I hope this helps guys understand the mental gymnastics in their Ex-Wife's or STBXW's head.

For the duration of our marriage, I handled our kids' various medical appointments. I was the point person for our kids' pediatrician, dentist, orthodontist, and other medical providers. However, after she filed for divorce, the STBXW informed me that my services in this department (as well as many others) were no longer needed. This way, she can show everyone that she is a super-mom and I was barely a father.

Last month, my STBXW texted me. She was upset that I scheduled a doctor's appointment for our kid in the middle of the day. She told me that the next time I had the audacity to schedule a doctor's appointment in the middle of her workday, I should either take the kid or cancel it myself. She was fed up with missing work because of my inconsiderate, poor planning. This was one of those texts you could hear her yelling in a disrespectfully condescending tone.

I replied that she had scheduled the appointment, not me. She doubled down, insisting that I scheduled the appointment. Luckily, I had proof that she scheduled the appointment and sent her a screenshot of her text where she literally says that she scheduled the appointment. (If I had did not have the screenshot, I would have been accused of gaslighting or having a bad memory) She replied that I am good at finding stuff in my old texts and nothing else.

A week later, I confronted her in person about that exchange. I used I Statements to express my frustration by saying I feel frustrated when she reflexively blames me for many things. I tell her I am upset that she does not acknowledge her mistake or apologize when she is conclusively wrong. I told her that when I am wrong, I admit my mistake and apologize (something I had done in the previous five minutes). Instead, she makes a derisive remark.

She then admitted that I was right before our kids interrupted.

An hour later, I received a text message from her admitting that I was right about the doctor's appointment, that she was wrong to blame me, and that her frustration towards me was inappropriate.

WOW! An actual apology with an admission that she was wrong! This has only happened a handful of times since I've known her. I feel vindicated and heard!

As I reread her text to make sure I did not misunderstand it, I received another text telling me that her frustration stems from her general feelings that I am not sufficiently supportive of her career and her ability to support our kids. She feels that I am not open or curious about her struggles.

Yup, she can avoid any accountability or responsibility while shifting blame to me because I am insufficiently supportive of her career at a point where the divorce is all but finalized. I do not know who told her what divorce was going to look like, but whoever did is an idiot.

So, here is how the mental gymnastics that allow her to avoid accountability and apologies work:

  1. She is frustrated or inconvenienced by something.
  2. She reflexively blames you for that something.
  3. You deny fault.
  4. You provide conclusive evidence that you are not at fault.
  5. She does not acknowledge that she was wrong or apologize, as she blames you for being wrong elsewhere and, therefore, does not feel wrong.
  6. As she does not feel wrong, there is nothing to be accountable for or to apologize for.

She does not feel wrong or the need to apologize because she feels wronged about other things. Facts matter, except when those facts are inconvenient; then, feelings matter because you are to blame for those feelings.

Honestly, this is why so many of my conversations with my therapist begin with "I'm not the crazy one here, right?"