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BatGuano52 Archive

View 11 posts and 303 comments by BatGuano52 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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10

Trust your gut.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 04:40 PM
2

I'll let you know in a few months, but she seems like she knows her shit, and I was impressed enough with what she told me during the consult that I made the decision to hire her right then. I've done some consults with other attorneys and didn't get a warm fuzzy with them, but I did with this new one. I fired my male attorney after a year and a half, I started to suspect he was a bullshit artist and then confirmed it and fired him. That fucker cost me over $50k between fees, support, insurance …
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 03:49 PM
1

How good of a dad are you going to be if you're burned out because you never take a break? And what kind of example would you set for your son if you tried to do that? You also need to have your own life and go experience things for yourself, and to find things you'd like to go do with your son. So, find a park you think he might like, to spend a day there yourself, get some rest, and see if you think he'd like it. It could be a great place or it could turn out to be overcrowded, sketchy, whatev…
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 02:24 PM
2

Is your church going to bail you out and clear your name if your wife accuses you of physical abuse? Who do you think the cops will see as the aggressor if your wife calls them and says her husband just beat the crap out of her, or worse? You need to get an attorney, and either get a restraining order that gets her out of the house, or you need to leave. You can replace the stuff in the house, and if you're legally married, you have a right to at least some portion of the property by law. If you…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 10:40 PM
6

This is not going to sound nice or pleasant or comfortable, but, unfortunately, it's a conversation I've already had to have with my 11 year old son, and I know I will again, although it isn't this bad (yet). You are not responsible for other people's feelings, moods, choices, whatever. The only one that you're responsible for is you. You can tell your dad that you love him, that you're there for him, that you want him around for a long time. But, he has to choose to change and do those things y…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 10:28 PM
1

Sorry for the late reply. As far as entering a relationship, I'm not chasing one, and I've passed on a couple of potential opportunities because I'm already recognizing that they're not what I'm looking for. But, if I meet one who seems like she could be "her", I'm not going to pass on the opportunity.... But, it will be slow going initially. My ex girlfriend seemed like she was "her", and in a lot of ways she was, but she still had lot of baggage, either stuff from her past that she hasn't deal…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 10:06 PM
1

If it's high conflict, you have to be careful with that. Filing a motion could result in a tit-for-tat that eats up money and time if the court lets it. You have consider how your ex and her attorney could respond, and be prepared to respond to those possibilities...and you have to decide if the potential consequences of filing a particular motion are worth it. If your ex is using the court system to punish you, then it's like the story of Br'er rabbit, you'll end up fighting a tar baby.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 03:00 PM
1

I'm in the same boat, I also initiated, I'm now two years in, except I just confirmed a couple of weeks ago that my attorney has done nothing to progress the divorce in a year and a half (I fired him). He was telling me it was almost done, and then nothing, happened three times, third time was the last time. I'm out the $12k-$14k I paid him and back at square one. Fortunately I have a custody order and exclusive use of the house, so I don't have to worry about her disappearing with our son or co…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 02:54 PM
2

"Being in casual relationships until your kid is 18 is not a good example of how a man should act, and what healthy relationships look like. You have to understand that it's not one or the other. You don't have to choose between dating and growth, between yourself and love. The right person is going to reinforce the beliefs that you have and value you for them." My therapist told me about a friend of hers who got divorced, started dating again, and couldn't do the casual dating thing. She said h…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 03:10 AM
1

Walks around the yard pretty much every night.... Going through the process now, but just had a huge setback thanks to my prior attorney, essentially back at (well, never even got beyond) square one two years in. I at least have a custody order, so she can't run off with our son, and an exclusive use order for the house, so she can't come and harass me, pick fights in front on our son, etc. But, I don't see this as losing myself, I see this as my opportunity to find the real me again. I dated a …
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 02:53 AM
1

She sounds maybe borderline. This will not end, it will only continue and will eventually get worse. First, look up Wim Hof on YouTube, start doing it regularly. Second, look up the grey rock method, learn it, learn how to do it. The Wim Hof will help. Third, look up BPD and NPD in the search on reddit, specifically the ones for people in relationships with them. You will see your life being described to you by other people. Once you see the pattern and the manipulation, gaslighting, etc., you c…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 05:06 AM
2

Trust me, I'd like to, but I'm out 2 years and $53k and back at square one because my previous attorney is a fucking clown, so I'm extremely hesitant to throw another blank check at another attorny who may or may not perform. I'm in a rural area, so there aren't a lot of options for attorneys here.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 02:57 PM
3

Best of luck, thinking good thoughts for you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 02:49 PM
2

I was just going to post something similar.... My first attorney took my money, filed the divorce with stuff I didn't want in it after I specifically told him to remove it, then basically told me that me and my ex were expected to sort things out ourselves and told me good luck. This was after I told him about my ex and her suspected mental health issues. Second attorney wasted almost two years of my life. He's tell me "we're really close", then nothing. I finally figured out that every six mont…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 05:28 PM
2

My son's 11, and there a times he seems pretty grown up, and I'm proud of him when I see that. But, there are still times where he just wants to play hide and seek, or wants me to tickle him, or play a silly (I think) video game . And, I see that he's still a little kid, and still likes that little kid stuff. Thanks for posting this.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 05:05 PM
1

They are resilient, I was worried about my son in the beginning, too, but he's done really good in general. There have been some blips...it's always fun when I have to explain why Mom said shit she shouldn't be saying to her son, and I have to explain that some people are just assholes without calling his mom an asshole. And me having a girlfriend for the first time was causing him some stress. But, overall, he's doing well, I get to a side of him that I never got to see before I filed and my ex…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 02:56 AM
3

If you act like you have destroyed your kids childhood, then that's exactly what you'll do. The alternative: you have been given the opportunity to demonstrate to your kids that you can get stuck in a shit situation that you didn't create, get yourself through it, and pick yourself up and live a good life on the other side. Reassure your kids that you will always be there for them as your father, that you're not going anywhere. They see mom leaving you and then wonder if you and mom could end up…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 05:21 PM
1

Please define a quality woman.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 10:48 PM
2

Queen. I gave the ex the CA King we had.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 11:24 PM
1

Sing!
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 04:06 AM
2

So, if she's got huge tracts of land?
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:50 AM
2

I'm 51, going through my divorce still (ex is dragging it out, almost 2 years now). 6 months ago, I would have told you that I was done with getting married, I wouldn't say never, but it wasn't something I was planning. I did want to meet a good woman to spend my life with. I then met my now ex-girlfriend, and the good parts about her changed my mind. The good parts were great and she was checking all the boxes, unfortunately she also checked a couple of boxes in the "Cannot have" column. I'm de…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:46 AM
1

Everybody's broken to some extent, especially, after you've been married and through a divorce. You need to decide what and how much broken you can deal with. Almost two weeks ago, I broke up with my first girlfriend since the separation. She's beautiful, and when she's calm and relaxed, she's as close to perfect as I could ever realistically ask for. But I now see that she's fearful avoidant, meaning she avoids conflict when she's not triggered, and when she's triggered, she get passive-aggress…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:38 AM
5

Definitely! First, like a lot of the other guys are saying, it is what you make of it. Still working on the divorce, my ex is dragging it out, but it's been over a year and a half. The divorce isn't what I wanted, but she was abusive, among other things. I am happier, everyone who knows me sees it and had commented on it. My son is happier, same thing, everybody notices it. He's not happy about the split, but the behavioral and other problems got much better. I met a beautiful, wonderful woman a…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 06:35 PM
2

Going to amplify on #3: If you have the tools, skills, and money, get rid of your marital bed. I got rid of it, looked up bed frame designs, designed and built my own bed frame based on other designs I looked up, got a new mattress and sheets and blankets. It made a huge difference and doing the work for myself felt great. Make your room your own. "You aren't doing this to "show her" or "win the breakup." You are doing this to find the man you were before the stress buried you. Focus on the proc…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 11:47 PM
2

Many thanks. Yeah, it's coming up on 3 months with my girlfriend and she's been checking all the boxes for me since day one and I've been doing the same for her, everything just feels right. We've both been in abusive relationships, so we're both being deliberate and slow just to make sure and giving ourselves time to get adjusted to being in what is so far looking to to be a healthy and "normal" relationship. Sad as it is, being treated decent takes getting used to after not being treated that …
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 04:41 AM
1

When you see an attractive woman at the store, one you wouldn't necessarily date (too young, too old, too tall, whatever), walk up to her and tell her you'd like to introduce yourself and that you're divorced and working on your social skills. Make sure you're in a public place where other people are around, be polite, and you'll be fine. Don't hit on her or ask her out, just have a quick conversation with her, then be on your way. I did that a couple of times and it helps you get over the anxie…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 05:09 PM
2

How long were you with her before you knew you wanted to marry her, how'd you know, and how long have you been together/married? And congratulations.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 05:00 PM
4

I'm a year and a half out from separation, I started looking to date casually four months after separation with no intent to get in serious relationship. As some other guys have mentioned, I needed to just get my social skills back. I live in an isolated area with a small city nearby and wasn't really looking to date locally, but it also made getting dates on the apps difficult because most women want to date local to them. I went on two dates with women I met on apps, matched with a bunch of ot…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 04:39 PM
1

Well, that's just good planning advice in general in a divorce 😁
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 01:41 AM
1

Copy, thanks
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 09:32 PM
2

Merry Christmas!!! A year and a half out now, I initiated it and I am so much better for it and so is my son. It's not what I wanted, I was forced to make a decision I never wanted to make, it hurt like hell for a long time, and there were a lot of difficult days, but I got through it all. It comes in waves and each wave is smaller and doesn't last as long, so it can get better. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it, don't let your ego and pride force you into darker and darker places.…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 09:30 PM
1

Merry Christmas guys, and, definitely thankful for this community.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 09:19 PM
7

Go out to a brewery, bar, whatever your choice is, and just strike up conversations with women, with no intention of dating, getting laid, or anything else. That will get you used to approaching and introducing yourself, you'll get comfortable talking to women again. Think of it like a simulator, every time you do it is practice.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/25 05:49 PM
2

The court order says you can't discuss the court case. There is no court order that does or ever will prevent a father from telling his son (children) that he loves them more than anything and that he wants to spend all the time with them that he can, but that sometimes he can't. He wishes he could be, but sometimes it's not his choice. He can tell them that even if he's not there, they are still his world and mean everything to him and that he thinks about them everyday, even the days when they…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/25 05:46 PM
1

In California at least, at that age, the judge can talk to the kid(s) and use that to help decide custody issues. At 14, the kids can chose a parent.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/25 03:44 AM
17

I'm going to throw one more on that you are not weak or anything else, you stayed and sacrificed for your kids. The final sacrifice for them will be showing them that you can sacrifice your happiness, your peace to help them, but that you can also move past that when the time is right. Now, you've done your part, now you get to live for you. You're 55, you've got time to heal and find something that will make you happy, whether that includes another wife/girlfriend or not. You've got 2 months to…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/25 03:06 AM
1

2 and #3 The simple fact of her "losing" her job doesn't automatically qualify her for more child support. You are free to give her more child support if you want to help her out, but, as mentioned above, short of an order from a judge or a legal agreement between you two and approved by a judge, you don't owe any more. And, you're walking into dangerous territory by willingly playing along in getting your child support increased just because she's temporarily unemployed. You'll most likely find…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 02:32 PM
8

Happy Turkey Day!!!! Was going to be my first one alone in almost 30 years, but I ran into a friend from work last night and he invited over to have dinner with him, his girlfriend, and some other people. Sending good thoughts to you guys who will be alone today.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 02:26 PM
5

This. I'm not saying don't go find a lady at all, but, I thought early on I was going to go see my oats and "get it all out". That quickly faded and I'm glad I didn't do that. Think long and hard (pun wasn't intended, but now that I said it...) about the kind of guy you are and what you want in life. If you're a family and relationship oriented guy, I think you wouldn't be happy with yourself in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 02:22 PM
1

Haven't had the opportunity to try it yet. I did take one at home one night just see if I would have any weird reaction to it and nothing happened.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/25 04:46 AM
6

What are you fighting about? Is it actual important, potentially relationship-altering subjects or are you fighting over "who's turn it was to do the dishes last night" kind of shit? And do the two of you stick to arguing about the actual subject or does it turn into personal attacks? Do the fights get resolved, i.e., do the two of you come to a consensus about whatever you were fighting about, even if it was just "I had a shitty day and blew up"? If the fighting is a significant part of why the…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 01:48 AM
5

I'm right there with you, but lucky to have an 11 year old, so he doesn't require as much constant supervision, and he's a great kid and it's awesome to watch him grow. I've been on trips with my son, just the two of us, and with my parents, and there have been multiple times that I and my parents have commented about how nice it was to go on a trip, have things changed and have no fighting, pissy attitude, drama, etc. to deal with. And, yeah, the house is already decluttered a good bit, and whe…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 04:38 AM
2

Sorry you had to go through this, but congratulations, good riddance, and double congrats for getting the opportunity to end it in style
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 01:08 AM
5

Personality disorders do the same kind of thing. Fun stuff to learn about by experiencing it. (/s).
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 01:03 AM
3

There's trauma bonding and people like her use your loyalty and integrity against you. It is deliberate. I got out of something similar last year and, yeah, it's hard. First, search NPD loved ones and BPD loved ones and read. You will find that you're far from alone and you will wonder if your wife has a bunch of twin sisters you didn't know about. At the same time, learn about the grey rock and yellow rock methods, become good at using them. Get yourself back into therapy. You said your wife is…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 06:47 AM
2

I just turned 51, I served my stbxw two months before my 50th birthday. I didn't have my first kid until 39, my living son was born when I was 40. You have plenty of time to meet a new girl, get married, and have a family, if that's what you want. This is the start of your new life - it's yours to make or fuck up - don't fuck it up. You're lucky that you don't have kids, because you can lose her and you never have to deal with her again. You've got yourself and you've got the guys here for the m…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 06:18 AM
2

Do you have a 401(k) and if yes, are you willing to part with the cash to buy her out? If the answer is yes, you can do a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) and pay her from your 401(k). If she moves it straight into her 401(k) or equivalent account, it's a qualified distribution, so no taxes, penalties, etc. But, she can elect to withdraw it as cash, she doesn't have to pay the %10 penalty (see the IRS exceptions for distributions) but she'll have to declare it as income. I'm offering my…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/25 03:27 AM
7

Seriously, nobody has mentioned this yet? 👋
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/25 03:16 AM
1

You're absolutely welcome, I'm glad you found something that worked. I stumbled across it watching an Andrew Huberman podcast, then learned about the ice baths. I do want to try those. But, again, glad it's helping, and you'll get there, it gets better. I filed and served my ex-wife, but, I was having anxiety attacks and, as I mentioned, PTSD, from being around her and being abused by her. I'm 15 months out from separation and I'm a different man. It takes some time, but, as part of your mindful…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 11:50 PM
1

It does, but getting dizzy and feeling the tingles is normal, hyperventilating is part of how it works. The first time I tried it, I was in a PTSD episode that had already been going for weeks, and it kicked me out of it. And, the nice thing is, it's not something you need to do every time you have an anxiety attack, you do it regularly on you own and it builds up the stress tolerance. Good luck to you.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 02:35 PM
1

Wim Hof breathing, look it up on YouTube
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 11:39 PM
1

This doesn't mean screw yourself in the process, but if you get dragged into a trial, if you are reasonable and willing to negotiate, it's going to look better on you, especially if she's being stubborn and disagreeable to everything. The judge wants the divorce done and out of their hair. One party being difficult screws that up.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 11:32 PM
1

"I am actually going on terminal leave at the end of next month. I am also at a command where I cannot be deployed from, so that is not a concern of mine either." You should be able to re-up if you want, but obviously your call. That's good that your inlaws can cover for the family support plan, but, be very careful... that's still their daughter and things can get ugly fast when blood's involved and talk about taking kids starts. And, if your wife is mentally ill (diagnosed by a doc or fits the…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 03:37 AM
2

Hey, check your DMs. I talked to a Navy Senior Chief (currently active duty) he said the following: 1) Talk to your CMC and chain and tell them the situation. 2) Talk to the JAG ASAP, before your wife does, tell the situation 3) Get your kids enrolled in the Exceptional Family Member Program, if they aren't already. 4) Get a Family Support Plan in place immediately (in case you get deployed). 5) Go to Fleet and Family Support and talk to a Family Counselor, specifically. 6) Find out about gettin…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 01:33 AM
1

My first advice is, find out if you can reenlist, or at least extend your enlistment for a couple of years... I'd suggest reenlisting if you can do it. Talk to your chain, tell them your wife is basically abandoning you and the kids, and request shore duty based on a hardship until you can get this resolved. Reason is, you're in, you're established, it keeps a roof over your kids' heads and health insurance for them, and that buys you time to deal with the divorce and then figure out what you're…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/25 08:43 PM
2

Well, never a better time to start. Not only does making it feel good, from that point on, you made that. Get at it man! Lots of videos on YouTube for ideas on what to build and how. I ended up going with a floating platform bed, pine 2x4s and Redwood, simper build and took me a couple of days.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/25 05:56 PM
3

Do you have tools and woodworking skills (or the time, money, and desire)? My stbx moved out, I built my own bed frame and got a new mattress, sheets, everything. It's mine now. It may not seem like that much, but psychologically, it's huge. If you can't build one, go out and buy one. Consider it an investment in your mental and emotional health. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/25 05:48 PM
1

"but staying for years is possible" Yes, I definitely agree with you here, and many do for many reasons, you're probably well aware now of how it usually takes 7 tried to leave, trauma bonding, lack of income, etc. that keeps them in the relationship. In the context of this situation, though, once they've made the realization that they're with a dangerous person, and made the decision to leave, they don't wait around to do it. "My last 3 years of marrige I was a wreck, frequent ER visits for pan…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 06:07 PM
2

Yeah, looking at it in the context of her dysfunction, after the fact, everything stood right out, and things that didn't make any sense suddenly did and once you see it, you can't unsee it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 04:25 PM
2

Yeah, I know for a fact that my ADD kept me with my ex. Her dysfunction, and the mood swings was like crack to my ADD, and that was one thing that kept me in much longer than I should have. For me, it was PTSD, and the hyper vigilance that came with it, that helped me see the patterns of behavior, the inconsistencies, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 09:25 AM
18

So, I'll give two answers to this, one that will probably get flaming spears and stones thrown at me, but hear me out.... I speak from experience with my stbxw, on the one hand, the advice given is sound. If that lady was in fact dealing with a true narcissist (or BPD, ASPD, psychopath, etc.), that is what anybody leaving that kind of relationship needs to do. You have to have your shit lined up and ready to execute before you do anything, because the truly disordered people are anti-tank mines,…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 01:59 AM
7

Turn off your TV, ignore your phone, and just get used to doing nothing except enjoying your time alone, in peace. Find a place to sit down, maybe outside, or on porch, or just in your living room and if you need to, put on one of those 10 hour videos of a stream in the mountains or a sailboat, no music, no talking. You'll eventually find you like it and wanting more of it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 01:48 AM
4

I have refound the old me, and I am integrating him with the new, more experienced me. As a young lad, I had wanted to go into a combat arms specialty in the military. ADD, and my inability to stay focused on one thing while simultaneously over analyzing things, resulted in that not happening. I realized in more recent years that had I gone that route, the complete fuck off I wa, with my ADD in it's full-on, raging, impulsive glory, combined with an overconfident young lad who thought he was one…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 01:33 AM
2

This
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 01:25 AM
1

Your post made plenty of sense. You know, at your age and with the kid on the way, if you two really love each other, just tired, I would strongly recommend that you find a mentor - a priest, pastor, coworker, whoever, who will be there for you to help you keep your shit together. Not somebody you trust who, when they tell you you're fucking up, you will listen to and straighten your shit out. Give your wife a time period - be there for the birth and then ask her to give you one year to prove yo…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 04:29 AM
1

It's a crap shoot for you. She could catch on to what you're doing, act perfectly normal to get through the process, get a clean bill of health, then rub it in your face in court. As frustrating as it is, do not antagonize her, play along where possible, and document, document, document. Her behavior will speak for itself and the judge(s) will draw their own conclusions. In the meantime, keep your kids safe, have a plan for if your ex starts to implode and then just wait. It sucks, but, unless y…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 02:41 AM
2

At a minimum, I'd suggest wait a bit, so your kids have time to adjust. And, you can involve them in the process, so they get to help find a place they also like. I'm in the process of trying keep my house right now, partly because I want my son to be able to grow up in and graduate from his childhood home and partly because I designed and help build the place, so it's home to me. Once my son's out, though, I'm selling, moving, and starting my new life. I can wait 7 more years, for my son, but b…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 02:33 AM
5

Glad to help. I forgot to mention that I'm going through this shit right now. My ex wants to ride the gravy train for the rest of her life. If necessary, your support is not based on what she does make, it's based on what she's capable of making. So, if she's trying to claim she can only make $50k per year but you know she's capable of making $100k per year (previous employment, education, etc.), you can request imputed income for her. If she doesn't cooperate, you can request a vocational evalu…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 02:24 AM
11

I'm in California, you were married over 10 years, so you're considered a long term marriage, which means that the court retains jurisdiction over support permanently. That does not mean that you have to pay support permanently. The standard, long or short, is support for half the length of the marriage. Your wife can agree to no alimony or she can agree to get alimony for a certain period of time. If she refuses to agree and the judge has to set it, my divorce coach told me no judge will ever s…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 08:57 PM
5

First, congratulations. Second, can you clone her?
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 05:37 AM
1

I can put in a prayer for you, and you're definitely not alone. $14k in, and currently no end in sight. I'm telling my lawyer to file for a bifurcated divorce (ends the legal marriage and leaves the division of assets to be completed separately, check into whether it's an option for you). Then, I'm giving my ex 90 days after I get the bifurcation (I'm thinking positive here) to make meaningful progress on the division of assets, and then I'm going to force it to trial. Trial won't be cheap, but …
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/25 05:39 PM
3

I have my son week on/week off, and I travel regularly for work. I try to stick to weeks where he isn't with me, otherwise, my ex has right of first refusal to have him stay with her. Of course, she doesn't like to play nice and let me have makeup time, but the divorce is still in progress, so it will get brought up with the judge. The judge presiding in our case takes a dim view of parents who use their kids to get back at the other parent. In your case, I would push for the 50/50 with her havi…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 12:10 AM
1

"Summary Judgement" Yeah, that's the process I was trying to remember earlier, thanks. Yes, I'll press to a summary judgement if I need to but, as you know, that's the nuclear option, since the judge is deciding everything. Good luck with yours.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 02:38 PM
2

That's where mine is at right now. She had agreed that she would take one car and I would keep the other two, it was written into an agreement along with the exclusive use and custody orders, but she removed it right before the agreement was signed. She won't talk about anything that moves the divorce along, she just complains that I divorced her, I should have kept my marital vows (while not mentioning the abuse that she admitted to), claiming she's basically dependent on me for income, and gen…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 03:16 AM
2

I appreciate it
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 11:52 PM
1

You're correct on the attorney. Talking to the ex is not an option, she'd either use it to attack me or see it as an opportunity to try to manipulate me. I've considered calling her parents, but I don't know if they'd even talk to me. I suspect her parents have pretty much left her hanging in the breeze and are telling to her do whatever her attorney says, just based on knowing how they are.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 07:58 PM
2

You, too
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 06:30 PM
1

The bifurcated divorce is for two purposes, so that I'm not legally married anymore and do get the point across to my ex that it's over. The problem is that (and I can't believe I'm saying this) not my ex, it's her attorney. I fully expect my ex to do all the stuff she is. She has no idea what she's doing, she makes no effort to understand, she can't make decisions, and everything she says and does is emotionally driven, there is no logic or reason to it. Her attorney is obviously not advising h…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 06:29 PM
2

My ex is already out of the house and I have an exclusive use order (had to request a TRO to get her to leave after she agreed and then kept coming back). I got a custody order at the same time I got the exclusive use order, so that's at least done. She's still convinced that I got a wild hair up my ass, having a midlife crisis, whatever, and that I'm going to change my mind and ask her to come back. I think she's even telling our son that it's not really over and her living somewhere else is ju…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 06:08 PM
2

Your VA benefits are not community property, so whatever you have in the bank already is yours. However, you have to include your monthly payment as income for support calculations.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 12:41 AM
2

I'm glad I could help. Guys in this and other subs helped me out immensely and I figure the least I can do is post my experience here to help the next guy, like you. And, yeah, it's overwhelming now but it will subside. You just have to get yourself through it for now and don't go back. "I know you’re right, though the best analogy I can come up with so far, is that of an addiction to drugs." It's called a trauma bond, look it up. Her calling you a pussy was part of the process of forming that b…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 05:25 AM
2

I'm out of a 27 year relationship, 23 year marriage to an emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abusive woman. You're not alone, and, like the other guys here have said, I understand. Reddit has helped me immensely in dealing with it and processing it, use it along with your therapy. I saw where you called yourself a pussy. Knock that shit off. You tried to be a good, faithful, and loyal husband to a woman who abused you. The important thing you need to remember is that you didn't just roll…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 01:36 AM
1

So, it was arranged. I've never had to deal with that, but I imagine it's not a great situation. But, you seemed to have drawn the long straw on this one - she's good to you, she's (presumably) faithful, she's a good mother. It may not be the situation you wanted then or want now, but for all the shitty situations a guy can get himself into or find himself stuck with, you lucked out. You need to find a comfortable arrangement that you can both live with. Don't treat her like shit (I'm not implyi…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 01:24 AM
3

First, I feel for you, and I'm sorry to hear you're stuck in this shit situation. Second, as far as being a father first, you're doing everything right, to include not involving them in all the details. They don't need to now, at least not now, and with as many people as you say know, they're going to find out at some point anyways. As far you being stupid, blind, whatever, no, you weren't. You completely trusted the woman that you pledged your life to, she knew that, and she used that against y…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/25 03:44 PM
3

"i did not feel attracted to my partner nor loved her. our marriage was sort of arranged not from love. " It was either arranged or it wasn't, which is it? The way you phrase it sounds like you had an option to say no, but you didn't. Now you have a wife - who you admit is a good wife - and two kids wrapped up in the consequences of your poor decision making. The onus is on you to do everything you can - like a couple of other posters said - to make it work. Even if that means you and your wife …
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/25 03:07 PM
1

You tell them that you and your wife are getting divorced. You tell them that it has nothing at all to do with them, and that you and your wife love them very much and always will. You remind them that they will always have a mom and a dad, just because you and your wife don't live together anymore doesn't mean one is going away. Beyond that, you don't say a word about anything related to the actual divorce - court dates, mediation, agreements, finances, etc. Not a word. The judge in the court I…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/25 02:44 PM
1

"For my arrangement, anytime my kids are not sleeping at home, we have to notify each other where they are" I would strongly advise OP against an arrangement like that, just because of how his ex seems to be. Every time he notifies her that he's taking the kid(s) somewhere would be an opportunity for her to stir up trouble. I'm surprised that your arrangement is even like that, it's intrusive on your life and time with your kid(s).
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/25 02:32 PM
2

Well, first off, if there is no custody order but you two have an agreed to custody schedule (and assuming that the presumption in your state is 50/50 custody unless explicitly stated otherwise), then you can do whatever the hell you want with your kids while they're with you. Unless she can show that you put the kids in a situation that posed physical or psychological harm, she has no no business interfering with your time with the kids (and the same applies to you). Being that there is no cust…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/25 02:40 AM
1

You said the mortgage is about 300 and the value is about 500, that means she gets 100 (assuming it's 50/50). If he has that in his 401(k), he could use that, but if you have the cash, I wouldn't think there's anything stopping you from providing it. The other option is just getting a home equity loan for the 100k and using that to buy her out, then you could help your son pay that off. There is also a way to get her off the title that doesn't require a refinance. As far as her willingness, depe…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/25 12:12 PM
1

Excellent 👌
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/25 07:46 AM
2

If she continues to try to come over, see if you can get an exclusive use order for the house, that legally gives you some control of the house until the divorce is complete. Then, if she shows up and refuses to leave, you call the cops and tell them she's trespassing and they come and remove her.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/25 02:41 AM
1

I know I'm a little late here, and may be repeating what somebody else said, but in response to: "hoping she might be willing to work out a mutual agreement" That answer would require a person who is able and willing to be rational. So, how often has she demonstrated any ability and/or willingness to be rational so far? And, if she hasn't, what makes you think she's going to start?
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/25 02:38 AM
3

"She thinks we can just cram 20 activities and a road trip into a single day, to “make more memories”. " The really great part of that is when they make those plans but forget to account for minor things like the 20 mile drive between locations, traffic, and other people and the possibility they might want to do something, too. I don't think that we had a single trip that didn't start out in a huge fight because I proposed a change in plans, she threw a shit fit about it and it turned into a nas…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 05:00 PM
6

It is nice, my ex is like yours. She''d say "We planned x, y, and z" and I'd ask "Who's we? You have a pet rat in your pocket? Because I wasn't involved in any of it." She literally threw a temper tantrum at Disneyland (not the kicking and screaming, thankfully, but pouting, angry, and snapping at me) because our son (whose birthday we were there for) really wanted to go see something but it wasn't part of her plan. One of the many things that I didn't need then and won't ever tolerate again.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 02:42 PM
5

I had my first date in 27 years back in February, I was to the point that my mouth was dry and I was almost shaking I was so nervous/excited. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 02:31 PM
2

You have to remind yourself that most people never deal with people like your ex in the personal level that you had to. Most believe would never believe that an adult would really act that way towards people they supposedly love, spouse and children. I mean, how many times during the divorce did you ask yourself if you were the crazy one and wonder if anybody would really believe the shit she was doing? You were living with it and witnessed it and I'm going to guess you still hard time believing…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 01:48 AM
5

I completely reorganized how I budget so that I'm averaging out my salary (I get paid biweekly, so it makes monthly bills goofy) and I'm tracking a lot of individual expenses that, before, I just covered out of a pot of money. That all included dividing mortgage and car payments into biweekly payments that go to a savings acct and then get paid monthly from the savings acct. Hopefully it helps.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 11:31 PM
1

Congratulations!
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 11:23 PM
2

They need that award on Reddit ....
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 11:22 PM
2

She's trying to keep both of you around, you're going to be another "friend" if you stay. File and get it going.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 06:16 AM
1

Your daughter is an adult. If she loves the guy and wants to start a family with him, that is her decision. Based I what you've said, she isn't fucking up and making major bad choices (getting pregnant before getting married may not be a good choice, but it's not in any way worthy of disowning her). Your duty as a father at this point is to continue to support your daughter, as you've presumably been doing for the last 21 years. And, you're setting or reinforcing a good example for your future s…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 05:16 AM
1

23 and 27 here.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 05:01 AM
1

Right on. And something for all of you guys to remember: If you're thinking about getting revenge, then she's controlling you. If you don't want her controlling you, then quit worrying about how to get back at her and move in with your life. The thought will creep in occasionally, probably for the rest of your life, acknowledge it, then ignore it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 05:01 AM
2

"And if she is trying to change it means she’s finally listening to me." This isn't going to last. She's being manipulative and doing what you're asking in order to try to save the marriage. If you relent and call it off, things will stay good for a while, but then will gradually drift back to where they were, with one key exception: She will resent you for trying to divorce her. That panic disorder you had and still have when you're with her should tell you everything you need to know - your bo…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 04:54 AM
1

Do the vocational eval. Your spousal and child support payments will be based on what that comes up with. If she had the job before, she's going to have to disclose it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/25 07:03 PM
7

I'm going to echo and amplify on what Eric_C said.... First, there's very obviously something wrong with her. That switch you described is somebody who is not fully in charge of themselves. She could be bipolar, schizophrenic, have some kind of personality disorder, or some wonderful cocktail of those. This is just a taste of what a long term marriage to her would be like. Like Eric said, she did you a huge favor and you dodged a major bullet. Second, quit worrying about meeting her or one-uppin…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/25 06:44 PM
2

Personally, I don't go to events when I know my stbxw is going to be at. I can't physically be near my stbxw, saying we're not amicable is an understatement. I'm not going to hide from my son, if he found out I did, it would destroy his trust in me and I'm not going to risk that and if he saw me, he'd want me to sit with him and his mom. So, I just don't go. It sucks, but, unfortunately, it's the way it has to be.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 05:37 AM
2

Congratulations!
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 01:30 PM
1

Find yourself a good paralegal who's worked with the court you're in. They cost a fraction of the price of an attorney, they can help you fill out and file the paperwork, including knowing how the judges like to see things worded, and they know the judges and other attorneys and so can give you some gouge on how they are. Also, make sure that you understand if and what you can pay for and how. In California, pro SE can't use community property to pay for legal fees and they can't request legal f…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 01:25 PM
3

I started using GPT in the last week and that thing is pretty badass. Designed my first tattoo, it built a profile of my stbxw that I can use to keep track of her mental state (comparing messages to a baseline), see what games she's trying to play with the divorce and how to respond. It's also giving me things to keep an eye on with my son to see how his mom's moods are effecting him. It even made a dating field manual for me. I spent a long time in the military, still work with the military, an…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/25 07:17 PM
2

If I start to fall for a woman the same way I fell for my stbxw, that's going to be my signal to run. The next one needs to be a friend as well as a girlfriend/lover. I'm not planning to ever get married again, but we all know how that works, so I won't say never. But my relationship with my stbxw was chaotic, there were definitely good points, especially in the first three months and when we had our sons. But the rest? Fucking rollercoaster constantly going off the tracks and me constantly tryi…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/25 07:00 PM
1

You're establishing a pattern of behavior. That is the key. Be direct, accurate - don't dramatize or be emotional about it - think like you're a cop and you're writing a crime scene report. The only difference is that you're writing a series of reports that a judge, psychologist, etc., can use to identify the pattern(s). Just DO NOT lie, fabricate, exaggerate, whatever, because if you do, the judge will find it and your word will be shit from there on out.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/25 02:35 AM
1

"She is his model of an adult woman,...and a future partner." This, especially. Be there for your son and be ready to take care of him full time. You've obviously got your mom nearby and she's already involved, so lean on her. Just don't drag your mom into the shit with your ex. You divorced his mom, and obviously for a good reason. She's an adult, you owe her nothing at this point. If your son asks, you tell him that adults have to make decisions and prioritize your time, money and attention an…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/25 02:31 AM
4

"Am I supposed to just divorce and become a part time dad? " The simple answer is yes, you're supposed to just divorce and become a part time dad. Even if she agreed to stay little longer, do you think her feelings are really going to magically change? You'd be staying with someone who is going to resent you, if she doesn't already now. You don't deserve that and don't need it. It sucks, it's going to feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. But, you have kids who need a father an…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 12:32 PM
1

Congratulations!
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 12:21 PM
1

I would say that your best bet would be to request an order to sell the home. Tell the judge that you have no intent to return to the house (assuming you don't) and that by her refusing to sell the home, it's creating a financial hardship for you. My guess is the judge will probably ask her if she wants to buy you out and refinance the house (giving her the option to keep it while relieving you of the burden) and if she says no, then he'll order it sold. If I were you, I'd get an appraisal and i…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 02:23 PM
1

Edit to add: the grounds for the exclusive use were her repeatedly coming to the house, including on days when I was supposed to have custody of my son and she should have been at her new place, and while she was there, she would try to pick fights with me in front of him and include him in them. I finally ended up changing the locks and filing a restraining order requesting the exclusive use and a custody order (I didn't request reductions or limitations on her custody). Well, the exclusive use…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 03:38 AM
3

At minimum, do a consult with a lawyer or two. But first, find a good, experienced paralegal who is familiar with the court that you'll be working on. They worth their weight in gold and can either do or help you do all or some of the paperwork for a fraction of the cost of an attorney. However, as others have alluded to, have an attorney and the retainer fee ready to go so if your stbxw gets ugly, you can pull the trigger on the attorney. In theory, if she sticks to her end of it, the two of yo…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 11:20 PM
2

I gave my stbxw almost 6 months to get her stuff out. She made one trip, she planned it and told me just before she wanted to come over. I have an exclusive use order for the house, so she can't just show up whenever she wants. I cancelled plans I had because she had invited a mutual friend to help and because I didn't want to be the asshole. I told her (by text) that I cancelled plans to accomodate her and told her to give me at least 24 hours notice in the future. After that, she tried a coupl…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 11:15 PM
1

"When the pain overtakes the love for your children then we’re talking quick or short death" Focus on your boys, go through this and be there for them. You are setting an example for them - at the very least, you are showing them that you can be dealt a shit hand in life but get through it and carry on. If you give up, that is what you will teach your boys to do. So don't give up, if only for them.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 09:02 PM
5

You need to get help. In the mean time, there has to be something in life that brings you joy - one of your kids, a pet, a car, something. If you think you can talk to your wife, do so, but if you can't, for whatever reason, so be it. Whether you do or not, you need to get professional help. If you don't know where to start, find a pastor, a priest, even if you aren't religious, any one of them will listen and get you pointed in the right direction. Worst case, go to urgent care or the emergency…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 08:58 PM
1

I had my stbxw served last June, I had my son with me at the time, took him to his therapist and told him there. Nothing about how or why, only that we were getting a divorce. He has friends whose parents divorced, so he knew what that meant. I was very worried about how he was going to handle everything, but a week after I had her served, I took my son with me to seey family and he was like a completely different kid (in a good way). After that, for the first few months, he wasn't showing anyth…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 08:44 PM
1

You don't tell the kids who made the decision. That would be putting the kids in the middle of the divorce, which is not cool in general and there's a high likelihood you'll get an ass chewing from the the judge involved. All the kids need to know is that mom and dad won't be living together anymore, the kids did nothing to cause it, mom and dad will ALWAYS love all of the kids and the kids will ALWAYS have a home.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 08:25 PM
1

Glad to help, I was in your place last year. My son was 9 when I had his mom served and he's very attached to his her. I was worried about how he was going to handle things, but he's doing much better and sooner than I thought. My parents (they don't live local, so they don't see him all the time), his principal and his teacher have all remarked in the last couple of months about how much of an improvement there has been with him. And, I forgot to mention, if she's not already in therapy, get he…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 09:43 PM
1

No worries
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 07:10 PM
2

I'm in the same boat as you job wise, make sure your security people and supervision know what's going on, including the possibility she may lie and/or make false accusations. I saw you filed, good. Your stbxw sounds like mine, she had a low paying job, so big pay difference,.and she didn't want the divorce. I think if I told her today (10 months after having her served) that I changed my mind, she'd be moved back in tomorrow and pretend like nothing happened or, at worst, a rough patch. I offer…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 05:59 PM
1

You're doing your best in regards to explaining the relationship with your stbx. You're stuck there, not much else you can tell your daughter and it really sucks, but you have to do it. What you need to add is tell her (your daughter) that what's happening is not her fault and that she will always have a mom and dad, even if you're not living together. More importantly, remind her (regularly) that she will always have a place to live with you and a place to call her own when she's with you, no m…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 05:20 PM
6

I'm on Hinge, tried others, I'd like to meet a woman, but the longer I go without meeting one, the more part of me doesn't want to deal with anybody. I'm enjoying my peace and I want to keep it that way.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 06:23 AM
3

I used to work a mid shift and commuted 5+ hours a day back and forth. That was around your age and it shot my libido to hell. Combination of the driving and just physical and mental fatigue. Try melatonin if you aren't already. Start low, get the children's stuff (1mg) and increase if needed. Another thing that works for me is Sudafed and Aleve together. I sleep great, unfortunately it's not something you want to do continuously, so I just use it once in a while when I really need to get some r…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 04:13 AM
7

Like the other guys said, this is not your fault. She's an adult, she made a decision, shee needs to own it. You need to leave, you will never trust her again and it will eat away at you. You can't be a good father for your children when you're dealing with that. Other than making the decision to leave her, DO NOT act on it now, do not make major decisions, don't say shit to her that might indicate what you're thinking one way or the other. Take some time to settle down, spend time with yourself…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 03:07 PM
3

Watch cooking shows, learn how to cook - well. Look on YouTube, you can find answers for any of the basic home skills you might be missing. If you're predisposed to drinking problems, get the booze out of your house. Find something social to do once in a while, something that forces you to get out of the house. Learn to enjoy the quiet. Read books. If you need to, go to therapy. I highly recommend it. Just take some time to adjust. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 12:12 AM
2

"I'm friends with her mom. Long story. " Keeping it in the family????🤣🤣🤣
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 12:05 AM
1

Phase 1: Got rid of the plates and bowls we had been using and bought some Japanese stuff I had seen before and really liked. Took our marital bed (cal king) out of the master bedroom. I built a new floating bed (queen size - torched pine frame and stained redwood head and foot boards) and moved it in. Going to a queen freed up a lot of room. Put a brand new latex mattress on. Got all new sheets. Tossed all of the comforters and replaced with wool blankets. I love my new bed, never been more com…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/25 11:56 PM
1

This.....
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/25 11:37 PM
2

She is, at a minimum, emotionally immature, it could be more complicated than that. If you really love her a lot, try going to anger counseling for a bit (not saying you need it, but she asked you, so you take the opportunity to both improve yourself and meet her request). And, explain the situation to your therapist.... Then, once you're going, you tell her it's time for her to go. If, at that point, she balks and still won't go, you need to make a decision. If she does go, then you have to wai…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/25 11:27 PM
2

I got the bed in the master bedroom out and built my own bed frame, got a new mattress, new sheets and blankets, everything. Then I moved the bed and her dressers and stuff into another room while waiting for her to come get them. Out of sight, out of mind. HUGE improvement mentally and emotionally. I recommend starting there and working your way out, starting with the areas you use the most (bathroom, kitchen, etc.).
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 05:53 PM
2

I got you, I'd still recommend just doing the divorce and getting out. And, again, just the important stuff. One option is waiting until she's with her family or something, then having her served while she's there and changing the locks on the house so she can't get back in. After you do that, you can tell her you're only letting her back in with a third party there to get what she needs and then leave. My stbxw originally agreed to leave, then her attorney (who she lied to me about having, I ha…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 05:11 PM
3

Skip the separation, what's the point? File for divorce, have her served and you're legally separated. Get your shit in order, file for the divorce, make sure only a few, highly trusted people know. Have everything you need to live (personal papers, momentos, anything else you care about or need) with you. Then, get some place safe when you have her served. If you have no reason to go back, don't ever go back. If you do, make sure you have a trusted third party with you. Then go as slow or as fa…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 07:38 AM
5

In the house, she could tell that something was wrong and pushed until I finally just told her I was done. It was another month before I had her served and in that time, I got to see behavior that confirmed a lot of things and just reinforced the decision to divorce her.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 03:22 AM
3

"How do you leave after so many years?" I got tired of being treated like shit, promised that it would change but never did, being treated like an object. After we had our son, she started treating him the same way and that really accelerated it. I stayed as long as I did because of him, otherwise I would have been out years earlier. The final straw was being told, after asking why she treated me the way she said, "I had reasons". It was one of many, many straws. One of them was when she walked …
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 08:03 PM
7

Sex life varied between meh and awesome depending on her mood. Bad mood, starfish sex or no sex at all. Good mood, fun sex. Great mood (manic), porn star sex. I'm 99.99% sure she's BPD with a healthy dose of nasty narcissistic traits. I was with her for 27 years, married for 23. I had blinders on for the first 12 years, then started to suspect stuff. Don't beat yourself up for not seeing it. People with these kinds of problems are professionals at deceiving you - and everybody else around them -…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 05:03 PM
3

This times one million
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 04:48 PM
3

I use it but I don't pay for it. I figure I'll pay for it if she starts getting obnoxious and it looks like I'll have to pull records. I put it in the custody order, I saw the reviews and complaints about it but I wanted something that I could use if needed. And, it provides some separation. It's a good way to keep her from blowing up my phone and shes always very polite on it. Worst case, I figure I can do screen shots of talking parents and text messages she sends as a contrast of the differen…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 12:22 AM
1

1) "Until my ex and I can go to counseling together—actually sit down and work through our past issues or whatever has caused the tension between us—it’s going to be tough." You said your ex abused you. She's still doing it, using your son. Drop this idea of counselling, the only thing that will happen is that she will switch counselors until she can find one she can turn against you and then the two of them will abuse you, together. And, she is using your son as a tool to abuse you. Do you real…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 05:18 AM
1

"I take "pre-emptively" before expecting sexual activity. So don't take it at the start of the date, but rather if it looks like it is heading that way, take in the bathroom before you leave the restaurant etc. " This is good advice... Nothing ended happening last night, which wasn't a surprise (but the date went very well and she wants to see me again). We went to an arcade - full of kids - in a mall, she wanted to play pool. Good thing I didn't take it at the start of the date, she was flirty …
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 05:50 PM
1

A couple guys had mentioned side effects, I decided to try the Sildenafil first so if I did have a headache or something, it'd wear off quicker. I tried getting prescriptions of both but the doc said the pharmacy wouldn't fill either one if he sent that in. I do still want to try the Tadalafil
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 05:32 AM
2

"That said, if this is what you DO want, you will need TRT. " Yeah, no, not what I'm looking for. "worst of all, on the stationary bike at the gym." That's funny right there...
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 04:31 PM
1

Good to know, thanks, the doc said about 4 hours.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 03:14 AM
3

Like in a hotel lobby the next morning 😁 It's all good
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 01:09 AM
1

Yeah, I've got a place picked out where we can walk around for a bit, that's a good idea, although it may be pigeons or sparrows. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 06:14 AM
7

Do you still love family members that have died? It's the same with her, you can still love her, but you have to accept that she's not coming back and you have to grieve the loss of her. It's going to be harder because you will see her regularly. I would suggest counseling.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 02:22 PM
2

Her turning out to be batshit crazy would be bad enough. Batshit crazy and drunk (partially or fully)? No thanks. Coffee is the screening, I'm doing that first, before alcohol gets involved. It's not foolproof but it gives me some time to assess her.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 04:11 AM
2

"And I don't think there is anything wrong with meeting more women." I'm not looking to jump into a relationship any time soon (yeah, I know, famous last words, sometimes life has other plans), so I'm expecting to eventually date other women, whether that's now or in the future. I'm sure as shit not going to tie myself to one after one date. But, gotta get to date #1 first, then I'll worry about the rest of it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 03:56 AM
1

I live in a remote area with a very shallow dating pool (and small town drama that would go with it). I choosing to avoid that as a general rule. The nearest major population centers are an hour and a half+ away, so I'm driving at least that far no matter what. But I have three of those to choose from and just beyond those, one of the largest metro areas in the country, so I have plenty of options. Which includes not dating at all.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 12:03 AM
1

"you want to operate as though YOU have options" That's the nice thing about being happy with where I'm at in life, dating is optional, therefore she is, too. Yeah, I'm not thrilled about the coffee shop, but I figure it will give me a low cost, easy to end initial contact. We can unass that place in a hurry if it's a shitty atmosphere and things are looking good. If that goes well, dinner and then a hike around the park. I live about 2 hours away from where I'll be meeting her, but I go there r…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 07:16 PM
2

"but do prepare yourself for ghosting after just one date. " Based on what I've experienced and read about so far, I'll consider it a win if she actually manages to show up. Anything after that is gravy.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 07:12 PM
2

"Dont overthink it." Yeah, I think that's all I'm doing. I am definitely having fun, though. Thanks
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 03:33 PM
5

Your son is most likely perfectly happy being with you. He also loves his mom. He probably still doesn't entirely comprehend the whole thing about custody. It's not going to occur to him that he can't just go to mom's house whenever he wants to. It's his mom, he wants to see her for a bit, so he should be able to go to her house. What's the big deal? (From his perspective). My point is, is doesn't have anything to do with him not wanting to see you. He's a kid, he's in the moment. As far as your…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 05:04 AM
1

Similar situation here, except mine didn't want the divorce and is dragging it out. In my experience, she can't go more than about a month without needing to be with a guy and we've been separated for seven months, so.... I've had indications that she's been with other guys, but she has an image to maintain (she can't be a victim if she's moved on) so she hides it, like she hides everything (sorry, did I say that out loud?). In the event that she ever does openly start dating, I'll welcome it be…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/25 03:59 PM
6

My stbxw threw that at me all the time. The night I told her I was divorcing her, she called a friend who is a pastor to come over and try to talk me out of it. She threw that out again when he was there and his immediate response was "That doesn't work, the correct phrase is Happy Spouse, Happy House, it goes both ways". That was something she couldn't comprehend on her own or hearing from me but it seemed to make a dent coming from him. For about 30 seconds. I'll never forget that phrase, it's…
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/25 04:32 AM
2

I'm going to say it depends on the judge. If she requests an extension, the judge may grant it just to keep the peace. My understanding is that as long as it's a temp order, it's not a major issue. If she requests a permanent order, then you really need to fight that because that can affect you down the road (jobs, etc.). Ideally, if she requests to extend it, the judge would pull her into court and make her demonstrate that you are still a threat and you will have the opportunity to rebut her r…
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/25 12:31 AM
2

Congratulations 🎉
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 11:54 PM
1

You know what, stay home, take care of your kids and take care of yourself. Focus on that and only that. At some point, yes, you will need to take a break, but see if you can get family or a babysitter to watch the kids while you go out for some alone time - alone being the key word there. Most importantly, ignore her. If she tells you about her plans, "That's nice" or "Thanks for the heads up" is all you need to say. If she tells you about a new boy toy, "I'm happy for you" and leave it at that…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 11:50 PM
8

I guess that would make feminists narcissists then, too.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 05:46 PM
1

I spent 10 years with a wife who I suspected was not well before I finally ended it. I say that because that is where my following comments come from. Based on what you put above, the problems didn't start until she got theupus diagnosis (but I could obviously be wrong). If she was not and the behavior is only since the diagnosis, then you need to consider the fact that she has been handed a death sentence and, with the removal of a piece of her lung, the process has started. Now, on top of that…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 05:31 PM
1

Suggestions: 1) Set up a joint account for your daughter. 2) Since it sounds like your daughter has some regular jobs, talk to those people and (with your daughter's agreement) ask those people if they can pay your daughter biweekly or monthly.... Don't mention why unless they ask and if they do, don't put your ex in a bad light. 3) Make sure that they pay your daughter when she's with you. If your daughter agrees to it, your ex is going to have no legal grounds to dispute it (because your daugh…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 04:59 AM
1

Your attorney should be able to show the math errors and request a new commissioner. If you have an attorney and they're not doing that or suggesting you do that, you need to find a new attorney. If you're representing yourself, do your math, check it again and check it again and then have somebody else check it for you. Then request a new commissioner and have the math there to back you up. You may need to have a third party who knows this stuff also run the numbers and present them as evidence…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 04:39 AM
2

My son was 9, he's 10 now. I was able to get my stbxw to agree to get him into therapy before I filed and I'm glad we did. He's been a trooper, but has kept a lot of things in. The divorce bothers him a lot and that occasionally leaks out, but he's also happier not having to deal with the fights and tension in the house. I was worried about him at first, but I took him with me to see my family a couple of weeks after I served my stbxw and he was like a different kid there, in a very good way. He…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 06:49 PM
3

"all those younger innocent days still bring a smile to me. No matter what life threw at all of us here, I hope you all too smile to some memories when you were standing alone and dreamt of a happy life and love" Thank you, this is a perfect summation of what I've been doing a lot of that these last few months. Some of it's been good, remembering who I was. Some of its been bitter, thinking about what I missed out on. But, I'm in the process of digging up the old me, finding the best parts of th…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 06:32 PM
4

Same here, Happy New Year and thank you to all of you who have provided great advice and support. It sucks that we had to meet this way, but I'm glad that this sub was here when I needed it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 07:38 AM
4

First and foremost, ensure that you and your daughter are safe and make decisions based on ensuring that. 1) DO NOT mention BPD, NPD, personality disorder etc to anyone besides your attorney, your close friends and family. And most importantly, do not mention it to her. 2) Get Bill Eddie's book "Splitting", it's the "playbook" you're looking for as far as how to deal with her and what to expect from her. 3) Get on the BPDloves subreddit (that may not be the exact name, but search BPD in reddit a…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 07:36 AM
2

Dude, your therapy advice is way off the mark. Him trying to bring up whatever he thinks her potential traumatic/shameful was is dropping a match In a gas can. It will only end badly. If she is BPD and/or NPD, she is dealing with things that she perceived as so shameful and/or traumatic that it caused her brain to literally shove it away in a part of her brain, wall it off and create a false reality in order to deal with day to day life. If the OP really believes that she has those traits, poten…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 07:20 AM
6

" I need to re-learn how to be social with women who are available and get my social anxieties in check. The rest of me is good. I have no expectations other than becoming a better dater." Exactly where I am, right now is for practice. I'm 27 years since my last date, I also didn't really date when I was younger, so I know exactly what you're dealing with. Congratulations and best of luck going forward.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 07:05 AM
1

I am going through the divorce now, I had to request a restraining order to get her out of the house. Mine is not diagnosed, I am going on the "of it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck" philosophy. She thinks that there is nothing wrong with her, which is common with this kind of thing. Her behavior fits the descriptions provided by a lot of people who have been through it and when a whole lot of things she did, especially things that didn't make sense, are looked at in the…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 04:25 AM
5

Will do: 1) Finish the divorce. 2) Clean up the consequences of the divorce - finances, the house, etc. 3) Maintain the exercise routine I've gotten into. 4) Focus on my son and making sure he's adjusting well. 5) Start working out the details for my first retirement, it's 8 years out, but it's in sight and I know it's going to be here fast. Hope to do (resources dependent): 1) Pay off all my divorce related bills but at a minimum, have a plan and schedule to do it. 2) Take my son on a cross cou…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 04:52 PM
5

No, I keep communications to Talking Parents, texts and emails and only direct communicate with her only when I have no other choice. We are successfully parallel parenting (so far), but that hasn't required much effort on her part so far, so....
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 08:42 AM
2

If she is as you describe her, I agree, her behavior is not only going to improve, it's probably only going to get worse. If WA is anything like California, they should have a divorce self-help website. With as short as your marriage has been, they should have what amounts to a "we screwed up and never should have married" divorce (CA does). If you can afford to pay for your own place and also pay for even a few months of her rent, it will look much better for you. If she's capable of supporting…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 08:40 AM
2

Your whole life has changed, no matter how ready you were for it before you agreed to separate. This stuff will come in waves, I'd really, the waves should be smaller each time. I filed for divorce, but I still miss my stbxw and everything that I hoped we could have had. I feel it every time I remove something of hers or when she came and got a bunch of her stuff. I don't ever want her to come back but it still hurts. But it does get easier with time. The main thing that I have learned is don't …
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 07:04 AM
1

I like this idea....
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 06:57 AM
1

People who have never been through having to seriously wonder about the mental state of the person living with them have no idea. My stbxw walked up to me with a picture of us at our church wedding (we did legal first, religious later), pointed at it, said her dad pointed it out to her but she didn't remember it. She then asked if I remembered, which I did because of the significance of it. She has had some traumatic events in her life and that specific incident had me worried to the point that …
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 06:50 AM
5

Start therapy, now. Get your kid into therapy, now. You are in the right frame of mind but this shit eats at you and you need to process it. Also, document the hell out of interactions with her. If she is actually stalking a guy who wants nothing to do with her, she likely has other mental issues going on and you need to be prepared to protect yourself and your kid. She could get really weird on you in a hurry.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 06:44 AM
15

Document, document, document. Pictures if possible, make sure you know the laws but I suspect that if it comes to child neglect allegations, you taking pictures "without consent" will be viewed in light of the (significantly) lesser of two evils.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 06:37 AM
2

"Or am I weird and should just be glad someone’s interested?" Alot of good answers here, so I will just pile on with: do what you feel comfortable with, don't do what you're not comfortable with. If the lady you're referring to won't respect boundaries, cut her out, be polite and firm but do what you have to do to take care of yourself. If you have kids, they are the priority over all else, except you, because you can't take good care of your kids if you can't take care of yourself. I think you'…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 06:34 AM
1

I found this sub, which is a legit dating sub: r4r40plus Copy that and paste it in, there's also one for 30plus. People are getting dates there, but it seems like it not a lot better than the apps.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/24 05:36 PM
3

Get yourself the book, "Splitting" by Bill Eddie, it's on Amazon, send it to work (or have a friend order it) and read it at work. Get on the r/BPDloves subreddit (should be that, but search for BPD and it should pop up). Lots of people who've been in your situation there that can offer advice on how to deal with your wife and protect your kids. Look up the "grey rock" method for dealing with her and practice doing it. It will irritate the hell out of her but it should help you dealing with her.…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/24 05:42 AM
6

"we all are going through it but we are going through it the best we can." That is the truth. I've been on here since June, I was new to Reddit in general, this and a couple of other subs I've been on have really helped my through this. As you mentioned, the support among complete strangers here is a great thing to have during a shitty time in our lives. Keep your head up and, if nothing else, keep the faith for your little ones. Take care.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 08:03 AM
3

"I know questions will be asked and right now emotionally I would break down. " You don't owe anybody any answers. "I honestly want to just be alone but at the same time I know it’s probably the unhealthiest thing to do" Being alone is actually a very healthy thing to do, but what you choose to do with the time can make it unhealthy. Healthy: Spending some time with yourself, feel the feelings, it's part of processing them. Unhealthy: Trying to avoid the feelings and hide them away. Clean up the…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/24 09:48 PM
8

First Christmas since I initiated the divorce. A little background: Christmas Day, 2022, her need to control everything in order to have the "perfect" Christmas took priority over our son enjoying his Christmas. He didn't get to open the majority of his presents until after noon because of her priorities and that was only after being told he could open presents, then told "No, wait, we have to do x" three times in a row. That resulted in a huge fight, I ended up leaving the house for a few hours…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/24 06:13 AM
2

"you meet the people you need, and you can only trust life to take you exactly where you need to be. Trust what’s happening to you, and when ‘it happens’ be equally trusting." How right you are. Merry Christmas!
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/24 03:37 AM
6

Thank you for the good words. Have another real Guinness for those of us here in the 'States! First year doing this. I had Christmas for my son yesterday, my mom and dad are here, he had a great time so it was great for me. He's with his mom now to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them and her family. We could celebrate Christmas in July for all I care, if my son's happy, I'm happy. Wishing all of you guys a Merry Christmas and thoughts and prayers for you guys who are having a hard ti…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/24 12:56 AM
3

Helluva Christmas present, congratulations! You're doing a hell of a lot better than me (and most guys on the apps, it sounds like). I've been on three different apps over the course of the last couple of months and haven't made it past phone calls yet. Congratulations again!
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/24 12:43 AM
2

"This is the end of one chapter and the beginning of another and it is TOTALLY up to me how that next chapter is written." Screenshot that, maybe even make it the background on your phone, and read that every time you get dragged (or choose to walk) through hell and want to give up. "Through the day, I feel sick, on the verge of tears," One thing that helped dealing with the death of my first son was, when I felt like this, go some place private, let yourself feel it, let yourself cry and when y…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/24 07:58 AM
3

"Her mum unalived herself when X was 7 and that has had deep, cruel underlying manifestations, even though she claims she's processed it. At one point she professed "I've done the work, it's you who needs to catch up"." Our first son died and my stbxw said basically the same thing. I mentioned it to my therapist and he said "Yes, people do it, but it's dysfunctional". She hasn't properly processed it. As the others said, you need to GTFO, ASAP. "We see each other regularly due to custody of the …
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/24 11:06 PM
2

Get Bill Eddie's book "Splitting". "She had been hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation. She is currently attending an online DBT class, she says it helped a little bit, but her behavior is still the same. She self harms when she’s really depressed. She screams yells, and says the most cruel nasty things to me that she knows is gonna hurt me and then twist it around and blames it on me. " There's a sub for Borderline, https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/ Get in there and get advice from peop…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/24 10:59 PM
1

First year, not doing the court ordered schedule because my stbxw didn't bother reading the court order, unsurprisingly. Luckily she made it easy (and ironically went with what I originally proposed), so we're maintaining our normal schedule and my son is doing Christmas at my house today w/ my mom and dad visiting. He goes w/ his mom tomorrow to spend Christmas Eve and day w/ her and her parents. We're doing the odd/even year thing, so I'll have him for Christmas day next year. Like apatrol sai…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/24 10:42 PM
4

"I've always been a blue collar worker and she sees her/our friends who have nice work from home jobs and gets resentful of my work. " My stbxw did this, a lot. I started telling her that if it was that important to her, she needed to divorce me and go marry somebody with one of those jobs. Of course, she never did and she was never happy. It was one of the many straws that led to me divorcing her. It's not healthy and it is manipulative. She married you with the job you had. She needs to figure…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 11:59 PM
1

At least in California, expenses (day care, copays, etc. are expenses and the parents are expected to split that 50/50. Support is in theory separate, however, my stbxw hasn't paid a dime for our any of our son's expenses since July, so I am able to deduct her half of his daycare from the support I pay her. When you do the child support calculation, there is a place to list wait expenses you both pay and that figures into the final support number.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 11:48 PM
4

"I know that God is still here but there are many days when it sure does not feel like it." Have you seen the "Footsteps" prayer? God is there to help you when you really need it, but he isn't there to be your crutch throughout life. Are you going to do everything for your children their entire lives? Or are you going to let them learn to work through their problems for themselves? You can let this destroy you or you can use it to make yourself stronger, smarter and more resilient. Which example…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 11:42 PM
1

That clip is a classic. I've seen it a bunch of times but I had to watch it again just because. I just hope I can maintain my bearing the you and the Admiral did if and when the time comes.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 07:59 AM
1

I'm going to sorta disagree on this one. Your attorney is burning $400 an hour doing "stuff" for you. You need to find a balance. You can get yourself nickled and dimed for excessive, unnecessary communication that your attorney is going to charge you for, Or, you can never contact your attorney, except in emergencies, and find out they burned through $Xk to do the opposite of what you wanted. Then you get to pay them to unfuck whatever they put in an agreement and you signed. You're driving the…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 07:53 AM
1

"Divorce freezes status quo and if that was what was tolerable for you" I love this part. "Sure, judge, I just tolerated her refusing to work to even half of her potential, tolerated it, yeah, that's right." The hypothetical conversation I guess the judge thinks I should have had: "You repeatedly bitch at me about the two-equal-incomes-required lifestyle that you want, yet you refuse to get off your ass and get a better paying job because that means you'd have to put in effort and take responsib…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 06:49 PM
5

I'm at $11.6k spent with another $2.4k in retainer. My first attorney was a worthless POS and ate the $3.5k retainer to file and nothing else. My stbxw was at $16k spent and counting last month, so she's probably over $18k now. My second attorney just cleared $8.1k spent, I have exclusive use of the house, a custody order, agreement that I'll keep the house and agreement on the cars. Looks like we're heading to trial for the rest but my stbxw burned through all of the savings she had so I'm goin…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 05:13 AM
2

The judge may just take the income she has and use that or they can assign an imputed income if they have a good justification to. If they don't, you can request an imputed income, you will either have to get her to agree to a higher income or request a vocational evaluation that will determine what she's capable of making. You're going to have to pay for a vocational eval, I've about $5k. You'll have to figure out whether what she could earn would affect your alimony enough to justify the cost.…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 04:48 AM
1

Crossfit is a whole system of training, a lot of military guys do it and it's become popular in the civilian side. Done right, it can be very effective, done wrong, it can do some serious damage. You can look it up on YouTube. It can be cultish, depending on the place and you can hurt pretty bad if you don't get a good instructor. There is (or at least was) a big tie in between CrossFit and Paleo diet. The guys that I did it with (Air Force Paraeescue in Afghanistan back in 2007) made sure that …
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 07:17 AM
1

Look up 3 of 7 Project on YouTube, I believe he's also in TN, not that you need to be there, but he has some good stuff on simple bodyweight training. The guy's a prior Navy SEAL (re)turned hillbilly. Lots of fun stuff if you're interested in that and he has a training course he does there in case you might be interested. Personally, I have body armor I acquired, I have it weighted to 40ish pounds. I use body armor because it distributes the weight evenly front to back, a ruck puts it all behind…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 07:00 AM
2

Your description of your ex sounds a lot like my stbxw, only difference is that she didn't want to leave (I have strong suspicions that didn't stop her from straying), I finally had to divorce her. Your new wife is an example of the type of women that I'd want to long term relationship with it the future. Marriage? Won't say no, but not planning on it, but we all know how that works. At my age (50) a woman who's never had children (with the exception of biological inability) would be a potential…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 04:43 AM
3

Mine was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive, good at using sympathy and sex to keep me engaged. I actually broke up with her for three months when we were dating, I was out and doing well when she stopped by to get "something she forgot"... That shit was deliberate and it worked. On the one hand, I wouldn't have wished this on her and wish we could have had a great life together. On the other hand, they are calculated and deliberate but will deny it until the day they die unless t…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 07:27 PM
4

27 years, in the process of divorcing now. If you're dealing with this, GTFO, ASAP. Get a book called "Splitting" by Bill Eddie, he's a former psychologist (psychiatrist?) who went into family law. It's basically a play book of what to expect from them during a divorce and how to deal with them. First rule: never breathe a word about a personality disorder without a formal diagnosis and getting one is a crap shoot. The more narcissistic and antisocial ones see a psych eval as a good challenge an…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 07:49 AM
3

Good luck man, I can't provide a lot of advice, I haven't had a date in 27 years. So, rooting for you, may the force be with you and waiting to see what the other guys have to see that I can apply to my first, whenever that ends up happening.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 07:32 AM
1

1) Keep your chain informed of what's going on, most importantly make sure your first shirt knows what's going on when, where, how and why. And if it looks like you're going to be in any trouble (financial, legal, whatever) make damn sure your shirt finds out about it from you before your chain finds out from somebody else. 2) Make sure your security folks know that you're going through a divorce and if it's not amicable, let them know, that way, if they get wind of anything, they know what's up…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 02:39 AM
1

If you don't want the stuff but are concerned about just tossing it, here's my suggestion: rent a storage unit for 3 months, put you and her as authorized users. Move all the crap you both don't want into it. Put a lock on it, give her the key and tell her that if she thinks she can get a good deal on it, do so. If it really import to her, she can sell it herself, pay the rent after the three months to keep it or just not pay. If she doesn't pay, 30 days after she hasn't paid, the storage place …
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 06:52 AM
1

Your life isn't over, you have plenty of time to start over and have yourself a great life. Right now, focus on taking care of your daughter. Get her into therapy ASAP, same for you. Find a therapist who deals with PTSD, you're going to need it. Next, get rid of (divorce...) the stbxw, also ASAP. "I don’t think she realizes she will be left with nothing when I leave." I'm going to bet it hasn't even crossed her mind. Best case scenario, she'll just want to go find a new boy toy and be done with …
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 04:17 AM
1

I separated in June, I recognize that I'm not ready for not do I wasn't to get into a serious relationship. That said, I'm 50 and I've been out of the game for 27 years. When I do decide that I'm ready to start seeing someone seriously, I don't want to be starting from scratch. Also, because of my stbxw, I have trust issues. So I am looking to date with the intent of meeting various women, getting used to being around someone other than my stbxw, learning to trust my gut and intuition, etc. Just…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 11:46 AM
1

Stay in it for your girls. They need to know their daddy is fighting for them, even if you can't be there with them right now. And, as you said and many others have said many times, you are their rock, their stability, their normal that provides stability in their life. When you ruminate, you need to find a way to ground yourself. Look it up, grounding. I have said it before and I will say it again, Wim Hoff breathing, look it up on YouTube, try it. It helped me out and still does. Take care, st…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 05:57 AM
1

The judge is not going to care if you have mental health issues, the judge IS going to care if you have them under control and have your shit together. If that means spending Christmas in an inpatient program to get yourself to a place where you can better deal with things on your own, then do it. If it then comes up in court, it shows the judge that a) you are recognizing and accepting that you have a problem and b) you are taking active steps to get it under control. That's what matters. Beyon…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 05:51 AM
2

My son would call me almost daily initially and vice versa when he was with me. I now let him call when he wants to, but I try to make sure he calls at least once during the week with me. Our custody order says at least once a week. “not criticizing, harassing or prying into fathers personal life with the kids.” That statement is considered a courtesy stipulation in a custody order, i.e., the court expects both parents should recognize that without having to be told. I don't think it's something…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 02:09 AM
5

I saw a good meme on TV the other day: "There is no "I" in "team" but there are three in "narcissistic"."
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 01:28 PM
1

There are subs for people in relationships with npd and BPD, go read through those about if you're curious. You might see a lot of conversations you had w/ your ex, it's bizarre how many people posted conversations w/ their person that were almost verbatim conversations /arguments I had w/ my stbxw.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 01:26 PM
2

"This is the Narcissist’s Creed-it describes my ex’s entire approach to interacting with other people: That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it." Can confirm. Another thing is that children are highly narcissistic, the healthy ones grow out it by developing healthy traits. There are a lot of immature adults, seems like more now, as a result, more p…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 10:42 PM
5

I had been thinking about joininfnthe county search and rescue team, I finally did that. I also got a lot more regualr with my exercise routine, I lost weight during the time I made the decision to divorce my stbxw, etc. and I'm keeping that off now.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 10:36 PM
2

You'd have to ask your attorney, if your retirement is a 401(k) - vs an annuity - then yes, in theory you should be able to do that. You and your attorney would have to come up with a dollar amount ($X * Y months) and she would have tp agree to it. I'm Calfifornia, I can try to buy my ex out completely, i.e., I give her a chunk of money and she never gets to come back for more. She potentially stands to make out like a bandit if she remarried in a couple of years, but I look at it as an investme…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 02:33 PM
1

Look into whether you can get an imputed income assigned to her. That means that she is capable of earning more, the court will use a higher income to compute her alimony (and child support if you have I. Also, if you have the flexibility and the cash or a 401(k) you can use, you may be able to buy her out or buy her alimony down (lump sum payment and an end date).
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 09:22 AM
1

Congratulations, good on you and hope it only keeps getting better.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 09:17 AM
3

As far as location goes, I'm in the same situation as you, I'm rural, no real social scene and the apps are the only way to have any chance of meeting a woman outside of random encounters. I think maybe you're settling because of the shitty results with the apps, you just used to being with somebody. It's a habit and you fell back into it with this one. If you really like this woman, I'm w/ THX1138 and examinationklutzy, set boundaries for yourself, tell her what they are and proceed accordingly…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 08:56 AM
4

If you don't voluntarily, she can get a court order to force you to. If it gets that far, you're going to look like you have something to hide. Not a place you want to be.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 04:08 PM
1

Keep that stuff offline, that's strategy and if your ex's attorneys get wind that you're on here, they could be reading up on what you're up to.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 03:29 AM
2

If you go pro se, you can't request attorneys fees from her, you can only request attorneys fees for an actual attorney. Get yourself a good paralegal, they can fill in the documents, they know how to do the wording and they can submit documents for you. A good paralegal is worth their weight in gold. Learn the word "Continuance" and understand what "Waive Notice" means before you agree to it. There is a judge's handbook for working pro se lawyers, it tells them how to work with pro se individua…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 10:03 PM
1

You're harming your boys by staying in an unhappy marriage that you want out of. You're setting an example for both of them that they will remember when they grow up to be young men and get in a relationship. You need to decide what example you want to set. And it will be what you make it. As a couple others said, go to therapy for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 11:01 PM
2

It's huge change, it's going to be scary. The only way to effectively deal with it is to face it. Have you tried spending some time by yourself? You may find you like it. Getting over the initial hump is the hard part, it gets easier from there. You'll be good and you'll come out better for it .
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 07:48 PM
1

Whoever files for the divorce is the petitioner, the person being served is the respondent. One of you has to file and serve the other. Yes, you still have petitioner and respondent, California treats marriage as a business contract and the dissolution follows the same rules.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 11:17 PM
2

I think the gist of it that you need to worry about is being a responsible adult. Don't be a man whore and screw anything that moves. Respect the sanctity of other men's marriages. If you don't want kids and aren't prepared to be a father, make sure you're taking the appropriate steps to make sure you don't become one. If you do get a woman pregnant, you are a father, whether you like it or want it or not. Man up and be your child's father. Do not rely on the woman to prevent a pregnancy, i.e., …
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/24 04:51 AM
1

Go on the trip. You have to cut the strings to the kids at some point and your stbxh seems to want their attention, here's your opportunity. And you're not losing your kids, you're letting them be adults and make their own decisions. They'll come back to you when they're ready and, unless they're complete narcissists, they'll realize what happened and want to make amends. In the meantime, take some time for yourself, find yourself and be happy Heck, maybe you'll meet yourself a nice gaucho to ha…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 02:52 PM
1

Here in the U.S., we can request what's called imputed income, which is what she's capable of earning, you can also request a vocational evaluation where a specialist will look at her skills and determine what she's capable of making. But, even if you don't want to do that, my understanding is that the judges will usually imputed minimum wage if there's nothing else to go on. Can't your attorney request a reconsideration based on that? Or, consider getting a new attorney who will.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 02:44 PM
1

Check your service papers. It may have (probably has) standard restraining orders that include you not being able to remove her from any insurance, changing beneficiaries on life insurance, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 06:19 AM
1

I turned 50 a couple of months after filing, 26 years together, 22 married, first and only marriage, one son. Like alot of the other guys, our son noticed the fighting and the bullshit that went on. I had more than one "Dad, why does mom act like that?" And I was losing my shit, more frequently before, I was better able to keep my temper under control after I realized I was reacting to her. It was less frequent but the blowups were quicker and getting to the point that I was just telling her to …
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 06:17 AM
2

This is my problem, I talk and there's a couple times where I've missed cues and a couple other times where I wonder if I did. And they've all been random encounters, which I think is part of it, I'm caught off guard, and can't talk and process the cues at the same time. Of course, it doesn't help if I can't tell whether they're just being friendly or actually flirting. As far as the apps, I getting goose eggs. Trying different things as intros and getting nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 01:39 AM
1

Drunken knitting?
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 09:15 AM
1

Wim Hoff breathing, look it up on YouTube, he has a guided session. It kicked me out of a PTSD episode that I'd been in for weeks, I swear by it. The hurt is going to take you time, it comes in waves and each wave is smaller than the previous one. In the meantime, remember your kids. They need you here, especially now, you need to be the stability in their lives and you need to be their father. If nothing else drives you, they should. And get yourself to work so you can support yourself. You can…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 06:02 AM
1

If you're a normal, healthy, decent man, it's going to hurt, no matter how right, justified or necessary it is. And, and I completely agree about not waiting. I filed just before I turned 50 and I realize now I should have ended it years ago. For the younger guys, I mean this sincerely: if you are to the point that you are constantly questioning whether your marriage is healthy, whether you can stay in the marriage, whether your wife is lying and/or cheating and/or otherwise hiding stuff from yo…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 03:23 AM
1

Sorry so long to reply, I retired from the Air National Guard in 2020, after 27 years in between active, Guard and Reserves. I know exactly what you mean about the deployments, I was in Kuwait, Turkey, Iraq and Afghanistan and was better there than I was at home. I know being in and deploying (operational and training) plus TDYs for work as much as I did are the only reason I stayed with her as long as I did. And, yeah, the whole thing was a manipulation on her part. She had a good deal and didn…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/24 09:57 PM
1

Yes, menopause is an older man's best friend....
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:58 PM
2

Yeah, I'm going to be working this angle. I travel pretty regularly. I just need to get better at picking up in signs, flirting, etc. I need that Austin Powers mojo
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:57 PM
2

I'll have to see if I can do that without looking weird about it. I guess could walk around thinking about the fact that my ex isn't living in my house and literally killing me with the anxiety she induced.... Of course, I'd probably start giggling like a idiot (or a mad man) 🤪 I have to find that happy place, just that doesn't involve women, don't want to get too happy walking down the street 🥒🥸 I'm going to have to re-read this post every morning, I can't stop laughing right now. Thank you
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:56 PM
2

Interesting, my kid was all about bunk beds and wanting to sleep in top. I guess he grew out of that, though, I was going to build platform bed for him, but then he said he'd heard about kids rolling out of the and breaking stuff. My boy's growing up.... My son had been co-sleeping for years, I was trying to break him of it and was going to do the platform for he could sleep in my room with me but not in the same bed. Wool blankets actually did the trick. I got a surplus army will blanket and an…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:45 PM
1

I've seen psthacks, I like his videos, but I don't remember seeing any specifically on dating, so thanks, I'll look
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:37 PM
3

I'm 5' 11", 225lbs, used to lift regularly, and I've been told in the past I look like I want to kill somebody when I'm walking around. Not the most approachable.... I do three mile walks from home two to three times a week w/ body armor (40ish lbs) on, I'm up to 110 squats and 50 pushups, w/ the body armor on spread over three sets. I'm going to start hitting the gym intermittently to do some work I can't easily do at home, but I'm getting about as buff as I'm going to get without doing full on…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 06:15 AM
4

AWDTSG, just googled it, hmmmmm. Funny, if guys did the same thing, it'd be called stalking. I hear you, while it would be nice to be able to occasionally get out and spend some time with a lady, the prospect of meeting one as crazy or crazier than my ex or a lot of the other BS that goes on (like AWDTSG) tempers the desire and makes staying single look better.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 11:08 PM
1

Yeah, it seems to be a game now and I'm starting to treat it as such, although I'm not too keen on paying to play a game with such low odds at winning anything. So, when you've had successful matches, do you even bother with banter or just reply with a time, date and contact info?
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 05:15 PM
2

Cool, thanks... I've heard the name of the app before, wasn't sure what it was for.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 04:12 PM
1

Locally, there are a few, but it's the same local pool. I joined our county search and rescue group, mostly dudes and a few women who are older and married. But, maybe some chances to rescue a damsel in distress 😁
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 05:21 AM
1

????????????
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 02:39 AM
1

I don't have either, so that's not encouraging....
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 01:47 AM
-1

Yeah, I'm on Hinge and doing that but still not much success. Multiple likes but all either 10+ years older than me (50) or not my cup of tea. I even had a bi dude like me, he was young and fit, he wasn't some Chester looking dude. I didn't know if I should consider that means my profile is good or if that means it's conveying entirely the wrong message... None have been ones that I would have liked myself. Had a few matches from likes I did but all but one have since ghosted and the one just wa…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 01:46 AM
13

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 12:38 AM
2

I think you'll be good. See if you can get a bunkbed for the kids, they love that stuff. As mentioned, don't buy a house, rent, save more money for when you retire.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 12:24 AM
1

Oh yeah, creatine, use it, it helps. I was surprised, I really notice the difference using it now. Also, look up Jocko Joint Warfare, antiinflammatories, it helped me getting started back up.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 12:20 AM
1

Why not? Just make sure you pay more attention to the form now and less attention to the weight initially. I'm 50, spent 27 years between active, guard and reserves. I fucked off the first year after I retired and got to where I couldn't do a single pushups because it hurt so bad. Strength was good but everything was stiff and inflamed. I'm 225lbs, I have an IOTV that followed me home and I have it at about 40lbs, plus or minus a bit. I do three mile walks, including about 1/8 mile jog on an uph…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 12:18 AM
1

I'm 50, tomorrow (Veteran's Day) would have been 23 years. I divorced her, no regrets other than not doing it a long time ago or better yet not marrying her in the first place. Welcome to the club, enjoy your new life.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 12:05 AM
1

Can you get an exclusive use order from the court? That will prohibt her from coming to the house without your permission anymore. That may have to involve a restraining order. Here in the 'States, harassment is a valid reason to request a restraining order. Even if it doesn't get approved, it will be a shot across.the now and the judge will now have a history of issues when the divorce proceedings actually start. And if she has an attorney, that attorney is probably going to tell her to knock i…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 12:00 AM
1

Open a new account and start sending your paycheck there. All of your paychecks after the date of separation are separate funds and should not be commingled with money from prior to the separation. As was said below, as long as you can account for any community property (money you had in savings prior to the separation date) you're good. It doesn't mean it has to be where she can access it. That said, make sure that by moving money around you're not cutting off her source of money she legitimate…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 11:55 PM
1

It makes you wonder if the "once a cheater, always a cheater" also applies to divorces and you'd have that in the back of your mind. I initiated my divorce (99% sure mine is BPD) and she was convinced everything was fine.... Just like dasfoo, now that I'm dipping my toes into the dating pool after being on this sun for months, I have to wonder how many of the women my age on the apps ditched their husbands and families. In the immediate term, find out a woman I met did that would make me have so…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 11:43 PM
3

As my therapist said, all the red flags looked like a circus. She was a pain in the ass but she was also a lot of fun.... As somebody said in another thread, "that 😻 is a helluva drug"
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 03:33 AM
2

What you experienced with her is the same as a drug and you are going through withdrawals. You have to go through it and let it run it's course. You need to get comfortable with yourself and that's something that you have to actively do. If you find somebody else too soon, you're going to end up hooked on the drug again.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 03:24 AM
1

Don't feel shitty, embrace the happiness and enjoy it. You don't deserve to be miserable because she is. I filed back in June after 22 years and I am much happier. There have been a bunch of rough spots because I was (and still am) in love with some part of her, but there was another part of her that was just an asshole. And get yourself something to do that has some sense of purpose. I retired from the ANG 4 years ago, after 27 years in, and not being in anymore was affecting me more than I rea…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 06:37 AM
2

For California family law, the other party has to be notified of everything by being served or it never happens and it has no weight in court. California treats marriages as a business, divorces are considered a contract issue and handled legally as such. To answer the question about residency, yes, there is a 6 month residency requirement. Also, be careful, because she could file prior to 6 months and the county in TN that you left could end up having jurisdiction and that would be a nightmare …
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 06:23 AM
2

Go to the /bpdloves sub and look up the BPD family forums. Abandonment issues are the core thing with BPD. I obviously can't diagnose anything and you can't either. I had to look at patterns of behavior and check the boxes. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, etc, you know how it goes.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 03:41 AM
1

Yeah, it is and it sucks to be stick sitting there watching it happen and you can't do shit about it. Even if she did magically wake up one day and realize there's something wrong with her, there's no fixing this. With therapy and medication, they can manage it but it takes years of therapy and they have to stay on the medication just to get to where they can manage it on a day to day basis. But, even with that, nothing can prevent or soften the worst of it. They're stuck with it. You're stuck s…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 07:01 AM
1

I'm going to say that you do it this year, and this year only. For your kid. Don't go there and play pretend like you're still mommy and daddy, make it perfectly clear to your ex that your there for your kid, there will be no PDA or otherwise pretending everything else is normal. Show up happy, pay attention to your kid, be professional in interactions with your ex and make sure your kid has the best birthday party ever. Starting next year, plan your own parties. It will not only make your kid h…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 04:10 PM
1

Yeah, it gets strange. There is a subreddit, I think for /bpdloves , for people in relationships with them. You will probably see a lot of conversations/exhcanges that you've had with your wife, almost verbatim. There's a guy, I'm brain farting on his name at the moment, who's a therapist who specializes in narcissism, he says BPD, NPD and antisocial personality disorder are all different flavors of narcissism. And if they have one, they usually have traits from all of them to vary g degrees. Ch…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 03:37 PM
2

Look up borderline personality disorder, love bombing and sex bombing, splitting. Look up Lise Leblanc and watch some of her videos on it and see if what you're going through match what she describes. Significant parts of what you're describing are almost word for word descriptions of stuff I went through, except mine didn't want to end the marriage, she was off in her Barbie Fantasy Marriage land and thought everything was fine. I was also having anxiety attacks and ended up going to the hospit…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 07:20 AM
1

If the marriage is making you miserable, it affecting you and in turn affecting your ability to be a good father and provide a safe and stable home for your kids. Make your decision about whether you are going to divorce her - as the others said, there's no asking, you either are or aren't. If the decision is yes, I'd strongly advise getting a lawyer unless you are independently wealthy, have a lot of spare time and no animosity towards your stbxw. You file, then you have her served. You don't n…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 05:13 AM
2

You're not going to find closure, you need to accept it and move on. You need to become an independent man and the only person you should ever rely on again is you. First, stop calling her or talking to her for any reason other than business with the kids. She's done with you, for whatever reason, it doesn't matter at this point. You are where you are and you have to deal with the situation as it is now. It you found yourself stranded in the wilderness, how you got there wouldn't matter, the onl…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 01:12 PM
1

Get rid of your marital bed and make the master bedroom your own. I built a new bedframe, put a new mattress on it, it's like a new room and I sleep better. As others said, concentrate on being a good father for your kids and setting the example. They'll adjust to the schedule, just make sure that they're not getting dragged back and forth too often. To hell with your ex. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 11:00 AM
1

Ditto what Steve said, start looking for a lawyer, at least to get a consult. Accept that the divorce is going to happen and start preparing for it. In the meantime, concentrate on learning to take care of yourself. Presumably, you're going to want to share custody of the kids with your stbxw. You can't take of your kids if you can't take care of yourself, son concentrate of getting good at that. It eventually does get easier but it's going to be rough until then, all you can do is ride the wave…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 10:36 AM
3

This, except we never should have gotten married in the first place. I should have pulled my head out of my ass and paid attention to all the red flags. I didn't and I tried like hell to make it work but that isn't enough. Some variation of what you read here. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's life, people change, sometimes you find out the person you married isn't the person you fell in love with or they hid stuff from you. I don't go announcing it but I don't hide it either and I make it cle…
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 10:00 PM
1

If you don't have anything from his bedroom at home, then take him shopping and let him pick some stuff out. Get a blanket he likes, like somebody else said, maybe a nightlight and maybe a stuffed animal. That way, it's his, he's making it his room and so he will get more familiar and then more comfortable with it. My problem has been breaking my son of co-sleeping, used to be that even if we (before the divorce) put him in his bed, he'd wake up in the middle of the night and get in our bed. Las…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 05:49 PM
10

Happy birthday! I just turned 50 last month, I spent my birthday with the best birthday and Christmas present I ever got, our son. And I remind him of that on my birthday and at Christmas every year. We split a package of Hostess cupcakes, mine got a tea candle because I couldn't find the birthday cake candles. It was a great birthday. I hope yours is just as simple and just as great. Have a genuine good time, if you're not, they'll pick up on it and they will likely think it's something they di…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 04:20 PM
3

I watched a video one time where this lady therapist/ psychologist/ whatever said women don't lie, she said early on they will say and do everything that they will do throughout the relationship and if you let them get away with it and tolerate it, they'll run with it. I look back at the beginning of the relationship with my stbxw and all the red flags she was throwing up and that lady was dead on. There's stuff that I remember now, 27 years later, wondering if it was going to come back to haunt…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 03:10 PM
1

This. Get an attorney and make sure they push the imputed income. If she has an education and a prior work history, you can request a skills assessment, the assessor will determine what she's capable of making and imputed income could be set there. It's going to kncost you money but in your case, if she's capable of making a more than minimum wage, it's going to quickly pay for itself. Also, I was advised to see about using assets I have to basically buy her out of spousal support. Since you're …
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 03:03 PM
1

There are women out there who either don't want kids or are divorced and don't want more kids. If you want to be a dad, you can adopt, or if marry a divorced lady with kids, you get to be a stepdad. Have you seen some of the vets who came home from Iraq and Afghanistan? They're missing limbs, sometimes several, have traumatic brain injury, other body parts missing, but they have wives who love them, stay with them and support them. So, they're out there. The first thing you need to do is stop fe…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 04:16 PM
1

You should be able to do an skills assessment, where a professional evaluator can look at her education, work experience, physical issues, etc and provides a report to court on what she is capable of making. It's going to cost you money, so you need to determine whether it will pay off for you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/24 02:42 PM
2

Part of my reason for divorcing my stbxw was that we were having room many fights that our son was exposed to, I had become someone I didn't like or want to be and one of the most important reasons was that our son was starting to model my behavior towards girls. That was one of the last straws. Let's be very clear here: you are not abandoning your child or destroying your family. You are being a good father and recognizing that your marriage is unhealthy and that your home environment is not he…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 03:07 AM
2

I have to disagree with your stance on dating. Repetition builds familiarity, it gives you opportunities to fail so you can look at what you need to correct. It lets you test yourself, your boundaries and what you believe you do and don't want in your life. Eventually, when you get it right (where you want to be) you can recognize that and it builds your confidence in your ability to meet women as well as your ability to discriminate and sort out the ones you don't want to be with. It doesn't me…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 05:06 PM
2

Agree with this with a caveat: If you can control your drinking, don't drink when you feeling down and don't drink when you're feeling great. It's Pavlovian conditioning, your brain associates the alcohol with the mood. When you're in a neutral spot, calm, not worried and you're choosing to have a drink, have one or two and be done. The caveat: If you know or suspect you can't control yourself, don't drink at all and if it's really bad, get help. There's no shame in admitting you have a problem …
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 04:52 PM
2

I dumped mine. She was living in her Barbie Fantasy Family land and thought everything was wonderful. She still, as far as I know, believes I'm in a phase or having midlife crisis and will eventually ask her to come back. But I'm 99% certain mine is BPD with a healthy spoonful of narcissistic traits. I do greatly agree with the OP on his points. A couple things I would extra emphasize: 1) If she dumped you, she's betrayed you, she can't be trusted and she's damaged goods. When you're new to the …
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 04:37 PM
1

Big thing to consider is whether you can pay it all out of pocket. I was going to go pro per but a big factor for me was that the laws for reimbursement don't help you. I'm in CA and you can only use community property and court ordered reimbursement for attorney's fees. If you're Pro Per, you can't use those to pay for paralegals, process servers, court fees etc. but her attorney can use those same funds to pay for their same things. So, you're out of pocket using only separate property. It's B…
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 06:34 PM
1

"Bartender, huh? You going to cosplay as a loyal loving wife for him too? Try cosplaying as a good mother first, mmmmkay?" I love that, cosplay as a loving wife, I need to start using that to describe my stbx in our marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 03:14 PM
2

I'm with you on the friends and the isolation, I was in the Guard, traditional but spent a lot of time with a small, right knit unit and they were (are) my friends. But we're scattered around the state now without drill weekends, AT and other dets to see each other regularly. It's been 4 years and I was starting to realize that I didn't have any friends and needed some but the divorce brought it into full focus. Finding people I can identify and get along with is difficult. My therapist said I j…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 04:12 AM
1

This makes me wonder... It's been almost 2 months since I've had her served, almost 3 since I originally told her I want a divorce. She still refuses to accept the divorce, is trying to get me to go to marriage counseling via third parties (family, friends, clergy). I read a post on Quora today where a lady said her sister's husband divorced her (the sister), two years later he had remarried and she moved home still living in a delusion that he loved her and was going to divorce the new wife and…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 04:02 AM
2

Congratulations!!!
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 03:33 AM
1

You said his mom is involved, there's the answer to your question. Mommy makes his decisions for him and there's a battle going on that he isn't winning. In my case, I initiated it and I am going to finish it as fast as I can push the court process. My advice would be to tell him you're going to get a lawyer and start nailing him for attorneys fees, that will get Mommy's attention and cause her to light a fire under his ass.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 03:27 AM
1

Mine still thinks she can save our marriage by going to counseling so she hasn't accepted that it's over yet. So, I don't think she's started this yet but a few weeks back she asked me if I told our son I had initiated the divorce, so I expect that to start before too long. She's already sitting with him and holding the phone when he calls me and I can see him looking at her throughout the call, so the manipulation is well underway. She still seems to be trying to hoover me, directly and through…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 03:58 PM
1

Huge red flag: You are seeing red flags and choosing to ignore them, you believe that you can fix them or you believe she will grow out of them. I look back now and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Watch the movie Heat, the part where Al Pacino is grilling the guy they want to turn into an informant. He sums it up perfectly: "She's got great ass!!! And you've got your head all the way up it."
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 04:03 PM
1

Ditto on this. Refuses to make decisions, will throw a raging temper tantrum if forced to make one. Refuses to take responsibility for herself, although this can be harder to catch if she never makes any decisions... If you never make any decisions, you'll never make any bad decisions. Bonus: Never wants to make decisions but also your decisions are never the right ones and she doesn't want to go along. Mom and dad are involved in all major decisions. Mom and dad's life is the model for your lif…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 03:58 PM
2

This and boundaries. I was dumb enough to assume that I shouldn't have to tell somebody that they shouldn't be an an asshole to the people they supposedly love, cheating is not acceptable, etc. I believed that stuff went without saying... I found out I was dead wrong on that assumption. I was also dumb enough to assume that her immaturity would go away as she got older. It didn't, I ended up living with a spoiled 12yo brat for 20+ years. Oh, and trust your gut, if it gets bad enough that you bre…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 03:47 PM
1

Things come in, things never leave.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 03:37 PM
1

"Absolutely useless with the most mundane things, claimed to not know how to use the printer or order something from Amazon." Actual conversation I had: Me: " I didn't get the registration for one of the cars in on time, we have to pay a late fee. Could you help me in the future and take care of paying the registration for the cars? You just have to get on the DMV website and follow the instructions on the letter." Her, on her phone, literally shopping for stuff using the multiple accounts she s…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 03:36 PM
1

Ditto to this. She initiated it, it's done at this point and it's a game on her part. If she really, really loves him that much, there is no law I'm aware of preventing them from getting married again down the road. If she really wants him back that much, and he's really willing to take the risk, she will stick around and prove she means it. I vote no.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 02:14 AM
2

IRT her relationship with her father, look at the relationship and make sure it's a father-daughter relationship with appropriate boundaries. If her and dad are like bff's, dad does anything she asks him to, and dad doesn't set any boundaries, that's a bad sign for how she's going to treat you.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 02:07 AM
1

This includes refusal to make decisions about almost anything... If she won't make decisions or fights like hell if forced to, she is avoiding responsibility.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 02:01 AM
2

This. Me, my family and our mutual friends telling her I was done wasn't getting through to her. She claimed she wanted to save the marriage, responded to the petition asking for separation instead of divorce, but she apparently thought coming to the house and starting shit with me, refusing to agree to a custody schedule for our son and just generally continuing to be an asshole would help win me back. I know she cheated on me multiple times in the past, but now she's not interested in other gu…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 01:02 AM
2

Did your attorney tell you why you would be seen as abandoning your kids? I ask because my STBX's attorney told her the same thing (which resulted in a fortunately mild by past standards verbal confrontation at our house in front of our kid). I looked at the CA family law (section 3080 if I remember correctly) and it explicitly says that one parent moving out for a short duration (not defined) cannot be used to claim abandonment. I pay all the of the bills for everything so I offered to move out…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 04:19 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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