Of Love and Need
64 upvotes | March 26, 2014 | by 1independentmale
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You know that “love” feeling? Of course you do. It’s that lump
in your stomach, the pitter-patter of your heart. The constantly
thinking of her, longing for her, waiting for her texts and so on. We
all know it; Every man has been through it more times than he cares to
count. Some of you are going through it at this very moment. We call
that feeling “love”, but really, it’s a simple biological
process
[http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/loves-evolver/201302/the-science-behind-falling-in-love].
Your body releases dopamine and much like any other drug, it alters
your moods, behaviors, perceptions, and so on.

I don’t call that feeling “love” anymore. I call it “need”
because in the past, it’s done nothing but make me behave like a
needy little beta. See, when we’re drowning in dopamine, head over
heels in love, we start to act like fools. We’ll ditch our friends
to spend just a moment with the target of our affection. We’ll do
things we wouldn’t normally do, against our better judgment. We’ll
put up with things we shouldn’t. We put the woman on a pedestal and
let her walk all over us. Anything to get the next fix. The result of
this supplicating behavior is the woman’s loss of respect for you.
You aren’t the solid rock of a man she needs, you’re a needy chump
who is taking value from her and letting her tell you who you are.

Your relationship then suffers. She loses interest in you. She no
longer wants to have sex. She’s detached and how does the needy,
lovesick fool boy respond? He panders to her further, trying
desperately to make her happy and reignite that need fire he thinks is
love. He hands over complete control and is under her spell. Whatever
her whimsical little desires, he is there to fulfill them. She
doesn’t actually value anything he does for her, she just wants to
see how high she can make the monkey jump and she loses more respect
for him every time he does. He becomes her puppet and she toys with
him, takes what she needs until she tires of this game or attracts the
attention of another man. Then she’s gone and you’re heartbroken.
Eventually your love feelings will fade and you’ll start to recover
from your addiction, however, you’ll soon meet another woman who
shows interest in you and that feeling will come back with a
vengeance. You’ll start this crazy "love" roller coaster all over
again.

It’s time to break the cycle. You must learn to control and temper
that fire so you aren’t engulfed in it. Taking control starts by
recognizing the feeling, acknowledging that it’s there, that it’s
simply a drug and that it’s striving to pull you in. Knowing what
you are dealing with is a huge first step in learning to control it.

Here’s the truth: Every man has a driving need to be validated,
accepted and loved unconditionally. To be told that, yes, I am a man,
I am important, I am valued, I am needed. Most of us look to women to
fulfill this need and to define us as men, but a woman can’t define
a man! The entire notion is ludicrous! She has no basis for
understanding what it is to be a man. She can’t tell you who you are
and she can't fulfill these needs. Nobody can. Nobody, that is, except
you. See, when you learn to love yourself just the way you are - to
know, without a doubt, that you are one amazing motherfucker - that's
when this "love hole" inside of you will be truly filled. When that
happens, you will have the ability to love and cherish a woman while
setting boundaries and being true to yourself. You won't need a woman
by your side in order to feel like a man and you’ll be able to
approach a relationship without that needy, supplicating love
bullshit. When you can be with a woman out of desire as opposed to
need, you'll be able to drop it like it's hot and walk the fuck away
when she starts toying with you and unleashing the emotional torment
they're all so very good at wielding.

How do you learn to love yourself? Well, that's for you to find out.
Google is your friend. There are countless self-help web sites, books,
forums, and so on, some good and some total shit. Use your powers of
observation to figure out which advice to take and which to reject.
Trust your instinct. Practice the advice presented here on how to
better yourself. Read IllimitableMan’s posts, this guy knows his
shit. Take a break from women and work on yourself. Eat right, lift,
get in shape, get a job, go to college, travel the world, take risks,
start a business, make money, find a hobby. Do what you love, love
what you do. This is a journey that will take you the rest of your
life, but it's your journey. It's your life. Go live it.

Just remember that love feeling. When it comes up, temper it with a
healthy dose of reality, remind yourself of just who you are and what
you're worth, and know that while a woman can make you feel great, she
can never love you like you can love you.

Good luck, brothers.

TL;DR: Love yourself first.
 
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Archived from https://theredarchive.com/post/13121