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HusbandGettingBetter Archive

View 11 posts and 112 comments by HusbandGettingBetter on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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6

"She hurt me on purpose to feel better about the divorce." I hear this. She needed a villain to justify her decision and it was easier to make you the bad guy than accept any accountability for her role.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 07:00 PM
8

Wow. A woman grieves the end of her marriage not the end of their (husband and wife) marriage. I never thought of it like that.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 06:27 AM
7

Spot on. She found an excuse to blame you for the divorce. If only you did X, said Y,and thought Z, she would not have been forced to file for divorce. It's all mental gymnastics. It's a way to avoid accountability for her decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 11:20 PM
2

They believe the Hollywood version of romance and relationships. Real life doesn't stand a chance.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 10:33 PM
1

That sucks. I'm sorry you had to hear that.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 10:28 PM
2

"Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other." -Al Bundy, supposedly (but not really)
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 07:45 PM
5

She either ignores the hurt she caused you by pretending it never happened, applies mental gymnastics to conclude that you forced her to cheat on you, or justifies the cheating because the relationship was already over. To her you have to be the villain because she doesn't want to feel guilty about the ways she hurt you. Add in some divorced friends who support her justifications (life is too short to be unhappy and you deserve to be happy) and she is a saint. My ex told me that she made the "ha…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 07:43 PM
4

Remember, she will never be the villain in her own story.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 07:36 PM
4

It's going to be a rollercoaster - best of luck. Here are my recommendations to make this journey as least painful as possible (because it's going to hurt): Hire a lawyer. Your lawyer is there not only to help you with the process but also to stop you from doing stupid things. If you have kids, they are your number one priority. Join the Gym. Physical health is very important now. Get a therapist. Mental health is just as important. Be aware of your addictions - Drugs, Alcohol, Porn, etc. Start …
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 08:54 PM
2

I may be of a different opinion here, but I suggest you give reconciliation a chance. However, you need to treat the reconciliation process as a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP) at work. Clearly defined issues, a mutually understood course of action to address those issues, and defined & Achievable goals. Reconciliation fails when there is no plan, strategy, or goals - just amorphous intentions and unclear targets that can never truly be met. If you take this approach, you will force her (and …
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 08:45 PM
1

I can relate. I only use half of my bed even though I haven't slept with my ex-wife in over two years.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/25 08:31 PM
7

I'm so sorry. They do not realize the emotional wreckage they leave in their wake.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/25 01:34 AM
2

This is the only advice you should follow. Hire a lawyer now. Literally after reading these words, call an attorney's office. Call friends and family for a recommenation of an attorney. Hire an attorney NOW.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 07:19 PM
6

Story of my marriage, but definitely the story of my divorce. If it wasn't for double standards, the cognitive overload would cause her to spontaneously combust.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 03:10 PM
3

When your wife says the kids are resilient and will get over the divorce, that is what she needs to believe because she can't be the villain of her story. She will never admit the kids will be hurt by her decision. In fact, I would not be shocked if she loudly proclaimed to all that the kids will actually be better off because of the the divorce. My STBXW actually said she filed for divorce because she wanted to model strong behavior for our kids. Absent abuse, addiction, or adultery, the vast m…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 05:12 PM
13

This happens to me frequently. It's brutal and erases all the mental progress I've achieved. I don't have a solution, but to remind your kids you love them and will also be there for them even if you're not physically there. Their mom pretends that the divorce is better for our kids, but I prefer to live in reality.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/25 06:22 PM
5

Good for you. Stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 11:01 PM
1

The first step is to determine what your needs (requirements) and wants (desires) are. Next, you need to communicate these needs and wants clearly. I recommend using I Statements to avoid the other person getting defensive. Finally, you need to maintain your boundaries around your needs. A needy person is someone who will ignore their boundaries and allow another person's needs and desires to become their own needs and desires. It's not easy, but these steps are important.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 07:42 PM
10

I learned the hard way that the easiest way to make your wife unhappy is by saying yes. Think about what you want and what you need. Truly think about it. What are your wants and needs out of a relationship? How do you think she would react if you communicated those wants and needs to her? Compare her reaction to what your reaction would be if she communicated her wants and needs to you. Also, do not be needy. If you are needy, fawning, or love-bombing you will not be your authentic self.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/25 03:09 PM
16

“Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action” - Auric Goldfinger from Goldfinger) (novel). While more than one divorce is not necessarily a red flag, I would be on guard for how her current behavior may have contributed to the divorces. Perhaps she married two awful men, but perhaps not. Also, she may have grown as a person and learned from her divorces. It's certainly possible. In any event, I would not immediately run from her, but I would lace up those running shoe…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/25 03:04 PM
1

Oh Well, Oh Well by Mayday Parade Lose Yourself by Eminem Panic Attack by The Glorious Sons
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/25 02:16 PM
2

I was unaware. I stand corrected.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 01:58 AM
2

Prior restraint BY THE GOVERNMENT. This is not a Free speech or First Amendment Issue.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 07:51 PM
6

She is trying to control your behavior around the kids. While a non-disparagement clause is not uncommon, a no swearing clause is unheard of. Tell her no.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 07:50 PM
1

I am sorry that happened to you. False DV charges are despicable.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 06:39 PM
4

Well put. It blew my mind when someone told me that her decision to divorce me had nothing to do with me. But, over time I realized that was true. Her decision to file for divorce and all the pain that came with it was all about, not me. You are absolutely correct that the only way forward is to better yourself, physically and mentally. And, if applicable, be the best father you can.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 12:31 AM
4

Someone will never be the villain of his/her own story. People will always provide rationalizations and justifications for what they did. To show remorse or even admit that the section to file for divorce hurt someone would be admitting that your decision caused that pain. However, for whatever reason, the allure of being the victim (and therefore blameless) seems to be stronger in women that men. When someone casts the self as a victim,they don't need to feel regret or remorse because the situa…
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 03:12 PM
4

We all share some of the blame when a relationship fails. The key part is understanding that you aren't to blame for everything, despite what she says. My STBXW reflexively blames me for everything.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 03:33 AM
9

Don't blame yourself. Love is blind. I married someone who denigrated me in front of others. She did not respect me. It got so bad one of my friends tried to speak to me about it and I brushed it off as no big deal. We all make mistakes (some bigger than others). Forgive yourself and learn from it. I'm trying to do that.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 03:02 AM
11

I'm sorry that happened to you. Some people are just despicable.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 02:08 AM
1

I disagree. I have found that some women (not all) attribute causes to feelings and never reconsider. We all have feelings. Those feelings are never invalid or wrong. If you are sad, angry, or happy, there is nothing wrong with that feeling. It is a fact like anything else. I feel sad. The apple is red. The book was 500 pages. All those are factual statements. However, when a cause is assigned to those feelings, problems occur. I feel sad because of what he did. I am angry because of what he sai…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 03:17 PM
3

Yup. I called my STBXW out for reflexively blaming me for something that was her fault (undeniable evidence was presented). She admitted she was wrong in this extremely limited instance but insisted that she was not wrong in general and felt no need to apologize. There is a reason she is on the US Women's Mental Gymnastics Team...
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 03:03 PM
4

Because she needs something to fight against. "Grey rocking" is a strategy, particularly used in dealing with narcissists or other toxic individuals, where you minimize emotional engagement and become as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible to discourage their manipulative or abusive behavior. She needs you to be the villain in her story so she can be the hero. If you grey rock her, casting you as the villain will be much more challenging (though still possible in her fantasy realm).
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 02:57 PM
8

My STBXW called me a "Calm Psychopath" because I refused to scream and yell back at her. You are wrong no matter what you do.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 09:42 PM
28

One of the most valuable things I took out of the divorce was my reputation (despite her best efforts). I never lied (false allegations), spoke poorly of her (other than facts that were known already), or used any other alternative tactic. Any alternative tactics may net you a short-term gain but will cost you dearly in the long run. Friends, Family, and your kids will always eventually discover the truth. If you lie about something huge, they will hate you forever when the truth comes out. Imag…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/25 06:00 PM
3

I'm totally following this account. It's like a peak into the crazy playbook she is following.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 08:15 PM
4

Mine even told me that she made the house into a home explicitly saying that I had nothing to do with it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 07:18 PM
6

Wow. They just pile in the husband without a moment's hesitation. Vicious.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 07:16 PM
2

Thank you for your response. This is the kind of honest and grounded advise I appreciate this subreddit for,
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 01:49 PM
3

It's an everyday issue. She needs attention just as much as any kid does. Middle school is rough for girls. She feels that mom and dad just don't have enough time for her. I can't say she is wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 10:21 PM
7

You have no idea. I am constantly asking if I am crazy, if I am the asshole here, or if I am missing something. It's not narcissism. It's low self-esteem and anxious attachment. If she is wrong, then she can not be perfect. If she is not perfect, she is not good enough or worthy of love and support.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 03:07 PM
14

To explain her line of reasoning, we must engage in some additional Mental Gymnastics (My STBXW is on the US Women's Mental Gymastics Team and will be defending her Gold Medals in Projection and Blame-Shifting at the 2028 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles). During our marriage, my job was more flexible (which is why I handled all the kids' medical appointments), while her job had more hard deadlines and scheduled meetings. After she filed for divorce and I realized that saving my marriage was a fut…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 03:00 PM
7

How do you make a woman unhappy? Tell her yes.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 09:12 PM
4

"The paradox is that the nicer you are, the harder they have to demonize you in order to justify, to themselves, why they are walking away from a good partner. They also need to be able to convince their friends/family, who likely know you as a decent person and are confused about her behavior." YES! This is entirely true. During the month after my STBXW, she told family and friends that she was "unhappy", "we just grew apart", and other boring reasons. However, after these banal justifications …
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 09:01 PM
3

Some people love drama and will create it to fill their needs. I often think of this quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby: They were careless people, Tom and Daisy- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.” Some people could not care less about the destruction they cause in others' lives. A woman actively encouraged my wife…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 08:50 PM
14

I am familar with the "he made me apologize for something and now I am upset so I am justified in being an asshole to him" routine. I never want to hear "Why don't men open up about their feelings to women?" again without recognizing that some (not all) women make men pay for expressing their feelings.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 08:29 PM
9

Yup. I've been on the receiving end of the "I am technically apologizing because I am using the word sorry, BUT here is why I really don't need to" My STBXW is on the US Women's Mental Gymastics Team. She will be defending her Gold Medals in Projection and Blame-Shifting at the 2028 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 08:26 PM
3

Yup. This is what's happening to me now.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 09:31 PM
1

Not a lot of cope, but more realizing the underlying causes and circumstances that led to my divorce. We lived together before and for about a half-year after she filed. She is all but legally my ex-wife. You would be correct to say that she or anyone else in her life is waiting for the paperwork to consider me her ex-husband. However, this is not a fruitless exercise. Divorce is a fundamental rejection of who you are by the person who supposedly knows you best. Knowing that this person chose to…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 02:38 PM
9

Unfortunately, some therapists have learned that challenging your client may be the quickest way to no longer have a client.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 08:33 PM
-1

That may have been the case with my wife. But she didn't bother to even check let alone undergo HRT. It was easier to cast herself as the victim.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 06:42 PM
5

Yes, I agree. The therapist told her she was a victim and therefore blameless. Once the binary victim abuser mentality was established, reality didn't stand a chance.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 03:00 PM
1

I'm glad that my post helped you understand what's happening in your relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 12:54 PM
1

Me? It's a rollercoaster, but I'm doing okay all things considered. It's amazing what happens when you put your personal and professional needs above hers. Suddenly, you're taking advantage of her and you're "the bad guy". This is the path she chose and, yet, I am to blame. It's sad and disappointing.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 12:42 PM
17

Divorced women encourage other women to divorce. These women do it explicitly, but also implicitly by telling other women how amazing their life is now that they are divorced (whether it is true or not).
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 06:39 PM
12

You don't. You make the conscious effort to improve yourself. If you improve yourself, the marriage will improve. Having kids is difficult and strains the marriage. But, divorce is so much worse. You sound like so many women on the various divorce groups. "I'm unhappy. The love is gone. It's all my spouses fault." Take some responsibility and accountability. Stop blaming your wife. You are responsible for the state of the relationship just as much as she is.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 04:25 AM
2

Affair Partner
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 11:04 PM
2

Sadly, this has become apparent during the prior year of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 11:17 PM
4

Yes, my thoughts went there when she filed. She destroyed me several times through the process (though I now realize I was her partner in my destruction). See a therapist and work through it. There is no other way. Message me if you need to. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 05:09 PM
6

Yup, kids. Plus, I am not very smart.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 02:47 PM
6

In most states, only one party must consent to recording a phone call. This means the interviewer can legally hit the record button without letting the person on the other end of the line know what they’re doing. However, 11 states require two-party consent. In other words, every individual involved in a conversation must be made aware (and agree to) of the phone call recording. Those states are California, Delaware, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pen…
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 12:15 PM
13

I assure you that I am not happy. I love a woman who no longer exists (my wife before the divorce) or never existed (my memory of who I thought she was). The divorce hurt my kids. They ask if their mom will always love them because she said she would always love dad, but now she does not. I don't have a good reply, so I assure them that both mommy and daddy will always love you. I lost my family and the future memories I wanted to experience. I get angry when she is shocked at the extremely fore…
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 11:50 AM
6

I had something similar happen to me a few months before my wife dropped the divorce in my lap. She loves coffee first thing in the morning but hates making coffee first thing in the morning. So, one morning, she asked me to make her coffee, and I playfully asked for a BJ in return. After a fun and flirty conversation while the coffee is brewing, she agrees that if I make her coffee in the morning for a week straight, she will give me a blow job every day the following week. Every night for the …
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 11:25 AM
4

Incredibly, they expect you to keep the promises you made to support her BEFORE the divorce AFTER the divorce. Though I have not done so yet, I've wanted to respond by telling her, "You promised to stay married to me and not fuck other guys, so I won't be keeping my promise to [previous obligation] either."
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 11:09 AM
8

Recast your motivation for doing these tasks as a way to be with your son, not to prove your worth. She stopped being a wife, so you should stop being a husband. Spoiler Alert - she will be quite upset when you stop playing her husband, but that's on her. She didn't want a husband, and it's about time for her to understand the consequences of her decision. You are engaging in Nice Guy Covert Contracts. If you do these tasks, you think she will notice my usefulness and we can be in a relationship…
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 10:56 AM
4

I assure you that was not always the case. I played husband well after she stopped playing wife.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 10:56 PM
15

It's as if they can not connect the dots between the divorce and your unwillingness to act like a husband.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 10:54 PM
3

I did not give up the dog. He is still my dog. But I could not take the dog away from my kids. They love him so much.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 10:44 PM
20

Stop applying logic and reason to this situation. You'll only hurt yourself. She wanted the divorce, not the consequences.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 05:58 PM
4

Yes, this sub was vital when I was in crisis. It should not be private. Men need help where they are on their journey.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 02:36 PM
17

Is there a chance that the HIV positive test results were a false positive? Just in case, she should get two more tests independent of each other. Do not make life altering decisions based on potentially unreliable evidence.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 05:20 PM
8

You can't apply logic and reason to a decision based on emotions.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 03:15 PM
11

Don't look for the reason it happened, because there may not even be a reason.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 03:12 PM
5

You are enough.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 03:07 PM
2

Sadly, this is true more than it should be.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 03:32 AM
7

This is the smartest reply. Divorce sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 03:25 AM
4

Divorced women make other women divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 09:33 PM
1

Therapists' goal is to help the person they are treating. When the patient presents as being trapped in an unhappy marriage,there is an easy solution. Unfortunately, that easy solution comes with a lot of bigger problems.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 11:41 PM
2

Why are you waiting for a fish to climb a tree? It's not going to happen. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/qQQpWEJ2xN
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 05:09 PM
1

I'm trying my best to help others learn from my mistakes.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 02:27 AM
1

Start with the premise that she uses her current feelings to evaluate her decisions. She is not using reason and logic. She is using an emotional lens to view the past.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/24 10:10 PM
2

Don't see it as a lack of accountability. She is not using the same metrics as you to evaluate the situation. She views the relationship through her current feelings, not reason and logic. She is holding herself accountable, not to her past, but to her current feelings about the relationship. If you start from the premise that she uses her current feelings to evaluate the entire relationship, then her thought process may become a little clearer, though still erroneous.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/24 10:08 PM
7

u/Android_1234, you are spot on, but this line stuck out for me: I so desperately want a solid, exact reason for things ending but I know that's not how this works and I'm never going to get that. Here is the truth: you will get reasons, but never THE REASON. She will tell you what you could have done better and so on, but that's not THE REASON. You may never get THE REASON because it may not exist. Maybe there is a concrete reason for the divorce (Adultery, Abuse, Addiction). Still, you should …
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 07:44 PM
2

Read the following books: The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis (https://a.co/d/g0ewEu1) Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno (https://a.co/d/98xF2Rm) Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson EdD (https://a.co/d/7GK0k8r) What steps toward personal accountability have you taken? Are you seeing a therapist?
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 07:21 PM
12

I hear you. It's tough. I, too, am on the emotional rollercoaster of divorce. First, both of you were the co-creators of your marriage's failure. You both are responsible. You both could have done or said things differently. You both could have communicated your emotional needs and understood the other's emotional needs better. Understanding your culpability and understanding your issues is the first step towards healing. Second, stop applying logic and reason to the situation. She didn't, and s…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 07:15 PM
11

Yes, she could have realized that she was also responsible for our marriage's failure by doing some genuine self-reflection and critical self-analysis. SPOILER: She did not. Instead, she chose a different path. "If only he had done X, said Y, or conveyed Z, then I would not have needed to file for divorce." Like many on here, I took a critical look at myself and my contributions to my marriage's failure. It was rough, but I am better for it. My "wife" decided she wanted a divorce and backfilled …
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 06:50 PM
2

I could not agree with u/upvotersfortruth more. She is not your mother. She is your kids' mother. Depending on how old your kids are, you should help your kids get her a Mother's Day gift and a card from each of the kids. I have younger kids, and I know that when they give their mom a card and a gift, my kids will be so happy. Yes, their mom will be happy as well, but that does not factor into my decision to buy the cards and gifts with them. Remember, you are doing this to make your kids happy.…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 06:41 PM
5

Use empathy. Apologize for how your actions affected her and caused her pain. An apology without empathy is worthless for most women.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 03:58 PM
2

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I am not blameless. I played a role in the failure of the marriage and the creation of the emotional abuse dynamic. My failure to set boundaries and enforce those boundaries is my fault. I am working on recognizing my patterns of poor behavior with my therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 11:45 AM
3

You have a lot to unpack. I am struggling to identify myself as a victim of emotional abuse, which is diametrically opposed to who I think I am. It seems everyone knew I was being emotionally abused. They even told me. But I dismissed or rationalized their concerns. It's a lot to deal with. Best of luck.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 01:00 AM
1

It's so hard to recognize emotional abuse sometimes. It is hard to recognize emotional abuse in your own relationship, while it is easy to identify in others' relationships. No spouse is fully to blame for the failure of a marriage. Both parties share blame in some way. Both parties may not be equally at fault but are nevertheless at fault.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 07:41 PM
1

Probably true. It's a journey as well all know.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 05:34 PM
6

I’m actually to blame in some ways because my ‘happy wife, happy life’ mindset contributes to the downfall of my marriage however her failure to take accountability for her own actions further increases my ability to let go. I hear you. I said yes to my wife on all the major decisions (moving, spending larger sums of money, remodeling, buying property, etc.). She got what she asked for, and, shockingly, she was unhappy. Your wife's introspection and accountability will come, but she will admit i…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 05:28 PM
3

Please work with your therapist to discover why you allowed this abuse to go on for so long. I called him to tell him my revelation about being emotionally abused. He was kind and respectful, but it was clear that he was waiting for me to finally realize that I was a victim of my wife's emotional abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 05:18 PM
3

Maybe you're right. Unfortunately, therapy is also teaching her to play the victim rather than admitting her role in the failure of our marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 12:51 AM
5

Yup. Female therapist here too.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 12:01 AM
5

Did you take the time to read the linked Family Process journal article or did you just bless us with your hot take?
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 09:00 PM
4

Who says that marriage is always going to be happy? Ask any married couple with young kids how they have been doing for the last four years. It's been hard. The key is to understand that your happiness level is not set in stone. It will change. Failing to understand that is shortsighted at best and self-centered at worst.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 07:26 PM
7

Funny story: whenever she complained or made a comment about what I wanted in the divorce process, I would reply, "I don't want any of this. This is what you wanted." That phrase is so ingrained that she repeats it to me in a fight. It haunts her whenever she is dealing with a consequence of her decision to file for divorce. For example, I was telling her that my choices for my day were made for me because she was late and did not update me. Her reply was, "I'm not late just for fun. I run aroun…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 09:15 PM
5

My cousin said that my wife would continue to cast herself as a victim (no one believes that except her divorced/divorcing friends), blame me for every negative consequence of the divorce, and use the kids to make me feel worse. Within 12 hours of my cousin saying that my wife sent a text message at 7:00 am playing the victim (she did not get any sleep as the kids kept her up all night), blamed me (because you riled them up last night), and asking me to help with the kids that morning because th…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 06:44 PM
5

I assure you that the "This was all a mistake let’s reconcile!" will not be coming next. What is coming next is more of blaming me for everything, casting herself as a victim, and using the kids to make me feel even worse.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 06:37 PM
7

My kids are 10, 7, and 5. They don't understand the situation fully. Unfortunately, this is the text message exchange with my wife when we were discussing the distress my 7 year old was experiencing: Me: As I said before, I do not want to discuss these issues right now. Me: I feel responsible for emotionally hurting our children. They are feeling distress because of our actions. I feel like I've let 7-year-old down in a significant way. Wife: They're not feeling distress over our actions. Wife: …
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 06:23 PM
8

The 10-year-old and the 7-year-old are writing me letters asking me to come home. Everyone tells you that your wife is going to break your heart when she files for divorce, but no one told me how hard it would be when the kids ask you to come back home. I am a fool and would come back instantly if my wife said she would work with me to strengthen the marriage, but she won't. I promised myself that I would never hurt my kids, but, through this divorce process, I am not living up to that promise. …
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 06:18 PM
8

You should have seen the look on her face when she realized what "custodial parent" status actually meant. Priceless. You asked for it, I agreed to it, and you got it. But now it's my fault and it's all very unfair.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:48 PM
9

Yes, she is desperately trying to cast herself as the victim. However, it's not working as well as she had hoped because people don't believe her. Terms like Emotional Abuse and Financial Exploitation are being stretched to meaninglessness. Remember, if you are the victim of your spouse's abuse, you can't be blamed for the consequences of divorce. It's all your spouse's fault. "She's not a single parent. She's a voluntarily separated parent with the support of the kids' father." YES! I am going …
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:46 PM
2

I know she can survive as a single mom. Most of our wives can survive without a partner. The problem for them is that being a single parent is very hard. Our wives think removing us from the home will make it easier because now she is the boss. Removing a partner does not necessarily make life easier. But most don't realize it until it's too late. It's called Experiential Learning and it sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:28 PM
1

I would not say that. She has met with the consequences of her decisions before (like being fired from an executive-level job), but sadly, she does not see the similarities.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:17 PM
11

My female cousin has predicted every one of my wife's moves since the divorce filing. It's both a blessing and a curse to know what's coming next. I feel disappointment more than anger towards my wife as she predictably moves through this process. It's sad that some one who I know is so intelligent can't understand what she is doing or causing.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:08 PM
4

I disagree. She will realize what her decisions have caused and understand her personal responsibility for the situation she created. Unfortunately, that will be after the damage is already done. A comforting false narrative will remain until it crashes under the weight of reality. It's only a matter of time. Will she realize it in the next month, in the next year, or in the next decade? Who knows, but it will happen. She won't tell you, but it will happen. Ask any therapist how they are treatin…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:05 PM
9

I read this and got sad. I have a good lawyer. I still hope she'll come back. I know I'm a fool.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 12:14 AM
2

It is until your wife justifies her decision to divorce you based on that reasoning. It may be the dumbest thing you've ever read in your entire life, but women believe it and use it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 05:03 PM
2

I hear you. When a marriage fails, both share responsibility for that failure. Maybe you have many feelings, but you should feel disappointed. She chose not to recognize her own responsibilities as a spouse. Instead, she shifted that blame to you. It demonstrates a profound lack of critical thinking, personal introspection, or maturity leading up to a monumental decision. Communication, like marriage, takes work.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 04:59 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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