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View 22 posts and 735 comments by No_Pace2396 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
46

No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 03:08 AM
44

CustodyNo_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 10:57 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 05:57 AM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 11:34 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 09:42 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 01:25 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 02:54 AM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 12:12 AM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 12:14 AM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 04:22 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 02:48 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 09:02 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 09:21 PM
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Getting StartedNo_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 11:04 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 04:21 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 06:47 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men08/09/24 07:03 PM
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CourtNo_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 06:50 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 05:34 PM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 07:27 AM
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RantNo_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 12:30 AM
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No_Pace2396/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 08:22 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
1

I have. Journals and photo albums, and a box of our keepsakes. I figure I may not be around when they come around.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/26 12:08 AM
1

Oh, I am like this. I did the SAHD thing because it was the right thing to do for my family. I don't regret the time with my kid, but I absolutely agree. Relying on a woman is stupid, expecting her to give you credit. SAHM is the hardest job in the world. SAHD = pothead gamer. It is a stigma, and there is no overcoming that. I wouldn't be where I am if I'd gotten this advice 10 years ago.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/26 12:06 AM
2

Contemporaneous notes. Write them in a text and send it to yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 11:07 PM
1

Just know that while she may want a divorce, she also wants you to be the one who divorces her so she can blame you and punish you. The court will back her up, and if she goes high conflict, that’s when the kids and you pay. Know the dirty divorce tricks. Take your time to plan and prepare. When you’re 100% ready try to get her to agree to discernment counseling and a mediated divorce. If she doesn’t want to do that, find a way to put a silver bullet on her.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/25 04:59 PM
5

That’s how you end up on the couch, then with a protective order, and finally a basement apartment while you pay the mortgage and bills for her to stay in your—her—house. Because men are supposed to leave. Because we don’t take care of our wives and kids. Because we are dangerous abusers and perverts and deadbeats. If you haven’t learned that yet family court will educate you.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 07:15 PM
6

A woman in your situation would take the kids and leave, or get you removed from the house. Move her ass into the garage with all her shit and take the bedroom.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 06:51 PM
3

If you’re worried she will go dirty or silver bullet, filling first offers very limited protection. You can argue that any accusations are retaliatory and came only because she found out you filed. It won’t save you if you aren’t mother Theresa in her presence. Your best defense is offense. If she lays a hand on you, threatens you, gets in your face. Police report, make a bruise, trip to the ER, and it doesn’t hurt if you record it or your buddy saw everything and really thought she was going to…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/25 09:02 AM
3

Yes, and if you doubt they are get a new one. By the time you are certain they are not advocating for you it’s too late. I learned this, and continue to be reminded of it. You don’t sound like you’re high conflict, but if you are and you have a white hat that knows the law and blah blah you are fucked. You want a lawyer that hears what are going after and has a plan to get it, or at least junk up the process so bad that your ex will not be getting anything close to what she is asking for. Ideall…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/25 08:54 AM
3

Longer you wait the worse case you have. Letting yourself get kicked out was being a pushover. The court will pick up where she left off. Dads been out of the house? Why does he need back in if he can live someplace else. Dad left without his kids and dumped them on mom? Seen that before. Send sister child support and you get 2 weekends a month. She knows what she’s doing. You don’t.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 04:48 PM
6

A narcissist loves it when you’re frustrated because it means they are in control. I saw dead people.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 04:44 PM
3

Prepare yourself. Completely. Mentality, physically, financially and emotionally. Play along until you are 100% ready. Create conflicts of interest with as many lawyers as you can. As you get ready to file, protect against a silver bullet. The only defense is to lay waste to her first. If she gives you a silver bullet you use it. Accept now that evidence, truth, fairness, justice are second to lies, accusations, exaggerations, and hearsay in family court—you play by the rules of family court or …
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 05:16 PM
1

A skilled lawyer can make post separation debt hers in mediation. But she’ll argue for a later date for division of assets/debts, disparities in income, abandoned woman…. In mediation, know what’s on the table, don’t give up any leverage, and don’t be afraid to say “thank you for your time but we are done here” even against your lawyers advice. Only lock in what works in your favor. There’s a lot of post mediation haggling. Financial settlement is a shell game and game of chicken.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/25 06:40 PM
2

Hmmm. Mutual traumas. Seems to me she’s gone, even if it is just displacing grief from her dads death to your marriage. You are only half of “We”. Can’t save everybody man but you’re facing your mortality. If you’ve never taken charge now is the time, and chasing somebody who’s running from you, IDK. Try trial separation? Or a quick and easy divorce, if she’s amenable. That said, look at you local laws…if you can do done things to protect yourself financially or from a protracted divorce, I’d do…
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/25 06:32 PM
3

Vocational assessment. She’s willfully unemployed. You’re still on the hook for debt.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/25 04:05 PM
1

What’s your reasonable life expectancy? How do you want to spend it? Not knowing the cancer…I mean, filling may have been her way of locking you down until you’re gone.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/25 04:01 PM
3

Yeah. A long time ago. My bro was my main supporter, but he got to where he’d quickly move to some plaintive dismissal. So I quit talking to him about divorce. My friends, I decided they don’t need to hear it. So it’s just me and therapist now. For me, I’m not reliving the marriage, it’s failure, or the divorce so much as the insanity of what happened, as i live thru the aftershocks. Like not seeing my kids and the debt. I’m left with rebuilding myself after having lived with an emotionally abus…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 04:20 PM
2

Expat lean FIRE to run out the clock. I figure stress of divorce claimed at least a decade, so I’m not saving like I’m going to live to my 80s.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 03:33 AM
2

The $40k she’s fighting for will be burned up fighting for it. Your defense is “prove it” and “nu-uh.” And it’s cheap considering her burden. Either way she’s dumb enough to fight for a bigger slice of a smaller pie, and for $40k, I bet she could burn $20k getting all the evidence together for a hearing. But the bigger problem: when your lawyer makes the other sides argument you have a problem. I stuck it out with that guy and lost tremendously over and over. He put me in her position and let OC…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 06:04 AM
4

I don't see kids in here. Just that you believed in and trusted this woman, but she put herself first. One day this will be a gift, both that she walked away instead of just continuing sucking the life out of you, and that she's willing just to divy up your stuff and go. My now ex MIL was telling me about her dead husband. They didn't have a good marriage and MIL was a narcissist POS like her kids, and I imagine the man suffered for decades providing for her. MIL tells me about how her husband "…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 04:22 AM
2

So, check your local laws. If she’s filed she’s bound by a domestic relations injunction that limits what she can do financially. You’re not until you are served. You may be held to some scrutiny about what you do once you know, but a good lawyer can wipe that away in mediation. You’re in a gray area. And here’s the advice a hen gave my ex: play along, stroke his ego, tell him you want to work on the marriage. Then when he least expects it… Hopefully you’ve been taking this time to prepare yours…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/25 05:40 PM
1

^ Brace yourself. Get a lawyer. Choose the one that tells you you are at risk for a silver bullet/false accusations and gives you a plan to protect yourself. Once it starts, once you are in the defensive, you are cooked.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/25 09:15 AM
2

Yeah man. I get it. Men are expected to soldier thru this.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/25 02:02 AM
5

Really? That is the threat. But practically, you get caught and have your lawyer resolve it in mediation. Here’s an example: Don’t report an account. Get it found out because it’s reported on your taxes. Just before mediation, spend everything in the account. 0/2=0. That’s the way the judge explained it to me at mediation when my ex did it. Right before he told me I needed to let it go and quit being, what, deserving of equal protection? With the right lawyer, I don’t see a downside to hiding wh…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/25 08:26 PM
2

Yep
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/25 08:15 PM
5

Fucking Christ. Keep calling lawyers until you get the one who has the RO drafted by the end of the phone call. This is your job now. Get her out of the house. Then you’re playing your concussion and police reports to full World Cup red card effect.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/25 08:14 PM
5

About done. Ex got the kids on her side. They were with me this summer and fall but just want to go back to mom and make sure I know that on the daily. So I’m taking them back. MTE for my usual parent time. I expect judge will make it my fault somehow. I’m not fighting anymore. And just for fun ex made a late appearing claim to her retirement account. So I get to pay to fight that. Also expect judge will twist logic to get her her share, even tho he’s already ruled on admissibility of evidence o…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/25 08:10 PM
1

I listened. I was polite.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/25 12:45 AM
2

Done and done.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 08:45 PM
2

Yeah. I got my dander up talking to somebody who has a RICO suit in progress against players in family court. I know that's going nowhere, but she was very enthusiastic.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 08:45 PM
1

She's a bitch, and the intersection with his incompetence led me to a very shitty outcome. There's more here than I've let on--missed deadlines, typos with consequence, not being prepared for hearings, some overtly bad legal advice that an experience lawyer should have known better about. I'm sure I could write it up, print it, burn it, and it'd have more effect than filing it. I'm still searching for justice in the system, and what you're saying is I need to give up on that.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 08:44 PM
4

Start recording. Next big fight where you’re calm as a Hindu cow and she’s in your face ✅, raises a hand ✅✅ or touches you ✅✅✅ you do your World Cup performance and call the police. File a report, have her removed, then you have the upper hand.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/25 01:40 AM
2

First, it's all negotiable and dependent on who you're working with. Just lawyers, a lawyer and accountant, or lawyer and financial planner? And if you have a final order with ambiguous terms, or you are walking into mediation and negotiating them. Second, it's all negotiable. Third, put a date in the final divorce decree. "This is entered in January, and within 30 days the QDROs are to be executed." Ehh, if it works in your favor because of the magic of compounding interest. Fourth, do not trus…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/25 07:17 PM
2

Eh. She could fight for premarital contributions, if she can prove it and submits the evidence going all the way back during discovery. She would need to prove the balance on the day of the marriage so that there's a basis for separation of her premarital contributions. You can fight for the interest, since that would have been accrued during the marital period. Now, that's if she's very diligent and she submits the evidence during discovery, otherwise all you'd have would be the rollover during…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 06:42 PM
2

I worked on them, not in diabetes, but for sleep disorders. You are correct that some have an established record. You are not correct for the new generation GLP-1 agonists. For example, nobody understands the mechanism of action for tirzepatide in OSA, and its peripheral effects that promote weight loss are insufficient to explain the effect size in OSA. It’s acknowledged that there is likely a central effect, and preclinical data to suggest possible mechanisms. Also, clinical trials are short, …
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 03:54 AM
1

You’re probably getting played, and at least you have a silver bullet, but…GLP-1s are new drugs with a poorly understood adverse event profile. She should talk to her doctor ASAP. Gastric banding, another weight loss treatment, has an increase in suicide risk, possibly because those patients were regulating their mood with food, then without that… GLP-1s very likely have effects in the brain, and I’m not knowledgeable enough to say more, but these are off target effects and could affect impulse …
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 03:25 AM
1

I feel for you. Everybody tells me to play the long game, and that’s where you are, and in the middle of it it seems like bullshit. But don’t give up. Your kids need you still. There’s also some channel on Facebook or instagram, the anti alienation project I think. It’s a woman who was alienated from her dad and talks about what it was like coming around and realizing what her mom had done. It’s worth watching some of it to get the kids perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/25 01:08 AM
6

Here’s what you have to learn: there are rules, but the only rule is that whatever you can get away with is the only rule. Between when you file and the time that this goes in front of the judge for the final hearing, everything is temporary. So all the hearings and motions are temporary, and the judge will tell you that. i’m not gonna fix this now, you’ll fix it at the final hearing. If you do enough bad shit, then you’ll get dragged through all of it, and then one of a couple things is gonna h…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/25 08:59 AM
6

GALs are usually appointed and carry tremendous power. Maybe one of the things that you should ask your lawyer when you’re choosing one is whether or not they will stand up to a guardian ad litem if they recommend that you don’t get 50-50 custody.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/25 08:56 PM
5

Guardian ad litem. Yes basically a lawyer for the kids. Bottom feeders. The last thing you need. I don’t know if they go through any professional certification, but I highly doubt it. They are definitely not trained in childhood development, or child psychology. When you get a gal assigned, know that you were getting just another Lawyer. If that gal turns against you, they can behave exactly like opposing counsel, except you can’t tell them to fuck off because they hold the key to your children.…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/25 08:51 PM
4

Same. Ex fought every nickel. Lost count of hearings and we’ve got to be at over 350 filings, all prepared by lawyers at $350 an hour. A couple all day mediations, with lawyers. It doesn’t end, and once one side starts fighting, they’ll do it until somebody runs out of money.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/25 07:11 PM
3

You can Google a paper available for free online by Amy Baker called beyond the higher road. It’ll give you some strategies for relating to your kids in this situation. I’ve also been seeing a therapist that is a custody evaluator and also a victim of parental alienation. He’s told me that most kids will start seeing through manipulation in their teens, but it may be 10 or 15 or 30 years longer before they come around. If they come around. In my experience, I’m seeing what my kids are going thro…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/25 07:00 PM
2

Amicable. Collaborative. Concession stand frito pie compared Michelin stars when you’re in a contentious divorce, and it only takes one party to make a divorce contentious.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/25 06:51 PM
3

Says the guy getting walked out of his house in bracelets, or looking at $100k in legal fees. Abandon all trust in your STBX and the system. Play nice only when your boot is on her neck, and if it keeps something for you from the lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 10:51 PM
2

Do you have a statement from your savings on the date of marriage showing your balance? Did you put any money into that account during the marriage? If the answers are No to the first, that money is gone. If the answers are Yes and "Eh, just a wee little bit" you have to do the math to figure if it's worth fighting over. If the answer is Yes and No, maybe you have some leverage. Submit all your evidence in discovery. Or just get to mediation and hardball her on that 100k if it's worth it to you,…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 10:46 PM
5

Conflict = billable hours. This would go away if men knew that they’d get 50-50 unless ex wives had to prove, like with evidence, that there was a damn good reason the kids shouldn’t have a father in their lives. Instead they start with full custody then spend fathers down to something less than 50-50 so they can still get the kids, and get in their ears, and buy them things with what dad pays in child support.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 07:31 PM
2

When you file you sign an injunction that prevents you from doing that. If she filed and you haven’t been served, you aren’t bound by that. You might hear “the judge will frown on this.” Judge is going to frown on you either way. But you have good reason and you need to protect yourself financially.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 04:34 PM
2

Or even knew when I was going to see them… Raising a kid isn’t easy. It’s worth it tho. Draw on whatever resources you have to get yourself breaks. Set boundaries for your kid. Be good to yourself so you can be available for him when he needs you. In other words, do what all those SAHMs tell each other to do cause it’s the hardest job in the world.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/25 11:56 PM
2

Guardian ad litem. A lawyer for your kids. Shitballs imo. Last thing you need is another lawyer in the room, but judges give them power without them having any training in child psyche. Get a bad one and you are fucked. OC, opposing counsel.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 03:16 AM
2

If you have the dog, keep the dog and ignore her. Possession is 9/10ths of the law. Agreements between parties mean nothing. Make sure she can’t snatch the dog.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 12:24 AM
3

I assume ex is resisting this and it will be a fight. Any friends of the court involved? GALs, custody evaluators, etc? Mediation is about breaking one side using fear, threats, lies, or accusations under the secrecy of mediation. It’s bullshit and the bottom feeders know this and will use it to get what they want. A GAL may threaten you, the mediator can lie, your lawyer may tell you you won’t do better in court, OC will make threats. If this is your hill to die on, practice saying “thanks, but…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/25 07:23 PM
3

Seriously. Do this. The court will not care that she did it. Forget all the bluster in the domestic relations injunction and language about undeclared assets may be forfeited. You’ll go to mediation, fight over big things or little things that don’t matter, then this and any other misdeeds will be ignored or handled hastily.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/25 05:17 AM
2

Restraining order. Use that X-ray and any other evidence of physical abuse to have her removed from the house when she’s served. What she’s saying and doing in front of the kids goes to a GAL. Videos of her out on Xanax too. You’ve found the right lawyer when you tell him what you have and what you want and he gets an evil grin. You should have a good reason for having waited so long / an inciting event so she doesn’t turn this around on you (it couldn’t be that bad cause it took him years, this…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/25 02:20 PM
3

Silver bullet, her family, and a friend all got in on it. 3 years and still going. Part of it is that she won’t finalize the divorce and is still playing games with the kids, so they hate on me, the court still hates on me. I keep pushing back the “this will finally be over moment when…”
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/25 05:00 AM
1

Tl;dr monogamy doesn’t work. Marriage isn’t in a man’s favor. Marrying young is especially stupid. People change. Life partner…only in Disney movies. Stay with this one and one day it’ll come back to bite you on the ass. I’d bolt, sit and try to figure out what this taught you, decide what you want to do next. You’re young enough that you can get married and divorced at least 2 more times if you’re daft enough to go that route. Maybe at least you’ll go next time with a prenup that covers finance…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/25 08:47 PM
3

💯manipulation. Don’t fall for it. Prepare by getting all your finances in order, and be ready to lock down your bank account and credit cards. Divorce, move her ass out, and let her find a job. If you’re the only one with income, get a lawyer. Start working with her to do a kitchen table divorce. If she can’t afford a lawyer, this works in your favor. I’d move fast and be just as manipulative…I’m the man and I’ll fix this for us dear. You’re saying, oh, but this is so mean. Just wait until she g…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/25 08:35 PM
1

Thx
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/25 02:47 PM
6

Make a journal for your kids. Write down all your good memories, the things you did with them. Make a journal telling the story of your life. Make them a photo album.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 01:04 PM
2

She went after my premarital retirement. Judge excluded evidence we agreed in mediation I could submit that would have proved it was mine and that she had no claim to it. I was already 20k into preparing for trial and looking at the judge giving her half. Alimony was a joke anyway—my reward for setting aside my career to be a SAHD.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 03:55 AM
5

No kids, no regrets. Kids. 100% regret it. I’d do whatever I had to to stay, then walk out the day the kids did.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 03:13 AM
2

And to protect them. Ex puts them in the middle. And I have therapists, plural. Sigh.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 03:10 AM
1

Yeah, this, exactly. FWIW my therapist (also a custody evaluator and victim of parental alienation) says most kids will eventually come around. So accept the pain and harm now and hope you live long enough for them to see what mother did. FFS.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 06:41 PM
1

But oh do I need therapy to work on all my issues. Cause I tried everything to fix her problems and I guess I could do more.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 03:55 PM
1

I used to love her… Bunch of Dwight yokum and SOAD. Mexican reggaeton and cumbia shit that I don’t understand any of the lyrics.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 05:47 AM
2

I raised the kids, should have been on the other side of the custody equation, but pay child support. We spent more just so she can say …and he PAYS me support … than she’ll get in total. I just put it all in an account, set it to autopay. One of the easier wounds to hide.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 04:10 AM
2

Maybe the cat will suck the life out of your ex while she sleeps, or give her whatever killed Tommy. Or the cat will live long enough to trip her and break a hip. There’s always a chance. Good thing is there are 100s of adoptable cats you can do right by adopting. I had to let my dog go, it was the right thing for my kid. It sucked, I cried a bit. Now the dog is fat and my kids blame me for everything.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 02:03 AM
3

Dirty divorce tricks 101: I won’t ask for child support but want just a little 😘 alimony. Also, do the math. $1 in equity > $1 in retirement. When you say “collaborative” do you mean you’re hashing things out at the kitchen table or that you have a collaborative mediator? Former: she’s got a lawyer or hens helping. Latter, remember a mediators job isn’t fair, reasonable, or a likely outcome in court, it’s reaching an agreement that they can then point at later and say “…but you agreed to it!” an…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 01:42 AM
8

Right, you get angry and frustrated and leave. Problem solved.My ex did it for 15 years then played the single mom victim abandoned by awful bad man. You sleeping on the couch too? Prepare now, legally, financially, physically, and mentally. Play that game so when she decides, you are ready. You are ready for when the cops show up, or when she tries to close the bank accounts, or starts calling lawyers only to find all of them have a COI cause you called them first. Mentally, get a therapist, st…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/25 12:28 AM
7

Sit on the couch and cry sometimes. It’s ok. Get that shit out for when you don’t have the kids. I’m giving you permission to be a sobbing mess if it’s what you feel like you need to do.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/25 09:13 PM
5

Yeah I’ll be your huckleberry. But ain’t got time for that tale. For any man here, no due process, code and precedent mean nothing, no presumption of innocence or equal treatment, hearsay >> evidence, no oversight, appeals, or transcripts. Tl;dr, judge does what he or she wants and you smile and take it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/25 07:17 AM
1

Most counselors will break things worse. First, emotionally, financially, legally, mentally, and physically prepare. Then discernment counseling to see if she’s even interested in staying married. If so, find a gottman therapist, the love languages guy. They focus on coming together, not on fixing problems they don’t have the training, skills, or capacity to do anything with. If not, discuss a mediated divorce, or just start taking longer and longer trips, traveling for work. All this time tho, …
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 05:57 AM
1

What’s the point of living if not in service to others. This is the other end of the spectrum with narcissism. Maybe childhood issues, maybe your ex trained you, maybe both. It’s with sorting out in therapy, cause it’s going to come up again. I can speak from experience. No kids, 30s. I packed up and moved cross country to start over. Mostly, but that took a little thinking about what things I might want and having the freedom to do them. Even if they were stupid and impractical, or you did them…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 04:57 AM
2

Don’t forget that there has to be complicity from one party for the corruption to fully play out. In walks the woman willing to game a system meant to protect the vulnerable. Judges could shut that down, so could ethical lawyers. My judge directed a domestic violence victims advocate center for17 years. She knows what my ex is/was doing and pounced on the opportunity.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 12:19 AM
1

Yeah. The fuck you tell her? A hen gave my ex this sage advice: act like everything is fine, that you want to work on the marriage, stroke his ego. Then when he least expects it…”
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 04:39 PM
2

Therapist. ChatGPT. Nobody gets it until they’ve been thru family court. Those that have don’t want to talk about it. My bro and best friend burned out hearing it all. Now we hardly talk, when we do they get 5% or less of it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/25 09:47 PM
2

In the US once you file you’re bound by an automatic injunction until temporary orders have been heard. It’s to prevent liquidation of assets and property seizure, or retaliatory hardships (like canceling insurance or phone plans). If she’s taking stuff, that’s seizing property. Reality is the judge won’t care later that you had to buy all new clothes and tools because she took them. Finger wag for her and a sharp rebuke to you if you bring it up. For example, you are not supposed to close bank …
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 06:52 AM
3

She wants to make sure she’s getting as much as she can. If her account is more or equal, the offer will stand. If not she’ll go for halfsies. There should be an injunction preventing division of property. Decide if it’s worth it to stop now, otherwise possession is 9 tenths of the law and anything she walks with you’ll never see again. You can amuse yourself by inventorying it and making a list that the mediators and judges won’t even look at.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 05:36 PM
1

Recovering yourself and your self esteem, that’s working on your “issues”. Not being valued, wanted, or ever enough for so long it’s all you know. Remember there was a time when all she wanted was you, then once she had you…. The divorce process will probably drag you lower. I’m not there, not even close, but maybe there’s another side we’ll get to.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 07:25 AM
3

Not really. It’s hurt friendships. Endless river of shit. Breakup, easy, couple weeks you’re good. Protracted divorce, just swallow it into a bitter little ball that you can pay a therapist to deal with once a week.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 07:20 AM
1

Bro she did you a favor. Get the divorce done as a soon as possible and start living again. When you think about how much you miss her, go thru the facts. It was all an illusion. What you felt was what she wanted you to feel just to feed herself, while starving you in some pretty disgusting ways. You never deserved to be treated like that. Find somebody who values you. And be ready for when she comes back, when one of her toys uses her like she used you, because you are reliable emotional suppor…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/25 05:19 PM
3

The goal of meditation isn’t a fair agreement, it’s reaching a settlement. So if you walk in saying we’ve agreed to these things, let’s lock them in and move on, you could either be setting yourself up for success or rape. Meditating piecemeal can be a strategy for or against you. Example: agree to 50-50 custody and do not discuss it further. In a state where she’s unlikely to get alimony, you have custody, mediate away alimony or fight it to the death. Or: you agree to split her 401k and other …
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/25 11:34 PM
2

False accusations and you didn’t get legal fees? Father still doesn’t get 50-50 by default. That’s the system. No consequences for lying, punishment for being a decent man and father.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/25 09:37 PM
3

Begging her to move out. Begging her for anything.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/25 07:18 PM
10

No kids = clean break Got pictures from domestic violence? If you do, quit begging. Sorry thing is court probably isn’t necessary, but if that’s how she wants to spend your money…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/25 04:43 AM
2

If she’s drunk at home with the kids and you know this, but don’t do anything, not only are you putting the kids at risk but it won’t play well. Talk to lawyers. Go with the one who gives you a detailed plan for how he’s going to use this, and follow his instructions. You should absolutely do this ASAP. I can’t imagine a wellness check working out well for you. You might end up fighting the state for your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/25 01:25 AM
6

Welcome to the silver bullet. As long as there’s no basis for the RO. Did you raise a hand? Shout? Push her? Say a mean thing that hurt her feelings? Stop talking to her. Gray rock. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Period.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 05:44 PM
1

Bro, I was like you. Compromise, settlement, honesty, transparency, expectation that court meant equal protection, due process, and justice. Then I ended up on the receiving end of it, without justification and with a woman who got the court on her side and hasn’t stopped. She got all she wanted, cost her more than she got, but the point was to break me and turn the kids against me, and it worked brilliantly. Once you’ve seen the court and it’s bottom feeders rush to sisters side, had to defend …
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/25 05:01 AM
3

TRO. You have reason to be scared of how she’ll react when she is served. Accuse her of everything and keep her on the defensive. When she’s sufficiently crushed you can be fair, but until the red card is out you need to put on a World Cup performance. Narcissists will play the system to make them look like the victim, and that’s already assumed in family court. Hire a lawyer who gets excited about what he’s going to do to her.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/25 07:38 PM
1

TRO for domestic violence
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/25 06:32 AM
14

I called my best friend and asked him to come help me pick up my shit from the house. 2 weeks notice, he flew cross country. Wouldn’t let me pay for it. When he left I told him he saved my life.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 06:36 PM
2

Thanks man. FWIW, that's what the therapist says. Men have to play the long game.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 04:53 AM
2

Now you get to put the fucking pot whereever you want. That's normal.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 04:52 AM
1

My kids blame me. They bought the lie. That was all that mattered.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 03:47 AM
1

Shock > despair > acceptance > reincarnation Or something like that.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 03:45 AM
2

Take everything and don’t look back. This is a new start. Soon you’ll see it that way.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 06:32 PM
4

You wasted your time on somebody who was never going to be happy. Feeling like you wasted her is still playing her game.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 06:30 PM
3

Fair has nothing to do with it. Go after all you can cause that’s what she will do if it gets nasty. Sure, the end result is that the lawyers benefit, but it’s that or give away yourself. Her pension should have a statement that lists net present value, and a process for division in divorce. You get halfsies of her retirement. Same with 401k. She might go after business, and you should have documentation of what was yours from before the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 06:26 PM
4

This. I admitted my responsibility—infidelity wasn’t part of it—and she ran with that ball. When we finally had a therapist that got her to acknowledge that maaaaybe it wasn’t all me, she fired her and ran to a divorce lawyer. Looking back I worked in Vegas and traveled a lot. I could’ve done what I wanted. I should’ve, then I could say I deserved what I got and had a damn time of it. Fucking simp.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 06:17 PM
1

Much healthier for kids to have their father.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 11:56 PM
2

It’s wrong to stay when it costs you. Yourself. More than you put in. When you get nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 07:57 PM
2

Google dirty divorce tactics and silver bullet. Use what you can preemptively, head off the rest. Then when she’s under your heel you can go back to being fair and decent.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 07:02 PM
2

Yep. It was too inconvenient for her to drop off and pick up kids, so SAHD did it. But in divorce I might as well been Jeff spicoli. She played the role the court assumed, got primary custody, denies my parent time. Her idea of parenting was to buy iPhones and iPads for the kids. But momma knows best, and I pay child support because…the fuck I know. I’d still take care of my kids 24/7 and do a better job of it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/25 06:29 PM
1

And hopefully at some point there won’t be a void to fill. Cause you’re still at least a father, maybe still a husband, and that’s all you’ve known for a while. Sorting that out is going to be at least a few thousand more in therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/25 03:13 PM
6

Well, the court sure did help, but yeah. Just some keepsakes from my kids, bikes and boards. Takes up a storage unit that feels like a burden now. There’s some trash that my ex dumped on me, and I’m coming around to accepting that it’s not worth even trying to sell, so one day I’ll haul it to goodwill in one trip. Most of the time I live in my camper, so just my clothes and fishing poles. I’m not free, but casting off all that stuff makes me feel like it sometimes.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/25 08:21 AM
4

Kids are blood. She isn’t. You’re the stable strong father all of us are, but that is your story. You are not being destroyed and having to fight the kids and courts to prove it. Come time you’ll see the blessing this is. Let her go, don’t try to do anything to bring her back—that could backfire on you and you may find yourself fighting just to get out fairly. Get the divorce you can. As much custody and as little financial harm as possible. Let her go without a lawyer and don’t give her a thing…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/25 05:04 AM
1

Yes
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/25 09:56 PM
2

Beyond the high road by amy baker and the bench guide to parental alienation. Google them.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/25 05:18 AM
1

At least in my jurisdiction there is no transcript or recording. Just some brain dead notes. Secrecy is one of the premises of Family Court. Same with mediation…the release you sign is pretty militant. No transcript will be produced. The proceedings are confidential. If you try to use them or compel the mediator to testify, the subpoena will be quashed and the moving party will pay mediators legal fees for quashing it. To OP, they want you on the defensive and got you there. IDK how to get out f…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/25 05:05 AM
12

Agree with others. Don’t text again, chat with her next time you see her. Time for her to put in some effort.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 05:38 PM
5

Nope. I mean, there were false allegations with zero evidence. Like, not drugs, violence, sexual abuse, or anything remotely even mean. "He's not a good father" allegations and some really crazy things were all she had, and it wasn't enough that I was good enough to take care of kids when ex wanted to get to work. Judge in my case--a former director for a domestic violence program--denied the TRO but it didn't matter. I was surprised when she appointed the GAL and initially thought that would wo…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 10:46 PM
2

Nope, SAHD to visitor. GAL threatened “state minimum or less” if I didn’t accept <50-50, and my ex is determined to get as much from me as she can. I’m fully confident that her custodial interference and alienation will get her there, and it might only cost me 10-20k. Look up custody for fathers by state custodyxchange. That shows dads max out at 50-50, but moms max out at almost 70-30 in many states.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 09:19 PM
3

I started thinking divorce for mostly the same reasons when my youngest was ~10. I thought I'd put my head down for 8 more years then walk away. Honestly, sounds like you're doing better than we were. I'd plan for the worst and hope for the best. Prepare for an eventual divorce, mentally, physically, and financially. The mental/physical includes your need to be heard and touched, so let your moral code define what is within your limits, or at least start laying the foundation for post-divorce li…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 07:50 PM
7

The advice a hen gave to my ex: let him think everything is OK, that you want to work on the marriage, stroke his ego, then when he least expects it… Just sayin, she played you. Ultimately you save yourself. This woman already went too far if she filed a baseless complaint against you. Just keep in mind she’s already working the system.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 05:43 AM
3

You’re on a divorce forum, so you must be thinking about it. Get the gym membership. This is part of physically preparing yourself. And you’re doing the mental preparation; adding gym will help with the mental. Checking out women at the gym—look don’t touch if that doesn’t fit you’re moral code—will remind you that you can be attracted to and attractive to women, that’s a mental boost too. As far as you feeling like thinking about other women being some sort of betrayal or w/e. Sister be standin…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 05:37 AM
3

Yeah, my thoughts too…although I was in same situation as OP and judge railed on me for being a SAHD aka deadbeat. OP, where are you? Have you had temporary orders hearing? Do you have a lawyer? If so, is he not ripping in, and if not are you talking to other lawyers? Can’t speak to bankruptcy, but the taking assets, hiding assets, breaking you financially: — first, don’t hope the judge anything — discovery the fuck out of her, and do not let your lawyer talk you out of her not fulfilling discov…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 05:29 AM
3

Have your lawyer recommend a well known appraiser to provide the market value for the house. Walk in with that and make an offer for your house based on w/e says. A reasonable offer and your ability to buy her out heads off her using that as leverage. Do you know net present value of pension? And where’s the buyout for her equity in the house coming from? Is she going to dispute your premarital claim? There a reason you aren’t starting with 50-50 on everything else? Especially if there were fals…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 06:36 AM
1

Yeah, you voluntarily left. Get back in until there’s an order. Lawyer. Now. And what specifically did you do to get CPS involved? You’re going to eventually have to own it. I haven’t dealt with CPS, but I assume you apply the same rule as you do with police. Listen to your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 01:43 AM
2

Ew. Good luck. There’s alienation (what’s happening) and then there’s “alienation” (what the court sees). Look at your local laws and the likelihood that you’ll get 50-50 (Google custody awarded to father by state until you get an infographic showing the courts record by state). Die on the hill that gets you 50-50 in the decree if you think you have a chance. Some states deny that parental alienation exists, because what sick mother would do that/fathers can’t be parents anyway. Maybe secretly r…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 01:17 AM
3

This isn’t a silver bullet. This is what protective orders are for. You want her okay, at least for the kids, but this can’t be good for your teen to be anywhere near this and you’re right to distance. Triage: get kid and yourself physically safe with an RO. Secure your finances for your kid and yourself. Then do what you can for her. When she picks herself up you can see what’s left. Don’t wait for the RO. Move fast. You wait then it looks like a legal maneuver or that you were complicit in end…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/25 07:08 PM
1

My primary therapist is also a custody evaluator. Compared to other therapist, he gets what is happening/will likely happen vs what should happen, like, if family court was anything like criminal court. Careful with friends…in a protracted nasty divorce it gets to be too much to dump on even your bro or best friends. I’ve stopped talking to them about divorce, or just don’t talk to them. There are friends I only tell I’m still dealing with divorce and it sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 05:34 PM
1

There was that eddy Murphy movie where he had to spend a bunch of money but have nothing to show for it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 07:10 AM
3

Truth. Sorry to say, but you handed her a bargaining chip if there were no consequences for not paying off or refi in the final decree.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 09:38 PM
7

No, No, And what does the decree say? If you do this, refi, pay off, or immediately list the property for sale should be part of the decree. There should be consequences listed for something that may or may not happen or that she just may refuse to do. If that language isn’t in there, let us know what BS your lawyer feeds you. Her times up. Have the MTE ready and list the property before it goes into default. Request legal fees for the motion, and make sure the judge rules on that.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 09:37 PM
1

No kids, should be a business transaction. Simple as divide by 2, take what was our own from before the marriage, and get on with separate lives. If she takes it emotionally or gets to talking to hens —-> scotched earth. Queue the sob story about you leaving her because she’s fat and barren and it’s not her fault, you’re just a pig. Make sure your financials are very well documented and provide every shred of documentation you have up front. You want rock solid proof of what you inherited and ma…
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 05:15 AM
4

Never talk to the police without a lawyer present. But, what are you looking for? A workaholic that’s just available to chat on her own time and maybe get together once in a while…doesn’t sound too bad. Especially for first relationship out of divorce where you’re craving the connection you were denied for how long? Honestly, I’ve “met” plenty of women online, chat a while, make no effort to meet them or pick ones that I won’t ever meet (eg, distance). It’s safe, noncommittal, goes nowhere and p…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 11:43 PM
1

Not many responses because trial is rare. Expect a lot of last minute negotiations, right up until the minute you’re supposed to walk into the courtroom.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 01:51 AM
3

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/k7LMPnfcrB You asked this before. Her parents are supporting her, possibly with business assets like a company car. How this got by in the initial judgement and her income wasn’t imputed…?
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 01:38 AM
1

It’s just that they don’t. Multiple overt violations and each time judge ignored them, kicked the can down the road so they were wiped away in mediation, or came back at me for being a whiny little bitch I guess. Don’t trust the system. I say play the game.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/25 12:47 AM
1

Custody is modifiable…just not usually in a favorable way to fathers. I’d put the odds on 66-33 becoming 70-30 before 50-50.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/25 12:34 AM
1

She is not interested and doesn’t care that it bothers you. Think this will be the last time you say that? Forget what it is specifically about, that statement boils it down. Now it’s her weight, then it will be letting you sleep on the couch so she can sleep with the baby, then it will be her going out with her momma friends, then…. Then you’re all the more in, and when she’s ready, what will it be that bothers you but she does it anyway?
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/25 12:14 AM
1

Why separate lawyers? There are collaborative divorce forms. One mediator, a CDFP, and a lawyer to write the decree.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/25 05:36 AM
1

Eventually custody is easily modifiable: Judge: would you rather go camping with dad and stay in his apartment, or travel internationally with mom and go back to the house your mom kept? Kids: well duh Mom: cool, and I’ll use the child support you pay to buy them gifts that you can’t, after paying child support!
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 04:30 PM
4

Break you financially with endless motions and accusations, lie to take the kids, drag your mental health down so you take whatever they offer in mediation. This is the legal strategy at work. You’re in a shit dilemma. You try to maintain expecting to recoup later, and if it doesn’t work you’re saddled with debt. You give up and the court says, oh he can live on less…let’s see how much less. She has the financial upper hand and can/will send her lawyer $$$ for no other reason than knowing you ha…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 07:19 AM
2

Document that she took kid and every time you’ve asked to see him and she’s denied it. If your lawyer gives some flaccid response, erm well in 3 months we’ll have a hearing and get it all sorted out then don’t worry, have a line of consults ready to find one who will stop your STBXWs shit now. Look into filing police reports for custodial interference or abduction. If your lawyer says naw we don’t need to do that he’s banking on billable hours for a custody dispute. Push the slider to 11 now to …
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 06:57 AM
4

This. Your 401k isn’t worth $40k. It’s worth $40k - taxes. Your house is worth sell price - mortgage fees - cost to sell (if that’s what you do). Income and her housing challenges are her problems. If she doesn’t want a job, vocational assessment and the judge can decide what she’s worth. Don’t bother with mediation until after discovery is complete, set your hard lines, and don’t let mediator or settlement artist lawyer talk you into an unfair deal. Currently you’re supporting her taking her ti…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 06:38 AM
4

The fuck man. You talk to other lawyers? Is this temporary or final judgement? Sounds final, and like wtf did your lawyer do? Alimony is supposed to maintain standard of living. Did you not request all her financial records and business records in discovery? If she had a company car that implies a business relationship. If she’s getting cash, that is income. See those credit card statements. Look at her spending for the last 3 years. If you ain’t paying those credit card bills then where’s the m…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/25 01:43 AM
4

$310k is a metric shit ton. But aside from that, I’m moving to LATM. My kids are 2 years from being done, and my ex makes a shit ton too, so I’m not moving to dodge alimony. Which, in your case, 7k is ridiculous too. Is that a temporary judgement or what she’s asking for? A vocational assessment and accusations that she is willfully un/underemployed are in order. With teens there’s no reason she can’t work, and if her father has a company that can pay you $310k, why isn’t she in an executive pos…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 09:47 AM
7

I expressed love in a way that she didn’t understand and same with her. Putting aside anything that she might have done to move toward divorce, you didn’t give her what she needed and vice versa. I tried with my ex, to show her when I was expressing love when she maybe didn’t see it. She refused to participate. I loved my last partner intensely but struggled knowing that for her to be happy she needed something I couldn’t give her. I wanted her to be the best version of herself and wasn’t sure s…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 04:01 PM
3

Thinking of the years I had sex with my ex after losing all attraction for her grosses me out. Time and life wasted. Invested in a person that didn’t deserve me. That and all the betrayal after what I put in. Any feelings for her died with the TRO. She is just really gone. I don’t long for the decent version of her from when we first met, there’s just this 20-year sickness. If she hadn’t been so awful during the divorce, I’d maybe feel some sympathy for her, but that’s hard to imagine now. Once …
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 05:16 AM
8

Maybe you’re in your rebuilding phase. Dumbass here married twice. In both marriages I gave up myself for the relationship. Still don’t feel like I have much to offer, but it’s a function of giving away who I was to be who I thought she wanted me to be, then going thru a divorce that attacked the only identity I had left: man and father, human. I dated a really beautiful woman for a while and was always asking myself why she’d be with me. Of you’re 2 years in it hasn’t been an easy divorce and I…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 03:58 AM
1

And it lets you take more control of the process. If ChatGPT is throwing things out and your lawyer is just telling you there’s nothing he can do…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 08:48 PM
9

This. She wants to be”friends” (fuck me and unclog the toilet because I don’t have anybody else to do it right now) then leave in her own terms when she’s ready (new man or whatever). You took control, that’s why she’s pissed. Not clear if you’re out or if there are kids with this one, but no kids, make sure all that matters goes with you if you move out again.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 08:47 PM
2

I use it to see what legal options I might have available. Helps for when talking with lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 06:25 PM
1

Yeah but she dumped the cats on him. Time will heal this man.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 04:47 PM
2

My experience with the GAL was pretty awful. She never talked to me, but I’d go at it as if I was in an interrogation room with homicide detectives for a murder i had nothing to do with. Remain cool and calm, think before you speak. My lawyer called GALs gods, and once mine got in her head what she wanted there was nothing that could be done.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/25 09:35 AM
3

No kids, simple finances, clean break (ie, your divorce is basically a breakup and when it’s done you will never have to see or interact with her again for any reason)? Sit down with your ex, write up terms, have an attorney review. Kids, assets, or future issues of childcare and support? You’re setting yourself up for a world of pain and future legal expenses. if your ex is onboard with minimizing your expenses, get a mediator with a lawyer on staff who can write terms into final decree.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/25 08:03 PM
2

Mediated divorce. If you can’t do that you can’t DIY it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/25 07:37 PM
4

You don’t start with “I’m not going to ask for”. The court will take all that it can from you in due time, and even if you start at reasonable, that is just where you start. Given the disparity in income, she can make this horrible for you. War of attrition horrible. You will lose. You may change your mind when you don’t have your kids, and you pay Miss $400,000 a year child support, you’re still out of work, you find yourself struggling, and kids want to stay with momma cause she kept the house…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/25 12:33 AM
3

Which state? My experience in Utah, OC got even temporary support denied despite 2.5x income difference and 7 years as SAHD by labeling me voluntarily underemployed. Cost me about 20k to find that out. Judge reasoned that I could have half our savings and use it for legal fees and living expenses. Eventually did get small amount of support in judicial settlement, but spent $20k to keep my pre-marital retirement, and ended up letting go of support— judge was poised to throw out evidence showing r…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 07:27 PM
10

Yeah man, she’s toying with you. Seeing how much more you can give, and keeping you as her backup plan when things don’t work out how she thought they would. Cut her off first, or wait until she’s ready to cut you off.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 09:42 AM
2

Lawyer 2, but don’t move out of the house. That’s suspect. Have cameras in the house and record with phone. Wait until she does something again, crumple like a scared fawn, call police and have her moved out. A bruise is a nice touch. Then you can make a reasonable offer in mediation. In family court, you get your heel on the neck. A woman will not let up once that happens because the court will protect sister in anyway they can vs bad man. Or, you can ask her to go to discernment therapy with y…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 07:29 AM
4

We’re here for you man.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 03:30 AM
18

How many here were in an emotionally void marriage for 5, 10, 15 out more years? Once you pull the trigger you want to see if you can feel something again. I grieved the end of my marriage almost a decade before the divorce happened.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 12:48 AM
1

Thanks. I know I’m not alone and don’t want any other man going thru this to think they are, or believe they are the problem, could have done more, or are disposable. But we have a culture and system that sure does emphasize that we are the problem.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 12:33 AM
1

Ex, OC, Ms GAL, and her honor, see you next Tuesday. Already took all that mattered so don’t matter if you get that, cause what? Jail? Ok.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/25 04:27 AM
1

Yeah. Not knowing. Best advice I’ve heard is that there is always an element of impulsivity to suicide, that there is no one reason, that it was a choice—a choice to die instead of reach out, that in one moment death was the only way to escape the pain they were feeling at that moment. And for you to go on knowing all that, knowing you’ll never know, you have to come up with a story that you can live with. Reach out if you want. I go to a suicide bereavement group online and people there talk bl…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/25 03:37 AM
2

My ex did this, just did what she wanted in violation of parenting plan. Got what she wanted. Courts response was schedule mediation weeks away, then months away I might get a hearing. So, it’ll be a moot point and I’ll spend $10k.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 07:02 PM
1

Listen to this. Move money. It partially saved me. In mediation a lot can be wiped away as well…ex played that card to great effect.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 06:58 PM
5

I was momentarily relieved when the final decree was signed. I didn’t get 50-50 but I thought, well at least I know what I’m getting. Come to find out ex still gets to violate parenting time at will and it’s not an automatic contempt. I get to go back to mediation. Like, WTF is there to mediate? It’s just more money lost, and I’m guessing that custody will be renegotiated in her favor or changed by the judge if I throw $10k to take it to a hearing.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 06:55 PM
11

Yup. Second divorce 18 years later. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, won’t get fooled again.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 02:32 PM
1

File now. If she gets a lawyer and moves away with the kids, she’ll try to establish status quo. You will be in for a fight. A temporary injunction after she is served will prevent that, or at least make it harder. If you get lucky she choose the AP over her kids too, but when momma realizes she can’t have both… Also, it’s hard to tell what custody schedule you’ve established. Again, status quo can be your friend or your enemy. If she’s not working and taking care of the kids because you can’t, …
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 05:45 AM
3

So I can throw in a few perspectives. My ex has been a monster. When our kids are old enough I will wipe her existence from my mind. Basically she’s an old water heater, and if I was aware of its continued function I would only care if my kids didn’t have hot water. If she hadn’t been hostile, I think we’d have worked some together and that might have raised some complicated feelings. I never got to consider the possibility. Suicide of a partner. I can speak to that as well. Mine died by suicide…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 04:59 AM
2

Mid 50s, not where I expected to be and making it up as I go.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 09:11 PM
2

Baja. I like the ocean here, and if you want you can hang out with Mexicans or like minded expats. Culturally it can’t compete with the mainland. I spent a few weeks in La Paz and it grew on me, met a very sweet girl and got to know the city a bit better. I’m off to a pretty remote fishing village that has very little to offer but good fishing, nice beaches for me and doggo to swim, and a bit of peace. I liked Veracruz, Xalapa, and Coatepec, all doable in the same trip, and Guanajuato is really …
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 05:18 PM
2

I’m tired of being blamed for all women’s issues. Mankeeping, hearing how marriage benefits men more than women, feeling like I have to earn my place. I’d take a partner but not a wife.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 02:43 PM
1

Mexico 🇲🇽
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 02:39 PM
0

Google “statistics men with 50-50 custody in divorce” and look at the images that show custody by state. Fewer than 20 top out at 50-50, meaning most would be showing women landing 60-75%. Sperm and child support makes us fathers.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 02:21 AM
1

Finding a neutral marriage counselor, good luck with that. The best I found was a discernment counselor whose job was to get both to either agree to divorce or commit to stay. She called my ex out on the precipitating event for the divorce and ex went scorched earth. Other experiences, I didn’t have a father figure and continue to seek one (ex vigorously shaking her head in agreement), I wasn’t breastfed enough (blank check for ex to do what she wanted), and last one was too little/too late and …
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 02:15 AM
2

OPs doing a lot to excuse ex’s behavior. IDK about CPS, and I’m suspicious of GALs. But if you don’t do something tomorrow you’re the one on the hot seat because why did you endanger your child? Why did you take him back? Maybe you’re the one playing custody games. Recordings I don’t think will help you, and kids may be protective of abusers when asked. In Utah there’s Om’s law, based on a kid ordered back to father under alienation accusations when he didn’t want to go. Asswipe killed himself a…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 02:06 AM
4

Yeah. About right. I’m leaving the US for LATM. Not to be a passport bro, but my experience here vs US so far is that the pool is less…typical white woman. Future marriage is pretty much off the table and old and alone doesn’t sound too bad.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 01:54 AM
2

Start a journal of your good memories and your life story. Make them a photo album.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 04:42 AM
3

Contact voices of hope on Facebook. It’s not men only but deals with alienation and custody, and family court corruption.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 05:01 PM
1

Look on Facebook and Instagram. Fathers Rights movement, anti-alienation project, voices of hope. Maybe in 30 years…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 09:34 PM
1

Delete (but save for motion) from current financial obligations to basis for. Replace next 2 paragraphs with “section X allows for modification…in addition need to address, now, custodial interference in violation of”. Replace last 2 with what is your plan? You will need overwhelming proof of alienation…especially in courts that don’t believe in it out of there is an RO or GAL. My perception is lawyers don’t have the attention span or want problems that are simple and easily solved. Also take th…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 06:10 PM
1

This is what I went thru, and — foreshadowing — am still. I have been where you are. What you are thinking and feeling I can affirm is valid, but I’m also at the point where I’m pretty convinced I’m mentally ill. I reached the point of doing the same family court calculus. Is it better for me to quit fighting, disappear, stand up at my next hearing and tell the judge to eat a dick because after taking all that matters all she has left to do is take my freedom, or unalive just to end the process …
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 04:53 PM
1

My therapist is a custody evaluator and victim of parental alienation. His advice has been to play the long game. Stay in touch even if you never get anything back. Live long because kids come around and realize what happened. I made a photo album for my kids. One to give to them now, another later, in case they feel they have to trash, hide, or lose the first to stay in mommas good graces. Not easy turning your eyes from the abuse your kids have to go thru in their best interest. Not easy heari…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 04:18 PM
1

You might spend $50k at trial for a chance of getting $5k. Judge might decide she needs support to help pay her lease and the credit card debt that she can’t afford. She might get a frowney face from his honor. Maybe you can get her debt assigned to her in mediation. Your ex did what every man should do. Running to the store for a pack of smokes, be right back.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 04:01 PM
2

No lawyer…why not? Be the adult? You’ll be the only one. Sure, mediation is the way to go if everybody is an adult. But, if I was her lawyer, I’d say, take mediation. I’d tell her how to get what she wants and we’d get it, with lies, deceit, pressure, fear, and threats. The mediator will help because you think he’s their to keep it fair and reasonable. He is not. He’s there to get a settlement so judge can’t miss a day at the country club. Maybe with the mediator. Mediation, done right, is a way…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 03:48 PM
1

No. Why would you even think this?
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 02:59 PM
3

Ya bro. I played by the rules and paid dearly. Next chapter: I get to go back to court to enforce the parenting plan. First I have to go to mediation, because for what other law or legal agreement do you negotiate with the party that breaks it. Next I expect the judge will find a way to blame me for her not adhering to the parenting plan so she can punish me. I do this because I will tell my kids one day that I never stopped fighting. I never left them. But there’s a reasonable argument to be ma…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 07:13 AM
4

I learned too late. There is no presumption of innocence or due process in family court, and hearsay is easier than evidence. Twice I’ve had judges look at evidence, once that she asked for and again that would eliminate any conflict and resolve an issue. First time judge thought she had me in a “lie” until I pulled out a binder, then she literally said “let’s just take mommas numbers.” It’s in the transcript…oh wait, there are no transcripts in family court. Second time judge just decided to br…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 06:51 AM
4

Domestic violence. You will regret not filing a police report tonight. You have a silver bullet, or at least some defense for when she concocts something to get you out of the house with a TRO. If you don’t she has crazy and a friendly witness in the house, and you’re going to be fitted for bracelets and dragged thru family court by your wallet. Call the police, make sure you say how scared you were when she started throwing things, and you waited out of fear and what effect it would have on you…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 06:04 AM
1

Yeah. Don’t leave the house or even the bedroom. You need to be a Jedi zen master. Not a drop of alcohol. Cross your fingers that she finds an AP for her happily ever after or hands you a silver bullet that you will make into the worst assault ever seen with the police cars and the bruises and the trip to the hospital. I threw a sponge into the sink, so I’m basically OJ Simpson. Expect Tiger mom to fight for her babies and court will see her as mother of the year no matter what the reality is. D…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 12:53 AM
1

7 years SAHD while momma climbed corporate ladder. At temporary motions OC convinced judge I was intentionally underemployed and could be making an insane amount of money, so her honor gave me half our savings and said there’s your legal fees and living expenses. By judicial settlement guess the balances for me and my ex’s accounts and who pays child support. Anyway, OP, you haven’t filed. Find ways to prepare so you don’t get screwed so bad. Do what you have to do to get by until you are ready …
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 12:34 AM
2

He hasn’t filed, so…prepare. This can include job loss or career change maybe. Getting her to work. Building a war chest/go bag. Get by however you can within the limits of your moral code, not the societal covenants of marriage. When he’s ready, try a controlled dissolution of the marriage, and if she’s unreasonable he has the ready to put her under his heel from day 1. Including creating a conflict of interest by consulting with every decent lawyer in town.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 10:11 PM
6

This is domestic violence the moment she wrecked you TV. As in police, fearing your are next, and some World Cup performance about how scared you are. But you won’t do that because it’s not right. For women it is exactly the argument they will make that will get you bracelets, criminal charges, and a restraining order. Forget the other financial and emotional abuse. Nobody cares—if they did divorce would be different. I’ll give you the advice a hen gave my ex: tell her you want to work on the ma…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 10:05 PM
1

Right, you don’t want to drag the kids thru fighting to be relevant in their lives. Fair. Flip it. Do you want to roll and let their mom +/- her boyfriend raise them? This benefits the kids because, why, it’s better for this woman, who is willing to get ugly to get whatever she can, to be their role model? The other argument is that yes, it is better to roll (eg, to preserve assets for kids) as long as you commit to staying in their lives in the background. Neither are easy roads. Man’s choice t…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 09:55 PM
2

When the divorce was filed there should have been some injunction that laid out rules until the temporary orders hearing. This would include relationships with kids, what you can do with assets, and insurance. In my state changes to insurance are explicitly prohibited. Temp orders should clarify that until final orders.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 09:48 PM
4

Gift horse in the mouth man. Flip it and you’d be asking why you, a good man doing the right thing for your kid, is losing her.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/25 06:44 AM
3

Regret divorce, not leaving. Bide your time, prepare yourself financially, physically, legally, and mentally. If you can start building a cash stash, I mean, courts going to help her take more than her share and that ain’t fair either. Start traveling for business, hunting trips, time with the friends you neglected, a lot. Work travel and hunting trips bought me 10 years. If I’d wanted I coulda done anything while away at work but I was a simp. The marriage was inevitably going to end. If I’d pr…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 07:03 AM
8

My ex didn’t disclose an account. Just didn’t. I was able to prove it with tax return. Before judicial settlement she just spent it all. Judge berated me for bringing it up because there was nothing in the account and you can’t divide 0. Family court logic.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 06:55 AM
3

It’s the way it works. Make you look awful to win favor with friends and in court. By the end I stopped trying to defend myself. When I’d respond to her bat shit motions it was just cut and paste: false, irrelevant, exaggerated, and/or meant to defame. By that time it was clear judge wasn’t reading the endless response to the response to the motion for… and was going to do what she was going to do no matter what I said or did.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 05:41 AM
4

Right, and now she has no incentive to move the divorce forward. Mediation is shit. If your lawyer got you into this place he may be a settlement shit ball. More interested in clearing a case and moving to next. If she goes scorched earth, hurting you becomes more important than anything else. Makes no sense, but a bigger slice of a smaller pie is a win for her. If there’s no basis for a restraining order, this is the silver bullet. In family court there is no presumption of innocence, hearsay >…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 05:28 AM
5

Marriage counseling. Hah. I wasn’t breastfed enough. Look up NPD in women, DARVO, and echoism. No more chances. You can try discernment counseling. The idea is that you both resolve to commit to the marriage, or choose divorce together. My ex felt it was invalidating, probably because she had to accept some responsibility. But having some woman counselor validate your wife’s right to her womanhood is the matriarchy. Or get your shit together. Financial. Have money somewhere, know your joint acco…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 01:38 AM
6

Divorce “law” is not simple. The law is what the judge decides based on what got in his or her craw that day. They count on you not having been thru this before, not knowing how the system works. You can use ChatGPT to get an idea of what your legal options are and how the court is supposed to work. This can inform conversations with your lawyer, but what actually happens, nobody the fuck knows until sometime after it’s happened. This is how the court works, and I don’t think it’s an accident—it…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 12:38 AM
1

FMLA. You qualify. If you can extend it to short term disability for mental health, do it. Your psyche should support you. Your job is less important than the shit you are trying to manage, and trying to soldier thru is not worth the cost. Any one of these would be hard enough. You can PM me.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/25 04:44 AM
1

This can’t be said enough. Get the strongest position you can, any way you can, every way you can. Then, when you are safe, your rights as a father are secure, and you are not looking at financial ruin in support or legal fees defending yourself, then be a man and do what is best. You are in a system with built in biases and no due process, where hearsay is better than evidence. By the time most men realize this, their ex has the family court boot on their neck, and they aren’t letting up. Honor…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/25 04:35 AM
3

Do you have bruises, trips to the ER, and police reports? If not, there was no abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/25 10:59 PM
1

I already started divorce? If not sell her property and pay off her debt before saying anything. But sounds like it’s too late for that.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/25 04:53 PM
1

Eh, don’t look to a GAL to save you. They are lawyers, not psychologists or child psychologists. They can lie, bully, threaten, ignore evidence, only see what they want to “in the best interest of the kids”…anything the cops or a lawyer can do. They know they carry outsized weight with the judge, and at least both my lawyers were afraid to stand up to them or challenge them. Like, here’s the email with her shallow “analysis” and a threat—er, let’s take that out of the motion. Tread carefully.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 07:09 PM
1

Yeah, family court and OC will cure you of any guilt you might have soon enough. You won’t have been cruel enough. If it’s too much, you can ask her for a mediated divorce or discernment therapy where you decide to separate together (or if there is mutual commitment to staying together).
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 05:34 PM
3

Yes. I think that’s why the narcissist label gets applied so often. Your ex and the court will make you into something you aren’t and never were. When judges side with your ex when she’s clearly lying or violating orders it validates that you are defective. This bled into my work and other relationships, to my detriment. For a time I’d start each session with therapists asking if I was crazy or delusional. I’m still not sure. I have to go back sometimes and read the proof of her lies and betraya…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 05:29 PM
1

Not true. 50-50 is not the default assumption. Expect to fight for it, expect to have lawyers, judge, and friends of court make you. Expect fear and threats of worse to be used to sign away 50-50. Walk the fuck out of mediation if less than 50-50 is the starting point. And get another lawyer if he doesn’t tell anybody suggesting you should get less than 50-50 to piss off, punch him if he suggests you take less than 50-50.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 02:54 PM
2

Listen to this. She would run you into the ground at your kids expense. Then she would not stop until there was nothing left. The court will hold her hand. Run her into the ground. When you have control of the legal process, you, being a man and not a spiteful bitch, can reverse and do what is logically best for your kid. Women and courts do not apply logic, but being a decent male, you can. But counting on the family court system to act in your kids best interest makes you a simp and a target f…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 02:30 PM
8

About the same here. There's some stuff about how being in a narcissistic relationship induces a trauma response, and how in divorce the narcissist goes all in with tearing you down because they know the game is over. That's where I am, and the court process just piled it all on. Still in survival mode from the divorce and other things. 3 years out now, and it's not all the divorce, but relationships don't much interest me for about the same reasons. I'll meet somebody and then just noncommit an…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 04:07 AM
2

In La Paz now. How’s the language barrier? That’s killing me.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 03:47 AM
4

/PassportBros
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 03:46 AM
5

When we got married I had symbols carved on it for significant events in our relationship. Our first date, a vacation we went on, blah blah blah. I left room to add to it over the marriage but after the first kid we didn’t do anything together. She only suggested adding a new symbol once out of spite. I took it off, tossed it in a duffle bag to deal with later. 3 years on I have no idea where it is or what became of it. Don’t care a bit.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 07:50 AM
3

That's me too. Take the time I get, stop expecting any response from the kids, bank or them coming around to see me for who I am and not who my ex made me out to be. FWIW, what you're doing is what therapists are telling me I need to be doing. I'm rooting for you too and appreciate you reaching out.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 03:29 AM
1

I've seen it go both ways. Stay with the wife and it works out, or ditch the wife and go with the AP and still have a decent relationship with the kids. The former, kids were under maybe 5-12, both ended up basically taking a break from the marriage, and AFAIK they came back together. It wasn't easy on the kids, that intermediate space where dad has a girlfriend. The latter, the ex wife was a homebody anyway and just let herself go after the divorce. Kids were little and guy was an asshole havin…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 03:27 AM
1

Thanks for asking. I've had a pretty hard go for the last 3 years. Ups and downs with the kid. Lots more money thrown at lawyers for no good reason and even with a final decree signed, and a few other things that would be awful enough on their own. Can't say that things are better or that much worse. Kids will be 18 in a few more months so I guess that's something to look forward to. Sort of. Sorry I can't be more positive. Hope you're not going thru this shit.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/25 06:17 AM
1

If you are amicable, try to work out support and childcare so you’re doing what’s best for your kid. The best way is without lawyers in a collaborative divorce, but she already has a lawyer, yes? All that you do for your kid could mean naught if your ex decides to fight. She can make you look like a deadbeat, and might when she sees what she would owe in child support. If she has money, she might get you in a fight that will minimize child support for her but cost more than if you’d kept providi…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 02:36 AM
3

Yeah. Anybody tells you to move out is setting you up, including your lawyer. Be prepared for the silver bullet to get you out. Record, be a zen Jedi master, and for god sakes if she touches you have a bruise and call the police.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 11:56 PM
2

You’re so cute. It’s standard to lie and cheat in divorce because there are no consequences. If you have nothing to hide you’re doing it wrong. Any misdeeds will be wiped away in confidential mediation. Your STBX figured this out. Man’s gotta have a code, but honesty and transparency are punished in family court.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 05:55 AM
1

No. There is a “transcript” but it’s just a few lines of what the judge might have ruled. Not enough to go back to see wait, did the judge really say that? Family court works because it all happens in secret.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 05:46 AM
1

There are others here that can help you with how to do it. The thing is, you can bankrupt yourself so that your ex can take care of the kids after, or you can plan ahead so that you can take care of the kids too. Especially if you’re looking at child support and alimony. The courts don’t think about What that leaves you with, they don’t think about what that leaves the kids with when they are with you. As a man being the low earner, the funniest thing I ever heard was that the court would mainta…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 04:58 PM
1

ChatGPT has more ideas about how to resolve issues than my lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 06:13 AM
4

You need to read about silver bullet divorces, the court sanctioned way of getting rid of a man. If she can’t get you to leave, she can use the police and a false accusation to have the police make you leave. don’t believe she won’t do it: he hit me, he’s hurting the kids, he’s touching the kids inappropriately. You do need to stay, and don’t move out of the bedroom. Move her ass out. There are already enough men sleeping on couches. If you move out and leave the kids with her, there’s no guaran…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 05:54 PM
2

Start hiding some money now. Know your finances and who is primary on all accounts. Keep getting by, get yourself mentally, emotionally, socially, physically, and financially prepared. Get your records together for any premarital assets you had or that she may claim. If most of what you have came during the marriage, it should be as simple as divide by 2. Focus on time with the kids, but start building the post-kids you. Having kids taken, on top of losing house, money, everything about married …
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 01:14 PM
14

Umm, or hang on when boss momma decides she wants to show she can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let to forget you’re a man. If she’s ascended to executive management, NPD is the type willing to do that job. Get ur shit together, fake it until you are lawyered, know where the money is and have a safe stash for your legal fees, know state’s one party consent for recording, educate yourself of silver bullets, and have a therapist. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did what soc…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 12:56 PM
4

ChatGPT told me to read it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 04:29 AM
4

My partner did as well. All you do is hand your pain to everybody around you. That said, it's my daily question. Your kids are old enough that you can walk away.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 04:29 AM
3

OP needs to know what a silver bullet divorce is. I fled a false DV setup with my kids. They still hold it against me, that I was keeping them from their dear mother, and it only facilitated the parental alienation that followed. Can’t win.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 02:40 PM
3

A friend of 30 years chose the matriarchy over our friendship and schemed with my ex. That was how my divorce started. My divorce was the divorce she didn’t get. Yeah, fuck her.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 07:53 AM
10

You were always the villian. Men are the villians in every family courtroom. Every man walking into a divorce needs to know this.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 01:07 AM
1

Don’t be afraid to get up and walk out, even against your lawyers advice. Mediation is about breaking one party.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 09:22 AM
4

Since divorcing, and in going thru the divorce process with ex, I’ve come to realize the extent of her abuse. Nobody gets it because I don’t have bruises, but I’ve learned about how narcissists manipulate and abuse, DARVO, parental allegation that starts even before divorce, how narcissists seek out echoism. I look back on when we were dating. She did hit me a few times and I didn’t stand up for myself, fell into typical victim behavior. Other things she did that at the time were playful but I r…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 08:34 PM
5

We all live in BIOTKs states, which some judges interpret as go to momma, momma knows best, or maintain the status quo. So start the divorce by taking the kids, enroll them in school, settle them into a routine -- OR -- get dad kicked out of the house and settled into a routine. Dad calmly sits and waits expecting justice will be served at a hearing months down the road and instead watches the judge say s/he doesn't want to disrupt the kids lives, so dad can see them on weekends, but he can't se…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 04:18 AM
12

54, divorced 3 years ago with ongoing drama from ex and a year out of losing woman who I'd been looking for all my life. After seeing the dating pool I'm pretty near done.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 08:50 PM
1

This. Divorce 101 trick. The pension administrator should be used to value the pension. They will have rules and a process for dividing it in divorce. You should be able to get a statement from them that will show present value.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 12:12 PM
2

Right, she wants to do this at her pace so when things get hard she can run back to you for a pick me up, then get back to leaving. Get your shit together mentally and financially cause I’d you think she has a lawyer, you’re going to be caught with your pants around your ankles when she decides it’s time. You don’t want that.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 12:01 PM
3

Pretty much staying just so she doesn’t win my retirement. Kids already bought her story, figure chances of them “coming around” one day are slim. She wanted to break me, my mistake was not setting out to destroy her. Simp to the end.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 11:57 AM
3

The hens will coach her on what to do to get all she can. Don’t give up anything that isn’t ordered by the court. They’ll take enough. If she’s serious about doing it friendly, find a divorce mediator, one of the collaborative divorce groups. Just know exactly what you have going in because lying is protected in mediation.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 12:17 AM
5

You won’t find anything resembling justice in family court. No kids. Gather up what you can and walk.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 12:12 AM
2

Yeah, I quit talking about my divorce to anybody other than therapists. Kept getting asked “what did you do to make her so mad? You must not be telling me everything.”
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 06:40 PM
1

Not every kick in the balls is a lesson. Usually it’s just a kick in the balls.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 06:23 PM
2

Child support is not negotiable, it’s determined by the state. A common trap is for mom to promise not to ask for child support in exchange for alimony or something else, get all the divorce documents signed and finalized, and then go back to court afterwards for state mandated child support. Don’t start with concessions. The court will take plenty from you. If you start at reasonable, you’ll end up conceding anyway. Fair, reasonable, rational do not exist in divorce. Our system is built on conf…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 06:20 PM
1

I hear this over and over. 3 years now of my ex controlling when and if my kids see me, twisting facts when she denies me time with them, her family, the court and all its bottom feeders aiding her. It’s the relentless hostility and rejection from the kids tho, and how they embrace their mother. Just like in the marriage, I’ll never be able to do enough for them, they’ll shit on my like they saw their mother do, and I’ll just keep coming back. While this is all good advice, staying the course an…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 06:13 PM
2

So what would you tell your teenage kids? They just about cut me out of their lives, when they see me it's only on the condition that they are getting something and they will say they wouldn't come by choice. Before the divorce I was SAHD, did everything with them. I fucked up like any other parent does, but compared to how I was raised, these kids have no idea. Would you tell them about the false accusations, the declarations from her family and friends? The texts her mom had with friends who t…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 04:42 AM
1

A man being the victim of abuse. That's a novel concept. I have therapists tell me over and over again that I was the victim, but it doesn't matter. Family court don't care. Doubt kids will care. I just want out at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 04:30 AM
1

Lie about the rebound, er, let her carryon believing that the stock is worthless, give her chump change in meditation or make a bunch of concessions to get the settlement date back when the stock was worthless, disappear your gains. Everything that happens in meditation is confidential. Family court punishes honesty and integrity, and rewards deception and anything underhanded.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 06:45 AM
1

This is where we are. My info is in, she submitted some, 3 emails from my lawyer to hers with no response over almost 2 months now.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 06:47 PM
3

Look up Amy baker beyond the higher road. Helps navigate what they can and need to know vs what you know.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 06:06 PM
15

Silver bullet divorce. This is a legal strategy and it works. Family court has no presumption of innocence or due process, and she said/SHE said standard for evidence. Every man should know this because yes she will do it. At least the RO was denied. Sorry man.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 06:22 PM
1

Silver bullet divorce. False DV filed in family court where there is no presumption of innocence or due process, and the standard of evidence on a playground is higher. Woman gets kids and house, you might get the clothes you can stuff in a bag as the police walk you out. File first (you don’t have to serve), record, beware the friend of hers that comes to visit = friendly witness. The disposition of property comes with the final decree. The house won’t be sold until divorce is final.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 06:11 PM
1

I wish my ex dumped my kid on me. Instead she just tells me sorry, they don’t want to come over, but they were in a play last night and I’ll send pictures. Another month without seeing them. I sit here to be available but wonder if they’d even notice if I just fucked off, just staying because “one day they’ll realize you were there for them and they’ll come back.”
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 06:54 PM
8

My ex tried to bait me into a domestic violence charge. Even brought along a friendly witness who could attest that whatever she said happened was true, maybe that she was scared for her daughter’s life, I raised my hand, shouted a threat, waved around fork in a threatening manner, IDK, and thank God the police came so quickly. Pretty sure if I’d have opened the door that day I’d have left in bracelets. Not because I’m violent, just that when the police come to a DV call somebody is going to jai…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 03:53 AM
4

Ya, my ex hid an account. When I found it she just spent it all. Judge told me I was being belligerent when I brought it up cause there wasn’t nothing to divide. And if you’re spending it on things you need to live, can’t fault you for that. Maybe some of those things get returned for cash, I don’t know. And stop trying to do the right thing. There is no right. It’s what you can vs cannot get away with. Doing the right thing counts for nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 03:39 PM
2

And still manipulating you. Friendly hey let’s just work this out nice like is to see if she can cheat and lie to get what she wants. If you don’t do what she wants it’ll be back to scorched earth. My ex did same…let’s mediate…so I can lie about my retirement accounts and assets (cause mediation is all confidential). When I asked for statements, withdraw the TRO, remove the GAL, and stood ground on 50-50 she went back to doing awful shit and filled a motion fit 70-30. Looking back tho, fighting …
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 09:43 AM
2

Yup. They will look not even at what you are making, but what you may be able to make. You work 2 jobs, quit one because working 60 hrs and 7 days a week isn’t something you can actually do and see your kids, well, you’ve shown you can work 2 jobs and make more, so we’ll impute you at that income and modify custody because you work too much. STBX says he’s intentionally underemployed and says here’s a job where he’s qualified and make more, we’ll impute that salary. Unemployed for years to be a …
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 03:52 PM
1

Kicked out by STBX or police? Kicked out by ex is "father left voluntarily and abandoned child. Poor momma." On your side is the documentation that you were trying to get more time, but your lawyer--and you do have a lawyer right--should have put a stop to that shit with an emergency order. Walked out by police with an RO is a different matter that isn't going to play well, false or exaggerated doesn't matter. Quit letting your STBX drive the process. Once you are on the defensive, you have noth…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 06:44 PM
1

Did you move out and leave the kid with STBX without a temporary order in place? What’s the story with supervised visits? I mean, 8 months of status quo and already only seeing kid supervised is going to be hard to fight, especially if you basically agreed to it. I’m surprised your lawyer let that happen if there wasn’t an RO or some thing. Agreements between parties are unenforceable…lucky STBX let you see kid at all. The final decree will handle issues like moving out of state. There is a proc…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 06:14 PM
2

Again, hopefully an ex parte emergency order. A little fluffy thing won’t be heard for weeks or months, and you’ll spend most of that time tossing back and forth responses to the response to the response to the motion for…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 06:42 PM
1

She comes back to the house…you changed locks, right? You can ask her to leave and when she doesn’t it’s a police matter. She comes in anyway, that’s B&E and you’re scared for your life. Roles reversed, this is what my lawyer told me would happen if u came back. 2 years everything I owned was in my house, and my ex decided what I got, if anything, and when I got it. Man, she can do this. She will. And the court will let her if it doesn’t facilitate it. You being calm doesn’t count (unless you ar…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 06:20 PM
2

Don’t take legal advice from the opposing party. Relying on the courts, hah. Good luck with that. No threats, blindside. If you have a lawyer and she doesn’t, look into an ex parte emergency order. Alienation is a poison. Once it’s in, the effects last and take a long time to heal. The longer this goes on, the more likely the judge is to babble status quo best interest of the child momma knows best. Um, also, you can pick your child up from daycare, yes?
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 05:24 PM
4

My fucking lawyer passed on ex’s offer to waive child support for other financial concessions. My lawyer. I called him out on it…child support is calculated and not negotiable. Dirty divorce tricks 101 is to toss this out, get the deal done, then go back later and demand child support.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 03:44 PM
1

First thing my ex did as part of financially strangling me. Nobody cared, no repercussions, even tho it is a blatant violation of the DRI. And I had my kids with me, out of state. I ran up debt and ex decided how joint bank accounts were divided. Nobody cares.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 03:41 PM
2

My ex spent about $60k to beat me into paying $14k in child support. She makes 2x what I do, kept the house and got a sweet buyout deal. Held my premarital retirement account hostage to the tune of another $20k and to negotiate away the SS that would have covered some of my legal fees. Her and kids are going on a pretty awesome vacation in a couple months, she got them new phones, new clothes and luggage, pretty much whatever they want. At this point I get them whatever they want because WTH, an…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 07:28 AM
6

This same thing was part of the defamation my ex used against me. Part of her TRO was that I had an abnormal relationship with my kids, that I was emotionally dependent on them, that they needed to be with friends and I was keeping them to myself. She got family and friends to back it up. It rubbed off on the kids, so they didn't want to see dad for about the first year of the divorce, got settled into life with their loving mother, who moved from 50-50, to 60-40 because the kids don't want to g…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 02:40 AM
1

Retirement should be divided by QDRO. You agree on percents, submit statements, pay another lawyer accountant to execute. So if she’s lying (which my ex did do in mediation and nobody cared), the statement will show the balance and that will be divided per the agreement. If you agreed on dollars, then that’s what you done did. So did you look at yours, then hers, and say there’s an $X difference so I need to pay you $Y? Ugh. Lying is a valid and protected strategy in mediation. If there was a fi…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 02:50 PM
4

Seriously. Fuck her.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 02:28 PM
3

This. Hen told my ex…pretend everything is fine, you want to work on the marriage, stroke his ego, then when he least expects it… Record and talk to a lawyer while you’re getting your shit straight.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 04:36 AM
5

I thought I’d be free, finally. Mostly lost my kid, good chunk of net worth sent to lawyers, discarded by just about everybody, and it’s not over until ex says it’s over. Before ex went too far my plan was to just keep being a dad, sleeping on the couch and saying yes dear until kids were out and I could just walk off and not come back. That’s what I should’ve done. Now plan is to pay child support and get what time I can with kids, then walk off and not come back.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/25 03:23 AM
1

Knowing the 401k is worth what it’s worth after taxes and early withdrawal penalty.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/25 03:02 PM
2

Preempt. If it’s easy to get an RO, it’s gunna be easy for her to get one. Record. Seems like the excessive calling might be something to can use, if she doesn’t give you a better reason. Retaliatory RO might be seen for what it is, and if you’re on the defensive, you’re on the path to losing. Have a plan for getting kicked out. Sometimes I think my attorney passed on offensive litigation because he knew it would make for more billable litigation later, or because he was lazy and had enough bill…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 10:22 PM
3

Your custody agreement means nothing until filed.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 05:37 PM
2

I think, if you are afraid it’ll go high conflict, you want a team, not one guy hunting and pecking in a rented office space. If your ex goes high conflict, you don’t get to decide what fights to take, she does. My mom and pop guy had too much on his plate and no useful help. Looking back, he wasn’t prepared walking into court, discouraged me from taking a more aggressive approach because he didn’t have the time and had a full schedule to bill already, dropped the ball on fillings and motions, a…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 06:02 PM
1

Yep. Grey rock. Either way you’re the bad man that broke the family apart. The court knows it, family and friends know it. She knows she wants it, but she’ll play the victim, especially if she was in control of your marriage and you stood up to her when she went too far manipulating you. My ex literally chose herself over marriage and family, but sniffles and cries about how hard it is to be abandoned. And everybody believes it. #1 question is “what did you do to make her so mad?” We go thru the…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 05:21 PM
4

Call them all. You can ask about if they can handle high conflict or silver bullet divorce, and get them to be explicit in their strategy. But the real point is to create conflicts of interest for your ex so she has limited choices. I’d look at Google reviews from women saying lawyer did great and got me custody of my babies. Call them first. The system is also self congratulatory. Ask another lawyer, mediator, or judge and they’ll tell you how good your counsel is. So you stick with them and se…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 03:55 PM
3

In discovery, you have to provide. It doesn’t have to be readable or useful, especially for something that isn’t going to help your side. You are providing the information, not interpreting it and making her case for her. For example, provide a bank statement. That doesn’t mean print out the bank statement. It could mean all the transaction data, pasted it into a janky useless excel spreadsheet that makes it very difficult and time consuming to associate the date of the transaction with the reci…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 03:50 PM
2

There was a good silver bullet one a couple months ago...I think you or guy_n_cognito wrote it but later deleted it (maybe on this thread https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce\_Men/comments/1ifvre7/whats\_the\_silver\_bullet\_method\_in\_a\_divorce\_and/). But even just pointing out that silver bullet divorces are a fair game legal strategy--for lawyers, judges, and the family court system--is a start, or defining it as a strategy to defame men to gain advantage in divorce, usually with false domesti…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 04:29 AM
2

Educating yourself about silver bullet tactics, dirty divorce tricks 101, and how to handle parental alienation.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 06:15 PM
7

Mediation is not reaching a fair or reasonable settlement, and honesty, transparency, fairness, morality, and decency, at best, can be used against you. Mediation is arriving at a settlement by whatever means is necessary. Basically, you are in the room with the police. They can lie, manipulate, threaten, and/or decieve, jump to conclusions, and barf up whatever interpretation of the code that exists they want. This includes OC, the judge, and any bottom feeders that are collecting billable hour…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 09:39 PM
4

Male stereotypes are stupid and incompetent. Lester Burnhams. The other night my daughter and I were watching a show where a man was trying to con a woman. She picked up a sledgehammer and started smashing things. Domestic violence charge for a man, right? I asked her if that was a good female role model. She answered yes without hesitation.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 09:14 PM
1

See what you can squirrel away financially. Now get your legal ducks in a row. Line up everything with a lawyer and be prepared to file. Then sit her down and tell her, ask for a mediated divorce/collaborative divorce. If she goes bat shit, file and serve. The uncertainty of divorce is awful. You know this marriage is dead. Worst case going thru with it is that you’ll be lonely, but alone, free to do what you want. My plan was to just carry on until the kids were out, then start taking longer an…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/25 12:13 AM
1

This might be a question for the plan administrator. They probably have a procedure for splitting pensions in divorce. For example, I’m hoping hers pays the net present value as a lump sum, but we haven’t gotten that far.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/25 12:07 AM
8

Kids most the time, house they are used to, a gf, companionship. Idk, sounds like ur doing alright. I’m not dismissing what you’re feeling…this whole thing fucking sucks. It isn’t what you wanted, it’s not what you want, it isn’t easy, but kids man. Get an online rx for cialis. Again, not being flippant, but sexual problems, especially psychosexual, are self perpetuating. Using a drug to get you past any mental block can break the cycle, and you should be evaluated for other potential causes—med…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 07:33 PM
7

This is a silver bullet tactic. The playbook. She likely has a hen or a lawyer advising her. Make accusations, false or exaggerated. Make you look bad or dangerous, get you out of the house and keep the kids. A hen told my ex, pretend everything is fine…you want to work on the marriage…then when he least expects it, make him move out. Tell them he scares you. You will keep the house and kids. It worked and hasn’t stopped. Courts will side with her, she wins the sympathy they know she deserves, c…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 05:00 PM
1

Agreements between parties are non enforceable.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 03:37 PM
2

Yeah. We used to joke that you were only 3 bad decisions away from living on the street. Believing that family court would see a decent man and father, treat him at least fairly, and let him get on with his life, bad decision 1.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 07:53 PM
3

True. There is no incentive for honesty, transparency, or cooperation, in mediation or discovery. In pre trial mediation you can argue over big stuff and plan for small stuff to get swept under the rug in the name of just settling.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 07:35 PM
1

I’m only here for my kids at this point. First year they were angry with me, didn’t want to see me and when they did it was forced and miserable. I first made a journal for them. All the things we did together, so they’d remember me for who I am, not who ex and family made me to be, and family court bottom feeders assumed I was. Then I made a photo album. Kids came around, and were pretty good now. Your kids will go thru an adjustment, you will too. It’ll get better, and they’ll get to see you f…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/25 11:56 PM
5

She emptied the bank accounts, took me off the credit cards, and changed the door code. Then came the TRO. Denied, but you are presumed guilty, cause there must be something you did. First wife literally grabbed my dog and said I could leave but he was marital property. Police agreed that I could leave but couldn’t take anything. If you’re still in the house, record. Make sure you’re primary on all accounts. Have your own accounts set up. Have pictures of everything in the house that you care ab…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/25 11:47 PM
6

It’s lonely too. I stopped talking to my friends, my gf that got it died unexpectedly, and my family doesn’t want to hear it anymore—they don’t get it, why I’m still stuck here. Don’t let her bait you. There’s nothing you have to say to her. Without kids you are involved in a business transaction. Maybe it’s the same for you, but riding the wave is what she counted on. You were there when she needed you, then you’d ride the wave when you needed her and she wasn’t available. The fights were you a…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 11:03 PM
13

Sorry man. Disposable dads. Momma knows best. I was thinking today if the outcome for me would’ve been any different if I hadn’t taken the high road. Figured I’d just have gotten punished worse. I spend my time journaling everything about what I did with my kids. All the trips, summers, just everything we did. When I finished, I started a life stories journal so they’d know me. And a photo album. My kids have come around a bit, but I hardly see them and it’s all at ex’s will. This week, well she…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 08:11 AM
6

So you move out. You give her everything in the house you don't take. Then you start paying rent, and the judge sees that you're doing that, so now you're paying rent, deposits, cleaning fees, application fees, and for a storage locker for the stuff that doesn't fit in your apartment, and she doesn't have to pitch you anything. Meanwhile, you enrich your landlord and she builds equity. That's where the negotiation starts, with you on your back foot. Making what you think will be that last sacrif…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 03:03 AM
4

Why are you moving out? First mistake. Taking legal advice from your ex, second mistake. Giving up from the get go and expecting that the rest will be justly sorted out later. All hard family court lessons.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 02:01 AM
2

Eh, high earner can litigate the low earner into a shit settlement. Lawyer, read up on silver bullet divorce and divorce dirty tricks. Prepare yourself. One of the hens schooled my ex on what to do, and she found a lawyer to do it. The other bit of helpful advice she gave my ex was to “pretend everything is fine, stroke his ego, let him think you want to work on the marriage, then when he least expects it…” She would never have done that either.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 01:57 AM
2

Don’t give her anything you aren’t ordered to. Agreements between parties are unenforceable—my ex used them to gain concessions that she never had any intention of honoring. In actual mediation, everything is confidential. Lies, threats, bullying. Anything a cop can do to you during an interrogation and before you’ve been read your rights, you can easily do in divorce. All part of the breaking process. Also, my experience with threats and extortion. Nobody cares. Judge won’t, and if she changes …
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 06:52 PM
2

Document. In the parenting app, you are free to write whatever. I asked you to do this per the court order. You did x resulting in y, as you did previously. This is not good for the kids and not what was ordered. Best case in the US is $1000s in legal fees, a hearing months after the fact, a slap on the wrist or the judge somehow excusing the behavior, or ordering an expensive time consuming shit show, and no disincentive for her continuing to be a cunt. Maybe somewhere down the line you’ll see …
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 05:29 PM
1

Sharing never worked. Ex would send kids out when I went to pick up dog so they were pissed at me for taking them. Then one time when I was out of town she went to the dog sitter, said I wanted her to pick up dog, then sent me an email outlining terms for if I ever wanted to see them again. Judge said I was being belligerent and throwing accusations when I asked for the dog back in meditation. So that dog is dead to me. I rationalize that at least the kids see the dog everyday now. I’ve seen him…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 06:32 PM
2

Thx
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 01:33 AM
1

I started just using the first section to make a blanket statement that her filing was based on false, irrelevant, or misleading statements meant to defame me, and that I would not respond. Then for each statement cut and pasted Deny. False, misleading, exaggerated, irrelevant, and/ or defamatory statement. At most I would add a one point defense or reference to evidence. This is after seeing the judge multiple times and it being clear that she didn’t know why we were having a hearing, that she …
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 09:11 PM
1

I don’t care what she thinks of me either, and BIFF was needed because they would actually take a sentence from an email and cut it in half as evidence of some transgression. Think, I say “you’re afraid I’ll do x, but I won’t.” Their filing would be “he has admitted ‘I’ll do X.’” With all the allegations, I couldn’t defend to each one. A page of shit from her would need 10 from me to defend, judge ain’t got time or interest to sort out the truth. Later, I’d just say “No.” her filings changed to …
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 05:21 PM
1

I waited too long to switch lawyers. Mine was passive, reactive, dropped the ball a couple times (which I mistook as systemic bias), advised me to be conciliatory and not aggressive. He was out matched by OC and I saw how the judge treated other men, so I had doubts that changing would matter. It took 1) him passing on an offer for her to waive child support if I didn’t ask for support (no advice, just hey we got this offer, what do you think) 2) multiple times him sending her bat shit motions w…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 05:14 PM
2

Just be aware that BIFF and grey rock can be twisted to “he’s rude and uncooperative”. It’s no win.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 04:58 PM
1

Yes, you are on the defensive. Allegations can be thrown with no consequence. If you don’t defend or respond, you’re presumed to be admitting to them. So you spend all your time and money defending yourself. It’s a strategy.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 04:56 PM
1

I waited, hoping, trying. She waited too , but not out of commitment or belief that we would reconcile. She waited until she’d run me dry, until she saw there was nothing left to take, shook the last Dorito out of the bag, and her demands became so impossible she didn’t even expect them. Until she couldn’t come up with anything else she could pretend would satisfy her. Until the kids could take care of themselves. She waited until the time was right for her, until divorce was the only way she co…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 03:53 PM
8

I didn’t lose everything. It was taken from me. Money. Child support goes on autopay, from a separate account. It’s money I’ll never have. What I do have I will coast on, and she fought hard for what she took, so it’s a gone as any other stupid bet. I’ll adapt to what I can spend and, I’m too old to dash into the office and be a go getter, so if I can’t live on what’s left, I can stop living. The stuff, I lived without it for 2 years when I was kicked out of the house. It’s a burden now. I’ll ge…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 03:44 PM
4

Attempting to make them accountable triggers another response. Moving to email for me ended up as evidence, over and over again, that I was emotionally abusive and over controlling. True, long email is fodder for manipulating what you said, but BIFF = IDK, “he’s an asshole! See, his emails to me are 2 sentences!” Fuck figuring them out. Fuck family court.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 08:06 AM
2

After police report and RO the next time she slaps you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 07:22 AM
7

Yep. I went all in on the wrong horse too.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 04:12 PM
5

You don’t know until it’s too late. Most hearings are one shot with no chance for appeal. Lawyer blows one or two, you don’t know if it’s systemic bias or lawyers incompetence. The whole system is also self congratulatory…to get you to settle or to keep colleagues in business. We have lunch with the judge, your counsel is a very skilled litigator, the judges ruling was not based on precedent, that GAL knows she has power so we can’t piss her off, nobody will contest her recommendation because sh…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 05:30 PM
5

I requested Venmo transactions to show rental income she didn’t report and payments to her friend that was supplying her with LSD. Like, in financial disclosures (we had multiple) she just didn’t report the account. In discovery She didn’t sent statements. She cut and pasted the statement into an excel spreadsheet, expanded the columns so the rows of one transaction covered several pages and couldn’t be easily lined up. Then created an image. My lawyer was a douche. I asked for a motion to compe…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/25 07:22 PM
1

Yeah. Need details. Was it denied ex parte, is there any truth, any “proof”? If the accusations are false, it really depends. Could just be a lot of expensive drama, you may end up with a gal, or maybe supervised visits. Looking back, all the false accusations, I tried to counter with proof and rebuttals. She didn’t have anything to support any of her accusations. But she threw a lot of crazy shit at the wall, to make me look bad, to run up my legal fees, with me responding to all of it. I don’t…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 08:21 PM
1

Silver bullet divorce. You won’t get that admission. And if you do it won’t matter. If she wants to make the accusation she can, and you get to defend yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 05:29 AM
6

Don’t be afraid to walk away. Don’t allow the mediator or judge or OC or your lawyer to move you from your reasonable position. Don’t allow them to divide and conquer. Do not say “yeah, I agree, or okay”. That is binding, even tho the lies, exaggerations, falsehoods, and exploitation in meditation is confidential. Meditation is about finding the weaker party and breaking them by any means. I wish I’d just said fuck all of you and closed my laptop.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 05:11 AM
1

This. It’s a calculated amount, not negotiable unless you agree to more. She makes >$120k more than I do. 60-40 because GAL threatened to recommend “state minimum or less” and my now fired settlement artist sat there with his thumb in his ass planning his next vacation.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 04:27 AM
2

Same. Except for the hookers. Sorry man. Just be the best father you can be.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 04:14 AM
4

I dated a coworker. Aside from how obviously a bad idea that was, she turned out to be pretty messed up. And my cube shared a wall with her. So I saw her everyday. I just put myself in a zone. Probably close to gray rock. It was for my sanity—I still wanted her—and job security. Didn’t seek her out, didn’t avoid her. If it was work, that was the extent of our discussion. If she tried to be sociable/friendly beyond that, I recognized it as her attention seeking game. I was responsive to the point…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 03:59 PM
1

If it’s money and the funds were commingled they are gone or at best up to the whim of the judge. You had a bank account that was yours. You put marital money into it. Bad. Worse if you added marital money and also made withdrawals during the marriage. Unless you have every statement showing the marital transactions and the premarital value, and you’ve disclosed all of those in discovery, and you have declared a CFA/accountant as a witness, you need to do the calculation to see if the value that…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 09:10 PM
2

Try a collaborative divorce. A mediator, financial planner, and lawyer to write things up. If you know your assets and she doesn't lie about anything, this should be divide by 2 and sign the paperwork. Also know that while collaborative divorce sounds good, their goal is to reach a settlement. They should tell you what they think each side is entitled to, they expect everything is in good faith and disclosed, they should slap down unreasonable expectations, they should be advocating for win-win.…
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/25 06:36 PM
3

Yeah, it was all manipulation. Her way of getting concessions, knowing that I would honor my word. And also, knowing that any agreement that we made between ourselves was unenforceable. Concessions on your part, even when you’re doing the right thing, or what is the best interest of your kids, can be twisted and turned against you later in court. Yeah, write down all the shit that you agreed to, and the judge isn’t even gonna look at it. Later I saw, in discovery, the texts that she was getting …
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/25 05:53 PM
2

One of the hens told my ex "let him think everything is fine, that you want to work on the marriage. Stroke his ego, then when he least expects it, make him move out. Say he scares you..." and other helpful advice. Just to add: Make yourself primary account holder--cancel her access to all accounts the minute you file. Know your finances and hers. Statements, going back to the begining of time, if you have any premarital claims. If you had a 401k before the marriage, have the dates you opened it…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 01:21 AM
6

Yeah, this is how ex girlfriends/wife got in touch with me cause I blocked them any other way. Ex wife wanted to tell me her stupid cat died. Cause god I loved that cat and missed it so much and she must've figured this was her way back in with me.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 10:51 PM
1

If it’s too late it’s too late. If the therapist picks a side, judges one of you, applies their value system on yours, tries to bring one of you around to their way of thinking, it’ll get bad fast. STBX will feel validated or betrayed. If the therapist thinks she can fix your problems instead of finding your common ground she’s not that good and too dumb to realize it. Most of the therapists I saw made these mistakes, the one that tried to bring us together was one of the Gottman therapists, but…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 06:04 PM
7

Google Amy Baker Beyond the High Road. It’s an old paper but has practical strategies for countering alienation.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 04:39 AM
15

Nobody believes the shit family court dumps on you, until you’ve been dragged thru it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 12:28 AM
1

Make sure you add interest. I gifted my ex a double advantage of basing payments for house on current value and not correcting for interest between settlement date and payment. Her share appreciates, mine doesn’t. Then again, it was that or paying thousands more in legal fees so the judge fuck me over.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 08:36 PM
0

Yeah, 401k would carry taxes and penalties. That’s a whole other ball of wax OP needs to consider so those aren’t on him else he could end up getting the short sharp end of the stick.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 08:32 PM
2

Is this from experience? It’s disbursement of funds from equity in the house (which would be tax protected) per the divorce decree. I’m trying to understand how this would be any different than dividing funds in a joint cash account.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 08:08 PM
3

How is it not tax free?
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 06:05 AM
5

Everything is evolving. Everything is falling apart.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/25 11:17 PM
4

Anything not called out separately in the agreement. There’s child support, then extra is medical, and agreed upon extra curricular. Ex keeps sending me bills for school lunches, so she can take me to court, make me look like a dick for not paying it, and maybe can get the judge to find something else to dump on me for. But child support is supposed to cover anything not separately specified in the decree.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 08:36 PM
2

This is true. There’s no acknowledgement of the loss and grieving in divorce, or worse when it’s contentious. If anything, there’ve been people I’ve told who’ve then ghosted me, or tried to figure out how I was to blame.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 08:35 AM
2

The last sentence: naw, the judge will sign off on anything to clear his/her docket. Fair has nothing to do with it. Choose your battles and factor in the mental and economic ROI.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 11:40 PM
1

Cried in front of my kid once. Ended up being “very disturbing incident” that OC justified skipping parent time. (The way they played this made me think they were rolling out the false sexual assault). She made sure everybody in family court knew, and the GAL exaggerated it into a threat in mediation that led me to surrender 50-50. Best interest of the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 04:30 PM
4

All the time. I never wanted this for my kids. Keep it private. In family court a man crying when he’s going thru hell is a sign of serious mental illness. But what you’re feeling is valid, shows you know what’s important and what’s at risk.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 07:33 AM
32

Truth. Every man should know this at the altar. To add: judge will act like this is the first time s/he has ever seen this happen. Judges don’t fall for it, they endorse it. Mine worked for 17 years as a domestic violence “victims” advocate before ascending to the bench, so every father I saw in front of her, well she already knew all she needed to know. (As an aside, my ex’s silver bullet was so weak even this judge couldn’t grant it, but that’s where the GAL came in handy so ex could alienate …
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 04:49 PM
6

If you don’t fight, that won’t stop family court from taking.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 02:40 AM
2

Judge: "I've never seen anything like this? What's going on?!"
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 04:44 PM
3

GALs are random and are just there to feed at the trough. Don’t think for a minute “best interest of the kids” takes precedent over “well in my opinion”.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 04:58 AM
7

Made it thru like you make it thru a bear attack. Roll up in a ball, quit fighting, and eventually they either get bored or there’s nothing left to chew on.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 04:14 AM
2

> I can’t help but wonder if I’m setting a bad example for them. They see how much I’m doing and how little I’m appreciated. I don’t want them to think this is what a healthy marriage looks like. This factored. I saw it with her parents. My dad saw it with his first ex (and his daughter and hers perpetuated the model). Standing up to my ex was her last straw and she went high conflicht scortched earth. I left too late and too early. Too late to save myself, too early to stay in the kids' lives. …
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 07:07 PM
1

Most therapists are women. Most are not very good at separating what they think you ought from what you/your family are. Of family court therapists, not necessarily marriage counselors, all women, all useless. Of 4 female marriage counselors. 2 made things much worse immediately, 1 could have helped sooner, 1 discerning counselor who was objective, didn’t assign blame, ex hated her.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 03:07 PM
5

Ending the surprise friday afternoon motions, the insanity of the hearings, not having a routine for when I'll see the kids, not knowing what this will cost me...I'm hoping signing will pull the plug on some of that uncertainty. The rest, who knows. Finding a new normal without being a father and SAHD, not seeing my kids, being motivated to be something other than a husband and father. The unknown was bad. The other side has got to be better. Right?
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 10:27 PM
4

Try furnished finder. They cater to traveling nurses and longer rental periods. Or Airbnb and just explain your situation, do a month thru airbnb then ask for a month to month lease. That said, if it weren’t for the dog I’d do an apartment just for the potential for social interaction.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 05:14 PM
1

Nope, that’s pretty literally what happened. Lawyer couldn’t get a word in, either if them. Her lawyer was a master of finding something and calling it out. Nothing incriminating, just “what about…we don’t even know…!” You know your financial report? My monthly expenses and hers were within a few thousand, but those categories. My first category was high. I explained that I was kicked out of the house and had to buy everything I needed because I just had some clothes, laid out an itemized list w…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 04:50 PM
3

Yep. I get it. Ex got everything she wanted…and stuck me where she knows I don’t want to be, because I’m not the selfish asshole she’ll tell anybody who’ll listen. Father first. Can you vacation with the kids to get away?
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 05:53 AM
6

Evidence? In family court? First judge asked for evidence. I brought binders. She asked, I got binder out and said let’s go. She said, let’s just take mommas numbers (for alimony and child support). Second judge excluded evidence for my case because it wasn’t submitted in initial discovery, but accepted mommas. Every other time I had evidence in front of me, judge asked for more at the hearing. Judges do not want to deal with evidence in mommas court.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 11:18 AM
1

Make sure u are primary account holder in all accounts…if not, she can use them and remove you. One party consent for recording. Learn what a silver bullet is. You can try discernment counseling to see if you can but reach the decision to divorce. Have a lawyer lined up and ready to file JIC. Let her sleep on the couch or leave. You start with concessions, then that’s where you start and where you go. Family court will take plenty, so don’t start by giving thinking it’ll make a difference.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 04:20 AM
4

Support her. But talk her thru the consequences of what she’s doing. If you turn your back on her, who’s left? Lawyers and hens. I think my kids see what my ex did. They’ll come to understand what it cost them, me, and us. And why my ex did what she did…the nuances of fear, love, doing “what was best”, selfishness, greed, hurt. I’ll talk to them one day about all the shit they don’t know about. How warped the system is and how it preys on fear. I hope my kids never go thru this but I’d do whatev…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 07:41 PM
9

Soldier.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 01:40 AM
2

Yup. 4 years of marriage counseling and nothing better? Get another counselor or just give me the money you're paying her. Wear condoms when you see the wife. Use your away from her time to get yourself better and plan for divorce. When it's time, take her to a discernment counselor to discuss whether you both are ready to give up or not, then work toward a mediated divorce. And seriously, wear condoms all the time. Or, do you understand your reasons for your discontent and resentment? It might …
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 08:30 PM
2

Props for making the memory book. She'll cherish one day.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 11:34 PM
9

My ex took my dog. Lied to the dogsitters, picked him up from them while I was out of state with my kids, sent me a note laying out terms if I was ever going to see him again. It's been over a year. Yesterday I went to pick up my things from my house, and saw him maybe for the last time. I had to let him go a long time ago. I barely recognized him, played with him the way we used to. Now I have to let him go. Yeah, I cried for my fucking dog too. My only consolation is that he is with my kids wh…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 08:02 PM
2

It is. Breaking you is part of the strategy. I can’t tell you what to do, except focus on the kids. Everybody in family court will dismiss you, make you the crazy POS. Just be the good father you are and know the kids will (eventually) see that.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 08:26 PM
3

Filing first can be somewhat protective, and with your case, may help. You don’t have to have her served It freezes things for YOU. Not her. Organize finances and accounts, prepare for divorce, file but don’t serve. She decides to file or find out and launches with a false DV charge or just takes off with kids it will look retaliatory and you won’t be blindsided. Once you’ve filed, protect yourself against abuse, false or real. Record all interactions. If she lays a hand on you or threatens you,…
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 03:15 PM
9

Yup. Nobody cares. You are the bad man. Everybody already knows that. Defending against it is a fruitless pursuit. “I will not respond to falsehoods, irrelevant accusations, and/or attempts to defame me.” More than anything, don’t let that shit get in your head.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 07:39 AM
3

Nope. You can get a court date, but one party can drag the process out as much as they want and you have to ride that bull.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/25 07:05 PM
6

My experience: discovery was a big expensive toxic shit show that amounted to nothing. Judge wouldn’t look, her lawyer gobbled about some non issues. Judge was going to smack me down either way. Object to everything, minimalist answers or massive data dump submitted as an image. Only exception: make sure absolutely sure, that anything that can help you gets in. Even an issue that was not at dispute initially but becomes an issue later, you were supposed to see the future and submit evidence back…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/25 07:03 PM
5

Give up the idea of “entitled”. Get a lawyer unless you can convince her that mediation is the sensible option. She may want litigation because wearing you down financially works in her interest: she gets a bigger slice of a smaller pie, and with better income that’s a win in her mind. Grab any joint assets you can to pay for a lawyer. Don’t leave the house if it makes financial sense for you to stay. In theory you can get half of all marital assets, including pension and 401k, so will she. She …
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 05:58 PM
12

You can only fight so much. The court and lawyers can run one side out of money. You don’t cut ties, your children are taken. Poison steals your babies, judges take your rights.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 05:45 PM
2

If it’s any consolation, it took a year but my teen has started to come around. Still, I don’t get that time back. GL man.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 05:43 PM
2

It’s a published paper. Gives you strategies on dealing with alienation.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 05:41 PM
2

Google Amy Baker Beyond the High Road.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 08:44 AM
4

Don’t take him back. I’ve made the exact same mistake with taking pictures and plenty others, so take this as learning from experience, not criticizing. He’s a teen. Listen to what he says. Quit talking. I see my job now as supporting their decisions rather than making them for them, whether it’s taking pictures or w/e stupid stuff they want to do. Hands off, listen, respect and you’ll get to where you’re on more equal footing eventually. You can still set boundaries, of course, but supporting t…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 09:06 AM
3

Listen to this guy. 6 years SAHD. Ex makes 2.5x what i do. After GALs, therapists, 2 ROs—one for emotional abuse and the other a nice try at false DV, and tens of thousands—this is the best I could get, and I consider myself fucking lucky that I see my kids at all, didn’t end up in bracelets, and don’t have to sell a kidney to cover child support.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/25 04:52 PM
3

Listen to this guy. Find other lawyers. These 2 put you in a disadvantage position. It’s great for them because you’ll be hurting and they’ll go to hearings to argue your case because they’re going to fight for you until their dying breath, and the next vacation they take that you’ll pay for. But you won’t get anything…because listen to this guy. Leave her with the kid, find your own place, how will you be when she gets child support, keeps kids from you, and wins alimony? Because the court won’…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/25 04:46 PM
8

Punitive child support. Hardly see kids after I raised them, she makes 2.5x what I do, and parenting to her is giving them phones they don’t put down now. Cost us 4x in legal fees for what she’ll get from me. Set it on autopay. Just part of the divorce tax.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 08:26 PM
2

When Nietzsche Wept is good fiction about if he and Freud would have met. The footbridge is my favorite quote.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/25 04:13 PM
3

Le silver bullet. Plenty of us can relate, to the commitment, betrayal, delusions, and being under the heel of his society sees and dismisses men and fathers because, you know, poor mom. It feels impossible but try to be the man and father you want your kids to know. It may take years but when they come around you’ll want them to see that, and they’ll figure out what she did. It’s a huge long term investment with an uncertain timeline, but it kept me alive. Google Amy Baker beyond the high road.…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/25 03:49 PM
8

She wants you as a backup plan when she needs the toilet unplugged, can’t pay the bills, needs child care to go on dates, or gets dumped. She thinks there’s a little more she can squeeze out of you. Idk. My ex offered something similar, financially not physically, which was fine cause she is a hoofed beast. Coulda done what I wanted and not lost my kids for a year, but I’d have ended up divorced anyway. One of her friends told her “tell him you want to work on the marriage, stroke his ego, then …
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/25 03:37 PM
2

It’s the narrative. My ex didn’t want to be responsible for the divorce, so I had to take the blame. In the process she rewrote our family history, made me mentally ill and abusive—silver bullet (fortunately that was even too much of a stretch for actual legal consequences for me, but not for seeing my kids). Delusional, but it’s the narrative, so everybody believes it. #1 question: what did you do to make her so mad? Eventually I did too. Shit gets in your head. With no kids you’ll have an easi…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/25 03:25 PM
9

It is. Doing it now at 54. My wife is dead to me and I’m relieved. My relationship with my teen kids is improving but I miss not seeing them daily. I think we’ll be ok. Have a financial plan. Any way you can just start taking “work” trips? Long father-kid trips during summer? And just make them longer and longer?
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/25 09:12 AM
5

Kids or house? Do not leave. Start working on yourself so you’re ready…therapist, rebuild the you that was before her, lawyer, take stock of everything in the house, know all your finances and make sure your primary account holder, not an authorized user. When you’re set, try to reach the agreement to divorce mutually. Be ready to have her served if she flips out. You mention some things that sound like narcissistic traits. It could be a hard divorce. I went thru the same. She wanted the divorce…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/25 07:26 AM
3

Hi, I’m the copy paste person that will tell you to understand a silver bullet divorce. The cameras are to protect you from her enabling family court to carry thru on her threats. Good call on a lawyer…the first was waiting for something to happen so he had a shit show case that would be tons of billable hours defending you. You don’t want to be on the defense. Filing first, even if you don’t serve her right away is a good start. Ask around for lawyers who can tell you what their strategy is for…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/25 02:01 AM
3

Sorry, but this. The judge doesn’t care. Your lawyer will defend you to his dying breath—but more likely you lady dollar— and it won’t matter. By the end I just started replying to her crazy motions line by line with “Will not respond to irrelevant, slanderous, and/or false statements.” I’m sure the judge gave that less consideration than he did code, precedent, what my lawyer said when he could get a word in over harpy OC , or the little piece of celery caught between his teeth. Thing is, in di…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 08:18 AM
9

Write a journal of all your memories with your kids. Then a journal of your life. Then make a photo book of all the cool shit you did with them. It can be an ongoing project. I went from SAHD to not seeing my kids for months. This kept me here. My daughter and I have reconnected, and I've told her about the journals. She found the photo album one night, flipped thru it laughing and reliving childhood traumas with me. I'm trying to fix myself so I can be the father I want them to remember, not wh…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/25 03:21 AM
2

Don't move out. Let her move the fuck out or sleep on the couch. Your days of giving in to try and make her happy are over. Check to see if you have a penis. If you do, don't count on alimony (temporary or as part of the final settlement) no matter what the income disparity. Kids? Plan on some child support too. Given the disparity in income, it's possible she will try to run you out of money to get a better settlement. Don't count on the judge to consider this. You may be stuck with your legal …
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 09:54 PM
1

For alienation, read Amy Baker, Beyond the High Road.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 06:10 PM
2

This. Silver bullet. This is the express lane to getting you kicked out and paying her, and family court does not care about evidence. Lawyer now, file, document, and if you can get an RO (she touches you, yells at you, threatens you) do it. If you get half the house or not is the least of your worries. Before you leave the house/get kicked out, grab all the documentation you can. Bills with your name, mortgage applications/payments, tax returns.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 10:07 PM
3

Until she endlessly files motions you have to defend. The financial drain is a strategy that one party can inflict on the other.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 12:43 AM
6

Family court and an ex will make you believe you’re are the crazy fucked up one.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/24 11:56 PM
3

Record her behavior, take pictures of everything in the house. File. Try to get an RO. Settlement artists are real. They’ll tell you they’ll fight to the bitter end but roll like babies in front of judges and GALs.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/24 02:29 AM
2

This. My ex had a friend tell her…let him think things are fine, stroke his ego, then when he least expects it…. I’d get a lawyer and prepare for the worst. When u are ready, then discernment counseling to mutually come to the decision to divorce thru mediation. If she doesn’t want to go that route u are ready.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 09:29 PM
13

Who? I’m just focused on kids.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 07:55 PM
1

2 years of crazy ex and family court, I finally broke down, quit my shit job. Needed to simplify my life. I’ll come back to see my kids one week a month but the rest of the time I plan to be on the road in Mexico or wherever I want to bike or ride. Or I’ll take the lowest responsibility lowest pay job at some ski mountain. IDC. If I didn’t have kiddos I’d take off. AT trail or pan American highway.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 05:41 AM
7

Fuck the judge. He’s tipping the scales to create drama. Dashcam and your own friendly witness at every interaction. Justin check your state laws…one party consent and filming in public spaces.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 04:00 PM
3

If you had any premarital assets, gather all your records. Statements, tax forms, every scrap to show premarital ownership. Take control of finances. Put everything in your name with her as an authorized user. Set up cards and accounts that are only yours. If you have a post divorce life plan, start buying it. Quit assuming she’ll be ethical and act in the best interest of the kids: to her that may mean doing anything to keep them from the bad bad man she’ll make you to be and the court knows yo…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 03:53 PM
6

My ex collected all our rent in her personal account. When I tried to get statements she sent a pile of shit. Subpoena to bank had more objections than her response to discovery. By mediation, she just spent everything in the account, so there was nothing to divide. Worked for her.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 02:27 AM
5

Made a journal of all my memories of raising her, then a photo book of all the cool shit we did together while her mom was at work.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 02:21 AM
3

Move on and build your own life. Most common advice I’ve heard, but I still don’t know what it means. There’s a lot of acceptance that has to happen: first, accept that family court is not on your side. You are the bad man. The judge isn’t going to see anything else. Proof and evidence aren’t concepts that exist as far as I can tell. Sorry. This whole process has been like getting washed out with the tide.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 05:55 AM
1

Prepare for the worst hope for the best. Get your plan in place. When you’re ready, try to get her into discernment counseling so you can mutually decide to divorce, preferably thru a mediator. If she flips out, you have your plan b.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 03:21 PM
5

When/if you see the kid you may change your mind. It did mine. As for the rest of it…my ex made promises too, changed her mind, made her own selfish decisions. It’s a personality type. Her way of constantly reminding me that her interest in me was contingent on doing what she wanted me to, and she could take it or leave it. That should be a warning to you. I guess what’s kinda funny is that you are forced to be the one who has to choose. It happens all the time, but your family had a plan. It wa…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 03:12 PM
2

lol. My narcissistic ex gaslit me to the point that I was always asking “wait didn’t we agree kid was going to be in bed at 8:30/6-yr old doesn’t sleep in our bed/…”. So I started writing things down. “Weagree that…”. Every court filing she included that list as “proof” I was over controlling scary man. Now did the judge ever look at it? IDK, maybe. Probably not—she worked 17 years as a DV legal counsel, so she already knew who the bad guy was. But no it didn’t help and at best it was irrelevant…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 06:59 PM
9

Future promising
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 06:46 PM
4

Dating is weird to begin with. For me now it’s breaking from the lifelong commitment I made, being uncomfortable with my routines and hers, trusting that a new relationship isn’t going to take the same death spiral. Thinking there’s hope. Hasn’t gone well. I did meet up with one random woman I met at a scuba class. No expectations, easy, kinda walked in with a give a shit attitude, and ended up having a real interesting convo. The date material I’ve sought…it’s been a shit show. I go back and fo…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 06:17 PM
1

Oh I thought she was going to say I was abusing my daughter. IDK why she didn’t go there. After this shit I might just go gay… I think the divorce part is “over”. Suffer a few more years of parallel parenting and I can wipe her from my consciousness.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 03:35 AM
3

It’s the hens and the divorce industry, the silver bullet playbook. Our helpful friend walked her thru it, and her lawyer followed it. There was a time where I thought the sexual abuse allegations were coming. Remember Rob Roy? No quarter will be granted…nor given. It’s the system. Use it first or you’re on your back foot in family court until the end. Being a rational man you can always back off later, but once she gets to winning there’s no reason for her to quit.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 09:44 PM
6

“What did you do to make her so mad” is the number one question I get. I’ve sat and listened to others ask her if I scared her, watching her with trembling lips anda whimper respond “yes”. I admitted to throwing a chair and a sponge 12 years ago, not at her or in a way that would have harmed her and got the “OMG that’s DV!!” response. Nobody asked me, or they’d have known about the throat punches that left me bent over unable to breathe and how I reacted exactly how domestic violence victims do,…
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 06:52 PM
6

Physically abusive with a drug and alcohol problem. If it was you you’d be in a world of pain. Document and use to your advantage, because it is all your fault. Family court knows this and assumes you are the bad, dangerous, bad man, and will matrix reality to fit what they already know. It’s a mindfuck that will make my therapist rich.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 05:24 PM
1

It's up to you and her. If one party decides to fight every little thing, then your only choice is to relent or throw in. Ultimately you end up in about the same place. If she's dumb enough to fight for a bigger slice of a smaller pie, then that's what you got.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 08:05 AM
3

Nothing. If you’re afraid of it, best to preempt. It won’t get worked out later.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 06:58 AM
2

LOL, unless it’s a woman accusing a man of being addicted to gambling or porn. What a fucked system. You got your kids. Take the win.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 10:24 PM
2

Good. That’s a trap I fell into, ceding my leverage in a partial agreement thanks to my lawyer being a settler. Um, any proof she’s an alcoholic? Use it. Sooner rather than later…like, call the police if she shows up to drop off the kids with alcohol on her breath. If you wait, that chance goes away and you’re just as negligent for not doing something as soon as you were aware of the problem.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 09:34 PM
5

Was in the same position as you. First thing my ex did was drain the accounts and remove me from credit cards (while I was out of state taking care of our kids), both of which are supposedly prohibited by domestic relations orders. Nope, didn’t matter. She then launched into a 2-year burn it all down divorce. I should have gotten temporary alimony for living expenses and legal fees, and 50-50 custody…the judge instead decided to divide our savings and let me drain it to defend against her endles…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 09:29 PM
5

You give family court too much credit.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 06:25 PM
4

They’ll pile in on you. Speaking to them ever again is probably a risk you don’t want to take. This sounds like a silver bullet divorce. Find a way to get back on the offensive.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 05:53 PM
2

According to her, from the day we met.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 04:48 AM
2

Mexico. Some end of the road fishing village or just dial in the cheapest destinations from my nearest airport. Sit in the sun and drink cheap beers. Be alone if I want. Busses are good, people friendly. Ayer empaqué y fui para siempre. Even duolingo tells me I should. Airfare to Ecuador isn’t bad, and they have ayahuasca retreats.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 12:00 AM
3

If there’s no reason you shouldn’t have 50-50, stand your ground. Rules for changing geographic location is written in code, so there are rules and a process. Mediation can be a process of breaking one party only in the interest of settling the divorce, not in any other interest. My opinion: you may not have a friend in the room. Mediators, GALs, and both lawyers could have an agenda to settle rather than act in your or your kid’s best interest, and because everything in mediation is confidentia…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 07:26 PM
2

Especially the high conflict women's rights lawyer. You create a conflict of interest so she can't use them. Sounds like a dick maneuver, but keeping her from hiring a nasty lawyer is nothing compared to what that lawyer will do to you.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 04:01 AM
1

This. If you’re an involved dad you’re emotionally dependent on them. If you’re at work all the time earning for the family you’re an absent dad.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 01:47 AM
5

Lawyer? Get your financial reports to see how much they can bill you. You? - all financial info, especially for premarital assets - accounts. Know them, make sure you are primary account holder. - take pictures of everything in the house in case you get removed by court order - call every lawyer in town, especially the high conflict women’s rights lawyers, for a free consult - kids? Be the best dad you can be. Mother Theresa level. Clean up any ‘bad’ habits you have - catalog any of her transgre…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 11:01 PM
8

Do a happy dance. You got the kids. Move to make that permanent. Status quo. Make sure they’re enrolled in school, have community contacts, a full life with you, see the grandparents, know all about them. Keep yourself clean and work on your sob story about how hard it is to have been abandoned.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 06:06 PM
2

My experience: No way the judge really read all the crap we submitted, including declarations, motions, counter motions, and responses to them. It seemed to me, as the motions and hearings piled up, that all this was to rack up billable hours. Ex’s strategy was to run me out of money. By the end we had a roll away suitcase of everything that was filed. The counter to that is if the judge does read anything and you didn’t respond, then you’re basically admitting to w/e accusations have been throw…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 02:10 AM
1

Kids coming around but for a year I thought she was lost. She found the photo album, looked thru it all laughing and smiling, and revisiting some normal childhood ‘traumas.’ It was good, but there was a time when I thought I’d never see her again. TY. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 08:02 PM
3

I spent my ample alone time writing journals for her. Our story, my story. Then a photo album. To remind her we were good, and in case she never got to know me. I told my bro and best friend where they are, and keep them in a fire proof bag.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 06:50 PM
8

Takes a supreme level of selfishness to have a kid with a man who you no longer loved/stopped loving/always had doubts about/got bored with/told you he wouldn’t have kids with anybody else. That’s where the rewrite comes into play. Gotta justify their decision somehow.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 06:31 PM
6

Sorry man. Silver bullet. Throw out accusations knowing the court will rule “in the best interest” of the kids. Sort it out slowly and thousands of dollars later. My ex stopped short of sexual abuse and went emotional abuse instead, but no doubt she toyed with the idea. This all falls in the category of doing everything to make you look as awful as possible. I found this to be a slippery slope where the judge just assumed I was guilty of something. No advice, just support. Be very careful about …
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 07:34 PM
1

If you have assets from before the marriage, start tracking down proof of that. Submit it in discovery. Otherwise a few years back. My experience was that it’s just running up legal fees and drama. Except for proving what was yours when you entered the marriage, or that you had premarital assets that weren’t commingled.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 11:25 PM
9

Ex not only took the kids, but went to great lengths to destroy me as a father. It’s gotten better, they see me again, when they see me. I still sit in the car and cry after dropping them off. I still feel like my life between ‘visits’ is wasted and lost.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 11:19 PM
5

Best case scenario this is her testing the waters. You’re her plan B if her newfound freedom isn’t what she expected. Worst case, tactic mentioned in other posts.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 06:40 PM
2

Collect proof of all your premarital assets. Statements from the month before marriage, tax statements, mortgage application.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 07:25 PM
9

Maybe from your Ivory tower college boy. I used "ain't" a clear indication that I'm a product of the deep South's public school system. That I can read and write is a miracle.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 03:16 AM
2

This is a strategy. Every ridiculous motion and accusation, respond to it yourself with “Deny. Will not respond to meritless/irrelevant/exaggerated accusations.” Cut and paste. A contentious divorce is for stupid people (me and ex included) who are willing to spend to say they “won”, and if you get dragged into it, your only choice is to give up or pay to play. Good luck on the trust for legal fees. High earner making a divorce difficult is a strategy to bleed the other out so they have to accep…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 12:01 AM
14

Mine: I ain’t for everybody, maybe not anybody. Swipe left or right, I could give a shit.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 09:28 PM
1

I had a friend who renegotiated their marriage every year on their anniversary. Not a bad idea because everybody changes over time, and it’s when you don’t change together when problems come up. Him expecting you not to change or grow together is unreasonable (except the kids thing…if you knew and married him anyway, that’s on you). Maybe this is your way of justifying leaving him. Or you’ve been letting this fester to the point that it’s an ultimatum. I was there. Or you’re looking for somethin…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 09:13 PM
3

Been thru it. Saw unhappy boss momma try work, try fitness, then kid, realized I was just one of the things she tried and I wasn’t enough. Never saw her, so i did my thing. That made her unhappy, and she was just chasing the next thing the whole time anyway. So I became SAHD. Still unhappy, but the free child care allowed her to focus on work. Made it, then realized she didn’t need me. My moment was when she said “everything is negotiable.” C U next Tuesday. If you’re willing to try, start worki…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 06:26 PM
10

…no alimony! Lemme buy you a beer.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 02:44 AM
3

You can try collaborative divorce. It has its pitfalls…eg, hide assets, no problem, it’s con-fid-ential! If it works, you might do 10k, kids might go to private school, you might still get pressured into a lopsided settlement. Or she may have a hissy fit and withdraw when she doesn’t get what she’s owed. Or you can go straight to lawyers and the biggest difference is that you will send lawyers kids to private school instead.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 12:08 AM
1

Maybe if you think there’s going to be a false DV silver bullet, if you’ve filed (even if not served) then…IDK, retaliation, I’m going thru the legal process, she’s playing games. You can do discernment counseling so you make the decision to divorce together. Then mediated divorce. I doubt it’s you tho. Why not just pack a bag, take some cash, and roll out? I’m partly joking.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 12:00 AM
5

> In return, she doesn’t want alimony or child support (our youngest is 17). If it goes to court at any time, you'll owe child support. Common dirty trick to decline child support in return for something then go back and get it. Not saying that's what she's doing. If you move out, which you probably shouldn't, make sure you have a parenting plan in place, get all your stuff, and record everything in the house.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/24 06:18 AM
1

Stay in the house Learn about silver bullet tactics Collect all current and past financial statements Make sure you’re primary account holder Video all contents of house Call the pricey lawyers for a consult to create COI Start working on yourself Once you have a lawyer and all lined up, marriage counseling to discuss dissolving marriage amicably.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 08:05 PM
1

If she’s dumb enough to take $40k from her 401k when you both have debt she’s planning on making this hard. Prep yourself for her inflicting max pain to force you into a settlement. Bigger slice of a smaller pie. Goes for custody too.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 05:09 AM
1

Yes. Ask your lawyer if they are familiar with opposing counsel and if they can manage a high conflict divorce should that come to pass (they will all say yes, but be suspicious and ask for specifics). I learned this too late. Now what you’re really asking about is the rate. How much you pay is largely decided by the court, your ex, and OC, assuming you don’t want to make everything into a fight.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 07:15 PM
5

Get used to not fair.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 03:03 PM
6

Adding another lawyer to the mix is not a solution. My experience is that the GAL was an untrained friend of the court bottom feeder that made some snap judgements knowing that the judge has punted custody decisions to them. She ended up with more power to raise my kids than I did. Child psychology, at least in my case, wasn’t part of it. All she was was a sounding board for “what the kids wanted” right in that moment, based on what/e question she used to elicit that answer. Because kids conside…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 02:44 PM
3

Oh really? Not in family court.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/24 03:29 AM
2

“Everything is negotiable” is what she said to me. I kept trying. Now she is dead. What replaced her has no relevance to me. I have no attachment to it. Read some stoic philosophy. I have to accept that she will raise my kids how she wants to, in spite of them and me. That I don’t see my kids every night. That everything i have can be taken by my ex, the court, the government. My only choice is to decide how to deal with that. So far, not well. What can I do tho? These last two years have been b…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/24 03:26 AM
2

Read beyond the high road by Amy baker. Free online. It’s short. Courts don’t care. GALs and child psychologists, good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/24 01:23 PM
17

High earner strategy…let’s do this without lawyers (so I can pressure you into what I want, possibly by financially manipulating you). Don’t be surprised if she has a lawyer, or at least hens telling her what to do.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/24 01:06 PM
6

Mexico, margaritas and tequila shots on the beach. Plenty of friends doing the same.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/24 06:35 AM
2

There is no “fair”. There is either what the judge arbitrarily decides after ignoring rules and excusing violations based on what he had for lunch, what mediators, GALs, and lawyers pressure you into doing, or what you, by your own free will, agree to in the final stipulation. Child support is always the exception. It is what the calculator says it is even if you agree in writing to something else. Utah alimony is a shit show. At least my experience being the low earner. But also seeing female f…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 04:34 PM
2

Lawyer. Agreements between parties are nonenforceable.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 02:07 PM
8

Part of making it your fault for the marriage failing. You won’t be able to prove you weren’t because she’s already decided.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 07:22 AM
7

I wrote this. Except for the part about thinking of her fucking somebody else. Ex is a hoofed beast with digestive issues. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you are free to do anything. But you have kids. Be the best father you can to them. They need to see that. And they are blood. Your wife is dead. Everybody tells me to build a new life, cause you know, that’s easy when you took your vows seriously and committed to being a husband and a father. You probably gave up your identity to …
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 12:06 AM
2

The latter, up to this point.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 09:30 PM
2

No, I've been in enough hearings to know that the lawyers are going to run into a private room, and the judge will sequence cases based on whether there is an agreement or not. I was hoping to avoid the cost of preparing for trial just to see this high-pressure drama play out at the last minute. Playing hardball hasn't worked at all for me. I've had one ruling after another against me, even in cases where it seemed like there was a clear violation of an existing order on her part. We will have t…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 07:09 AM
1

All true. Trial probably isn’t going to my way either. Thx.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 12:38 AM
7

Welcome to family court. And the silver bullet divorce. Being on a call saved the judges spit on your face. That wasn’t the problem. The problem is that you are a bad bad man. Get used to it. At least you are getting a speedy trial on alimony. Sale of the house is a trial issue. Don’t know what to do about the mortgage not being paid. Guess you’ll be paying it now at least. Sorry man. Rant away. It’s about all you can do.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 08:17 PM
1

Expect pressure to make a decision. It’s like a police interrogation—lying, bullying, bad legal advice are all on the table, right/wrong/fair/just have no place in mediation, and all confidential later, so no disincentive not to. Judge? If it is in court, careful affirming anything as it can be legally binding.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:30 PM
5

Divorce mediators will do this. Have caveats, but if you’re amicable then this will save and keep you both living a higher standard than litigation.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:25 PM
5

Wonder if she’ll put aside her own temporary discomfort and inconvenience to support her lifetime mate when you get sick, have a stroke, need major surgery, diapers changed, injure yourself and can’t do what you do at the golf course/gym/travel/etc, have to change your diet for your health, spend 6 weeks in the hospital, need to drop everything to run back to the US to support a kid in need….or whether you’ll face these alone too.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 04:12 AM
2

Emotional affair? Idk, but I’d reframe that in your head and words. Sure she wants you out of the house. Why you giving her what she wants? That’s what family court does, and when you move an inch, well that’s where you start. Air up the mattress in the guest room for her. Why should you sleep on the couch? Family court is on her side. Moving out doesn’t help you, but if you can turn her toward mediation early, that’s the better way. Also, agreements between parties are not enforceable. A handsh…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 05:07 PM
2

Truth is used against you, lies are the foundation of family court. My ex underreported her 401k by a big oopsie amount in uncontested mediation and did not report tens of thousands in an account we held for rental income. When I called her out she just backed out of mediation. No harm, no foul because everything in mediation is confidential and can’t be later used in court. Read that again. Calculate your risk. Now when this came to the settlement conference she came clean on the retirement. My…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 04:58 PM
2

Get another lawyer. Record. If anything she ever throws hits you, act the Real Madrid red card and make sure there’s a bruise. Police report and hospital. Even recording a good hissy fit where stuff ends up flying may be enough. Then you have a silver bullet to take to a lawyer for an RO. Then she’s figuring out where to live. She would do it to you. You move out and you’re on your back foot in a system that’s against you. And you’re paying for her to live in your house and paying for yourself t…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 10:09 PM
1

This, except if you are on good terms, try a mediated divorce. Once you go down the spiral of litigation things get expensive fast, and given you moved out, it’s unclear what parenting you’re involved in, and you are down financially and she’s not, family court will serve you a fucking that’ll roll your eyes back in your head. You are the bad man that abandoned his family and left brave hardworking mom struggling to raise your kids. Don’t make the low earner mistake of trying to work things out …
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 07:00 AM
3

You want your ex wife to be the sole adult influence in their lives? That said, there are studies that show that parents don’t matter much. Money, the neighborhood the kids grow up in. I get it. I didn’t bond until around maybe 6 months. After that kids were the center of my life. Now my ex weaponizes that. So there’s some envy for you.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 10:51 PM
1

YMMV. You may be fine right after, you may be sore for a while, you could have long term pelvic pain. Good luck explaining why you sit on an ice pack and wear a jock strap now if you aren’t better the next day. No scars FWIW, and there are no other tells. For me the best part was my ex wanting to go horseback riding a few months later. Foreshadowing.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 10:47 PM
2

Mine stopped birth control and told me if I wanted sex I’d get a vasectomy. But I’m an over controlling narcissist.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 10:42 PM
1

You’ll be sore for weeks to a month or more, sitting on ice or heat packs.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 07:35 PM
8

OP, you have your kids and not bracelets. You won more than many fathers.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 12:46 AM
11

LOL. The hardest part was looking at the judge making her and now his rulings with a straight face, acting like they didn’t know what was going on. Mediators and GALs, custody coordinators, all the same. The scared poor woman trope is the playbook because it works so well. I walked into court thinking the judge would see a dedicated father who just needed to get out of a bad marriage so he could be a father and live in peace. I might as well have taken a shit on the floor. Doubt I’d have ended u…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 12:37 AM
2

I’m the low earner. Basically the woman in the marriage. I could have fought for 50-50 custody, but with what money? An ex with a better lawyer, a GAL that I now know bluffed and threatened, and the prospect of a years long legal fight I couldn’t afford, everybody was happy to see me off with 60-40, which my ex will probably make me fight to keep after the divorce. The financial devastation is also real. My standard of living is much less. My daughter sees this. I have more debt now than in my e…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 07:53 PM
5

Also 54, pretty much the same. Except I don’t wish her all the happiness in the world after what she’s done and still have a few more years of dealing with her.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 06:56 PM
3

Telling my side makes me look like a crazy person with a persecution complex.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 02:19 AM
3

Don’t look for logic…my ex spent 4x what I will pay her in child support, so she gets to say “…and he pays ME child support!”
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 11:23 PM
10

"If you pay me $X now I won't ask for child support later" is well worn trap every man should know about. If the decree isn't airtight on this or the ex can argue that there's been a substantive change in her or your financial situation, the judge will ignore it, punch numbers into the calculator, and tell you how much you owe.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 09:54 PM
1

How would one go about that? Any form of mediation is confidential, and with a mediator what you sign makes it clear any attempt at accountability will be an expensive fail. My pre-trial judge was sued. Suit was ruthlessly quashed. My lawyer says we can file appeals after the divorce ruling. But the whole point is that my ex makes 2.5x what I do. She’ll work the system until I’m broke or submit to her terms. That’s the point. So maybe there’d be a moral victory one day, but time and money won’t …
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 04:06 PM
2

In mediation she lied about her 401k balance until I requested her most recent statement, so she withdrew from mediation. It's all confidential so what's the harm in trying? I still made a fair offer based on what I knew what she earned before the marriage, but it wasn't good enough. Took it to settlement conference where she accepted that offer, then turned around and demanded half my retirement...90% of it was premarital. My lawyer played it wrong, locked in her deal and brought mine to court.…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 08:36 AM
2

I had my doubts about my lawyer but stuck with him, until he buckled--hell, even argued OC's case--during the settlement conference. Switched the next week. It's expensive, paying 2 lawyers through the transition, but the cost of sticking with him...
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 12:45 AM
6

Just be aware that the pretrial/settlement conference is 1/ a pressure cooker where the point is to get somebody to settle 2/ the GAL is a lawyer and uses lawyer tactics, including bluffs, threats, and lies 3/ everything, including unethical behavior, is confidential, so there are no repercussions 4/ if you say “yes” or “I agree” you are bound to whatever. You may have fewer friends in the room than you think. The judge wants somebody to buckle, and isn’t thinking of your best interest, the best…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 05:33 PM
2

Every convo with my lawyer is “how can the judge allow this?” At this point it’s a weekly reaffirmation where I ask my therapist if I am crazy, delusional, and/or have a victim complex.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 05:34 AM
2

I’m still stuck in learned helplessness.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 05:31 AM
1

Second this. If you want to go with a pharmacologic, zolpidem or an orexin antagonist (lumbexasomething?) are better choices than diphenhydramine OTC, alcohol, or benzodiazepines. One issue for Benadryl is next day drowsiness. Lunesta might be an option…it’s better for keeping you asleep rather than falling asleep. Sleep hygiene (screens, etc), exercise, timing meals, routine are best, but I just take my ambien.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 06:56 PM
1

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. But yell at your wife and you get bracelets and an RO.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 01:33 AM
13

Not just that, she's probably rewritten in her mind your whole history. She had doubts from day one, then there was that time when you were dating, and what you did on your wedding nite, and it only gets worse from there. She's down the path of justifying leaving you by focusing on every negative aspect, and forgetting any of the positive.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 11:54 PM
3

Silver bullet divorce. Google it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 07:25 PM
0

Getting past an awful marriage and contentious divorce, then a suicide…I don’t see it for me. I’d give up but don’t even know what that would look like.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 02:28 PM
1

It’s as much your bedroom as hers. Why is it assumed the man sleeps on the couch…? Small concession, but it sets the tone for wherever the relationship goes.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 01:14 PM
2

They need the follicle, not just hair. A 23&Me test would work--spit from a cup.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 10:53 PM
10

No kids? About 6 months. Kids…I’ll never get over divorcing kids.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 05:09 PM
3

Sure can. If she wasn’t served this is step one in strangling the other party and protecting assets for herself. This will never be rectified. And if OP runs up debt after separation because, well that’s going to be his.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 04:58 PM
1

Did you commingle your joint funds with your inheritance? Inheritance is not a marital asset…she’s not doing you a favor by not going after it, but if you mix it in with marital money or by paying off joint debt…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 07:43 PM
1

"We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need." - Tyler Durden
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 04:02 AM
3

One tactic is for the breadwinner to say “let’s make this all amicable because we don’t need to waste money on a lawyer” when they think doing so will put them at an advantage. Oh here, I’ll toss you a bone because what you don’t know gets me more. She may have a lawyer telling her to try this. Your initial discovery needs to be the most paranoid version of what you think may be going on, because later you may not get to call witnesses or get an accountant involved. The rest of it…yeah, good man…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 06:01 PM
1

This, but, you might engage your wife about her…theories. Have her send you what her astrology consultants have advised her, and record what she tells you. Take a genuine interest, you know. These are exhibits later. Better if you can leave with the kids and a basis for an RO against her, concerned about false DV if u have evidence, or worried about the kids because of her mental state. IDK about moving out without filing and with kids. So you move out and leave the kids with her, down the line …
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 10:02 PM
8

My ex hit me twice early in our relationship. Throat punches. I reacted like any victim acted. Looking back, when I didn't do anything, she knew then that I was the one. The one she could run over for the rest of her life. The day I stood up to her was the day we were headed for a high conflict divorce, and she has won. All I get to say is that I am not married to her any more and lawyers have $80k that my kidss don't get. One of my favorite moments was the "clinical neutral" asking her "does he…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 06:23 AM
2

"to put it to my stbx like men would be held responsible" Good luck with that. Read about silver bullet divorces. Start recording, be a zen jedi master. The bar for a man to get accused of D/V is very low. Get consults with all the lawyers who are nearby. Ask them who they would recommend in a high-conflict divorce. Doing this you create a conflict of interest so she can't hire the lawyer later.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 02:48 AM
1

Two types of mediation: Amicable mediation (collaborative divorce) where you sit down with a mediator, maybe a financial planner, coparenting coordinator, and lawyer. They analyze your financies and make a recommendation based on what they "think the court will decide." Divide things up, lawyer writes an order. Pay a flat fee. Lawyer/court-order mediation where you hire lawyers to put on a show for a "mediator" and after fighting for hours you end up dividing things up, maybe fairly, maybe under…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 02:41 AM
3

Just tonite I heard that on some show on tv. Same. Sometimes I think my ex’s legal strategy was to break me, and it worked.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 07:52 AM
3

Every filing I’m made out to be scum. Relevant or not she gets it in there. Of course there’s no way I can defend or reply to the unending river of bile. Not sure if it’s to make me crazy or get the first/last word in with the judge, but it’s worked on both fronts.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 10:40 PM
1

True. At trial he’ll be petty and disagreeable for bringing up past misdeeds…she didn’t report an account and spent everything in it right before the trial, she stole this, destroyed that, she locked me out of the house/bank accounts. All water under the bridge. This idea that there’s a sanction for not reporting all your assets is a joke that a good lawyer can maneuver around later.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 05:38 PM
3

Same. Before divorce I’d wheedle with my daughter to make me a pie or cupcakes and she eventually would. Last 2 years she didn’t call, I didn’t see her, just another day that passed and will be forgotten. The last time my birthday was acknowledged by my ex she gave me a card, which is something we never really did. “Here’s to another trip around the sun.” That about sums it up. Your kids are young. You still have time to make a ritual and tradition with them. Start tonite, even if it’s stupid an…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 05:23 PM
1

For me, somebody told me (pre divorce) that narcissists love it when ur frustrated because that’s when they know they’re in control. I about fell over. Now tho…I mean I accept that it wasn’t all her fault, never said it was, and I thought I owned my responsibility, but where I am mentally I’m not sure of anything.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 07:35 PM
2

In my mind, my ex went on a campaign of disinformation and denigration. I can’t get it out of my head. 1 court filing after another, telling the same crazy story. Things that at one point I knew were not true. I look back at what I think proves how wild her accusations are. But nobody in the court system gives one shit about any of it. Judges and lawyers, fine, but the GAL, “coparenting” clinical “neutral”, my daughter’s therapist. The professionals who I thought would ensure that I would stay a…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 06:08 PM
2

Lawyer might tell you to move fast and file as a way of documenting what's going on. All the other things--record, stay in the house, be a zen master. Check with your lawyer if VT is one-party consent. Go around now and take pictures of every possession in the house. Make sure you are primary account holder on all accounts, change passwords. Ask lawyer what to do if she leaves with the kids again. Silver bullet divorce is a thing, and she'll find a lawyer to play it. Might consider getting consu…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 11:16 PM
1

She gave you a concussion? You go to the hospital or call the police? Still got bruises? Lawyer. Discovery won't help you. If you don't put your side out there ASAP you are in for a world of hurt.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 03:56 AM
3

Silver bullet divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 10:55 PM
3

One of the hens gave my ex the following advice: pretend everything is fine and when he least expects it move, enroll kids in school. Tell judge he scares you. You’ll keep kids. Women know how to work the system.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 02:24 AM
6

Lawyer. Parenting plan. Cut off financially until a court order is in place. Court will take plenty so don’t start by giving. Unless you don’t want to see your kids and will subsidize her new found liberation from her oppressor. The interstate issue is going to fuck you. Talk to a lawyer but if she files first in AR and you’re out of state 70-30 custody with momma is going to be where you start.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 01:38 AM
3

You have the advantage of establishing a routine with your little one. Make sure from day one you get your custody, no reason it shouldn't be 50-50. Make drop offs smooth and the transitions painless for your kid. At that age they will adapt and learn the routine. Be prepared for your ex to maybe make things hard--I'd assume she will and if she doesn't, great, you'll be good coparents. Read Amy Baker, Beyond the Higher Road just so you have an idea of how an ex can screw things up and how to res…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 04:21 PM
3

If I'd known how family court works, I'd stay. I go long periods without seeing my daughter. Of all the things taken from me the last 2 years, nothing hurts like not seeing your kid. It was only 5 more years.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 02:25 AM
1

Record, take pictures of everything you own, get current account statements and anything you have from beginning of time if you have premarital assets, be with kids, set boundaries. Read up on gray rock and silver bullet divorce. Don’t leave the house again. Leave and she locks you out it will be saying to the court “oh, he’s fine living somewhere else. He doesn’t want to be around kids and they’re fine without him. Now let’s make sure momma can still pay bills and mortgage.”
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 08:25 AM
1

Yes
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 08:20 AM
4

Classic. She needs a little pick me up and knows where to go to get it. Wants to know she still has her claws in you.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 01:07 AM
1

Her formative years are ahead of you. When she hits 12, different story, but the years between three and 12, she’s gonna remember them. She’s going to remember time with her dad, you’ll have pictures, come up with traditions, memories. Had a friend who had a bunch of affairs. Divorced his wife when his kids were young. He stuck to his custody agreement, developed that routine when the kids were little. As they got older,into the teen years, they just came because it’s what they knew they were go…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 11:29 PM
2

How old? How much time have you spent with her until now?
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 07:46 PM
1

Alimony an option if she reduces his pension by half? Or can he argue pension is now income, like a wage or social security, not an asset like a bank account? Did u retire early or are you <62 or retire for medical?
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 05:53 PM
0

Before there’s an injunction preventing it… And if the account gets found, make a mess of statements you provide in discovery, spend what’s in the account before settlement conference filings. “No account to seize cause there’s no money in it!” Worked for my high earner.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 02:44 PM
3

No kids? You are free. Travel. Learn a little of the language. Go someplace where there aren't a ton of Americans and you'll have plenty of people who want to talk to you, if that's what you want. Me? I'd load up the dog and disappear. But kid.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 11:02 PM
2

Consult is high. Most will do one free, or at discounted rate. Retainer is ballpark. If you can get her to do a mediated divorce you will be far better off. But if she gets vengeful or ideas about what she can get (money or custody), she can drag you through a $$$ process for years. This is another strategy: run the low earner out of money so they settle. A mediated divorce would have cost me $6500. High conflict will be 10x that and we're not done (not counting cost of the things you lose in th…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 08:13 PM
4

You should be angry at the judge. They see this shit daily, err on the assumption the man is violent, rule for momma. This doesn’t just happen over and over, it is a legal strategy. Silver bullet divorce. You’d think the judge would recognize it. My judge worked at a DV support center for 17 years. She recognized all right.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 11:37 PM
3

Yes, it is stupid, and yes, she is stupid enough to send lawyers tens of thousands of dollars that should go to your kids, just to keep you from getting anything. Mine spent $60,000 to get $14,000 of child support from me and 60-40 custody, when I should have gotten CS from her and 50-50 custody. Get a lawyer or let her lawyer scalp you. I've seen what a high earner can do to a low earner with the "Let's just work this out all amicable like and not waste money on lawyers, ok?"
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 10:01 PM
4

Dont let a high earner convince you not to get a lawyer. She probably will, or she’ll have hens to advise her on how to get the best settlement for herself.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 06:51 PM
3

Solo travel. Go international. You'll meet people. Being someplace else that's so different from where I am now is what I need to get out of my rut. I can choose to be anonymous white obeserver, or interesting American. I stayed at this one place in Mexico just after filing. One room, roof leaked when it rained, it was kind of a hostel x community center with a private room. People would come and go and I decided who I wanted to talk to. Went out to eat every night, chatted with waiters, vendedo…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 12:50 AM
2

Stay until there is a court order. Look up your state and see if you are one or 2 party consent, and get cameras accordingly. If her mom lives with you she has a friendly witness. When she throws a tantrum, lay down if you have to. The bar for DV is very low to begin with, but friendly witness??? If she’s talking to a lawyer, they will tell her if you push she needs to fall over and end up with a bruise. Silver bullet. You get jewelry and to defend urself, she gets a free ride thru momma’s court…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 09:24 PM
4

Here? In the US? You leave, then you left voluntarily and you gave up your right to occupy. If she doesn't let you back in, then you walk a fine line by going back in. I'd wait for a court order and temporary motions. The nightmare is you move, keep paying bills, kid stays with her, then that becomes status quo and you can live in a box and see your kid EOW while she maintains her standard of living and has no incentive for a quick or fair settlement. Minimum, I'd have a parenting plan filed bef…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 06:21 PM
6

Do not leave the house, except with the kid. Take a financial snapshot today and when u got married. Get anything you want to keep together and take pics of everything u own. Assume you will get kicked out and never be able to come back. Don’t give up anything…you will say you want fair, her lawyer and probably her will say I want what I can get. You go fair, that’s where the negotiation starts. If false DV is a possibility, read about silver bullet divorces.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 03:18 PM
1

Yes. Look at the domestic relations injunction. Document everything in the dumb ass coparenting app. It’s not so much communicating with your ex as documenting. “I am here, to pick up my daughter, you were supposed to have her ready at 6 PM. It is now 730, and she’s not available. You know the order. I gave you advanced notice on xxx.” You can say anything you want in that app, your purpose is to document. Get a lawyer as soon as you can, print out all those copious messages, and what you’re set…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 11:04 PM
3

If u see it coming, lower your marital standard of living now. That’s the alimony basis. Make sure she’s working. Don’t accept raises or promotions, wait until after the divorce. Set up to strangle her financially in divorce by getting yourself as primary account holder on all accounts, and if you have an account that is “yours” move out a little there for your war chest. Consult with every lawyer in town, especially the high conflict ones so there’s a conflict of interest when she starts callin…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 06:33 PM
2

Stick to your custody agreement with documentation. For the mind games, Amy Baker Beyond the Higher Road or something like that.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 07:24 PM
30

When she met you...she was happier, never questioned her decision to leave the last guy, and was in love. Give her a few months or years. New Mr Wonderful will be emotionally abusive, doesn't support her, blah blah blah STFU. Focus on your kids. You have a decent custody arrangement, you can build a new and better unit where they can see you not as your ex portrayed you but as you are. They are your blood, she's a stranger.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 07:27 PM
2

You don’t explain anything. The way divorce and lawyers work is you get all you can—not what is fair, not what you are entitled to (if there is a thing). If you start in the middle by giving up, then that’s where the negotiations start. It makes no sense, but you start with extreme positions and move toward fair. You don’t tell ur ex a fucking thing, but tell ur lawyer what you will accept and what is fair (and fire the fucktard the first time he doesn’t listen to you). It’s stupid, inefficient,…
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 04:47 PM
3

I spent my time alone--and there has been a lot of it--I spent it writing a journal for my kids, and building a photo album of all our pictures together. To show them that no matter what ex and her family tell her, we were good before all of this.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 02:36 AM
1

Read up about a silver bullet divorce. Don’t leave your house. Record everything. Take pictures of everything in the house. Change all of your accounts so that you are the primary account holder. Take screenshots and download statements from all of your accounts. Start collecting account statements from back until the beginning of time. you want to be able to show what assets and debts are marital versus those that are premarital. If you can get her credit card statements, get them now. same wit…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 06:09 AM
7

Get every account statement you have back to the beginning of time. Change your bank accounts so you are primary. Take pictures of everything in the house. Read about silver bullet divorces. Yes on cash. Here’s how divorce works: make wild accusation/claim, judge throws up his hands, makes random ass ruling, probably for mom because he can’t tell, he sets a unreasonable burden of proof, or it’s in the “best interest of the children.”
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 04:55 PM
4

It’ll feel like that. I can tell you from the perspective of having a partner who killed herself during divorce, what you leave behind is horrible. Not for your ex, but for everybody else. Before she died, we talked about suicide. Not in a practical way, but I thought a theoretical way. First thing is that if you have kids suicide is not an option. Never. After that, think about what’s happening. If you don’t have kids, you get through your divorce and you are free to do whatever you want. Women…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 07:11 PM
1

Good luck. At least you get to be a father.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 04:01 AM
1

Make sure u are primary account holder on everything. I went from SAHD homeschooling my kids for years while working part time, to “emotionally abusing and neglecting them” deadbeat that sat around playing video games. Ex played the system well and got upper hand in just about everything. 2 years on my kids are straight A in public school and want to take online classes from home to finish early, and by every assessment emotionally healthy and well adjusted. In family court you play to the biase…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 10:35 PM
3

I wrote this
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 10:26 PM
1

That was my take exactly, down to the golf. TY. Me being reasonable was tens of thousands ago and just got me making more concessions. I’m gonna lose anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 03:56 PM
1

3. Call all the lawyers and get a consult. Then they will have a conflict of interest when ur ex calls them.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 03:02 AM
3

If you go back to work, even if it’s to survive or just do the right thing, she’ll argue “see, he can make $XX,XXX but chooses not to.”
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 02:48 AM
1

Women would call this a silver bullet divorce. Make a domestic violence allegation, true or not, proof or none. Get a police report if you can but for women the standard for DV it’s so low they can stage it with the word of a friendly witness. Then file for the restraining order, get the house and custody while the RO is litigated. Physical contact should be enough, but for a man, yell at your wife, punch the wall, tell her you wish she was dead, and you are the abuser. Talk to a lawyer, record,…
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 09:10 PM
3

Yes. I've been through this. My partner and I were both going through protracted divorces. Ours had both been getting progressively worse, financially, losing our kids, our identities, the life we had. Being exploited by our ex's. She completed 7 months ago, left me, her kids, her family, coworkers and friends that loved her. Her ex too, but I saw him at the funeral. He found her but I could see on his face that he knew he won. For him her suicide probably wasn't the intended outcome, but it was…
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 07:06 PM
5

This. Do not leave. Change locks. Reverse happened to me…she changed locks, kept my stuff. Haven’t seen anything in 2 years and the fight is $$$. Move on custody immediately.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 04:22 PM
4

I make half of what she does, pay support @ 60-40 custody, which she denies me anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 08:51 PM
1

I spent a month with my daughter. First few weeks were so-so. During the shit times I was ready to walk. Last few weeks we were back to normal. Maybe better. I broke protocol and spoke honestly with her, and she did too. Under the current plan I get one week a month and most of the summers. Now I'm back to not knowing what to do--ask for summers and consolidate my time around winter break, move off and start building my next life, or hang here and take my week a month. I have no idea what to do.…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 04:53 AM
2

20 years trying to make it work, thinking it was my fault. Thinking I could change just a little and make it right. Completely betrayed myself to be what I thought she wanted, and it would’ve never been enough. OP, quit blaming yourself. I mean, if there are things that you want to change, change them. Don’t think she would’ve stayed for you if you had just done a little bit different. Now eight months after I left, i met the woman I thought I was gonna be with for the rest of my life. The woman…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 12:06 AM
3

Yeah. It’s a bunch of shit. I’d expected more for my kids. I actually expected more from family court, like they’d know a decent man when they saw one. Hah.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 02:41 AM
5

Glad you asked because this is the most common question I get— “what did you do to make her so mad?“ That’s why include the disclaimer. I was away visiting family with my daughter. came back to a locked door. To family court, I left the house willingly. Being a simp, I thought my ex and I had an agreement and were going to do this civil. Her lawyer and the hens told her to agree to anything knowing that agreements between parties are not enforceable. my kids came back to their room, with a bunch…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 01:29 AM
2

TY. I’m sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 09:07 PM
1

TY
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 05:00 PM
1

True. TY.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 05:00 PM
1

Youngest is 15
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 03:39 PM
2

Suicide is off the table. Just saw it happen with a friend going thru divorce. But yeah, I was done with the US lifestyle a while ago, but that’s what my ex is giving the kids. I hear what ur saying.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 03:19 PM
1

This is where I’m heading. I thought being SAHD was commitment to family. Naw, it was bullshit. I’ll probably have this convo next week with them at the end of our summer trip.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 03:16 PM
3

I will. I’ve seen them, my therapist and friends say around 16 is when they start to see thru the games. I have my doubts because my ex has been playing this since before the divorce. Bad dad wants to send you to bed but let’s make cookies! Fucking hurts to watch, but the expert GAL and therapists are adamant that my ex is genuine and there’s nothing she’s doing. They tell me this all the time and tell me I need to change.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 03:01 PM
1

This is what I’m afraid of, but it’s between this and just being like a servant on call to be there when and if, and on their terms, and not being able to be a father when because if I do something they don’t like they can disappear. It’s a no win situation, I see that.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 02:58 PM
1

There was a lot of other crap in there…in 3 months while my daughter was with me we had an argument, so that’s emotional abuse. But yeah, one day I’ll post those texts so y’all can see how the hens educate each other. You’d think her lawyer coulda cherry picked that better: she would literally take sentences from emails I sent and only submit the parts that told the story they wanted to tell, like cutting sentences in half. Now I’m the uncooperative parent because I gray rock. Can’t win. Younges…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 02:55 PM
2

TY
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 02:30 PM
6

Yup. Kids are already there. It doesn't matter now. I have to find a reason to live because my family and my kids were my reason, because I just kept pouring more into them to satisfy a woman who was never going to be happy.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 06:18 AM
1

Your point being that men who married a narcissist are more likely to need a divorce lawyer because they end up getting a divorce and couldn’t settle any other way because they are dealing with a narcissist?
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 05:56 AM
2

I'm about there too. I'll keep the 2BR for now just to run up my expenses for trial, but after that, looking at a couch or my old bedroom, or a cheap studio back in hometown. I see how her family talks about her late father. It is the story they want to tell, and you repeat the same lie over and over it becomes the truth. It's gross. Took me years to figure out what was going on.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 05:16 AM
1

It’s what everybody expects men to do…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 04:41 AM
2

I filed for divorce when I started seeing signs of a silver bullet from her, but kept going to couples counseling and actually thought we were making some progress. Ex found out when she showed up in a divorce lawyer’s office. I am the shit ball. Every court filing she makes a point of telling that story, just leaving out the part about how she found out.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 04:26 AM
1

True. I’ve told the family therapist a dozen times that it’s only now that I’m 50 can I see the value my parents brought me as a teen when I was telling them to fuck off. She decided a long time ago that I wasn’t necessary tho, so far as she’s concerned a teenage girl doesn’t need a father that’s closer than a postcard.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 04:22 AM
2

I never believed anybody would see me as the bad man, but now I know that the minute I filed that was all I was ever going to be.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 04:19 AM
2

TY
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 04:17 AM
2

My kids watched me be my ex’s doormat for all their lives. Is it any wonder they think this is the way to treat men? But somehow I’m still the bad guy.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 04:16 AM
1

Same. They’re starting that game. I don’t respond to their offers.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 01:52 AM
3

Heifer commissioner sits up there like she hasn’t seen this before.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 01:52 AM
8

This is where I’m headed. I just never imagined our lives would turn out this way. I was going to do better than my parents, ended up worse.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 12:09 AM
15

And to have good story to tell the hens. Her friend sent her the playbook. Like, her lawyer submitted those texts to evidence. I am not kidding. Tell the judge you’re scared / let him think everything is ok, you want to keep the family together, then when he least expects it take the kid and move off, enroll her in a new school right away / talk to your lawyer, she’ll make sure kid stays with you. That about covers the highlights. That is in evidence, but in family court, the fuck cares? And my …
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 12:07 AM
2

Youngest is 15, sophomore.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 11:59 PM
1

I did and I argued that…it was also 2 days after ex picked up the dog from the dog sitter and read me terms for if I wanted to see him again. And anything in mediation is confidential…the GAL knew that. Lawyer told me there’s no fight there. If I sound defeatist, ya that’s what this has taught me.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 11:58 PM
2

Transition to 60-40 with clause saying something about deference to the kids. It was a shit deal. I believed my ex was acting in best interest of kids and would follow thru. Fucking simp ass.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 11:50 PM
4

I can’t make them come if they don’t want to. I tried. It was hell and I paid for it. I used to sit in front of the house on exchange days and my ex would send kids out to tell me they didn’t want to come. I’m done with that. Maybe one day they’ll respect that I didn’t give up, but stopped putting them in the middle.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 11:43 PM
1

TY
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 11:41 PM
3

I’m not talking about dodging child support, just accepting not being part of kids lives. Otherwise, no, there is no reason for me to continue doing what I’m doing.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 11:39 PM
6

Ex strangled me financially then made the argument in court that I was intentionally underemployed. I had a part time contract job, 10 years earning history, judge ordered complete business records and another hearing 3 months later before ruling. I took a desperation job and magically the judge made my expenses equal to my income, with some leftover, so no support and paying child support. My ex makes a quarter mil before bonuses. As of last month she’s made more than I’d make all year. I’ve co…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 11:37 PM
1

I fell for it and that’s a done deal at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 11:26 PM
2

Initially I told him all i wanted from divorce was to be a dad still and not be ruined financially. As my kids have dropped off he’s just kept asking if I’ve made up my mind to move back to hometown. When the GAL threatened me in mediation both he and the mediator said I should take 60-40, but kids refuse to come, so it doesn’t matter. Ex spent hours in OFW last month setting up a parent time schedule so she’s lining things up so I don’t have a fight. Lawyer thinks maybe I can get alimony to cov…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 11:25 PM
1

Amy Baker, beyond the high road
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 10:57 PM
1

Oh done did that. GAL was useless (dad had his turn now it’s moms, because I was SAHD). Therapists not much better. Judge was involved in a case where she found alienation and ordered reunification…and dad went murder suicide. Poison steals your babies judge took your rights…. I’ll only see my kids when they ask for me.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 04:01 AM
2

It’s hard getting from there to here. Before the divorce I was a great dad with a special relationship with kids…her words, her family’s, her friends’. Now I’m in the middle of being torn down by them and it’s hard to see the other side when kids are hostile toward me, when they see me. Glad u made it thru.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 01:45 PM
4

Twilight zone <—-> catch 22 This process is meant to destroy. But you didn’t do nothing to your son. Prevail for him. Don’t tell me practice what I preach.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 11:56 PM
4

You are the bad man, and despite the lip service, the wards of the court don't see value in fathers. You are expected to adapt to the financial outcomes. Men provide semen and child support, at least in the eyes of family court. For me, once the dust settles, I'll see what I have left, see what my obligations are, see what I can survive off of, and go live what life I can. Her lawyer has inflated her expenses and she has underreported her income. Her honor, at least in temporary orders hearings,…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 06:58 PM
2

Careful my man. Judge's can do what they want. I walked into a hearing thinking my ex would be slayed after she ignored a court ordered request for a pile of financial documentation of income and spending from both of us. Her honor completely ignored my ex's lapse, grilled me on what I provided, and deferred to the little information my ex provided without question when she disagreed with my budgeting. She ruled unilaterally in my ex's favor and chastised me for "trying to falsify" what amounted…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 04:30 PM
2

It’s too bad, because I’m getting better now. She’s missing out. Put this on repeat, but don’t care if she’s missing out or not.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 06:09 PM
2

Porn, gambling, roughhousing with the kids, not paying enough attention to the kids, not paying enough attention to her because you were paying too much attention to the kids. She was looking for something and landed on porn. Even better that it has societal and cultural stigma attached to it, and answering questions about it would be embarrassing. She was looking for something. Almost every man here can say they tried everything and their wives just weren’t happy. My ex, in her RO, said I was o…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 03:41 PM
3

Idk, telling her lawyer to eat a dick might be the only thing I get out of this whole shit show.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 05:30 AM
1

50% is your final position, not ur starting position. Divorce is not logical, there is no room for reason. It’s about getting the best deal. Get those videos back.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 05:57 AM
1

Nope. Gave up under threat from GAL. SAHD to Disney dad on demand. It suck. /pityparty
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 09:13 PM
3

…cursing, pushing, ugly fights…we are not vindictive people This is setting yourself up for a silver bullet divorce. The bar for domestic violence is very low. In her face screaming, a witness (even her BFF), a push that turns into something achievable only by the best soccer players. You want to be very careful, and if possible be on the winning side of that. She may not HAVE BEEN vindictive, but that will change. Here’s the advice a hen gave my ex: let him think everything is ok, you want to w…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 04:18 PM
3

In family court anything will be used against you. My first communications were normal. Her lawyer literally cut sentences in half to make it look like I said something I didn’t. Think “I would like X, but we can come to an agreement” manipulated to make it look like I’m making demands. Now my short notes are used as evidence of my hostility, and her expositions are how hard she’s trying to break through to this horrible angry brute in the best interest of the kids as she struggles to make ends …
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 03:48 PM
2

It has to do with her deep-rooted psychological problems, enough money to hire a lawyer willing to do anything, and a heifer commissioner who acts like she’s never seen a silver bullet divorce. I’ve had mediators, lawyer, and therapist say this is a 1 in 1000 divorce. Or maybe I’m crazy, fuck if I know at this point. We don’t even have that much to fight over, but what we have she’s winning.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 04:43 PM
4

I’m in the middle of it all with teen kids. Ex locked me out of the house and has waged a scorched earth divorce. As part of that she’s driven a wedge between me and the kids, from purposefully making drop offs awful to using the dog as leverage, buying them all they want, it only stops short of something so egregious that it would be provable. Based on what little I get from therapists and GAL and kids, she’s telling them the story she’s telling the court. The GAL and therapist did nothing more…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 07:41 AM
2

But, judge can still decide that you’re an asshole based on allegations in the TRO. Even if they don’t meet the standard of imminent and irreparable harm, even if they are all lies. There is no due process or presumption of innocence, and the judge’s feelings > evidence in family court. You can ‘win’ against a TRO and still lose later.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 04:38 AM
1

Best for the kids is the bleating of the sheep in family court. If you know the reference you get what I mean. If there was a unified front, would they be getting a divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 05:04 PM
1

You are the bad man. Get used to it. It is the bias of our culture and the court. “But I…!” Nope. Everybody already knows. The first question I get asked: what did you do to make her so angry? Even here, you’re not telling us something. I guess I didn’t always deign her changing dietary needs when I cooked dinner, and would get upset when she kept the kids up past the bedtime we talked about so they weren’t stressed when I had to get them up and get them to school on time. There are more respons…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 04:59 PM
1

LMK how it goes. The bias of the court is gross. She wants a trial, I’m going to give her a trial just so the judge hears what she’s done before I pay my divorce tax. My luck: the commissioner in my case ruled that a mom alienated the kids, awarded dad reunification time, and he killed himself and kids. Now state law says momma can’t alienate kids. I have no chance there. Just spending enough money to send the kids to college and buy them cars, instead of sending them to college and buying them …
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/24 09:47 AM
6

I just had this conversation with my lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/24 03:46 AM
3

GAL threatened me that she’d go to the judge and recommend state minimum visitation if I didn’t accept 60-40. Doesn’t matter anyway, kids are teen and ex took every opportunity to drive a wedge between us. Court don’t care. Best interest of the kids is paying child support. I miss them, all lawyer can do is remind me that custody is settled. 2 years and $50k in and I’m not done yet…well, done emotionally and physically, ex has the money to get what I have left and give it to lawyers. There’s sti…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 03:22 AM
1

GALs are not harmless. They hold the reins to your kids. Once a GAL turns against you, the judge will do whatever the GAL recommends. And they are lawyers, not child psychologists. So kid says something, GAL won’t ask why it look for evidence or consider their development or long-term well being. “I hate my dad” means GAL will advocate for mom, not, huh, is it because he took your phone away yesterday but mom will let you do anything? They are lawyers, your children with their undeveloped minds …
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 02:07 PM
1

Sorry man, it shouldn't be this hard, but some people are dumb as fuck.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/24 01:16 AM
1

No kids? Time for divorce. Kids? How long do you have to hang on? Can you make it? If she isn't trying, isn't happy, there's nothing you can do, 'cept maybe put your head down and soldier on until the kids are out, start working on building your post-divorce life instead of trying to make somebody who will not be happy with you happy. If you're doing everything, and she's doing nothing, maybe look into discernment counseling to reach the agreement to divorce together.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 02:34 AM
2

She's getting advice on how to fuck you as hard as she can. The call all lawyers is high-conflict divorce 101. Read about silver bullet divorces. Record everything, Grey rock while you get your shit in order. Know where all your money is, how much is there, and if you are primary account holder. Watch your credit cards, and don't set a precedent for paying her. Go around the house and take pictures of everything. Do not move out. Be as involved with your kid as possible. Quit trying so hard.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 02:27 AM
1

Yeah, another kid ain’t solving your problems. Condoms.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/24 11:36 PM
2

And a man that doesn’t conform to the courts preconceived notions is punished for not being the provider. She maintains her standard of living, I am willfully underemployed and can spend my half of our savings to get by. Momma’s court, enforcing man’s divorce tax and making sure I be all the father I can be by paying child support.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 02:26 PM
5

Welcome to family court. The GAL in my case basically said that since I was a SAHD I'd had my turn, now it was mom's turn. Then when I pushed for 50-50 in mediation, she straight up told me that if I didn't accept less she was going to recommend I get state minimum. Screaming and eye rolling to the point I told the mediator I was not talking to her again. If nobody's told you yet, you are the bad man.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 07:28 AM
1

Do a shitty job providing what they ask for. I was thorough, gave exactly and all they requested, turns out I was just hand feeding them. Her discovery response was a joke, completely useless piles of garbage, but their counter is "well, what you asked for is somewhere in there." I spent a ton of time on mine, now I'll spend a ton of time and billable hours sorting through the spam she sent if I'm going to get anything out of it. I also tried asking for mediation instead of going through discove…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 07:22 AM
2

My point is, when u ask something that she doesn’t want you to do or doesn’t think is fair, or interferes with her plans, what do you think she will do? It’s math: cost of divorce < staying together as long as …. For both of you. Easy example, I hate sex with you and want to fuck other women, the equation flips for her, you don’t provide anything she can’t replace, so there she goes. Or, I don’t want you groping me anymore so dead bed, then you have to decide if the equation still works for you.…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 05:11 PM
3

What do you think will happen when she doesn’t get her way, or you go off to do your thing and she protests, but you do it anyway? Not like getting a gf, but taking your own expensive vacation, or not making a major life change she wants? Are you still providing something for her that she can eventually replace?
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 02:08 PM
3

Silver bullet.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 05:58 AM
3

Yes. It’s not that judge doesn’t know what to do, they don’t care. Same with all the other court orders and tenets of human decency that she will shit on.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 03:42 PM
1

My stbx used mediation to try to game a better outcome than she would get through litigation. When I called her out on hidden assets and misreported retirement accounts with the mediator, and when I pushed a schedule for meeting with coparenting coordinator, she filed a motion to modify parent time, and all indications are that we will go to trial to settle financials. It's stupid, but I don't think it's uncommon for the high earner to make pain to reach a settlement, or to offer mediation as a …
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 02:13 AM
2

Go do things you like. You'll meet people there, even if it's just a casual go-nowhere interaction. Dog park for me. I'm not interested in any of those people, but I talk to them anyway, ask them about their dogs, comment on them, they talk to me. It's just practice. Maybe I'll go to concerts. You can always make a friend in the mosh pit if you're friendly. I also travel and camp off-grid, meet likeminded people. Share something personal, be a little vulnerable. Ask questions. I ask about tattoo…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/24 06:01 AM
2

I wish I saw mine
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/24 05:52 AM
2

Yeah. This is the way it goes. I’m there with you.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 03:47 PM
1

Silver bullet divorce. The kids are just tools to hurt you. Also, look up a paper by Amy Baker, beyond the higher road, about combating parental alienation. You have to be careful, because the court will never see what she’s doing as harmful or sufficient proof, but it doesn’t go both ways.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 12:55 PM
2

Same as you. Best moment ever: when coparenting coordinator told me I was overcontrolling because I wanted to set appointments for weeks in advance with her and kids counselor. Swish! I could her my ex saying see!!!! Part of the narcissism is knowing she will never be held accountable for her lies or broken promises.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 05:24 PM
1

could she say I abandoned the house when I file the divorce Yes. This is what happened to me. Left on vacation together, came back separate as was our plan. I was locked out, I haven't been in since. That was 2 years ago. She gets to decide what I can have back, enjoys the house and the low mortgage payment, has been erasing me from there, and my daugther, well, she's back in her room with her things so no need to go see dad because he's living in an AirBnB. If I need a bowl or a pillow or a cha…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 02:33 PM
1

No no no no no. You need to catch it on camera, be a jedi knight, and call the police. Get a restraining order, send her on her way. It's called a silver bullet, and women do it all the time. A raised hand, screaming in your face, a benign threat, DV = TRO = silver bullet.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/24 01:42 AM
2

Do not leave the house. Take pictures of everything before you go. Look at it this way: you are free. It's only after you've lost everything that you are free to do anything. Hate your job? Quit. You moved for her? Leave. Don't like doing dishes and laundry? Paper plates and your favorite T shirt everyday. No kids to take care of, no Honey Do's, no trying to be somebody you aren't for a woman who was never going to be happy but was having a great go of seeing what you would do for her. What, you…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/24 04:11 PM
2

How old are your kids?
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/24 02:17 AM
2

Women leave. Even if they stay with you.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/24 12:38 AM
3

Read about silver bullet divorces. The threshold for a woman to claim DV is very very low. There is no presumption of innocence and the standard for evidence can be "I was afraid for my life your honor/officer!!! [sobs]" You need to be a zen jedi motherfucker, record record record, and if she raises a hand you're a victim of DV. I know, you're a man and you wouldn't do that. Her lawyer and the hens are telling her what to do. No bad behavior while you are there, drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn, w…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 04:04 AM
1

This is all true. Read some stoicism...you're not the first to have to go thru this BS. The only thing you can control is how you respond. Still hard, and after a while you break. Maybe you get back up.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 02:23 AM
4

Yeah. People telling me to "go build a new life" don't realize they're telling me to go live a life that's not being a father. Go to the gym, nah. Don't care. What else? Take a fucking pottery class? I had a dog, STBX stole him, and I would wake up at night looking for him. I did get another dog and I spend most of my day working then training then going back to work. It's an endless pointless cycle, and I'm old enough to know that the end is coming, and I've seen friends and a girlfriend die, a…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/24 07:59 PM
2

Does understanding matter? The court just goes with her, her lawyer knows how to play, mediators pressure you because you’re not going to get better, and my money is finite. Making sense of her behavior doesn’t change any of that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/24 05:07 AM
1

I’m in Utah, contested divorce with high likelihood of trial. We’ve already disclosed our accounts because dumbass me believed that in court there are rules and u follow them…shes high earner and played better game, lied about value of 401k but lawyer says it doesn’t matter until final disclosure before trial. I walked into marriage 18 years ago with substantial 401k, hardly contributed over 15 years as SAHD…almost all was into a separate sep and I didn’t have income to contribute. She had 401k …
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/24 03:20 PM
1

I’m in Utah, contested divorce with high likelihood of trial. We’ve already disclosed our accounts…she lied about value but lawyer says it doesn’t matter until final disclosure before trial. I walked into marriage 18 years ago with substantial 401k, hardly contributed over 15 years as SAHD…almost all was into a separate sep and I didn’t have income to contribute. She had 401k and pension 2 years before marriage, then continued contributions thru marriage, so it works out to 5/7ths of the time we…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/24 03:19 PM
2

Yeah, screwed because I put my career in hold. She makes 3x mine and will be an executive. I took an entry level job making what I made 15 years ago. I pay child support. I don’t expect any consideration from the judge for those years of being a stand up SAHD and making less while she advances her career.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/24 03:12 PM
1

I should add, keep track of every job application, whether u got an interview, how it turned out. Her lawyer will argue u haven’t been trying to get a job, that u are lazy and sit around gaming or looking at porn all day, and if u get a job you are underemployed by choice. If u have any savings, you can use joint assets for your legal fees. Do not move out. Document anything she does that shows she is not fit to be a parent. Even then it’s an uphill battle because men can’t be parents and babies…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/24 04:17 AM
1

She said she would never put me on CS and we're planning for 50/50 custody. Assuming you mean "Noooo, I will never ask you for child support" vs "I will never pay you child support." Anyway, could be a high-earner trick. "I'm doing you a favor and won't ask for child support if you don't ask for alimony" for the high-earner, or "I'm doing you a favor. You pay alimony and I won't ask for child support" when she's the low earner. After the divorce the low-earner may be able to go back and ask for …
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 09:37 PM
2

LOL, my lower court judge was a women's rights or domestic violence something or other. She fucking knows but silver bullet was her bread and butter. She didn't grant the TRO because it was that lunatic, but I think she made up her mind about me then. Or maybe I'm crazy. I don't really know anymore. Maybe the trial judge will see it for what it is. Don't know.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 04:53 PM
2

Yeah, not for this group I'd have walked into the trap with a friendly witness, and might have been taken away in cuffs, right? Never, never any history of violence, society's good husband and good father, and all it takes is "I swear to god I thought he was going to kill her!!!" Month befor her family was telling me what a good father I was, and they all wrote horrible declarations against me when she filed her TRO. It has made me crazy. My therapist just shakes his head and says "no surprise y…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 04:34 PM
5

Same situation. I would be as aggressive as possible. A vindictive lawyer or ex will play the system and u will get fucked. Same situation, I played the nice guy, she played silver bullet divorce. I lost house, don’t see my kids (teens, so they chose to stay in house with rich mom), had the judge tell me to spend savings instead of legal fees and alimony, and I pay child support. You are entitled to nothing. As a working SAHD that homeschooled his kids I’ve been portrayed as a mentally ill deadb…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 01:59 PM
1

I had the dog, he always traveled with me and it wasn't planned but I filed when I was on the road. I tried to be rationale and fair and agreed to send the dog over to be with the kids. So having a code that I live by, I did what I said I would do, once, and when I came to pick him up she sent the kids out crying asking why I was taking the dog away from them instead of doing what we agreed on beforehand. Next time I have to travel I realize she's going to just refuse to give him back or make me…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 02:48 AM
2

Therapy. Once family court takes her side you come to believe you're crazy and everything they say is true. When I talk about my case, even the guys here ask "something's missing, what aren't you telling us? what did you do to make her so angry?" Also, read up on silver bullet divorce. It is a strategy because it works.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 02:32 AM
1

Any advice for the low earner? Ex has taken all already: alienated kids so I don’t see them, accepted 60/40 because GAL threatened to argue for state minimum if I contested it, pay child support so u know she will modify to get more custody and child support. Doesn’t matter, my kids don’t want to see me, for no good reason except what mom is telling them. I got no temporary alimony or CS. Judge split out savings and told me I could spend my half on court costs and living expenses. She’ll argue I…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 01:45 PM
2

No, you're a victim of the matriarchy and family court system, and to them men deposit sperm and pay the bills or child support, that's all we have to offer. I was, you probably were, everything society told you a man was, but your STBX just wanted more and wasn't happy. Now you're divorced. I had my kid at 39. If that's what you want, men can do it. If that's what you want. Look at it like a contract tho where you get a child and she has no incentive to use you as a sperm donor and financier. I…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 06:36 PM
2

CS and alimony will be based on ur current income. U working ur ass off isn’t “what a good man doing what he has to” it’s the basis for what u pay. So if u show the court u can work 80 hrs a week during the divorce, that’ll be the basis for ur income going forward and all uve shown is that you normally work 80 hrs a week. It makes no sense…I have a 14 year old car, can’t budget maintenance because in judges mind “you fix the alternator and it’s fixed, you don’t have that as a future expense, and…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/24 03:08 PM
2

Custody is the only matter. You can file, but nothing has to happen until she is served. She won't know unless she looks it up or talks to a lawyer. Discernment counseling is supposed to help you make the decision to go thru with a divorce, and in theory, to have a controlled dissolution. You can try it. You can find divorce mediators. Takes 2 to go thru this process. Talk to lawyer about financials. Take screenshots of all your account balances and make sure you are the primary account holder. …
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/24 08:36 AM
11

She's waiting until it's convenient for her to divorce you. Move your ass back in, do some discernment marriage counseling (it's supposed to be for you to decide whether you want to stay married). If it works, great. There's a chance you get a decent therapist who helps you 2 understand blah blah blah and you come to an agreement to make your marriage work. If it doesn't, serve her and you don't get kicked out of the house. If she loses control of her anger again, you file a DV charge--and DV is…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/24 09:50 PM
1

I hope you're right, because her lawyer did a great job of making my first impression for me, and that judge just ate it up. Male judge for the trial. Not sure about "evidence" because so far hearsay has counted more than anything else. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 04:34 PM
2

Holy shit! Grey rock, record, lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 03:06 PM
1

My worry is that her friends are telling her “pretend it’s all okay, then when u have a fight and he yells at you call the cops. I saw it all! Your lawyer knows what to do and she’ll help. You got the house and the kids momma!” Once you have all lined up and you’re safe you can explain how we can do this easy way or the hard way, and suggest a mediated divorce. You can file without serving. If she puts hands on u tho, throws something, says she wishes you were dead, that’s DV. Discuss this conce…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 03:01 PM
2

This is true, STBX can decide to drag this out as long as possible if she wants and there’s nothing you can do but pay your lawyer. Started January 2023, got locked out of house, ex denied custody order for my teens (“they don’t want to come”), and banks 2x what I do. Court divided our savings and told me I could pay child support and legal fees from that, so she has no incentive to move along. In outside mediation she lied about her assets and when I called her out she walked away. Now almost 1…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 03:28 PM
2

Does it matter? Once my ex realized I wouldn't stand up to her she pushed boundaries and gas lit the fuck out of me. When I did stand up to her she went to a divorce attorney and found out that I'd filed, because, you know, you just go see a divorce attorney for a chit chat, blamed me for wanting a divorce, filed a false restraining order, and has gone scortched earth to the tune of my kids are getting student loans for college now. It is still my fault in the view of everybody in the family cou…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 02:01 AM
2

Yeah. I wish I'd stayed just so I wouldn't be cut out of my daughter's life. The alienation started before the divorce. I know the story that my ex and her family will tell: your father is selfish and self-centered, he put his needs above being a father, he's mentally ill because he made his family the sole source of his happiness (she has said this in her motion to modify parent time), he wanted the divorce and he left, he abandoned you. No matter what I did then or now, I was nothing but free …
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 08:49 PM
2

You have your whole life. Divorce young is hopeful that you can have a better future. No wife, no kids, no mortgage. Maybe some savings. You learned your lesson, hopefully found out something about yourself and women. Go do what you always wanted to do. If I could go back 20 years after first divorce, knowing what I know now, I'd take my savings, truck, dog, and backpack and travel the world. Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 04:41 PM
3

If you can make a case that the child is in danger. It doesn't matter if the child or you is in danger, just if you can convince the judge, even in the absence of evidence. There is no presumption of innocence. That is the standard, and STBX's will make a case when no danger exists to gain a tactical advantage and start off your divorce by taking the house and kids and shaming you in front of the judge. He said/she said and my friend saw him do it is good enough, and lies are unprovable, so so w…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 04:22 PM
1

So if my ex lives in our house paying half what I spend on rent and makes $150k more than I do, but gets a “loan” from her mom for her legal fees, is that an in kind contribution? I’m paying child support, alimony hasn’t been awarded, and my savings will be gone by trial.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 01:30 PM
2

Working 7 on/7 off and hunting 2-3 weeks a year delayed my divorce by a few years. Walking the desert in peace helped me clear my mind, and she even admitted "it's hard when you're not around." Not that she missed me, no delusion there, more like "I have to take care of the house and kids and it's nice having a simp bitch." I don't think you fucked it up by making space. I ended up taking that 7/7 hitch because she wasn't ever around. Of course she was pissed. Can't win, why try. Now you can hun…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 01:50 AM
10

Yeah. Welcome to Divorce_Men. When I started this somebody told me "You will be the bad man." I said "But..!" and they cut me off: "You will be the bad man." At least get a paternity test, and do w/e you have to to get a lawyer. Sy least go do free or paid consults. What she's doing isn't right, the court doesn't care, and I don't know what to tell you.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 09:59 PM
2

Audio or video
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 01:45 PM
3

Every single thing you said is what I’m going thru too. I’m going to guess my lawyer will file a limp wristed motion to compel and the judge will still find something to yell at me for. Stop trying to make sense of it. I’m not going scorched earth, I’m putting out her wildfire with a watering can.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 06:40 PM
0

Record every interaction. Anything she does, threats, raising her hand, screaming at you, anything, that’s DV. You were scared for ur life. Either way you’ll at least get partial custody. Start looking for an in state job or talk to your boss now. Take screenshots of all ur accounts and make sure u are primary. Be as present with ur kids as possible. Do not move out of the house. Take pictures of everything in the house. Don’t give her anything until u are ordered to do so. My ex’s toxic friend …
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 05:48 PM
1

Silver bullet divorce. Make the accusation, the court will assume you're a danger to your wife and kid. You might prevail defending it later, but you are now already on the path to being the bad man. Record every interaction, have a friendly witness. Don't be alone with her or her friends/witnesses. Know that the bar for being accused of DV is very very low, and doesn't necessarily involve actual contact or a threat. And by god if she says "I want you dead" take that gift, because you would be i…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 05:56 AM
3

Look up Beyond the High Road by Baker. You should be able to find a free copy online, or PM me. She addresses alienation and how to counter it. Harder when the court says your kids are old enuf to choose which parent to live with but they’re too young that the judge will eat your ass if you talk about anything remotely related to the divorce. Adult son, you should be able to have a sit down.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 06:48 PM
1

Men make vows and are honor bound. I feel like a fool too, for staying, trying so hard, giving until she’d taken all I had. Even after she told me that our marriage and family were negotiable I put more on the table. Society portrays us as the ones who aren’t committed, wives prey on that. She was always looking for a better deal and knew I’d stay. I only hope my kids see that one day, that a decent man stands by his word and that’s not a token to be traded.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 03:02 PM
6

My ex went to the dogsitters. Friends. She told them I said it was okay for her to take my dog. When I got back she sent a demand letter that stopped short of "If you don't agree to this you'll never see the dog again." The family therapists: one won't acknowledge that my ex did anything wrong. The others: you've already given up so much, just let this go too. Nobody cares.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 06:59 AM
7

Before our divorce my wife we were trying to sort through our problems and my wife told me "everything is negotiable." If I'd known that was how a womans' mind works I'd never have married. At that moment I decided that I would stay to raise our daughter and then leave, just to be part of my daughter's life. I'd thought of it before but I was sure then. The promise I made to my family was more important though and I came back, even knowing, and made plans to resurrect our marriage and family. I …
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 06:36 PM
1

So funny thing: I did ask for legal fees and the judge at temporary orders split up our joint savings and said "There, now money isn't a problem." That was supposed to get me living expenses and legal fees, and that's about dry now. A good half of my take home will go toward paying for trial. I'm not optimistic about alimony and legal fees, and it sure feels like everybody is looking at me like a deadbeat with his hands out.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:21 AM
2

I did. It's a long story but I was on an extended trip and filed when she went crazy. By the time I got back the papers were in and locks were changed. Lawyer has just now gotten me access to do home inspection.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:18 AM
0

Thanks. Her and the GAL already bullied me into giving up 50-50 custody. I ended up with 60-40, but the next thing she'll do is file for 70-30 'cause the kids don't want to stay with their father/he's not exercising his parent time. From what I've seen, the judge doesn't care about father time, only that child support goes with the kids. As it stands, if I see the kids it's because they ask to see me. The house thing also got complicated but that's another long story. Lawyer says I have to spend…
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:17 AM
3

Sorry man. Wish I could tell you something helpful, but we're all in the same boat. Did you file? The longer you're out of the house and away from the kids, the harder it's going to get for you.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 04:59 AM
1

Uh, family court? The premise of family court is to rack up bills to force one party into an unfavorable settlement. What's abusing the system to dad is valid legal strategy for momma. Please, if I'm wrong somebody tell me 'cause I'm in the same spot.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 01:40 AM
1

...and the longer you are out, the less argument you have to get back in. Status quo. You better not be paying her bills and mortgage, right?
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 07:00 PM
2

Same issues for me, and there's a lot of good advice about other meds you might be on and the psyche issues. SSRIs can shut down your libido and erectile function 100%. Sex as you get older isn't just about the warm wet place, it gets more mental and emotional. As you get older, you have to train yourself. Think about it: you watch porn but you have a specific type that gets you off. Same. You were with the same woman, and even if you hated the sight of her, you knew what to do and how to do it …
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 06:58 PM
1

It's not a dbag move to increase the financial stress. It's how one party gets the upper hand to force the other party (that's you) into a desparate settlement. SHe also, it sounds like, might have engaged in some bad behavior to get at joint assets. She wants you to settle so that doesn't get brought up (altho whether a judge would care is another issue). Lawyer is one route. Maybe you can force liquidation of assets to pay legal fees. Find the money. Give plasma, get credit cards, beg family f…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 06:49 PM
1

*IF* you get your kids half time. I'm having to fight for any time. For no reason whatsoever. No drugs, violence, abuse, and I'm lucky there were no allegations that the court took her side on. SAHD that raised those kids, and now not seeing them has been the single most brutal part of this process. Just remember, if you and your STBX do this right and work together through divorce, yeah, great. If one of you decides to fight every step of the way, 50-50 custody is not assured in the short term,…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 07:55 PM
2

It is literally a NEW beginning... You get to make it whatever you choose. I disagree. You do not get to make it what you want. You have to make do with the options that are presented to you by your ex, your children, the money you have, and the whims of a judge. UNLESS, you are willing to walk away from everything and start with nothing, you are not free to make this whatever you choose. The most difficult thing about divorce for me has been not being able to make plans for the future.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 04:53 PM
2

No kids? Sooner the better. A happier life awaits you. Kids? Ugh.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/23 08:13 PM
2

If you feel worthless, your ex is doing her job, cause you are a good dad and you'll keep trying to do better. In the work place, there are bosses who empower and encourage their employees, and there are bosses who denigrate them--both are using strategies to get the most from them, just one type is a miserable toxic asshole who doesn't respect you and sees you only as a resource to be consumed for her own benefit, and will ultimately discard you when you are exhausted. If at all possible look a…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/23 04:39 PM
0

This. Do not blame yourself. Your wife will handle doling out the blame, whether you stay married or get divorced, do everything she asks or nothing she asks. And always remember: Kid >> any woman.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/23 04:08 PM
1

I've gotten different answers. I think the correct one is w/e fucks the male the most happens.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/23 01:34 AM
2

TY. How is the IRA better than 401k? Is it because your employer matches, so maybe you put in $20k and wind up with $25k, so your ex gets $12.5k? Most matches vest on a schedule, so wouldn't that have protected the employer match? (100% vesting at 6 years, or 20%/40%/60% every 2 years) How does the IRA differ...doesn't she still end up with half? I'm going through the same thing now, my lawyer advised me not to contribute to the 401k, but the way the court has ruled so far, I don't believe that …
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/23 07:22 PM
2

Before you leave, take pictures of everything in the home you can't take with you.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/23 02:35 AM
9

Do not leave the house. Record everything.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/23 02:33 AM
1

HSV1 or HSV2? Many people have HSV1 (oral). It's less common to transmit HSV1 through sex...it prefers oral mucosa. If you have HSV1 oral already you aren't protected from HSV1 genital or HSV2. Right place, right time it can infect genitals. I gave HSV1 to my ex (blah blah blah, she knew, we both had HSV1 oral, had been together for almost 12 years, it was just something about her at that time plus oral sex at that time and she had an outbreak). The first few were bad but they subsided within 2 …
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/23 10:13 PM
9

Lawyer. Don't leave the house. Record everything to defend against fake DV claim. Yes she will do it, and the court will take her side because you are an awful, awful, terrible, violent man. Screenshot your bank accounts, make sure you are primary account holder, make sure you have a credit card she can't use or cancel. Start calling therapists. Quit fucking her unless you want to be paying more child support. You can talk to a mediation lawyer on the side, or a discernment counselor to deescala…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/23 05:48 PM
1

I am afraid of the judge. She has slapped me down and taken my ex's word at every opportunity. It's like the system is telling me to give up.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/23 03:36 PM
1

My company has a very generous matching program (but the vesting sucks). THanks for the clarification.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 06:53 PM
1

TY. That's what I thought too...pump in my max plus catchup contribution to drup my income. I'll have to check with lawyer again.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 05:17 PM
1

This all makes sense. In family court, it is a mix of past, present, and future, and AFAIK I always submit the wrong one and the judge manipulates it depending on her mood that day.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 05:17 PM
5

I started a journal for my daughter. Years before the divorce, one x-mas, my future ex asked me if I wanted to go through the memory jar that she had been keeping with my daughter for that year. The first I heard of it. That day I started a journal for my daughter. I've kept it up for 10 years now and that memory jar was a fleeting distraction for her. Now we're divorcing. I have every memory written in that journal from when my kid was a baby. I've told my brother and my best friend about it, t…
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 07:08 AM
1

hmmm. thx.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 03:23 AM
2

Do you know if this varies by state? Lawyer seems to think I'm getting half of the assets at final distribution, not assets at separation. If it's the latter, then not contributing for the 1-2 years that this drags on is going to hurt me.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 02:47 AM
1

I am in a separate bank account. I'm old enough to worry about making sure I keep up my retirement savings, and was going to max my 401k to reduce my taxes and post-tax income. I'll confirm with lawyer...there doesn't seem to be a clear answer as to whether I'll get half her 401k from this year or not.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 02:46 AM
2

I'm the low earner by >2x. I'll probably end up with state minimum custody. Does that change your logic?
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 02:44 AM
4

Good luck. Don't be afraid of your STBX. Stand tall. Please let me know how it turns out and what state you are from.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 07:52 PM
1

I talked to my therapist today. He's also a custody evaluator. He said I'm in the 3% of divorces that go high conflict and are ruinous.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 07:06 PM
3

Maybe they find you in the graveyard.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 06:49 PM
3

Next I assume she will get >50% of our assets
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/23 04:22 AM
1

Thanks man. My kids are teens. If it all goes to hell, I had formative years with them. I won't see them through to adulthood. That's on my narcisist ex. I'll have all those years of picking them up from school, pushing them on the swing, taking them everywhere. I just have to decide how hard to fight now. Male mediator in October. My experience with the female GAL and the female family counselor--they've already decided I'm a mooch and I bring nothing to the table as a father. I think the judge…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/23 03:06 AM
6

Utah. I took care of, and want to continue taking care of, my kids because they are mine, my comittment, and I love them.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/23 12:01 AM
6

$30k in and I still have to decide whether to fight for time with my teenage kids. Ex is wealthy, wants to destroy me--financially and as a father. Her big laugh will be that "he spent $60k, will never see his kids unless I let him, I kept the money I hid, he gets no alimony, and pays ME child support." She, her divorced friends, the judge, and the whole family court system is laughing at me.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 07:58 PM
3

Yes. Lawyer, toxic friend, stupid divorced hen. You think she's crazy now...
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 07:51 PM
2

discernment counseling or mediation attorney
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 03:52 AM
1

Things are gonna change I can feel it... thx for ur input
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 05:32 PM
1

I'm going to think about this. I want to meet with some counselors first to get insight into kids' thoughts and what their reaction would be to different scenarios. There's a divide between fight like hell, stay and be available, and go live your best life. No good answers. Last time I was with my daughter she said we never had a good relationship. Well, where was mom? Of course I was the one doing homework with you, and that sucked. All mom ever did was the fun shit. Fucking punished for being …
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 04:15 PM
1

I'm the low earner. She's offered nothing in support and is trying to grab 100% custody because the kids don't want to go to dad's. I thought at least the last part would have traction in the court but it doesn't. It feels like I'll probably lose everything that matters, and going to court only means I'll spend more...and maybe the judge looks at me as greedy for alimony and punishes me for that. I also made lots of what I thought were fair offers early, but she is hell bent on zero alimony and …
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 04:12 PM
1

Worse for me. I'm the low earner, SAHD. The "why should I, the provider, suffer because he's a deadbeat" mentality is a given. I need to decide how hard to fight it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 04:08 PM
1

Temporary aliminy was a joke. I had a binder of documents for income and spending. Judge first slashed her income, then boosted mine, then halfed my expenses. So no alimony needed, and I can spend my savings on legal fees. I could prove every number on my expenses, but ex just had to say something and she was taken at her word. I couldn't believe it. Lawyer tried, judge wasn't having it. I tried, spoke up for myself and judge went after me. This is why I don't believe half assets will end up goi…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 03:00 AM
1

Yes, they are. I was SAHD for years. They've turned on me and don't want to come over. No explanation, and the one time I tried to talk to the youngest it got back to ex's lawyer and I got a slap down for that. I'm afraid to say anything, which sucks because I've always talked openly with them and tried to listen. It's either blame directed at me b/c they are with mom, maybe feeling like they're sick of me from spending so much time with me (I was not the fun parent), or mom is in their ears. I …
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 02:05 AM
1

10 months in and we just had our second temporary orders hearing. Custody hearing in 6 months. She's already going after the few possessions I have: sell my second car so I can pay my legal fees. I told her for the good of the kids I wouldn't ask to sell the house. I'm afraid I'll get less than half of what we have left if this goes to trial. I know equal distribution is standard, but nothing I expected has happened.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 02:02 AM
2

Thanks
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 12:44 AM
2

Heavy cost for getting out from under her thumb. I always figured I'd just go hike out into the woods one day after the kids moved out and not come back. Kids are teens. If they'd actually just come over we'd have a great time, but ex is telling they can stay with her and don't have to come to me, so I come off as being weird and dependent.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 12:22 AM
3

Me: I'm being denied parent time because mom has a better house, better car, better everything, and I have nothing. They come over and have nothing. She is asking them if they want to go to dad's or stay with her, not bringing them as ordered. Judge: "blink blink" well, child support is for the parent taking care of the kids and if they aren't spending time at dads maybe no CS is needed.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 12:09 AM
2

Yeah. How old are your kids? My teens hate me. It's almost easier to go without seeing them.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 12:05 AM
4

At one point I thought the same. Did some more research. He has a reputation for clamping down and taking things to trial for his clients. If I hadn't cut him off I think he would have told me my other option was to settle now or in mediation--give up the kids, give up the hidden assets, and get on with my life. The bias is pretty smack me in the face obvious. My ex underreported her income by almost $100,000, twice what I make, no questions asked. The judge cut my lawyer off when he contested h…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 12:03 AM
3

She picked me because I was a stand up honest guy. In the marriage I would sit with her every year and go over our finances, and of course on every financial disclosure I reported everything, and didn't know she was lying until reviewing her filings later. Now I've got a paper trail for her to point to if I try anything. Seriously, the judge takes her word, and has beat me down over $150.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 11:54 PM
5

She's a self-important narcissist that beat me down and expected me to follow her around like a dog on a leash. When I finally stood up to her she started talking separation. I filed for divorce thinking it would be as simple as "best for the kid" and "divide by two." No DV (from me anyway), no infidelity, drugs, gambling, compulsive spending. If you ask her though I'm overcontrolling, angry, tried to abduct our kids...the list goes on. It got nasty on day 1 when she emptied the bank accounts an…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 11:52 PM
0

Not what I wanted to hear, but something I have to face.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 11:12 PM
1

Judge had 45 minutes to pick over everything on my financial docs. Spent zero time on hers (not that she filed what the court required) but took her word for it. It is a fact. I need to decide how much more to fight this.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 03:28 PM
1

I made the mistake of following the court order and answering judge's questions honestly. Judge went over ever single expense of mine, questioned them down to the dollar, didn't look at my statements to prove my expenses, took ex's word (she defied court order and didn't submit financial statements), and halved all my expenses. Then went back and reduced my ex's income, increased mine, ruled that I should get fucked. She smiled when she did it at least. My ex is no doubt still beaming over the d…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 03:27 PM
2

How old are your kids?
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 03:21 PM
8

Yes. Move. Kids? Kids that your ex has withheld from you and now hate you because you're the bad man? I'm sorting that out.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 03:21 PM
1

Yesterday I watched a man defending a restraining order. He was living in a tent while he finished his house. Not a pup tent in the woods, a large canvas tent with AC and heat, living what looked to be a healthy life. Ex's RO alleged there was a fire on the stove. Judge agreed that "gee, that seems like a fire hazard." "But your honor look, there's no fire damage, no soot, nothing. We have a fire extinguisher and the kids are safe." "Well, best to extend the RO and keep the kids away until a GAL…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/23 04:03 PM
8

But, the court does not smile on dads. Even good ones. And once you ex gets mad, she will try to take everything that matters to you at all cost. If you can, if it's not too late, get into divorce/discernment counseling and try to take the marriage apart together.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/23 03:56 PM
6

Walk around in your underwear and read stoicism. A Man's Journey Through Divorce podcast helped me. No kids...great, build your life and you'll be better off in a few months when you realize trash cheats on a good man. Kids...write letters to them about your good memories of being their dad. Become the man you want your kids to see you be, not the man that suffered a cheater. Either way, start walking/running or plan to get to the gym tomorrow. This sucks. It's hard to belive things will get bet…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/23 04:38 AM
1

I was lucky to be a SAHD until kid was 12. I'd never have given that up. She hit 14 and between teens and divorce she is almost gone. There's more going on than just her age (ex knows that losing kid is what will hurt me most), but those early years are really important. I hear you tho. I'm staying in a place I hate to be close on the chance that she wants to reconnect and get competing advice: stay and be available vs live your best life, the one that makes you happy. Let me know what you decid…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 02:26 PM
5

This. Swipe left if they are self-described crazy, list "shopping" as a fav activity, want a man that "blah blah blah", or have a cat, or love their job (at least for me...but maybe that means they won't be hanging around much. That's okay). Screen out the drunks and damaged goods. Might have to choose between face and body. Get your life and interests set down, and express a high degree of disinterest. Not cool with me playing video games all day Saturday...oh well, it's what I do. I was bummed…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 02:21 PM
1

Get a journal and start writing every memory you have of your SAHD days with your daughter. Just write, let her know how special she is and how dedicated you were to being there for her. Write advice, write ahppy times, write anything. When you run out of things to write, write your life story. You don't have to be a poet. Tell a friend about it so you make sure those journals get to her if you knock off unexpectedly. When she graduates from college give them to her. IDK about you, but my STBX i…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/23 11:37 PM
1

Yeah, she didn't list the asset, and apparently didn't provide the income/spending analysis that the judge asked for at the last hearing. Hope I can turn this from OC picking on my details to her ignoring the court's request.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 05:01 PM
1

Yes. I've been on the receiving end of giving money to her attorneys. Now I'm asking that if he sees a chance to cost her $2, even if it costs me $1, then we do that. I've also learned that last/loudest word >> truth, rules, evidence, process, procedure....
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 04:59 PM
2

Filed beginning of the year, this was purchased in the last few months, and I think it's a lease since she doesn't list it as an asset. So her debt still, right? The whole when community assets separate is confusing. She has her own bank account and I have mine now too where our salary goes. Seriously have zero respect for judges. This whole process has been from a playbook and the judge sits there like she's never seen any of it before. Fucking joke.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 04:59 AM
6

On your financials, sort out who is primary account holder vs authorized user. You want to be primary on everything.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 02:50 AM
1

Discernment marriage counseling might be a place where the two of you can talk through whether you both want a divorce. We tried it, but she was already talking to lawyers, and so was I. There's also collaborative divorce lawyers that will work with you both, rather than you each having your adversarial counsel.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/23 06:21 PM
2

Everything everybody said. Get a lawyer. But I want you to think about a few things: Are you prepared to go from SAHD to seeing your kid 1/2 time? What about every other weekend? Happened to me. I got locked out of the house and cannot do anything about it (not for DV or abuse either, there was no reason except she timed it well). Now my ex, making money, buying things, maybe whispering in my kids' ear about how evil I am, kids don't want to have anything to do with me. SAHD >>> that guy. I shou…
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/23 02:14 PM
2

Same. And my daughter wants to live with my ex in the house and not with me. And I'm throwing down 1.5x her mortgage for rent in a smaller place futher out of the city, and I consider myself lucky. Nobody. Gives. A. Fuck. I think she's dragging out the divorce until mortgage rates come back down. I wish I could force her to sell, just to give back a little pain, because so far it's been all on me.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/23 01:11 PM
1

First divorce I stayed (but it was a rental). I didn't know it at the time, but if I'd left she wouldn't have let me back in. I didn't know it, but I was also putting myself at risk for a false DV charge. Second divorce I was away, and she has not let me back in to get any of my stuff, and the court does not care. Sometime in the distant future I'll get back in to retrieve whatever she will let me have back. I'm thankful though because this one would have 100% made up a DV charge. I have no doub…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 11:10 PM
6

No. And this is from a dad who if I was a woman would have kept the house, got alimony and child support, had legal fees paid for, and gotten at least 50-50.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 10:53 PM
10

> She already has a lawyer Yes. Get a lawyer. Or you can ask her now, today, to fire hers and get a divorce mediator. If she doesn't she hasn't > agreed that there's no need to be at each other's throats, be hateful, or even mad at one another. Move out and you may not get back in.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 04:00 AM
1

Say anything, answer to nothing in family court.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 03:48 PM
1

Yes. I expect she'll learn to play us off one another if her mom and I aren't working together.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/23 08:56 PM
1

Youngest is 14, which is when the court will consider their preference. I was SAHD, raised that kid, homeschooled her. She is saying what her mom is saying: "I've spent so much time with dad that I want to be with mom now." If I don't fight it though I might have well just gone to the store for smokes and never come back.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/23 04:36 AM
1

Yeah. I have to fight it. STBX is so fucking stupid.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/23 04:34 AM
1

Thanks
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/23 04:34 AM
1

So the judge is likely to say "If the mom says it and I think the kids want it, then that's good enough that I and the father don't need to see the notes because the context or reasons don't matter." That's kind of what I think anyway, so my better play might be to do what the ex is doing: cherry pick things out of context to make my argument, bury the judge in declarations and responses, and throw the dice. This was important to me. The kids needed some support, so the first thing I asked every…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 02:13 PM
1

Thanks. I think your last paragraph says it all, except that I don't think the judge wants to hear facts, they just want to make decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 02:09 PM
3

This is true. Lied on restraining order, I still paid for hearing and GAL. Lied at temporary motions about her income, judge yelled at me for not having my current year 1099 (but otherwise a 10-year earning history). Now lied about motion to modify custody. I'm going to have to pay to fight it, probably lose anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 07:18 AM
2

If I had friends I probably wouldn't be on Tinder. Don't mix up with work friends. Don't ask, I know. Tinder has plenty of flight attendants and traveling nurses. IDK. It's mostly sad and depressing, but it could also be fuck roulette. That crowd of women is definitely on there.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 07:10 AM
1

I've got this weird thing about having to have a mental connection. ONS never worked out for me, even with physical and some emotional desire.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 07:03 AM
3

Well there you go. The sting of loss < the sting of never had/never known. My present mentality anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 08:59 PM
2

Takes years, and then there's still the person you never knew who rolls in when you file for divorce. No expectations. Or, expectation to fail, but maybe to just have some fun for while.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 08:57 PM
3

53
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 08:53 PM
1

When she moved back in with her mother she changed 100%. I think it's classic parental alienation: she's rejected everything we used to do together. That's been the hardest thing for me to deal with is not knowing how to connect with her now. I'll keep trying...
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/23 04:31 PM
1

I'm just about a year in. My 14yo daughter has kinda just blown me off. Ex kept the house and I was struggling for a bit with money and housing. I'm trying to figure out how to get back to a normal relationship with my girl...we spent a lot of time together, but my ex has been vindictive and I think it's caused the rift. Hope I'm where you are in another few months.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/23 10:11 PM
1

How old's your kid?
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/23 07:53 PM
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