Divorce_Men Archive

Men's issues in divorce are vastly different from women's. This sub addresses the unique challenges facing men during divorce - from custody to assets, finances, attorneys and social issues.

What is this sub?

Advice, support and conversation for men going through divorce.

What this sub is not:

• Pro-divorce
• Anti-women
• Anti-marriage
• Anti-family
• A substitute for legal help or psychological treatment.

This sub is a place for sober discourse. Please keep your advice rational and avoid incendiary comments. Within these guidelines, profanity and cathartic venting are encouraged.

Please include the following in new posts:

• State (if in the U.S.) or country
• Children, how many, what age
• Whether divorce or separation agreement has already been filed, and on what grounds
• Whether you already have legal representation
• Your living arrangements (do not leave your home)
• If there are active restraining orders against you or the ex

Universal Truths

• Family Law / Divorce attorneys are shit. You will spend all your savings, max out your cards and then go into debt if you have an even mildly combative STBX. Your lawyer will lull you into complacency, convincing you this is the best you'll do because of the courts or the laws or the SA. Family law attorneys do not exist to find an expedient, mutually beneficial resolution for anyone; theirs is an industry that thrives by drawing out minor grievances indefinitely, extracting the maximum amount of money out of you, and achieving, by definition, the absolute minimum result. In any other industry, there would be massive government intervention and consumer protection laws to protect you from divorce attorneys.
  

There's a reason divorce attorneys are broadly accepted to be the bottom-feeding b-team of the legal world; they don't have the talent for corporate law or the stomach for criminal law. If you can avoid lawyers, do it.

• Separation agreements aren't worth the paper they're printed on until they are converted to divorce decree. Separation Agreements are civil contracts. Keep this in mind when your feathers get ruffled because your ex skipped town for what was supposed to be your weekend with the kids. Family court won't do shit. Cops don't enforce civil contracts. Judges don't care. But your lawyer will happily bill you $2k to file the complaint.

• Cops are not your friends. More on this later.

*FAQs / Common Themes *

Because men and women have historically fulfilled different gender roles, men are treated differently in divorce. While a majority of women begin divorce believing they are right, most men begin divorce having already accepted that they are wrong. While most women presume the ability to project the role of victim, most men are assumed to be aggressors. Let's stop that shit right here and right now.

First, a little defense

• Prepare. Quietly. Assemble copies of every account, every lien, every tax return, every asset you can. Take dated pictures of your home and its contents. If you can liquidate any accounts - yours, hers or jointly owned - do it now. If you can sell any assets for cash, do it now. This is the same advice given to women, and for good reasons.
  
• Do not leave your home. This equates to abandonment.
• Do not threaten violence. This is stupid and illegal, and will work against you every step of the way. Your recreational weapons will be taken away, town cops will know who you are, and every step from there is downhill.
• Do not talk about divorce until you've decided to file. If you're on the fence, you are leaving the decision to someone else. Believe every poster here - you don't want that.
• Record everything you can. Check your state laws on recording and record every phone conversation, car drive, conversation and interaction you can. This may save your life.
• Do not talk to police. Get used to this thinking, because police are not your friends. They are there to secure convictions against citizens, however thin (or nonexistent) the evidence, at the whim of their overzealous DA. You are an easy target. Do not talk to police. Even with your lawyer present.

Getting on the Offensive

• File First. There are varying opinions, but I learned something when my ex's attorney's filings were always mistakenly filed with me as the "defendant" (I was the one to file for divorce). Most divorces are filed with women as petitioners and men as defendants. When you file first, you call the shots. You get to set the bar, and the defendant gets to backpedal. File first.

• Do not leave your home This seems to have been covered above, but it's important to place here as well. Your STBX may have become combative, made it extremely uncomfortable for you to stay in your marital home. That's OK. Do not be threatened. Your marital home is yours to live in, you do not have to leave because your STBX says so. Your home is your home. IF you've moved out and there is no separation agreement in place, move back in. And stay until you have an SA you agree to. If she assaults you, even mildly, file a police report and get an RO immediately. She'll have to move out of the house and your battle will be 90% won.

• Stand your ground. You don't have to accept separation or divorce. You don't have to accept separation or divorce on her terms. Document everything she does, says, or implies.

• Petition for a restraining order as soon as you can, especially if you think your ex may do the same. You will likely be awarded a temporary RO just for asking. Spell out your fears and her history of violence, however tangential their association with reality. Because once you're on the wrong end of an RO, you are fucked. Get the RO first. This is your instant 2-6 week vacation from your ex. Any violation gets you a 6 month respite from her. Any further violation earns her a criminal record and a 12-month district court RO.

What about the kids?

If you have kids and you separate, you are not going to see them every day anymore. You won't be able to sing them to sleep, hear about their day, play board games at midnight or wake them up with pancakes during the week. This is what divorce is. Your family will be dissolved.

If you play your cards right, you will have at least JOINT CUSTODY and 50/50 PARENTING TIME. This sub does not use the phrase "visitation" because you're not in goddamn prison. If you accept less than JOINT / 50/50, you will never get that time back, and you will never get more than is in your agreement. Family court doesn't care about violations of separation agreements. If she gets residential custody or majority custody, you'll be lucky to see your kids half the time you're entitled to until the agreement is converted (where violations become contempt of court).

sub under construction; thank you for your patience

Other communities - /r/CustodyForFathers