Banning pecks + trying to connect
10 upvotes | February 9, 2017 | by stew7000
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Just got done with some verbal intercourse with the wife. Took awhile
and by the end the conclusion I came to is that she's looking for
"connection." Things that were said by her (her feelz) ----

 	* I'm only here for sex. 
 	* It's my job to make meals and babysit the kids so you can do
whatever you want (lately this includes lifting, guys nights, other
activities outside the house -- my time outside the house has
skyrocketed since pre RP)
 	* We don't have anything in common. It's like we're business
partners and nothing more. 
 	* I better not cross you or you'll make me feel small, no matter who
is around (family, friends, kids) --- *context is that I've nuked a
few things that were highly disrespectful. 3 times in 2 months but she
remembers them vividly. 
 	* You don't care about me. You only care about what I give you. 
 	* Your view of women seems to have changed (it has - I was the
biggest white knight on the block for the last 5 of our 10 years
married. It was a cause I took up - pathetic and paying for it now)

The convo was painful but I did my best to listen and provide comfort.
Fogged, used A&A, but couldn't really break out of the seriousness of
the convo with any AM.

Near the end, I said about the only thing that seemed to "land" well
which was "it sounds like we need to connect - let's do a puzzle
tonight after the kids go to bed. I'll make milkshakes." I gave her a
specific time and treated it like I've been treating other commitments
I've been making lately to get out of the house more (guys nights,
extra commitments at work, etc).

I think she's seen me go through this dread process and hasn't seen
herself in any of my plans. So I made plans that included her and she
lit up and looked relieved and happy. We shared a long hug after that.
Comfort test passed (I think).

Fast forward 15 mins.

_Context: we're still on a sex moratorium. During this moratorium it's
been my intention to capitalize on the low pressure of other types of
intimacy (kissing, cuddling, etc w no expectation of sex). She knows
this, it's not covert._

So on my way out the door I go in to kiss her forehead and she pulls
back and gives me a dry peck on the lips. I tell her, as I've told her
before when she tries the pecks, "I save those for grandma" and
emphasize that no kissing is better than those kinds of kisses. I do
it in a playful way, not butt hurt. She reiterates her oft used
"nothing is good enough for you" and walks away.

Afterwards we text for a bit - I tease about that kind of kissing, she
says "I just won't even try anymore" to which I reply that I'd be
happier if she doesn't try since I can sense the forced/fake nature of
it. I kept the texts jovial and resolute -- sprinkled with an IDGAF/OI
attitude.

Fast forward a few hours. She texted that she's looking forward to our
date night tonight. I genuinely am as well but don't plan to text
back.

Not sure whether to call all of this a success, failure, or somewhere
in between. Happy that I am genuinely not feeling needy and am feeling
confident standing my ground and expressing my desires unabashedly.
And trying to be realistic about her not being attracted to me yet. I
don't blame her. I fucked up for 10 years and these past 2 months
can't even begin to unravel the shitty web I spun. I'm in this for the
long haul.
 
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Archived from https://theredarchive.com/post/206531