I’ve been posting a lot recently because I just don’t understand this. I don’t understand how a wife of almost 20 years internalizes her unhappiness, does not communicate openly how she is unhappy and spends months treating you with contempt before telling you she’s done.

How does she openly tell her friends, a lot of them being divorced, about her unhappiness but does not tell the one person that it effects the most?

How are they so resolute when they drop the bomb on you and no matter what you say or try to get them to reconcile it all falls on deaf ears?

How can almost half your life together get tossed aside like you never mattered? How is one person that much more emotionally invested that they spend months in emotional turmoil, pain, sadness, depression and the other moves on with ease and continues on living their best life.

My daughter told me last night her Mom is going out of town for the night with her sisters and party it up. I couldn’t imagine doing that right now. It’s been just over 2 months and I spend my nights watching baseball.

Even though I’m over her because of how she treated me and who she’s become, I’m not over the loss of my perceived life. All we did together, the life we built together, the kids we had and continue to raise, the trips, the laughs, our once intact family, all minimized so she can focus on her happiness.

Why am I focused on the positives, the commitment I made to her to be there in the good times and the bad? How can she only focus on negatives and reduce our marriage to “we have some good memories”?

How does a marriage turn into a business relationship where you have to now treat them as your adversary? The person you loved and cherished most is now your enemy to protect your finacial future. A future you worked and saved for to enjoy with them in your golden years.

I just don’t understand the world anymore. I hate all of this. I hate that someday I will want to have another person in my life and I will have to ask them what’s your favorite color, where were you born, why did your marriage end, how many brothers and sisters do you have. All the things I have to learn about somebody new when I had the person I thought I knew everything about.

But I didn’t, she turned into a selfish, self centered creature that threw away a 22 year relationship because she changed.

I didn’t change, I didn’t turn it off, I didn’t turn against her and I’m left a wrecked man having to rebuild.

I loved being married. The sense of security, my life partner, a lover, a friend, a confidant. That same woman I have to now swap financial statements and documents with so our lawyers can minimize our marriage to an equitable distribution.

I hate social media and the armchair psychiatrists, the gaggle of friends that empower these decisions to only focus on you, your happiness is what matters, you got this girl you’ll be fine, he’s a narcissist and you deserve better, you deserve your best life.

What about our collective happiness, the happiness of a family that has been sacrificed? Why does one love unconditionally and the other only on their terms?

A lot of questions I’ll never get answers to, but these are my stumbling blocks to moving forward and letting go.

My role as husband has been extinguished, a role I was proud of. My stbxw turned that off with utter disdain and without regard. I will never understand it.