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OctinoxateAndZinc Archive

View 1 posts and 1,147 comments by OctinoxateAndZinc on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

She kinda blew up at me last night when she learned I'm going on my first date since we separated tomorrow. She doesn't want you, but also doesn't want anyone else to have you. She wants you on a shelf. My advice here is give her NO information on your personal life, AT ALL. If you're busy due to a date or something relationship wise, do NOT give the reasons. Is it dumb you have to do that? yes. But she's already demonstrated she will cause issues if you indicate you're dating. Your ex WILL weap…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 07:46 PM
5

That night she went out with her divorced best friend at 7pm for a drink and to talk about her friends HR case (my wife works in Hr). She didn't get in till 1.10am. They were talking about divorce, my man. She goes away with work this week for a few days and I'm going to phone a solicitor and then have a conversation with her when she's back. Anyone got any advice? Or similar experience? Do not have any conversation with her when she returns. 100% work with your lawyer 1. get educated about this…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 04:33 PM
1

Sorry you're dealing with this - its not fair or right. End of the day it comes down to what the law says which isnt always in line with what we think it should be.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/26 07:00 PM
2

She stays with the 2 kids but i can visit whenever i want. GET A CUSTODY ORDER NOW. Whenever you want will turn into "these days/times only" and you WILL get hit with Child Support filing, and if she has 100%, its gonna be big. Even if its only on paper you need something showing 50/50 asap or it will bite you in the ass.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/26 03:34 PM
3

She is claiming our family dog is her emotional support dog I'm gonna come off really cold here but be prepared to let the dog go. The cost to litigate to keep the dog is gonna be way way more than just letting her have it (dont give it up for nothing, what im saying is fake that you'll fight but ask for some concession, letting her have a 'win'). Again, cold but you can get another dog (and also you dont need the expense and responsibility right now) Advice: Move any communication with her to E…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/26 03:31 PM
2

Anyone can divorce anyone for any reason. No one needs to justify anything, either. You can simply file, have them served, and move on. That said, you would destroy them if they don't see it coming and they will demand an answer (which, again, you're not required to give). And even if you do they will start to question whatever you present to them. You're on a divorce forum, so you'll find what you're looking for (justification). Talk to a lawyer. Get educated on the process and what the outcome…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/26 02:56 PM
6

Call and see how they are doing. Get them out of the house for a dinner or night out. Be ready for them to spill their guts. Be ready for it to last at least though all the firsts (first birthday after, first christmas, first fight about the div w/his ex, etc). ALL THIS SAID: encourage them to talk to a professional therapist as well - after 8-12mo of hearing about this from him, if he's still on about it, you WILL get sick of it. I dumped way to much on friends at the start, god love them, and …
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 05:47 PM
6

If you read nothing else I write read this: Understand that your wife does not have the control, power, and resources you may have convinced yourself she does. You can do this but CURRENT you needs to buckle down so future you inst screwed. He does not want you to roll over and give it all away. The second we're divorced, I'm homeless. If I try to take from her, neither of us would be able to support the kids. I can't even imagine what this new life is supposed to look like or how to get there. …
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 10:13 PM
9

Before you make a relationship decision that has legal implications, get educated on the legal outcomes/oblications/impacts. Talk with a lawyer. Do not let her know (obv) but the sooner you get educated on the legal side and know what to expect, you'll be ready to make a better relationship based decision.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 12:50 AM
6

(-$750/mo) 50/50 custody. My ex wife is a MD. She is absolutely infuriated by the fact she is having to pay and probably added a good 25-30k total, between the both of us, to the divorce cost trying to fight it. It will take me a good three years just to break even.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 08:44 PM
2

and also never bothered trying to get child support from her File for it. At the very least you could be sticking it in a 529 college savings plan. FUTURE you will wish you went after her for it - remember its not for you, its for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 08:44 PM
1

Have any of you in moderate or high-conflict divorce situations done something like this? How did it turn out? Were you able to come to some kind of agreement? Eventually, yes. What pushed me to get a lawyer was the schedule. The big issue we had, which made us go back and forth so many times, is my ex is a MD that works weird hours BUT they wanted 50/50 - this is nearly impossible due to work coverage. I work a typical 9-5 and they have nights and weekends. Our first few months were a nightmare…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 07:42 PM
1

as other said - keep making attempts. Hell, send a certified letter. More written/documented attempts the better. She is doing this as its her last bit of control over you and possibly because she wants to screw you over. Dont let it get to you. If you go past 180 days and she suddenly starts yelling about selling dont be shocked. Again, document and keep trying.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 02:50 PM
3

I can’t take any time off of work bc of money, and divorce proceedings are happening. I only found out well after it was over but i could have taken FMLA due to the divorce. Check with your employer. When does it get better? Does it get better? First three months are strait hell. Six months still sucks but you'll get your head back on strait and not cry all the time. A year and it just becomes a matter of paperwork and wishing it was done already.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 02:48 PM
1

if you're worried about what people think - dont. And years from now NO ONE is going to give a damn about who filed. she kicked me out, Move back if you can. FYI: Custody levels and child support is based on OVERNIGHTS - 50/50 is 183/182 days. Courts like to maintain the status quo. Get back in the house or get as many overnights as you can because if you wait a long time, file, the court/judge may want to keep things as you have them now and that can include giving mom majority or full custody.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 02:46 PM
7

I was already carrying debt from renovating our flat and other expenses. Of course I am left alone with all this debt too. That is marital debt - do not roll over on that. Going back to my home country isn't really an option after spending years and everything I had to build a life here. That is sunk cost. Again, you're thinking short term. Think long term - would you stay where you are forever, until you retire? There is nothing wrong about up-ending things and going home. Listen, this blows as…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/26 05:25 PM
1

My children have complained to me that “I don’t acknowledge she exists.” No kid says that, that is, as im sure you know, words from your ex put in their head. If I head that from my kids I would say "Your mother very much exists but she didnt want to be married to me anymore. When people are married they see and talk to each other all the time. That is something people give up in divorce. I accepted that, and I think you mom has yet to do so." Once your oldest is 18 is there any indication, one …
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 04:28 PM
1

Ugggg sorry you're dealing with that. If she wont stop, is there anything that can placate her? Make her think she has a 'win'?
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 04:25 PM
3

What were the biggest mistakes you made? What level of communication do you have with your ex? I ask because the biggest mistake I made revolved around that. Your ex no longer has direct control over you as you are no longer married (they dont want you anymore but also dont want anyone else to have you) so what they are doing is pushing your buttons (and buddy they know ALL your buttons) to make the puppet dance. I moved all my com's with my ex to email only and I wait AT LEAST 24 hours to reply…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 02:08 PM
3

She scheduled a vacation after the dates for the competition were announced. Essentially, her motion was twofold-block the girls from competing, and also restrict the amount of extracurricular activities that they are permitted to participate in. How do your kids see/react to what she is doing? Kids are smarter than people give them credit for - they have to know mom is putting herself first here (not only on her time which is expected, but also yours)?
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 02:05 PM
12

But they forgot to invite me the party, I found out it was even happening from my Father, and he called them out on leaving me out. Well I saw the guest list decided that I won’t go, they invited my ex wife, her mom, and my ex’s brother. They didnt forget to invite you. They invited her over you. Normally i wouldnt advise this but now, tell them to pick a side.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 06:03 PM
3

Are you on the mortgage or only the deed? My attorney reached out to both her attorney and the executor of the family trust (the person I make the mortgage payments to). The executor’s position appears to be that I need to continue making the mortgage payments regardless of who is collecting the rental income. OF COURSE that person is gonna say "keep paying". Your lawyer needs to get the claws out becuase, end of the day, they have someone paying for a house they dont own. Please tell me you at …
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 09:11 PM
2

Do you at least see your kids? At all?
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 09:08 PM
2

Is there any defence if she doesn’t pay her share of the mortgage? Document WHEN she stopped. The reason being is eventually you will have to sell the home and split the proceeds OR someone buys someone out. The reason you keep track is the month she stops, you then get to do the math for the FULL amount of those months which you keep. So if she stops, fine, when the day comes to equalize the home you get extra for the months you paid yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 11:07 PM
6

Attorney is the first and best thing. They will educate you on the process and outcome. One thing you need to hear: Understand your spouse does not have the amount of power and control you may have convinced yourself that they have. Neither of you really have total control on the outcome here. Which isnt a bad thing. The way you get some control is, as I said, getting educated on divorce. The more you know now the better long term choices you'll make. And it will help you come to terms with thin…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 02:49 PM
3

I have to agree with HotCut - IN HAND. "enforceable via the court order" does not mean she will do it on her own. All that means is you're going BACK to court o get it done, which will cost you MORE money and time. There are tons of stories on this site with people who have divorce decrees and child custody agreements that are violated to hell and back and it can take months to get your ex into court just to have a judge say "tisk tisk, dont do X, Y, Z" and the ex say "ok your honor" and then ke…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 08:48 PM
17

She just recently told me she wants to move 180 miles away I guess I’m just looking for words of wisdom LAWYER or grab your custody agreement and see if there is a milage/distance restriction. DO NOT LET HER MOVE. If you do not have anything in your custody plan on moving you MUST get something filed ASAP (if you have something in writing from her saying shes moving all the better) because if she moves you'll be tied up in courts, in two states, trying to get your kid back. My state wont even le…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 12:25 AM
2

College tip: determine if you (or your ex) have any benefits that may be applied to college costs AND get some stuff in there if your kids get scholarships (from outside sources) they equitably decrease the costs for both. i.e. i have a divorced friend who has a college age kid and the kid got a $1000 though the mothers work and she was making the argument that dads outlay was $1000 more where my buddy said it shouldn't be anymore because she wanted to consider the $1000 as part of her payments …
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 12:21 AM
2

I would hope you can make the case that there are already 529s and you should get the home buy out asap. The case you can make is you want access to the equity now to get something of your own (so money and off the mortgage) but I know you know this. FYI the refi process for her is likely WHY she wants to put this off. She would be looking at coughing up a ton of cash AND losing whatever rate you have. I know your kids are older however IMO you should still fight for 50/50 (even if its only on p…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/26 01:01 PM
3

IL here as well but with WAY less income (both sides). Our pretrial was a recommendation of CS (ex pays me as they are MD making way more) and also I had to pay HER out for the house six months after finalization. Shared costs. Nothing on college outside of we're both on the hook for half BUT only up to the cost of UofI (should the attend elsewhere that cost limit is applied to other school). We did not go to trial and used the recommendations but in your case, yikes. If you're stuck with the ho…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/26 12:37 AM
4

If you actually read what I wrote I said this all about the children. Hey as someone else on the other side here, over a year out from being done-done, listen to chiefsguy. I get it. I really do. You're pissed off. What you're trying to do now, even if you dont realize it, is exercise some control over your soon to be ex. Buddy she is gonna do whatever the hell she wants to do. And even if you manage to get her back in court over this all a judge is gonna do is slap her on the wrist and say "tis…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 05:48 PM
1

Do what you can with the time you have and keep fighting for any time you can get! Do you have a lawyer?
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 09:05 PM
1

Keep chugging away. Know the time you put in now pays off later. This sub and others a littered with stories of people who rolled over/gave up and then when the kid was 18 they didnt even know their child and/or the kid wanted no part of the parents life. It sucks, no doubt about it, but kids are smarter than people realize and the older they get the more they will self advocate for time if you're there asking for it as well.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 07:11 PM
1

You're going to have to advocate for anything to start, even if its supervised, and work up from there. I'm sorry you're dealing with that - you're in a long term battle here and have to make a herculean effort now so it pays off for your kid and future you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 03:20 AM
2

Not at the moment. I did it because I didnt want my kids to have to movie twice AND keep them in their school district (and also I didnt want to move!). Also I knew I would never be able to buy anything like this again. The only reason I did it was due to the assumption (retained my rate). Had I had to refi I couldnt have afforded the new rate coupled with probably tagging more in the mortgage to pay out my ex. Blowing up my retirement was the stupidest thing i could have done BUT i did it for t…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 08:59 PM
2

from someone on the other side - i assumed my mortgage BUT i nuked my retirement to do it. I was on track for pre 60 retirement and now I may not ever. Also if I have one big disaster in the house I would destroy me.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 07:41 PM
4

What is your custody percentage? 50/50 is 183/182 days. If shes doing this chronically, or even a few days here and there, you can ask for a re-calc. And as others said, next time you can say no or you can say "ill do this however would you agree to a pro-ration of this months support as I will be doing extra overnights, meals, transportation, etc?" Send it in an email and have her reply so you have a record. EDIT: Kids are smart and will see mom put others over them first. TIME is the ultimate …
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 06:45 PM
1

If the kids want, they will make a effort to stay in contact with you. Maybe do email first (provided they are older). You did right by them and were a good dude to do so. That cannot be taken away.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 09:12 PM
1

Flip side: totally clean break and you can start over. You're not tied down to anyone or anything. I know someone in a similar situation who actually adopted the kids once they got married and the ex bailed with the kids and now my buddy pays CS for kids that arent his.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 08:21 PM
2

Yup. You can get your half or get it on the cheap!
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 07:33 PM
10

Mediators only care about getting two people to agree. They will not save you from yourself or stop someone from giving it all away. If two people agree that one person gets all the equity in a home, retirements, full custody and the other gets nothing and has to live in a ditch, they wont stop you. I don't know where to begin. Please tell me you have a lawyer. If not you MUST get a lawyer. If you ever expected your wife to be reasonable this 6.8% offer is the MOST reasonable she will be. Ditch …
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 09:42 PM
2

Oh, heck yeah, she's saying her car is worth like $3.5K. The title us and/or so we are planning on giving her $3.5K cash that day since she is always bemoaning being broke. So to buy her out 1/2 is $1750 so you can offer her $2500 and YOU get the car. Or toss a comp at her and say she has to pay you whatever 1/2 that comp is and I bet she doesnt have the money to do it
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 09:37 PM
2

Still consider doing the KBB - it takes all of 10min and is a fair market SALE value (as opposed to purchase). And as an aside - if your ex is saying the car is worth nothing offer $1000 over what your half is to 'buy them out' of their half and now you got another car (that you can turn around and sell). Basically if they low ball you come back with documentation or an offer to take it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 07:02 PM
1

as of now she has "has proof" her paid off vehicles are valued about 20% of their value. My attorney had me run our cars though Kelly Blue book. If you know the VIN numbers and milage (and any damage) you should be good to run a report and submit that. Them just pulling a number our of their ass wont work - courts want documentation.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 03:24 PM
9

"I have to stay late to chart" "I need to go in early there was a call off" "Im going to work an extra day for the hours" "Its a holiday im going in" What it really means: Im going to go bang someone while you think im at work
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 09:12 PM
1

You can probably adjust your withholdings TODAY with your employer
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 09:10 PM
2

You need to do the math on the GROWTH and CONTRUBUTIONS since your date of marriage. Example: Your 401k at marriage: 50000 her 401k at marriage: 5000 Your 401k at seperation: 200000 (150k growth with 50k being premarital and NOT subject to split) her 401k at seperation: 200000 (195k growth with 5k being premarital and not subject to split. What you are equalizing: 195k-150k = 45000 - you would get $22,500 You can go eve MORE into the weeds if you take the starting point at marriage start and rem…
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 09:07 PM
7

Doctor. So nurse adjacent lol. Lots of medical filed spouses in here.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 03:18 PM
2

Lawyers are a dime a dozen. Divorce lawyers doubly so. You can do more consults (prob free) and hire a new lawyer - your NEW lawyer will just reach out to the old one and say they are taking over, ask for all materials, and hopefully what is left of a retainer (or get it returned to you). If your old lawyer raises a stink (dont take calls, email only), you can tell them you'll file a complaint with MI bar assoc. I can't speak to all of your questions but you should, before/if you dip, get a COMP…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 04:36 PM
1

ex is MD who does 12s. We have a 2-2-5-5 and they, at least as I understand it, have some flexibility with scheduling and never work the days they have the kids (mon/tue for sure and opposite weekends) however I would guess you're m-f and couldnt do that
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 04:31 PM
5

She is an attorney and says he’s old enough to make the choice where he wants to live and if he wants to see me but his mother wouldn’t make him speak with me and said he needed time and space. She lied and said it was broken, then finally admitted to me it wasn’t broken. she said “he doesn’t respond well to threats”. Seeing a lot of her just speaking for your kid. That coupled with your sons loss of the phone you provided, i almost want to say just show up. If you've got a custody agreement say…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 10:45 PM
5

Then that night we got a long list of items she has decided she wants and is 'willing' to give me $127.00 for all of them. Hell fucking no! I have the receipt for the $600 lawn mower we bought a month before you left. So as someone on the other side - don't get hung up on physical BS vs larger things like home equity, asset equalization, and other stuff. Does it suck? yes. But I told my ex they could have literally everything in the house vs more home equity. I ate about 10k on a car she got. It…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 03:08 PM
7

I currently live 2.5 hours away because of work and money issues so I only get to see him maybe once a week. Time cannot be replaced or made. Money can. Can you look for a job closer? You cannot roll over here and give your ex all the custody and time because when you're older you'll regret it beyond comprehension.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 03:02 PM
2

What’s wild is that I make about 70% of our total income. She’s giving up a pretty good life and future for who knows what. If she docent want to be married to you anymore there isnt anything you can do to stop it. That said, she's in for a rude awakening. Separate your income asap, no more husband ANYTHING for her, and understand she does not have the power and control you might convince yourself she does. You need to consult with a lawyer asap because I am willing to bet she is doing this with…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 06:35 PM
5

First off, as other said, you NEED a lawyer. The moves you make in the next 6-18months are gonna determine your life for the next Twenty years. If you have money for half the mortgage you have money for lawyer consults. DO NOT HALF ASS THIS. Second, IF you pay 1/2 you'll be entitled to 1/2 the total equity once you're done (via selling or her buying you out). If you DONT you need to get the house appraised ASAP and determine the value (and equity) AS OF TODAY and THAT amount (1/2 of it) is your …
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 07:49 PM
2

What is your states consent policy? One party: only one person needs to know they are being recorded - she could record you without even telling/asking Two party: both need to know This is LAWYER territory now so get a lawyer asap and move your communication with her to EMAIL ONLY. Should I assume she's just looking for evidence for a divorce lawyer? YES. WHEN IN DOUBT STFU.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 03:29 PM
2

IMO you should try and do it in the morning so they have the whole day to process it. The worst thing is dropping it at dinner/later and they then ruminate on it alone all night. Maybe keep them home from school because dropping that and sending them off could be ROUGH. No special treats/dinners/gifts before or after - this is just a normal day with bad news. If you do anything 'fun' future fun things will be associated with this and everyone waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're going to w…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 06:01 PM
2

Who's the child here? Asked myself that in hindsight. I was turning into a dad for her( And her own relationship with her father was/is not good). When he told us instead that he wanted a divorce, I kept my outside calm, but my inside was having a freakin' party. I hope you tell him this later on when he's in a good space lol
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 05:38 PM
1

I hope you set a firm boundary WHEN the day comes she wants to come back
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 05:36 PM
1

Our daughter is BPD Sounds more like manipulative narcissism and her actively trying to destroy your marriage so she would wring out both out, emotionally and fiscally, for the rest of your lives, playing you against one another. ' BUT, we lost our daughter. Zero contact, zero messages. You're givers and your kid was/is a taker. givers need to learn limits because takers have NONE and it sounds like you set a limit so she dipped.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 02:38 PM
4

1, 2, and 3 - all these (at least for me) came from a place of my ex not being able to be empathetic or understand another persons feelings and motivations. Unless SHE was feeling a feeling, she cannot understand how anyone else can feel it. She would get visibly upset if the kids and I were having fun doing something. Once you question yourself and doubt your reality, once your self-esteem is gone, once all forms of enjoyment are gone, once you feel unloved and alone, once you're isolated from …
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 02:32 PM
1

You really need to set a timeframe otherwise the other party will NEVER offer it. I did 8 hours of interrupted parenting time. This covers 1/3rd of a day which, i personally, would find unacceptable if someone else watched my kids on my ex's time. Its also long enough that if they work on their time I would get the offer to have the kids. Is this usually enforceable in court? As with anything in a legal agreement it should be BUT you need to know that it will take a lot of documented examples of…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 03:06 PM
1

Very welcome. My biggest advice when dealing with that is move your communication to EMAIL ONLY (if she sends a text, leaves a voice mail, or wants to talk in person, REPLY IN EMAIL) and WAIT 24 hours to reply to anything. She pulls any insane anything, the reply should be met with a cold "that sounds important, please send me an email" and walkaway/hang up/reply with just that. Almost all the needless cost of my divorce was i let my ex bait me into arguments and needless communication. If you c…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 02:25 AM
2

more of a rant. rant away!!
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 07:52 PM
7

Does she want to fix it for both your sake or because she would lose the married life (and the benefits: home, income, insurance, child rearing, etc etc). If you think she wants to work on it to save things and have a robust marriage, try. Not only on the marriage but also on improving yourself. being married can be great and having a complete family is wonderful. If she's on there for the cash and prizes... ehhh. And keep in mind you're on a divorce forum. You'll get the answer/justification yo…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 07:32 PM
7

Bud I was a god damn disaster the first month. Was legit hinding in the bathroom and hall closet to cry so the kids wouldnt see me. THis is totally normal - you're going though a crisis. If you're in the US call 988 it is also a crisis line. Tips: dont drink. Get it all out of your house/dump it. Outside of a lawyer the best thing I did was stop drinking therapy. Get a therapist. Find out if you can do so though your health insuance (because a $35 co pay for a therapist is cheaper than $375/hr f…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 05:04 PM
4

DOn't let the line of "its so the kids can stay in the home" BS fool you. ALSO - unless you put something in your agreement there could be nothing preventing her from selling the moment the ink is dry on the divorce. If she cannot afford the home on her own that is HER problem, NOT yours and do not let her dangle your kids feelings in your face to get her way. That is manipulation. FUTURE you wants to be made whole.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 04:59 PM
1

I’m honestly tempted to stop drinking altogether. The day my ex laid some insane stuff on me, which lead to the end of the marriage, I had my last drink. No real reason to start again - wont drink with the kids, never alone, and i wont do it when I have to drive. Also, it is a waste of money. There are nights I would love a glass of red wine or a night cap but Ill just make tea or have N.A. beer if I really want something.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 07:56 PM
1

I am further removed from any sort of connection. resonates. I have days where I think "well i had a shot and thats over now". I get sad. I wouldnt want them back and I also know there is likely no one else in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 07:54 PM
1

i’m just trying to minimize the damage to everyone. Brutal truth here: its going to suck ass HOWEVER your kid(s) being young, it wont be that bad for them - at the time my oldest was 8 and it was/has been the hardest for them by the youngest, they dont even really remember things when we were a 'complete' family. If I could impart one last thing: the moves you make during the divorce, in the 12-18mo to get it done, they are gonna determine how your life operates for the next 18-20+ years. You ge…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 01:40 AM
2

My plan is low-conflict Mike Tyson quote comes to mind: Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth The way you mitigate the damage is get a lawyer NOW (she does not/should not have to know) and GET EDUCATED. My plan is low-conflict: trade equity in the house to keep spousal support minimal or zero, aim for about 70 overnights per year with the kids (roughly 2 weekends on / 1 off + holidays), and stay a very involved dad. IMO you should be demanding (not asking) for 50/50. 183/182 da…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 09:01 PM
10

Your stbx wants all the benefits of marriage without everything else that comes with it. At one point my now ex moved out and expected me to split her rent in her new apartment. Insanity. She doenst have to stay married to you BUT all the bells and whistles that come with marriage (joint income, insurance, security, home, cars, labor, etc etc) all that stuff goes out the window.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 06:13 PM
2

I wish we didn’t have kids and I didn’t have to see her. Is your custody order final? Can you swap the kids at schoool so you dont see her as much?
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 07:48 PM
3

so I can stay close to the kids. This is your north star. You've lost a lot, yes. That sucks. You CANNOT give up on that time. There are guys who would spend what they have 10x over and only get a weekend a month or see them a week in the summer. Listen to what Im about to say: Right now the ultimate commodity is TIME. Time with your kids, once that is gone it is gone forever and no amount of money can buy it back. Your ex is distracted with a new guy, money, and all the other bs in her orbit an…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 07:45 PM
2

Almost all of the extra expense of my div was due to quick emotional replies and text battles. once I slowed down (and flat out didnt reply to some things because not everything needs a reply) it went better.\ good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 05:47 PM
1

Do you know what to look out for? Look at testimonies online to see what really matters in the parental agreement. One parent going for more than 50% is a borderline declaration of a fight and more so if it's the guy. But really what causes the big fights are money related (cash, investments, assets, retirement, etc) because one party is gonna feel like the offer is reasonable and the other will consider it a slap in the face. My ex went bonkers over child support and them having to pay and exte…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 04:04 PM
3

IMO email ONLY. My ex both "lost a phone" and "factory reset" her phone and said she had no access to texts where we agreed on things and were doing logistical kid stuff. Email cannot be lost. Reply to everything in an email. Calls, texts, in person conv (re-write in the email). Dont put ANYTHING in teh email you dont want read on a 10ft screen in court by her lawyer without context. Final thing: Wait 24 hours to reply to anything.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 02:41 PM
5

To start: understand that your wife does NOT have the power and control that you have convinced yourself she does. She is not running the show here and you need to lose the husband mindset. YOu're thinking like you're still married and team. You are not and she is now your legal opponent. GET A LAWYER. She doesnt have to know. YOu need someone who knows how all this works and you need to get educated. You can get legal advice and use that without telling her you have a lawyer. And WHEN you need …
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 02:37 PM
2

I did tell my direct supervisor and he responded with “Yeah the first one is always the toughest” haha so at least he can sympathize with me. I laughed. Its GOOD you've got your boss in your corner there - if they went though a divorce you'll absolutely get some leeway. Which of course is frying my nerves and I had a couple tough moments. But I think I will be ok if I can keep myself from getting pulled into her trap. Limiting communication is one of the best things you can do. Copy/past from a …
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 04:28 PM
5

Right now you're in panic mode and not thinking 100% clearly. That is totally normal. As for "could make it work".... bud, she would have moved the bar. There would be nothing that you could have done because even if you met every metric she set there would be secret metrics she would never tell you about. SHE is flipping out because she's being met with the reality of you doing something she likely never thought you would do (file) and she is probably also doing the mental math on how a post di…
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 01:26 PM
15

Is this a manipulation thing to just hold on to me for as long as possible or what ? This is her keeping one foot on base to keep access to you and what you provide: Sex, money, labor, insurance, etc. She wants to have her cake and eat it to. You're a resource and nothing more. She will kick your ass to the curb the second someone better comes along and, buddy, she is ACTIVLY looking right now. You will be bled dry mentally, physically, emtoonally, and finanically and the day you're tapped out a…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:16 PM
3

She’s been pushing my buttons since just about when the affair started If you know this, and know when she does it next, you're already going to come out ahead. It got to the point with me one day where I realized "oh, she's trying to get me to flip out here" and suddenly her words lost all power because I knew it was her making a last ditch attempt to screw with me. I almost got giddy when she was trying to upset me and it threw her off. Yes. My ex lost all the mutual friends and even a few of …
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 01:33 PM
1

Good you have separate fiscals
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 08:42 PM
1

Shoud I not even use the word divorce or what? Once you drop the D bomb there is no going back, is what I'm trying to say. BEST case she thinks you are bluffing. Worst case? There is a ton of crazy stuff she could pull (accusation of abuse/rape, cleaning out accounts, running up a ton of debt, locking out out of the house, calling the cops, or on the flip side trying to get you to knock her up).
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 04:41 PM
1

The only reason we are still married, she needs sponsorship. What this really reads: The only reason SHE IS still married, she needs sponsorship. You gotta take a step back here and detach the 'married' guy brain and ask yourself: "What would she be doing if she didnt need this?" and odds are the answer would be kick your ass to the curb. This said - she need you more than you need her. Use that to your advantage. Get in touch with a lawyer, lay your situation out (including her immigration stat…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 04:40 PM
2

I am stuck. I don't know what to do. Bluntly: you get a lawyer and file. She will keep you living like this because right now it is not in her benefit to legally be done with you. She isn't coming back but there is something she's getting keeping you on like this. You're not able to move on because in the back of your mind you're not done yet. It stinks but you will probably have to be the one to see this though, even if you dont want it. It's what I had to do for my well being (both mentally, p…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 03:02 PM
2

Tomorrow is the day we get together in person and have the talk. I definitely want a divorce. Be ready to hit the ground running. Frankly (IMO) it would be better to file and THEN say its HAPPENING not that you want it. You wont need her permission to do this. Once you confirm divorce you'll have to operate under the assumption she will immediately get a lawyer and possibly even file first.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 02:58 PM
4

DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING UNTIL YOUVE GOT ALL YOUR STUFF IN ORDER - get the entire decree done and drop it on her. You cannot do this slow or she will bleed you dry and making your life a living hell for ruining her fun. The second you file you must operate as this person will willingly destroy both your lives as a final f-u.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 03:13 AM
2

Luckily she’s not on my CCs. Those are pretty maxed out anyway. well half that debt is hers.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 03:11 AM
3

I plan on going to one of those flat rate divorce centers in my area. I’m going to have them draft everything up and had it over to her. Should only be $800 and they had good reviews. After that we shift into selling the house and then I’m left to pickup the pieces. its a day later and i hope you see this. You need to mentally prep yourself for your wife to be completly unreasonable here - she will want the house/cars/your retirement/etc etc even though she is cheating. What she has right now is…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 03:10 AM
1

OH yeah at the start survival is legit hour to hour. I got though it with therapy, no drinking, and trying to think "What is me from a year from now going to want?" and it more or less all worked out. Good luck! Any questions, ask away. My kids are younger but the custody thing was a big process.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 09:03 PM
2

There is no rational explanation i can think of outside that, unless she herself cheated, was projecting, and wanting to somehow prove or validate it was the other. this is my assumption as well. Things got really complicated during the whole divorce. She moved out and then did nothing to make it happen and finally after six months i was the one who filed and that only made her even angrier.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 06:49 PM
1

Sorry you're dealing with this but know there is a end date and you will make it. She's doing long term damage here if she's not aware. The kids are smart and will know what is up. Doubly so because you've got teens. Outside of what I said above, if you're not already doing it, move ALL your communication with her to Email ONLY and wait 24 hours to reply (and remember not everything needs a reply). She will get her dopamine hit by sending you, or saying, some insane bs just to get a reaction fro…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 06:47 PM
2

to be clear: I was accused of cheating and she thought the kids were not mine because of it. yes that is as insane as it sounds.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 02:49 PM
2

my ex wife asking to dna test our kids. Yes this makes as little sense as it sounds.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 02:47 PM
5

Asking to dna test the kids
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 01:48 AM
3

She insists She insists She insists She insists any power or control you've convinced yourself that she has is only in your head. What she wants (and what you want) wont 100% happen. 100% she is doing this because (drum roll) she KNOWS she is screwed. YOur kids are old enough that custody might be agreed on a court doc but good luck making a teen boy do what a piece of paper says. Now she can THREATEN to take you back to court, but that takes time and by the time its all sorted your middle kid w…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 01:44 AM
6

You're not going to get closure from her. And after a year IF she does pop back up 100% it will be mind games, a half answer to things, and WILL SET YOU BACK EVEN MORE. If she came calling your move should be to block/ignore. Not interact. Any contact is going to drag out back down into a pit of doom.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 04:40 PM
12

All she's ever done is use me. I don't know if this will help (and hear me out) but you're not special here. She likely uses EVERYONE. I had that realization with my ex. It was freeing actually because I stopped feeling like she was doing it JUST to me... she was a user. A taker. And being a giver I should have known my limits because takers dont have any. How can my children ever understand that I can't talk to her under these conditions, and that it's not my fault? So kids are WAY smarter than…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 04:33 PM
5

I love the person I married but that person does not exist anymore. Maybe they never did. Now I just have "my kids mother" who I have ZERO desire to even see, let alone express any affection towards. DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOUR KIDS AND THE LOGISTICS OF RAISING THEM. 100% it will bite you in the ass if you do.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 04:11 PM
1

Married someone in medical filed here (MD). Can confirm.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 08:35 PM
4

Tell him a random person on the internet is pulling for him and he's making the right call. In many ways this was just a very expensive girlfriend with a legal entanglement. I didnt even get married until I was 31. He has a lot of living ahead of him and will be ok. And you're a good father for supporting him.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 09:50 PM
1

Happy to suggest!
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 06:21 PM
1

Good luck, man. Again, be ready for her to take issue with all of it and, if she feels she can up end things, push your buttons to get you upset (i.e. make insane demands of things that are totally unreasonable). Remind yourself this does not have to all be hammered out in one session. With mediation the mediator does not care who gives up what and only wants and agreement, even if its lopsided.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 08:58 PM
1

I hope college will be free by then. Figure college issues can address later on down the road. Then you'll be back in mediation or court. Get something in there NOW or future you will be pissed at current you. You should address splits now, who gets to claim tax credits, if you're ok with sending your kid to Harvard (100k right now) or a Community college. College is a half millions dollar per kid time bomb.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 08:01 PM
1

For starters on ALL of this - you should expect, and do not be offended, when she comes back with adjustments to all this stuff and /or flat out says no. In fact, expect it. Make note now of what are your deal breakers and be ready to bend on things that are not. barring your ex being a complete idiot or with a terrible lawyer they are very unlikely to agree to all of this across the board. What you are proposing is 209/156 which is 56%/44% custody. FULLY EXPECT THEM TO DEMAND 50/50. I am 50/50 …
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 08:00 PM
16

Set your kids phone number as your phone pass code. You'll have it memorized in under a week. Week after, do the same for the next kid.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 07:43 PM
7

idk if it was wise to sell my 401k, but I hit rock bottom and didn't have many options. I burned almost all of mine to save my house. It was that or we all have to move/kids move out of schools/nightmare. You had to do what you had to do.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 07:43 PM
2

Ended up with a 50/50 custody and equity split, no spousal maintenance, no child maintenance, no pension sharing, clean break. amazing
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 03:35 PM
2

Not a ramble at all. If she does the unthinkable with the cat you MUST remain calm. If she stoops that low it would mean she has nothing else to come at you with and it would be a hail mary to get you to screw up so she can call the cops or pull other insane bs. With the house: she could get it, sure.... But guess what? She wont get it for nothing. There is equity and whoever gets it has to pay the other person out. Does it suck that youve made all the payments? yes. BUt that means you get at le…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 08:43 PM
1

I would suggest a self-date. That means a movie solo, Nice dinner by yourself, day trip to some new city alone, etc. Learn to like yourself and being alone and work though the BS you're thinking about and when the divorce is done you'll have a good view on things, hopefully.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 08:38 PM
13

Is this the worst time for dating? You've got two kids and a soon to be ex wife in la-la land with a new guy. IMO it is the WORST time to be dating for two reasons: you're a mess The moves you make with the divorce in the next 6-12 months are going to impact your life for the next 17-23+ years AT LEAST. You need to buckle down and treat the divorce as a second job. I'm dead serious when I say if spend time/money/effort on dating it is WASTED resources on what needs to be your full focus: your ki…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 03:59 PM
5

For starters and if you only read one thing: Remember that your wife does not have the power and control in this situation that you may have convened yourself that she does. it seems like I’m going to have to move back in with my parents and lose basically half of everything I have. Any thoughts or advice? Do NOT move out until this is all done. With you gone she, in her head, is done and divoreced and its just a matter of paperwork. She will have ZERO reason to move on anything because she gets…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 02:16 PM
1

Any tips or tricks for when we tell them? IMO you should try and do it in the morning so they have the whole day to process it. The worst thing is dropping it at dinner/later and they then ruminate on it alone all night. Maybe keep them home because dropping that and sending them off could be ROUGH. No special treats/dinners/gifts before or after - this is just a normal day with bad news. If you do anything 'fun' future fun things will be associated with this and everyone waiting for the other s…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 01:18 PM
2

THis op. Kids are smart. Do what you need to do, don't evne give the ex any bandwidth or say anything to your kid, and years from now youll be the one he has a relationship with.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 06:03 PM
1

same here!!
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 05:26 PM
2

This OP. In the back of your head, at ALL TIMES, should be a voice that says "this is only business now" because ANY chance you give her to screw you over or make you look bad, buddy she is gonna take it. You must be on your best behavior now, dont drink, and do not get baited into a fight or argument. Is your state two party consent for recordings? If its only one party you gotta act like you're being recorded (and hell, even if it is two party, STILL assume you're on tape). Dont let her screw …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 02:37 PM
1

How should I word this, and does anyone have experience with a similar clause in their own agreement? here, have the whole damn thing lol Article xxx - EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES X.1 The Parents agree that they will be jointly involved in their Minor Children’s extracurricular activities and that, after considering each Minor Child’s aptitudes and preferences, they shall jointly make all decisions relating to the Minor Children’s enrollment and participation in any lessons and extracurricular ac…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 04:40 PM
2

Send her an email about the removal, and also put something in there, a small question that she would be inclined to answer, so you get a reply. This serves as her acknowledging she got the email and read it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 03:20 PM
1

Nothing says you need to do this immediately but there are things you can do to prep Gather all your (and her) financial infomraiton run a credit report freeze your credit consider opening a new bank account (at a bank you do not use) and make cash deposits get cash back when you shop find places to cut costs and then divert the savings (via cash) If you think she has a lawyer (or actually gets one) 100% you MUST have a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:16 PM
5

At this point I just wish she’d ask for the divorce instead of making life like this. First off - your wife does not have the power and control that you've convinced yourself she does. Anyone can end this whenever for whatever reason. While she's overtly unhappy deep down she knows she would be the bad guy AND her quality of life would suffer... so she is gonna ride this out until one of three things happen you tell her you're divorcing so she gets to be the victim and get sympathy from everyone…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 01:37 AM
2

This is a good question for a lawyer. There is language in my dissolution that flat out says "Two children were born to the parties as a result of their marriage, namely: (kid 1 name, age) and (kid 2 name, age). No other children were born to or adopted by the parties, and (ex-wife name) is not now pregnant, or known to be pregnant" Odds are there is nothing to worry about and you wont be singing a birth cert, but still better to have all your bases covered
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 04:41 PM
8

She made a huge song and dance about wanting she and I to be friends, to share a bottle of prosecco in her new place, to celebrate our life as independent and successful co-parents. Delusional BS and if you say no she gets to say "he's being dramatic and unreasonable". I thought I had it all sown up - but I feel like such a mess now, I feel completely broken. IMO you need to limit your contact with her as much as possible. Seeing my ex, early on, would legit ruin my next 48 hours after seeing he…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 04:26 PM
1

FYI custody amounts are based on overnights. 183/182 is 50/50. If you must move out you need those overnights because if the process gets dragged out (with you gone she might slow down) you dont want the status quo to be her with having 300+ overnights and you just weekends or less.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 11:09 PM
1

I asked my own divorce lawyer (woman) how she would conduct a divorce of her own and she was blunt "My husband knows what I would do. I would destroy him"
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 10:13 PM
2

if you go to trial and you're on the stand, Im sure your lawyer could work it in
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 10:09 PM
2

I’m dealing with a special kind of monster (whose dad and brother are both divorce attorneys and know all the judges in the area) You're going to need a REALLY good lawyer here. But I'm sure you know this.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 08:41 PM
2

It’s been a big part of my daily mind scrambles. Not a pet so I cannot compare that, however there were things I had to let go because it was taking all my bandwith and preventing me from just getting the divorce done. I was getting hung up on things that long term didnt have that big of an impact. I hope things work out for you how you need them to.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 02:25 PM
2

If you could get a new dog now, that is just yours. Could less the separation from the joint pet. And think long term: at some point the joint pet is going to get sick, need care, end of life plans.... all that stuff is a MASSIVE argument waiting to happen (who pays what, who gets the remains, etc).
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 03:09 AM
6

we share a dog and we’re going to split him for the foreseeable future. I'm gonna say something people prob wont like.... just give her the dog. YOu dont have kids with this person and having to have her in your life for the dog, who could live god knows how long, is NOT good for you mentally and wont help you move on. You can get another dog.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 02:46 AM
2

I found the days after it was done-done, its like the air was let out of me. Marriage ended with a whimper. But it was clam and the drama was more or less done. There is an end. IT sucks getting there. Sorry you're going though this. Do what is best for your kids and then yourself. She's on her own now.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 02:44 AM
2

He told me last night though when we went out to dinner that he is not going to tell her what he is doing. She is dead to him and she has no right to know his life because she didn't care about ruining it, according to him. Ultimate loss for your ex. She wont see it until he's older and she tries to be a part of his life and he doesnt entertain it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 06:03 PM
6

damn I love that woman Blunt talk: lose this mindset or it will be used against you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 11:14 PM
5

In every conversation we have, she calls me a liar. Remember that this person knows your buttons and will press them whenever they feel it is to their benefit. know going she is trying to manipulate your feelings and you must remove the opportunity. Move all your communication to email only. No texting, no calls, no in-person conversations. ANYTHING outside email is to be met with "This sounds important, send me an email" and then STOP talking. When in doubt SHUT THE HELL UP. And 100% after you …
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 10:37 PM
3

I empathize, there are many parallels in your situation. Similar length of marriage and age of kids as well as separation before finalization. I also had to liquidate a large part of my 401k to pay my now ex out for her portion of the home. Difference being my ex was the larger wage earner and worked off hours (medical filed) which made me the primary parent (I was solo parenting 4-5 nights a week) and now have 50% custody. The loss of the time, above all else, is what I find the hardest. Its no…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:00 PM
10

second, it's not enough to fight over now, but theoretically she perjured herself and could be charged. Even if you dont plan on escilating you could send her an email and see if she rolls over... "IRA: Doing taxes this year my accountant noted there was a IRA you previously contributed to. As this was co-mingled funds, and not disclosed during the divorce, it is open to being re-addressed. This said if you equalize things now we wont have to go back to court on it." If she says nothing or tells…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:37 PM
1

OP also needs to get copies of as many back years of returns as they can. And when they do, give them to their guy to make sure it was all on the up and up. One thing my ex did during our separation, before legally divorced, was change their withholdings to 0 so the last year we filed joint we owned a TON of money. Thank god I/my lawyer spotted it and we held them accountable for their part of the liability.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 09:41 PM
5

Kids? Have to be diplomatic. No kids? "She cheated on me so I divorced her"
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 09:16 PM
3

Your stbx was kicking the can down the road because they finally did their math on their life and realized it would be a massive change. Know you did the right thing here because if you had not this would be dragged out for YEARS. 100% expect more BS. Ignore it all because it will be a grasp to, yet again, delay. You'll be met with what seems like amazing deals or capitulations on things. Keep plowing ahead.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 07:03 PM
11

Because she moved out and wouldn't do it herself, despite being the one wanting it. She wanted to be married for the tax benefit, health insurance, and child coverage when she worked but not anything else. After six months I finally woke up and realized I was being strung along and bled dry fiscally and filed myself and MY GOD did she get mad after that.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 08:44 PM
1

Ah, I see now, rereading it. Even then being done with things, and both parties paid out and (assuming) with no obligations to one another... sounds like the ex had a lawyer that half ass'd things and now the ex is back realizing they screwed up on the payment. Odds are OP is ok but they cannot ignore this.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 09:39 PM
6

You need a lawyer as this cannot be ignored. You also need to ask for all attorney fees be paid by her when it gets thrown out. And even IF they rule the gift was hers... its all (was) co-mingled and you paid while you were there. She's making the same case as "My dad gave me $1 for a down-payment so the whole house was mine!"
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 08:24 PM
1

Picture day falls on my day with our child, but the costume is with my ex. Email only. Dont call, or text. Subject: Photo Day/Costume/Lunch Body: Hello, Photo day for (extracurricular) is on (date) however (child's name)'s costume is with you. Could you please send it with (child's name) or drop it here for the photos? Also, as the date approaches, would it be rude to ask her to take our child to lunch after the recital? Currently, she works every Saturday, but I am working on trying to change t…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 08:22 PM
7

How long did it take you before you felt like you were back to being who you were? THat's the thing... I don't even know who I am to know when I am back to being who I should be.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 05:47 PM
2

She has this lofty goal of going to med school (at 40) All she needs to do is go though the application/acceptance process and then its just a quick eight years and she's ready to go at 50 (with $500k in loan debt) What hurts about this. Shes so giddy about starting her own life. Telling me how she has had fun going out and doing her own thing. RUN... dont walk.. to get this divorce done before she wakes up and asks for more. Because buddy, once reality hits and she sees how bad she has screwed …
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 04:16 PM
1

Not saying its more valuable than spending time with your kids, but the window to make more money, travel, have experiences isn't that big either. Thats why kids are such a big commitment These two thoughts ran counter in my ex's mind. She wanted to keep living the pre-kid life despite being the one who first pushed for kids. When they got hard (2-5 years old) she retreated to work and distanced herself from me. Once we finally saw light at the end of the tunnel, with the youngest in all day sch…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 06:24 PM
2

Do not adopt the other child. Also, my man, you gotta edit this and break it up into paragraphs. Folks will read it if its manageable and this is a wall of text.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 04:00 AM
13

Its STILL a good idea to run all this past a lawyer. It protects you. She does not have to know. At the very least you need to have someone who knows how all this works check whatever you agree on so you dont screw yourself. I've read horror stories on here when some small thing comes back to bit someone in the ass, something was vague and each person interoperates it differently, or someone files in the wrong county and has to start all over again. Get a lawyer
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 05:26 PM
9

We are still living together but divorcing Full stop on saying anything. You need to be DONE done with the divorce before you do anything here because all you'll be doing is tossing gas on the fire. Any excuse your stbxw can use to screw you over, she will, and if you make problems for her she will take it out on you. If anything, look at this as an OPPORTUNITY. She is DISTRACTED by this. Time to put the pedal down on your divorce and try and ask for as much as you can (custody/house/money/etc).…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 05:22 PM
4

Proud of this guys SON. Kid was smart and had his dads back. Long term THAT is the biggest asset - his kid. And that kid will want nothing to do with mom.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:25 PM
11

Dude I totally understand. I STILL find myself thinking of the person my ex WAS. But she isnt that person anymore. If you go though with a divorce, here is advice I got at the start: You cannot think like a husband. This person will no longer be your spouse and that means they lose all the benefits of being married - your income, physical labor, security, hell even mundane crap like moving a box or opening a jar. The reason she is slow rolling you is because she KNOWS you love her and is using t…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:07 PM
1

dont say anything until you are done with a divorce. Telling the other person is tossing gas on a fire and your spouse can lash out at you for exposing her and make your life hell during the divorce. This knowledge is a card to play. Dont give it up for nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:02 PM
13

She said that she hasn’t been happy for a very long time, that while I am a great father and provider that I don’t make her happy. She also said and this is the worst part, that she no longer has ANY love for me and there is zero chance of rebuilding anything. I head all this same stuff too. I have looked at apartments and I know I’ll be fine living on my own once the house is sold. Her not so much even with child support.It’s much more expensive to live in the area that she wants than she expec…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 10:56 PM
7

I don’t know when she would have the time. I thought the same I asked her (not that she would be honest) and she said that she plans on being alone after we split. I was told this as well. Went though at least two guys.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 10:52 PM
1

For starters, use email. Texting is just going to result in a back and forth because it allows for Realtime communication. As for the ask (im assuming you get them/have them after school today, and also have OTHER overnights): "Hello, Tomorrow being a non-school day, would you be open to the kids staying over tonight so they can enjoy the evening, sleep in, and then we can exchange in the morning at (TIME HERE*)? If there is a overnight in the future you would like we could swap. Please let me k…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 03:06 PM
12

We are awkwardly living together until I find a place. So once you move out she will be 'divorced' in her head and it would only be a matter of paperwork so consider if you really want to leave, otherwise she has no reason to end things fast, barring her wanting a cash payout for whatever. In the meantime - seperate you money asap and if you have cash/savings accounts move half tomorrow to a new bank neither of you use otherwise she will blow though it. Until someone files this is just a fight a…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 08:56 PM
2

I hope they go back and file for CS anyway as that, typically, cannot be 'wavied'. The most someone can do is agree to $0 or return whats paid.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 08:40 PM
0

For starters, I'm sorry you're dealing with this even after being divorced. What is happening here is she has finally lost all control over you so this is last way of trying to exercise the paltry amount of power she has. Additionally its a way for her to press your buttons and make you 1. emotional and 2. think short term. This isnt her putting one over on your or 'winning' by making you lose. Its just another part of the process.... You're in for the long haul here. While it stinks, $75 a mont…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 04:22 PM
6

Good on all three!!! Thing to remember about mediation: mediators will NOT stop you from giving it all away. All they want is for two people to agree and if that means one person is living in a box with no money and sees the kids one day a year, if both agree, that will be what it is. Your wife is in lala land right now but when REALITY hits (i.e. you do not agree to something that is reasonable) she will get upset. She is going to want it both ways - for her to do whatever she wants and ALSO fo…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 03:48 PM
6

Up until today I was having like 4 or 5 panic attacks per day. Your brain is literally trying to rewire itself. Do you have a therapist and a lawyer? You NEED both. Has anyone filed? If not this is just a fight. It will be hard but you need to accept its over. But know this: no one is going to come and save you. You can either start the process now, or wait months while you're being walked all over and bled dry and then start. Also, do not drink!
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 02:13 PM
3

Once a week is decent. And you have that relationship now. My ex had the father who 'chose' to be the weekend dad with her. He had one overnight a month and a week in the summer. Her relationship with her father is a disaster. They have next to no connection and during our marriage would only see her if he came to visit and the interaction was superficial at best. One of the many reasons our marriage ended was her screwed up view of men due to her father basically not being there at all when she…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 02:08 PM
2

The reason she 'agreed' to no CS is because she would have been paying you. If there is an income disparity courts might order a split of expenses based off the income percentages. Did you have a lawyer?
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 02:01 PM
1

As other said, it sucks but pay it. I never tool my name off of the water elect or the cable internet bill. (Hind site i know) i took care of the water and elect already but i got a 980$ cable /internet bill today that was hers whats the best way to fix this sonit doesnt hit my credit Document this - email her and ask if she will pay it. Wait for her to say no. Then you have the no. Say you're paying it, expect her to recoup it as part of the courts orders, and you're taking your name off all th…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 06:24 PM
14

If you have older kids (think teens and beyond) this might be a viable option because by that point both parents are coming up second in their life - they want to spend more time with friends. If you have young kids please do not 'choose' this. TIME is the ultimate commodity even if you're not thinking it is. We can make more money, travel, work, experience whatever but TIME when they are young... once it is gone it is GONE. You will NEVER get the time back. Dealing with a ex is hard. Parenting …
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 06:21 PM
13

Last month they spent twenty unnecessary minutes arguing over who was supposed to buy new basketball shoes. I had something like this ONCE at the start, pre div/post sep, and after that I just said screw it. I know I could send receipts but I dont even bother. I keep them, mind you, for the future if I ever get a hard time on something but now I just buy what they need and go on with my life. Its worth $40 to not have to talk to my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 04:56 PM
1

Looking back, the arguments that felt catastrophic at the time mattered a lot less than I thought they would. What seemed to carry more weight was simply showing up consistently and keeping things as steady as possible. getting hung up on the small stuff is akin to a world war going on (divorce) but you're putting all your effort into taking one hill. Long term, big picture. I learned fast that my ex knew my buttons and I was letter them get pressed. Slowed communication, didnt reply to everythi…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 04:44 PM
3

At this point dont ask about anything person, just business/logistics. And again, i really cannot recommend enough waiting a day to reply to things. I would have two pg emails written and find a day later it needed to be three sentences. AlSO remember not everything needs a reply!
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 03:23 PM
11

I still believe in marriage when it makes sense to legally intertwine. Kids? Yes, absolutely. Fiscal partnership (not separate finances)? Again yes. Being married was great. Until it wasn't. Would I ever get married again? I own my home. I wont ever mix my financial life with someone again. I am done having kids. So no, there is no reason for me to do it as the risk is just too much. Hell, I don't even want to date. Even outside of brining a random person into my young kids lives (they never ask…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 07:44 PM
4

Any advice? well for starters stop using a seven year old account and get a burner. Second: Get a totally new email and change EVERY. SINGLE. LOGIN. to that email - you could be digitally compromised and not know it. Third, get the app that tells you if you're near an air tag. Finally - No more communication except via email. Phone convos will never have happened and texts will be deleted on her end. And wait 24 hours to reply to anything (so you cool off).
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 04:56 PM
10

About my marriage: Things you think are positives, bring value, or show love to the other person, could be considered a non-factor to the other person. Things you don't consider important could be everything to the other person. In both cases they may never communicate what is important to them until they are done with you and ready to move on. I always thought being a good husband (treating the marriage with team mindset) and father (I prioritize spending time with my kids vs work) was somethin…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 03:19 PM
2

Our mediator also says that we must tax impact the amounts we owe each other from our retirement accounts. Only if you turn it into cash. You/her can transfer money via a QDRO with no tax implications. This said if someone wants ti turned into cash the person sending can offer 20%+ on top as that is the withdrawal tax there is 10% early withdrawal penalty BUT if someone receives it in a QDRO they do NOT have to pay the 10%, just the 20% tax. Example: If you have to pay your ex out $100,000 for t…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 06:34 PM
5

Verbal agreements mean nothing barring you have it documents. Can’t afford legal advice You NEED an attorney. Beg borrow steal to make it happen because what you spend now on a lawyer will PALE in comparison to what you'll lose out on with your retirement.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 05:11 PM
1

Police simply dont have time/do not care. Its always either a bluff OR more likely one party does not understand how it works
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 06:04 PM
1

Oh by get out of there I mean leave in that moment. I tell everyone, man or woman, never leave the home. And as a heads up - WHEN she gets a lawyer (and she eventually will) they will tell her the same. Remember - until anyone files all you're doing right now is having a very elaborate fight.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 11:28 PM
2

I have read stories here where a parent (man or woman) is standing in front of cops with a copy of the custody agreement pointing out violations and they just say "Take it back to court! We're not gonna arrest your ex because they were 20 minutes late dropping your kid off!"
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 11:23 PM
2

If you're not alreayd doing it consult with lawyers. Have one on deck. GET EDUCATED ABOUT THIS. Obviously do not tell her but you MUST lean now so you're ready for anything later. Divorce is like jumping out of a plane. Do you want to have the parachute on and know how it works, or do you want try learning how to put it on and operate it as you're falling?
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 11:22 PM
12

You’re not a real man You have no ambition. I want a husband who takes care of me. Buddy i was married to a MD who at the end of our marriage made way more than I did while I also worked full time AND did solo parenting 50+% of the time from her work scheudle and im here to tell you that you're not alone in this line of BS thinking. Understand that no matter what you did for her it would NEVER have been enough. I gave her a timeline of April/May. Be ready to expedite things on your end because t…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 11:19 PM
9

Now shes threatening to call the sherrifs depart. Like you showing up for a exchange and her not sending a kid out, cops do not care. Its a civil matter and will tell you/her file a contempt charge. What would you do? If you still have your lawyer, let them know (to get it on record) and ask what/how things might go in your jurisdiction. ALSO consider emailing her to clarify explaining why they were vaccinated. Simpler the better. If she replies you have an acknowledgement she read it and if she…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 09:01 PM
10

DARVO Deny, Attack, and Reverse the Victim and the Offender True for men and women.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 02:33 PM
2

This is the ultimate thing she lost: the support of her kids. Everyone can make more money and get more 'things' but that damage, buddy, she screwed up royally there.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 08:58 PM
1

I am awarded my father's military memorabilia. The fact she even wanted any of this to start is at BEST her being tone def or at worst using it as a bargaining chip.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 08:56 PM
2

Most people got tired of hearing about it. I tell people you'll get ears for about a year. Obviously at the start, then though all the 'firsts'. First time they move out, first holiday season, first birthday alone, first time you have to deal with some bs. After that though? They have heard it all before and its' old news. The only people who REALLY get it are other people who have divorced and evne THEN you'll get maybe two years. Why? Because even you will get sick and tired of talking about i…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 07:19 PM
2

End of the day it's just money.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 05:38 PM
4

3.5 years, 1.5 year div. Emotionally I'm still dealing with some stuff but over all ok. The big kick in the teeth is the financial hit. It will take me a decade to get back to where I was and that will be with one income and retirement went from something I could have pulled off before 60 to now probably after 70. Grateful my kids seem to be doing alright which was my only real goal outside of saving the home (for their sake so they can stay in the schools they are in)
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 07:05 AM
11

How many months in did you stop begging or pleading to your wife to stay married to you? six months of asking for counseling/to work it out. All that time I was being bled dry financially. I love her, I sincerely do. this will be used against you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 11:24 PM
3

FYI when/if you get her w2 make sure she didnt do what my ex did in the second year of our process and change her withholdings to $0. Our tax bill was MASSIVE and I had to spend extra on my lawyer going to the mat on me NOT having to split it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 06:46 PM
2

but refused to contribute to retirement accounts My MD ex NEVER contributed to her 403b the entire time we were married. EVERY year we did taxes it was an argument. "Ok ill start this year". My GOD 20k+ a year for almost 15 years left on the table and thats not even the match. I wanted to puke when it came time to separate. For whatever reason, maybe gulit, she didnt ask i split my 401k (thank christ).
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 06:44 PM
4

While I love her, I am exhausted. Burnt out. Every time I need to have a conversation that's about bills, chores, or anything mildly inconvenient, she wants to do it later. Later never comes,and I have to make the decision myself. Givers need limits because takers have NONE. FYI: once you put your foot down and/or self advocate she will realize she's losing control of you (which she has right now) and will get upset. At what point is it enough? Its never going to be enough and the goal posts wil…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 06:55 PM
2

I am on the receiving end. DO NOT feel bad about getting it - it is for your kids. Roles reversed your ex would 100% go after you for it. Current you might feel bad but you're going to need these funds to help support your kids. At the very least you could open accounts for your kids (529/savings/ect) and just stick the money in there. I feel like I’m doing something wrong by filing for child support. Do not let gender dynamics stop you from filing. And if someone is giving you crap for it, they…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 06:52 PM
1

Understand that during this process you're going to have to eat some shit, so to speak. Something wont go your way. It will probably be money related and you'll feel like you're getting shafted. You're going to have to let it go so you don't get sidetracked on the entire process. It will not be easy but try and remove as much emotion as you can from the process. You'll slip up and thats ok. Give yourself some grace. If you make decisions about things based on how you're feeling today, here and n…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 04:15 PM
2

The moment she knows shes lost control things will get hot. The mistakes I made in my process, so hopefully you dont repeat them while I got a lawyer in the first month I still waited 6mo to file I did not sperate my income and while I was told it 'would all balance out' it did not and I ate about 20k I should have had my ex pay for her part of the insurance I would tell her HOW she was screwing herself and what sort of outcomes we would have. This was dumb because she didnt believe anything I w…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 02:26 PM
3

My wife hit 40 and it was as if a switch was flipped. She spent a few years distancing herself from myself and our family, kids included. She worked and opposite shift and would almost go out of her way to never be here during the day or with all of us at the same time. When I finally called her out on it I was told I was trying to ruin her careeer. I was also told I needed to get another job to bring in more money (she made more than I did as a MD). Have you recently started advocating for your…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 08:35 PM
7

Last night she finally gave me an answer and said we were incompatible. She said we had different perceptions on the relationship and where it was heading which is why she knows this is the right decision. That was all she said. Translation: you're not letting me do what I want AND you're also not doing what I want you to do. Listen man, this sucks and its not fair or right... but there is no putting that genie back in the bottle. You're a mess mentally and not thinking long term - you're in pan…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 04:38 PM
1

King. Sometimes the kids will come into the room and hang out on it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 06:41 PM
8

Ask her "what do you need from me, as a husband, and as a father?" If she doesn't have an answer for you, or its superficial "I need you to be here more" than understand she will move the goal posts in her head no matter what you do. And even if you do deliver on her asks, it will prob get moved again. My ex said the same with the mental load. I worked full time and was a solo parent 50% of the week due to my ex being a MD and working 2nd shift. Even after I bought up my concerns about her conce…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 05:52 PM
4

Echoing other posters: you're 100% justified in being upset. And you're also going to have to let this go because right now she has you right where she wants you: focused (and spending money) on BS you cannot control and will not receive any accountably/compensation from. I say it all the time: these people know you better than anyone and WILL press your buttons to get you to make short term emotional choices that, long term, do not benefit you at all. Right now you're looking to justify spendin…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:06 PM
5

Did you keep communication only written? email only and I wait 24 hours to reply to anything unless it requires an answer thaty impacts the kids/travel
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 05:16 PM
7

From a legal end of things: Child support and custody is based on overnights. You need those overnights to establish the status quo. 183/182 is 50/50 You're going to get some big emotions, as will your kid, but you MUST power though - the longer you wait the harder it will be.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:25 PM
1

sounds like they have a shit ton of money lol
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 10:24 PM
8

Its worth $42,500 to get a new attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 10:22 PM
15

Change your wifi password and reset what you have. ALSO - GET A NEW EMAIL - move ALL log ins to THAT email. You dont know where youre digitally compromised.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:44 PM
3

claiming they fall under medical uninsured expenses Time to look at your dental/medical insurance via your work (if you've covered your kids). Does your ex have to split if the are covered? Also you should speak with their dentist/ortho and find out what they think. THis said - its not the worst to get them done. And YOU get the glory for paying for them (as much as one can get from a teen). I needed them BAD when I was a kid and parents didnt pay... I bought my own while in college and worked t…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 07:01 PM
6

Do you have full custody? Are you receiving child support? I ask because the support can be used to buy time: cleaners, sitters so you get a few hours solo, and post/pre school child care to extend your work hours. I have streamlined a lot of things - Auto pay for my bills with 1-2 day before calendar reminders. Some days of the week are always a set time/place/meal (i.e. EVERY Wed is a spaghetti dinner at the dining room table promptly at 630pm - I dont even need to hound the kids anymore they …
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 06:56 PM
2

thankgod. don't get bled dry if you can avoid it
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 09:49 PM
10

TLDR here at the top - GET A LAWYER ASAP YOU'RE BEING SET UP FOR DISASTER I’ve told her I love her unconditionally and will move past it all if she wanted to give our marriage a real shot. And She says if I love her, I would let here keep the house 100% and pay child support. The house is paid off with no mortgage. She says she will forgo alimony, my pension, stocks, everything. However added all up it’s less than her portion of the house she would buy me out for. Dude you're going to get taken …
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 08:07 PM
1

We had an appraisal We is your issue. You need to hire your own appraiser. They work for YOU and you alone. They will go higher and you'll probably meet in the middle. Am I just wasting money So I was on the other side and bought out my ex. I paid $400 for my own. My ex used a bank appraisal for our house and it ended up being 75k over my hired appraisal. The $400 i spent saved me $37000 EDIT: other option is to say you need to sell the house and let the market decide the price and the threat of…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 09:11 PM
2

She says she don’t want to live together but seems like will not give divorce this easy either Are they accessing any benefit from you by being married (i.e. insurance, money, housing?) if so things will get hot once you go to take it away (AS you should)
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 06:46 PM
2

👍
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 06:45 PM
5

didn’t hear from my lawyer and I’ll believe it when the paperwork comes in. If your county has a clerk of courts site you could look it up.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 04:48 PM
5

Do I have to leave the sub? Stick around and provide advice and perspective for new folks. its what I've done.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 04:47 PM
2

If you both mutually agree to whatever you find fair, you only really need the judge to sign off on it. If you both agree you can just say we each keep our own stuff and split (asset here) however you want and be done. Note that courts, lawyers, judges, ect will NOT protect you from yourself if you're signing something thats lopsided (for your or your exs benefit).
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 01:14 AM
10

I get outside because of our dog we share but even contemplating shared custody of our doggo is hard to even contemplate right now. Im gonna offer some advice that wont be popular and I am also aware i'm saying this from a place of 'its not my dog' but do NOT do shared custody of a pet. You dont have kids with this person which is a GOD SEND. There is no reason to have them in your life after this and the dog is only going to drag it out and delay your healing. Come up with an amount of money yo…
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 03:27 PM
4

I got a giant stereo system, one I never had as I lived with others or apartments, and blast that thing so god damn loud the house shakes.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 04:18 PM
1

Adding on - not just for mental health. It's also WAY cheaper. A lawyer WILL listen to you and let you go on and on all at $400/hr. A therapist might be covered under employer insurance for next to nothing or a small copay per session.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 04:17 PM
1

I don’t want the moving far away from me (she’s vengeful and knows it’ll kill me) and that’s my biggest fear. Is there a limit of miles I can request so they don’t move far away You need a custody agreement asap. You DONT need to be divorced or have a decree to get a custody plan (and Child support order). Getting one on file, without tipping your hand WHY, is a good idea. If CA is anything like my state parents are basically locked in to staying within 25 miles of the other parent. And if one p…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 12:13 AM
1

LOL. Yes... "ewwww"
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 04:53 PM
3

Everyone on my exs side went no contact EXECEPT for some of the out of state family who still sends Christmas cards... addressed to both of us. My ew did not even tell her father she had moved out and was looking to divorce (I told him on charismas day when he called) so its not shocking she still has not told others (3 years sep, 1 div). Im riding it out to see how long I keep getting cards.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 03:40 AM
5

I'm in the right place to be getting out there, since it's even hard to have fun with my friends Let me guess... everything seems like "what is even the point?" when you're out? How I got though it was by telling all my friends "Please get me out of my house and make me do something even if you think I wouldn't do" and (this is the tough part) accept EVERY invitation out to do whatever that thing is. I did things I normally would NEVER have done and was previously on record with them as hating. …
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 07:15 PM
15

Can speak to this - you're doing what I didnt do - i went about it all backwards and only got a lawyer well after the fact as well as spending six months trying to save things. Smart things you've done: lawyer, evidence, you KNOW you're a mess mentally, and you havent said anything yet. I feel hopeless at the moment and my head is still spinning… Your first priority is getting your head right so you make better, and long term, choices. Therapist for emotional stuff. Lawyer for LEGAL (only!) stuf…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 08:52 PM
10

When the two older kids got back from school she announced either I leave the home or she will take them away and I'll have to go through court to see them. Should I give in I know father's have a hard time at court. Words of advice I wish I had gotten at the start: Understand that your wife does not have the power and control you might have convinced yourself she does. Odds are she is getting fed information from friends or other older people in her life who were divorced but it was 20-30+ year…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 03:03 AM
1

Outside of a lawyer I would recommend getting as much drafted as you can and THEN say divorce because once you say it you'll be tossing her life (lifestyle) into disarray and shen could freak out. This is for YOUR benefit so you move fast and maybe she just signs and you're done. I went too slow and did a parenting plan first, then decree, and it all got dragged out needlessly. So parenting plan, child support, spousal support, and division of assets and just hit her with it all at once (again i…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 07:05 PM
2

I’m so angry with myself for not knowing how to stop this snowball. There is nothing you could have done because whatever you did, it wouldnt have been good enough or done in the right way. WHat I mean is the goal posts would be moved. SHe was just too lazy to do what she wanted and it was a final 'here YOU do it' she gave you on her way out. Look at it this way: if you didnt file you would be in the same sitaition but still married/tied fiscally and then something would blow up and you would ha…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 04:13 PM
1

My wife thinks that she can have an appraiser come in and provide a number and then I should be forced to sell my interest in the house for that number. You can get your own appraisal done and if they go low a court is VERY likely to say 'meet in the middle' (and it doesn't have to be a trial, it can be via a judges recommendation at a pre-trial hearing).
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 11:25 PM
1

I'm in a two party consent state so that was a no-go.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 11:23 PM
1

All im saying is you should get it appraised. The other party does not have to know. If it comes in close to 500k, great. BUt it could be 425k or 575k. You said "just curious how other people did this." and we both went with our own appraisals. My ex used a bank appraisal for our house and it ended up being 150k over my hired appraisal. The $400 i spent saved me $75000. FUTURE you wont want to be nice, buying out or selling, and will only wish they got a better number at the time.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 11:19 PM
2

Let's say the home they bought together is paid off and worth 500K. ***NOTE: Both parties agree that the home is worth 500K. No need for further discussion on the valuation FULL STOP. Neither person will be happy with the final number so you need a 3rd party to get a real value of the home. And keep in mind a BANK valuation is not a SALE valuation. BEST case both people get an appraiser and roll the dice and split the value. WORST case EACH of them get an appraiser and meet in the middle. Whoeve…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 07:37 PM
2

And closing note - I'm thinking, I would usually talk to her about not being able to sleep, but I feel I cant, now. I feel alone. Maybe I'm not admitting how much this is affecting me. Get yourself a therapist... and a lawyer. The reason is you are NOT thinking right - neither in your 'relationship' mind or your legal one. KNOW THIS IS NORMAL. I was a god damn mess for almost a month and NOT being smart about things or planning long term. SOmetimes I was hour to hour. Basically you need someone …
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 07:32 PM
3

I wouldnt even do that. Ive had some stuff said in calls that ended up being "I NEVER said THAT" Email is the way to go. Its not hosted locally and there is metadata buried in the email so even if they delete the sent one you've got a record. "That sounds important, please send me an email" is my response to anything outside of idle chitchat when we're around one another at a kid event.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 07:29 PM
3

Did any of you feel like you were treated differently by friends and family? Most all of my friends, yes. Some backed off because my situation made them look at their own marriage. I had the smell of divorce on me and they didnt want to be near it. I do have some amazing friends who really stepped up and thank god for them. I have a small family (my side) and all were supportive so I was lucky. I feel disgusted knowing that most people hang around for their selfish needs. outside of children and…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 07:13 PM
4

• We break up, then reconnect later, and the cycle repeats. I want a stable relationship and eventually a family. Bluntly, it is not going to happen. Repeated breakups when you're dating are one thing. imagine getting married and now there is ANOTHER divorce... but he went though one already so he knows it is an option AND how to do it. Coming from a guy: If some repeatedly 'broke up' with me I would be gone. Youre in or you're out.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:15 PM
12

I told her last night and she didn't take it well, as expected. she expected you to be ok with the way things are and now her life/lifestyle is about to end. PLEASE tell us you have a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:11 PM
6

does the schedules and payroll for our company. LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER if you have a business things will get complicated
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:10 PM
2

Please do. Quick best tips: Lawyer for legal stuff therapist for emotional stuff (because they charge a $40copay and lawyer is $300-400/hr) DO NOT DRINK DO not move out Know your wife does not have the power and control you've convinced yourself she does. when in doubt SAY NOTHING
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 08:58 PM
4

Very emotional day so sorry for the scattered posting but any advice would be much appreciated You need to understand your ability to think is shot to hell. You will NOT be making good long term choices. You're in panic mode. THIS IS NORMAL. But the fact you KNOW you're not thinking right, you're a leg up there. First, As others have said you need a lawyer. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS. You need to get educated - find out your rights, responsibilities, outcomes, and obligations (for both o…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 06:12 PM
2

I'm done holding onto resentment and jealousy... and because I feel that I'm mentally stronger because I don't need booze, and meaningless sex to cover over and mask my pain. I sit in it, and I will overcome it. Maybe that makes me a pussy. no man that makes you a rational human being.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 05:58 PM
1

Spousal support sucks but there will be an end. After that its gravy. It sucks and I know its not apples to apples here but i make just over a 10th of what you make. I know there is a life downgrade but i dont even know what i would do with all that money.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 05:56 PM
8

OP if you haven't done so already give your kids teachers/principal a heads up here (just that this is happening and kids were told) and if you school has a social worker, them as well. Ask they keep an eye out for anything odd and it will also give the kids some extra grace at school if work suffers or things get problamitic.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 02:30 AM
3

She came clean, apologised repeatedly for her putting me through so much shit. only did this to make herself feel better and not for your benefit. She comes back with any emotional stuff i recommend telling her to keep to the business of divorce. Emotional support is a husband job - dont be her teddy bear.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 02:28 AM
2

Very welcome. I will say you do make a good point on the REFI - Had I had to take on a 6-7+ rate it might have forced a sale as it would be VERY tight and one big issue would be a nightmare.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 01:44 AM
2

if 28k is awardable OP must be making 550-650k a year and quitting would be INSANE
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 01:39 AM
3

How much is OP making where that is a awardable amount???? Even at 50% that would be a $670k a year salary.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 01:39 AM
1

Yes, both on the mortgage. Removing her was a nearly 9mo process but it worked out. Removal from the DEED - If that is all you have to do, my god, that is so easy in comparison. All you need is a quit claim deed filed -few bits of notarized paperwork with yoru county that could run $100-400 AT MOST. With you being the only one on the deed, its not just her buying you out... she is BUYING the house. SUPER hard for her depending on her credit, down payment, and what rate she could get. As I noted …
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 01:35 AM
11

I was able to ASSUME my mortgage - removed the ex and retained my rate. It was a long process and I did pay her out BUT the kids get the stability of the home and its value (thank god) has gone up. Its ALSO allotted me the designation of primary parent for purposes of school and limited my ex in how far away they can move (limited to 25m) so they kids dont have insane school commutes on her days. Finally, the house is HOME and her apartment is 'moms apartment'. It might be petty but she wanted o…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 01:31 AM
3

Next 'discussion' try this, just let her go and go. Don't reply. When there is finally a break in the convo say "You've given me a lot to think about". If she goes again, just say "Yes, I hear you and you've given me a lot to think about.". If she goes again after that reply with "That all sounds important. Could you please send me this in an email?" Its sucking the life out of me. The way to engage with people like this is to NOT engage. Yes it's a pain in the ass. You need to remember this per…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 04:37 PM
5

This. Not everything needs a reply. And for the love of GOD wait 24 hours to reply to anything when you do and keep it business only. Basically email only (so it cannot be 'lost') and never put anything down you dont want to see being projected on a 5ft screen in a court, being read by a lawyer, without context.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 03:01 AM
1

buddy call 988 if you're in the USA. People are there NOW to talk you though things.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 02:57 AM
14

Tell (dont ask) people in your life to STOP sending you anything about her. Its trauma shopping and not good for you long term.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 05:57 PM
2

Here is a few comment I made dealing with house stuff, maybe it will be useful (two other comments linked insid): https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ppr7ll/custody_plan/nurj64o/
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 05:54 PM
1

Holidays are rough so don't hold that against yourself. I don’t know how to do this anymore I'm here to tell you a few years later, you WILL make it. At the start it is a nightmare. This will be the hardest thing in your life but , again, you WILL be ok. Lawyer. Dont drink. Questions, please ask.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 05:52 PM
7

neither op/wife have filed and he is sole income. moving out would be very very bad.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 05:18 AM
26

We’re still living together and neither of us has filed or anything of the sort. and It’s hard to see her talking to other people smiling and laughing at her phone all of the time. and I completely support the whole household financially. Listen man, I'm gonna be real blunt here but you need to hear it: Your marriage is over AND you're getting taken for a ride. I understand where your mind is right now. You're thinking if you just let her get this out of her system it will all go back to the way…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 05:16 AM
4

but she wants to sell for half the appreciated value! Can you pay her out what is essentially 25% of her equity then? IF you do have to sell absolutely do not take a low ball offer from a buyer just so she gets money faster. If you're buying her out and she wont take a low offer you need to get an appraisal that YOU hire/have done as they work for you (i.e. will go low). EDIT: until someone files this is just a fight so do not do anything you're unwilling to do unless its ordered or already agre…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 06:29 PM
2

Send her parents your proof. IMO if you do this, do it AFTER the divorce is over. It sucks but you need to play nice because some people will burn it all down if they feel like they have no good way out. THAT SAID - if OP has proof low key infer you have it and COULD drop it at any moment. it forces them to be on good behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 03:09 PM
2

You're welcome. I hope to save people time/money/stress. If you ever have questions please ask.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 02:22 AM
2

I also kept my home. THings to prepare for your ex will NOT take your appraisal seriously. They will think the house is worth 15-20% more than it shows and will get their own appraiser. Be prepared to meet those numbers in the middle. with you keeping the house it would sorta make you the default parent (for the purposes of school - you would be the 183 of the 183/182 day split). SOME people can see this as unacceptable and she might fight for more than 50/50 for a moral victory. It also prevent…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 10:45 PM
1

My tip is to save all the 'home' bs like laundry, shopping, cleaning, yard, ect for the days you're solo. Who is staying in the home? The reason I ask is either way YOU need to get your own appraisal. They work for you. if you're buying your ex out, they go low, if you're being bought out, they go high.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 07:53 PM
2

I have them every wed/thur, ex has them every mon/tue. We swap Fri-Sa-Su. There have been a few days we moved things around and holidays/breaks tend to mix it up as well. Here are some custody tips that cost me a ton to learn, maybe it will save you some cash: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1iqbber/comment/mcywewe That said, if you're looking at 50/50 (183/182 day split) remember that TIME is now your ultimate commodity. Its the one thing you will NEVER make more of. Say your kid is 1…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 07:02 PM
2

But that would give me the most transparency for work. the other parents schedule is not longer a factor any chance you give your ex to screw you they will take it Im 2-2-5-5 so I have 5 day stretches solo. THats probably about the best you'll get. Now what you can also do is work in Right of First refusal. I.e. if you're not able to execute your time you give the other parent the first chance at taking the time, then you get a sitter/accommodations.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 05:02 PM
2

Had similar thinking. This said do NOT sign it all over. Givers need limits, takers have none. It wont ever be enough for your ex so (imo) the ONLY reason to give more money is to buy more time/custody with your kids. Dont screw future you because current you wants to be generous or try and buy her of.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 07:58 PM
4

Good luck. Things will get complicated for a while. First few months suck, I wont lie. The major expenses of my divorce were all due to me taking the bait on things and quick arguments over, what I now see, was dumb BS not worth my time. I really cannot stress enough that moving communication to email and waiting is a game changer. IN person conv? "send me an email" and walk off. Text? Reply in a email (re: text 12/15 house question), Call? NEVER answer. Always communicate with the underlying th…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 07:00 PM
5

She’s asking that I pay for all of it, while she stays there for a few years, and gets the kids settled and stuff moved out and sell the house. Right off the bat what she is asking for is unreasonable so you are getting a free tip off here she cannot be reasoned with on anything. Congrats. Now you know your game plan. But she refuses to move out (she filed for divorce, not me). And is now threatening to change the filing from “no fault” to “cruelty” and threatened to claim emotional abuse if I d…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 06:35 PM
7

I will be speaking with a lawyer soon. Not to put to fine a point on this but soon needs to be in the next 24-48 hours. SHe's positioning herself to you coming home to a sheriff at your door and a DV order saying you have to be out and wont be seeing your kids. Listen man, this person knows ALL your buttons and WILL press them. She knows things are not going to go fully her way here and she is panicking and the only way she can regain control here is for YOU to screw up so watch out. She WILL tr…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 05:32 PM
8

Her parents divorced when she was young and it was BAD. Mother and Father issues. She drew on both her parents experiences and applied to to our life, and later the divorce. It was a mess. If I had know the relationships she REALLY had with her parents when we were dating I might have bailed.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 03:18 PM
2

Oh yeah, get your own if you haven't. I bought out my ex and saved my house. My appraisal came in nearly 40k under her so for the cost of the appraisal ($500) I saved 20k
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 10:27 PM
2

Have you (or her) had it appraised yet? Understand that with her getting a buy out she wants the home as expensive as possible. Expect her to ask for an appraisal from someone she hires (so they will go high). You need your own and you need it LOW so when you both have one you meet in the middle.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 03:05 PM
2

This gets easier, right? yes. I went from DREDING seeing my ex (at the time stbx) and it would make my heart race and ruin my day to now, just sitting there smiling because its done. I barely note her being there. I used to try and keep an open seat by me so the kids could find us together. Now? Oh well. And its not like she wants to sit by me anyway. Just be there for your kids and have them see you when they are doing their thing. After, big hugs and "im proud of you" Treat your ex like anothe…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 03:03 PM
5

Two party consent states: WA, CA, NV, MT, IL, PA, MD, DE, MA, NH, FL' All others are one part consent (i.e. only you can know and its fine) As always, check with your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 02:58 PM
2

Very welcome. Check if you have the met life legal plan though your work. Its like $40/mo and they do divorce stuff (however its gonna be bargain basement as the attorneys aren't being paid a ton). You can also borrow up to 50k from your 401k and pay yourself back - https://www.empower.com/the-currency/work/401k-loan - WORST case you use 10k from that on a attorney. Not a great option BUT its better than nothing if you have no cash to pay for a lawyer. Lawyer rates run, generally, 300-500/hr. IF…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 02:49 PM
1

My question would be regarding moving back in. If we divorce I'm obviously not gonna live there. So why should I move back in? You need to establish overnights with your kid. 50/50 custody is 183/182 days (one parent named primary for home residency for school). If you wont move in you need to start overnights with your kid wherever you are. The longer you're 0 overnights the more she can make the case of "I've been the only overnight parent for the last 12+months so I want to make the request f…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 08:43 PM
1

401ks are going to be split but marital amounts (contributions/growth) only. There is no magic number of years to hit.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 08:31 PM
3

Is it really worth it? Here is the thing: if you wife wants a divorce you cannot force her to remain married. If neither of you have filed this is just a fight. But if she is adamite she wants this AND has not filed you MUST assume she is prepping. she could be banking cash. Check your statements/pay and hers if you know it and see where EVERY dime is going. If she already has accounts you dont know about its happening Establishing a status quo. The court will want to keep things the same for th…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 06:18 PM
2

The only legal fees you can 'write off' are related to employment, whistleblower, and civil rights legal fees and Business legal costs (if you're dealing with a legal issue with your business). Divorce is considered PERSONAL in expense so it cannot be deducted. The US tax code would need to be changed. Call your congressional rep or senator if you're looking to get the ball rolling on anything.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 06:06 PM
16

They never will. Even if they do they will convince themselves what they did is the best because if they know they wrecked things they wont want to confront that. I dont know i think i just needed to vent and get this out into the ether. VENT AWAY, it absolutely helps.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 02:52 PM
3

The youngest, at 7, gave her a birthday card a couple months ago when we were in the thick of it- inside the card it simply said "I want to live with dad". jesus. My take away from this (and have thought the same about my now ex) is watch out when your wifes parent(s) die. The dynamic my ex has with hers, I think there is a 90+% chance she is going to go off the deep end.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 04:00 PM
2

OH man that is one hell of god awful situation and you have my sympathy. Is there any indication from your wife she's just letting things cool off so she can bank money and drop a divorce on you? As other said she could file whenever and then you're paying her support anyway. This said: You're playing the long game here and will come out best LONG Term with your kids when they are all older. I'm sure you'll be the one getting calls and visits and mom will get maybe a text on her birthday.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 08:31 PM
20

It like a little kid with a toy: She was done with you but also wanted you on a shelf never to be 'used' again and now someone is playing with her old toy and she's upset.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 07:03 PM
3

Can you separate, move out and live separate lives without getting divorced? For all intents and purposes, you ARE separated. All it will take is one of her friends to get in her ear and then SHE files and OP is screwed.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 04:06 PM
3

What are your states rules/guidelines on when a child can choose who they live with? I'm in a state that mandates until 18 so I had to treat the custody stuff with kid gloves. THAT SAID - I know while im 50/50 on paper there will come a point where my ex wont be able to drag a 150lb teen into a car at an exchange they dont want to go to. I guess what im asking is have you thought out the odds of 50/50 and then the younger kids just telling mom to f-off BUT you tell your ex you wont go back for a…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 04:05 PM
2

When I talked with the lawyer she said to just file the divorce and hold off on custody right now. She said I hold all the power and shouldn’t rock the boat. Happy to hear you've got a good attorney who knows their stuff! For me I couldn’t care less about the money. I just want to provide a comfortable, safe, and stable space for my child. Great attitude to have. I'm sure you/your lawyer are planning for it but if not: at some point your stbx might wake up (either they get a lawyer or have peopl…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 03:48 PM
2

will be filing for divorce here in the next few weeks. I already have a post nuptial signed, my child stays with me every night, and I’ve already talked with a lawyer about custody(best in my city and said leave everything as is right now). Talk with your lawyer about filing Child Support post divorce (if advisable)- sometimes when one party allows the other parent 100% custody and then sees they will owe CS they change their mind.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 07:47 PM
1

I’d say doing all the “firsts” without her has been very tough on me. Three years out here and one year divorced - doing it all the first time sucks but its MUCH easier after that.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 06:30 PM
2

Its good you're level headed. All the cost of my divorce was due to making fast emotional replies until i learned to move it all to email and wait a day. Hope things work out how you need them too!
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 08:44 PM
5

lawyer cease all communication with her (and anything you do email only and BUSINESS ONLY) when push comes to shove your older HS age kid will (your state permitting) have more of a say and good luck to mom trying to physically restrain/control a teen On point 2: keeping it business only is the way to go. NEVER address drama. Not everything needs a response. Remember when your blood pressure is rising and you're pissed, THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTs - you emotional and making quick reactions/replies. T…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 04:30 PM
3

FIRST AND FORMOST: You need a FAMILY LAW divorce Lawyer. You CANNOT DIY this. SECOND: what do the kids want? You want to be fighting JUST your ex here and not 2-3 kids because they will resent it. Please give tips how to best gain full custody. As the guy its a LONG road for that. You're going to need a ton of documenting AND mom to be a complete mess. If she's able to play herself off as a competent parent you're in a for a lot of expense/fighting. Verbal abuse probably wont be enough unless yo…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 04:23 PM
1

I have kids and we came to an agreement where we both carry $400k on ourselves with the children named as beneficiaries (in a trust managed by the other parent). Once a year we're supposed to provide proof of the payment/policy. I have done mine but she keeps dragging her feet on documentation. Basically I have it set up that I'm betting on myself dying. In hindsight we should have carried the OTHERS policy so we would be betting on the OTHER person dying (thus giving both us an incentive to pay…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 04:18 PM
1

Another tip: Have something in there that both parties inform the other of their selected week by a set date (example May 1) so you'll both have time to plan/book travel if needed. Also it lets you know when YOU have an off week where you can do whatever.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 04:40 PM
3

its not about what is 'fair' only what is legally agreed on. She doesnt have the power over this process you think she does seperate your income asap.... hell, clear out your checking/savings and stash them AND admit to it so the court says "pay her 1/2" during the process or at the end otherwise you'll be 'splitting' next to nothing. Things you think are the end of the world will be hand waived away by the courts you're going to have to eat some shit during the process - dont let the little los…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 09:57 PM
8

She travels a ton for work and leisure. Like every month or multiple trips per month. I stay home. I handle the kiddo. I also state I’m happy to coordinate maturely with a schedule that benefits her and I both but kid is number one. The order in which you need to operate priority in your life Kid you (((several million people here))) your wife As long as you're still doing husband BS she will take advantage of it. She cant have it both ways. And if shes trying to get you out you ABSOLUTLY need t…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 05:35 PM
7

Depending on your text app you can mute a person/thread and even hide it. She's getting a dopamine hit off sending and a bigger one when you reply. Slowing communication (waiting a day) delays the hit and when she composes a novel and you reply with "I understand, exchange at 8am" and ignore all the needless bs so will eventually back off and stop sending crap. Or one can hope. My Ex would do the same and finally one day I flat out said "I'm not interested in your thoughts on anything other than…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 05:30 PM
3

both are kids are 18-19 I gotta assume they have phones. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could text (both same time) and say "Hey I know you're at your moms but I would love to see you both - Can we go grab a quick lunch?" You'll have made the effort and even if you get a no or no reply they will see you've tried. i wish i was working so i didnt have to sit through anotner one by mu self . Cliche but volunteer at a mission/church kitchen for the holidays
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 04:28 PM
13

She keeps telling me how sorry she is and knows that she messed up but I’m at a good point and just want to be left alone. move ALL your communication to email. If she texts reply in an email (RE: Text 11/25 holiday swap) and let her know "Text is only for last minute exchange logistics and emergency's. Moving forward I will no longer reply to any text" Anything non-kid related gets "Please limit the communication to our children and all related issues." and DO not address any non-kid thing. WAi…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 04:22 PM
7

What is wrong with me. I’m not 19 anymore. To be behaving like that. I’m not 25 anymore. Your brain has been deprived of chemicals. Seriously. There is a BIOLOGICAL change going on in your head right now with your brain trying to re-wire itself. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6037618/ We're logical creatures but also emotional, and at the end of the day biological - it can take a TON of effort to counter act letteral chemical reactions going on in your head. And if you want to be angry…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 05:12 PM
2

Any idea why she’d suddenly start this BS? If someone you didnt like gave you the relatively easy chance to cost them $5000, you might do what OPs ex is doing.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 05:21 PM
6

INSTA! https://trends.google.com/trends/explore?geo=US&q=divorce%20lawyer,%2Fm%2F0glpjll&hl=en-US Hard to see because Instagram's footprint is huge but you can see the bubble up for divorce lawyer when insta spikes. Also around the start of the school year. Maybe people were out there saying get a divorce when your kids are in school now. My thought: Five and six year olds (covid kids) are now hitting all day pre-k and kindergarten so that is the spike - parents have all day (somewhat) care for …
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 03:46 PM
19

Like weirdly within months of marriage. Once she had what she wanted, she wanted something else
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/25 05:15 PM
1

My wife has stated she is not going to go back to work ever and refuses to enroll the children in an actual school. Until someone files this is just a fight and you're a parent so YOU can start the process on getting them enrolled. Which I would be doing now if no one has filed yet. Your wife WILL be hit with a cold does of reality eventually here the trick is you're not the one telling her because she will think its BS and then resent you when it comes to pass. As other said, you absolutely nee…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/25 02:53 PM
3

I've now started a to-do list to track all the things that need changing/canceling. Phone, Utilities, Internet provider, Lease are the big ones prob. You're also going to want to see what is going on with your cars. They have equity if you've been paying on them/own them outright. If you want to keep it simple you both keep your respective cars but if you're on both/hers you need to get off the loan as its on your credit. There are plenty of stories here of an ex just stopping paying on a loan a…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 09:20 PM
3

I am willing to give every ounce of energy I have to fix this. I'm still in therapy, I've got a coach at work, I'm willing to go to couples counselling. Whatever she needs, I will do it, probably even against my best judgement at times. I've never felt so attracted, loyal and committed to a person. Sure, there could be some attachment dependency accusations, but I don't think that's accurate. I LOVE this person. and I don't know what to do. I'm sad. I am so frightened. You 100% need legal repres…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 07:51 PM
10

First off - If shes willing to buy you out of the least and give you the dog, and she only takes a few things DO IT. The quicker you're away from her and time apart will help immensely. SHes in the affiar fog right now and thinking two days ahead. The last thing you want is her thinking years ahead and doing the math how much money she can milk out of you. The question: What did you guys do and what did you wish you did in the first few days after finding out? Gotten a lawyer asap. I did retain …
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 04:42 PM
13

My ex moved out and it was, hands down, the BEST thing they did during the divorce. Time away from this person will help you way more than you know.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 04:08 PM
13

Help me understand The sad fact of the matter is you're never going to get any real logical answer here, or closure. I'm sorry. And deep down, even if you got a explanation from her you wouldn't trust it or think its 'not a real answer' I don’t think she is an evil person. My best guess is that she was so selfless in her life (always putting others first) that rather then confront me about some of her concerns, she bottled it up, grew resentful and made really poor choices. You're still too clos…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 04:44 PM
2

Man what a waste (for your ex). Some people really fumble the bag in life.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 03:23 PM
2

I hope you get it!!
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 03:22 PM
2

Well, if you havent done so already, lock your credit. And your kids! Long term its more than just money. Your child already sees mom for what she is and you probably already know years from now if she comes calling your child will probably tell her to f-off and want nothing to do with her. THAT is the real price to be paid.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 10:16 PM
2

I guess you need to ask if you'll end up spending the 70k slowly or if its best for a trial, if your ex is just gonna drag crap out. That or you go after them for court/attorney costs.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 10:13 PM
1

Does the reason for adjourning the summary judgement seem justified, when it is her side not filing or showing up? Bluntly: Reasons mean nothing here and how anyone of us feel about the fairness of this process are not factored into things. Its BS but 'feelings' arent going to be consdiered by the courts. This just seems to be an effort to completely drain me, and bankrupt me. Opinions about process, and other possible tactics to shut this all down would be appreciated. Can you push for a trial?
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 03:35 PM
16

take: Half of my time with my kids and A quarter million dollars (retirement account/cost of lawyers/expenses)' give: appreciation for the time I do have with them and a new perspective on what things cost/money can do. $120 for a dinner out with the kids? Well thats "one email" in cost lol
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 03:32 PM
1

also /r/DivorcedDads
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 05:19 PM
3

The way to interreact there is give strait facts devoid of the emotion, if you're posting or replying, and try and be gender neutral. Never engage with someone who is bringing their emotions into someone elses question/post. The sub is larger and people spill their guts with all the details because they are at the start and a complete mess. And I honestly don't hold it against them - no one is thinking right at the on set. That said, there are people who ONLY show up to impose their divorce and …
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 05:19 PM
3

support isn't yours or owed to you, its for an equalization of incomes and for your kids. current you might feel bad about this. FUTURE you wants you to request a calc be done and money sent at any point either of you can 'true up' the support - you might get a job that makes more and she would pay less, or she might get several raises and you can then request more. Some folks exchange income info each year or few years (pay info/taxes) others just play a game of chicken. Listen man, kids are ex…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 08:55 PM
2

My rec for folks is get a totally new email, enable TFA, and then move EVERYTHING to that email. Even things as mundane as utilities, library log ins, and grocery store discounts can tell people more info than you might think (i.e. when you're home via elec usage, what books you're reading, and what you're buying). I did a fill reset on all sorts of crap and was shocked the amount of access/info one could broadcast if they didnt realize it. Also ive read some stories here about people getting ac…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 04:44 PM
18

The people you tell EVERYTHING: Your lawyer, your therapist, your doctor People you tell almost everything: life long friends (yours only) and family (the ones who do not interact with your ex) Everyone else gets basic info. FYI mutual friends WILL pick sides and if they knew your ex first, they wont pick you. DO NOT put anything on social media, in an email, or text or over the phone. In person conversations only. Anything you write down or could be recorded could be displayed on a screen in a …
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 04:39 PM
11

One email will run you $90-100 so remember that. And that is just YOUR email to your lawyer. They email the other lawyer ($100), who emails your wife, who emails back, and then your lawyer reads it ($100) and then emails you back ($100). So one thing could be $350-400. My suggestion is move to a parenting app (my family wizard) which has features to remove emotion from replies AND keeps it all on record. No matter what you do DO NOT address/reply to anything considered emotional. JUST BUSINESS.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 02:51 PM
2

advice around making time, presents, what emotions to expect, what totally went sideways the first year, etc. Dont try and over do it with gifts. You're only buying for one parent so dont get two parents worth of gifts The time you're alone, be out of the house if you can because sitting in front of a charismas tree solo sucks. Only stuff that went sideways was kids being dropped off at 11pm on Christmas even despite it being agreed at 5pm. Across the board - DO NOT DRINK (alone or when you're w…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 09:20 PM
15

Not all my friends know about my situation as I want to wait Tell your friends. You dont have to give them all the details. Ask them to get you out of the house. Take them up on every offer. And as an aside, stop all your drinking. No one ever drank their way out of this and it wont make ANYTHING about it any better. Youll save money, feel better, and you wont provide any ammo should things get hot. Dont "not" do things because you think it would upset your ex. And start thinking of her like tha…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 08:22 PM
3

I never wanted the divorce and I am not in the right mind right now to make these decisions. Same here. You're doing better than me though because it took me SIX MONTHS to realize this. Unsolicited advice: Once she knows you got a lawyer this WILL get hot. Move your communication with her to a single channel (email only) and WAIT 24 HOURS to reply to ANYTHING (and not everything needs a reply). All the big costs of my divorce was due to me making fast emotional replies because she was pushing my…
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 07:45 PM
3

I made a post several months ago: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1m396s3/do_i_need_a_lawyer_should_i_get_a_lawyer_were/ Quickly, Yes, you need a lawyer. I agree with 80% of what her lawyer wrote up. Once you push back on the 20% you have an issue with she will consider it game on because right now you're rolling over on things. I do want to ask for more of the equity in our home, 50/50 and she offered about 50k less then I think I should get. You're not asking here - At the end of the…
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 05:33 PM
8

Here is some harsh stuff you NEED to hear Is my stbxw being cruel? Or am I being crazy? I have the financial means to keep us together. What you're asking to do is exist in a zombie marriage because you're tying, desperately, to hold on to what you had. For YOUR sake, do not do this. Listen man, at the start our brains are pudding and we are NOT making good long term decisions. WHat you're asking isnt possible and EVEN IF she said yes the first day she brings a guy home you're gonna go insane. T…
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 02:38 PM
1

How many days can you do? Could you do 50/50 if it came to it? I only ask because, imo, time is the ultimate commidty. not to save on CS but to be in the childs life and be there for them. In a way you're buying time here. THAT SAID - if you cna do 50/50 and want to do 50/50 your ex is ONLY going to think you're doing it to save on CS so, again imo, mediation wont go anywhere. If she is dead set on days or a dollar amount you're NEVER going to budge her. Its not about what she is giving up but w…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 05:52 PM
5

I wish I had listed to all of the advice in this sub sooner Please dont beat yourself up on this point. At the start we're all a god damn mess and not thinking right. The point is you took it and and maybe used some of it when you were doing better.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 05:02 PM
5

Btw my ex wife had tracked my phone and I didn’t realize. New phone, new email, move ALL account logins to the new email. And I mean ALL. People find out BS via utilities, amazon shopping, spotify, and all sorts of things you would never think of.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/25 11:20 PM
1

I don’t want the house she does and can have it it doesn’t feel like my house anymore. (200k equity) Get your 100k and HOW she does it/takes over the house is NOT your problem. I basically want to negotiate a lower monthly payment. Dont trade anything away for no child support or less because either of you can go back and ask for true-up. You can agree on whaever your want and the second the ink is dry on she will refile for a new calc of CS. Run the calc and make peace with what it says. Get yo…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 08:00 PM
7

No alcohol or drugs. Never drink on emotions. Only makes it worse. Outside of getting a lawyer and therapist, not drinking is the best thing you can do. Adding #11: SEPERATE YOUR INCOME IMMEDITLY. And if you're carrying her on insurance ask she pay for her part of the deductible.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 07:58 PM
10

She will want (expect!) all the benefits of your marriage right up to the end, and even then past it. If she doenst want to be married she doesnt have to be BUT she cannot have it both ways. I can buy her out of the house and move on towards a new happiness. She can’t afford a house, and anyway there probably isn’t anything available on a short term. HOw she manages post divorce is NOT your issue. You buying her out will be dumping a ton of cash onto her lap. She can figure it out. You MUST lose…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 03:51 PM
6

At least Peg was hot.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 03:48 PM
16

My exw said she saw one particular divorced friends life as "amazing". It was because she had 60/40, got a shit ton of CS, kept the family home, and would dump their ONE kid off on her ex anytime she wanted to do anything (dad wanted all the time he could get so I understand there) and have their family helping at every turn. I dont know if my ex has an amazing life now but they have none of that (I kept the house, do 50/50, rec CS as my ex makes more, and she only has her mother helping her rig…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 03:47 PM
6

You dont have to get past any of that, with her. Just get above it for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 05:17 PM
3

I honestly don’t care if I end up losing more money in the divorce than I should have. Don't hand over more than you're required to. Current you is running on emotions (and that is understandable). Future you is thinking clearly.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 06:23 PM
4

You need to speak with a lawyer immodestly, even if you are not intending to file. You need to set emotions aside and think practically. You put a warning shot over her bow. If she were to come to reddit and lay out things from her side everyone would be telling her to get a lawyer and file first. You need to find out your options, expectations on things, and possible outcomes. You must assume she will lawyer up and is now planning for a divorce to happen. BEST case you get educated and you need…
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 04:41 PM
1

my girlfriend of 6 years and we have a daughter of 1.7y old A lot of your post involves money and things. Your first priority right now needs to be a custody agreement. At not even 2 you're going to have to deal with this woman for the next 16 years, at a minimum. More likely the next 20. I never got any appreciation for what i did and now i'm getting the 'i never asked for it' answers. You'll never get what sort of closure you want and even IF you got answers they would be BS anyway. If you're …
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 04:23 PM
2

It’s a bad discard and she tells me she’s done with me, doesn’t want to talk to me unless it’s about the children. I did nothing other than disagree with her on a few things over time and her resentment built. So here is the deal man, you're currently satan and there is nothing that is going to change that. Your house could be on fire and you could pull her out from under a burning wall and you're still gonna be a POS to her. So save your breath on anything. With teens, them retreating inward is…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 06:58 PM
2

Any practical ways to keep it fair Ill just address this - NOTHING about any of this is fair. Let that be on your mind, first and foremost. As others said - secure the money. If you have a joint account, move half. If you're worried you'll get yelled at (by her/lawyers/court) that's about all that will happen. Yelled at. SHe will get that treatment for cleaning you out. BEST case you might get recouped but YOU will have to pay to make it happen via lawyer/court action (and that crap adds up). As…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 06:53 PM
1

Hell, secure ALL of it - better to ask forgiveness than permission. We had a joint checking account pushing 30k. I didnt move anything at all (like a moron) and in the end we 'split' 7k. I should have moved 15 or just ALL of it, gotten bitched at, and then wrote a check for their 15.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 06:50 PM
1

I know who my true friends are This process really does a number who really has our backs
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 03:46 PM
9

My attorney says to make a clean cut, which is the position that I have presented, but I'm interested in other opinions. You are PAYING your lawyer for legal advice. Listen to this person. Everyone in here is saying the same thing, either from experience or regret. I was given time to assume my home and it came down to the wire and my ex was chomping at the bit to blow it all up. IF you do this you MUST make it iron clad that anything you're supposed to pay in support goes to the home. Additiona…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 02:09 PM
5

You're going to have to take it back to court. Also if your ex is savy they have started this process: https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction/prevention/passport-issuance-alert-program.html
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/25 02:04 PM
2

She had your attention for all those years and then you gave it to your kids. If she was like my ex that was a part of it - they self admitted they got upset with me because I would make the kids a priority.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/25 02:02 PM
1

I hear you on that. I don't regret anything I did for their mom mostly just how it ended. Was it appreciated? Prob not. But looking back I was doing it for the kids as well as myself. Sucks but I can't go back and undo things AND i can tell myself I did the best I could. Even if you think they arent grateful, they are. You'll get some art work or a note and find it says 'best dad' or something. Thats how they show gratitude.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 09:47 PM
2

Now is double dad mode when I got the kids and a bunch of free time I try to fill and work on myself. I'm sad things ended like they did but i'm trying to move forward for my kids and myself.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 09:45 PM
3

Very similar here and commented as such (separate comment in this post). I REALLY love being a dad and always thought "if she sees me being a great father, she will appreciate that and respect me for it". So many other women in my life took notice of the effort and said my wife must love me for it. Wrong. Later was flat out told by her that 'dad' stuff wasn't something she was even remotely attracted to. It was something she considered I had to do and wanted to be romanced like when we were dati…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 03:50 PM
4

Willing to admit I got complacent about still 'dating' my wife. We both did, really. Covid didn't help but that isn't an excuse. My ex told me, towards the end, "I'm bored". I took it as she was bored in that moment, but really it was a broader bored because we were just being parents/roommates. That said, I know it wasn't on me alone to make magic happen. Via mutual friends she was complaining and they said tell me but her reply was "he should figure it out". Well, I didn't.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 03:46 PM
1

3 kids 26, 21 & 16 all living at home. and I always worked two jobs but still barely made the bills, between raising 3 kids and her only occasionally working. Addressing this: Time for the 26 year old to fly. The 21 year old, are they in college? Can they start to contribute. They are of an age where there is an expectation they start to help (for sure the 26 year old if they are still getting free food/housing/utilities) Really your big concern is the 16 year old.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/25 03:19 PM
2

I know this will sound nuts but you will be ok. I was you three years ago and I thought my life was crashing down around me. People said I would be ok and I thought they were insane because at the time I was in total damage control mode, not eating, running on a few hours of sleep, and a complete and utter mess. As hard as it is to accept things are over BUT that 1 doesnt mean you have to like it and 2 you need to pull it together for your kids. THEY are all that matter right now and you're no g…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/25 07:05 PM
5

I feel like she’s not living in reality. We’re not rich by any means and I just don’t get how she’s not thinking about how we’re actually going to separate our lives and not just our emotions. She's not. And you're not either. Until one of you files this is just a huge fight. You're both playing a game of chicken here - she wont file because she knows it's going to be bad for her fiscally and you wont file because you're hanging on to what you have. BOTH of you want the other to file because you…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/25 06:16 PM
6

I've said it to many folks here on reddit and a few people IRL ive spoken to about divorce - if there is any proof/information you want to get you need to do it immediately because passwords will get changed. Also get a totally new email and move all your stuff to THAT email. Log out of Everything and change passwords on EVERYTHING. ANYTHING someone has access to is a window into your life. Its more than email........... amazon (shopping, payment info, addresses), utilities (usage at certain tim…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/25 02:23 PM
8

Hugh photography person here. I probably had 30-40k photos from our time dating through the kids. I untagged my ex. For the sake of the kids I won't delete anything but I cannot bring myself to look at anything before they left because I get upset. I have most backed up on storage but going though the google photos and deleting would take forever and just wreck me... so I dont look. Maybe some day I will. But NOT looking is for the best.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/25 02:58 PM
2

No - if acquired before the marriage its all on her. And even if it was during the marriage YOU dont get the education/degree. The only time one could make the case is if they are paying someone support via their income from the degree.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 07:11 PM
7

She must know this has disaster written all over it. YOU know it is one so be ready to set a VERY hard line when it comes to you only doing things for your biological kids only.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 03:28 PM
13

Part of divorce is losing the other family as well. Long term its best to just go no contact. Sucks? Yes. But for your mental health you need to do it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 03:25 PM
6

Marriage these days requires making a woman happy for the life of the relationship which is crazy because who can live up to that??? Of the many things I try to instill in my kids is the idea that it is not anyone's job to make another person solely happy. Happiness comes from within and if you're not happy it is not because of someone else (barring abuse). One of the reasons my marriage fell apart was my ex saying they werent happy, they were bored, and they didnt feel like they WE (myself and …
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 03:17 PM
1

You're very welcome!
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 06:08 PM
3

I cried a lot. More than I ever have in my life. Frankly, after every really good cry, I felt better. The timeline math Ive seen is its gonna take you one month for every year you've know the person to get your head back to where it was pre-divorce. So if you've known her for 18 years, a year and a half. Last thing I did was tell my friends to get me out of the house. Even if I wasnt loving what I was doing I wasnt hating it so I exposed myself to stuff Wouldn't have normally done. Remember that…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 02:40 PM
2

Fair assessment
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 01:49 PM
21

ex told me her divorced friends lives all "look so amazing". Well they did because the guys they divorced rolled over on practically everything. I did not. Now i'm resented for it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/25 09:11 PM
10

you need to speak with a lawyer immediately. We're talking before the weekend if you can. DO NOT tell your wife (once she knows you have one she should/will get one as well). Use a phone at work, new email, and pay in cash if you must. You need to get educated about the process, expectations, and outcomes. Until someone files you're just having a fight. All money is marital money. All debit is marital debt. Consider locking down things - be ready to move cash/your paycheck to a new account. Cons…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 03:50 PM
6

Sadly i talked to a couple of lawyers who said I need to be prepared to be bent over a barrel. Over ten years and in CA... yeah, you're in real trouble here. Dont just chat with some lawyers. Have a serious long term discussion and make a plan. You need to get your wife working if she is not doing so already. It feels like my choices are retire and live with someone I hate, or get divorced but be forced to keep working like a dog to pad someone else’s bank account Third option: retire, wait a ye…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/25 06:47 PM
13

I think it’s mostly financial. Trust your guy. 10 months later, its probably more about missing what you provided via income and lifestyle than you as a person.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 06:47 PM
2

The fight is trying to get to the finish line. You're running but your legs are caught up in things: money, the ex, lawyers, the process, court, whatever. Meanwhile you just want it to be over. Some days any and all of the above are, to you, slowing things down. The trick is to just look at the end as the goal and anything that is causing you stress/slowing the process as a thing you need to work though. It can be overwhelming if you only think here and now. Aim PAST the end and you'll get throu…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 02:00 PM
1

Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 01:55 PM
2

Strait and to the point: you cheating was the ultimate betrayal and she will forever hold that against/over you. Flip side: nothing you say/do will ever get her out of that mindset so don't even bother trying. To your questions: During the process and frankly I'm fine with it. "I'm happy to always cover my portion of any expenses related to the children when it is appropriate however we both need to be involved in these choices before there is decisions made and a fiscal commitment without any i…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 01:26 AM
2

Encourage them to strategize to live equally, 50/50 with their spouse, so they are not taken to the cleaners. Having someone fiscally reliant on you OR being fiscally reliant on someone else (man or woman, either side being the one with the cash) is not something I would want for my kids if they got married. When they get older I want to hammer home it needs to be pretty equal financially or there are going to be problems.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/25 03:59 PM
2

Everyone says get a lawyer but by the time we go to court, which I think we will, I’ll have no money left. Would you rather give a lawyer some now and have no money at the end but some legal help, or do nothing, have no money, and NO legal anything? First and foremost: You need a lawyer and YOU need to file. Screw mediation if you can avoid it. File Sooner rather than later. This is a shot over your bow and things will get dirty so just do it. Until anyone files you're just having a expensive fi…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/25 03:42 PM
9

She is afraid I will leave the country if we divorce ( I was born outside) and I told her I would never leave her and the kids, that I will live close by and always be there for them. You're framing it like she will get full custody. You need to put yourself in the mindset of 50/50 at a minimum. You will NEVER get the time back. EDIT: DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/25 03:03 PM
1

I have a friend who had their ex pay half the loans because they got spousal support from the other party, due to a higher income from the education. If she hits you up for massive support be ready to make that case (due to you having more). OR present less support and she is not on the hook for your loans. But either offer might get laughed at. What you DONT want is all your loans AND paying out the wazoo in support.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/25 04:48 PM
7

it will absolutely get better and once you realize she was with another guy you're going to look at her and be grossed out.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/25 02:21 PM
16

My soon to be ex-wife just texted me that I was always second to her parents. I told her so that puts our kids 3rd in line then? Very important bit of advice here: Do not communicate about anything other than your kids AND, if you can, move it all to email. Phones get lost and people will say texts are fake. Text battles NEVER end well. The next text you get, unless its short term about picking up a kid, reply via email (Ie. RE: Text 09/16 School Band) and remember that not everything needs a re…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/25 02:17 PM
3

We have $70k in student loans and around $40k in credit card debt. Who is the one with the student loans? Because the other party does not have the education nor the ability to earn income off of it. Our cars are paid for. Find the value of both cars - those will need to be equalized. I took a bath on the other car when a judge just handed it to my ex who promptly sold it (mine is worth maybe 7k and the joint car was worth about 25k).
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/25 02:13 PM
12

I can understand primary physical custody, as I am working an extra job in anticipation of the pending child support payments and to try to stay in my home as long as possible, but the legal custody is what is throwing me. So here is the thing - you need to make plans/arrangements to secure physical 50/50 if you are able to do so. Overnights are what determine support and if your ex has that level of physical she's going to make the case for full decision making as well. And even if you have joi…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 05:07 PM
6

understand you're looking at her greatist hits (if seeing things online) and you're only going to hear the high points. Dont trauma shop. Dont contact your ex unless its kids stuff and keep it brief. bascially stop looking and getting more info than needed. ALSO when it comes time for college all this will blow up on her because the new guy WILL end up supplementing costs - unless she gets a job her half will come from somewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 08:31 PM
1

I cant say a judge would do that however if your ex gets a lawyer, then plan for things to escalate. You can consult with a lawyer (she does not have to know) and run things past them/have them ready IF things go sideways.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 10:56 PM
1

Until anyone files/signs off on things, its all in flux. Once somethings signed, you're basically done (barring you actively hiding stuff and she finds out).
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 09:39 PM
1

If you find the 50k acceptable RUN to get this done. My ex wanted 50k, oddly enough, for the home equity and that was it. I was still trying to save things and in the few months of that she got people in her ear and now, while divorced, it cost me my entire retirement to save the house AND another 30k in lawyer/court costs.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 09:05 PM
31

Pros: You have an orgasam Cons: Emotional setbacks Emotional manipulation STD Pregnancy Accusation of sexual assault There are other women. Do not risk this.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 09:01 PM
4

I HATE having to communicating with the ex. She tries to make everything as difficult as possible. How and how often are you communicating? I ask because needless stuff or replying to every outreach, thats how you end up stressed out. I only communicate in email and I always wait to respond to things (and I dont respond to everything).
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 06:35 PM
1

Similar situation and also in IL. Not so much the cash but the equity. I kept the home and paid out all marital equity. Any run up in value is due to the other party. It sucks but it is what it is. Document the value/debt at the start of the marriage , and value/debt now. Your only option is to get an appraiser and hope they go super low for you. IF you can agree to JUST give her back half the cash that might be cheaper but she likely has a lawyer telling her equity but probably overpromising on…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 05:26 PM
3

What’s interesting is that most days were cool. She leans on me for things we talk we eat together. We go on errands together still. You're walking a fine line of being taken advantage of and also having to put up and act so she doesn't go crazy here. Can you get a line of credit for a lawyer? Even one, at the end, to look over what you're going to sign? You MUST run it past someone because people bake in all sorts of BS when someone doesnt have a lawyer and it screws you later on. Another thing…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 03:10 PM
1

The incomes you mention (122k/95k) are both in a range where there still can be CS barring you carrying your kids heath insurance. All im saying is dont be shocked if you're expected to pay $200ish a month. My stbx and I have slightly higher amounts but a very similar percentage difference (25%) and there is still CS.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 08:36 PM
1

Also in IL here. Not a lawyer. First and foremost - with this much money AND kids, 100% you need an attorney. Do not tell her you're getting one. Get a new email to communicate with. Interview a few. Pay in cash for consults. Book them online or not using your cell/personal phone. This needs to stay under the radar until appropriate because she absolutely will eventually get a lawyer herself. Nothing was ever co-mingled. This needs to be well documented to hell and back if she knows the value be…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 06:55 PM
9

She is committed to the divorce, but wants to stay friendly, which for my kids sake, I don't want it to be a big ugly fight. She will be friendly until you push back on literally anything (probably money) and then it will get bad and go sideways. She will expect you to have a spouse mentality and bend over for both your sakes or just hers, never yours. GET A LAWYER - she does not have to know. Just get educated about this process because its a hell of a lot cheaper to do it at the start than hav…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 06:44 PM
2

. It means I have made bad choices bc I didn’t know any better. to be fair these people have radar out to pick people they know they can be crappy with and who will take/put up with stuff. They are takers. Givers need limits because takers have none.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 06:42 PM
1

But willing yourself into doing it, forcing yourself, its just so hard. The fact you know this, that is huge. Because when a buddy calls and says "hey lets go to do (thing here)" you're one step ahead of some BS excuse to not go. You already know deep down you should say yes and go. You gotta DECIDE to have a better time than you're having (and the time you're having is sitting there doing nothing). Why does my head want to sit and be stuck in this heartache time and time again? You're fighting …
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/25 07:30 PM
7

shes only pushing for this because its her best option, not yours. Dont move out. consider getting a new bank account - move 1/2 the funds of the joint account into a new account. You're going to need an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 08:17 PM
1

For us it was money that made things go sideways. Sorry you're dealing with THAT kind of bs (worse than money bs imo)
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 05:06 PM
1

I just want out and do what’s best for the kids. Steel yourself for her to try and manipulate you using ytour kids. I never thought my ex would do it but they played the kids card every chance they got.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 04:38 PM
3

Once she get a lawyer be ready for her to say shes not going to leave the home (if roles were flipped you would also be advised not to leave). Just impart to your lawyer your big goals: 50/50 and divorce done. If you can have them get it ALL drafted (custody, Child support, divorce decree) and give it ALL to her. I did it one at a time and its taken me three years because they are nitpicking it all as we go. The 60k for the education, make peace with it not being an issue. Obviously try to make …
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 03:52 PM
2

She’s verbally agreed to move out. Help facilitate this as fast as possible. Getting a lawyer is a good start. Not drinking is a good idea. GETTING HER AWAY FROM YOU IS A GIFT FROM THE HEAVENS. My spouse moved out and while it made things take longer (because i was in essence out of her life) it was a GOD SEND for me mentally. See her as little as humanly possible. THe more time away from her and the less you speak/interact the faster you'll get out of the married person mindset. And if you thin…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 03:36 PM
2

Oh god as an American the closest we have to UK drinking density is the entire state of Wisconsin.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 01:23 PM
2

A different take on things: Divorce her as fast as you can while shes distracted by this guy because when it falls apart she will turn that anger back at you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 01:22 PM
3

I havent had anything since It all went down and thats almost three years and I might never start again. Ive had some NA beers to scratch the itch but thats about it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 12:01 PM
3

Very welcome. Whole thing blows but you will be back to as much of a normal as you can be. It takes time but it will happen.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 12:00 PM
4

"I expected more." That was said just to mess with your head. She says anything thats not directly involved with custody or the divorce: "That sounds important, please send me an email" and odds are that email wont come. And if it does dont even reply unless its custody or divorce related. Don't be baited. At least 5k of my costs were from me not shutting up.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 09:13 PM
10

These double standards suck Been there man. My deal is being married to a MD working a second shift. Almost half the year I was solo with the kids. Several days a week and every other weekend. I love being a dad so it was never a huge burden but it was thrown in my face that I was holding her back in her career somehow because I had the audacity to ask she not work EVERY damn day at night. Somehow it comes back that I never supported her. I was told this after all her time in Med school, and bei…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 09:11 PM
11

I will start with a VERY important bit of advice and if you take nothing else, please - do NOT drink or use drugs. Outside of getting a lawyer, not drinking was by far the best thing I could have done. Seriously, NO ONE ever drank their way out of a mess like this. Ever. Everything at the start was "who cares, what is even the point?" How I got though it was by telling all my friends "Please get me out of my house and make me do something even if you think I wouldn't do" and (this is the tough p…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 07:48 PM
8

one year since they moved out and we're not even officially div but whatever, I have no control there. At the time I found out I was obv upset BUT a day or two later it was FREEING because I knew then I was totally done. If she had come back, knowing what I knew, there is no way in hell I would have taken her back. So steer into it and be free, finally.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 07:12 PM
2

He thinks paying for a short while might be cheaper than going to court. So, if that’s the case… why hire a lawyer at all? You can hire a lawyer and not take it to trial. A good lawyer will double check things and make sure you're thinking ahead, long term. Right now you're thinking up to an event: the divorce. Are you thinking of what happens when your kid is 14 and needs braces? 16 and a car? 19 and college? You can kick the can down the road and end up back with a new lawyer, or worse in fron…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 06:58 PM
1

I really just want to think that if it comes to this she'd at least have the decency to settle things fairly but I doubt it. Any chance you give her to F you over, she will take it. I wish I could tell you how to remove the opportunity in your situation.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 06:55 PM
2

I've already seen the change in her mother, and she's only talking to her divorced Girlfriends group because all of our mutual friends think she's a piece. Ah, jesus, yeah that's not great when people get in their ear. This is outside my ability to give any advice on the business piece but I can say this for the child one: 50/50, if you can establish that you can physically do it yourself, should be your goal. I almost hate to say it but can you drag this out and wind down the business anyway? A…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 03:20 PM
3

Can you sell your business? If its just you, you could liquidate it, divorce, and the start a new one.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 02:58 PM
1

Worst case you'll split the equity. You need to get the house appraised, especially if she wants to keep it. Can you start the process to sell it? Shes likely not interested in moving the process along because shes got housing and you're gone, so you're going to have to make this real for her. As for the safe... if she doesn't know the combination and its heavy, its not going anywhere.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 01:38 PM
1

Very welcome. Other "big" comments Ive made that might be of use: INTINAL ACTION: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1ir0ct6/how_do_i_start/md4pmev/ LAWYER SEARCH: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1iusx50/recommendation_for_a_divorce_lawyer/me01gdj/ CUSTODY: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1iqbber/separation_agreement_tips/mcywewe/ Any questions please let me know. I've spent a ton of money and would love to save ANYONE time, money, and stress.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 01:03 AM
2

I’ve actually had coworkers whispering in my ear telling me to get every penny out of this that I can, but that’s just not what’s important to my ex or I. If you're BOTH looking to just be done neither of you listen to anyone lol. Just plow ahead. I hope you get the result you need. BOTH of you will take some L's here, the trick it not get hung up small BS when the end goal is just being finished.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 01:01 AM
1

I can only speak to my experience. The longer you take the more chance your spouse has to have someone in their ear: family, lawyers, co workers, other divorced people. They will feed them bad info or make grand promises about what they should get and what is "fair". Again, its worth talking to a lawyer on the down low, running things past them, and moving things along asap.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/25 04:07 PM
1

Ive spent almost 30k on my lawyer (dont know what my stbx has spent) but she was NOT being reasonable about most things. End of the day this is just money. Better to give the ex 25k and know she might use it to get a job/take care of your kid than hand MORE than that to a lawyer and find a judge say "Give her 25k" That said, im not a lawyer. OP: YOU SHOULD TALK TO A LAWYER (she does not have to know) and run this past them. They could tell you if its a good deal or not. In any event - GET THIS D…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/25 12:01 AM
1

Dear god a decade. Sorry you had to deal with that bs for so long.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/25 10:36 PM
2

Best of luck!
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/25 10:35 PM
1

Thanks. Took a ton of money on my part to figure most of it out lol.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/25 10:35 PM
3

This is absolutely fucked up and I’m not sure how to even handle it. There are two options: dont even address it, ever. If you bring it up she knows she can screw with you and NOT addressing it will be a sign you've moved on (even if you havent). if you ABSOLUTLY must address it with her... "Hey, sometimes I check my work voicemails on speaker so i can take nots and I do it around the kids. Only call me if its important and keep it to the kids only" You're not mentioning the contents of the VM b…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/25 10:33 PM
5

Now I'm afraid of going to court. If your offer was reasonable the worst thing that will happen in court is a judge will say as much. She is already started saying the worst possible things. What shes saying is done in an attempt to get you on your heels. This person knows all your buttons and how/when to press them for maximum impact. They know how to reduce you to tears or send you into a rage with as little as three sentences. So you deprive them of that opportunity. Anything they say/tell yo…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 07:55 PM
8

My ex wife does not want her there as she says she doesn’t want to be uncomfortable. If your ex said she doesn't want you driving your current car there would you rent one instead? If your ex said she doesn't want you wearing a hat at all when you are in her presence would you do that? Think of a demand/ask she made during your marriage that you ONLY did because you wanted to be a good spouse (and internally could have cared less to do or didnt even want to do). Would you do that thing now? NO. …
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 07:52 PM
4

What you're thinking right now is this is not fair, its not right, its BS. And guess what? IT IS BS, fair, or right. But there is nothing that can really be done about it. Its hard to accept but you must accent it. Bluntly: morality agreements are essentially non-enforceable if one party deicides they don't care. AT BEST someone could be held in contempt but it would take a lot of time money and effort to even get it in front of a judge who is likely to just hand waive it away saying 'dont do th…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 07:45 PM
5

First off, DO NOT tell her you're even THINKING about this because once she gets a whiff it will be in her best interest to get a lawyer and file. Second, YOU need to talk to a lawyer as things can be state and location specific. An attorney knows the ropes for your area and can give you the best advice and strategize your next moves. She does NOT have to know. So third, get a whole new email ONLY for divorce stuff. If you set up a consult do not use your cell, current email, and pay in cash if …
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 07:43 PM
3

I have a female lawyer. Really what you want to look for is someone with at least a decade of experience. Either at a larger firm or in a firm of their own. ALSO ask what case load they have (you dont want someone who is slammed because you'll take a back seat). The longer they have been in it the more chances they have to know the lay of the land: the judges, opposing counsel, the process, and when to tell you you're being an idiot (I specifically told my lawyer "I am NOT thinking strait so you…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 08:27 PM
8

Anytime I was dealing with a judge: less is more. Say as little as possible and never answer more than you're asked. They truly have heard it all so best to just be strait and to the point.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 01:14 PM
3

My stbx makes more than I do now. At the start of the marriage it was about the same but they are in the medical filed and quickly eclipsed me. It was a major issue for them. As the woman they wanted me to make more (impossible as I work in an office and they are a freaking MD) due to some screwed up view of men being the provider. never mind all the work/support while they went though med school. Nope, I should just suddenly start making more somehow. At the end them making more was also held o…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/25 06:12 PM
1

When your kids in school it can get MUCH better - If you can move swaps to school days. Parent whose time is ending drops and parent whose time starts picks up. Additionally can you change the days you have? There is a TON of exchanges. Your kid cannot get settled and they probably feel anxious with the constant moving around. I'm 2-2-5-5: Every mon/tue they are with mom, every wed/thur with me, we both swap f-sa-su. Kids ALWAYS know where they are mon-thur. You get a five day stretch w/o kids, …
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/25 03:07 PM
10

No kids. 8 year marriage. Everything you went though is a nightmare but dear god no kids is a GOD SEND you have no idea.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/25 03:33 PM
4

I havent had anything in almost three years. I drank socially before that but knew it would have been bad to keep it up and/or do it solo.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 06:45 PM
10

outside of getting a lawyer and therapist NOT DRINKING was, by far, the best thing I did. Anyone going though this should be completely sober if they can or at the very least cut down/never drink alone.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 04:11 PM
1

Now that she has PR and a job that I got her, she wants divorce, plus 50% of my savings from the beginning of the marriage till time of separation Tell her no. Better yet, dont reply at all. You need a lawyer yourself. But I feel like I didn’t deserve this. You dont. That said no one is going to come and save you from this. She wants me to do an uncontested divorce, I don’t know if there would be a point in doing a contested divorce. Perhaps she isn’t entitled to that 25k. She wants uncontested …
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/25 11:02 PM
1

She claims that whenever I set a boundary it means I dont want to be friends and friendly therefore I dont want to coparent. I mean, not that she would listen but you're not friends. That doesnt mean you cannot co parent. Its like you're running a business and you're co owners but with to locations. My counter argument(s) she will have an answer for ANYTHING you throw at her so its best to just not even address anything. YES its BS but you'll never get ownership out of her, ever. It sucks but yo…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/25 07:42 PM
4

My end goal would be to use the app for every bit of communication between us. I want to block her number in my phone. Of course, even after I got our attorneys involved and they both suggested using the app, my ex is completely against it because it wasnt her idea (im speculating). She took a page from my book, "unless its court ordered, I'm not doing it" lol. That one stung in a funny way. The reason this person is driving you nuts and has you a mess is because she realizes she can get a react…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/25 02:55 PM
4

People dont know how to process someone getting divorced, and some dont want the 'stink' of divorce on them. They distance themselves because they dont want to even be associated with that idea lest it happen to them. I had life long friends more or less say "wow, that sucks man" and then they dropped off the face of the earth. Flip side: some people I knew really stepped up. This process you're not only losing a spouse but a good hunk of your friend circle but the ones that stay, they are the R…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 09:20 PM
3

IDK lots of emotions thinking through this. Good news/bad news: Good news is you know right now emotions are doing the thinking. BAD news is you're letting that happen. Current you might feel bad and just want this over. FUTURE you is yelling at you right now. IF you go to your wife with a 'reasonable' offer of "just have the house" I GUARENTEE you that she will take that AND still go after 50% of your retirement. Listen man, I know you're not thinking right but you cannot give this up for nothi…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 02:07 PM
25

I can tell we still love each other Any 'love' you might see from her is just her keeping one foot on base. Get that out of your mind - at BEST she's keeping you around, worst she's manipulating you for something. Listen man, anytime you spend thinking about her is you giving her power over you. She's not even having to do anything here. Who is she seeing? What is she doing? How is she mentally, physically, emotionally? WHO GIVES A DAMN. You're never going to hold her accountable, get closure, o…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 02:01 PM
2

I wish there was a way for me to still have my kids and never have to see her. I share 50/50 and am on a schedule of 2-2-5-5: she has them mon/tue, I wed/thur, and we flip fri/sa/sun. Exchanges are at school during the school year. During the breaks she just sends the kids out. I generally do the same. We see each other once a year during a school event and 2-3 min tops at swaps, if seen. I see her a total of MAYBE 90-120 minutes a year AT MOST. All communication is in email, with text for only …
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/25 03:21 AM
2

Even if you're a man, you can (and should) call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (you can text 88788) Its never too early to establish a paper trail/timeline because WHEN things go sideways you have documentation as opposed to "hes making all these stories up" I know you said you need to go long enough to see your kids grown but that is being used against you. Speak with a few lawyers - you dont have to tell her and you can get educated about this process, expectations, outcomes, obligatio…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/25 08:40 PM
1

From above: Let her physically attack you do nothing. Call cops. 👮 nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope. Dont do this. Men are almost always the one arrested. Don't even put yourself in a situation where there is a problem and the cops are there because then you've got two problems and now suddenly you need a divorce lawyer and a criminal defense lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/25 08:35 PM
12

Knew my stbx for over a decade before we married. Dated three years. Married another ten+ years. Literally got the cheche "I thought I could change you!" Like, you knew me for over ten years before we married with three of dating, what did you think you were getting???
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/25 05:00 PM
2

thanks
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/25 06:18 PM
2

Let people have some joy. Especially if you’re poor. Until the pet needs costly medical care. Then its a nightmare. Do not get pets if you cannot afford them.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/25 04:06 PM
3

My spouses earnings eclipsed mine and they had a problem earning more than me. I was already working 40hr a week and parenting alone another 20-30 due to them working a second shift (medical field). They lost respect for me over money and, essentially, said I needed to make more. I pointed out anything I made would go for child care but they were not interested. Working opposite shifts also meant we were only around one another for MAYBE three or four nights a week. Every other weekend was spent…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/25 04:05 PM
3

I spent six months getting bled dry and bending over at everything. I final pushed back hard because I HAD to. I had to establish I wouldn't put up with anymore BS and basically get them on their heels. Sell everything quickly and give her half. She will want more than just half and if you give her half she's going to come after half of your half. These two stand out together: She’s not the brightest and they are driving her to divorce believe it or not. Drag it out Don’t give her the separation…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/25 03:40 PM
3

Its good you're making that effort. While doing so, get educated about the process. I have a post where I say people need a lawyer. Even in the BEST cases you still need to learn the possible outcomes, obligations, and how the process works. You can talk to a lawyer (she does not need to know) because I will tell you learning as you go is rough - you dont make decisions with ALL the info and you're paying to learn it all at a trickle. Understand that once you say divorce there is no walking that…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 09:17 PM
8

I am bored and depressed. It’s been this way for way too long. And to be 100% honest, I don’t want to even try. TRY Call your dr and get checked out. Talk to a therapist. You think you're depressed now? Try being bored and depressed in a 1bd apartment, splitting half all your shit, kids/ex hating you for not giving THEM a shot (because you're also breaking up the band here) and losing any mutual fiends, her family, after being asked to move out. I wasn't given a chance to address anything (with …
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 08:03 PM
5

This is ridiculous, and I said to her once the 6 months waiting periods are done, she won’t have a chance to fix things back and I have lawyered up to be the main parent for our son meaning he will live with me back home and his mother will see him during holidays only (and she is somehow accepting this) IF this works out as you're describing (you with essentially full custody) you WILL look back and realize you made out like a bandit. I'm serious. IMO you REALLY need to just back off here and n…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 02:33 PM
5

I live in a state where 50/50 is not the expected outcome of a trial. Trial seems to be on the horizon 50/50, imo, is the hill to die on. TIME is the ultimate commodity, we can never make more of it, and many would take more than 50% if given the chance. I was lucky as I was able to reason with her on 50% and my state more or less says 50% anyway (basically I said I would go to trial if she wants and we can waste a ton of cash just to get 50% anyway). So I have 50/50, and because I was the prima…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 02:24 PM
1

So, in my humble opinion, an hour isn't far, my daily commute to work is that in bad traffic and its all of 20 miles
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 02:20 PM
2

I see my ex every few days transitioning between kids. Thats what is doing it. You're being forced to relive it all seeing her. Can you move swaps or not have to physically see her? My school year days are swapped via school (one drops, the other picks up) and non-school days when I pick up the kids jsut get sent out. I'm almost going to do the same but my youngest wants me to walk them out to the car. I PHYISICALLY see her MAYBE twenty times a year, and when I do its for 3min or less.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/25 08:19 PM
1

https://childsupport.ca.gov/guideline-calculator/ You should use that to start. Support is based on OVERNIGHTS (50/50 being 183/182). If you're seeing him every weekend one can assume sat to sun, and sun to mon? That would be 104/261 (so 39/61 custody) If you are making more, and coupled with less days, you will have to pay so make peace with it. Its not what you 'should' pay, its what you'll be court mandated to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 02:23 PM
6

DO NOT DATE DIVORCED COPS OR PEOPLE WHO WERE MARRIED TO COPS These people can exercise power over you outside the normal relationship bs and make your life complete hell if they want to do so and dealing with person who had a cop as an ex is also a special kind of hell. THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 09:48 PM
2

Imagine if this was posted in /r/Divorce the account holders laptop would be set on fire via angry ESP I just wanted to get it out of my chest and express how much I miss her since I can't talk to her. Buddy you screwed the hell up the BEST thing you can do is literally never contact her again (NO good will come from it AT ALL) and get on with fixing yourself and your life
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 09:44 PM
1

payouts from retirement funds can be subject to taxes. QDRO - transfer with no taxes. If spouse withdraws they are hit with 20% (so op could send the 20% on top) but spouse is NOT subject to 10% withdrawal penalty. If OP withdraws they get hit with 10% withdrawal and taxes (its what I had to do)
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 05:23 PM
8

This is overly complex. You need to just put this all in a spreadsheet: Column 1: Item (asset or debt) Column 2: value of said item (positive or negative) TOTAL it all up, divide by two. Thats it. If my math is correct your TOTAL EQUITY IN EVERYTHING: $256,000 That means your wife is allotted $128000. HOW she is made whole is up to you. Easiest thing is give her the house and she cuts you a check for $42000. Keep in mind she WILL get it appraised and they will go LOW to lowball the value. You're…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 05:21 PM
3

she tells me I hit her and that if I take my daughter she will call the cops This is the last warning you'll get from the universe here. She's GOING to go this route, its just a matter of when and where - its already planned in her head she will call the police and let me tell you every time the cops show up to domestic stuff SOMEONE will get arrested and 99.98% of the time it is the man. Secure you kid and get a lawyer or you're days away from being in jail with a DV order against you and then …
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 03:22 PM
7

I am exploring all options and trying to see if this would be more financially beneficial for me in the long run. You're trying to figure out some secret avenue here that would be common knowledge IF it ever worked. You even went to a lawyer who told you this is a bad idea (because it is). IF you do this you and your spouse are both playing a game of chicken here - betting the other person will stay true to their word and not take legal action, keep financials separate, and be 'cool'. It wont ha…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/25 09:56 PM
5

I’m not looking to be spiteful or greedy just need to know I’ll be able to afford living on my own. Remove emotion here - you're seeking what you're legally entitled to get. Nothing more, nothing less.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 10:54 PM
3

60k in student loans. You MUST make the case you assume NONE of this because you're not benefiting from the education. Eat some of the shared costs if you must, but not this. ONLY She gets the results of the work on that. ANd if her parents are there to help so much she can work/finish classes. She cant have it both ways.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 07:45 PM
14

To start Three months ago something switched and I asked for a divorce. SHe was probably in shock and someone got in her ear (parents/friends/ect) and now she is doing all this to, frankly, burn your life down. You're NOT dealing with a rational person so DO NOT expect her to play fair/nice or be reasonable. What her and her lawyer want now Well the thing is what they WANT isnt what you must give, barring a judge saying as much. How is this fair? Its not. Nothing in divorce is fair or 'right' it…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 07:40 PM
5

That is insane. Did your attorney know to file in the correct county? How was this missed? IF your lawyer missed this (if they filed for you or your ex filed) you must demand they fix things (i.e. you get free billable time due to their screw up or you'll go to your states legal board). Something like this is a massive oversight. As for no child support: anyone can go back at anytime and request CS - waiving it (and giving up something for waiving it) is never a good idea. CS based on your 50/50…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 04:57 PM
3

👍
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 04:02 PM
1

as told me I better be ok with it for the kids. You can be ok with it but that does not mean you have to like it. And you can tell her as much. But the less you say the better. If anything you need to start prepping for when they break up and how things will work for your kid and their friend.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 02:50 PM
2

While I work a traditional 9-5 there are times I can be late due to emergency or very early depending on who is in the office. How will this potentially impact custody? Speaking to this - neither of you will have to care about the others schedule. All this assuming you're shooting for 50/50. Its going to be what is best for the kids and you'll have to work around the custody schedule vs them working around your work. If your wife is upset by this divorce do NOT expect her to be accommodating for…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 01:50 PM
2

Ive resigned myself to nothing until my kids are older. Old enough to have a say in things or even just out of the house. I'm not interested in a situation where someone asks me to pick (them v my kids) on ANYTHING. It all just seems... exhausting.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 06:14 PM
27

There was a time where I was doing a 'post mortem' on things and trying to "think-it-out" where/who/what went wrong. I wanted, like many of us, answers/reasons/justification. I came to accept I wouldnt get anything meaningful (and even if I got an answer I knew it would be BS). SO many people here and on /r/divorce (imo) are hung up on the why. I just don't care to dwell on it anymore. My take: if someone doesn't want to be married, man or woman, fine. End it. Why? Who gives a shit. Lets get dow…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 04:10 PM
5

50/50, to much time and only interested in low CS juxtaposed with Limited time, red flag because not enough. Pick a lane. Seeing the "every other weekend" dad as a best to date... that just reads as "the kids wont be in the way of all the time, money, and attention for me!"
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 02:21 PM
5

I stayed at work until almost 7pm and then took my time getting home. Arrived at home after the kids bedtime so in a way i was lying to my subconscious thinking "the are asleep now anyway". I did that for a few weeks. EDIT: ABSOLUTLY DO NOT DRINK
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 02:17 PM
10

And lastly, I’m terrified for my kids to lose access to their mom over what could be a one off incident that I certainly hope she regrets. You were a victim of DV and let it slide. She's been empowered to take things out on your kids. Ask yourself: if a buddy came to you and said his wife punched his 7 year old in the face and he said "What do I do?" you're not going to say nothing. I want her to seek parental counseling and anger management. I want my children to have a loving caring mother tha…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 02:15 PM
1

I explained the days I want the children and the days I am working. Any chance you give your ex to tell you no or screw you over, they will take it. Vague is best because they cannot get a read on if it will help/hurt you. If its just treated as a business deal there is no winning losing. make peace with your work and child care schedule being problamitic. Talk with your boss about adjustments if needed.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 03:12 AM
5

Its going to be a bad look for her, court wise but if she just went though open enrolment she was able to remove you. You need to plan that you will not be added back on. Are you able to add yourself to your employer? This qualifies as a life event (removal from another insurance) Were you paying for any part of the premium? (sending her your part/part for kids if you have them?)
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 08:19 PM
7

She is now going to drag me to court, get 50/50 custody, probably $1200 dollars a month (I don't make that much money), and pretty much whatever else she wants. As other said get a lawyer if you dont have one because without one she will end up with WAY more than the above. You need to realign your thinking: YOU get 50% and she cannot change that You ONLY have to pay 1200 She WONT get everything she wants. Listen, we all lose here but the first person to accept what they wont get will start to h…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 09:43 PM
1

not much to add other than GOOD LORD listen to #7 and DO NOT think like a husband or give a damn about her post div because she will NOT care about you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/25 04:40 PM
3

The question you need to ask is "Once the alimony ends will she be able to support herself?" If no (because she burns 100k/yr) your money stopping will leave her destitute and she will go for your throat. If you think that is the case best to consult a NJ Div lawyer NOW and you can plan for two years. The last thing you want is to be you two years from now ready to retire and have some judge say "you get to work for another decade" and blow though another 1m while she does whatever it is she is …
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 09:11 PM
9

The fear you're experiencing will easily be replaced with anger when she demands more than 50/50 for no reason other than to hurt you. Do NOT let her or her lawyer (or even yours) sell you on anything less than 50/50. As others state barring an insanity you'll get it UNLESS you give it up. And do not give it up for anything. Time is the one thing we cant make. 50/50 is the hill you die on. Its non-negotiable. No drinking/drugs. Be active as possible. Learn all your kids Doctors/dentists/therapis…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 09:06 PM
3

You're still thinking like a husband. Nice but foolish. Lose the spouse mindset. At this point it is just business. You're going to be framed as the bad guy no matter what. I had my lawyer email my stbx and we waited two weeks. They said serve her. I said lets wait more. Another two weeks. Finally after nearly a month I had her served. Within the day we got an email back from her lawyer. She MADE me spend the money to get it done. So just do it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 09:04 PM
1

My recommendation would be to add it in when it comes to contact with the kids. Don't make a big deal about it or point it out. Not saying sneak it in, but less is more. If you do point it out you'll run the risk of the other parent asking it be removed or phone calls only. What mine says: Phone Contact: The parent without parenting time shall be allowed to communicate with the children by phone, texting, or video chatting (e.g., Facetime, email, online gaming services, chat platforms, etc.), an…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 04:43 PM
3

Early on my days without the kids, I would purposely get home after their bedtime. I would tell myself they were just asleep and I wasn't missing anything. Later I embraced the solo time to do all the 'home' stuff (cleaning, laundry, yard, etc) which I no longer do, outside of dishes, when I have them. How old are they? If they are gaming age be sure to put a clause in your parent agreement that contact with the kids though gaming platforms (xblive, psn, nintendo online, etc) is ok.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 03:36 PM
2

Get a dog
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 03:34 PM
11

Each convo between us over “logistics” dissolves into mean girl B.S. where I’m being shouted at for taking pauses in conversation…and expecting a response. Stop having them. Move all communication to email. Wait a day to reply to anything. keep it all brief and only address business. You can get a 10pg email from them and reply with three sentences only about logistics.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 02:48 PM
1

Decent house in a nice neighborhood we bought at the bottom of the market in 2010. 2.25% fixed rate mortgage. No way we could afford this neighborhood now, yet alone individually. Speak with your lender and see if they allow for a mortgage assumption - one person is removed, the other keeps the home AND retains the interest rate. Process can take 9-12 months though, where a refi can have the other party off in 30-45 days. EDIT: person moving out would need to be made whole due to the equity thou…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/25 03:33 PM
1

My daughter is having anxiety about going back to her mom's. Gets upset asking if I'm going back tonight more and more frequently. How old is your kid and what state are you in? I only ask because some states will consider the age of the child and parent preference. Mine is a hard and fast 18 (i.e. they have no choice) but some states once a child turns 13 they can choose a parent.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/25 02:58 PM
1

Loans: legally only she is responsible (unless you've cosigned) however its about what you agree on or could possibly be ordered to do. If you take on 1/2 the 37k there would be an offset with another asset/debt as well. The ONLY reason you would consider this, imo, is if your ex makes more and you're due spousal support. If you're paying her I would fight on taking on any of her loan debt as once you're divorced you're not benefiting from her education (she is the one with the degree). Car leas…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 07:35 PM
27

First - You need an emergency custody order asap. DO NOT wait. Second - Lawyer asap. They would help get the first thing done. I see you're asking about Chatgpt doing it. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO GET CHEAP - you'll screw yourself without proper representation and spend 5x trying to fix what you DIY. Third - you have a REALLY OLD reddit account - Delete this post and get a burner. At over a decade old and heavily used 100% your spouse knows about it. Anything you put here can and will be used again…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 07:29 PM
4

How much communication do you have with her? I only ask because almost all my stress was due to interacting with her. Once I took things to email only, and waited hours to reply to anything, communication slowed. Slower communication means less emotional and shorter answers/questions to things, it becomes just business and it sped things up. I let her 'win' on things like physical stuff from the house, things in the parenting agreement (I could have cared less on), and some assets (i considered …
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 02:28 PM
9

This person knows your buttons and how to press them and they will likely try and do so. They told their lawyer as well so they can push them. WHEN they push them its an attempt to make you emotional, running on feelings, and NOT thinking strait and long term. You go into a fog where you think short term and only about getting back at them or holding them accountable. Future you? He does not give a flying F about her, or anyone in her life, and is not hung up on any more of this. He wants CURREN…
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 09:16 PM
2

Via ops other comments the only real options here, imo (IANAL) is to file for an order of protection if shes being violent. FL will take kids preference into consideration at 13-14. If they have adult kids (over 18) MAYBE those adult kids can suggest to the younger one they live with dad. OP - I understand you're probably wanting her to 'pay' for actions and be held accountable but as the above said, judges dont care with cheating and even some instances of people being nuts and trashing a house…
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 06:02 PM
2

You can get a bad read
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 07:24 PM
11

You need a new lawyer. DO NOT think of the time/money spent with your attorney - you must have representation you are conformable with. Get a new lawyer and they will reach out to the old one saying they are taking over and to send all materials to them. Lawyers are a dime a dozen and this happens all the time. They know this and wont be offended. please tell me why I shouldn't go on TIKTOK and call these mother fucker home wreckers out? Do not do anything you dont want to see projected on a 10f…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 05:16 PM
2

Have any of you ever felt like you just aren't angry enough? You're doing 200% of the work in your life. You're in survival mode. Once you're done with her you'll be back to JUST yourself and not dealing with a boat anchor around your neck.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 02:01 PM
5

I’m open to mediation for child-related matters but don’t want to reopen property division. IANAL I wouldnt be open to ANYTHING because the second you let them get a foot in the door they will want to revisit EVERYTHING. My stbx went back a year after they moved out and we had custody agreement in place, signed w/court. About six months into the official agreement they found they screwed themselves with our exchange set up and I got an email from their attorney asking we revisit it. My reply: "W…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 09:00 PM
2

Extra time with your kids, if you can get it and manage it, is always worth it. Doubly so if its overnights. That said - dont be a door mat. If you're not easily able to take the time (due to work or other obligations that let you earn a living and live life) it is NOT on you to save her.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 06:50 PM
2

If you have a trusted friend/relative. You said a trip with your buddies? ONE at least might have garage space. Basically you need to get anything out of your home you dont want to see on the curb, in the trash, or on fire. And if you think "she would never destroy X thing" do. not. take. the. chance. DO not go on a trip - you're being given a gift here with time to move crap. Take the trip when its all said and done.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 06:48 PM
1

Good luck. Any questions please ask away.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 11:53 PM
8

Here is another copy/paste job from a prior comment of mine, for recommendations on custody stuff. FYI: Anything morality related is essentially unenforceable. Feel free to add it just assume it wont be followed. Ill say this for custody stuff: you can never be overly specific on things. Much of the anger in the process was learning that their idea of a divorce wasn't reasonable or even doable. Save yourself from trying to explain/tell them anything - everything I told my spouse (almost all of i…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 09:53 PM
4

Take a deep breath. You're going to be fine. As other said - she is not the one making the calls here. 50/50, barring something nuts, is the standard. She is saying these things either out of ignornace or trying to get you upset. She will say other insane things trying to make you emotional and make bad decisions. Any inflammatory thing should be met with "that sounds important, please send me that in an email" and that will shut it down (or provide you written proof shes being unreasonable) Und…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 06:17 PM
3

She is ready to take care of the kid when I need a break during weekends. Her reasons: Kid loves to be with me over the weekend. Having a fixed schedule makes it easy for her travel job. its not take care of, its parenting. And this is a trap where you're going to end up with a new schedule that she will never deviate from. Also, HER JOB is not your problem. I have been taking care of the kid 60 to 70% of the time in the last 2 to 3 yrs. What sort of child support agreement do you have an is it …
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 08:41 PM
2

I am a 29-year-old man preparing for a divorce after almost three years of marriage to a 26-year-old woman. No kids. I dont have much to add other than this: you're basically getting a do-over in life here. When the divorce is done cut ALL ties with her 100% - block/delete/everything AND everyone in her life/orbit as well. ALSO, while you've said you've never had sex with her once you file be ready for her to throw herself at you. DO NOT have sex if she offers because you're at the dawn of being…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 02:42 PM
1

SO much of the cost of my divorce was because I couldnt keep my mouth shut and was quick to reply while driven by emotion.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/25 03:13 PM
1

Current me is happy past me didnt roll over.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 08:28 PM
1

im in the home stretch. At the start I wanted to theow a giant party. Now? Ugg, I just want to sit in the quiet.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 08:27 PM
6

Seconded. OP: Its not fair, I'll grant you that, but kids wont remember any of this. They WILL remember how you make them feel. You're playing the LONG game here. Do the dance. Take the photo. Be there for your kids and be happy in the moments with THEM. Anytime mental time dedicated to your could be better spent on the kids. That said, feel free to impress upon your ex you're there for kids and kids alone and you can get your own separate photos with just them.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 07:39 PM
5

Here are some tips ive shared before on custody agreements but prob not the same list https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1iqbber/separation_agreement_tips/mcywewe/
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 02:22 PM
4

What would you tell yourself after going through it all? You should have gotten a lawyer and filed sooner. Separate your income immediately. DO NOT reply to any of her messages, its only her trying to bait you into a fight. Wait a day to reply to anything and remember that not everything needs a reply. Let all the small BS go (physical crap).
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 02:21 PM
25

How do I get around this with both the baby and spousal support? This is the worst. Im in california. Just divorcing in CA alone means you should get an attorney. Do you want to pay a few grand to a lawyer now or that same amount (or more), yearly, for the next two decades? GET. A. LAWYER.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 02:18 PM
10

To start - You have a OLD and heavily used reddit account - if you even THINK she knows about it DELETE THIS AND GET A BURNER. You cannot telegraph your moves or thoughts - it WILL be used against you. as far as cash about half the equity I would have been entitled too from the house, and just over 50% of the child support payment, If im reading this right you're only getting 25% of your total equity? (75% her 25% you?). Also NEVER give up ANYTHING for less CS - that said YOU can always go back …
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 09:12 PM
5

Do you have kids? If not, its time to file asap and get ready to live like a 22 year old again (cheap and basic). If you DO have kids, you need some time to start to strategize. In EITHER event, you MUST talk to a lawyer. Many will do 30-60 min consults for free. She does NOT need to know. get a new email address - divorce stuff only AND you know she does not have access new bank account at a bank you do not already use po box, all new info goes here cash back on everything you buy. 25-50 a pop,…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 08:52 PM
2

https://app.custodyxchange.com/a/calendar/schedules FYI there are free ones out there Here are some tips ive shared before on custody agreements - https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1iqbber/separation_agreement_tips/mcywewe/
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 08:37 PM
9

Meanwhile, she’s rocking an $18,000 Rolex I bought her Anyone filed yet? Just take it and sell it. unitl someone files you're just having an elaborate fight.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/25 02:51 PM
9

Should I inform my ex-wife now that I plan to seek a custody modification—hoping she might be willing to work out a mutual agreement—or should I wait and let my attorney file it as a surprise in July? If you're playing poker are you gonna tell the other players you're planning to bluff? When you've got pocket Kings? Hell no, you sit there stone faced and say nothing. And Deep down you know she will not be receptive. Tipping your hand now will only give her a chance to promptly say no, come up wi…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 10:34 PM
11

Is it normal for a first lawyer meeting to feel this unproductive? Or do I need to find another. Can be and yes. I have an attorney that, frankly, has at times NOT felt like my ally in all this and Im into them for 30k. Sometimes I wonder if it would be 20k and I would be done by now if I went with someone else. TRUST YOUR GUT AND GET A NEW ATTORNEY
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 10:32 PM
2

Yes, helps with that. Holidays can get weird but it also results, sometimes with longer streches with kids (depending on when a holday falls) FYI: for parents with mondays - be aware of holidays like MLK/Columbus day when they are off (so you'll have a day of kids at home when you could be working) AND holdays that fall on mondays like Labor Day and Memorial day - those should not be overnight swapped days. If you do rotate those with an ex be sure to include them as ending at 7-8pm and pick up …
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 02:37 PM
5

Deadbolts with codes. You can get fancy ones that will take codes on certain days/times.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 08:27 PM
2

The benefit is consistency AND you dont go a long time without seeing the kids. Every Monday/Tuesday they are with parent 1 Every Wed/Thursday they are with parent 2 You flip Friday, Sat, Sunday. So the 2-2-5-5 is giving you both five days in a row with the kids but also another five without.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 08:27 PM
18

However, I'm not a fan of her stopping by to cook dinner CHANGE YOUR LOCKS
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 03:58 PM
7

How she knows she can push my buttons because no matter what, I'm always the bad guy. I'm so tired of the double standards and bullshit, but I know I'm powerless to fix anything. You've actually figured it out right here and you dont know it. So she knows all your buttons. She will push them. How to fix things is to either not give her a chance to push the button and if she does, and it wont be easy, not react to the push. You're playing the ultra long game here: You be the stable parent for you…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 03:56 PM
10

You need to file asap because she is going to file herself ONLY WHEN IT BENEFITS HER.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 03:50 PM
3

Once your child is in PreK or Kindergarten, push hard for 2-2-5-5 or 7-7 (though 7-7 might better when they are way older). Good luck man, I know its rough. You'll make it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 03:48 PM
9

Can you move to a 2-2-5-5 schedule? I think you're getting burnt out and a longer stretch of 5 days solo might be of help. You're JUST getting caught up on sleep/household BS and then the kids are back and they take a TON of mental focus.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 06:23 PM
1

I've destroyed my retirement. Did that here for a home buy out. So long 401k, but at least im not buying in a trash market.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 11:05 PM
5

Not to mention all my utilities are down by 50% went from using 5000-6000 gal of water a month to less than 2000. Like, wtf was the tap on all day when I was out?
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 07:29 PM
2

$700000 is a titanic waste of money holy shit. What does she do for work to even spend that? (well 500k paid)
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 06:12 PM
1

AH, ok, well if you can get it in your agreement no alimony you can always go back and recalc CS. Again, cannot recommend enough at least talking to an attorney. DIY-ing it can screw you.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 08:41 PM
1

For what it is worth - going to court does not mean you go to a trial. Sometimes its just a judge making a call (or MORE likely telling you/her how it is gonna be). Its 2025, this isnt the 80s where mom gets it all and dad lives in a box. You are thinking liek she has you on the ropes where in fact its more center ring for you both (but she does not know it yet). WHEN reality hits she will probably get a lawyer. I promise you people in her orbit are already telling her to do so. As I stated in a…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 05:35 PM
1

But she will not survive on her salary alone. Bluntly: that is not your problem. Stop thinking like a spouse. But she is asking for it in the form of child support and not alimony. Child support is for the CHILD not her.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 04:39 PM
2

You need a custody agreement that spells out EVERTHING and you need a CHILD SUPPORT Agreement as well - it protects you both. Hand shake agreements and back of the envelope math are great until they are not. She is asking for half of everything (savings, 401k) including the payout of 50% of the house. I dont have the money so will have to take out $ from the equity. This is all fine. the 50% of the home equity should only be the growth during the marriage. Example: If your house is worth 500k an…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 04:38 PM
3

My point is they are going to have to do a full fiscal disclosure and split all assets and debts.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 06:13 PM
4

Any other parent plan advice is welcome. Here is another copy/paste job from a prior comment of mine, for recommendations on custody stuff. FYI: Anything morality related is essentially unenforceable. Feel free to add it just assume it wont be followed. Ill say this for custody stuff: you can never be overly specific on things. Much of the anger in the process was learning that their idea of a divorce wasn't reasonable or even doable. Save yourself from trying to explain/tell them anything - eve…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 02:25 PM
14

Anyway since then, the stock I lost our savings on has rebounded hugely and all my losses have returned and more. I’ve now sold out and am sitting on a $1M in my brokerage account alone. I’ll be sticking to ETFs from now on. I haven’t told her. WHEN divorce happens there is a thing called discovery and these funds WILL come out and you're looking at handing over 50% so mentally prep yourself for that because it will happen. You can either cut her a check for 500k or blow though 500k fighting it …
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 02:24 PM
6

Then sent me a message saying she’s his daughter too and that they’re a family now. That was done simply to put you in a bad mental state where you make bad decisions that hurt you and will help her. IT IS BAIT DO NOT TAKE IT. What I need is vengeance. What I want is for them to disappear. What you need to do is get on the horn with your kids therapists and get a paper trail started with your ex's manipulation. You don't want to hear it but you also need to talk to someone becuase if you go down…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 02:21 PM
8

My wife flipped her shit and has terminated mediation. I feel so shitty. I feel like I want to die. I don’t know what to do. Did I fuck up? NO, you didnt take a BS low ball offer. She flipped out because REALITY is hitting her now. get your OWN appraiser - they work for YOU GET ALIMONY - Future you will thank you Let it go to trial if needed
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 08:00 PM
9

we both still know each other pincodes, unless she changed hers) 100% she changed it. divorce is finalized but we still live together - she needs to take a mortgage and buy me out, I need to take a mortgage, buy a place and move out, it all takes time. Fast track YOUR parts as much as you can. Don't do her any favors, you're not a husband anymore. ABSOLULTY get your own appraiser. You need a value on the home and you WILL get low balled on the equity.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 08:29 PM
1

You can do more consults for free - all im saying is ask around because a decade from now you'll be wishing you had.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/25 07:31 PM
2

even w/o support (dont give up yet!) Child Support is a thing. That said, its for the kids. Please dont roll over. Hell, your state might have a online calculator you can tell your lawyer to use and get a TOTAL payout (i.e do the math on what you get per month x months you would get it) and if its $350,000 tell your ex, "you can pay me out at 200k right now or we take this to trial and i might get more" and maybe they blink and take it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 09:16 PM
2

You don't have to dump your attorney but you ABSOLUTLY can talk to other attorneys and see if you get a better fit. Retainers are a lot, yes, but 500 vs TBD could be anything. Via a quick calc in my state: 180k v 600k, marriage of 10 years, thats 52m months of alimony at 11,000+ A MONTH - basically 575000
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 09:14 PM
12

I have the option to have her charged. She can expect a minimum of a class A misdemeanor to felony charges. Current you is waffling. FUTURE you is wishing to god you pressed charges. Ask yourself this: if a STRANGER did this, would you let them off? No. Press charges and let her be held accountable for HER actions and do what you need to do with the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 05:12 PM
3

continually restarting it with a 7000 minimum retainer sucks. Vet as many attorneys as you can - explain how you shouldered all you did and your ex is gonna be a doctor - SOMEONE will fight for you to get spousal support (and ABSOLTLY take it -dont let her or anyone else play the 'be a man' card because they WILL do so and its an attempt to get out of being held accountable). 7k now sucks but you'll recoup it via the supports.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 05:10 PM
11

anyway so even though she'll make 3x what I make when she graduates I owe half of all the money I saved including my retirement during my marriage to this bum. She's also refusing to start work and wants to be a dependent until she gets a job in her field. So WHEN it comes time to calculate child support and spousal support you ask the court a salary be imputed. Whatever her field as a new entrant. THAT should be baseline for income. if she's set to make 3x what you make you'll get Child support…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 05:08 PM
10

Not only loosing my marriage, but the cold shoulder and let’s get this over and way it’s happening is killing me. At best this is being done to distance from you, worst its a tactic to have you on your heels. DONT think like a husband anymore as it will be used against you. Just because you get a lawyer does not mean a trail. Court, that is inevitable, even if you DIY because part of the process is filing things with the court and at least one appearance before a judge (when its all over). Your …
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 07:52 PM
1

Support, via almost all states as far as I know, is based off a few factors: Number of overnights per parent Income of the parents Cost of health insurance (for the kids only) Amounts in cash/checking/savings/investments are NOT a factor. The above are put into a calc - at 50/50 nights and parents with the same income, one parent might have to pay a small amount to the parent carrying insurance. With huge disparities in income and nights things get expensive. Your state will have a calculator yo…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 03:47 PM
14

I truly love her deeply This will be used against you. She will have your digging your own grave and then ask you to jump in (i.e. she gets all she wants) I’m not sure what to do. Understand that your ability to think strait is currently broken. You need a lawyer. They will do thinking for you and guide you. As nuts as it sounds the way out of this, outside of getting a therapist (DO THAT) is you're gonna toss money at this and It will be money well spent. There is a ton of advice in the links b…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 02:04 PM
4

You are still in husband mode thinking like a spouse. You need to readjust your thinking. You waiting is a bad move. I waited six months and in that time I bled about 20k in costs (she basically stopped contributing/pay for anything outside of LESS than half the mortgage) and I finally had to get a lawyer and get her served. If she has you waiting it is because its good for her to do so. Dont give her time to circle her wagons, bulid a war chest, and make a plan to spring on you when its to her …
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 02:01 PM
3

Future you will be glad you asked. Don't let ANYONE get in your head about gender norms and you receiving it because you're a guy. IF someone gives you a hard time about that they don't need to be in your life. They aren't the ones trying to pay your bills. I would say the same thing to a woman.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 04:39 PM
2

So I know I get to keep my house. This includes the equity too right? If they made payments (comingled funds) she is very likely due something. In CA you absolutely need an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 06:44 PM
3

Not only should you NOT contact her, delete all your contact info for her, block on all formats you can, delete socials, etc etc. You're done. Stay done. You've divorced for a reason. Be grateful you dont have kids with this person.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 06:42 PM
7

You're in panic mode. Its normal. I didnt eat for the first two weeks, after that was nothing but coffee and maybe toast and some soup. Drink a protein shake if you cannot bring yourself to eat. EDIT: I did not take care of myself a few months in and ended up in the ER due to dehydration and not eating and had to be put on an IV and given some supplements.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 06:37 PM
4

I hope your stbx remains reasonable. As soon as us getting a formal custody agreement and CS was brought into my divorce it all went nuts - money makes people crazy. That said Im glad I did it because it showed where things WOULD have headed eventually. As much as it sucks, you're not a team anymore and your need to protect yourself and your kids. FUTURE you will be glad you did because THAT GUY does not care about her anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 02:44 PM
6

I get so angry and jealous and most of all hurt when I see her smiling while talking to her boyfriend. She knows this and is using it to keep you in a bad mental state making SHORT TERM decisions. Ill get right to it - GET A LAWYER. She does NOT need to know but you MUST educate yourself here or you will get eaten alive by the process. Seeing her as little as possible is best, long term. If you're in the same house, move to another room. Its all business now. NO HUSBAND BS - treat her as a stran…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 01:50 PM
8

I feel pathetic and alone and dont know how to move forward. You've been handed a huge trauma and your brain is jello. This is normal. The way you move forward is you get legal representation amd that person will do some thinking for you (you're going to throw money at this but in a good way) until you've pulled out of the dive. You're not going to drink. You're going to find a therapist or clergy or ANYONE to talk to about this. Why will you do this? For your daughters. FUTURE you is looking ba…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/25 02:39 PM
9

You both signed an agreement with clauses in place when someone decides to step outside the agreement. Its not about doing the right thing, you're just following the process as you both agreed upon when you signed the custody paperwork. (and it also happens to be the right thing). FYI: Start planning now for her to move and you to possibly get greater than 50% custody. NOt saying it would happen but better to be prepped (with your housing arrangements/costs/employer/coverage) than not and have t…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 06:20 PM
3

My tip is limit all commination to email only, replying there when you get calls or texts, and wait 24+ hours to reply to anything IF you even want a reply. not everything will warrant one even if your ex keeps demanding one.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 01:54 PM
4

I feel like a total dick bc then my son won’t really see her, I feel like that’s my fault and not fair to him She knows this and will use this to take advantage of you as long as you allow it. Givers need to learn limits because takers have NONE. She will bleed you dry if you allow it. Tell her she has seven days to figure something out - you're not married anymore and its not your job to take care of this person. She is an adult and can figure it out.| EDIT: do not cosign anything or be tied to…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 02:05 PM
4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA0EzwSbn4A
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 02:02 PM
3

We don’t have any kids. Not minimizing your pain and stress but holy hell you are lucky. As for valid reasons? Anyone can get divorced for any reason at all. Someone could have left the lid off the OJ and that is a reason. You don't need her permission. And I say this as the person who was dumped.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 02:32 PM
13

Everything has been pretty amicable and we had agreed on everything And Now she comes back and said she wants to try and stay in the house... she had searched around trying to find a 3 BR house and apartment but everything is super expensive to rent for that size...more than our house payment. Ok so I REALLY hope you have an attorney because what is happening is reality is setting in for her and when it comes to money and housing, if things sour the whole 'amicable' thing is going to go right ou…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/25 04:43 PM
11

I still love her with everything I have and don’t want this to end. She knows this and WILL use this against you in the divorce. Its not easy to hear but this is a business deal now. You CANNOT think or act like a husband. She wants a divorce? GIVE IT TO HER.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/25 01:43 PM
4

She still has the house key and garage door opener that were in it. unplug the opener. IF you're not able to change the locks ADD a new lock i.e. a second deadbolt.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 02:57 AM
9

She has said that if I file here in Nevada that she will not cooperate or sign anything. Well bad news for her, if not cooperating worked there would be an untold amount of people who never got divorced because the other person didnt want it. LAWYER ASAP - and FILE yourself ASAP and get it locked into NV.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/25 04:54 PM
1

If they were 183+ days you should be ok but yeah, run it past your attorney. Flip side of MFJ: you'll see one last w2 from her (unless you're agreeing to exchange tax returns each year). tip: CS is based on income and over nights. DONT let them use AGI - for starters there is ways to reduce that AND you also dont want to get hit if youve got investments that generate interest/dividends.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 04:17 PM
2

My attorney had advised me to file MFJ this past year... Got hozed on taxes because my stbxw changed her withholdings to bascially nothing - we're currently going back and forth on who has to pay what in the tax bill. They are saying an even split where im saying they can pay more like 70/30 because they didnt have anything withheld.... so watch out for that. If they dont agree im going to file MFS and they are totally on their own with their tax liability. FYI only ONE of you can file HOH if yo…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 03:45 PM
9

Listen I get it - Im dealing with essentially the same thing Mid 40s, them getting a house/trips/etc and i'm handing over a ton of cash and some of my retirement - I will say the father out the less you'll care until one day... you wont. I am super depressed about this. I feel like my only purpose in life now is to keep working so I can keep giving her money. Consider the money you're paying to her in a settlement a payment for not having to deal with them daily. The CS is for your kid. FUTURE m…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 03:40 PM
24

Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer: You need a lawyer asap - even if you dont move forward you MUST educate yourself on things (custody, home, retirements, assets, debt, etc) Because you dropping divorce on her, even as a non-serious conversation - you cannot un ring this bell. Why do you need a lawyer? Because you now must assume SHE is talking to a lawyer to protect herself and her interests. Even if you don't realize it you've fired the first shot in a possible war and you need to haul your ass to an att…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 07:36 PM
3

She wants am Ambical Divorce and is willing to split everything by limiting Attorney cost. this will go out the window once money/support (child/spousal) come into play. GET YOUR OWN LAWYER - if things go super well they dont need to do much but you need to understand your ability to make long term well planned decisions is shot to hell right now. You need to basically pay for the guidance now so FUTURE you is ok. I am in mad love with her and she knows that but she will not budge. She WILL use …
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 08:53 PM
3

Process (them saying they wanted a divorce) in Oct 2022. They moved out Nov 22. I was an idiot and spent 6 months trying to save things but eventually filed in May 23. Separation of income in Oct 23 and then thing finally got rolling. STILL ongoing but in home stretch. Hope to be done by this summer. Lawyer cost: 30k as of today
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 05:03 PM
5

Ive asked my kids if they even REMEMBER being that young... they wont remember things but they do remember how they felt. OP just make them feel happy and you're golden.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/25 03:33 AM
10

As with all parts of reddit you need to be aware of the sub culutre. I comment there, same as here. The thing I try to do on any of the divorce subs is comment / question JUST ON THE PRATICAL PARTS OF A DIVORCE. The whole topic is emotinal as hell. Just like my divorce, your divorce, anyones divorce, as soon as you let emotion run the show you are screwed. So while the posts/comments there can be swayed I dont address or engage and if I feel the need to do so its as general as I can be with a fo…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 01:28 AM
2

Sounds like that would be a moving goalpost. Oh hey were you in my house? Goal post movement was a well established event here.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 04:56 PM
5

One of the reasons my stbxw said she was leaving was I didnt yell during disagreements. "You're too calm. It's like you don't even care!" Like, Im trying to solve the problem, what good does it do to flip out? Apparently she wanted me to match her energy ("Show some passion!") and scream and yell.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 02:45 PM
2

With your step kids being older they might retain a connection HOWEVER mentally prep yourself for one phone call a year on your birthday and maybe a card at Christmas. There is a ton of collateral damage in a divorce and relationships OTHER than your spouse can be one of em.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 08:37 PM
3

Consult with attorneys. Find one you like and have them get things going. One mistake I made was filing/serving her and THEN starting on the MSA/custody agreement. I should have found someone willing to draft it all for me and have her served WITH the documents. She might have signed. Im almost done but its cost me nearly 30k and taken over two years... and I wasnt even the one who wanted this.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 05:40 PM
3

They hate to see a guy just relax. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWhZ2XS08aQ
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 05:24 PM
2

Have your paycheck deposited into your own account from this point on. I was told to do these things and I thought I would be amicable and nice by not doing it. I was wrong she cleaned me out Meanwhile my lawyer said "it will all level out" and guess what? it did NOT lol. OP listen up and get new checking!
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 09:07 PM
4

where she has no access Said it in another comment but putting it here as well: get a totally new email, move ALL your stuff to that, and change ALL (and I mean ALL) your passwords.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 02:18 PM
11

ACTION YOU NEED TO TAKE: GET A TOTALLY NEW EMAIL Set up Two Factor log in on that email Move ALL your log ins to EVERYTHING to the new email. ANYTHING is a window into your life. Water bill, amazon, library, retuirement, gaming account, etc it all shows what you're doing/thinking/buying/acessing. Change all of THOSE passwords as well FYI: Google and many others have the ability to see what has account access: https://support.google.com/accounts/answer/3067630?hl=en Once she realizes you've chang…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 02:17 PM
2

Very welcome. I hope you get a quick resolution to things. Dont tell her anything, good or bad, let the lawyers do it. Anything you say will be deemed BS and she will hate you for it when it comes true anyway. Be cold and calm. This is just a business deal now. She will say insane things to get you upset. KNOW that if you're getting angry/upset you've already won because her pulling that is her last ditch option to get you to screw yourself via an EMOTIONAL response vs a logical one. My wife doe…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 02:11 PM
3

It’s just hard to focus on anything else. If you need something to focus on, focus on this: the job of getting divorced. It is now the third most important thing in your life: your kids - they are first priority now and decisions you make need to take yourself into account and then them (NOT your stbx wife) your actual job - this is the thing that generates income and allows you to live and support yourself and your kids. If you havent done so already tell your supervisor (not a ton just "im goi…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/25 09:25 PM
2

They have been staying at her place the whole time, with me coming over 3 days a week to care for them by myself. You NEED to establish OVERNIGHTS at your place 50% of the time ASAP - The way the court will look at things is staus quo is they are with mom 100% of the time. You'll be lucky to get 2 weekends a month and week in the summer. CS/Custody is OVERNIGHTS. Get on it now. She's been laying the ground work to screw you once someone files.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/25 01:48 PM
10

Listen Im just going to be blunt: Youre likely in panic mode. UNDERSTAND that your ability to make ANY well rounded decision is SHOT TO HELL. You are not going to be thinking strait. I was a god damn mess the first 72 hours and did NOT make smart moves. The BEST thing you can do if you meet is say as little as possible. The more you say the more you're going to screw future you. DOnt tell her shes making a mistake or any of that line of though. You're going to want to think like a husband. You c…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 08:48 PM
5

or she was guilt ridden due to the cheating and rolled over. Anyway, congrats to OP
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 05:21 PM
5

You need to talk to an attorney. Even if you think you dont and everything in your mind is telling you that you dont.... you do. With a child in the mix, doubly so. Your have to accept that your decision making ability is currently broken. You need to have someone to guide you now for the sake of FUTURE you because that guy is SCREAMING at you back in time for you to take action. Ive spent about 30k so if you got questions please ask, would love to save people money/time/stress INTINAL ACTION: h…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 02:27 PM
1

INTINAL ACTION: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1ir0ct6/how_do_i_start/md4pmev/ LAWYER SEARCH: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1iusx50/recommendation_for_a_divorce_lawyer/me01gdj/ What she does with her money is a big secret. You need to get a copy of a paystub because that will show you all her accounts that her pay goes into. If you're thinking divorce you need to talk to a lawyer asap. She does not have to know. You need to do this to protect yourself. Do not leave your ho…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 02:24 PM
2

Eventually your kids are going to be old enough to understand. My kids are not quite teens yet but ive made it known that if mom is working they would be with me. There have been a few times that mom put the kids with her mother over me. When they kids returned they let me know and I told them "the agreement says you're supposed to be here, you mom never told me she was working" but thats about a big a deal as I make it. if its only a few times a year you're probably SOL but if you document it h…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 08:48 PM
2

Suggestion: get a totally new email for yourself you dont know where you're logged in and can keep this email for lawyer BS you can move all other log ins over to this one
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 06:21 PM
2

I don't know if you share a PC or other device but now is the time to do a password dump and/or see if they are logged in elsewhere. ANy old phones or tablets laying around? EDIT: Run a credit report!
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 04:54 PM
3

Good luck! If you find her getting to you just remember: if shes yelling she has nothing left. She's just trying to get you to flip out. In that moment know you've won and just run out the clock.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 02:37 PM
5

Some other tips: download all your phone statements (call/text history) if you're on the same carrier if you share a log in, get google location data http://maps.google.com/maps/timeline download all your bank and CC statements going back as far as you can and look for odd purchases Check any photo shares (apple/amazon/google) for uploaded photos/screen shots Check all amazon purchase history Check apps downloaded (but not installed) via google/apple Assume they will mass delete information and …
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 02:06 PM
6

Still will not accept this still. Once you're divorced the state will force her to accept it. You might have to ride this out until the legal end of things are done and then change the locks and physically toss her stuff out. I’m sure she’ll fight over every little thing. Come to peace with giving up some stuff: physical stuff, money, etc. KNOWING you're going to lose some stuff makes ending things easier to accept. Personally I told my spouse "take whatever you want" and they did and I don't mi…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 02:02 PM
1

when she isnt trying to give me full custody. If you can establish a history of her flaking on time/giving it to you, document document document and you'll have a argument on the legal side.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 03:00 AM
3

Ah, could be sad could be a tactic. At the very least, even if you're not married - Talk to a FAMILY attorney about what you might need in the way of a custody agreement, support, etc. Better to know now and not need it than things go sideways (i.e. she dips with the kid) and you're in the wind trying to learn as you go.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 02:59 AM
9

My thought here is she's having an affair and is currently pregnant or fears she is. OP - do NOT have sex with her. Additionally IVF has visits and costs (10k+ PER ROUND) and takes time (1-2months to get rolling). Shes 41, so advanced maternal age. Doctors would be wary as IVF success rates are around 10–20% over 40. If she shows up and tells you shes pregnant you need to ask to see all the medical bs asap be expected to help raise a child that isn’t biologically mine just to satisfy her desire …
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 03:06 AM
2

100% same bs here. WE FINALLY have a date in May. I've been separated since Dec 2022. CONSTANT delays, extensions, continuances, etc etc. My attorney has told me its a combination of them dragging it our hoping i cave and their lawyer being inept.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 10:00 PM
3

I'm panicking about becoming homeless. Losing everything - because that's what I've been told. I'm so desperate to get out of this marriage that I know it'll be worth it, but I don't know how I'll far you wont lose everything but you'll be giving up a lot. Dont leave your home, no matter how much she says you need to or have to because you've started this process. You leave when you're legally required to do so. I don't think my STBXW will go for a fully amicable divorce, I know she's gonna be s…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 03:12 PM
1

A kid would tie you to this person for the rest of you lives. If you want out, just get out. You WONT be able to do it without collateral damage (i.e. being the bad guy). Six months to a year post divorce you wont even care anymore about what you're thinking of yourself now and what others think. And I'm saying this as the person who was dumped.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 08:05 PM
1

she will be working regardless. Watch out for her to reside with family/friends/new person Just be ready to deal with some bs is all im saying
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 07:02 PM
16

What I don’t understand is I have to file a quit claim deed so the property is hers, but I’m still going to be on the mortgage. Quit claim takes you off the deed, yes. But You need to get off the loan as well. You (hell, ANYONE) can make a payment on a loan and not be on it. Don't let them tell you otherwise. Is it ORDERED you must remain on it? If so that's INSANE because its on your credit which CAN impact your ability to rent and for sure buy something. As far as the BANK is concerned you own…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 06:01 PM
2

You're on a divorce forum so you're already HEAVILY considering it even if you're thinking you're not. My only advice for you is DO NOT get her pregnant right now. You toss a kid in this mix and your life is going to get immeasurably more complicated.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 05:57 PM
3

Also in IL reach out to your bank and see if you can do an home ASSUMPTION - this way you retain your rate. Process is 6-12mo though so seek extra time to get it done. Staying the home, or area, is important because in IL once you move 20-25+ miles away it WILL impact custody (i.e. moving 30miles away is unreasonable for 50/50 because of travel back and forth to school) for the 401k and savings, its all one big pool so you could give more savings and less 401k. Maybe even more if you assume the …
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 05:51 PM
14

Last month, my STBXW texted me. and I replied that she had scheduled the appointment, not me. I'm gonna stop you right there. There is a solution here that I have had proven results with. For you and everyone reading this remember this - for future communication remember three things: narrow, slow, and brief. Narrow: move it all over to email. Next text you reply via email (i.e. RE: Text 03/05 Kids Dr Appt). If its a in person conv, email. Message though the kids, email. If they reply it will fo…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 11:15 PM
1

You need to talk to an attorney. Even if you think you dont and everything in your mind is telling you that you dont.... you do. Your have to accept that your decision making ability is currently broken. You need to have someone to guide you now for the sake of FUTURE you because that guy is SCREAMING at you back in time for you to take action. INTINAL ACTION: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1ir0ct6/how_do_i_start/md4pmev/ LAWYER SEARCH: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1iusx5…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 02:57 PM
1

no more husband stuff. 100% this op. That INCLUDES doing anything as a spouse, ie. you're not a team anymore. You put yourself and kids first. She is on her own. Don't let her use you - she knows you love her and she will bleed you dry if you allow it. EDIT: Shes saying amicable now but by her definition that means you do whatever she wants. The MOMENT you do something she doesn't like (probably something with money) she WILL flip out. DO NOT tell her how any of this works - my big mistake was l…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 02:52 PM
3

while my youngest—being a momma’s boy—splits time between both of us. This reads like you're upset your youngest is choosing her over you by splitting time. Kids, young ones for sure, will want both parents. Kids are in the middle here, they didnt ask for any of this. As much as I would love my kids with me 100% of the time I know its not going to happen and not fair to them or their mother. WIth your older ones being with you more than mom your youngest, as he ages, will probably do the same. I…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 03:05 PM
2

Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 04:07 PM
1

Depending on your states rules alimony could be based off your respective incomes from work. If shes not working, even with a huge cash reserve, you could have to pay. Again, with a CA div you need an attorney, ESPICALLY if she has one.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 02:31 PM
12

At ten years old he will remember this forever. Bluntly: this will become a core memory as its a milestone event in his life. What we did with our kids no specail treats or big shows before hand - I didnt want movies/gifts/events to be associated with this day. It was just a run of the mill day. Tell him in the day time, early morning or around lunch is best. Worst thing you can do is drop this on him before bed and then he's alone thinking about it. do it as a team (if your ex is willing) and R…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 02:29 PM
3

You're already ahead of me. I spent six months until I pulled my head out of my butt.... I WAS the one who filed. You want her to wake up? You file. Then its game on, as YOU have taken control.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 11:11 PM
2

Eventually she will likely move towards the school and I'll have to either move close to the school (or her house) and have a 30 minute commute into work or drive the 2 hours a day. Likely means f-all. If anything you should assume she would move to another district/further away. PUSH TO BE PRIMAY PARENT - 183+ days, and then your home is 'home' for school choice.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 09:05 PM
2

100k part time OP should hope the court imputes his ex's salary at full time.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 06:53 PM
7

She is choosing to work part time. I have a full time job. She is demanding child support and half of my retirement. We are negotiating. Neither of us wants a trial. Part of this process is making peace with losing things. Unless there is something to offset your retirement its gonna get split. DO NOT let her say "give me more retirement for no child support". That is a scam - she can file for CS a day after its final and the ink is still wet. Make an offer: Child support based of her full time …
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 02:57 PM
13

Annoying? Yes. But we've got kids. Frankly I think it makes sense. A year or two later you wont care. Source: its a year or two later and I dont care
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 02:49 PM
1

IANAL: If its not comingled (mixed with martial funds) it would be all hers
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 02:46 PM
1

She provides insurance but a previous child from her past relationship is also on that. For clarification how many kids total are you the legal parent of? Your post sounds like two kids but is there are third or is it two with another parent? If you're only legal parent to ONE then these CS calcs should be for ONE as the other child would fall under CS for another father.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 09:16 PM
9

ALSO IN ILLINOIS - Please read my comment her lawyer is claiming I owe $1500/month plus medical. That is just them being nuts and designed to send you into freak out mode. Take a deep breath. This will not be it. Have your attorney draft a calculation based off the "Shared Physical Care Support Obligation Worksheet" and send it back. If they are using 3rd party software it might be coming up with all sorts of added BS (my stbxs attorney used something like that) but we just used the IL worksheet…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 08:56 PM
1

If you say something, in that moment you might feel good about it but later you'll regret it AND as an added bonus there could be fall out with your ex and/or kids when older. As tough as it is best to say nothing. I would just avoid talking ad if they try and chat just say "I really have nothing to say to you right now"
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 08:19 PM
1

IIRC CA has life time alimony if the marriage is over a decade so be ready for THAT. One thing I always see here is you're divorcing in CA you absolutely need a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 05:25 AM
3

Fair point. I wouldnt have thought we would divorce so I suppose I have to assume she will bad mouth me.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 05:21 AM
8

You're only seeing what she puts out for the public to see. You've got to stop looking. First of all its all show. Second you're trauma shopping. WHat she is doing is at best cruel and at WORST she is TRYING to get a reaction out of you that is god awful. DOnt be sad, be pissed she is even pulling this. For your sake delet/block all socials and put this person out of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 09:57 PM
2

I'm not saying start having a bunch of cash on hand but maybe start getting cash back everytime you shop and saving up some liquid cash. You need to protect yourself and that means seeing a lawyer or two. If you go the route of speak with a lawyer: she does not need to know consults are free but if they need payment pay in cash do not use your cell/email for scheduling - use a phone at work/pay phone and get a TOTALLY NEW EMAIL for all of the emailing. Once she gets a hint you're doing any of th…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 03:47 PM
2

Deep down you want to tell her as a "hey look what you missed" but you WILL screw yourself if you say something. DO. NOT. TELL. HER. TAKE THE WIN HERE AND WALK AWAY
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 03:09 PM
3

be the father your kids would be proud of. I can't speak for everyone but part of this is also taking on the burden of all the horrible stuff from the divorce and just never saying anything about it. I've seen enough here online were both parents weaponize things and the kids end up messed up. For those cheated on, dumping things onto your kids might make you feel good but its only for you. Part of being a parent is taking on what you can so your kids don't have to. MAYBE when my kids are adults…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 02:49 PM
1

marriage counseling. Reach out though your insurance and see what options you have. Ask she speak with her OB and be screened for PPD. Get some consults from lawyer(s) and find out how things will play out if a divorce happens - she does not need to know. Many consults are free. PAY IN CASH IF YOU HAVE TO PAY. DO NOT CALL/EMAIL USING YOUR CONTACT INFO. Call from work or use a public phone (are these even a thing?) and get a new email just for this. If she gets a whiff of you planning for a divor…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 06:23 AM
10

OP says crawling back - more like steamrolling back. OP for the LOVE OF GOD with this amount of money say N.O.T.H.I.N.G. ever. EVER EVER EVER. There is no reason to bring this up because 100% she will find a lawyer who WILL promise her they can get her a piece of this and you'll be dealing with BS in court for years. Even if there is stone cold dead no way she has any claim to this you'll spend money fighting things for YEARS. I get it - you wanna do a victory lap here. Just shut your mouth!
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 06:17 AM
1

My take: #1 is not your problem to make work. Its hers job to make this happen if she wants the home. Do not do #2. You need to totally fiscally separate yourself from this person. she will wait the full five years you will be stuck with all maintenance on this home unless otherwise specified her idea of expenses are probably just utilities five years from things will be different - you're only thinking 60k in payments, not equity. What will you think when five years later its worth 160k more th…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 10:23 PM
7

The other one,let the family and friends know about her cheating and the AP and whatnot. Its buried in my comment history - I tell people NEVER say anything until the divorce AND fiscal separation is done (all signed off and everyone who needs to get assets equalized is paid). People feel good in the moment but you're tossing kerosene onto a fire. And even then, after, its still a good idea to say nothing because ex's will get vindictive and petty once they are exposed. Its a burden people have …
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 04:15 PM
1

I hope things go how you need them to go. Biggest tip outside of the top three there - Wait 24 hours to reply to anything she says/does/emails/texts. She is gonna say things that will INFURIRUATE you but that is the reason shes doing it - to get you upset and making calls based on emotion. A ton of the cost of my divorce was because I couldn't keep my mouth shut and wait to calm down or just not even reply. Big comments I made a while back on dealing with things at the start: INTINAL ACTION: htt…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 02:35 PM
1

I know everything will be split I was told the same thing and Im down SUV (court said sign it over, lost 1/2 the value) and I'm eating a TON of money that the stbx used from joint checking as well as unrecouped medical costs (insurance premiums/copays/out of pocket costs) from 18mo of separation. Separate your income if you can and if you're carrying her on insurance ask she start paying her portion. Tip from my stbx (lol) If you're going to file joint in 2025 (and share the tax liability) consi…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 05:20 AM
20

Shed like to keep lawyers out and do mediation. So here is the deal: What she wants is no longer any of your concern. YOU NEED AN ATTORNEY. It is for your own protection and for your kids protection. 100% it's going to end up with lawyers anyway (as there are kids) AND with her making more just get one now. Says we can split everything down the middle and custody. She realizes she'll need to pay me child support as she makes way more than me. 50/50 no matter what. That is the hill you die on. Yo…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 05:15 AM
4

If possible, minimize contact where it’s not necessary. Best thing I did was request all exchanges with the kids happen at school (one parent drops the day the other parent time starts). This means I only need to 'see' the other parent MAYBE 20-30 times a year TOPS (school breaks/holidays/summer) and possibly even less if the kids just come out the door of the other parents place.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 09:46 PM
6

She was able to move on so easily and become happy with an ugly dude just because he’s validating her and taking her out to dinners. She is kicking the can down the road, not addressing anything and WHEN the new relationship bombs she will be a disaster. You're doing the work, feeling the emotions, and confronting it. Have you filed? Are you moving the legal process along? Doing THAT, separating yourself TOTALLY from this person, thats a pathway to healing. Your job is to protect yourself, and k…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 03:57 PM
1

At this point (2.5+ years) Im all vented out lol. I just want this OVERWITH, you know?
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 02:39 PM
3

Unless you've got a great divorce going, ultra low rate, and very young kids (all three things) this is a disaster waiting to happen. If she wants the house she can buy you out - how she does it is NOT your problem. You need to totally detach yourself from this person and that might mean selling the home. DONT let her put it on you when that has to happen - you're divorced, there is no doing anyone any favors anymore. SHe can buy it or you sell. DONT MAKE THIS COMPLICATED JUST BECAUSE CURRNET YO…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 08:44 PM
2

ast night, I was looking at old pictures from Valentine’s Days past—2023, 2022—and for a moment, I thought, life was good then. And then the thought hits: Did I make a mistake ending it? Could I have worked harder, done something differently? You're trauma shopping. Delete the photos or at the very least untag the person.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 09:43 PM
3

Sounds like we're in the same situation. FYI if you can assume the mortgage that is the much better option, downside is it can take longer than a refi. Ive floated the QDRO to them with the extra money for taxes but they are not motivated so Ill end up burning a ton of the 401k to get it done. As you said, wont have the over-spender so that will help.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 06:30 AM
1

Are we talking income or custody? income wise she might get a break but it wont last long. Custody - If the kid is yours - The few years the child would be with mom almost exclusively, due to them feeding. If the kid is not yours - thats her problem.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 09:30 PM
6

my stbx would work every valentines day and bank extra OT because so many people took off so i've been alone on this day for YEARS lol.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 06:59 PM
3

look to see if you can ASSUME your mortgage - that way you keep your rate trading retirement for home equity is a last resort in my opinion. If its just about keeping the house because its 'your' you might want to sell/split. If there are logistical reasons, like you're primary parent and are staying there so the kids dont move schools, thats a better reason. get the house appraised and hire YOUR own appraiser. They work for you. They will go lower. Assume she will get her own as well and you'll…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 04:00 PM
1

SO happy to hear you've got that flexibility. I dont know if you have Right of First refusal in your custody stuff but it would allow you the chance to take more time with your kid when your ex is working, as opposed to some other person watching (sitter, family member, etc). She works 3 overnight shifts per week but I notice she has been doing 4 some weeks but if falls within the 50/50 range. Give it some time and I would bet they move to days. My stbx had overnights but with 50/50 they QUICKLY…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 02:38 PM
3

or let the processor serve her. You're going to have to get her at a time shes not suspecting it. Work, drop off of kids, somewhere public she frequents but wont expect it. If you were like me and being nice (i didnt want a scene) It will take forever. I said please only do it a X location and they kept trying but they were being ducked. FInally I said the hell with it, get them at work. They did.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/25 06:13 PM
1

She always says she still loves me in any of these fights. This will end once the reality of things hit. If you divorce you're both looking at 50/50, but shes also looking at the loss of your income, insurance, she parents solo 50% of the time, basically her quality of life tanks. Loves you? Dude she will want to see your life burned down. As others said, dont leave. Remember, until someone files this is just an expensive and elaborate fight. You need to talk to a lawyer asap. WHEN someone files…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/25 03:07 PM
23

Just healing needs to be done for the both of you. Translation: OH hey its me assigning blame to both of you! I just wanted you to know that. Translation: She wanted me to send you this to get inside your head and set you back on your recovery BLOCK THIS PERSON
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/25 03:03 PM
5

Its the same no matter the gender. There are plenty of stories here and on r/divorce as well. As with all of them we're only getting one side of the story. HELL, even I know what I put here is MY SIDE only. But at least I know im biased. I tell anyone that asks about CS and spousal support: If you're entitled it SP, or if there are kids CS, anyone should get what they are legally entitled to, no matter the gender. People absolute screw themselves by not taking it or being 'nice'. FLip side is I …
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/25 08:32 PM
2

It can be state dependent. Most are moving to flat 50/50 (with one parent named primary for the purpose of 'home' for school registration) barring any insane issues. Some will mandate the primary get 60+ to start IF there isnt an agreement made between the parents General odds of 50/50: https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/research/dads-custody-time-by-state.php Essentially if you're not in a default 50/50 state and your spouse is unreasonable, OR you are dealing with the inability to show you …
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/25 06:37 PM
3

No on the sale. You need a 3rd party - SOMEONE SHE DOES NOT KNOW PROFESSIONALLY. she need to pay her own car loan or at the very least SPLIT it. FYI you are due equity from the car!!! Surgery is on here (figuratively and literally) because you have no equity to recoup. Do NOT be nice about the CC debt! FUTURE YOU DOESNT CARE ABOUT HER AND WISHES YOU HAD SPLIT IT. ALL ASSETS AND DEBT FROM THE MARRIGE NEED TO BE EQUALIZED.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 05:35 PM
1

At the start EVERYTHING did for me as well. Physically separating yourself as much as possible and scheduling yourself to not be there if they are can help. If you find yourself being upset/sad/angry, and I know its easy for me to say, tell yourself "This is my brain making a chemical response to external stimuli". Drink a glass of water. Go outside and get some air. With you being the one to ask, once the process starts to move along more, she will probably say you need to go but until there is…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 03:15 PM
3

Soon to be ex is MD who works odd hours/nights/weekends so I can chime in. I will start by saying if you've got 50/50 you need to do what you can to keep it. The one thing we cannot make more of is time. Once it is gone, its gone forever. While custody ends at 18 we really only 'have' our kids until they are 13-14. By then they are off with friends discovering who they are going to be. Young years are beyond precious. Now is the time to a) see what accommodations your job can provide and b) star…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 04:08 AM
6

Told my parents. Told my siblings. Told VERY close (non-mutual) friends. Consider anyone on her side of the family gone - even if you've known them for decades they will pick a side and it wont be you. Mutual friends will also choose sides. You're going to lose more than her so come to grips with that now. She suddenly insisted she would never agree to a divorce, making it seem like she just wants to drag this out. Well good luck to her because it's gonna happen. There are ways to slow the proce…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 08:33 PM
3

I'll tell them later but not now. I hope you wait until they are MUCH older and they come to YOU and ask. Personally I dont ever plan on telling the kids anything other than 'your mom wanted other things and not to be married' and they are free to ask HER what happened. She's moving out soon. I went though the same thing and them moving out is about the best possible thing you could hope for. I think she's afraid to say more because she knows if the infidelity price comes out it will ruin her re…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 08:24 PM
1

Fast forward, she filed I think this Friday for divorce, Get online, search for your county clerk of court website. It should allow you to search by name(s). Start looking and you'll see if something is filed.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 08:16 PM
8

She has an order of protection that probably is gonna get me put in jail cause I can't stop staying shit to her If you're being baited into contact, STOP taking the bait. That bait lands you in JAIL and will screw. up. your. life 10x worse than a divorce. If you're allowed to communicate with her at all, move it ALL to email and WAIT 24 HOURS to reply to ANYTHING. Set your phone background/lock screen to the words "SHUT THE HELL UP" and live by that. If you end up in jail you're going to need TW…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 08:14 PM
5

First six months: DAILY Second six months: Weekly Third six months: A whole lot less. Its GOOD to cry it out and feel the emotions. Leaving it all bottled up is no good. Therapy is a must. Talking to trusted friends/family is a must (please note most people will listen for about a year then it becomes old news/repetitive so a paid therapist is ideal for long term venting) Do the work now so you're not suddenly trying to process this years after the fact.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 04:19 PM
5

50/50 agreed. More like 52/48 with the extra days I have them due to her working as a MD. Kids have said they prefer it here. I DO NOT try and capitalize on things, as much as I would love to. They need to figure things out organically. I wont push them to ask to be here more. If it happens, it happens. I know once she starts openly dating someone things will change.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 02:33 AM
9

Additional BS they are floating: NO more Head of Household tax status, child care credit, higher ed credits, etc Those of us with kids (men and women) are gonna shoulder a larger tax burden. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-tax-cuts-extension-republican-salt-deduction-student-loans/
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 03:51 PM
4

It’s exhausting dudes. This, right here, is her play. She will keep you on your heels. She will have you making decisions based of emotion and not off of long term practical things. Reread your own posts and pretend I asked what to do. What advice would you give me? She wants to make you the bad guy here no matter what so come to grips with that. It wont matter what you do the goal posts will be moved again and again. Basically, are you willing to be THIS mentally/emotionally drained for the res…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 04:54 PM
12

SAY NOTHING UNITL THE DIVORCE IS FINAL IF he wants to drop the news, do it AFTER all legal entanglements are completed. Shaking the boat now will only cause more drama/expense. If he can use it to his advantage (leverage) in the divorce he might want to use it. If he does not have kids with this person and will never had to see her again, I would say something. If he DOES have kids, he would need to consider the long term consequences of having to deal with the EX (she WOULD harbor resentment ev…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 04:49 PM
1

Look at your MSA. Unless there is something in there ordering you to carry either one, you have two options: drop ask for payment to be retained
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 04:08 PM
3

Spouse born on major holiday so its been SUPER fun dealing with that in the custody agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 04:07 PM
1

Real talk: You need a custody agreement NOW. If you move out of state she WILL file one establishing herself as primary parent in the state of PA with 100% custody (and support to match). You'll be lucky to get 1 weekend a month and 2 weeks in the summer.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 07:45 PM
1

If he decides that he wants to live with me after the fact, how would that work? Does it mean I have to take her back to court? Can something be filed just in the matters of custody? If you're looking to make it legal with the courts and/or increase/decrease CS due to overnights, then back to court. If EVERYONE (you/ex/son) is just cool with things... on paper it can say whatever but he could live with you as much as he wants. But if mom says no, then you'll have to go though the process.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 07:43 PM
1

Hope things work out!
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 04:48 PM
1

She needs to complete the refi in any time allotted in the decree. The murky issue is you're still solely on the mortgage/deed the BANK wont give a damn about her... just you. So if this renter trashes the place/burns it down/whatever it would be on you. Are you still paying the mortgage? Are you getting your equity? You could contact your ex and if you're paying things you would let them know YOU get the rent until the transfer is completed. ANd if she cannot take over the home, thats on her. M…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 03:35 PM
3

Borrowing against is better than cashing it out, so there is that. I had to put some stuff on Credit cards. I leaned fast to only communicate when needed and to group things in a large email. I HAD to learn to stop entertaining things that were, at the end of the day, more emotional than operational. Is your spouse in a situation where they would love to see you run dry? If so you may NOT want to tip your hand that is the case.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 08:06 PM
9

But I wish she cheated, I wish she did ANYTHING that would make me be able to just emotionally turn it off. Meanwhile I wish I had what you're dealing with. Let me tell you, you NEVER emotionally turn off. Even with stuff like that - if anything its worse because you're dealing with being horribly wronged AND the marriage ending. Not minimizing your pain, just my perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 04:25 PM
1

FYI OP deleted his account but its for the best if his ex knows about it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 10:37 PM
2

You've got about five years with the 12-13 year old of back and forth (depending on your states rules with kids having a choice of where they want to be). Staying in the home (which the kids will think of "home") is a good move imo. Once your yougest is out you might want to sell. _ If you're selling (or buy out) you need to talk to your lawyer on how you're doing the value/debt on the house - if you're going to be the only one paying you might want to establish the value/debt as of today becaus…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 08:30 PM
2

38% is a DEAL. I'm down 60% to save my home and have spent something like 25-30k on the div itself.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 04:05 PM
5

Getting the real deal, both from those that went though it and an attorney, will make it easier to accept. And if you gotta cry, cry it out. Feel those feelings. Bottling it up is BAD news. Work though it because she is not. Do it for your kids. You might end up like me and, despite her asking, you'll end up filing. Hell, if I was you I would at this point. She can get a bonk over the head of "oh this is real". No more thinking like a husband here. Do it for future you because that guy Does NOT …
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 03:53 AM
17

You might slip up but please dont beat yourself up when you do. At the start my decision making ability was shot to hell. The first 90 days I was a disaster. But about two weeks in someone TOLD me that I wasnt going to be thinking right and I was glad to hear that because it made me slow things down. Not all the time (one of my quick/emotional replies to her cost me legit 5k) but almost all the time. This will be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life but you WILL make it. It seems insa…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 10:36 PM
52

lawyer yesterday dont drink dont move out sperate your income Move ALL your communications with her to email and (this is important) wait 24 hours to reply to anything - Phones get wiped/socials deleted and in person convos mis remembered. Email is a electronic trail and waiting 24 hours will let you cool off and think things though. This person wants you on your heels making short term decisions based off of emotion and not long term ones in a pragmatic manner. They know all your buttons and ho…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 09:33 PM
1

She’s trying to control any and every situation she can. The other purpose it serves is to rattle your cage. It’s working. Don’t give her any emotion. That’s what she’s feeding off of. I've said it here on reddit many times, be it a man or woman, the ex/spouse knows you well and all your buttons and WILL push them to get you making emotional short term choices vs logical long term ones. I came to understand that if I was upset I was NOT in a place where I could make a good decision so I forced m…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 03:17 PM
1

My ex just interferes every chance she gets. How is she doing that?
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 07:25 PM
1

Anything morality related is essentially unenforceable. Dont even bother but feel free to add it just assume it wont be followed. Schedule wise, if you're out in public (i.e. a kid event) it is reasonable to expect her to be there, same as you doing it on her time. That said, here is another copy/paste job from a prior comment of mine, for recommendations on custody stuff. Ill say this for custody stuff: you can never be overly specific on things. Much of the anger in the process was learning th…
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 07:21 PM
2

My question is let's say I file, can I back out if she does a 180? I know I'm dreaming. Yes, you can withdraw the filing. That said, she can counter file and then you're still in it. If she does nothing after you withdraw she would have to file on her own.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 07:16 PM
12

I’m not sure about calling her out on the BS or just basically saying okay and moving on. Gotta play the long game. When in doubt, say nothing. You're totally allowed, and right, to be upset. And you can be, just not in front of the kids or her. Your kids need you to be the solid stable one not bring in a rotating cast of people. They will know whats up soon enough and you'll be the parent they go to years from now (the one who put them first).
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/25 11:46 PM
5

I provide EVERYTHING. and Idk what to do anymore. You need to talk to some layers. SHE DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW. You MUST educate yourself on the process and possible outcomes. She needs to get a job asap. Even if you do not decide to leave her she needs to be working and share the load. And IF you do decide its over she wont be able to cry foul and say she needs spousal support. FYI: CALIFORNIA IS LIFE TIME SPOUSAL SUPPORT FOR MARRIAGES OVER 10 YEARS
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 04:00 PM
7

What do I do next? You need to understand that your ability to make rational and long term decisions is going to be completely messed up for a little bit. That is normal. If you know that you'll at least have some self awareness that you're not thinking strait. So you need to protect FUTURE you. You do that by seeking legal representation. SHE DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW. You need to be educated about the process and likely outcomes - custody, financial, housing, etc I don't see going back for more af…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 06:35 PM
5

All your problems should be saved for: Your attorney Your therapist Your Family VERY close friends (not mutual) And even then choose wisely what you share w/family and friends. Don't share anything that you're not comfortable with being broadcast. Some people will do it on accident, others with malice. Half the people in ones life don't care you've got problems and the other half are happy that you have them. Knowledge is power and the less information you put out into the universe that could ge…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 03:31 PM
2

Once we are divorced my schedule will not allow me to take them to school and pick them up. You need to look into what programs/options there are for before and after school care NOW. If you do not have the option for a early drop off (Before school start) program your wife can, and will, make the case the kids will be with her for school overnights. 183/182 is 50/50. Child support is based on over nights. You're looking at Fri-sat-sun every other weekend which is all of 78 days and maybe anothe…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 05:46 PM
6

Things get WAY WAY better after the holidays. At not even six months you're at the worst of it but know it will get easier. 12-18mo things will really turn around and by 24mo you'll be 95% back to what is now a new normal.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 05:36 PM
3

my ex is basically demanding I bow to every little demand or she threatens to not let me take kids on vacation or have Christmas with them etc. You've got another 11months to sort things out via an official court order/custody agreement. Don't wait for her to draft it. Get an attorney to draft one yourself (so you can put in what you want) but absolutly expect her to take issue with EVERTHING in it and WHEN she does, say you'll go to a judge and let them decide. As long as what you're putting in…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 08:51 PM
25

She was all pissy because I agreed to sleep at my parents place that night and other times we planned. Stop leaving your home. Remain in the house nightly. The house is in both our names, but I pay the mortgage as the breadwinner. get a new checking account divert all your funds there move 1/2 your mortgage back into the main account ask she start covering 1/2 the mortgage with her own money Either you both sell the home or one of you takes it on, either way every month that goes by shes getting…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 05:25 PM
5

IF you look though it and IF you find anything, you need to do the following: document (via screen shots you pull off/text yourself [and then delete]) OR via a data dump/back up only confront her (or better yet tell your lawyer!) with information IF IT IS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE (ie. info showing her hiding money or plans to turn your kids against you) If its just drama or proof of cheating (as many states DONT care) there is nothing to be gained by letting them know. As much as it sucks, you need to …
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/25 04:51 PM
1

Anyways that's just me being emotional lol. Don't beat yourself up on this, if you are. You KNOW you're thinking with emotions which is start. One thing i've found in this entire process is its great when we know we're not thinking strait. We can step back and try and look at things from the outside. I had a ton of things that i had to make peace with (i.e. "losing" on things) but once i got over them, it was just the cost of doing business. I cost myself so much needless money trying to fight o…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 08:25 PM
1

She just needs to hear it from someone other then me Oh yea, everything I ever said was deemed BS until it came from their lawyer. If she won't agree to a simple calculated equity buy out and still insists on getting all her money she paid for mortgage over the 2.5 years then it's in my best interest to just sell and well both just take a hit I guess. If it gets in front of a judge they wont care what she wants, just the simple math will be presented. THAT SAID you might want to do the math - wi…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 04:35 PM
4

Legally and logically the money is your daughters to keep however kids tend to listen to adults and think they must comply. There is nothing preventing you from getting her another account opened by you, one that uses venmo or zelle and uses her email. If the other parent is paying cash they might also be inclined to transfer it electronically and take physical cash out of the equation so your ex has nothing to confiscate. Edit: Maybe have a convo with your kid about broadcasting what she intend…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 04:30 PM
2

From your post I live in Texas and have expanded possession of my 9-year-old daughter. Under our current arrangement, I have her every Thursday, as well as the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends of each month. If they move out of state there goes your Thursdays - HOW would you do school? So you're losing 12 days at least. And weekends are gonna be a mess for travel. If you drop at school on mondays, well there goes ANOTHER 36 days. So give mom another 48 overnights and CS will increase. You know deep do…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 04:27 PM
1

How much either of you paid into it is not a factor. Value less debt, divide by two. That half is her equity and what you would need to pay her. How is either another asset, cash, equity loan, or other considerations. With the repairs.... you COULD try and get it done before you agree on a value, otherwise its all on you to do. THAT SAID if you get it assessed (get your own assessor!) the needed repairs would be factored into the value (driving it down). we have fence and roof repairs still that…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 04:23 PM
3

with zero language in the agreement supporting this Full stop. Without anything in the legal agreement whatever she 'decreed' means nothing. If your child doesn't already have a checking/savings account, its time to get them one. You should be able to open a sub account or separate account that you have control over for them to use. Anything they earn, just stick it in the bank.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 04:19 PM
8

she “gets it now” and desperately wants to preserve the family, No. She sees how her life style wont be the same and now she wants a do-over. The family is an after thought.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 08:39 PM
2

until she gets a job I'm also supporting my STBXW You need to put a time table on that (something in writing she acknowledges like an email) otherwise you're setting up a status quo situation - ie. when you go to court she gets to argue you've been giving her money and it should continue post divorce
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/24 05:50 PM
3

but I’m trying to do what’s best for the kid and I haven’t a clue. My heart just keeps breaking that she seems to only want him as a prop or an accessory and not to actually coparent and raise him with love and support. What are my options that will be best for what little bit of family I have left? You are still thinking with a married dads mindset trying to do what is best for EVERYONE (including your ex) before yourself. What is best is stability and if that means you get full or close to ful…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 08:20 PM
7

IF you've got a $25m+ business you can and should get an attorney. Doubly so because you're in CA. Marriage over 10 years and you're on the hook for life time alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 03:44 PM
2

Or i am "the man of the house" and is not her fault thati dont make too much money Your labor as a sahd allowed her to work and further her career and make what she did. unless you sent the kids to a sitter/with family and spent all day and night out partying, any argument that is made that you're not due anything is BS. DO NOT entertain any of the 'be a man' or 'you dont get child support' comments. If the roles were flipped she would absolutely be seeking it. And you SHOULD seek it because, fr…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 03:42 PM
2

Good luck man. Might also be worth a post (or search for posts) on /r/relationships and /r/relationship_advice - there are numerous posts out there for people (men and women) who have spouses who have come out as bi or gay. You said there is no one to talk to about it... honestly if you can get a therapist. Even if its just to vent. It might be a $25 copay or even free though your health insurance. Its ok and normal to be down. dont drink/use drugs confide in friends and get out of the house no …
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 03:12 PM
15

No support groups for people like me is there? /r/straightspouses I believe there is another support sub for folks who have spouses that have come out but it escapes me at the moment.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 03:06 PM
2

So its a good bet she has spoken with an attorney, someone she knows that is divorced, or sought out information because the desire to fix things means she knows how screwed she will be if things move forward. My spouse thought that I would be bending over backwards in a divorce as they made more and were the 'mom'. I like you have some work from home days, made less, but that allowed me the flexibility to be here for the kids practically all the time. Turns out I really did not need an addition…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 02:54 PM
2

Barring any insanity almost all states are 50/50 (183/182 days). Some, like TX start with some weird 60/40 spit, I THINK. but if if it's divorce I just wanna fair one. What I have learned in this process is this: Its not about what is fair or 'right' only what is determined to be legal. And sometimes you'll have to eat crap. Neither of you will get 100% of what you want BUT if you can accept that at the start, things will go better. People drag out costs and time because they are unwilling to 'l…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 02:50 PM
2

You would need to search your states recording laws: 1 party consent -only one person needs to know about the rerecording 2 party consent -both parties needs to know about the rerecording If shes saying divorce shes thinking/considering it. Same thing happened to me - spouse said it once in an argument and it lay dormant for nearly two years and here I am. You cant unrig the bell. You need to go over all the options with an attorney for how this plays out for you and protect yourself and your ki…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 12:33 AM
3

she kept saying you guys want Mommy to leave I'll leave by tomorrow and they all started crying of course. Shes gonna try and play with your emotions or the threat of the kids emotions. DO NOT GIVE IN. REmember this: She knows you better than anyone and where your buttons are, and exactly how to push them. And she WILL push them to get emotional responses from you. YOU MUST remove the emotion. Do not think like a husband. As soon as you're making decisions based on feelings, you're screwed. At l…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 10:08 PM
2

I have two kids, no major assets outside of a home and we both have retirements and Im down nearly 30k because they are making things hard because they make more than I do and do not like THEY must pay CS. Buckle up. Dont drink. Be on your best behavior. Dont leave your house. Separate your income.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 10:05 PM
1

Something my therapist told me:When all one does is give to another selflessly, self advocacy is treated as selfishness by the other party
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/24 10:28 PM
3

But my wife is not ready for it. Bluntly, that is not your problem. Yes, I know I’m a pushover. And take WAY too much responsibility for her emotions and ability to be an adult. But I’m trying to hope I can keep the family together and seriously not want to drive off a bridge. You're thinking with your married brain. Commendable, but not smart. All of your asks will, at most, be entertained just long enough to get the claws back in you. She is a taker. You're a giver. GIVERS NEED TO LEARN THEIR …
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 07:42 PM
3

I find it hard to see the situation clearly. You're thinking with married brain. Husband brain. Going though this process you really will experience a complete re-wire. But its good you KNOW that now. There's no danger of me telling her beforehand, Ok so right there (no offense) is you thinking with Husband brain. "I should tell the wife as this impacts the family!" You say divorce... You cannot un-ring this bell. If you tell her and she thinks her way of life (fiscal, emotional, physical, etc) …
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 07:35 PM
5

but not that bad? After reading your post.... it sounds that bad, imo. Her treatment of you is likely due to her thinking you'll never end it. I say it all the time here: If you're thinking of this, see some attorneys (she does not need to know) so you know how things play out with custody, division of assets, and support. Have the knowledge first. And then keep it to yourself IF you file -any telling her how 'things are going to go' with divorce wont go well for you. 1. she will thinks its bs a…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 06:56 PM
1

She is keeping one foot on base and, I think, in your head you're accepting this zombie marriage as acceptable over the unknown of a divorce. Buddy you're basically already divorced as it is - You're not allowed in your own home while another man is in there. Even if they aren't doing anything (which is doubtful) THAT alone is not acceptable. She is going to keep telling you whatever works to keep things as they are because its not in her best interest (YET!) to change anything. IT IS TIME TO TA…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 03:45 PM
1

Ah, dang. I see in another comment you've got a lawyer, thats very good. Just impress upon them you wont budge on 50/50. And with the CS piece in TX, thats even more important.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 02:06 AM
2

Welcome. Let the lawyers bring them the news of how it goes, anything you say will be deemed BS and if the lawyer repeats it, it will only tick them off more. Best they hear it first and only from their attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 08:21 PM
3

yes, just words. I had that and more told AT me, it never panned out.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 08:19 PM
6

My situation: both of us on Mortgage and deed I asked my attorney if i could change the locks. Was told "yes, but there is nothing preventing her from changing them back" Basically as long as you're both on the home she has rights to enter, barring a court order. Your situation might differ as it was deed only. And you're right about her just copying the kids keys. tell her the locks are the same and try the key again and/or ask what she needs/wants and you'll have it in the garage for her get c…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 06:43 PM
13

First off SHE IS NOT THE ONE GRANTING YOU ANYTHING - its the COURT that makes the call if you cannot agree. And buddy I had the SAME thing told to me (m-f, i get weekends). Secondly, you NEED an attorney. Sorry but with her asking for this, you're going to have to protect yourself, AND the kids, with representation. What did you do to convince you wife that it’s what is best for the kids? NOTHING you say/do is going to suddenly make her say "oh! you're right!" so dont even BOTHER. You're going t…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 03:57 PM
8

I've told my stbx each home is like its own country with its own laws. I'm doing what I do at mine, hers at hers. Early on one of my kids pulled some stuff at moms and during the exchange she asked what I would do for a punishment and I said "nothing, if you want to punish [kid] you can do it when they return in five days. I wouldn't ask you to carry over any parenting choices at your place from mine and wont do anything here for you"
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 03:18 PM
1

Ah, sorry you're dealing with all of that. Camera in a common area. Be on best behavior. Conduct everything in email even with your situation. Many states allow for a revisiting of child support so even if you dont get it at the start, you can file for it again. Just make sure there is no language in the agreement you are signing it away for forever.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 07:12 PM
10

I don't want child support (although she makes 4x me) Many states will not consider you requesting $0. Its a formula and she will be paying. And if you're thinking (or she is saying) you shouldnt get it as the father, GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD. its for the kids so they have an equitable life and both homes you're gonna NEED the money GET AN ATTORNEY (Do consults). LET THEM KNOW ABOUT THE INCOME DISPARITY. SHE MIGHT BE PAYING FOR YOUR LAWYER. You need to do the work NOW or you're setting yourself…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 05:08 PM
10

Just another person adding on to DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. They want you out for a soft divorce: you're gone but they still use your money, time, and labor. All the benefits of marriage without the sacrifices (and joys) of it. If they want it THEY can leave. you need to talk to a lawyer asap and be aware of your options. do not tell them you're doing this be ready to separate your income as soon as one of you files do not drink/use drugs (if you do stop NOW). do. not. leave. your. home.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 08:46 PM
1

mostly drinking too much and in general abusing my health. cutting out drinking will help the latter! Not drinking is one of the best things you can do. Helps your health, wallet, and wont give the ex any ammo.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 09:34 PM
2

and if we sell the house (which we both don’t want to do) then we split that 50/50 as well. OK so my thought is you need to sell the house sooner rather than later because every month you fork over $2200 a month, that's $1100 a month she gets to keep when its sold. Other way to look at it - Shes getting free housing, pay no property taxes, and banking 1k every month. You've got seven more years with your youngest so you'll be eating $92400 here when you sell and will have paid all the taxes on t…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 02:51 PM
3

Our son is 50/50 custody so we would need to figure something out for Xmas so that’s gonna be rough Parent 1: Christmas eve from 10am to Christmas day at 10am Parent 2: Christmas Day at 10am to the 26th at 10am (or though the day if its 'your' day) Following year you flip.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 08:38 PM
1

She is likely to be back in another 8 months. And yes, she is in a country that is set up for reciprocal laws. Assuming you're US citizen. Not saying you'll need this but I know someone in a similar situation (child was older, preteen) with the parent/child overseas visiting family abroad for an extended time and it ended up with the parent saying they were never coming back. https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction/prevention/prevention-tips/how-state-de…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 08:34 PM
1

There is also a chance there was a voluntary reduction in pay for something else, like stocks or other considerations. But a pay stub, at the very least, would show Net and Gross income, withholdings (taxes, retirement, health costs, etc) and what accounts the pay is going into. They cannot just refuse to provide it. If youre getting one that makes no sense or seems redacted you can subpoena it from the employer directly. That has a cost however (but would be worth it to get a full fiscal pictur…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 08:04 PM
2

I didn't think of that That has been so much of my divorce lol. I hope I can save you some time/money/stress. Any other questions, ask away.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 05:58 PM
3

2024 Max 401k cont is $23000 - and max IRA is $7000 so if you're not seeing $2500 that is very likely where it is going. That said - retirement accounts are subject to equalization as well. Note that its not the TOTAL account, just the contributions and growth over the marriage. With her making 3x, and if its been like that over the marriage, odds are there is A LOT more in hers than yours. When it comes to equalization you can not take it and get a consideration somewhere else (i.e. larger pay …
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 05:07 PM
2

You can ask but all of that should come out via discovery. That is the process where both parties lay out all their financials . Mine went back 6mo. Some can go back YEARS if finances were separated. Generally you'll be asked (as will they) for the following: 6mo-1year of all banking records (all accounts) pay stubs investment accounts retirement accounts (401k/IRA/etc) Tax returns Try and Get FULL pay stubs - they show all the accounts the pay is going to, if they are contributing to a 401k, an…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 04:14 PM
1

I told her I wasn’t going to fight her for anything because I wouldn’t want her to struggle This decision is on HER. Dont give it all away to feel good now. FUTURE you is yelling at you right now. I am planning to move with my friend about 22 hours away for a healthy environment and to keep me away from her. She keeps saying I’m a coward and that I’m abandoning my son Listen, no matter WHAT decision you make she wont like it so my advice is try and stay, get 50/50, and power though. It SUCKS rig…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 08:16 PM
6

As others have said, ask your attorney. You'll likely be advised that she has to stay on it until its over. THAT SAID - you can ask her to contribute her part of the premium. "Hey open enrollment is up, and I'm going to need you to cover your part of the cost". Not a threat to drop her or a demand to pay to stay on, you're just asking. Be ready for her to ignore the request.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 08:11 PM
1

My divorce .... I had to pay temp child support and alimony whilst we were divorcing My spouse has managed to dodge that. Meanwhile I'm carrying everyone's insurance, coving all the kids copays, and not being recouped for anything. Its annoying. All they are paying is 1/2 the mortgage and I'm basically giving it BACK to them as I'm trying to buy them out of the home.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 03:36 PM
10

You need to book some consults (many do 30-60min free). Speak to as many as you can, at least three or four, and explain your situation. Sooner the better - with Thanksgiving coming up you need to get on this IMMEDITLY. Like, after you're done reading this start looking. If your spouse is making 4x AND liquidating a asset subject to division, you might be able to convince the court SHE should be paying for your attorney costs. If you've got kids you'll get 50/50. At 4x income SHE is gonna be pay…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 02:53 PM
1

Yes, please consult with another lawyer. One that specializes in family law if able. Someone you can explain what you want them to fight for: 50/50 at a MINIMUM. You'll spend years and thousands more trying to get back to 50/50. You dont even have to tell your other attorney if you move to a new one. The new one should just contact the other office and let them know they are taking over, and to send whatever they have. When it comes to the " I can handle the routine" thing - you need to plan lik…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 02:45 PM
2

Dont move out and sign nothing. What does your lawyer say in all this?
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 01:20 AM
4

You should do consults with as many as you can, I only did three and should have done more. Some questions to ask a lawyer you're looking to hire in no paticular order (question/my answer) How often do your find your cases go to trial? [still have no idea] How heavy is your case load? [so you know if you'll take a back seat] How long do you take to respond to someone via email/phone? [my attorney isn't great about timely replies but i understand they have other clients] When do i need to submit …
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 06:23 PM
2

I can speak to the cost and HOW i cost MYSELF more via two ways Being TOO eager to submit materials (1k) Text/email battles (5k) Number 1: Only submit things when ask and ONLY to your lawyer. I was overly prepared for discovery and submitted all my BS (asking what they would need) and by the time my spouse was served it was all out of date and I had to do it again. THEN it took forever for discovery so I had to submit it all a THIRD time. In the end it was about 1k extra in processing costs beca…
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/24 11:47 PM
8

Also in IL. First offers for settlement are generally BS and they hope you panic and sign. Outside of Child support (which at most can be agreed to be $0 but either party can request it be revisited) everything is open to negotiation. FYI child support in IL is based on Over nights (50/50 is 183/183) income of parent(s) Factors in who carries insurance for kids If you're both employed full time and making a decent buck, its all posturing. You'll both be responsible for your own attorney fees. Do…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 10:20 PM
1

Good call. Please repost. Ive spent two years and a ton of money and if I can i will answer anything you have to ask to save you time/money.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 04:21 PM
1

You gotta file asap. That locks in things fiscally. Half that 200k is yours and YOU ARE GOING TO NEED IT. Plan for FUTURE YOU. Please see my edit about your account/baseball cards. AGAIN: DO NOT THINK LIKE A HUSBAND - THINK WITH YOUR NON-MARRIED BRAIN - Do not let her try and get you emotional/upset - she will want you thinking based on emotion and not logic. Shes gonna say shit to get you freaked out - remember if she is doing this she knows shes screwed. You WILL Survive this - remember that a…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 04:13 PM
1

Others are saying it and Ill add to it: You NEED an attorney. Get some consults. If shes making that level of income SHE might have to pay for YOUR lawyer. At 3x income the reason she wants M-F is because she figured out she would have to pay Child Support. Google your states calculator. It is based on overnights. 50/50 custody is 183/182 days with one parent being named primary. Other things you NEED to consider with her making 3x if you're both contributing to a 401k/IRA/whatever odds are she …
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 04:05 PM
2

I guess I just don’t understand how someone could be so evil. You've got to look at things pragmatically. They are doing what is in their best interest. You're doing the same. As had as it is to remove the emotion of it all and you'll see its just a business dealing. Cold? Yes. But it can be clarifying. Example: When she left, she told everybody within earshot that she would not go for alimony, but of course she threatened it at the temporary hearing. When she left she probably wasn't being advi…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 03:43 PM
1

Sadly its just a matter of sticking it out. GENERALLY if you have kids its advisable to not leave. I can really only speak to that as I do. If not, speak with your lawyer. House options are sell and split the profit someone stays and pays the other person out If you're both on the mortgage and/or deed the court just one give someone the home - both people need to be made whole (via selling or paying/payed out). If you're gonna stay you cna move into another room/area. I would advise putting up i…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 05:13 PM
2

Copy/paste job of mine from other comments I made about communication with kids involved: Still good even w/o kids No more phone calls or in person convos. It can become he said she said and you don't know if you're being recorded (on phone or in person). Email only on large issues and text for kid pickup/drop off and emergency. Other things can be coordinated via email. Think NARROW AND SLOW. One channel and no fast responses. Do what is in your kids best interest, then yours. Do NOT worry abou…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 06:11 PM
1

You're welcome. Understand that any lashing out on her part... you've already started the process. Dont let her bait you into anything. She will start to insult you. Question your manhood. Say things to get a reaction. She knows ALL your buttons and WILL try to push them. Just take a knee and run out the clock. Anything she says you can just reply with "I understand, send me an email". Dont take calls, reply to texts, just say email again and again and wait 24 hours to reply - you'll have cooled…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 02:41 PM
3

After reading your post - buddy you're in a mentally abusive relationship. She is holding you hostage here. Guess what? You dont have to give ANY reason for wanting a divorce. This is coming from someone who was dumped - all I got was "this marriage is over, and we're divorcing" and I never got anything other than that. Two years out, I could give a damn, I just want it OVER. how do I explain to her why I’m filing for divorce if the reasons I have will make it look like it’s her fault? I don’t w…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 05:41 PM
11

I forgot to mention he is 60 years old and she’s 33. It’s disgusting to me. Add me to that list. Gross.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 02:01 AM
1

She wants to live abroad If she says she wants to travel abroad and take your kids, and not you... DO NOT LET HER LEAVE THE US WITH YOUR KIDS. I know someone who spent three years trying to get his kid back out of Europe when the wife dipped out under the pretext of a vacation and once she was over there said she wasnt coming back. He had to get the state department involved.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 07:12 PM
2

I understand. There is court and then there is COURT Court might just be a meeting with attorneys and a judge who gives recommendations COURT is when there is a trail All im saying is as long as you're footing the bill your ex isnt going to do anything that needs to make the divorce happen and the longer you pay for everything the more the court would say "if he's done it this long, he can keep doing it" WHEN it goes to court/is final. At the very least you need to get 50/50 overnigths with your…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 02:10 PM
1

As long as you're paying for everything your ex has no reason to change ANYTHING. You're just atm right now. Tell them you need a good email to tell the utilities because you're going transfer over gas, electric, water, sewer, etc. by a set date.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 07:39 PM
2

Nothing that can get me in trouble though. Here to provide some practical advice - you said TEMP support hearing. Meaning you're not DONE done yet. As much as you might want to put something on there as a joke, please do not. Save it all for the very end when things are filed/completed. ANY sort of "F-U" is never gonna go well and is going to give them a reason to screw you over, somehow.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 07:36 PM
1

I’m concerned she won’t go back to work and just continue to live off of half of what I think I will have to give her plus the child support. If you're 50/50 (which you should get barring any insanity) there is simply no way she can argue being a stay at home parent. Even if she refuses to work its a good bet her income could be imputed. Edit: with a masters shes gonna be expected to work, especially with 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 07:34 PM
1

Ok, good. Hope they keep that agreement!
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 02:47 PM
4

but understand I've been getting text messages like this every damn time I'm over there for a year. Said it in another comment - you need to stop replying. Its her routine: wait for you to show up and then hit you with some BS to make you upset and then she sits back and enjoyes the show. Take the power away - its only there if you reply/acknowledge 1. dont reply 2. wait 24 hours and reply (if necessary) via email. No judge is gonna give you BS for NOT replying to a text about a busted disposal.…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 09:03 PM
3

Well if acquired during the marriage its technically 1/2 yours. Time to get the KBB value. DONT point that out however, not until all the assets come up.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 09:01 PM
5

She knows you better than anyone and what buttons to push, and exactly how to push them. Use this as a learning experience. If you're emotional you're not thinking strait. Its likely what she wants. And I wont judge at all here. I had a text battle on something as well... and it cost me about $5000 once it was all said and done. I should have just said nothing or at least waited until i cooled down. Let go of the stuff. You'll spend more litigating to get it back than what it costs. Leave the co…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 07:47 PM
5

She did pay half the mortgage from a joint account but only for the past year and half. You've comingled funds on the home. She could make an argument to seek 1/2 equity. In another comment you state your retirement is wrapped up in your business. Best case: she asks for nothing. Worst case: she will ask for 1/2 the home and 1/2 business value. You should absolutely speak with a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 03:39 PM
3

Does she have full time employment? Can she get insurance though her employer?
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 03:32 PM
2

Good luck. DONT get baited into a fight or argument on this. Let the lawyers explain things. I cost myself about 5k trying to relay information (anything you say will be deemed BS anyway) so best to keep your mouth shut. This person knows you and ALL your buttons. Again, if they play the "be a man" card, just know you're already half way there because they KNOW they are gonna be held accountable fiscally by the court and are TRYING to get you to mess up and make a rash decision or an emotional o…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 05:58 PM
3

She makes more than me(unofficially because she makes some money in cash) but i dont want her money even though ideally she has to pay child support! You CANNOT think like this. Future you is screaming at you right now - first off the money isnt for YOU, its for your child so there is an equitable home life in both homes and second you're GOING to need the funds - be it for clothing, food, utilities, or recouping the cost of insurance. If she/anyone tries to play the "be a man" bs-card THEY are …
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 05:20 PM
5

according to my wife, for our child’s best interest, it would be best if I moved out. DO NOT MOVE OUT. Its in HER best interest to 1. get you out and 2. have you pay for everything (and i mean everything). Once you move there is no reason to move the process along and every reason to draw things out and syphon cash out of you. She said I would be responsible for property taxes and help with bills. Half the mortgage/prop taxes but thats IT. No utilities (phone, gas, elec, water). Child support is…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 08:31 PM
5

It's her house, You're gonna want to talk to an attorney and find out what, if any, equity you may be entitled to. Respective retirements would also need to be equalized.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 08:28 PM
1

You can always change lawyers. Dont think sunk cost. Hell, you can get a new one and that firm can contact the old one "we're taking over Mr. XXX's case, please send all the materials and the client a final bill"
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 06:22 PM
1

She stonewalls you should file a Motion to Compel. Next step... subpoenas! (I had to go that route for some information).
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 04:40 PM
1

Good on 1 and 2. 3.... SHe's gonna lose HER shit when it comes to financial discovery. Mine went back 6 mo but we were all joint. You could request, say, three years.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 04:14 PM
2

Pretrial is typically JUST the judge and lawyers. Your lawyer works for you so if you can get 50/50 you better be asking for it and END UP with 60/40, otherwise you might find 60/40 turns into 80/20. Pretrial is both attorneys laying out what you don't agree on and the judge makes recommendations - those are the judge saying 'if this goes to a trial, im VERY likely going to rule as I have recommended'. Please go for 50/50 time if you can manage it because it will be a nightmare to get it once th…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 02:44 PM
2

You need an attorney, or at least speak to one. Immediately. They do not need to know. dont move out dont drink separate your income as soon as you file
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 02:38 PM
2

im not an attorney but I think she would get laughed out of court on this IF it were to come to that. If she finds a lawyer they will totally take her money to tell her what she wants to hear, however.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 02:08 AM
1

My spouses hospital system defines ft as 40 hours for their staff, pt is 24-36, half time anything less than 23 but what Im getting at is even if they are ft/ht/whatever they likely were not paying for their coverage and now will have to foot it on their own. I carried my spouse/kids to the tune of 475+/mo and the spouse was paying zero, so anything will be a squeeze for them
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 02:07 AM
3

if OP is carrying the kids, his ex is gonna have to make one hell of a case as to why nearly four years later they need money for health insurance. My guess is they have HAD it post div (as ordered) and now that its ending they realize what it will cost them so they are scrambling
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/24 04:53 PM
6

OH man three and a half years? Get outa here with that lol. Shes gonna get laughed at by a judge if it comes to that. She has had PLENTY of time to get things in order. I would be asking your lawyer to have her pay for your attorney/court costs for this one.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/24 04:14 PM
2

So im married to a MD, we have kids, I can tell you your life will become a scheduling nightmare if you have kids. Not only will everything revolve around their work but you'll also be a solo parent 20-30+hours a week. I think once you file/separate you're going to find your life really wont change all that much. I'm serious. You're already on opposite shifts as it is and not seeing one another as much as a traditional couple. You will also find, even with a divorce, you'll have as much or possi…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/24 03:48 PM
5

Is it signed and filed? Shes' like SOL. iF shes working she can get her own there or though the open market place.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/24 03:38 PM
6

She works overnights 3x12's and sleeps the rest of her existence Nurse? She's over stimulated in a flash constantly. I want kids, These two WILL not mix at all. If you're posting here you already know where this is going. I'll take any advice or encouragement for my battle ahead. Start speaking with some attorneys. NO kids = will go SO much smoother than you could hope for. You've got pets. Make peace with you WILL lose some/all of them. Frankly, you will need LESS responsibly and expense in you…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/24 03:05 PM
3

Had her refinance the house and pay me out. and He took the allowance he had saved from his mother’s and she screamed at him and told him he is not allowed to bring his allowance here or spend it on anything that has to do with me. So its the REFI - So shes likely VERY pissed about this and its carrying over to everything else in her life with money. Odds are she got a higher rate and now every month she makes a payment its probably $xxx+ more than it was and THAT is ticking her off. Him bringin…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 05:09 PM
1

Good for you. Remember, this is just a BUSINESS deal now, nothing more. If they do anything that ticks you off remember that if the situation was flipped you might do the same. Odds are they are being advised to do whatever they are doing. If they try and push your buttons (they know ALL of them) its only to get a reaction and throw you off course. DONT Take the Bait. Only other advice: Move all communication to a single channel (email) and wait at LEAST 24 hours to reply. If they contact you vi…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 03:29 PM
2

I cut it ALL out. Totally. I haven't had anything in 2+ years and honestly might never go back. Get it all out of the house. Dump it or give it away. Do not bring anything back in. Better for your health Keeps a clear head for decision making Saves money Does NOT give the other person ammo to use against you If you think "she would never use that against me" I bet you also thought she would never cheat. Simply put: you CANNOT risk it. I know with your user name its probably a tall ask but NA bee…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 03:18 PM
2

WHEN you file reality is gonna come crashing down on her. She is liable to lash out, try to get you to leave, and convince you she will get full custody. Dont listen to any of that. You'll get 50/50. If you can get her back to work now because she is gonna have to work regardless. You'll very likely be on the hook for child support but it can help with spousal support. DO NOT be like me and wait for months trying to fix things with her accessing your income and draining it all. Move what is advi…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 09:21 PM
1

good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 06:51 PM
5

This is fine with me, and so far she's not asking me to pay anything additional, but our divorce paperwork is using me paying health insurance costs in calculation for support payments. You need to plan that the support order will be amended and her costs will then be factored in (i.e you'll pay more support). You need to find out what HER coverage for them costs and what it covers -you might find it isnt as good (coverage wise) and could cost more. So you could have larger copays, higher premiu…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 04:56 PM
1

Good move. You gotta assume that once there is a whiff of divorce they will get their own lawyer and all the same advice. With your spouse being a SAHM for the marriage any attorney will tell her shes going to get spousal support and child support for the 16 year old. If she does not see this coming, it will be a disruption to her life/life style, you'll be vilified to everyone in your life, and she will want to make you pay for it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 04:13 PM
2

First three months my sleep was a disaster but it did get better. I tired melatonin but had insane dreams. The less you see of the other person, that helps.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 02:16 PM
2

Ah, so prob close. Be ready for her to ALSO get an appraiser (your person will go high, odds are hers will go LOW). If you can both agree on one appraisal you can use that, otherwise you'll prob both get it done and then can take an average. In my situation we both had it appraised and there was a 40k difference. How she gives you the 182k can be done via cash or other considerations (taking on more debt, giving you more of a retirement, giving you assets, etc).
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 02:10 PM
4

But I haven't spoken to an attorney. Get a consult and get a idea of what you'll be expected to outlay in terms of your assets, debts, and spousal support (and for how long).
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 09:30 PM
3

750000-385000= 365000. HALF of that equity is yours. If she wants to keep it she will need to give you $182500 get you off the mortgage HOW she does 2: refinancing (removal and gets a higher rate, can be done in 45 days.) or assumption (removal and keeps rate, can take 9+mo). NONE OF THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM. If she cannot afford to keep it then you sell and split the money. You NEED to be off the mortgage as its on your credit and will make YOU getting a new home harder. This also protects you if s…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 07:13 PM
4

She wants to remain good friends, just not be together. She can't have it both ways.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 08:51 PM
2

I no longer believe in marriage as an institution I still do... IF you're starting a family. If two people are not planning on having/raising kids.... ehhhhhhhhhhh.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 02:37 PM
1

Ive never heard of CS changing over the year (being changed during some months). Maybe they are using a different calculator than the state one (there are special ones out there). I do know Child support is based on overnights in IL. So if you're 50/50 summer (say june through aug - 91 days, so 46/45) and 60/40 school year (sept to may - 272 days, so 163/109)... That's 209/155: 58% custody for primary, 42% custody for other parent ON THE YEAR. Here is the IL Calc: https://cscwebext.hfs.illinois.…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 02:32 PM
1

Very welcome. good luck, man! If you have other questions let me know, i've spent almost 30k at this point to learn all this (and more) so if I can save anyone else I would love to do it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 02:11 PM
1

We were both good on 50/50 at start. MY understanding is barring any insanity (abuse/drug/criminal bs) IL will award 50/50 as a baseline (recent changes to IL law have established a presumption that equal time is in the best interests of kids) and CS is calculated based on overnights. Parties cannot waive it, but can agree to make it $0 and either party can go back and ask for it to be revaluated. Everything else is up for negotiations (equity/debt/retirements/cash/home/etc). It would be a good …
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 06:26 PM
2

We were fortunate that we both took the judges recommendations and did not feel the need to mediate. I told my lawyer before the pretrial I was willing to accept what the judge recommended and KNEW i would not get all I wanted. I think my spouse did the same because there was no "now go mediate". I would hope if you're both ok with the recommendations you can do the same. If you and/or your spouse isn't, the lawyers can 1. say they will fight for what you/they want (and they make more money) or …
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 05:02 PM
3

Also IL. We had one pretrial conf. Best to list out ALL the things you cannot agree on, present them, and listen to the judge recommendations. Don't let the other lawyer/your lawyer say "we will ask about x/y/z later" just get it ALL done in one go if you can. If the push back demand it be addressed. They work for you. My understanding: "Here are my recommendations" = if you come to trial this is what you're gonna to hear from me but it will cost you $10000 to hear it". Accept you're NOT going t…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 04:32 PM
5

I've interviewed 4 attorneys, on the sly, and I think I have one if/when this goes to crap. WHEN. Its gonna be WHEN. Her making 2x she wants to DIY because she knows she's about to take a bath fiscally. you're gonna possibly be due spousal support. DO NOT TURN THIS DOWN IF YOU ARE ELGIBLE. Anyone who would judge you for asking for it is not living your shit show right now. Google your states spousal support calculator to get an estimation. with kids you WILL be on the receiving end of Child Supp…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 02:53 PM
5

IMO things like homeschooling, Working nights and weekends, non-traditional work schedules, and being a SAHP are luxuries of marriage. They really only work if there are both parents there working as a team. You're not a team anymore, outside of both trying to parent on your 50%. If you can get them into a traditional school (public or private if you want to pay). Homeschooling is gonna change the amount of time they have with both of you (heavily on her) and also keeps her out of the workforce.…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 02:37 PM
2

Again, its perception. If you draw a judge that does not believe in Medical Marijuana you're fighting an up hill battle. If you ex/their lawyer think they can exploit it, they 100% will, legal or not.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 02:25 PM
2

We agreed to 50/50 custody, but I don’t know how she could possibly do that with her schedule, and I’m hoping the judge isn’t going to make me go off of her weekly changing schedule as the custody schedule? Its important to note that wild schedules and long shifts are a LUXURY of marriage. If you're divorced they go bye-bye unless that person has someone else to assist or paid care. Her inability to make her 50% work is NOT your problem. I am married to a doctor that works 12s and off shift. THE…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 02:19 PM
5

she cant use that against me Buddy that does NOT matter. Drinking is legal it is all about the perception. "Yes, he has a medical card but he doesnt need it. He only got it to get high all the time. He's always high. I think he might be using other drugs too!" Is any of that true? No. But now you've got to dispel that possibly in court or to CPS.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 02:16 PM
3

No amount of sharing of my concerns seems to work. Save yourself man. Anything I told my spouse about how the process would work was deemed BS and anytime I tried to appeal to her was met with silence or "no thats not how things will happen" Well guess what..... it happened anyway. My wife also seems comfortable living in purgatory considering she has a comfortable lifestyle. So it sounds like neither has filed. Right now you're just having an elaborate argument. Ill say this... once someone fil…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 04:47 PM
2

(I didn’t fight her on this, as my focus was protecting myself financially) You made the correct decision here. It feels mean-spirited. Likely BUT you cannot let her use this to turn your decision making to hell. People do this all the time - they go for something with an mental impact to purposefully get one to become emotional at the expense of rational decision making (so you lose focus and make a mistake). I'm sorry you're going though this.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 04:32 PM
1

Its advice I wish I had at the start and i screwed myself a few times learning it. I did 1 but took too long on number 3 and WAY to long on number 2.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 04:09 PM
1

Possibly. THAT SAID there is something called "right of first refusal" (ROFR) Basically (if) you both agree on a set amount of time a parent is not avaiable the OTHER parent gets first crack at being with the child. Example: Mom wants to take a weekend trip and she would get back late Monday, but Monday is her day, instead of you dropping the kid at child care/with a family member of hers/baby sitter, or someone else picking up, the child stays with you. My agreement takes into account any time …
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 09:01 PM
2

Ive done lots of walking. Big help.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 08:56 PM
5

https://www.militaryonesource.mil/relationships/separation-divorce/ You need to talk to an attorney asap. JAG maybe or a private sector one, and find out how ALL of this plays out Custody, retirement, Assets/debt, impact of moving, insurance, etc. Is she working? Because if not when you file she will ask for support (child and spousal) so i hope so. Once she gets a WHIFF of you knowing, or that you're gonna file, all hell is gonna break loose. With two young kids you'll need to lock down a perma…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 04:26 PM
10

I don't want her to be happy with someone else. I want her to feel this hurt. I want her to feel guilt and remorse. Words that were told me to me at the start: This isnt your fault (the relationship ending), but for the sake of your kids, it IS your responsibility. You cannot think like that (sticking it to her). I was where you were at the start. You want to burn it all down. Make her pay. Run a campaign with all your family and friends about how much she sucks and is a monster and so on. Pleas…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 04:19 PM
1

Child care expenses, at least in my state, can be a factor in the calculation. My tip - when working out the parenting agreement both agree that any child care needed on the parent who is exercising their time is the responsibility of that parent. When calculating CS that part of the calc can then be reported as $0. Basically you want to avoid having 50/50, then that parent sticking them in all day day care/after school care for almost all the time and then increasing CS (or down if paying out) …
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 03:50 PM
1

Maybe it doesn’t work that way, Oh it can. Basically anything outside of a court ordered/calculated payment (like child support) is open to negotiation. You can just give her 16k less on the house if you're keeping it. You WILL have to refi to get her off the mortgage UNLESS you bank allows for an assumption - reach out and ask Basically you prove to the bank you could buy the house now alone and they will let you keep your rate. Note that it can take 6-9months to complete as those departments a…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 08:02 PM
2

Let her believe whatever she wants if it means she flat out signs off on custody. DONT tip your hand. You can do CS later after the fact.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 07:59 PM
1

If you can adjust your swaps to parent whose time STARTS is picking up - this way you dont have to fight them to get them into a car. And, better yet, swap starts AFTER SCHOOL - i.e. mom picks up from school on Friday, you on Monday. Will she miss pickups? Yes. But then you can get them. Does she know CS is based on overnights?
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 07:11 PM
1

Take values of both, debt on both, you get a final amount. Then split that. If your truck is worth 8k (owe $0), her car 35k (owes 10k): $8000+$35000-$10000=$33000 $33000/2=$16500 to you (and you both keep your respective cars.) Another way to illustrate is imagine you both sold BOTH of them today, piled the cash, and then split the cash.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 06:56 PM
2

35k car (hers, mine is paid off) So it might be in her name but $17500 of that debt is on you (if the car was purchased during the marriage). 1/2 the equity in YOUR car is due to her. BEST case a judge wont care and just award you both your respective cars, worst case.... be ready to add more to the pile.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 02:24 PM
1

At the start I was making decisions with this mentality and they 100% took advantage of that fact. I at least knew I wasnt thinking strait so that helped a little.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 02:16 PM
1

after all the time money and Bs ive been though i would like to help anyone i can. There will be days you think its never gonna get better, or get in some dumb text battle with her (seriously move all coms to email and wait 24 hours before you even reply), or focus on some physical THING like a car or furniture, just remember to point the ship back on course and put your kids first. FUTURE you will thank current you for laying the groundwork. PM anytime if you want, or ask anything here. I would…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 04:54 AM
3

You're ex is a liar, when she learns you're not just gonna roll over and do what you're told she's gonna get nasty, it's a tale as old as time. +1 "Lets be amicable" Amicable = do what I want or else
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 04:31 AM
4

You might also be able to make the case for spousal support You cannot think like that (stick it to her). I was where you were at the start. You want to burn it all down. Make her pay. Run a campaign with all your family and friends about how much she sucks and is a monster and so on. people are smart and will figure out who she really is If you spend all your time and mental effort on 'getting back at her', well then you're screwing yourself because that effort is better served working for your…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 04:30 AM
1

Even with her carrying insurance she would be paying (120k vs 50k). Mortgage is not a factor (nor is any other expense other than health care) Your state very likely has a CS calculator online where you can input the things that are needed: incomes, number of kids, insurance (who carrys/amounts) and over nights. Remember that because once she figures it out she will want something like 70%/30% to offset as much CS as she can. 50/50 is 183/182 days. Its important to remember: shes not paying YOU …
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 04:01 AM
5

Glad to impart it. I wont lie, this whole process is gonna suck but you'll make it. If your kids have any sort of intervention or support group at school, try and get them in. Reach out to the teachers/staff and let them know (just the basics, "We're going though a divorce and I want to see if there are any recourses for my children"). Your youngest prob wont notice all that much, it will just be the way things are. It will be harder on your older two, prob hardest on your 9 year old. If you hav…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 03:47 AM
1

BS Domestic charges usually do it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 03:30 AM
16

very similar situation here. VERY similar: medical spouse, kids under 10, etc Right off the bat - three most important bits of advice do not drink/use drugs. You're going to be sober though all of this separate your income do not think with your husband brain. Think for the guy a year from now. KNOW your decision making is gonna be crap and run stuff past a therapist/trusted friends Off the top of my head - things to consider /think about Kids come first in all decisions. You gotta assume she wi…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 03:25 AM
2

I hope OP stays in the home until this is sorted because the day he moves out the wife will absolutely drop anchor on the process: He's out and she gets a 'soft divorce' (he's gone) but still keeps the home, insurance, money, etc. She will want the entire house AND 50%+ of all the other stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 04:14 PM
9

Before I even start: you're still in the shock phase of things. You are thinking with your MARRIED BRAIN making HUSBAND financial decisions. You are at least correct that your emotional state is ABSOLULTY clouding your judgement making. All a mediator wants to do is get you both to agree. They DO NOT have your long term well being in mind, or hers, they just want this DONE. You need to talk with a lawyer - She does not need to know. With over 2.5m in assets this is beyond DIY. Also you're handin…
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 02:34 PM
3

Two years so far (about a year and a half since I filed) and nearly 30k. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 09:25 PM
1

I think people here are over thinking it. Only my mother’s name is on the mortgage and title Obviously talk to an attorney but if you and your wife are just paying rent, all you have is (probably) a hand shake rental agreement. Are you and/or your wife even anywhere in the mortgage? Was your/your wifes credit even used? DO you have a contact with your mom saying you'll take ownership at some point? Basically is there any LEGAL tie to the home? If the house burned to the ground tomorrow who gets …
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 09:16 PM
3

Also IL here. We are trying to work through mediation and make decisions ourselves without lawyers. It’s really hard. I want close to 50/50 parenting time, and she is threatening to take me to court and “any judge would only give me 30% parenting time.” Ill start with you NEED a lawyer. If she is pulling this now you're going to have to defend yourself with representation. You COULD do it solo but attorneys know the ins and outs AND THEY KNOW THE JUDGES. You're going to get 50/50 (183/182) barri…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 01:47 PM
3

You're in absolute damage control/panic mode. This is normal. Just know you're not thinking strait and that is ok. Lean on friends and get a therapist if you can. Things will get better. It will take time but I promise they will.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 08:58 PM
2

Her student loans are on track to be paid through a federal program. Watch out that she tries to include this as a mutual debt. Be ready to point out she could receive this reprieve.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 06:33 PM
4

You're asking a divorce sub reddit and a niche one at that (just the guys) so you're going to be told dont do it, and I would agree. Her asking for that, along with your investments if you make it 10+ years, is already putting an expiration date on your marriage. Maybe worth a post in the relationship subs as well.... but leave the genders out so you'll get an unbiased answer. ALSO ASK YOUR PARENTS AND CLOSE FIRENDS - They will be strait with you if you ask them to be strait with you.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 06:24 PM
2

Well I recently as of last week moved to the city she was in to help with the kids because she had nobody. So I’ve been taking the kids week on week off and we worked this out civilly without the courts. and But she’s making me feel bad and obligated to pay it cause she is saying it’s a roof over their head. All im seeing is YOU have a roof over their head. If SHE cannot afford her place, thats on HER. You cannot let emotion run the show here. And she is trying to tap into that so you do all the…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 06:22 PM
12

MY SPOUSE IS ALSO MD AND PULLED SIMILAR STUFF Shes trying to get you out and will low ball you. With her making 6x what you make shes going to try and rail road you. Dont move out! Assume she might move and leave you dealing with the 6k on your own, so be ready for that - mine moved and was only paying 1/2 the mortgage. Assume she might try and drop you from her insurance YOU NEED AN ATTORNEY ASAP. Interview a few. Seek spousal support - your state has a calculator. It will ask for your respecti…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 07:59 PM
1

Every time she's been miserable i've given in to her desires and now we're in debt. You've given in every time so the goal posts keep getting moved. Thing is once you dont give in she will absolutely flip out because you'll have set a boundary. Is it better to just pull the trigger and separate or try to save the marriage and potentially cost more later? So ill be blunt: the divorce is probably gonna happen. Saying/threating it is something you cannot undo. However you now know this so you can s…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 02:06 PM
1

I should add that I am the breadwinner and pay nearly all the bills. She needs to be working a full time job now so WHEN the supports are calculated you're not paying out the wazoo because shes not working/not full time. Mediation will work as well as long as you both agree on everything. Once either of you are not amiable to something and unwilling to bend, its gonna fall apart. If you're level headed and willing to accept what the calculations say (i.e. spousal support and child support) it ca…
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 07:40 PM
26

I will keep the big house and my son will continue to live with me for now and she will get most of our retirement savings and we will both keep working and living our separate lives. You are making short term/sighted decisions based on emotion and shock. DO NOT DO THIS. I'll be blunt: You need to sell the house, and split the equity (or hand over more to ensure you retain your retirement). You cannot screw over future you so curent you feels good. Your kids are out of the house. You do not need…
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 07:34 PM
2

This right here OP. They need to assume the opposing counsel can and will find all of it. Paying down debt now is the way to go, otherwise you're both burning though joint cash and are splitting ONLY the debt at the end. If you can equalize it all now - pay off cars, credit cards, heloc, etc. If most of it is yours OP, even better. Edit; at most you can start getting cash back when you shop as $20-50 a pop might be under the radar but that would only get you around $2k if you do it over a year.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 07:26 PM
7

Seconding this. OP: File for divorce yourself, asap. I got the SAME THING - "I want you to leave!" meanwhile all my family lives in NY and im in IL. The reason she wants you out is because she does NOT have flexibility due to working in person, and you're MUCH more nimble when it comes to the kids being WFH. They eventually moved out and did nothing for six months and I had to file. File now and file for a custody plan ASAP. Assume she will try and take the kids with but do not allow this. Get 5…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 05:53 PM
5

I just don't understand what the holdup is. Its being dragged out because it is to their benefit to drag it out, simple as that. When I am there, she is texting me to not let the kids do this or that. Block the number when you're there. Hell, tell her as much. She is free to email. You can also ignore, but you need to SLOW The communication. No immediate replies. Wait 24+ hours. She is doing it to get a quick dopamine hit. REmove that. sometimes just find myself asking "What's even the point" of…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 02:03 PM
9

OP your comments arent showing up here yet - your account is so new they might be filtered but I saw them on your profile. The lawyer said wait, and you can as who files isnt that big of a deal, But WAITING isnt the best option here. Filing first draws a fiscal line in the sane and sets you as the petitioner. You drive the process. Assume if you do she will flip out as you have taken the power/control of this situation. You cannot un-ring the bell of saying she wants a divorce. Assume now she is…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 01:47 PM
5

she’s trying to back out of the agreement saying she’d rather refi to buy me out but can’t afford to do it right now due to the current rates and doesn’t know when she’ll be able to refi. Not your issue/problem in any way. And I see everyone is saying force sale, which you can. THAT SAID.... if you wanted to let her go this route you NEED to get something in return. i.e. "Fine, every month I wait for you to refi, you give me another $2000 from the sale proceeds. If you have me wait six months yo…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 07:06 PM
2

I hope things work out for you and your son!
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 09:06 PM
3

I'm an 'old dad' and don't know that I'd want anything like 50/50 custody. I've taken full care of him for a week at a time in the past, and I really enjoy it, but it's a lot. And I'm sure she'd fight it tooth and nail. 50/50 is doable because, yes, when you have your kid you're all in on your kid.... but then you've got the other 50 of doing whatever you want. When I have my kids, its just kids. I save all the house BS for when they are not here. I sleep in on the free weekends. I have down tim…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 02:51 PM
4

So many men on here are much happier after their divorce, I am absolutely devastated. You're not done yet so its not after. My lawyer says that leaving will not help my custody case, but I don't think there's a choice. You're paying this person, listen to them. You are making a decision for you right now (and I get it) but you need to make these decisions for future you and your kids. That guy is SCREAMING at you back in time BEGGING you to stick it out. Its not fair, its BS, its not your fault,…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 07:37 PM
3

You can, if you both agree, to any time frame. I found 8 hours fair. Some people are nuts and do less than four and that just creates issues. I'm a BIG fan of swap at school, outside of breaks for the kids and holidays it cuts down on seeing the other parent a ton.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 02:41 PM
4

Open a new account. All your pay goes into that. Take out 1/2 of any other accounts and transfer it all to the new account (so she retains half of the original accounts). Only pay towards shared costs (i.e. mortgage if you've got one, car payments on jointly owned cars, etc) and nothing more. Your mortgage is $2000? Make a payment of $1000 direct to the bank or pop $1000 in the joint account where the mortgage is paid out of. DO NOT let things go into arrears/foreclosure. It might feel good to l…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 01:00 AM
3

Ask yourself this: Do I want my ex wife involved in my life anymore than ABSOLUTLY NESSESSARY? I already know the answer is no. My ex messaged me a shitty message. Calling me names. And telling me to man up and be a dad. Since you got her a car you pay the insurance. She said some other crappy stuff. And I responded only to the kid stuff. And she’s refusing to respond. I told her our daughter can’t have MY car at your house if you won’t even help. It’s not fair I do everything for her. While you…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 12:51 AM
2

You would need to run it past a lawyer but my understanding is its not about who is on the deed/mortgage but who is paying it. Maybe you make the case you get a little MORE of a pension so you dont go after the home equity. All that siad I woudlnt leave. You being there is a card to play. But make sure you're on angelic behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 12:37 AM
1

Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 12:35 AM
4

COPY PAST JOB FROM OTHER COMMENTS OF MINE ON CUSTODY AGREEMENT BS: Ill say this for custody stuff: you can never be overly specific on things. Much of the anger in the process was learning that their idea of a divorce wasn't reasonable or even doable. Save yourself from trying to explain/tell them anything - everything I told my spouse (almost all of it was legit) was deemed BS and anything I asked for was taken as an affront to them, personally. Much if the expense I've had in the divorce was t…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 12:35 AM
5

Luckily the kids are in their teens now I mean if the kids have their own ways to communicate (phones hopefully) you can just coordinate exchanges with them WHILE ALSO doing it in the app she wont use (you don't want her saying you went though the kids - you can point to the app and say "it was always in there, you never looked, not my issue") Seems like she WANTS things to be difficult.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 07:46 PM
7

Thankfully, the house is in her name and she's going to be the one to have to take on the almost $2,000 in bills that I paid a month and all of the yard work and household chores that I happily did. You need to seek your part of the equity in the home from the duration of your marriage, even if you were not on the mortgage or deed. She does not get to wring money out of you for years, for her benefit. Money you've both put towards the home, you're due half the equity increase in the home from th…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 07:41 PM
1

While it mostly covers death, I found Anderson Coopers podcast on grief very helpful: https://www.cnn.com/audio/podcasts/all-there-is-with-anderson-cooper Edit: FYI some episodes are rough to listen to.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 07:35 PM
8

Parenting app didn’t work. She refuses to use it. Dont suppose use of it was in the parenting agreement? Then you could just tell her "per the agreement i'm using the app, if you dont use it thats on you, I will no longer be communicating via phone/email."
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 07:31 PM
2

You might be in a good place then sorta already separated.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 07:28 PM
3

Is it a normal thing to happen, or is it viewed as being nasty. normal please understand she will likely vilify you no matter what (going for it or not)
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:17 PM
2

If you're on the account I don't see that happening. If you're BOTH on it, you would want to look at your local regulations on if someone can be removed. I'm in the US - if two people are on there no one can be removed, however EITHER can close an account (i.e someone can pull all the money out and close it out). I'm not saying hide all your money however having at least 1500-2000 in cash isnt a bad idea. And if you're both using one account (that shows all purchase history) paying for something…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:16 PM
5

Yes, do things for YOU. Give to yourself. Odds are giving her what she wanted, it wouldnt have been enough. Goal posts would be moved. Givers need to learn limits because takers have none.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:13 PM
7

Should I also go for half of my STBX's pension?. She has worked so hard and I feel bad if I do. I can speak to this being married to someone in the medical field. Her working hard for it is irrelevant. The ABILITY for her to work/earn it was likely partially due to your support and understanding. Medical folks work weird hours and days. I'm SURE there was A LOT you gave up/missed out on and other slack you had to pick up with your child to make her work schedule possible. If she balks at it you'…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:10 PM
8

All I can think about is how excited she would have been if I had gotten here and told her I was doing it so we could move to her hometown. This could have allowed me to move us by her parents. And allowed her to stop working and start a family. Never thought I’d get a once in a lifetime job offer and want to die as my immediate reaction. You both made the decisions you did at the time with the information you had when you made them. Could have's are really never-could, it just wasnt in the card…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:03 PM
2

For everyone saying buy physical things: Anything obtained during the marriage with marital money is considered a marital asset. Gold, coins, crypto, a Car, a collection of any kind - it will be valued and then someone will have to make the other person whole via another asset/debt. That said, cash back from any store trip will allow you to retain physical cash. OP you've stated you're not interested in hiding money but you NEED an emergency fund you can use if worse comes to worse.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:54 PM
3

she wants to be a stay at home mom. She also listed several demands, including that I agree to buy her the bigger house she wants. If you had allowed her to be a SAHM and bought a bigger home, you would still be getting divorced a year or two later. I'm not saying that was her goal but you would have put yourself in a terrible position, spousal/child support and losing the house to her.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 03:31 PM
3

one on the way (she is 8.5 months pregnant). We don’t live together and haven’t since July of 2022. unless Im SUPER bad at math, OP is this kid yours? You need to determine paternity ASAP because if you're on the birth cert, and not the kids dad, you'll still be on the hook for this child.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 10:58 PM
8

My teens want nothing to do with her and are happy living with me. Thats all you could hope for, everything else (money/house/etc) is all gravy. Get it split up and done and dont get dragged into haggling over petty dumb BS like furniture or a car or whatever. Once you're officially done and the kids cease contact, only then will she realize how bad she screwed up, and may want to take it out on you WHEN she comes to you looking for forgiveness and you tell her no, and to have a nice day.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 08:09 PM
2

Yeah it’s time to put some real distance between us and no more reactions or asking her questions other than absolute essential things about the children. Less communication the better. Not giving the other person a chance to tell you no, or make a comment/remark is the best way (imo) when it comes to deal with the other person. Copy/paste job of mine from other commenst I made about communication with kids involved: Its directed at people just starting out (ie. things w/lawyer) but maybe some o…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 06:31 PM
3

Hey just to add on here (mostly so you see it thus me replying here) you need to remember this person probably knows you better than anyone in your life so she 100% knows ALL your buttons and exactly how to push them for maximum impact. I'm not saying it was done purposely to make you feel as bad as possible but please dont take things she said personally. AND even if parts are legit shes telling you NOW, not when it could have mattered. Guys I just feel like I had it and threw it away. You did …
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 05:48 PM
1

i've got little kids so I feel like I wont give good advice however /r/parenting and/or /r/daddit might be a good place to post Both subs are broader audiences (7m and 1.4m respectably) so you may have to tone down/genericize them to get a well thought reply (not saying your post isnt composed well, just that its pretty in-depth so it might be lost in those subs)
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 05:30 PM
3

Get 50/50. Hell, get MORE if you can. You'll NEVER get the time back. Years from now you will NOT give a damn about the work, social events, things you bought, money you made, all you'll think about is the time you had with your kids. Time is the one thing you cannot make more of, and once it is gone, it is gone forever. You're at the start and making a LONG term decision off short term considerations (this is understandable as you cannot predict the future). Worst case you do 50/50 and adjust i…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 05:25 PM
13

how do i explain to her why i should get more than half of the house value? If you have a lawyer have them do it. Anything you say will be deemed BS and anything you ask for, personally, will be treated as an affront to her. You're going to need the totals of Home equity - 1/2 is yours 401k equity (amount gained over marriage) - 1/2 is yours amount of any other investments - 1/2 is yours amount of any other DEBTS - 1/2 is yours Estimated spousal support - amount is yours Run the numbers - if the…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 05:38 PM
3

Sorry youre dealing with this. It WILL get better... once you're not seeing this person all the time it gets much easier. If you stay or move close and do 50/50 I recommend child exchange days are done on school days - one parent drops, the other picks up. Outside of holidays you might only 'see' the other person maybe 30-40 times in a year, less if they just open the door and your kid comes out.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 02:46 PM
8

You need a custody order ASAP - Moving is NOT up to her. If you're getting 50/50 it locks in how far parent(s) can move. My state is 25+ miles or less otherwise the other parent has to sign off on it. if she moves with your son you're going to see him two weekends a month and two weeks in the summer MAYBE. She will have 90% custody. Child support to match (it is based on overnights). I will be an easy plane ride away and hope to visit often, and fly my son down as well. That will get old fast, b…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 02:07 PM
7

I am concerned about the broader impact this may have on me and my children (2 kids below the age of 6) and on future potential partners in how I am perceived. This is going to suck to hear but you cannot put this out for everyone to see because the fall out will last for YEARS and you've got kids with this person. Are they shitty for cheating? YES. Will they make things hell for you because you've pointed it out? ALSO YES. Any small consideration they would make, when it comes to your kids, the…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 02:49 PM
4

for full transparency and reference, my savings is about $30k and my retirement is about $100k. Her savings is $0 because she's a couple thousand in credit card debt and her retirement is maybe $10k. I dont see anyone else saying it, but both your retirements and all the debt, even if in her name, if any of it was amassed during the marriage (retirement amounts AND the CC debt) its BOTH of yours - it would be split, so keep that in mind. She would be due an equalization of 1/2 the gains in your …
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 03:16 PM
3

Get a new email and use that email for all legal stuff and move all your bills/banking/log ins to THAT email. Change ALL your passwords. EVERYTHING. Anything that can be logged into is a window into your life, intentions, location, etc. Open a new bank account and move your pay there, outside of anything that is considered a shared expense. Cancel all non-essential things (prime/netflix/Credit cards/subscriptions). Be ready to sell the new car if you/her cannot afford it. Its a anchor and you're…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 06:42 PM
6

Above board: Dont reply/engage and if there is logistical stuff in the email about your kids start a new email to continue the convo Below board: reply with the kids stuff and CC whomever else needs to be in the loop - i.e. email is about a kids field trip and then two pg's about her sex life? CC the teacher asking when the bus will drop off and then her words are now out in the wind. She says anything you can tell her "i stopped reading after the field trip info and if you're adding all that, t…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 06:32 PM
4

She also want to be able to get percentage of the growth from my investment that I am bringing to the marriage. To me this is someone already doing the mental math on WHEN things tank. Ugg. Like, would this agreement work the other way? Tell her you'll expect alimony from her and her investments.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 02:36 PM
2

I’m so sorry and can relate. I worked long hours in my profession and wanted a satisfying career. But she complained and I took a step back, asked for reduced hours, even though it hurt my career chances, because I wanted to prioritize her and the family. My spouse wanted me to advance in my career and make more money but refused to support me going to graduate school to get the MBA i need to move up because "you'll be gone two nights a week, leaving me alone with the kids".
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 02:08 PM
2

Out of sight, out of mind. The less I saw my spouse and less I communicated (in near real time) the better I felt. Now when I have to see them, at a school thing for example, it wont ruin my whole day.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 02:36 PM
13

Copy/paste job of mine from another comments I made about communication with kids involved: No more phone calls or in person convos. It can become he said she said and you dont know if you're being recorded (on phone or in person). Email only on large issues and text for kid pickup/drop off and emergency. Other things can be coordinated via email. Think NARROW AND SLOW. One channel and no fast responses. Do what is in your kids best interest, then yours. Do NOT worry about them. Dont do them any…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 10:46 PM
1

My concern is whether my ex could try to get more child support because of the income generated from my new wife's assets, which would technically be our money if we pursue these ventures while married. My state has CS based on the biological parents income ONLY. My kids mom could marry a millionaire but it would only be calculated off her income. Odds are your state might be similar. Worth a consult with a lawyer if you dont already have one and/or a fiscal planner to see about keeping things i…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 04:39 PM
1

If you end up doing a ton of these 24hr+ days you might find yourself back in court with her showing an extra 10-20+days a year, and suddenly shes asking for a modification.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 04:24 PM
3

but I'm unsure if it's worth the hassle, legal fees, and stress. An appraisal can be done by someone you hire now and costs all of 400-500$. Your ex can get their own as well (your guy will go high, hers low) and then meet in the middle. The stress? "Hey my lawyer advised me we have the home appraised so im hiring someone. We can use them or you can get your own. This is just to make sure things are correct, im sure you understand" and thats all that need be said. that's what my lawyer says, and…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 08:28 PM
1

So my thoughts on your thoughts if you peruse divorce, and possible implications We have three children, 8, 6, 3. Two here. Things will be a pain schedule/work wise until your youngest is in all day kindergarden Her family is heavily involved in our lives – and generally it isn’t annoying except for the fact that we bankroll every activity and the family property (probably 15-20K/year) -this annoys me slightly. One you're separated they will all ghost you. Any reliance you have on them is gone. …
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 08:02 PM
1

OOf. That will NOT work out well. Kids will resent him at worst and the ex WILL get the extra time/CS money.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 07:31 PM
3

You're not a bad dad, you're just burned out. I will say that time is the one thing we can never make more of. You'll NEVER get the time back you give up and kids WILL remember what parent 'left'. It sucks now however your kids are in very formative years and its important to be there as much as you can. Even on days I dont have my kids, if there is an event, school thing, dr appt, I am THERE. Your ex signing the kids up for events on your time needs to stop, especially if you're not even paying…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 01:02 AM
4

Living proof right here. After the second I could have dropped dead for all they would have cared.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 02:56 AM
1

Kids remember the parent who left. Even if your wife wants the divorce the kids see you moved out. And as others have said, Child Support is based on over nights. Get a custody order ASAP. Once you do expect your spouse to flip out.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 02:44 AM
2

We had an informal agreement before the parenting plan was filed. We switched it up and then filed the agreement. If you've already got one you would probably have to go back to get it on record with the courts (i would reccomend this as then its all legit). If you think you'll get push back you can sell it as a positive "hey WE wont have to get the kid(s) up anymore and it will make it easer for them, and we wont have to see one another" Mind you the only issue ive run into is there were a few …
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 07:07 PM
5

I moved mine to swap during school days. You're never going to have to wait because its just the natural part of the day when they are going to/coming from school. Days my time start, they are dropped at school after the overnight with her, and I pick up after. Days their time starts I drop at school after overnight with me and they pick up. Im on a 2-2-5-5 schedule. We have, roughly 100 swaps during the year. This will cut down about EIGHTY exchanges (40 each) during the school year. You'll sti…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 04:57 PM
2

But the bad is crippling and devastating and largely inevitable. I used to think I was going to be destitute however its not bad. I got cheap and a lot of the needless bs is gone. Also some of the stories you read here.... yikes.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 07:59 PM
1

Marriage isn’t a 50/50. It’s a 200/200 at all times. Absolutely understand this.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 04:30 PM
8

We got two children out of it and it WAS an amazing experience when it was working. I love being married. It IS worth it if it works. That said, anything where one person can decide to end it all on a whim AND finically cripple one or both, is a risk. If you are starting a family, it is worthwhile. If you are going to be child free.... why get legally entangled?
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 04:10 PM
5

my kids as well as they follow behind mom Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they might be doing it because they worry about her retribution. Maybe they want to contact you but are afraid to ask. If this were me, I would call/contact my kids. Give them a chance, even if its YOU reaching out.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 09:10 PM
–

Documentation of any kind. Bank statements, invoices, bills of sale, contracts, etc. Anything that she would refuse to give you once things get heated. You need to do a financial deep dive now so you dont have to pay to have it done later, with her moving/liquidating things. Other things to get: Copies of all your filed taxes (yours and hers as well, for the businesses) Balances on credit cards, even if not in your name (you could be on the hook for half) Info on any loans you OR her have (you c…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 05:21 PM
5

the one thing she is sure of, we wait until next spring at the end of the school year to separate. This should tell you what you need to know - she's done BUT only wants to operate on a timetable that suits HER. She's basically keeping you around for money, benefits, child coverage, and housing. She wants a roommate who will pay the bills, giving her time to plan and prepare. I basically fell for this for six months. I want to either commit to counseling and start working out these issues now, o…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 04:26 PM
3

do not respond to her less than 24 hours after email was sent. This is the big one - compose but do not send. Revisit later. Edit. After waiting 24+ hours you can take the emotion out. All business and as little info as possible. To add: OP - if she texts, just reply with "that sounds important, please send an email". If she keepts texting, reply WITH an email - Re: Your text today about [topic here] and quote the text in the email
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 04:21 PM
1

the bulk of all our money is in an investment account she runs. You absolutly will need a lawyer - becuase of this and the fact you have a business. If there is ANY WAY you can get access to the accounts, statements, anything, you need to try and get it. Once you announce divorce assume any and all access will be revoked - all passwords changed, and money possibly moved/liquidated. During discovery both of you will have to provide documentation of assets. You can request it go back as far as you…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 04:18 PM
7

hen I find out she got the house reevaluated as a three bedroom and now wants 20,000 Get your own appraiser who works for YOU. During the walk though point out EVERYTHING that is an issue/needs repair. This just proves to me that she doesn't give a fuck about anyone but herself. If you're divorcing you shouldnt give a F about anyone other than YOURSELF. Its just business now.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 04:09 PM
3

"I'm so sorry.." and I reply, "thanks but I'm in a better place now. Don't be sorry. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9x9v3awkuG0&t=16s
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 02:03 PM
1

OP needs to have their lawyer file a motion to compel.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 07:15 PM
1

In about 5-6 years he's going to want to spend WAY more time with his friends so there is a window there when he's older. The time you put in now with pay off later when he's an adult and has a great relationship with you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 02:53 PM
10

You need to think of your son first here and what's is best for him. Part of being a dad is putting your kids first over your wants. At ten years old he likely looks to you as someone who can do no wrong and if you dip out he will end up resenting it. The time you lose, you'll NEVER get back. We can make more money, have social nights out, work, date, etc but we will not get back the lost time with our kids during their childhood. Don't just stay for him. Stay for the person he will become a dec…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 02:40 PM
2

Seconding on this. Only pay what is ordered and separate your funds now. I didn't do either and am out 20k+ and will not recoup the joint savings they used. OP: if your spouse no longer wants to me married, they have that choice. BUT they cant also keep one foot on base and reap the benefits of your income, child coverage, insurance, etc. Push to complete this process as soon as you can. The longer she goes without your income the sooner she will see the impact it is going to have on her life an…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 03:40 PM
3

Same here. I'm out a ton however I look at it like this: without them here im free to spend and SAVE as much as I can now so ill be doubling down on retirement contributions and no more need less vacations and amazon purchases.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 03:34 PM
1

Really hope it helps someone save some money.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 01:55 PM
1

In this hypothetical I would guess you would have her go back to work, if you're paying for a nanny. I understand what you're saying and its BS that someone can cut bait and cash out, the courts dont care. Even with your support she will not have the same quality of life so watch out she doesnt come back for even more money or increased custody to wring more CS out of you. The longer you're married the more spousal support you could be on the hook for.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 01:49 PM
2

But no one has the right to stay with their partner for years knowing they'll divorce them the entire time, just because it's convenient (or to protect assets). Fuck that. I completely agree. Just divorce and be done.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 01:46 PM
1

Hope this helps. IF you can get them to agree to this stuff DONT nit pick/invoke any of this UNTILL its signed otherwise they might say no to things. I had some stuff I LOST because i made a big deal about it at the time when we didnt have a signed agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 09:08 PM
3

Things to consider about custody (via copy past job from another comment ive made) as you need to get specific. Keeping things informal or 'general' can blow up later on. DONT be afraid to get as nit-picky as you want. It protects both of you. Its VERY GOOD to get a temp custody order now, even while waiting on separation - the status quo right now will set up the schedule later. 50/50 NO MATTER WHAT. TIME is the ultimate commodity now. You can always make more money, social events, ect but you …
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 08:57 PM
1

I would guess she has not thought very far ahead. Weird schedules and long weeks away are a luxury that dont survive things like this. If you're both agreeable swapping can work but if either of you go firm on a custody agreement you'll be working to arrrange coverage on your own. If you think she might do that you can try and add in Right of First refusal - i.e. if a parent is gone X hours you can request YOU get the chance at time vs another member of thier family or baby sitter. So if there i…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 08:51 PM
2

Right now I am 21 miles from the home. 40min+ round trips for school. Get on goolge maps and set arrive/depart times and see what you're looking at. Can you explain the 2-2-5-5? There are day options - 2-2-5-5, 3-3-2, 7-7, ect You'll need to figure out what is best for him (and then to a lesser extent you and your spouse) 2-2-5-5: Parent 1 has them every M/T, parent 2 every W/Th, parents the alternate F-Sa-Su. So you monday-tuesday, mom wed-thur, you fri-sat-sun-mon-tue, then mom Wed-thur-fri-sa…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 08:27 PM
5

You need overnights. Child support is based on them and him being at the house all the time, right now mom is getting almost all of it. You're establishing the status quo. If you both wait to file, say this goes on for a year, suddenly mom gets to make the case "Dad lives 30miles away and our son is with me 340 nights a year, I should get full custody and decision making" I want to revise the schedule to week on week off as I believe it’s better for the child and creates less “who is picking me …
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 08:22 PM
5

shouldn't get a windfall Big lesson I've had to come to learn in my divorce: Its not about what is fair or right, but what is legal/what the court decides. I'm being bent over to the tune of 20k on stuff AND will probably hand another 100k+ over to my spouse to save the house so my children dont have to move. Fair? God no. Legal? Yes.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 07:06 PM
1

OP is in Texas. No alimony/spousal support. That said they should just divorce now and get it over with. People here love to harp on women who stay in a relationship to secure a pay out, this is that but reversed. OP you need to start your new life now, it's only money. If you've managed 1m you've got the tools to make even more.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 04:49 PM
2

she has just been a stay at home mom and hasn't had a serious job ( she works very part time) in 15 years. My job is very stressful and I work hard for my pay check and to have her just get half of it because she wants to divorce seems very unfair. Courts interpretation: Would you have been able to work the hours you worked, and saved on child care, and advanced in your career if you were also a part time care giver for your children while your wife also worked? If they reenter the workforce the…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 04:46 PM
2

Too many times do I see men play themselves by not taking what is due them in a divorce I say "you cannot screw over FUTURE you because CURRENT you (who is NOT thinking strait) is making a decision to be nice". Dont do it for yourself, do it for the guy 3-5 years from now who is screaming back in time telling you to get what you are supposed to get.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 06:41 PM
2

Another thing: your account is five years old with lots of activity. If you even THINK there is a chance in hell her or someone you know knows this account, delete this post and get a burner. If they even get a sniff of what you're doing/thinking they can (and WILL) use that against you.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 03:16 PM
4

For starters - if she is of the mindset she will not/should not have to pay out for the home, support, assets, etc because she made more you're absolutely going to need a lawyer. My spouse is a MD and makes about 40% more than I do and MUCH of the cost of my divorce is them having to be educated on this process. Its also the expense of them fighting on everything, yet it always ends up back at the start 50/50. They assumed because they made more and were a woman I would be paying them support, o…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 03:07 PM
5

I wonder if OP should contact the office/company this person works out of and tells someone higher up about the situation and possible conflict or would that even matter? But yeah, OP you need to push for an independent 3rd party. This person will not have mutual best insterests in place.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 02:19 PM
3

Echoing what others are saying, you should seek spousal support and child support. I would hold off on a second job until AFTER these are calculated and finalized. You gettting a boost in your income now could be factored in and if you find a second job is killing you you might not be able to get that extra income factored out. If you want/need a second job do it later. Supports can always be recalculated again.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 02:14 PM
1

cut out all alcohol and soda.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 02:11 PM
5

also dropped 30lb just from stress. 10 back on. I also attribute the loss to stopping drinking edit: i consider the loss a silver lining!
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 02:04 PM
2

Only others to add: do not drink be ready to separate your income as soon as someone files turn whatever you can into cash now
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 09:48 PM
3

You cheating to start is a bad look and she could be doing it to get back at you or mess with your head. Don't accuse anything until you've done a deeper dive (and also be ready for her to flip out once accused and demand a divorce - my spouse did once confronted) Pull your phone records and see if there is a number she is texting/calling a bunch you don't recognize If you've got google account access hit map data and location history http://maps.google.com/maps/timeline Check any credit cards/b…
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 07:03 AM
2

Good luck! any other questions ask away.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 01:47 AM
1

Very welcome. Assume she is getting the same advice and is weeks ahead!
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 01:45 AM
6

Based off things I wish I had done: Separate your income out asap - get a new account where you income goes. If youre splitting bills use an old account and put it in there or just write two checks/make two payments on it, each 50%. Turn whatever you can into cash (investments, accounts). Until either of you file this is just a fight. If you're about to file/she files, just empty out half (or all if you think it will get bad) checking/savings. Better to say "here is the 1/2 of the 20k from savin…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 10:05 PM
1

Great idea!
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 08:40 PM
10

I can really say she isn’t my person anymore, but I have no idea how to move on from that. Any advice? Limit your communication with this person to the absolute bare minimum. Simple as that. Copy/paste job from another comment I made about communication if you want a broader answer: No more phone calls or in person convos. It can become he said she said and you dont know if you're being recorded (on phone or in person). Email only on large issues and text for kid pickup/drop off and emergency. O…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 07:00 PM
2

Before addressing the other stuff - Separate your income immediately. Turn ANYTHING you can into cash now and secure those funds. Better to ask for forgiveness to the courts than permission. If you can set 50k aside you can just hand her 25k as opposed to waiting on this and you're splitting 10k because she spent it all and you have a judge who wont care to do the math. I would attempt to pay off and remain in our current home. I believe I would be able to obtain the funds from family. I don't t…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 06:42 PM
3

Let your family/friends know you're looking to get out of the house Take them up on any an all offers to go do... whatever Don't drink.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 06:33 PM
1

you can also assume the loan to keep your rate. Right here OP. Call the bank and see if it assumable. And staying provides the stability so the kids are being moved twice. EDIT: GET AN APPRASAIAL via an appraiser YOU hire
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 06:30 PM
2

I bet he's hearing 'amicable'. That generally means (from either gender) "i want it my way and if you disagree on anything you're being difficult"
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 08:49 PM
2

Reads like OP is carrying insurance as well. That alone would require his ex to cover a part of the kids premium.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 08:36 PM
3

Contact your lawyer and tell them to go ahead and force a court date. Yeah OP just move it along. She isnt doing anything because it's not in her best interest to do so. She gets something out of dragging this out and you deserve to be done with this.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 02:21 PM
8

Oh yes, drugs as well. Sober is what I should have said. Just be sober. Clear head and body.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 04:46 PM
22

I would add one thing: 5 - Dont drink
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 04:02 PM
1

You should do consults with as many as you can, I only did three and should have done more. Some questions to ask a lawyer you're looking to hire in no paticular order (question/my answer) How often do your find your cases go to trial? [still have no idea] How heavy is your case load? [so you know if you'll take a back seat] How long do you take to respond to someone via email/phone? [my attorney isnt great about timely replies but i understand they have other clients] When do i need to submit t…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 07:22 PM
1

Hope it went well. I also hope you raise hell with your attorney. Ask for some money back or you'll go to your states bar association and file a complaint they didnt do what you asked.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 04:17 PM
1

Facebook market place, craigslist, etc and yes even ebay If you've got a ring appraised at 5k and a jewler says $800 (and they would then sell for $4500) a FB sale for 2500 is a good deal.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 03:07 PM
1

Trying to be a stand up guy will only hurt you, she’s not your wife she is a legal adversary I say it a lot - dont think with married brain.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 03:06 PM
1

fair point
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 04:59 PM
1

FYI rings are considered a marital gift so she does not have to return it to you if she decides not to do so. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 04:26 PM
4

I plan on having a sit down with her to actually put divorce on the table If you're like me (they moved out 6m+) me filing made them flip out. Even at two years you need to be ready with EVERYTHING when you tell her you're going to divorce. If she hasnt made a move in two years that should tell you shes ok with the current set up - married for taxes/benefits, you not around. Have a custody plan, child support, and decree ready if you can. BEST case she signs and you're done. Worst case she goes …
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 04:22 PM
3

You need to get it appraised yourself and then list it privately if you want to see any real return. Pawn will screw you and jewelers are probably only going to give you melt value on the metal and a percentage on any stones. Best case you get it appraised for 3k and sell it yourself for 75-80% but the odds of getting all 3k back are very slim. r jewelers, r jewlery and even r EngagementRings (253000 members wow) might also be a good place to ask
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 03:50 PM
20

If you dont have kids move the process along as fast as possible to get them out of your life. No drinking Know you're going to lose some battles and have to eat shit a few times. No one wins here its all about damage mitigation. You're gonna have to let some small BS issues go. Separate your financial lives asap. Better to ask forgiveness than permission (from your ex or the courts). You will lose friends (mutual and even some 'close' ones) but gain others. I wont lie, this sucks just about as …
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 03:46 PM
3

No Mil but have friends that are in and went though div MIL resources for div: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/financial-legal/legal/managing-the-divorce-process/ Advice from friend: Talk to your CO and let them know you're dealing with this so you dont get chewed out when something gets screwed up. Seek out other, probably older, people you serve with who have gone though divorce. They WILL want to talk to you and give you guidance (and prob a ton of bitching) from what they dealt with.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 03:36 PM
2

You need to move whatever money is left into a totally new account AND divert any new income you have there as well. Dont do what I did and kept pouring it into the joint account (my spouse moved thier funds and kept using mine). MY attorney assured me it would all balance out in the end. Two years later is has NOT and im eating close to 20k+ in unrecoverable income and expenses that I had to take on. DO not leave your home. Dont let her scare you into not getting 50/50 custody If she makes more…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 03:32 PM
1

I don't expect to see or talk to my children after that. It sucks. If they are old enough, and if you can afford it, time to get your kids a cheap phone/smart watch with call ability, that you pay for. Granted mom could take them away/destroy them but then she will have to deal with the fall out of her taking the kids device you provided.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 03:20 PM
1

Almost same here - I did feel bad for a time but realize this was a decision they made and I wont spend mental energy dwelling on it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 03:03 PM
3

If you've figured this out, assume she will eventually as well. Getting her to agree to solid 50/50 (no going back for more custody) and no spousal support is key. Once she realizes she is going to totally lose her life style and extra money she will try and wring more out of you.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 03:41 PM
1

How do I go from providing for, buying a house, her car, adopting our daughter, having a child of our own to.... A monster? Wtf Well, From your post: not something I want but I eventually filed in May. YOU filed. Thats how. She wanted what I call a 'soft' divorce. Probably you out of the house and her life but still being married for your money, insurance, tax purposes. You filing screwed that up and now shes being met with having to make it on her own. She wanted the married life style WITHOUT …
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 03:36 PM
1

You can consider a pre-pay out for spousal support, like a lump sum up front and then no reoccurring payments but she would need to agree to it. (google your states support calc and try and do the math - some states say 1 year of support for every 3 married, CA is life time if over 10 years, etc, it can vary.) You would pay taxes on the spousal support income, she would not. And as of 2018 you cannot write off what you're paying. In another comment you said kids want to go with her - THATS FINE,…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 03:14 PM
1

But it seems like every time I do something with my kids that the stbxw immediately desperately tries to one up that thing. and My mother told me I just need to get a sense of humor about it. Your mom is right. Honestly, embrace it. Enjoy the experiences you have and then make a mental bet with yourself to see how they try and out do you. Tell your kids you'll take them to an amusement park and then sit back as your ex pays for a Disney vacation and you can think to yourself "I send my kids to D…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 02:40 PM
1

She is getting custody and I am not fighting her. You need to talk to an attorney and revisit this line of thinking. You rolling over on this, coupled with spousal support, you're going to be taken to the cleaners. Who is keeping the home? If you move out she would need to pay you out the equity. If she cant afford it you would have to sell (unless you want the house)
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 02:33 PM
1

That could be at the discretion of the court. With her being a SAHM with no income, you might want to prepare for that as well.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 02:31 PM
2

I can never do it all. Trying to do it all will result in you burning out. It is, frankly, unreasonable to try and do it all. And no one is going to blame you for not doing it all. What matters most is the time spent with your kids. Amazing trips and expansive gifts are fleeting. Kids will remember that you were there and present. The time you're reading to them is going to be a longer lasting memory than any 'big' show of things. when theyre not around its like I failed. When they are not there…
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 08:16 PM
2

How can I get out of this? If that is what the calculations say, you really cant. You can try and get her working more and/or fight for a greater share of custody time (Child support is based on overnights, 50/50 is 183/182) but outside of that you're only other option is for you to earn more yourself. If you havent done so already, you need to talk to an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 08:11 PM
1

Good luck. Way to sell it is you're 'relenting' on the 401k, not allowing her to keep it. Its all about messaging.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 02:28 PM
2

All but maybe $5K was contributed while we were married. So $2500 off... down to 37500. So, you get screwed twice with alimony. Yes, the laws recently changed. You're paying the taxes, shes not, and you cannot itemize amounts paid as of 2018 https://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc452#:~:text=You%20can't%20deduct%20alimony,payments%20applies%20to%20the%20modification. I'm NOT saying roll over on this however long term it might be best to get out of it and give up going after the 38k. If your state has a…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 06:47 PM
3

Its important to note that while the 401k is 80k more than yours, where was the starting point? Was that 80k ONLY earned/increased during the marriage? Its not about the giant total, only earned/increased during the marriage. You need to find the balances of your respective 401ks at the start of the marriage. If yours was 100k and hers was 150k that is really only a 50k increase, thus 25k to you. And they can get even MORE nit picky if they take the totals at teh start and do a separate calc on …
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 06:06 PM
2

I sorta got both ends - they left but I had to file so I got the hate for filing. Advice? KNow that you'll always be the bad guy to them. Dont be overly generous, just legal and fair. They will bad mouth you no matter what and you'll have no control over it. Be ready to lose friends and you'll likely never speak to her family again.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 03:07 PM
12

Early on I was told to limit communication to one channel (email) and slow down responses (24 hr min). Proved to be great advice.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 02:53 PM
2

SEPERATE YOUR FINANCES ASAP. Dont be like me. Cut them off NOW. I waited six months to file (they wanted it but did nothing after moving out) and another six to cut off my income. ONLY THEN did the process even start for them. The longer you're an open wallet the longer they have no reason to do F all and get this show on the road.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 03:35 AM
1

$350/hr - Just over 67 hours of work. So something like $23500 SO FAR.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 05:55 PM
1

https://www.cnn.com/audio/podcasts/all-there-is-with-anderson-cooper
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 05:54 PM
12

I spent six months trying to repair the dead marriage. Spouse had already moved out/on and wasnt interested in filing to get it over with (why would they, I was still funding things). "No one is coming to save you" Said to me by a friend. Was a bucket of cold water in the face but it helped me wake up and file myself.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 09:05 PM
6

She wants to do it cooperatively and I think it would be good, as long as she doesn't railroad me. You've got it backwards. The reason she is making this offer is because you are holding most of the cards here due to her making more and her 401k being 200k over yours AND her having a pension. You would be due part of her 401k via QDRO and part of her pension upon retirement. If you cant agree on the home, you can just sell it and split the funds. You are due half the value of the SUV that is pai…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 08:58 PM
12

Pretty much. It is considered a marital gift so you wont get it back/value of it. You can ask, they can say no. Simple as that.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 03:58 AM
2

I work from home, and would rather always have kids every Saturday and Sunday and then 1.5 days during the week She will likely not agree and, i'll be real here, you having them every weekend is going to wear you down. You WILL need weekend time without work for yourself. You probably feel guilty at times for being ok with being alone, and you're also upset you're only seeing them 50%. Totally get that. However allowing them weekend time with mom allows them to go do non-work day things with her…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 09:08 PM
3

First off - your account is 3 years old. IF you think she even MIGHT possibly know it/about it, get a burner. Also... if she gets a WHIFF of your plan the jigg is up. I’m not looking to put my STBX in a bad situation, but at the same time, I’ve worked really hard the past 30 years to put myself in a good spot and do not want to give things away that I do not have to. You need to get her working otherwise you'll be on the hook for sizeable alimony (you're likely going to have to pay something her…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 07:01 PM
2

(I.e. "look how your daughter is dressed!! Be a dad!" ...absolutely nothing wrong...). I got some of that as well and, frankly, some things I never even replied to. Its all just them trying to get a reaction. Another tip: If there is a real life convo OR an email starts addressing two topics, I would send a new email i.e. "Todays conversion about XXXX" and then do a one to two sentience summary - "today we spoke about (thing here) and I am reaching out asking for your answer" or "I'm sending thi…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 06:37 PM
1

Once I narrowed my communication to email and slowed it down, it only took about a month for things to go strictly business and zero drama.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 04:08 PM
1

We have two kids there are no custody agreements and no court orders stating I can't leave is there any legaly complications with me leaving? I wouldn't be uprooting the kids just establishing somewhere else. You can leave and there is nothing keeping you there. That said, if you leave and there is no custody agreement in place you're essentially handing your spouse 100% custody. Keep in mind Child support is based on overnights and if you move far enough away those are gonna be hard to argue. I…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 04:02 PM
6

The catch 22 is that I must interact concerning my child, but she entangles me into an argument that depletes my very spirit for days, it seems. . . and this is only by text. Copy/paste job from another comment I made about communication No more phone calls or in person convos. It can become he said she said and you dont know if you're being recorded (on phone or in person). Email only on large issues and text for kid pickup/drop off and emergency. Other things can be coordinated via email. Thin…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 03:47 PM
5

Overall whats best for your son? Thats said, I see Three options: court (and costs) to stay 2-2-3, no vacation you let him go (and asking where/when/with who, and get contact info) but you request a 7 day of your own you let him go but you say you're going along as well She will prob pick 2 - 1 is costly and 3 isnt what she would want.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 06:10 PM
3

150k house buy out from retirement 30k lawyers 20k unreimbursed expenses ...... so $200,000 but im trying to keep the home so im not really 'losing' that (unless that falls though) Money means nothing compared to the TIME i am losing with my kids. THAT is the real outrage. I'll never get that back.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 03:30 PM
2

I know it doesn't make sense but my heart is incontrol most of the time still. IF this person has been in your life 15+ years it makes complete sense... you're literally hard wired right now as their husband and there is a CHEMICAL REACTION going on in your brain that you're now having to fight. The effort they are making, mentally, is MINIMAL at best. Odds are they made this decision a long time ago and are 'over' the mental angush. They got a head start on you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 03:08 PM
7

We still laugh and joke together. But that's it. I don't know how to accept that I can't change her mind. I don't know how to plow forward without her when I think she's making a mistake This is going to sound harsh but here it is: if she wants to be divorced you need to give her the divorce and go low/no contact. Her 'joking' around with you is her keeping one foot on base and that is not fair TO YOU. Its messing with YOUR mind. She is trying to keep you in 'husband' mode so you roll over for h…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 02:47 PM
7

I'm pretty sure she hasn't realized that part yet At least 50% of my costs are due to the fact my spouse needed to be educated on the process and how things work. For your sake I hope she has a competent lawyer who will tell her how things will play out. Mine waited half a year and did nothing. I had to file. Anything I told them about the process or implications of the decision they made fell on deaf ears or I was told I was full of crap. While its fun to think they will finally see the consequ…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 03:55 PM
2

Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 03:07 PM
3

Minecraft has something called realms, if your kiddo is into that. You both work on the same world thats always online - so you can make stuff together or work on it while he's not in there (he can come back to something you made). Its cross platform on systems and phones so you wont need a whole ass system to make it work, just a phone/tablet. There is also online stuff with roblox. Both of those are text only, I dont think they have voice communication. Nintendo, Playstaton, xbox, all have onl…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 03:05 PM
9

This is Sergeant so and so from the County Sheriff's office You call that county sheriff office back at the non-emergency number, not the one they gave you, directly and ask for that officer. No officer, its a scam.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 02:58 PM
2

What are your commuinication guidelines in your agreement? Can you call them during their time with mom? They game online? Time to get the same system and maybe one of the games they have. I play on PSN with one of my kids - mom isnt thrilled about it BUT its online and he could be talking to anyone anyway. We just set up a dedicated chat." A call once over five days, even for a few min might help. Facetime even. As long as its cleared in your agreement she really cant do much. I also went out o…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 02:57 PM
3

Now is a good a time as any. I legit dumped half a $90 bottle of scotch down the sink and threw out a bunch of beer. Didnt even try to rationalize finishing it, giving it away, whatever. The cost of that was NOTHING compared to what I could lose OR the damage I could do. I dont even go near the liquor aisle in the store now. Anytime I want to drink I go for a walk or just do pushups until my arms hurt.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:39 PM
3

When my kids were younger and would lose it I would tell them: you can be upset and angry. You cannot be mean and act like (insert thing they did/person they hit/words they screamed). As your child gets older it might start to be retained. Four is rough as they are still learning emotion and how to navigate them. Hugs and I love yous go futher than you might think. /r/daddit and /r/parenting might also have some good advice. Maybe /r/singledads and /r/custody as well.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:14 PM
2

At the start I was a complete mess mentally, emotionally, and more. I dropped all drinking and havent had anything in almost two years. Its not like it would do anything other than make me feel like trash. That alone is a good start - you'll feel like crap for a week or so when you dry out but SO much better once you stop. You also need to have your wits about you so you dont get steam rolled. Trying to deal with all this hungover wont cut it. Its not just you now, its you and your kids. You can…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:10 PM
2

IF you think you cant do it.... You've been doing it the whole time. You ARE doing it. Is it a nightmare? Yes. Is it unfair? Yes. Is it permanent. NO. I wont lie - this is the hardest shit you'll ever face in your life BUT YOU ARE FACING IT NOW AND MAKING IT. Even posting here is more than what some people do. For the sake of the kids, for yourself, keep going. FORCE yourself to shower, eat, get outside. When you dont have the kids, call friends and tell them you dont want to be alone. I accept …
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 06:44 PM
8

I became a total asshole at that point. After ten years of being a pushover and saying yes to everything she wanted to do) Let me guess, because you started saying no to stuff?
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 02:22 PM
2

It's been 5 months since the split up, neither side has initiated the divorce. Outside of addressing the other parts of the post, right off the bat you need to file. All that is happening right now is you're having an expensive fight. SOMEONE needs to file and draw a line fiscally. Any assets you both gain AND debts are shared.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 02:05 PM
1

Just any tips or pitfalls to look out for. Addressing this first - This is going to suck to hear but you're not going to get everything you want, you'll pay more that you want, and its probably going to be not how you want it to go down. If you can come to grips with THAT you'll save yourself a ton of stress and you forcing your lawyer to tell you how it is at $350/hr. Early on I KNEW i was gonna take it on the chin to save the house (still on going) and its not AS stressful as it could be. I’m …
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 05:20 AM
2

The asset/house mediation is coming up soon, do you happen to have a write up similar to this for that one? Might be something in my profile. I tend to write out all my thoughts here/info dumps. What kind of questions do you have?
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 03:59 AM
1

Just know YOU will be the constant in his life and YOU are his dad. You being there for him ALL the time is going to go a lot farther that anyone else your ex brings into /out of his life. A lot of this process is eating shit however for the sake of the kids we gotta. My spouse already has another person. I was upset for about two days. Then I was disgusted by my ex for doing this. Before you knew it, the other person was already gone.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 03:56 AM
1

You're welcome. I get that it all seems overwhelming. Like "how do i even do this?" Its just another BS thing in life. It takes time and you'll have time. No answer will ever have to be given in the moment. There will come a point where you want things to go faster. End of the day its just money. Time with your kid... THAT is the most important thing. You'll never replace or make more of that.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 11:27 PM
1

I am not either. I am benefiting from relatively simple finances, no major debt, no business, no big investments. I went with option 4 because we have kids. I would have loved to yank the plug but the fallout on my kids would be too much. If you haven't done so, at least talk to an attorney (interview a few) to see how things play out once you cut off the money because realistically you cannot expect to pay for two households for the rest of your life. If you're worried about losing half your mo…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 09:30 PM
1

I was the same way. I forced myself out of the home. Anytime I was invited anywhere for anything I went. I walked. I just wasnt alone. That is a great step to take.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 09:28 PM
3

Good luck. Remember: you'll NEVER get the time back. Years from now you will NOT give a damn about the work, social events, things you bought, all you'll think about is the time you had with your kids. Time is the one thing you cannot make.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 09:27 PM
7

One thing someone told me when I was just wallowing in self pity and anguish: "This may not be your fault, it is your responsibility now." Made me pull my head out of my butt for the sake of my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 07:03 PM
1

I ended up asking my friends if they knew people and was put in touch with a few. Crazy part in all of this: Some day YOU will be the resource for someone. I'm sorry you're going though all this. Its not your fault. For the sake of your kid it IS your responsibility, now. You can do it. You will make it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 06:54 PM
2

Yeah im not saying things will go bad in the future but I would rather THEY try and drag a 150+lb teen into their car and me not have to do the same.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 06:31 PM
1

I hope it helped. I was a sucker for a while and it cost me. Once I cut off access to all my income and dropped them from insurance, suddenly then they wanted to move things along.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 06:30 PM
1

I was fortunate that a lot of the above went my way, other parts cost me a ton of cash to make happen.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 05:57 PM
1

Maybe I'm a sucker and doormat, I don't know. I am seriously conflicted and freaked out about it. No, man, you're just in damage control mode and you're NOT thinking with your head on strait and that is OK. You're working though a trauma and you're brain is trying to mitigate damage. First step is to accept the fact you're NOT in a good headspace and wont figure this all out right now. You'll get time. The process takes time... hell, at some point you'll want it to hurry the hell up. You are NOT…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 05:25 PM
5

I see you're getting good feed back and I want to reiterate that you should NOT settle for less than 50/50. Cut and past job from another comment ive made on reddit: 50/50 NO MATTER WHAT. TIME is the ultimate commodity now. You can always make more money, social events, ect but you can NEVER make time. No one looks back on their kids childhood and says "I should have worked more during your soccer games and recitals and days with me!" Hand offs during the school year are on school days. I.e. She…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 05:16 PM
1

Ill start by saying you've got as really old reddit account - if your spouse knows your user name get a burner. Just a FYI as ANY financial move you make is like throwing a rock at a hornets nest and you dont want the hornets to know you're gonna throw. Some background on my deal - Once we separated my spouse opened a new account for them and put only 1/2 our mortgage in to our joint. I kept using the joint putting in my whole paycheck and carrying them/kids on my insurance. They bled me dry ove…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 04:29 PM
14

support her financially 100%. I feel used and cast aside. You need to cut off the cash IMMEDITLY and yean, shes USING YOU. Get a little mad and suddenly the sad will subside. She's not going to file. Why would she? You're an open wallet and free child care whenever she likes. SHe's only allowing you to parent when its good for her. Plus, our son now has a new male "role model" that I have no influence over. I fucking hate this situation so much. You are his father and can be the main role model …
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 03:09 PM
1

Its a charged topic. You cant exactly come out and say "i dont believe you" when it comes to stuff like this because you'll come off looking like a jerk. At the very least you should speak with an attorney (she does not need to know) just to see how things play out. Consults are for the most part free however you've got a VERY complex fiscal situation with multiple homes and a business. You might have to pay a bit more for a consult (fee ones run about 30min) as this could take a hour or two to …
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 01:48 PM
22

I asked why she doesn’t just file for divorce, she said because it’ll get ugly and doesn’t want to deal with dividing assets. Listen man, Im going to be blunt (like others were for me) Your marrige is OVER and she has made up her mind to divorce you BUT its not a good time for her right now. She's planning and waiting. Its only going to get ulgy when you wise up and she realizes the jig is up. You're being placated. She doesn’t work. I work two jobs. Without her working and you still doing all t…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 04:56 AM
1

Plan and think for FUTURE you. Current him needs to do the work so future him wont be screwed or a utter mess. I wont lie, this will be the worst thing someone can ever deal with in their life BUT you WILL make it. Get a therapist/support system. They charge way the hell less than a lawyer. Time apart from the other person is absolutely the best thing for mental stability. No contact unless needed and email only. Tell them no texting. Block/delete socials and tell friends to stop/not show you wh…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/24 05:19 AM
3

AS TXjohn said, have the settlement go into a trust. Do NOT co-mingle the funds with your marital income/assets. TOTALLY SEPERATE. And yeah, talk to a lawyer. Do NOT let your wife know you know about the 2023 filing. Gah, the audacity.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/24 05:13 AM
1

You're setting yourself on fire to keep someone warm who isnt interested in being warm. If she wants a divorce and to roll the dice, let her. Her cancer diagnosis is odd. Doc says she can work. At this pt she has a 50% chance of living 5 years and 9% chance of living 10 years. She claims in the initial divorce paperwork she cannot ever work again. If you can swing it you need to speak with her doctor(s). This seems... fishy. All im reading here is shes ready to cut bait and split up a TON of cas…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/24 05:11 AM
2

I feel confident that she will pay me though. Well the good news is its not you asking and her saying ok, the state will make it happen. There really isnt a choice here and if she drags her feet she will end up with a wage garnishment.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/24 04:42 PM
5

My spouse pulled the same BS until finally one day when we were all at home I told them I was going to tell the kids and they could join me in the living room then and there or not. I know her enough to know that a) she doesn't want to tell them; she wants me to do it, and b) when I do it, she'll use it against me somehow and make me the bad guy. LONG TERM your spouse is making a bad move. The kids WILL REMEMEBER what parent 'left' and doubly so if they were not there fielding questions. You mig…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/24 03:45 PM
2

Over the course of the marriage I started giving up, my hobbies, my friends and anything else that took me away from the house. She was a nurse. same deal but doctor I jumped through hoops to get the charges dropped because she would loose her license as a nurse practitioner. You're better than me I would have let that run its course. I hope you're getting CS for your kids if shes making more than you.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/24 04:38 AM
3

Generally the only thing that will end spousal support is the one receiving it remarries or the person paying it dies. If she comes into a ton of money, all support looks at is income at the time of div. MAYBE some states allow for a re-calc however I dont know that. If your brother wants to play the long game he can reduce his income, get her to increase hers, and/or co-mingle any inheritance with their income/investments/savings (it would be subject to being split). At the very least your brot…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/24 04:25 AM
3

My problem is I really don't care about all the shit that could be gained. Dont do it for you today. Do it for you, and your kids, three to five years from now. THAT GUY is YELLING back in time to today, screaming at you even, to get what you're supposed to get. DONT SCREW FUTURE YOU BECAUSE CURRENT YOU FEELS BAD ABOUT DOING THIS
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 03:35 PM
13

But she wants to divorce for financial reasons and just stay together. She is lowballing you and the second the ink is dry you'll be out on your ass. DO NOT DO THIS. Heed the advice from everyone here and take what you're due. This isn't about fair its about what is legal. Get what you're legally entitled to.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 03:33 PM
7

We are still living together and will be for at least the next year... If she wants to be divorced she can move out. Also, there is no way you're going to be able to put up with this for a year. Dont be like me. File and cut finances. Make it real. Once we separated my spouse opened a new account for them and put only 1/2 our mortgage in to our joint. I kept using the joint. They bled me dry over six months. My attorney said it was all one big pot and didnt matter but things took so long it beca…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 06:10 PM
7

You're in disaster mode. This is normal. You're basically trying to re-figure out every aspect of your life ALL AT ONCE. Just know that you're not expected to do that at the drop of a hat and you'll have time to figure ALL this out. No one will make you suddenly give answers to all of this and you're allowed to tell everyone on anything "i need some time I will get back to you" The legal process part of this moves slowly so you will have time. In fact once things calm down you'll start to think …
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 05:32 PM
5

Roles reversed, you have full custody and they have 50/50, do you think this person would date you?
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 05:26 PM
6

Tell me I'm not the only one. You are absolutely not the only one. Help me understand. Thats the thing - no one can because you're trying to make sense of the BS. Shes out there telling everyone the sky is red and gravity is fake and you and everyone around you knows its crap but "its her truth" or whatever else they/she wants to justify it. If you dont have kids with this person you need to move to no contact, remove/block/delete on all SM, and (frankly) give up some mutual friends if they are …
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 04:36 PM
1

The man you are now is the kind of partner she will look for when she is older and you believe you're a good man and want to provide her with love, care, and stability so when she is older she will know she need to look for that in a partner.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 04:59 AM
12

After no contact with her for over a month, she hits me up and is telling me it's not too late, we can still stop the divorce from happening, she realizes she misses and still wants me. I was shocked because I had pretty much accepted that I probably wouldn't hear from her again. It did make me happy. You need to ask her what, specifically, she misses about you. If its you as a person thats one thing but I would wager you'll get answers about what you can/do provide, not who you are. We talk for…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 04:55 AM
3

ut I would like to believe that if someone I was close to was going through this that I would always try to be there for them and not get upset even if they keep rehashing stuff. But I could be wrong. You're not wrong however unless they have ALSO experienced this they wont truly 'get it'. With friends, you'll get about a year of them willing to listen. You'll be going to them with all the firsts: first day out in a new apt/spouse moved out, first fathers day, first holidays, first time they did…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 04:50 AM
1

Good luck. I have other giant ass comments on stuff ive learned in my profile. I would link here but I think this sub will filter any comment with a link, even reddit. Any questions, ask away. Ive spent about 30k learning all this BS and want to help people save what they can.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 02:36 AM
4

I can’t seem to move on at all and cannot let her go. I feel like I’m dying. I miss her, I miss our family, I miss our pets. It hurts so bad. Your family is you and your kids now. You can get your own pet(s). it WILL get betting however it takes time. Not seeing her and communicating is the best for you, long term. Don't hang on to the dead marriage. It is not fair. I may not be your fault. It IS your responsibility to be there for your kids. Do not drink. Do not use drugs.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 03:27 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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