When I Say No I Feel Guilty - Summary
25 upvotes | June 6, 2018 | by becoming_alpha
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Reposting from main sub on to askMRP per the mods. I have a serious
problem with defensiveness when my wife starts criticizing me. WISNIFG
was written for me and I just re-read it and outlined the material to
help internalize it. Fogging, Negative Assertion, and Negative Inquiry
are the exact tools I need and I'm finally using them how I should.
I'm sharing the TL;DR summary.

Edit: full 12 page outline with too many nested bullets for a reddit
post is here [http://docdro.id/Y8BDq27].

SUMMARY OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS – You have the right to:

1 – Be the ultimate judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions,
and take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon
yourself

2 – offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior

3 – judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other
people’s problems

4 – change your mind

5 – make mistakes – and be responsible for them

6 – say “I don’t know”

7 – be independent of the goodwill if others before coping with them

8 – be illogical in making decisions

9 – say “I don’t understand”

10 – say “I don’t care”

SUMMARY OF ASSERTIVE SKILLS

BROKEN RECORD (verbal persistence) – keep saying what you want over
and over again in a calm repetitive voice, without getting angry,
irritated, or loud

 	* “I want x” repeated as many times as needed

WORKABLE COMPROMISE – Whenever your self-respect is not in question,
offer a workable compromised to the other person. Do not compromise a
matter of self-worth

SELF-DISCLOSURE – Assertively disclosing information about yourself
– how you think and feel. Make sure body language is congruent, eye
contact.

 	* Can also be a neutral inquiry, just trying to understand

FOGGING – Agree with the truths in non-assertive criticism. Agree
with actual truths about you and your behavior and admit mistakes or
errors. For arbitrary right/wrong judgments tacked on to criticism,
agree with the odds or principle (there’s always a grain of truth).
Don’t respond to anything implied.

 	* Agree with actual truth: That’s true, that’s right… I could,
should x
 	* Agree with the odds/principal – for something that’s possible:
you could be right, maybe you’re right, that’s probably true, I
guess you’re right, you may be right, I understand why you think
that, I see why you think that

NEGATIVE ASSERTION – Assertively accept and own (via
self-disclosure) your errors and negative points. Share true feelings
we assume we should hide: dislikes, worry, ignorance, desires, and
fears

 	* I did do x, what a very
stupid/dumb/inefficient/wasteful/unproductive thing to do, I didn’t
handle that well, I messed that up, I goofed, that was a dumb thing I
did

NEGATIVE INQUIRY – prompting criticism – inquire into structure of
right/wrong structure in criticism, and ask for more information
wrong/bad about your behavior. The critical issue can then be out in
the open to find workable compromise

 	* I don’t understand, what is it about x that is bad/wrong/you
don’t like?
 	* What am I doing specifically that’s x?
 	* What else is wrong or what don’t you like about me doing x?

 
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Archived from https://theredarchive.com/post/204395