TRP, Depression, Self Hatred, Virgin
6 upvotes | October 25, 2015 | by empatheticapathetic
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PRETEXT First off I just want to note I usually tend to write a lot
more eloquently than this, but I just don't seem have the capacity to
pull it off right now. I'll try and keep it as short as possible.

HISTORY I'm a 26 year old virgin. Since January i've been trying to
make an active effort to get laid/find an LTR/anything because it
clearly wasn't happening by itself. After months on tinder i had zero
success, but i started to learn to talk to girls. I started no fap
(currently at 150 days) and that helped a lot with my desperation of
getting laid.

I eventually had my first date ever and I was quite a beta mess but
she didn't run off or anything (although she never used tinder again
after meeting me). None of my friends ever went to bars or anything so
i never got out much, not that I ever met people in bars really. The
only times I went out was when i was gigging with my band and pretty
much everyone knew each other in the scene, don't really meet many new
people.

I started lifting a bit, not strictly following any program and not
staying committed enough but it was helping and made me feel a bit
better about myself and I lost some weight. Eventually I was fairly
happy and stopped caring about getting laid, just enjoyed going out
when I did and talking to whoever.

In August I went on a tour around the country with my band and my
mates' band. Had a great time, wasn't looking for girls, not that
there were any. On the second last date I met a girl at the bar we
played (she didn't see the band) and I felt like we really hit it off
(she was there alone after being rejected from the bar her friends
went to). She was the same race as me, and we had a very similar
upbringing, similar interests. She thought I was this big rockstar and
a player. She was also a virgin and 20 years old. I felt no pressure.
I was naturally charismatic, funny, interesting, alpha [to her]. We
made out and it was the best make out i'd ever had, perhaps due to no
fap.

We chatted via text for a few days and then I said I was going to come
down and see her for the day. I was very confident in how I talked to
her and felt no pressure; i'd never felt like this before. I exhibited
a lot of TRP behaviours when texting her without realising. I came
down and we had an incredibly tame date where she showed me her town
and we just talked for hours. It was tame due to my inability to
escalate. We both had a good time and honestly it was the best time
i've ever spent with a girl, which is admittedly very sad. We had a
passionate kiss at the end of the date and I went home.

After that we continued to message and this is where things started to
fall apart. I started acting beta in the messages but i didn't overly
validate her or anything like that. We also messaged too much. She
expressed to me at one point she 'wouldn't mind' losing her virginity
to me and I reacted in a semi beta fashion. There was always an
ambiguity for her to whether I was seeing other people which she
indulged in for her own fantasy. Then she went out one night and
performed oral sex with some guy she just met and messaged me about
it.

I was very distraught and went radio silence for a day or so before
caving and messaging back. After that she started to tell me about:
usually making out with multiple guys in one night (whether it was a
lie or not i'm not sure), performing oral on that guy and hoping to
find a long term partner. I was pretty destroyed by all this but i
never lost frame and relentlessly criticised all of it to which she
eagerly responded; she was loving it. But a day after her trying to
turn me into her emotional tampon, i just messaged her and said "I'm
not enjoying this anymore. I had a good time meeting you, hope you
find what you're looking for" etc and ended it. Her response was a
semi apology filled out with some bullshit. Then she sent another
response saying "LJBF" and other clichés, perhaps her trying to
justify I wasn't interested in putting up with her shit? I don't know.
Out of our whole encounter I think I managed to validate her as a
sexual being, getting her ready for the CC, while I missed out on
moving on with my life.

TRP, DEPRESSION, SELF HATRED

A few days later i found TRP and my mind was blown. I've read TRP and
askTRP obsessively for two months now and I understand all my
mistakes, how the SMP works and learned as much as i can possibly
absorb so far. I work out regularly, try to eat as healthy as i can.
I've moved home during this time and I work for my parents again.
Where I live now, there is no sexual prospects for me. Due to my
upbringing here I barely feel like a human being; also due to race
relations. I have no self esteem, no friends, no prospects; no reason
to live. I work in retail and have been trying to apply TRP ideas to
people i deal with. Make conversation with them, try and connect, make
eye contact, hold frame with assholes and it seems to work, i gained
some confidence for a little while. But everyday i'm just in a deep
spell of depression. I have no long term career prospects, no
experience with the opposite sex and I just hate my life and i hate
myself. I walk around like a zombie feeling nothing while performing
my tasks.

I've read about TRP principles and ideology and the only situation i
can relate them to in my life is that girl i met. So i've literally
thought about her everyday for 2 months while reading TRP. I've come
to feel levels of depression and isolation i've never felt before. I
see and read about people on here saying "my plate disrespected me"
and the response is "next her!". I am so far away from relating to
anything like that, it just makes me feel so pathetic and inadequate
that i've just been unable to experience a part of life that everyone
else seems to be able to experience normally, and i'm now aware of it.
I had no idea girls were so slutty.

All of my previous interests no longer provide me any joy or mental
stimulation: music, tv, comedy, politics, news. I just feel hollow and
empty all day. I should be looking at long term career prospects and
studying but i've just become obsessed with learning more and more
about TRP world and become obsessed with losing my virginity again,
hoping it will solve all my confidence problems. But it's just a
constant loop because the more i read TRP and live here, the less
confident i feel at the same time, and i have no avenue to be able to
lose my virginity. I've started fantasising about suicide but i'm
aware at how ridiculous and stupid and self indulgent it would be for
such a seemingly non issue, but i can't break out of this bubble of
depression. Most of my friends have stopped talking to me because of
what a mess i've turned into. I just feel alone, lost and and
completely empty inside.

I don't even know what i'm asking for, I just needed to spill my
thoughts out and hopefully someone can give me some advice. Thanks in
advance for any responses.
 
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Archived from https://theredarchive.com/post/155611