12 year marriage, flip - captain's log (week 1) 6 upvotes | May 16, 2016 | by wtf2016rp ------------------------- My original post is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4ig04z/12_years_married_wife_wants_divorce_now_flips/ So in the past week a few things have moved forward: * GYM - Joined the gym on Sunday, and havent missed a day doing the starting strength program w/app. Honestly, it has set the tone for so much. Dropped 4 lbs and the strength is moving up more quickly than I could have anticipated. She's noted a couple of times how impressed she is with me going every day, so there is a level of acknowledgement there. * MAP - Developed my initial MAP on Tuesday after reading the Mindful Attraction Plan. Having a plan that addresses the reds and some weaker areas has been a freeing experience. Finally, have the roadmap forward - regardless of what happens with the SO. * NMMNG - Halfway through the No More Mr Nice Guy - holy shit, this is me in many ways. I was hoping to finish this off by now, plan is to knock if off this week. * Work Life Balance - Working on my career/work related vampire, and have finally established work hours. Managed to stick to it all last week, and I'm excited about how this is freeing up my evenings with some balance. I'm having another heart to heart with my boss this Tuesday about restructuring my job to get a better balance. * In Home Counselor Fired - Got the in home counselor (my wife's new boss) out of my home, had the conversation with him regarding the dual relationship issue that he had created with my wife. He agreed that employing her and having her/my family as a client was not appropriate. This whole thing is strange as my wife did not want me telling him that we were putting the divorce on hold, she got very strange and inquisitive about what I was going to say - yet she didn't want to participate in the conversation. Let's just say the entire thing is still off, and I've stopped worrying about this at this point. To the guys last week that said negativity is not going to help - totally agreed, and now I'm focusing on the go forward plan for myself and my boys. * SO FLIP - The SO says that she is still unsure if she can continue to try to fix this or not. She flipped on Wed (when I told her that I was firing the in home counselor/her new boss) stating that she wanted the divorce again, and then later in the day decided that she would continue to try. I was able to maintain my frame the entire time letting her know that I was around and available to talk (didnt travel last week) about whatever she wanted. * DATE NIGHT / LEADING - Took her out on a date last night - first time since February. Managed to have a really pleasant, low pressure time together - we did a good job of catching up on a variety of things, tabling the current relationship challenges for much of the night. She did say last night that she was enjoying herself, and overall - I think we both did. The night ended abruptly however when we got home, as she did not want the end of night kiss. The alcohol kind of kicked in for her, and I backed off as it got a bit negatively charged from her side as a result of my advance/her going cold/then wanting to do an end of night selfie?!!? At that point, it was time to say good night before things escalated negatively. I had more to drink than I wanted (as is typical when we go out) although not nearly as much as her. Managed to hit the gym in the morning, and by the early afternoon my energy was surging again. * GO FORWARD w SO? - This evening she was back to saying that she's really not sure if she can do this. Again. We had discussed a decent couples retreat for a weekend in June while her parents watch the kids, and then a few days off for some fun somewhere. I asked if we were onboard for June or not, and she said she would look around for more couples retreats. I'll be doing the same. Any thoughts on this idea of a couples retreat or is this a total waste? I think we will try to get to this mini vaca / couples retreat before making any final decision. * PRIOR FEEDBACK - Prior thread feedback, some of the comments were spot on - such as me being an absent husband and father over the past few years while I plowed myself into work. In the past four months, I've been much more connected to my boys, and available to my SO as we worked the details of the divorce - up through the point when her father told us we were being premature/immature. Since that conversation, I've been digging hard on what I can do to improve - last week's post opened up some new resources and ways of thinking that I'm digesting as quickly as possible. I am doing my damndest at the moment to ramping my energy and executing my MAP while working on the resources that you have highlighted in the sidebar and in response to my prior thread. Bottom line - I still struggle with how best to engage with her while maintaining my frame without being completely knocked off of center. I haven't seen any loyalty tests, although I'm sure there are a few that have been thrown out there. Any pointers on what to look for there? Shit/fitness tests abound around here, and I'm doing just fine handling those. This has caused her to be incredibly frustrated with me, and she has expressed more than once that she doesn't know what 'has gotten into you.' I'm at the point now where I'm good with however this turns out. I am exceptionally concerned for my boys, and I've opened up to the fact that it may/likely is best for them to live with divorced parents as hard as it is to say. As I work my plan, I guess it will become obvious to me. For me, the goals are simple - cut the reds, keep jamming at the gym (and eating a ton), pound out the pages of resources (NMMNG this week) keep deepening my connection with the boys, and continue to be more of a leader around the house. Any blindspots you see? The couples retreat idea? Thoughts on how best to engage with the SO that continues to rattle back and forth? I've neglected myself, her, and my boys for so long - I just wonder how much runway is left... Thanks for the kick in the ass, in advance. Last week's comments were very helpful. ------------------------- Archived from https://theredarchive.com/post/207425