It's been 2 years since I was last in the house. I didn't leave. I was locked out and she wouldn't let me back in except on her terms. Between travel and the efficiency of the court, I didn't even get an order allowing me a home inspection until over 1.5 years later. I'll be back in a month and I should do this and get it over with or just let it go. My ex has always held the "I'm scared of you" card out there, despite no criminal record, no history, not a violent bone in me, no drugs, no gambling, no infidelity, and not even a spanking for the kids. It's the advice she got and she's played it well. My lawyer tells me I need to get back in there and why am I waiting, and gives me some vague advice about getting an off-duty cop or something as a neutral observer for my protection. In other words, keep paying because I have to prove that I'm not an awful man. It all seems pretty overwhelming, and while there are things there that I miss and that I would want back, I've heard so many times "you've given up so much already, just let it go..." (the dog, the house, 50-50 custody, money) that w/e stuff is there, maybe it all falls in that category. That, and I don't have anywhere to put anything I bring back anyway, if she even allows it.

I could try to go while she's on vacation with my kids, if this is even legal. I'm going to guess my lawyer will tell me not to get a locksmith and go while she isn't there. I don't want my kids there when I come in to do the inspection, but I'm going to guess she'll have them there so they can see how mean I am, bringing a cop and a camera and going through everything.

Any advice? For having as little as we have, she's gotten all that matters and it's not enough--this is as contentious a divorce as you can imagine. I'm sure if I don't do it I'll be fucked later in court, but feeling like that's a given anyway.