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Confident-Crawdad Archive

View 4 posts and 326 comments by Confident-Crawdad on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
23

Getting StartedConfident-Crawdad/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 04:32 AM
14

Confident-Crawdad/r/Divorce_Men29/12/24 07:58 AM
10

Dealing with the Ex / STBXConfident-Crawdad/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 01:27 PM
5

LawyersConfident-Crawdad/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 12:47 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
4

"Kick him when he's down" used to be how I felt about being ghosted. But then I realized she didn't even know I was depressed. She full on didn't care whether I lived, died or went bowling.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 02:42 AM
1

"Kick him when he's down" used to be how I felt about being ghosted. But then I realized she didn't even know I was depressed. She full on didn't care whether I lived, died or went bowling.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 02:40 AM
1

392 days straight for me, but the streak was broken.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 02:30 AM
1

Nothing you can think of, no matter how you smash your brain against the situation will fix it. You can't fix it. Letting go of that imperative is so hard yet so crucial. It's how you attain the mental peace to go to sleep at night and how you begin to build a new definition of happy.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 04:33 AM
3

I indulge in every food she's allergic to or doesn't like. Laissez les lobster, shrimp and crayfish roulez!
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 02:22 AM
2

Legal separation is a thing. Your finances become completely separate, just like a divorce, but you can file a joint tax return and you stay on each other's insurance as the "spouse" because you're technically still married. To my mind, the only reason to get divorced is if one of you wants to remarry.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/25 10:12 PM
1

Divorce is like she's dead, but can resurrect herself any time she wants. Only she doesn't. That said, death has the ultimate finality to it. No redemption arc, no new chapter, just nothingness.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/25 12:20 AM
1

Ok, so this is apropos of nothing but it hits me deep when I read posts like this and think "And here I got depressed and grumpy for a while and she ghosted me." Meanwhile people are being trapped in rooms, dodging cookware, locking their doors at night and they're still married and still want to work things out.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 10:00 PM
3

Be prepared to force your attorney to use the term "sexist" early and often. Calling them on it is the only defense you have against the court's inherent bias.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 09:38 PM
5

I initially thought she was trying a Hail Mary to shock me into getting help for my depression. Turns out she just didn't care if I killed myself or not.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 08:00 AM
2

Y'know brother, I thought that for a year. If she wanted to join couples counseling and return, I'd take her back in a second. Then she stole my dogs.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 01:54 AM
4

Fuck her because she lied to your face and has hidden the marital assets from you. Lawyer up, file for spousal support and render unto her the same sad story you hear so many men bemoan. Take her lying ass to the cleaners.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/25 10:59 PM
1

She had time to make a list but not time to tell you when it would've helped. Fuck her AND her list. Yeah maybe check for egregious things and become a better person, but it was her obligation to let you know. Oh, and the leaving spouse often has to gaslight themselves so you're 100% the villain. Lawyer up now because it's not going to get better.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/25 10:49 PM
2

My oldest tested like yours. Smart as a whip but little output. I thought of it like she didn't have a learning disability, she had a doing disability. When we tested her for "doing stuff" problems, we found she's quite ADHD with a side of dysgraphia. When we got her to a school with limited homework, she blossomed. Just letting her read the material and take the damn test worked wonders. You might check if your kid has something similar.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 07:25 PM
7

Did you make $400 an hour or something? Because it looks to me like she owes you alimony
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 06:08 PM
2

Thankfully, no
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 10:43 PM
5

I'm curious how it worked out for you guys who were accused of Financial Abuse. What exactly did she do and what, if anything, came of it? I ask because my stbxw has hidden the lion's share of our finances from me for years.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 09:29 PM
5

I wish I didn't, but I do
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 08:38 PM
4

Am I sleep-posting again? Mine ghosted me, filed and still hasn't suggested a division of assets. She stole my dogs and won't say why. It's maddening
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/25 10:07 AM
10

Get selfish. No, really. Get selfish about your life. Is hurting anyone going to improve your life? Will it make you wealthier? Give you more time? Find you new love? No, of course not. So focus on the things that will improve you, that'll make your life better. Which is not to say that if I ever get the opportunity to legally do them dirty I won't take it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 08:40 PM
5

No-fault goes both ways. Imagine you're trying to tell her who she can and cannot see. Can you imagine the level of "Fuck off, asshole, I date who I want," you'd be looking at?
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 01:03 AM
4

It's like she died, but can resurrect herself any time she wants. Yet she doesn't
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 12:42 AM
2

Nice to know I'm not alone.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 12:05 AM
4

I, at least, need a new matrix. A new framework by which to pursue and define happiness. I've heard that meth destroys the pleasure center of your brain until meth is the only thing that brings pleasure. A longterm marriage feels like the same thing. The very metrics, the essential assumptions that we use to define happy vs unhappy suddenly fucking vanish. There is no happiness because the things we used to use to define it no longer exist. Family: gone. Wife: gone. It's not that I have to do so…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 11:35 PM
4

The thing that's helped me the most is realizing no mortal man could ever, ever be what she thinks she needs and/or deserves. That man doesn't exist. Neither Mr Rogers nor Jesus himself could make her happy.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 11:26 PM
3

What's that saying? When you cringe at your past actions it means you've grown as a person.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 08:40 AM
1

Our kids are grown but I'll for sure mention this to my lawyer
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 04:59 AM
1

I'm in Washington and she makes 3x more than me. The only thing she's ever responded to is my petition for spousal maintenance since I have a ton of bills I took on back when we were a "team". Ones I can't keep up with now that she's hiding every facet of her finances from me.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 03:22 AM
3

I have sort of the opposite problem. My stbxw won't do anything. She won't talk about home equity, she won't talk about which cars to keep, what repairs (if any) to do to the house. (As is the place is worth 200-300k$ less than it should). No responses about spousal maintenance, etc. She's just a silent fucking void.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 02:25 AM
2

You rock. Wish I could give more upvotes
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 07:39 PM
4

She makes more than you. You get alimony. You get half your combined retirement and all assets. If you can make up your half of the equity out of your share of everything else, you don't have to sell. It took me months to get to the "fuck her" place, but it's where you have to be. It's strictly business now and you owe it to future-you to get the best deal possible
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 08:12 AM
3

Tell her how you feel in clear, unambiguous terms. If you think counseling will help, insist on it. Divorce should never be a surprise. (Dangerous situations excluded of course)
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 10:29 PM
16

It's not you, brother. No mortal man could be what she thinks she needs/deserves. Perfection isn't good enough. Fuckin' telepathy isn't good enough. She's in a place you can't reach.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 06:55 AM
2

The resources are there, it's just extra steps and the liberal use of the term "sexism"
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 05:04 AM
10

It's galling (and does compel me to see the other side) how every relationship abuse resource assumes it's the woman being abused. Like, the forms will have these types of questions: "Are you being abused/threatened by A: Husband B: Boyfriend C: Father D: Son No option to say "I am the husband and I'm the one being abused.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 02:34 AM
2

Did she then proceed to retcon your entire relationship to recast you as the villian?
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/25 05:12 AM
1

I don't know the name/number of any of her accounts. That's one of the reasons I filed for separation. I wonder if the court will see her $2k/mo payments to our adult daughter as frivolous.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/25 02:33 PM
4

God DAMN do I wish I didn't agree with this
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/25 01:59 AM
2

That it's difficult is a good sign. With counseling and genuine change (maybe from both of you) is there a happy, desirable future with her in it?
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 10:24 PM
14

In late '23 I'd have said she's a good woman. The one who filed in '24 is a cowardly traitor.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 12:24 PM
-1

If she won't commit to counseling and really try to understand and, more to the point, help then you've done all you could. Get your finances as right as possible and document the jobs she turns down.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 01:21 AM
2

Believe nothing she says, only what she does. Only what is signed and registered with the Court
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 09:08 PM
4

Yup. It's hard enough to fight the inherent misandry in the system, you sure's hell don't need it from your own lawyer
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 04:59 PM
10

Amen. It's good to hear that doing the right and civil thing doesn't always screw you
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 05:36 AM
6

I trusted her absolutely. When she set up a savings account hidden from me, I bought the explanation that if I didn't know how much was in it, I wouldn't be tempted to dip into it. Then she got a HELOC on our house, ostensibly for the renovations we'd long planned to do. Then she cut her contributions to our joint checking account by half. Then she just closed it entirely, without telling me. It wasn't until just recently, when she was forced to reveal at least some of our finances that I found …
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 02:36 AM
4

FMLA is your friend.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 02:03 AM
5

Take. Her. To. The. Cleaners. You know who she is now. You know who Your in-laws truly are. They don't deserve compassion leniency or mercy. Every dime, brother. Take every dime you can.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 11:23 PM
1

I'll be choosing to collect every penny I can. More, if they'll let me.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 02:42 PM
1

Wrong dude, but I appreciate the sentiment. In my case, the kids are grown, she makes 3x what I do and we've been married almost 30 years
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 01:27 PM
3

It's what finally convinced me to drop the rose colored glasses and decide it was truly over. She closed our joint account without warning me or telling me afterwards. When I asked to see the full picture of our finances she said "no" right to my face. Okay, then. Guess we'll find out in discovery.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 04:41 AM
7

I'd be bothered that you give a shit.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 02:13 AM
1

I was speaking about the rhetorical 'her' choosing to view the marriage as something horrible. Why would someone do that?
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 12:49 PM
2

Yeah. I kind of understand the need to retcon the whole marriage into something terrible. It makes it easier to let go (or push away). But that time is gone. Why deliberately turn it into something worse than it was? It hurts to remember the good times, it fucking sucks. But it's better than seeing your past as unremittingly terrible.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 04:32 AM
2

This. She's a good person and deserves every chance.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 05:03 AM
6

All women? No The unrepentant bitch who stole my dogs? Absolutely
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 09:30 PM
3

It's gotten so I'm tempted to reply to every post here with "In before Karen"
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 08:01 PM
9

Under the guise of medical care she stole my dogs.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 05:03 AM
3

Yeah, it was good up to that last bit. Being abandoned is an objective fact.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 12:59 PM
3

What I've noticed with my lawyer is that he suffers from what I call "air traffic control syndrome". So much of his work fits a certain pattern that when you present something different, they act like you didn't. I have to constantly remind mine that I filed for legal separation NOT divorce. I live in the marital home, not her. I need spousal support with a quickness, I'm not trying to prevent her from getting any. He responds quickly and cleans up the mistakes but it shows he's hearing what he …
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/25 03:49 AM
3

You don't have to surrender to rage. Or sorrow. Neither of them helps. You'll absolutely feel these emotions, along with so many others. Feel them, let them flow through you and out. Let that clarity guide you.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/25 02:21 PM
5

The court should see through such obvious bullshit and use the last 3 w-2's to calculate her income. They would for a woman, so don't be afraid to play the sexism card. Judges hate to be seen as sexually biased
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 12:57 AM
2

FORCE yourself to get to the gym and be around people. If necessary anywhere to be around people. It won't fix loneliness, but it'll build the foundation of fixing loneliness
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 12:43 AM
2

My brother. It's possible to remain friends but she is no longer your person. No longer will she put your best interests above a distant fourth. She won't take a bullet for you and she's proven herself comfortable and skilled at lying to your face. You don't need to be an asshole. Things don't need to turn ugly. But you need to look out for #1 now. She can no longer come first or future-you will curse today-you forever.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 12:26 AM
9

That and perimenopause, as well as the classic mid-life issues. "Am I achieving the goals I had at 21? Is this life challenging and interesting? I am made of gold and win. My husband is not. Therefore it's time to destroy the life we've built and go do whatever the fuck I want."
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 12:14 AM
0

This. So. Fucking. Tragically. Much. This.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 03:05 AM
9

So, so goddamn many attorneys suffer from air-traffic-control disease. They only, I mean ONLY hear what they expect to hear. And they only gather the information they gathered the last dozen times. My own attorney fucked up two consecutive filings. JFC dude, we've been over this a dozen times. She doesn't live with me, the house is community property, her income is community property and I fucking SURE have a right to see it. These filings make no goddamn sense! We've been over this ten times! W…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 06:51 AM
6

You're certainly not alone. It took a bit for it to hit home but when my wife ghosted me I could've died our dogs could have fucking starved and she didn't give a fuck. She wouldn't have known for weeks. What. The. Actual. Fucking. Fuck.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 04:42 AM
27

Because some women just have to inject that last drop of venom. Fuck 'em
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 07:21 AM
1

You did the best you could with what you had, brother
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 06:35 AM
5

Imagine acting like your opinion is wanted in this sub.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 11:09 PM
1

You should cross post this to r/Divorce because women will benefit, too. If you're mindful of what's going on you can cut off the negative spiral
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 03:58 PM
8

Couples. Therapy. Now.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 12:00 AM
5

It can sure feel like it, brother. I felt it for a year. Then the incidents of her screwing me over began to pile up and I took off the rosy glasses. Now I realize I can't take her back. She's like Old Yeller, I love her but I can't trust her anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 04:53 AM
9

You're describing my STBXW to a T. It didn't help that we were both in the middle of major depressive episodes, so seeing everything in the most negative light possible was her default. Yet even now, when presumably she's been in therapy a while and out from the "bad" environment, she'll take a completely neutral interaction and obsess over it, for eight freakin' months before saying anything to me about it. Which leaves me with no hope to explain or anything as she's been nurturing her narrativ…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 12:27 AM
7

There's something deeper that she's using the alleged SA to hide.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 03:49 AM
1

Amen. You gotta do what you gotta do
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 01:07 AM
2

Trazodone helped me. If I can still my thoughts for just a moment, suddenly it's tomorrow morning.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 12:10 AM
3

Your plans ought to include a clear, no-nonsense sit down with her, including a plea to go into couples therapy. Absent ongoing abuse, divorce should never come as a surprise.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 12:04 AM
5

Can't let the bastards win. Me, I'm going to take my half and buy a condo in Hawaii.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 02:31 AM
4

Nah. She wouldn't treat a stranger this way. Telling her 'no' sure didn't prevent it. Hormones, her own inner demons, neuroses, consciously focusing on the negative...whatever the causes, she's a different and much worse person than just a few years ago.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 11:53 PM
11

It's been 13 months since she ghosted me. Only on the anniversary did I peel away the blinders and realize it doesn't matter who had more or who had less influence on the breakdown of our relationship. What matters now is how she's treated me. I couldn't take her back now, knowing how easily she can lie, how casually she just vanished. It's frightening to realize that for months I slept next to someone I'd have taken a bullet for while she absolutely wouldn't have done the same for me.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 11:30 PM
2

You aren't alone and you don't have to gaslight yourself about how bad the marriage was or even how big your part in the downfall was. The good times can remain good. Just don't lose focus on the now. Or on the future. Use the former to set up the latter.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 02:24 AM
1

Building model planes or cars, woodworking, whittling, tying your own flies, that kind of thing.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 05:53 AM
2

I'm still a wreck, but focusing close on a detailed hobby at least makes a couple hours go away
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 05:28 AM
7

Look at the way she's been treating you in the way your best friend would. No rose colored glasses, no desperate desire to have again what used to be. Just the bald truth of right now.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 12:01 AM
4

You're by no means alone, brother. I'm in a Thai restaurant "celebrating" the one year anniversary of her "Dear John" email. It does get better, that intense electrocuted feeling gets less all consuming. You can do things you couldn't before, but yeah 365 straight days with tears in my eyes
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 09:25 PM
1

I'm not sure about removing a joint account holder, but in Washington you can absolutely close the account without even informing the other person.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 02:54 PM
6

Have you had a sit-down with her? Clearly stating your situation and needs. Absent abuse, nobody deserves to be blindsided
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 01:28 AM
4

Take it. Press for all you can get. There's no wife and no husband anymore, just two genderless business interests. The people who won't advocate for themselves are like poor people who won't accept any assistance while corporations have entire departments dedicated to getting more.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 02:20 PM
5

Happy Sock Day!
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 11:27 PM
6

I can't figure out if she did me a favor making it so easy to lose attraction to her
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 03:21 AM
12

Congratulations, brother. She's lost all her power over you
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/25 06:11 AM
2

Don't marry her. Simple.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/25 05:55 AM
1

It's the *time* factor to me. Doing all the things I took on as a homeowner, a father and a husband left damn little time....especially *guilt-free* time to do things for myself. I'm not entirely sure how you can have it all in a system with 24 hour days and 40 hour workweeks.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 06:50 PM
18

She didn't break you, brother. She played herself. There was a time I'd have taken a bullet for my STBXW. Not anymore. Now she has nobody who'd do that for her, no one who cares that deeply for her and it's all her doing. Sounds a lot like where you are. She didn't break me, she just opened my eyes.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/25 03:46 PM
7

Don't let her push you out of the house. She lied to your face for years. No attempt to fix things, no honest sit-down. She just shined you on. That kind of duplicity doesn't deserve your kindness.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 04:09 AM
1

Yup. And then one day it's yanked from under you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 10:49 PM
7

Men tend to make their wives and family into the context by which they define happiness
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 03:18 AM
2

That's interesting. I'm a husband who makes 1/4 of what my wife does. It hasn't always been this way, but early on in our marriage we had a deliberate talk about our ambitions, needs and general financial plan. My field is one that has job openings everywhere. It doesn't pay like hers can, but it's steady. Considering the potential in her field (This is 1996-97) we agreed that she'd be the one to take risks and to reach for the brass ring. Over time, she did just that. We've moved three times, a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 09:21 PM
19

Every week she avoids and delays, you add another addendum to financially ruin her. Firstly with alimony, then her retirement, then whatever else you fancy. If she refuses to engage, the court will rule against her in absentia.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 01:09 AM
2

Counseling. 14 years is a lot of time to throw away. Then, if you still have to leave, nobody's surprised by it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 12:22 PM
1

You sound a lot like me. There's no damn way I could have been so enlightened 20 years ago to say and do all the right things. But she's still mad at me for it. Blames me for making her small, taking her life from her and she cannot see that every life path closes the door on others. If she'd decided to focus entirely on her career, never had kids and spent the last few years traveling Europe, she'd be looking at couples and families together. Holding hands, playing in the park and she'd be wond…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 12:34 AM
7

You give this 56 year old hope.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 12:25 AM
8

It gets better, brother. I'm at exactly one year since she ghosted me. It wasn't until just a couple days ago that she finally, at last spoke her truth. What she really wants out of life and why she's so fucking angry at me. (Also that she is, in fact, angry) While the causes hurt, they're irrelevant to today. Today her bucket list and mine are fundamentally incompatible. She wants to travel, like almost a live abroad situation, but hopping all over Europe, SA and Africa. Me, I want a place on a…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/25 07:58 PM
7

It's been weird. I look back at our marriage and she was honestly damn good. Cuddly, funny, loving, trustworthy, ambitious, everything I wanted. But the way she left...holy shit. She couldn't have been more cowardly, more disrespectful and cruel. It makes me wonder if this evil bitch was in there the whole time?
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 12:44 AM
1

Oh, I've every intention of getting my share. Thing is, that's a future-me thing. These bills are going to bounce next week. I need that money now. Our 30th anniversary will be this August. I'm due oodles of alimony, which I will get. But my credit score is how I start my new life. I need to protect it at all costs.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 01:39 AM
1

I disagree in that if she wants to change, therapy can help with how.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 12:55 AM
5

This. Don't let yourself down. Future you will be pissed if you don't insist on receiving your due
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 01:33 AM
5

This. If it's broke, I fix it. Gutters? Me Fallen trees/debris? Me Heavy object? I carry it. Trash? Always me Yard? Me Dinner? 80% of the time I make it happen. (Either I cook or go fetch something) Need a thing from the store? I go get it. Chop wood? Me Split and stack? Me again Make the fire? 80% me Take care of two big dogs? Me...from food to vet/groomer visits But I don't do anything around the house
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 10:15 PM
8

The phrase "Like nailing Jello to a tree" comes to mind
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 09:11 PM
10

It's ironic (is irony the right term?) that I'm supposed to show her empathy and grace for the hormonal changes she's going through and the unavoidable personality alterations that come with it. While at the same time, she's using my recent depressive episode as justification for ghosting me.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 06:04 PM
2

You close the joint accounts, move out without saying where and leave your spouse trying to pay 2 paychecks worth of bills.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 05:27 PM
9

In my experience it was her pathological fear/avoidance of rocking the boat. Inculcated into her by society at the time she was growing up. She'd rather self-delete than have a frank conversation. She almost did self-delete. She got so wound up, so anxious and emotionally frayed...eating her emotions, crying to the dog...that she became avoidant of *me*. At that point we had no chance. My depressed ass wasn't picking up any hints and her avoidance consumed her to the point she just up and didn't…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 08:03 PM
1

Sadly, it's a headspace I've had to get to myself. Even if she answered, could I believe her? Even if she wanted to reconcile, can I trust her with my life like I once did? I mean, she went from a pretty girl I wanted to get to know to being the mother of my kids, my best friend, lover, most trusted person on Earth, so it's possible for her to earn it back, but I seriously doubt she's motivated to put in the effort.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 02:21 PM
1

Whether or not it's objectively true, if you fear for your safety, GTFO and let the chips fall once you're safe.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 06:53 AM
6

Consider for how long she lied to you. To your face. In bed sleeping next to you. Someone who not only is capable of that, but who has no remorse over having done it? You're so much better off without her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 12:41 AM
3

And it should never come as a surprise. (Obviously cases of abuse are excepted)
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 12:18 AM
4

Deletion isn't the answer. The thing to realize is that therapists have only ONE person they're concerned with. The don't give fuck one about you, your kids, her parents...only her. If the relationship causes inner strife, then the marriage must go. Once that point is reached she'll convince herself of anything to justify it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 07:26 PM
2

If she knows in frank, uncertain terms that your needs aren't being met and that you feel like she does things deliberately to belittle you, it's time to go. You only get the one life, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 04:35 PM
1

My bad, I thought she was in possession of the car.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 07:05 AM
2

Hello, me! Minus the couples counseling. My lawyer told me that you can fulfill the obligations to "serve" someone by making a good faith attempt to find out where they are. If it fails, serve at the last known address and put a public notice in the local newspaper. There, you've done your legal duty and you can talk the judge into giving you as much as you can get. She'll automatically fail anything that'd ordinarily be contested. Get 'er done as soon as you possibly can. If you want to be gene…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 03:27 AM
1

Must be a different CBT
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 05:27 AM
7

Just me and the dawgs. I'll be reading r/HFY stories and playing bg3
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 06:33 PM
3

I hear you. My wife put a divorce lawyer on retainer in January of '24, then ghosted me in March. No communication until a Dear John letter in April. The thing that still galls me is how 34 years can suddenly mean jack-diddly-shit. She didn't even give me the courtesy and respect she'd give an employee. I'm mad, sad and so bitterly disappointed.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 08:46 PM
2

This, my brother. Don't settle for anything less than your due. One way or another, get thyself a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 08:08 PM
5

I can relate in a way, except mine doesn't want to move back in yet wants to keep the house once we split...somehow. Of course you already know not to move out, no matter what she does or says.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 10:14 PM
2

It's difficult when your family has been the context by which you define your life for years and then click it's gone. I know I've never had such a complete lack of anyone to talk to, anyone to share things with. Yeah you gotta be cool with yourself, find things you like for your own enjoyment, your own sense of accomplishment. This is true, but at the root, humans are gregarious critters. We need other people to interact with. Rebuilding that in your 40's-50's ain't easy.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 06:29 AM
5

I get that the woman I married isn't here anymore, but dammit it's been 35 years. Can she not be civil? Polite? Do the standard stuff everyone does to get along in society? What the hell happens in her head?
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 04:25 AM
1

It's your house too. She can leave if she has such a problem being around you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 11:32 PM
4

That's where a good therapist is key. It's not easy to be ruthlessly realistic about yourself. Confront all the shortcomings you want to fix, some may not even be the reason your spouse left but they've been on your mind. At the same time, you have to give yourself some grace, some forgiveness. Almost nobody is 100% a dick and nobody's 100% an angel. We're all fallible humans. Accepting that about yourself is the gateway to ongoing improvement.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 11:19 PM
5

It's bizarre because my stbxw used to use the quote that a spouse can't compete with a lover. You only see the AP when they want to be seen. When they're well dressed, when they're healthy and focused entirely on you. Meanwhile you see your spouse when they're sick and grumpy, when they have morning breath that qualifies as a war crime, when they're sad and vulnerable just like they see you. How someone can know this and still leave is mindboggling.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 10:04 PM
3

In my case I didn't get the hints because the whole reason she became unhappy is that I dropped into major depression and couldn't see them. She says she spent many a night crying by herself and I'm here thinking "Do you actually think that if I saw you crying, I'd be unmoved?" When things aren't right it is your responsibility to communicate that. By communicate I mean the full concept, not just looking pouty or dropping hints but ensuring you're being understood. Every human so far has failed …
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 09:55 PM
5

In my situation I'm doing the things I'd ordinarily do. Christmas present, V day card, etc. We're still married so I'm going to act like it. Now she'll have to take the situation by the horns and make a decision. Meanwhile I'm getting in shape, going to therapy, making myself into the me I want to be. I'm totally not ready to date so it really doesn't matter if I'm married or not. Someday it will, at which point I'll pull the trigger myself.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 05:55 AM
3

There are vast swathes of my music collection I can't even *think* about, much less listen to.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 09:23 PM
17

The phrase "porn addiction" gets thrown around a lot. Often when the behavior described comes nowhere near an actual addiction. If anyone else; wife, pastor...anyone, is arrogant enough to think they have a say in what I look at and whether I jack off, they'll be shown the door with a quickness.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/25 05:04 AM
2

It wasn't so much the lockdown, we were already working from home. It was the emotional toll, stress and pressure. We both began to slide into depression and by late 2023 we were both circling the drain.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 05:52 PM
3

On the plus side, depending on how long you've been together, your wife has made a catastrophically bad financial decision.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 06:40 PM
1

Thank you to everyone who suggested a dumpster. Sadly I live in the middle of nowhere and can't get one. I suppose I could get a U-Haul truck and treat it like a mobile dumpster
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 11:55 PM
1

This. Are the fees steep?
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/24 08:46 PM
2

For us, the six-figure stuff will be the farm and her retirement. But where I'm stuck is the physical items. There's thirty years worth of shit here. Much more than I want to deal with by hand. Splitting it up monetarily is the easy part, actually removing the stuff is the difficulty.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/24 08:32 AM
6

Well, yeah. At the end I'm taking my half and moving to Hawaii. It's the nuts and bolts between here and there that confound me.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/24 08:07 AM
1

I'd suggest being with your boy every chance you get. Your stbxw can fuck all the way off, it's about your son.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/24 07:13 AM
3

If it's any consolation, you're by no means alone. In our case, I was too depressed to see how she was struggling and she was too depressed to see how far down I had spiraled. So instead of talking to me, insisting we get counseling or making some clear attempt to communicate, she just bailed.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 02:00 PM
4

I partially agree. I don't think it's merely being female, but her own specific anxieties and neuroses that make being happy long-term impossible for many walkaway wives. For example, I could never load the dishwasher "correctly" despite loading it in an objectively efficient manner. She could never describe what "correct" was because it changed with every iteration. She blamed me for giving up on the task. After separating, her therapist helped her see that she's got a form of OCD that gives he…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 06:32 AM
1

Me too
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 08:39 AM
2

The way I'm looking at it is I have a 1-2 year side hustle that'll pay me $100k to $200k once it's over. I upgrade and renovate the house and when it's as shiny as can be, I'll file and take my hapf.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 07:36 AM
2

"...court clerk circle jerk..." Such a perfect phrase to describe it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 01:25 PM
1

Aye. Did you also have to just pick a time and cram food down your gullet?
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 05:20 AM
5

You can't ever, ever, ever let your kids think you gave up on being their Dad.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 06:27 AM
8

Deliberately excluding you like that? I'd find a way to serve her on the trip and her shit would be in the yard.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 05:55 AM
7

March 11th of this year. After 28 years of marriage and 34 years together, she ghosted me. The last thing she said to me was on the 11th. "V busy". If I were totally honest, I had a sense of foreboding before then but no damn idea she'd do what she did. I still can't wrap my head around it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 03:58 AM
3

Southern Louisiana, before it disappears.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 01:59 AM
3

Good on ya, brother. The thing to remember is that you don't want to be the spineless asshole future you curses every day. Insist on what you're entitled to. Half of everything, spousal support and 50/50 custody. In my case, she makes almost 4 times what I do. But the reason for that is a decision we both made (and she doesn't remember) that I'll take lesser money, I'll be a SAHD, I'll move the kids, myself and get us all set up in the new location in order to further her career. Like most bread…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 02:49 AM
2

Go for it, brother. Live the dream for those of us who can't.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 05:23 PM
12

It's bizarre how this exact scenario plays out over and over. What is it that prevents so many women from just talking to us? No hints, no innuendos no silent cues we're supposed to pick up on. Plain. Fucking. English. It's really easier to lie and gaslight and betray the man who's stood by you, supported and loved you? Come on, no one's that evil are they?
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 06:09 PM
1

Well, that sucks. I know for a fact my stbxw has hidden accounts.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 05:51 PM
1

Tell your lawyer to draw up papers and serve her ass
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 04:45 AM
1

Until the forensic accountant finds it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 02:56 AM
4

Don't you love it when she obsesses about some random thing like the dishes yet is completely blind to all the other things you do? Yeah, I don't load the dishwasher in the exact way your OCD brain wants it done. But every time the garbage gets taken out it's me who does it, 90% of dinners happen because of me, every time you need something from the store, I'm the one who fetches it. But I'm the sucky spouse who deserves to be ghosted because I got tired of doing the dishes "wrong".
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 02:32 AM
7

It's bizarre how they gaslight themselves.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/24 10:01 PM
5

My wife ghosted me in March, filed in April and I was served on 4/12. She didn't say shit to me for two months. In your case, lawyer up with a swiftness. She can ask for your balls on a popsicle stick, doesn't mean she'll get it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/24 01:08 AM
3

Ironically, that's my stbxw's problem. She can't feel loved, so she discounts every good thing and dwells on all the bad. A good therapist can help you rediscover your worth. It's essential if you plan to date again. You'll only hurt her if you don't get well.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/24 02:27 AM
3

As I understand it, you're not separated tax wise until the divorce is final
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/24 02:16 AM
5

I'm having all the crustaceans to which she's allergic. But that's just a palliative. These next holidays sans family are going to suck, no two ways about it
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/24 02:13 AM
4

It's a sad surprise to learn how materialistic kids can be. My youngest went no-contact because I dared to insist on spousal support, which threatened her gravy train from mumsy. How sharper than a serpent's tooth, indeed
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 04:17 AM
5

Yep. You can support and care for her through pregnancies, menopause, a hysterectomy and back injuries yet when you get sick, when you suffer from depression it's "So long, sucker! My attorney will be in touch."
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 03:22 AM
2

In my case it was twelve days. She signed on 4/1 and I was served on 4/12. The holiday might have some influence, I'm not sure if process servers get holidays.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 06:48 PM
4

Did they actually say "female judge" out loud? If so, shitcan your lawyer with a swiftness and get one with a spine. One who knows that sexism cuts both ways.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 01:47 PM
2

Hm. So there's a maximum that can be going into her retirement and it's nowhere near the difference between her net income and direct deposits. There's definitely a hidden account somewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 07:17 PM
2

Thanks! I didn't think of that
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 05:52 PM
2

I figure that's what I'll have to do also. We file jointly and from her w2, there's a lot more left after taxes than shows up in our joint account. So either she's got invisible accounts or her retirement contributions are off the chart.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 04:27 PM
2

My stbxw makes 3x what I do and has shifted 3/4 of her direct deposits into an account (or accounts) that I can't see. Is there a way to force her to show me? I assume not given your advice about stockpiling green, folding money.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 10:11 AM
6

Being disrespected and stabbed in the back just isn't a positive experience. At least not until some years down the road.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 04:53 AM
1

Heh, yeah. What if it was Groundhog Day but there was no magic combination of self discovery and compassion that ended it? What if the person who hates you most in this world was in charge of that. How would that be?
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 04:34 AM
1

Therapist's are paid for you to bleed on. And give you advice on how to staunch the flow. You're definitely not alone. There's hundreds of us here with a similar amount of time spent on a marriage that got blown up. The better off you can make yourself, the more time with your kids you can petition the court to grant.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 01:56 AM
9

It's the duplicity. Lying and lying every day right to your face. Which apparently is easier than having a mature conversation.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/24 06:51 PM
5

Hey, brother. You're already ahead of the game fitness wise. Just pick up some strength training (any kind will do) and a bit of cardio. If you live in any fairly large metro area you'll be hip-deep in women. The best way to get over the last one is to start dating the next one. What you have to remember, difficult as it is, is that the kind of person who'll do this to you is scum. She's not worth it. Whoever she was, she ain't no more. Build good memories with someone new. Someone who appreciat…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 01:14 AM
3

Man, that last part is so crucial but so hard. "Why" will kill you, but it's the one question that most dominates your thoughts. We're humans and we need to know, we need to find the pattern. But there isn't one, not one we can trust. Even if she tells you flat out, can you believe her? Just letting go of that whole psychic shitshow has to happen, regardless of how difficult it is.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 02:35 PM
1

Agreed. It's cliche but you really do only live once.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 11:37 PM
4

Yup. A life well lived. You have to accept that everything she says now is self-serving bullshit. It's just her gaslighting herself and hoping you buy into it too. Protect future you. Protect your kids. The contradictions between words and actions are the proof of the pudding as it were. If she meant it, she would do it. She'd follow through. You'll probably never know what happened. Walkaway spouses are cowardly sacks of shit. (Obviously excepting cases of abuse) That's a bitter pill to swallow…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 02:07 PM
3

People think they're unique but in this they may as well be turned out in the millions by Hasbro
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 05:54 AM
2

Horse>water, right? I don't want it either but I can't force her, y'know?
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 02:04 AM
1

Sorry to see you had to put in all that effort. When the time comes for me, I'm taking only my own things to storage and hiring an estate sale company to come and clear everything else out as if the two of us had died in a car accident or something. Then I move back in with very few things and proceed to finish the maintenance/upgrades and yard work necessary to polish the place for sale. I look at it as a side hustle that'll make me between $100k and $200k over a couple years.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 02:49 PM
8

You only get the one trip. Make it a wild one
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 02:38 AM
2

You just described my stbxw who was both shocked and offended to learn she'll be owing me alimony for many years. Outside of child support and custody, the court doesn't give fuck one who has what gender. The court cares about finances. Whoever earns more will get boned. Simple as that. And it will never change.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 02:37 AM
7

You'll be on the hook for some amount of alimony, but you should be able to limit the length and amount based on the income she can easily make by putting 100% into her business. Yeah, you can "lose" a ton of cash in Vegas, but it may not be worth looking over your shoulder about it. Up to you. By all means let her reap what she's sown. No insurance, no help moving, no emotional connection, nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 02:02 AM
2

Agree to disagree.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 04:39 AM
6

Of course, just as you're free to say "Don't let the door hit you". IMO that's some seriously overbearing, control-freak behavior. Better to find out she wants to control your mind sooner rather than later.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/24 12:11 AM
7

My dudes, it's your peen. If you want to beat it, she's got zero say. Same thing with what you choose to read and the images you choose to look at. You're well shut of such a woman.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 08:21 PM
4

I'm going to make every dish she's allergic to, every one her family thinks is too spicy and all the weird, complicated ones I couldn't do in a crowded kichen.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 04:40 AM
4

As a child of divorce myself, I hope you're telling your kids in clear language that you do want them. You'd like nothing better than more time with them. But sometimes loving something means letting it go.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 03:09 AM
2

Your only fault, if you need to say you have one, is in trying to build that good family with the wrong person.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 02:30 AM
2

How did I miss this comment? So much YES! Her criteria for a house was ten acres, minimum, affordable, good schools, quiet and pretty. So I found a fucking national park with a stream, 11 acres of woods, some of it second-growth from 1900, good schools, quiet and an established apple/apricot/plum/quince orchard with wild huckleberries, wild mushrooms and our own 1/2 acre blueberry field. We bought it in 2015 and now she wants civilization and pizza delivery. JFC
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 02:27 AM
3

She's retconning her life to make it easier on herself. My own stbxw is doing the same thing.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 09:59 PM
5

Setting and enforcing personal boundaries is crucial to a good relationship. Something I wish my stbxw had done. If you still value your marriage my suggestion is to tell her your issues in clear, unambiguous language. Insist on couples counseling. If she rejects those requests, file that day.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 12:42 PM
2

Especially if she went cold turkey
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 12:37 PM
3

You've done what you can, been clear and honest, I assume you've suggested or even insisted she get therapy and she's not even trying. You gotta do what you gotta do. Now you can do it with honor.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 05:47 AM
6

At some point we have to accept that love can't heal their inability to feel loved.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 12:16 AM
3

It's likely a forlorn hope, but if you feel that you can't honor your marriage properly without one last try, what's to stop you? Go for it. Either way you can be at peace.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 05:20 AM
9

Of course you deserve an explanation. Sadly you'll never get one that you can believe. At this point there's no reason to believe a single thing she says.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 05:03 AM
6

I hear you on the loneliness. After six months I still miss that sense of her presence . But, as far as food goes. I can cook anything I like, no consideration for allergies or anyone else's tastes. Just mine. And for a single guy, it's still pretty cheap to eat well. Around here a single lobster tail is $6.99. Tri-tip is $7.99/lb. I can do a surf&turf for less than $15. Just surf or turf for under $10. Jambalaya (with real andouille, thank you) Gumbo (no fucking okra), it's weird cooking solely…
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 09:30 PM
1

I don't know about living through them, but for 34 years my definition of happiness has existed in the context of my wife and family. Well, the kids are grown and she's ghosted me. That whole life-matrix is shattered and now what?
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 09:16 PM
3

Yes. She really twisted the knife a couple weeks ago when she said she's been waiting around for someone to love her. I'm thinking "Well what the fuck have I been doing for the last 34 years?" Whatever it is it hasn't gotten through. So yeah, I hope she and her therapist can figure it out to where she can feel loved.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 01:38 AM
2

Because the positive feedback was enthusiastic and recent. "I was going back through our text history and there are lots of instances where she'd text me from work or wherever the day after we had sex and say stuff like 'that sex yesterday was fire/bomb/amazing/hot, many different adjectives used. This isn't that long ago." And now it's bad, eh? With no intervening feedback about that? Riiiiight. She's rewriting their history for her own psychic benefit. IE: Gaslighting
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 05:04 PM
4

Luckily, she's stupid enough to do it out loud. Which gives you a chance to set everything up like you want before you file. Move your direct deposits somewhere she can't see, pay off as many of your credit cards as you can, document and record your conversations with her, etc. Once you're good to go, file. Enjoy the look of surprise on her face when she answers the door and there's a process server standing there.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 04:31 PM
1

When years worth of feedback says the opposite. Gaslighting like that is a classic narcissistic ploy.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 03:25 PM
1

My stbxw and I are keeping the house in both our names until we finish the repairs and renovations that'll maximize our profit when we sell. That gives us a 2-3 year buffer to figure things out while we each work to make our biggest piece of wealth into a glowing jewel of real-estate desire.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 05:43 AM
8

She's already processed it, brother. She's a year or more ahead of you. Don't dwell on how long she lied to and gaslighted you. That way lies madness. Just lawyer up, keep what you're entitled to, remain Dad-plus and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 05:24 AM
10

People gaslight themselves. As another poster said, they need to feel like the hero. That said, it's still incredibly frustrating when suddenly they retcon your life as though you're a moron with the memory of a flea.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 08:28 PM
1

You aren't alone in that desire. Thing is, as far as your relationship is concerned, you *are* alone in that desire.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 12:57 PM
3

Yup. Either get busy living or...you know the rest of the quote.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 12:50 PM
2

+10 for the Missile Command reference
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 07:54 PM
12

I learned that you can't make someone feel loved. You can do loving things, say loving things but if she doesn't believe herself worthy of love, she'll never feel it. She'll also blame you, and therefore have no problem gaslighting you for months before ripping your heart out.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 12:55 AM
1

What are good exercises to get cut, not necessarily large just defined if you're unable to get to a gym regularly? I live in the O in the middle of Nowhere and have to use body weight and a couple kettlebells.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/24 11:12 PM
5

Hello darkness my old friend...
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/24 02:51 AM
3

And don't beat yourself up. They say it's unfair to judge a fish by his ability to climb trees. She's changed and is no longer the woman you married, she's become a tree while you're still a fish. It's entirely possible that you're the world's most outstanding fish, so what you need is a woman who desires the things fish are good at.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 03:03 PM
11

Dude. We all know people change and the person you divorce isn't the person you married.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 03:40 AM
4

Wait until her inner gaslight comes on and you become the worst thing to ever slither up out of hell.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 05:54 PM
0

You do you, my man. My wife and I get along incredibly well in every way but sex. We're trying out a thing that's whatever the opposite of 'friends with benefits' is. A permanent hall pass for each of us, with the understanding that should one of us fall in love and want to remarry, divorce will then proceed. Meantime we have fun together, renovate our house, travel and be each other's person as regards medical care and such.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 06:02 AM
4

Mine, with gleeful defiance said "I'm not shaving anywhere!
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/24 08:13 PM
3

Haha! No, but I used to live up that way and that whole side of the 14 is deserted at night. Or was, when I was there.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 05:19 AM
7

Go up toward Santa Clarita. Get off the 14 to the right, go a couple miles pick a spot and camp. No one will bug you 'till morning.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 05:00 AM
5

This. Alimony isn't just for females. The way to think of it is that everything earned and amassed during the marriage was accomplished by a single entity. When that entity undergoes mitosis the financial prospects of each part are made as equal as possible, for as long as is equitable in the eyes of the law.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 06:40 AM
1

If there'd been any warning, if she'd just said something clearly and directly, we'd have been in counseling and I'd have been on meds and in therapy months sooner. But instead of that, she just stewed and brooded until one day she want on a business trip and didn't come back. Ghosted me and destroyed a 29 year marriage that had been "True Love" good up until Covid.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 06:18 AM
2

It'd be so incredibly arrogant to take full responsibility for HER actions. She's got agency too, does she not? No mortal is the perfect, flawless spouse. It's not a thing. Assuming all responsibility and setting yourself up to *have to be* the perfect spouse is a recipe for failure and anguish. Not only for yourself, but for whoever you end up dating afterwards. Allow yourself to be a mortal, flawed human being and accept that she's going to be one, too.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 05:39 AM
2

Excellent advice
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 05:17 AM
3

Of course if he's a telepath he'll get all those subtle clues. The rest of us need to be informed in clear, blunt terms.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 02:42 AM
13

Oof. Damn, man. I'm sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 01:07 AM
1

Yeah. I'm thinking if nobody filed anything and nobody signed anything, the state will conclude you're just as married as you ever were.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 01:05 AM
1

Was it a legal separation or did you just begin to live apart?
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 04:03 PM
13

It's not physically possible for any mortal to hit it in ways she never let me hit it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 03:26 AM
4

First, get it directly from your sons. Sit them down and talk. If she isn't receptive to counseling, get yourself into therapy alone if you have to. You're only a couple years older than me, you can get through this and come out stronger on the other side. You can show your boys how to overcome adversity and the curveballs life throws. Stay with it, stay here among the living. Don't pursue a permanent solution to a temporary problem. We're here if you need to talk/vent/bitch/crow in triumph.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 04:13 AM
6

This. Nurses make good money, get the court to force her to go out and be a nurse.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 02:25 AM
1

Seconded. Severe depression cost me my marriage. But when the rug was pulled it made me take a good look at myself and accept that I needed help. Therapy and medication has me moving around, taking care of the house, my health and my appearance. It still sucks. I still cry almost every day and rage like a madman the other days. But it's slowly getting better, I'm slowly figuring out who I want to be outside the context of marriage. It'll take a while but we'll get there, brother. Keep pushing, k…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 10:55 PM
4

As you get older you come to realize you don't have a "Next of kin". There's no one to make decisions for you when you're unable to. Certainly no one you trust with your life. It's a powerful reason to make a GF/BF relationship into a marriage. It's sure as hell something I find myself thinking about here on the tree farm alone.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 09:49 PM
1

Are you sure she isn't just suffering form post-partum depression? I mean, if the marriage is crap in every other sense, both before and after her pregnancy, you've got a point. But it's counterproductive to hold PPD against her if that's what's going on.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 06:31 PM
1

Oof. The end of your second paragraph. That's one of those things counseling helps with. How to tell your partner something so they hear what you *mean* to say. Making you feel like a rapist because of her own insecurities is either incredibly low or a total communications failure.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 06:28 PM
7

I'm having salmon, smoked turkey breast and every crustacean she's allergic to.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 05:16 AM
4

I'm right there with you, man. It sucks beyond comprehension. You thought she was your person, your ride-or-die 'till death do us part and she's like "Nah. Get bent." All you can do is plow ahead, become the best you possible. (As defined by you alone, which is nice) Grieve what could have been, grieve that she'll never see this version of you but don't let that stop you. There's a woman out there who deserves you and you'll be the man she deserves.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 03:00 AM
4

However low the odds might be, there's still a chance if you both want there to be.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 04:17 PM
8

I'm in pretty much the same place. She filed, rescinded and now we're just "separated". Okay, for how long? She doesn't know. What are the ground rules? She doesn't know. Well, I'm sure's hell not filing, we have 34 years worth of stuff here, we've got intermingled finances and investments that'll be a huge hassled to untangle. If she wants it, she's going to have to make it happen. Otherwise, I'm fine acting like I'm single and living in our home. She can do whatever she wants, I don't care. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:15 AM
2

Amen to that, brother
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:09 AM
3

I've found that one big sausage will make two meals. Cube it into pasta sauce or stew. Cut it down the middle and saute some bell peppers, onions, garlic and basil. Varying your vegetable/fruit portion can make the same old-same old seem interesting again.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 03:57 AM
5

You're not alone, mate. I'm 56, looking down the same shitty tunnel. I thought I'd teach my grandkids how to fish here. Build family traditions in this house and gradually turn it into a home worthy of the location. But no. 34 years down the drain and I don't know who the fuck this cruel person is. The woman I married would bitch-slap the one who ghosted me. All we can do is move forward, become better versions of ourselves and let our revenge be a life well lived. Most of the doors I closed whe…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 10:57 PM
4

"Walkaway wife"...you keep using that term. You were in couples therapy with her, hearing her speak in clear, direct words right? That's not a walkaway wife scenario as I understand it. Maybe I don't grok the idea in fullness, but from what I've read with a walkaway spouse, the one being left has no idea it's coming. No direct communication, no therapy, no warning at all outside of hints and suggestions that are allegedly obvious but in reality are anything but.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 03:26 PM
2

My friend, you are the wife in this situation. You should get alimony and child support. Your cavalier attitude toward money does your *children* no service. YOU many not care about money, but THEY sure as hell have needs to meet, aye? If you're too noble and stuck in martyr land to care for yourself, care for them. Put it all into a college fund and wear crab shells and palm fronds, but get it.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 12:24 PM
1

I agree. That's where I'm at. Looking up the location of an address to me is just idle curiosity. Going there and lurking around or sending someone to follow her is where we hit 'stalker' behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 01:57 PM
1

Just happened to notice multiple charges at one particular Starbucks. The address was in the description of the charge. Like so: "$50 at Starbucks location (address) (town)" The only intentional thing I did was to put that address into Maps. I didn't go there, I didn't send anyone, I've done nothing with the information.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 03:28 PM
3

Amen to that. The thing about depression is how fucking sneaky it is. Everything seems like your own idea, but when you're forced to take a step back and see things objectively you're like "Holyshit! That's fucked up."
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 09:31 PM
1

Eh. I don't buy it but I see your point. I learned everything from the bank statement, Town, address, time of day. It's impossible to not do the math
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 04:55 AM
1

As it turns out she withdrew the petition. It may only be temporary but I'll take what I can get
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 04:51 AM
6

Not me. But I'm just one guy.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 04:41 AM
1

I'm glad you're gradually getting peace. In my case, we haven't gotten to division of assets yet. I still live in our marital home with our two dogs and one cat. The place needs some deferred maintenance finished up and both of us have to communicate on what we'll do first, second, etc. But all of that is irrelevant to the original question. The only thing I actively looked up was a visual map of the address for that Starbucks. I already knew everything else. As we agree, it doesn't cross to 'cr…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 05:12 PM
0

Hence my question. The only information I didn't have from the bank statement (which, I hope we all agree, is well within my rights to go over) is a visual map of where that coffee shop is. I knew the town and address from the bank statement.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 05:07 PM
1

The kids are grown, no worries there. As it turns out, she withdrew her petition and we're still married, just separated. My curiosity was naturally piqued at seeing $100/month being spent (probably card top-ups) at this one specific Starbucks.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 05:06 PM
1

I told her. Basically "Hey, there's a bunch of charges at this Starbucks. It's the same one every time. Pretty sure that's the town you're in."
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 05:03 PM
3

I've known this info since April and haven't done anything with it. It does give me a better idea of how long it takes her to drive places, though.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 03:06 PM
3

Yeah. Nobody is Mr Rodgers but him. The rest of us get angry sometimes, we drop the ball re: school activities once in a while, we make mistakes.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 07:23 PM
2

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth..." right? Kids turn out how they turn out sometimes. Your best at the time can be forgotten, discounted, ignored and all they recall are the times you grounded them or didn't buy the shiny thing. My kids are grown and I recently learned my youngest is actively campaigning for her mom to divorce me. Every time they talk she tries to convince her it's the only way. Which explains why every other couples therapy session seems to start at zero again.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 12:28 PM
2

There's your key. Therapy is going to be a really common suggestion. For a reason. At the very, very least a therapist is someone in your corner, someone who'll listen and won't judge if you cry. At the best you'll learn about yourself and get help becoming who you really want to be.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 04:58 AM
7

Pay no heed to the person who's obviously forgotten this is a support subreddit. It's a damn painful thing to find out that what *you* hold sacred isn't what *she* does. Or maybe she doesn't hold anything at all to be sacred. You're two years out, you've made it this far. Keep it up, keep improving yourself and your situation. Your kids are your kids forever, they'll remember the swingset and holidays. It may take time but they'll see you're not who mom says you are. The things that're sacred to…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 12:25 PM
15

It's like we're at fault for how they react to shit they think we'll do. Look babe, that entire scenario only exists in your head. I don't give fuck one about "X". (In this case wearing lots of rings as a fashion statement) We've never talked about it, I've never said anything about it one way or the other, but I'm the bad guy who made you stop doing it. Or she's facing an obstacle at work and I say "I believe in you. You're smart, savvy and wise. You'll come out on top, I'm sure of it." It's so…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 10:33 AM
2

May I humbly suggest the island of Kauai? It's about as remote as you can get, has incredible scenery, wonderful food and it's warm all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 05:12 AM
6

If they won't talk to the one directly paying them...fuck 'em. Find someone who will. Let Firm A know that's why you're firing them and that's what you'll be telling all your friends.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 01:33 AM
1

IANAL but in most states, it's *your house too* just as much as it is hers and it will remain so unless and until you relinquish it as part of the final divorce decree. She can't kick you out, you can't kick her out. Also, depending on how sexist your state is, if she's making $8k a month, it may come as a bitter surprise to her when she's the one paying alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 06:19 PM
5

I've found four things have helped me immeasurably since I was ghosted in March. Wellbutrin. Therapy. Addressing the underlying PDD/MDD I've been afflicted with has given me more energy and more gumption in general, divorce proceedings aside. Doing one positive thing every day. Even little things count. Dishes, laundry, brushing my teeth...just one positive thing is all it takes to begin building new habits and a new outlook. Imagining in detail the best possible post-divorce life I can. Where w…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 06:21 PM
1

It sounds like you two haven't actually agreed, then. If possible, get the house buyout settled before mediation. You might also talk with a lawyer or financial planner to find out if her laughably low offer might actually turn out in your favor if it means you avoid spousal support for X years.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 01:19 PM
3

Therapy and medication, but you're already doing that. Being unable/unwilling to forgive her is natural, don't blame yourself for it. IMO, forgiveness is overrated. You don't need to forgive her, only yourself. As they say, the best revenge is a life well-lived.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 01:15 PM
3

Your local bowling center has that already. Join a league and see if it works out.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 06:06 AM
1

I hear you. She hired a lawyer in January and left in March. 6 weeks. I may never know what went through her head.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 08:46 PM
1

It'll feel diabolical to her, I guarantee it. Unless you're in counseling or have made it clear that things need adjusting. Something as big as divorce should never be a surprise. (Not counting situations where physical danger is involved)
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 08:44 PM
3

I'm very sorry. Your stbxh is an ass and a coward. Depending on how long you've been married, all the leverage is yours. Between child support and spousal maintenance he's likely to be working for you for a decade. Once you retain a lawyer you'll realize how badly he's fucked himself.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 04:54 AM
4

It's your unit. Flog it or don't, it's up to you.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 03:11 AM
1

This is why you hire the lawyer. They do the conflict part for you.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 01:46 PM
3

I'm in a similar quandary. She filed while at some secure, undisclosed location in mid April. She's been back once. If she thinks I'm going to clean up and deal with 34 years worth of stuff, she's out of her goddamn mind. In a community property state, is there really anything that qualifies as only hers? Isn't it all "ours"? If that's the case, I'm sorely tempted to hire an estate sale company to come and sell/shitcan everything but those few things I pull out and set aside. With that done, it'…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:21 PM
2

Be as upfront with her as she is with you. Stop putting her aside, but explain that there's no shortcut to being emotionally free from the mother of your children. It'll just take time, time that you'd love to spend with her (your new girl) if she's okay with that.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:14 PM
2

Vietnam or Thailand, maybe. Low cost of living and a fairly large expat population.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 07:19 AM
2

Recognizing it and putting a name to your true enemy (Depression) can really help. Yes, you (and I and all of us) contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. But that's why there's that 'in sickness and in health' bit. We got sick, or our ongoing illness caught up and got worse. Instead of recognizing that and getting us help, our wives bounced. If you're in therapy, if you're doing the work to try and get better, she ought to realize that and have the grace to *help*. Thing is, now you kn…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 02:55 PM
2

Well, yeah. Open up your own banking account and move your cash reserves into it asap. You can maybe find an airbnb to stay at for a limited time, but I'd go back to your lawyer and ask if it's really necessary to move out. It's just as much your house as it is hers. Guard your stuff, guard yourself. If she's really NPD, you know there's nothing she won't do in order to hurt you.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 02:47 PM
9

Do it. Make that therapist swear under oath.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 01:44 AM
1

I'm in kind of the same boat. It's a godawful time to sell and it's a "living" home. All kinds of stuff we'd have to store or get rid of in order to stage the place. I've considered a number of options. Like letting her keep it so long as I get half the equity should she sell. Which is basically betting that she'll die or sell before I croak. Renting it with both of us on the deed and administered by a management company. We use rent proceeds for the mortgage and anything over goes into escrow f…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 12:54 AM
1

Well then, the process server's appearance shouldn't be a big surprise to her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 11:29 PM
1

That tracks. "I'm going to max out secret credit cards but the loss of trust is something YOU need to fix." You gotta save yourself and rebuild for your retirement (again).
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 11:28 PM
2

That's advice I'm trying to follow, myself. I'm stuck out here in the boondocks with no gym within an hour's drive. The kettlebell exercises have been great and living in bumfuck means lots of room for walks without repeating my route. However you do it guys, get active. Even if it's just burpees and pushups.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 11:24 PM
1

Fair. You gotta do what you gotta do for your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 11:16 PM
2

There'd be one hell of a "Come to Jesus" meeting and she'd start paying into a retirement account tout de suite or yeah, I'd be a gone pecan.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 10:58 PM
3

If you haven't tried counseling and haven't talked it over with her then I fear I've got nothing for you. A walkaway husband is just as bad as a walkaway wife.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 10:55 PM
2

His wife still thinks he'd take a bullet for her. She still believes he always has her best interests in mind and would never, ever betray her. You know different. What you do with that knowledge is up to you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 01:30 AM
2

Which is something that boggles my mind. This goes for both sexes. If you've gotten to the point where you're simply not married anymore in your mind, you no longer care about the marriage, your spouse, any of it. How in the everloving fuck do you live with yourself after sleeping next to that person, saying "Love you too" back to them every day, letting them feed you, care for you and go on believing you feel the same for MONTHS before you drop the hammer and destroy their lives. How do you man…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 04:38 PM
2

The little one was in charge ;)
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 03:19 PM
6

The sad truth is that you *both* have to want to work things out. You *both* have to value your marriage and your relationship. Seems she doesn't. It's a hard thing, but ask yourself if you want this person, who you know is a liar, to be the one in the ER making medical decisions on your behalf when you're unable to. Can you trust her to always have your best interests at heart?
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 03:04 PM
5

I'll pile on with the 'lawyer up' advice. You have better things to do than hassle around with paperwork you're completely unfamiliar with but which will either improve or trash your future. Let a professional do the work. Just make sure you get one who'll scrape every cent they can for you. Because it's not just you, this is for your kids as well.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 01:50 PM
5

Legally, you're a stay-at-home mom. That's how the assets, child support and alimony should be considered. If they're not, claim sexism and keep pushing. Just because you have an outie doesn't change the legal/financial situation you're in.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 01:47 PM
3

It's like a death but the deceased can resurrect themselves anytime they want. They just don't.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 12:53 PM
2

This is the kind of thing marriage counselors get paid for. I'd suggest engaging with one or more until you find one who'll be an unbiased partner in helping the both of you improve your marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 12:21 PM
1

I'll be following a similar path if all goes well. Rebuilding trust isn't easy, it'll probably take as much time as it took to build it in the first place, but it is possible. I think it sunk in that unless one of us wants to remarry, there's no real reason to get a divorce. We can live separately if we have to, or together if we work things out, but the whole legal ordeal is just stupid and designed to turn you both into enemies. We've known each other for 34 years, I don't have a friend in the…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 04:14 PM
3

Salmon Wild sockeye, specifically.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/24 03:05 PM
4

56 here and I get you. All those plans we built and cherished and laid the groundwork for. The grandkids at Christmas, traveling the world. All of it, blown to shit and now what? Just gotta create who we'll be outside of that context. The good thing is it's entirely up to us. The bad thing is...it's entirely up to us.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 12:13 AM
6

So. Fucking. Much. This. "That was incredible! Why don't we do that more often?" JFC woman, YOU. YOU are why we don't do that more often.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 12:24 AM
2

Do you like piña coladas?
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 08:54 PM
1

It really depends on the state. Here in Washington the spouse who earns more will end up paying alimony, regardless of gender. So you might be in a position to not worry so much about her going after your pension as she is about you going after hers
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 07:27 PM
1

Are you somehow divorcing my wife? I cannot for the life of me figure out how she thinks this works. Ghosting me for a month, breaking radio silence with a Dear John and a process server, then returning to radio silence is just...maddeningly nonsensical. We've got assets to sell, debts to allocate, fair divisions to negotiate and NONE of that can be done in silence. So WTF?
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 07:06 PM
2

I'll let you know in a few months.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 05:22 PM
4

Well, I'm fucked
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 06:20 PM
2

Great advice. Letting yourself experience your grief and other emotions in the moment while you build better feelings is key. Keep working on your new self, your new life and your most recent emotions will be mostly positive. Let recency bias work for you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 12:46 PM
3

Yeah, that 'walkaway spouse' thing is a bitch. You feel so blindsided and confused. Like you didn't know the stakes of things, how serious it was until it's too late. Which is blindingly unfair. All a walkaway spouse really needs to do is the distance part. There's an old joke where the punchline is "First, you have to get the mule's attention." Leaving does that for sure. It gives the other spouse a chance to feel what it'll be like without their wife/husband and to make an informed choice rega…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 07:07 PM
1

Right after you hire a lawyer, find a therapist who vibes with you. You may find out, as I did, that while your actions broke things, the cause behind those actions is treatable. Future you deserves happiness, remember that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/24 05:45 PM
9

Get the word "sexist' in there. Indicate how a male doing the things your ex is doing would be treated much differently.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/24 03:14 AM
1

Thanks for clarifying
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 05:27 AM
1

Saving your original marriage is preferable, indeed. At the very least counseling shortcuts the hurt feelings and puts an unbiased third party in at the beginning of a divorce. This makes it harder for false accusations to stick. Well worth the $300-$400 for a few sessions.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 03:53 AM
5

I'm right there with you. "Tick tick". She says we'd have had to fix things ten years ago to be together today. Well, where the fuck was this crucial bit of intel ten years ago? Building a whole new self image and setting yourself up for retirement at 56 hits way different than it would've at 46.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/24 10:01 PM
1

What's the mechanism by which it reduces the wealth split? The legal separation I'm familiar with is exactly like divorce except you remain technically married for tax and insurance purposes.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/24 09:50 PM
3

Today it's one month since she sent a Dear John and a process server within 45 minutes of each other. It's going to really, really suck for a while. Then it'll just really suck. After a while, if you take care of yourself, lawyer up, hit the gym (or any physical activity that will tire you out) and eat right you'll have fewer and fewer bouts of crying. They'll still come. Especially when you dwell on what should have been, dreams she's smashed, when you see a sentimental object like a souvenir o…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/24 09:25 PM
0

This should have been sent a year ago. Why do so many people suffer in silence until they no longer value the marriage? If a spouse or family member gets hooked on booze, gambling or the like, you stage an intervention. You put everything in the open, so even if the other party doesn't change at least their eyes are open, their choices are fully informed. This avoids that "blindsided" effect that virtually guarantees they'll be angry/wounded and ill-inclined toward mature negotiations.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/24 09:12 PM
5

If you're in a no-fault state it doesn't matter if you sign or not. The process will move forward with or without you. All not signing does is ensure that you lose every contested point.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/24 04:40 AM
1

If that's what you got, that's what you got. Remain alive and keep pushing for improvement, however slight.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/24 04:33 AM
1

Yeah. The idea is to focus on becoming the best 'you' possible. Whatever that looks like. Do it for yourself. You have to craft a whole new context for your life, outside of being a husband.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/24 03:49 AM
1

Oftentimes the court will seek to equalize income post-divorce. If OP brings in 20k/month and sbtxw brings in zero, they'll equalize at 10k each.. In a long-term marriage this is meant to represent the economic opportunities one partner let pass by in favor of the marriage. In a better world this goes for both husbands and wives.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/24 01:45 AM
1

Unknown. I haven't gone through all the details with my lawyer yet.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 07:21 PM
1

In my state, legal separation has the same financial process as a divorce, but you remain officially "married", so the church thinks you're still married, the IRS thinks you're still married and insurance believes it, too. (This has some limitations, but in essence this is the deal) If, for instance, both you and your SBTX have expensive, chronic illnesses for which you're double-covered while you're married, it might be in each of your best interests to keep that coverage. I'm of the opposite m…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 06:53 PM
1

Where'd you end up going? I live up here but there's always cool things that strangers find where a local might not think to look.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 03:16 AM
5

28 years here. Got my Dear John email last week. You'll be ok. Then not. Then fine, then half-mad with grief. All of it is ok, all of it is normal. Keep moving, keep making little bits of progress. The paradox of it is difficult. You have to get your shit together now yet the coping/recovery process takes months (if you're fortunate). Find a good lawyer. Let a professional handle the legal issues, you're fucked up right now and the law don't wait.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 05:35 AM
1

She was once, then stopped without saying anything. Best friends don't blindside their best friends with a Dear John letter and a process server while they're in a secure, undisclosed location a thousand miles away.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 12:52 PM
2

Very much not alone.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 12:47 PM
7

That's what's getting me. Seems to be a recurring theme. She's checked-out for a year, maybe more and instead of engaging with counseling or therapy with her "good husband and father" she just represses until the inevitable happens. At least with counseling, neither party feels blindsided, neither feels as betrayed. Which lessens the acrimony and hatred, which is infinitely better for the kids and for the co-parenting you're going to have to do. She owes it to him, but she's not going to give it…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 05:21 AM
1

Well, you're going to couples therapy *before* the papers get signed, so you've got the best chance.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 06:37 PM
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