whining and complaining and rude and she is saying some version of "You make me feel bad" it is a comfort test. For a Shit Test you agree and amplify and make fun of her antics. For a Comfort test you take her in your arms and reassure her- then you agree and amplify and make fun of her antics.

If your wife is sexing you regularly there is usually no good reason for advanced Dread game (above level 6). If she throws a comfort test when you are regularly having sex it is usually easy to take her in your arms and whisper something supportive to her.

However, if your wife is in sexual denial mode this is when you use Dread Game. When she responds and complains about you "flirting" or not having an "emotional connection" she will often push you away violently and refuse to let you comfort her. The answer is to laugh, stay upbeat, and don't get butthurt. Then leave her alone if she wants to continue ragging and raging. You don't have to tolerate this behavior from a frigid shrew. You need to teach her that she will get one response from you when she is in sexual denial mode and she will not get what she wants. However, you have to leave the door open for showing her another response when the issue is no longer "Why do you always think about sex....I fucked you last month."

This is the big secret they don’t want you to know guys and it is the essence of the Red Pill. If you know it then you have taken the Red Pill. If you don't then you are still gagging or you spit it back up.

Women don’t know what they want and they change every day anyway so they require a strong man to lead their emotions. Sure, it is a royal pain in the ass for us guys but imagine how much of an endless source of angst and pain is must be for them! It does not need to be so for you.

You should not get mad at the tide any more than you should get mad at a woman’s emotional fluctuations. You simply take a few moments to understand the tide and perhaps even appreciate its majesty, beauty, and grace. When the tide is coming in strong you just calmly step out of the way and even when it is rushing far out across the beach you can know with absolute confidence that it will return.

Moreover, you don't run away to another beach because the tide came in and got your towels all wet! That would be pointless you see because that damn tide is just going to do the same thing at the other beach unless you change your behavior first. Sure you can argue that some lakeside beaches have gentle waves lapping on the shore and no discernible tide at all but you will find that even the most pristine beach is not fun all year round. Some freeze over all winter and some have entire seasons with biting gnats and mosquitos. Not all beaches are the same but trust us on this one, all of them have hazards designed to entrap and then test a man.

Knowing and appreciating the woman’s perspective makes you more likely to assume good intentions and avoid being “flooded” so you can respond to her like a calm, strong, masculine man. The key is to also be the man who can speak in her illogical, emotional language, hear her, understand her, appreciate her, and can steady her, and be an Oak Tree and a rock who stabilizes her emotions. This is what women mean by “establishing an emotional connection.” No Problem! We will get right on it.