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Thebadmamajama Archive

View 0 posts and 165 comments by Thebadmamajama on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
35

Yes. It turns out, if you set your own boundaries and refuse to be bullied you're a malignant narcissist. /s The key differences are intent and impact. If someone sets a boundary with the intent of maintaining self-respect while still respecting the other person, that is healthy. If someone uses boundaries as a way to punish, isolate, or control their partner, that is manipulative. If someone engages in conflict with the goal of resolving issues fairly, that is healthy. If they argue to win, dem…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 06:39 AM
3

Two things. You're opening calling them beautiful which sounds like a complement but puts them on guard. Rule 1: treat them like you treat a guy friend... You can do complements after you convince them you're safe. Second, to build rapport you need to (a) get them to talk more about themselves and show more empathy (physics sounds hard, late nights studying?). and maybe some humor in reaction (me studying physics would be a disaster.. insert self deprecating statement here) Your typical conversa…
/r/seduction30/01/26 02:02 PM
1

If you have a funny lead in and use it as an excuse to say "I need to see those up close!", I think it's a good and friendly way to connect while being flirtatious.
/r/seduction27/01/26 04:52 AM
2

If you like being in crowds, then it's inherently fun. If you don't like crowds, there's zero chance you're going to have a fun no matter how hard you try.
/r/seduction25/01/26 12:29 AM
1

This will sound counterintuitive, but go focus on being a great human. Being in great physical shape requires you to do basic exercise many times a week... Go take on some hobbies (learn an instrument, learn to cook, camp, archery.... Etc etc etc). Go do things that are pro social, so you're always practicing interacting with others. All of this will naturally boost confidence (promise ). Whatever people say, ladies love confidence and a guy who demonstrates competence. If you are desperate, anx…
/r/seduction23/01/26 04:41 AM
11

I've learned that couples therapy is an outlet for people who a lot conflict averse. Unable to engage in normal discussion and they need a broker. In the hands of someone who sincerely wants to improve a relationship, it can be highly constructive to help both parties see where they have blindspots and how they can better engage and support each other In the hands of the immature or insincere, it's simply an outlet to validate their beliefs/: be that to shame, demean and simply waste time to sco…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 06:25 AM
3

You aren't the villain. Th most important thing is to move on and give yourself the permission to be a great human in your own right. Sleep, eat well, workout relentlessly, and pursue hobbies that make you happy ... In turn you'll be a good role model for your son.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 05:05 PM
4

Once bitten, twice shy.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 02:55 PM
2

There's nothing easy about this. That's about the best initial response you can get. From here, if you are the steady one, they'll remember that for the rest of their lives.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 06:55 PM
1

The rough joke is we all married the same woman. My ex has kept zero friends/acquaintances over the years, always something wrong with everyone else. Ritually demeaned and insulted everything I did. I pull back, don't find her attractive any longer, and the rest writes itself. I'm not saying divorce is an easy thing to do. But coming out the other side? I love my peace.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 06:33 AM
7

not your problem she a hoe. move on, stay above that shit, and focus on being you and a great dad
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 03:52 AM
18

my dad, when I was young, said it best. women are trouble at your age... at my age, they are a lot of trouble. enjoy your peace
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 02:52 PM
4

lost track of it in the chaotic exchange of personal items. could care less where it ended up.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 11:12 PM
2

yes, gaining consistency is important!
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/25 04:38 AM
10

this is to say, you need to play the long game. if you don't get Xmas one year, you make the very best of the time you get even if it's a few days off. 10, 15, 20 years from now none of our kids will remember it wasn't on the right day... even the gifts won't be remembered but they'll remember if they had a good time with you, and the joy/love. "the battle" is for you to be seen as a positive force in your kid's life, and you adapt to the cards you can play. fighting over these short term things…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/25 10:11 PM
6

just go blue pill man. chances are it's mostly mental, but it's not a bad thing it it gives you confidence.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/25 08:35 PM
2

I went on a trip and invited some friends. the following year I just planned to hang out with friends and do things for me, didn't officially celebrate. just invest time in you and don't look back
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 12:55 PM
1

thanks for the clarification. totally agree that calling someone a narcissist is often overused. my only caution is that even referring to narcissistic traits can become a kind of soft diagnosis when used broadly, especially in emotionally charged situations like infidelity. sometimes people cheat out of insecurity or avoidance: not necessarily entitlement or grandiosity. describing the behavior directly, like you said (selfish, dishonest, avoidant), might keep the focus clearer.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/25 10:28 PM
8

I worry this is an overextension of the narcissism label. while cheating has harmful behaviors like lying or gaslighting, those actions don’t automatically indicate narcissism. not every betrayal is rooted in a personality disorde.. sometimes it’s immaturity, fear, or just poor judgment. I think social media is overusing clinical terms, and we all risk bluring real understanding and turning complex situations into one-note diagnoses.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/25 05:34 PM
12

on social media, it's common to label exes as narcissists, but many of the cited behaviors like setting boundaries or avoiding arguments can be signs of emotional maturity, not manipulation. this oversimplifies complex dynamics and labels healthy self-protection as toxic traits. true narcissism is a consistent pattern of exploitation and lack of empathy. in my experience this is rare. most relationship breakdowns stem from miscommunication, stress or mismatched needs, not personality disorders. …
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/25 05:13 PM
1

i appreciate your thoughtful and informed perspective. you're absolutely right that trauma responses, especially at the amygdala level, happen faster than conscious thought. stoicism, like cbt (which it inspired), doesn't deny that. it doesn’t blame the body for doing what it was shaped to do. what it does offer is a path for what comes after: not in the 50ms of reaction, but in the seconds, hours, or even years that follow, where interpretation, reflection, and eventually healing can begin. sto…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 02:46 AM
1

pain is real, but suffering is shaped by judgment... stoicism, and the therapy it inspired, cbt, both teach that while we can't control what happens to us, we can learn to shape how we interpret it. healing begins with reclaiming that space between event and response. first reactions aren’t our fault: second responses are our work trauma hits fast, before thought. stoicism never denies that. like cbt, it focuses on what comes after: building awareness, reflection, and resilience in the moments t…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/25 10:26 AM
8

if something has an effect over you, it's not that thing creating the effect. it's your assessment of it. and this you can change at any time.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 05:31 AM
11

not a day. i'm free now.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 03:52 AM
3

it's a microcosm. it's a fantastic thing they are self selecting and not likely to date you if you're a father. you're saving yourself from interacting with closed minded, malicious humans.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 06:54 PM
10

this is the right advice. it's critical you spend time finding the things that bring you joy, things you might have foregone or have not bothered with during such a long relationship. for me once I started traveling, I became more social and started to be less skeptical about relationships
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 02:50 AM
6

as the legendary snoop dog once said: "bitc#3s ain't sh1t but h0es and tricks."
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/25 10:57 PM
1

yeah this is just about patience. sounds like you have no trouble meeting ladies. just need to find a good pool to swim in
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/25 06:48 AM
1

keep your standards man. I think there's a socal element to this. I can't say the Bay area is better, the ratio of women to men is crap. lots of tattoos but a little more balanced I'd just stay away from crazy at this point, and be open to finding a good human.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/25 05:33 AM
15

thanks for sharing your story. the unfortunate reality is most dads who are told to fight things in the courts... especially against a woman who is willing to go scorched earth.. will lose. the system is designed to protect kids from a provider who suddenly abandons the mom, and society assumes the mom is the naturally best parent to favor. the courts won't admit this. but the data doesn't lie. the success rate for a dad burning cash in courts is very low. where you got to - it's the best strate…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 03:09 PM
2

it does work out. the faster we all embrace that things will change, and to go with it, you find another gear and you go become a better more happy human. if you fight change, dwell in the past and don't move on, you can be pretty miserable
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 02:12 AM
5

the first night I lived on my own in the place my kids grew up in, I had a feeling I hadn't felt in years: calm. there was no one around me to criticize, demean or belittle me. it took a year to get out of my shell if I'm honest. learning to enjoy the things I used to enjoy, discovering new things that brought me joy. had to give myself permission to invest in myself. don't let anyone tell you those years weren't abusive. there's loads of us and we basically married the same type. be patient wit…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 12:23 PM
3

you need to adjust to how this will all go. it's all a transaction, and the desire for low conflict. don't take these things personally. acknowledge the list and let's them do their thing. you're long term mental health will benefit tremendously from this
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 12:40 PM
8

you're stronger than you know. it's worth talking to a therapist or a close friend (recognize they only have so much bandwidth for you venting too). journalling helps. get a blank journal, keep it locked away some place, first thing in the morning, just write two pages of stream of consciousness... after a few weeks I came to accept what was happening. focus on the job... you want to keep other things in your life stable.. (work, health, exercise, friends, etc). she doesn't get to dictate those …
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 03:44 AM
2

you have to learn to let things go. the best thing is to show others this shit doesn't phase you. focus on you and things that make you a better human
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 02:16 AM
6

first thing is to surround yourself with people you can trust. I personally didn't dump on my friends, because it becomes a drag on their lives. close family members or one good friend with their consent to vent your thoughts might be ok. another technique, start a journal. just write down a few sentences of what's going on in your mind. work your way up to writing two or three pages. get it all down and start sorting through your thoughts. you can shred or burn the journal later. this was great…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 05:52 AM
11

the trick is how you use your time when you don't have your kids. I had to change my mindset that I use that time to be a better me. one of the easiest things any of us can do is exercise. you don't event need equipment... calisthenics... pushups, squats, sit-ups, etc... plenty of YT videos that can give you a routine. walking/hiking... requires no money. start with getting yourself in shape... just pour your energy into that. you'll feel great if you work out every day. and after that, pick som…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 04:42 AM
3

the answer is you won't find a lesson in what ends. theres nothing productive there. you find lessons on what you become next. be the best human for you, for your kids - invest in yourself unapologetically.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 01:21 PM
16

there's an archetype, which to me is just the "mean girl" or bully who got older. we got love bombed into marrying them. then discovered they are a bottomless pit of needs and conflict. in all this, there's no accountability. they've been told there's nothing wrong with them, and they are already great. they have to maintain that facade for their social circle. we don't get that pressure. so we are more free to become the best version of ourselves (or free to spiral down, that's a choice).
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 03:34 PM
7

lawyer told me less than 10% of divorces eggs in mediation, at least in his experience. generally what they won't tell you is to pick your battles. they will happily collect fees for anything and everything. best thing is to take some losses and avoid massive bills fighting for someone the court isn't going to give you
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 06:04 PM
1

This is the tragedy. The hope is by passing along the advice, a few souls can live better lives.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 06:03 PM
5

Ask yourself if there's any warning signs. Are you with someone who's conscientious, and ok talking through conflict? Or do they subtly dismiss your needs, avoid conflict or even bully people. Look at how they treat others... Friends, family, coworkers. Whatever happens you need to be ready for them to be at their worst everyday for a long time, and confident there's a two way street if you need to resolve problems. If you have any question marks above, stay a couple, don't get married.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 02:58 PM
8

Depends on your jurisdiction. For example, in CA, the law has a guidance if it's a short term vs long term marriage. Short term is half of the marriage duration from the high income earner. Long term there's no guidance (which is sometimes interpreted as forever, but that's not the case, it's just a negotiation) If you have capital, you do a buy out over some period of time (e.g. ten years) with the discounted time value of money (i.e. if they invested that lump sum, they'd get compound returns …
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 04:25 AM
0

All of it sucks. Judicial system is not designed to be fair to you, it's only about the kids. Anyone giving you the advice to fight hasn't gone through this. There's no benefit to exposing cheating, starting petty fights, and driving up legal bills. The only thing that matters is what custody you start with. And if you don't get what you want, you take what you can get, and make it the best possible experience for the kids The BS fights with the Ex aren't worth it in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 03:25 PM
22

There's a lot of social pressure on women for breaking up a marriage. So the instinct is to make things miserable for you, to bait for the worst behavior. Then they can turn to everyone around them and say "see, look at what I had to deal with, he's a terrible person.". Don't take the bait. It sucks, but you need to be like Teflon. You can control how you react to their BS, even though you can't stop it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 02:59 AM
15

There's a whole quack psychology movement on the web/ socials that overuses the label of narcissism. My take is spouses that can't engage in healthy conflict resolution or otherwise want a way to frame their relationship as unsalvageable get drawn into this crowd. And the people spouting it will validate anything they say "yes, that's narcissistic". Like a tarot card reader telling your future. The key difference is intent and impact. If someone sets a boundary with the intent of maintaining sel…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/25 03:11 PM
4

There's a formula in California they follow if you're a lower income earner. Dissomaster, not sure if I'm spelling it right. Go for it. Get that first. You could probably ask for it for the rest of your life. You can also settle with a buyout, so you can get more assets so they can avoid future obligations
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 02:59 AM
3

You'll look back on this moment in the future and glad it happened. Focus on investing in you. It'll take a year just to get used to being alone, and use the time to rediscover what makes you happy.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 03:24 AM
2

I did not.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 05:28 AM
1

Get a lawyer. My understanding in CA is if you're married for less than 10 years, the rule of thumb is spousal support for half of the time based on some formula/standard of living. If greater than 10 years, the law has no opinion on the duration (this is often confused as lifetime, but that's not the case). I'm midway though this process, and my understanding is you can establish the duration in negotiating, and then offer a buy out (less the time value of money). Again, get a lawyer who knows …
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 04:44 PM
2

Totally get this feeling. Learning to enjoy the freedom and resisting the hovering voice that would criticize every move
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 03:04 AM
3

There's many of us out there, if that's any comfort Embrace rediscovering yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 07:25 PM
18

I don't miss the daily criticism and belittlement. I stopped being me in an effort to accommodate someone who couldn't be made happy.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 01:58 PM
5

I'll post this again as someone asked a similar question not long ago A mentor asked if I had ever visited a waterfall. I said yes (Niagara falls). Then he said, do you know the waterfall you visited doesn't exist any more? The water you saw left seconds later. The sediment underneath has long since eroded. The marine life is all different. Every aspect of our lives is like this. This was important for me to hear. Any notion of what was before long since passed. The best thing for any one of us …
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 02:34 AM
9

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I feel like online dating self selects for people who have trouble meeting and connecting with other people.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 05:46 AM
7

I tend to stay away from pseudo psychology terms. But I know a bully when I see one. And I don't have any tolerance for a woman who's a bully.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 02:59 PM
8

I look at it this way. If you were sentenced to life, what would you pay for your freedom? Then I look at the large number and say "yup, it's worth it"
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 01:07 PM
5

I lot of us in same boat. If the same you stopped investing in yourself to make the relationship work. But you were married to someone who was never satisfied with (anything in) their life. So you became a shell. What do you do? 1). Move on. Don't give the negative brain more energy than is necessary to move on. 2). Make a list of 25 things you can do for you, could just be random things you've never tried or things you enjoyed when you were younger. Go try those and see what sticks as a hobby. …
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 09:09 PM
2

Focus on hobbies, socializing exercise and work. That said, occasional use of porn isn't an anti pattern. It's a problem if it's a daily (or more frequent habit), and essential for being aroused.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 04:25 PM
3

When I first started living alone, I turned in for the night, and realized how peaceful it was. It caught me of guard, and I smiled. I didn't have her hanging over me anymore. I was free.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 04:44 AM
1

Lifting heavy things is a good thing for dudes. I try to do that one or twice a week, but can't say I'm super successful at it
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 01:29 PM
10

Great story. A few thoughts for you, from my own notes to myself: 1). You were in a relationship where there was no bottom to her needs. You hollowed yourself pouring everything in, getting little out, and not investing in yourself. 2). You're recovering. You're down 50 lbs and on track to being a fucking surgeon. Be proud of that shit. Go be the best you. Rediscover what the real you is. 3) move on. There's nothing good for you from what was in the past. The person your married stopped existing…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 06:45 AM
1

The best habit I developed was daily pushups and squats. I could only do 10 at a time. But I ramped up to 20. Then did that five times a day (takes a couple minutes each time). Suddenly that's 100 pushups a day. Did something similar with squats. I don't need the gym. I schedule it in, can do it pretty much wherever I am at the moment. Roll out of bed, pushups. Get hoke from work, pushups. Finish dinner, pushups. Do this daily, and just write down your total each day someplace. My arms, chest an…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 06:37 AM
4

The sooner you don't care, the better.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 06:57 AM
4

I didn't fall for that either. Love my kids, and see them biweekly, and about 35% of the year. I can't sustain my career otherwise, which unironically pays for their lifestyle. So what's right for you is different. Be a positive force in your kids lives, however often you have them
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 03:58 AM
8

Keep writing things out, it helps. The sooner you can accept that the person you married no longer exists, the faster you'll be able to move on. In reflection, I eventually realized how slul crushing my relationship with my ex was. I was just enduring relentless belittlement, devaluation and criticism to make sure my kids had a stable home. It's hard to reset, but it's honestly going to be for the better. Embrace moving on, and go be a better you.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 06:56 AM
6

Need rationale for why they were the victim.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 06:52 AM
26

Normalcy. See someone you remember, realize you have no emotional attachment. That's freedom.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 06:59 AM
2

Marcus Aurelius!
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 10:17 PM
10

"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones." I'm a believer of sorts, but this quote sits with me a lot. We are all tested in a sense. Tasked with using the life we've been…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 02:58 PM
19

It's very common for them to make drastic changes. My read is society judges people getting divorced poorly. Men compensate by either going into hermit mode and (ideally) productively reinventing themselves. Women need to show the world they were wronged and had to become "the person they were meant to be". Socially they can signal it needed to happen... To be fair, I've heard of some doing this productively. Unfortunately there are more extreme examples of this that I think the total transforma…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 05:01 AM
3

The mental shift for most of us is embracing reality, letting the past go, and moving on. You can pour a lot of energy into bitterness, anger and spite for all the "wrongs". But at 26, you have to think of the long game. You have decades ahead of you, and plenty of opportunity to pivot or rebuild with someone else. No point in lamenting about someone who "hates you". They weren't honest with themselves and with you. We're all flawed anyway. Embrace and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 07:47 AM
2

As snoop dogg once said... "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks."
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 05:05 PM
5

The usual wisdom is, these things only have an affect on you if you allow them to. Your assessment of something is in your control. That could be that it sucks and you deserved better. (You did). It could also be that this was the way to get your freedom.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/23 03:40 AM
3

You have the same tools of reason today to greet what waits for you tomorrow. Best of luck brother.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/23 03:28 PM
3

I did it for a few months. Keep your distance, sleep on a couch if you have to, don't do any negotiation in front of the kids. It's unpleasant but possible. The cautionary tale is ex falsely accusing you of abuse, so a court will force you out. I would get lawyer's advice on how to avoid that scenario.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/23 01:52 PM
17

I suspect there's a lot of repeat stories like this. My belief is women who are really bad at resolving conflicts (and building relationships as a result) love this pseudo science. It's a way for them to accept they never have to compromise in life, and their partner is simply a narcissist providing a different pov or sincerely looking out for their own needs. It's a win win the husband folds and they get everything that want, or the husband sets boundaries and they are called a narcissist. Grea…
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/23 10:36 PM
9

A few thoughts: 1) lose the idea you're a provider for her. It's a business arrangement now. 2) go invest in yourself, health, knowledge, activities, hobbies, socialize... 3) find purpose elsewhere. New chapter, go write it. 4) the person you married doesn't exist anymore. People change over their lives, and not always for the better. 5) don't view this as failure. Bouncing back to do something better is the best outcome.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/23 01:47 PM
3

Focus on your and your son. Your ex just is what they are. You don't have control over that. You just have control of how you act. So act like it doesn't matter, because in the grander scheme of things, it doesn't
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/23 11:21 AM
2

Generally if the marriage is in rough shape the wife uses therapy to vent not to fix things. They want a witness to hear them lean into you, and put you in a situation where you have to beg/apologize/etc. I would expect being put in that position, and you should just let her vent. If you want to try and save your marriage, be genuine in wanting to invest in the relationship. Realistically, be honest with yourself. If this person is not reasonable...think of how they treat family, friends, cowork…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 03:00 PM
1

After, unfortunately. CA biases towards 50/50 split
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/23 04:23 AM
3

CA, it matters how long you were married. Spousal support for a marriage 10yr or less is 50% of the marriage. But over 10 years, law has no opinion (it could be rest of life). In practice, payments are made based on income, so if you make less in the future z the court will grant an adjustment even if spouse hate it. (Child support will stay the same iirc). You can also negotiate a buy out for spousal support, and that's a big lum sum, but it can be reduced because of FVM/interest earning assets…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 09:33 PM
2

It happens to many of us. They come to regret it, but hopefully you can keep it as a negotiation between lawyers
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/23 07:06 AM
3

I didn't pay for consultations. You generally can't get legal advice (that's what you pay for), but you can share your circumstances, ask them questions about their approach, and say you're looking for the right fit. If you have access to legal insurance through your work, that's a helpful resource, as they have a network of lawyers to reach out to.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/23 03:38 AM
5

I found consultations helpful, and ask about their style and experience representing men. I think I'd optimize for track record and if you can work well with them vs gender
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/23 03:24 AM
8

I think society shames women who are fundamentally bullies and sociopaths to get married. And when they try it out, hate it, they leave with wealth and a support network via their kids. Their anger is directed at their ex, but the deeper reason is they were compelled by society to make a life decision they were never cut out to do
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/23 12:45 AM
2

Two. Seeking 70/30
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/23 06:42 PM
2

Guideline supoin CA is having me pay about 48% of post-tad in child and spousal support. I'm told that once an agreement is settled, it tends to be lower.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/23 01:22 PM
6

Freedom is a wonderful thing. Go rebuild brother: you deserve it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 01:49 AM
2

Good seek your freedom man. Be a good human, whatever you choose to do. Let go.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/23 03:58 AM
2

It really depends on the type of person on the other side. My advice is you want to get the basics settled, even in a temporary order: custody and sharing schedule with kids, support payments, how you'll communicate. After those things are in place, you have a tiny bit more freedom. If you do things that piss them off before those things are in place, bad mojo. A general rule for future relationships is work on yourself first, and don't take on any serious new relationship within a year.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 12:43 PM
4

I'm still formulating one. But I know this: 1). Don't take the bait. They want you to jump at their whim. 2). Rebuild you. Become confident in what you are about. 3). Go be an interesting person, a person others want to be around (including your kids) 4). Don't take shit about your ex to anyone, especially your kids 5). Be the best you for your kids, even when they don't want you, because one day they might.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/23 05:25 AM
3

We all know them. They are clones of each other
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/23 03:50 AM
2

There's no bottom with them. So don't feed the beast.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 11:57 PM
6

What you learn about this is many of us basically married the same person. I'm not sure how to explain it, but they are bullies. Some sort of toxic insecurity is beneath all this.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 11:52 PM
25

A number of women we've married don't know how to handle conflict and think poorly of people around them. My STBXW, when we first married, I was great. But everyone else around us, she had something judgemental to say about them. And she'd treat people as disposable, ending friendships, coworker relationships, neighbors for the littlest thing. Eventually that would be directed at me. With a spouse like this, it's a different story. They can't walk away if you want to make progress on anything. S…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 04:49 PM
1

It's a no fault state, and recordings without consent are illegal... unless violence is involved, then the court may allow it side you're protecting yourself. Consult a lawyer. I don't think this recording helps you in any way re law and divorce outcomes.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 01:08 AM
2

You're right to reach out. What's important is to pour your energy into those things that are positive in your life. If you keep focused on those, and be a positive force with the in return, you emerge stronger and a better person.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 03:25 AM
6

There's a long game in your life. You got off easy, and you have a chance to build a positive path forward.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 03:03 AM
2

Proportional to income is an option
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 05:50 AM
2

Only other advice I can offer is to start building purpose and identify around things that are not your kids and this past.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 01:32 PM
1

It depends on the frequency of loses vs income. If there's consistent income, then a judge might say you're supplementing because you have a skill. However, if you maintain records of material losses, you can say it's not reliable, and it's truly a hobby. If it's really frequent, then it might help it's with a particular organization or platform, to show you have boundaries. Otherwise you risk getting labeled reckless.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 03:02 PM
5

This is the way of the world. Toxic friends who feel lonely making a decision on their own, then encourage their friends to follow along (come on in, the water's warm!). They can regret life decisions later, but the damage is done. The only defense is to move on, and not let it affect you long term as you become your own person again. If they made the decision for shitty a reason, you can't change that. But you can choose to have pity for them, and focus on being the best you with our them.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 08:11 PM
16

This is about control. It's a rather heartless thing to do. I don't know what my ex will do when my parents pass, but I wouldn't put it past her to withhold access just to fuck with me. But on that day, I'm not going to take the bait. Don't take the bait: she wants you to be mad. Your best approach is to let that wave wash on you like it's nothing and just remind her it's bad karma. The fact you're thinking about all this means you're a good person. Look out for your folks, and be there for them…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/23 04:29 AM
7

I spent years believing I could weather it, for the sake of the kids, and that things would somehow improve. It was masking the fact that my mental and physical health was deteriorating. At the end of the rainbow, my kids wouldn't have had a father (let alone one they'd want to be with). Make a plan, get legal advice, and ask yourself what you want the rest of your days to be like.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 01:38 PM
23

I could have written your post word for word. It sounds like a lot of us find ourselves divorcing the same archetype. I'll never fully understand it, but I got this perspective. On a certain level, the failure for a couple to be honest with themselves is the root of this. My STBXW fundamentally decided she was pressured into getting married by family, combined with deep insecurities, pulls the rip cord on everything in her life: she wasn't honest with herself. For me, I knew she was prone to wal…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/23 01:32 PM
3

This was basically my experience. Any time I had any issues where I was ill, weak, against the ropes... I was "playing the victim". And she would keep me away from helping her with her illnesses... because if I was able to help, that made me a good person, and that would be against her narrative.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/23 04:47 AM
5

when they wish death upon you, there's zero hope. It's good to move on from that when most convenient
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 04:17 AM
2

Right, good ideas if we plan on being around, a father is important in later life stages too. So when they are ready, you need to be open / ready to receive them. All the best brother
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 03:14 AM
3

This is the best advice. Would also add that you need to show that you'll always be approachable for the future. So repeat that you love them, and when they are ready, you can talk/answer questions
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 07:56 PM
6

Mine was having indifference to a medical emergency.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 05:39 PM
2

This doesn't track with the men I know who faired well. They are definitely social, and find a lot of fulfillment. Some find some sort of life partner with enough time. But they don't need a marriage. Society through twisted social norms and the legal system have made getting married a terrible idea.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 03:53 PM
3

You are facing facts that what's completely new is being a single dad. So not surprising to have moments raising your kid where you realize you're doing it alone, and you remember your wife used to be there for them. For these moments, strongly encourage you to embrace it... fuck yeah it's you, and you'll do a good job being there for your kid. Focus on those moments, and acknowledge there's a lot of history around your family. For your quiet moments, I've had to embrace the idea that it isn't s…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 01:15 AM
1

Letting one of them fall asleep in your bed, then transfer them. I'd go bunk bed, let the child who goes to sleep latest take the top bunk. Easier for you to transfer later. Over time they will get used to being together. But it needs coaching and monitoring that you need help keeping schedules consistent That's off the top of my head
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/23 10:28 PM
3

Pursue your freedom. When things get to this state, women have thought about divorce far longer than you. You can find lots of advice on this sub, but mostly it's start focusing on how to take care of you. Exercise, get therapy, learn new things, contect with friends, rediscover what makes you happy. Don't let her pull you down by pursuing those things. Other people like to be around someone who's happy and got their stuff in order. In time, you'll be ready for female companionship again.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/23 06:17 AM
2

You are no fool. Wronged for sure. Lots of good advice in this sub, so I'll only add that you have every right to be a great you. Get your freedom and work on you.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/23 03:33 AM
4

Your mental health is worth something. That said, there are cases where waiting is helpful. For example, if kids are involved, it's easier to explain things when they are older. If there's no kids, you live in a community property state, so if you want to be strategic, commingled assets are split 50/50 by default.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/23 03:08 AM
2

While I appreciate the idea of keeping things cordial, I don't think you should volunteer this. I assume you're getting a lawyer. Repeat you want thing to be smooth, amicable, and you want to hear more, but it depends on how things go. I'd leave this to later stage negotiations, and if things look like their are cordial, then you can offer it as a give. If she received the prenup in advance and sat on it, then it's really not your problem. If she got it two days before the wedding, your lawyer m…
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/23 03:06 AM
3

California is a community property state. So I think that means joint assets at the time the marriage ended are general viewed as 50/50. Your husband may have a claim to assets earned before then, but you need a lawyer to advise you. I think it's true that rsu earned and stock gains earned during the marriage are joint property. But the cost basis stock prior to the marriage might be claimed to be his. Family home is joint property for sure. You also weren't married for long, but there's some cl…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/23 01:03 PM
3

It really depends on what state you're in. In California they bias towards 50/50 unless there's a risk or significant inconvenience to the children. Lawyer in your state will know what's the probability of clawing back. Whatever you do, don't retaliate in pety ways. Your best opportunity is to invest in yourself, do great mentally, physically and emotionally, so when you have your kids you're a fun, warm, great dad to be around. Your ex can talk trash about you all they want, but none of that sq…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/23 03:43 AM
1

Someone shared this book in another post: When I say no, I feel guilty https://g.co/kgs/3uYKw3 It's old enough you could probably find it at a library too. I'm only part way through, but a lot of it resonates. From another brother who was married 20 years to a verbally abusive ex, and accommodated everything, you're not alone, and there are ways to find and bring joy back into your life (and set boundaries). This is a summary of the book courtesy of our favorite artificial intelligence.... "When…
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 04:10 AM
7

Therapists outright encourage their clients to divorce. It's an easier path, versus trying to coach on how to repair relationships
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 02:25 AM
11

These words are out of my own brain. 6 on a good day, but the average sex was a 3. I thought I was developing ED, but it was just me slowly realizing I was unattracted to mean.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 01:46 AM
42

The greatest freedom I found was connecting how poorly I was treated by my ex to her becoming unattractive to me. From there I stopped missing any intimacy with her, because I was perpetuating something that was harmful to me. You'll get there. But letting go is critical in life. Pitch a sail, and go with the wind
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/23 03:00 PM
1

Fascinating
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 05:59 PM
1

I'm no expert but here's a few things I've said in the opening months of divorce... Generally... Adults can stop loving each other the same way friends stop wanting to be friends. That doesn't mean they stop loving their kids... you'll always love your daughter, and nothing will change that. So it's just a decision adults sometimes make because we'll be happier. We will still be there for you, care for you and spend our time with you. (Time sharing). Showing them it's fairly common... I also loo…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 05:18 AM
2

A common theme is women who need a reason to blame you singularly. There's a lot of social pressure on women when it comes to marriage and family. So any one who's insecure about themselves will immediately blame someone else or some other circumstance for their behavior. It's easier to explain... "It wasn't me, it was mental illness. It wasn't me, he never thought of my needs. It wasn't me... Etc etc". What I think with divorce is two people who fundamentally aren't honest with themselves. Eith…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/23 06:31 PM
2

This is my understanding too. If you are being threatened with violence or experiencing it, there's an exception. But a judge will have to decide if it's allowed. Always consult a lawyer
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/23 05:18 AM
5

It's really helpful to hear stories like this. Very happy for you brother. I hope I can say the same in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/23 03:43 PM
6

You say you allowed yourself to be treated badly. I thought of it this way: was there a bottom to the things she demanded of you? To the mistreatment? I remember hearing about spouses in domestic abuse situations saying things like "he wouldn't have hit me if I didn't make him so mad". So then I asked myself.. . If you didn't "make her so mad", do you think she would have mistreated you less? I feared the answer. You don't deserve abuse. You are right to enjoy companionship and joy with a other …
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 08:05 AM
1

This is the right advice
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/23 08:17 PM
1

Venting is indeed helpful, keep finding outlets for that. I think there's all the stages of grief in this. The old model ends with acceptance, which is where you are. But I read there's a proposed other last phase: meaning. You need to pivot and finding meaning and purpose. You can't just be you old self, which is actually all there. It's really important to pour your time into things that enrich you and bring you joy. Easy to say, but also hard in my experience. You'll be tempted to stick to yo…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 04:30 AM
3

I'd have a chat with your family. It seems reasonable that your kids should see extended family. That said, if you ex is causing more issues, you need to explain to your family they may be rewarding bad behavior
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/23 03:49 AM
9

I did use public reviews, but asked for a consultation call did assess fit. Basically, a free consultation helps you get a feel if you can work with them and they'll be aligned with your goals. I didn't want to go the litigation route, and screened out several lawyers who were primarily interested in going to court, and I quickly eliminated anyone fear mongering me. Found someone who was tough but settled 90% of their cases out of court.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/23 12:30 AM
3

I think you need a legal opinion on what the pros/cons are of doing it one way or another. In any case you should think about affordability in the long term. If it's finite (ends some years from now), it could be beneficial to not have to go to court all the time. However, as you say, if you're unable to work at some point, you need to know what your options might be.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/23 12:05 AM
1

Good advice in the sub. The kids get less time with you, but also less time with mom. So it works both ways. What's important is you're the best dad you can be when you have them. It's about quality not quantity anymore. Use the extra time you have solo to enrich yourself. If your healthy and happy that's good for your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/23 03:45 AM
2

It's appropriate you find humor in that outcome. Be strong brother.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/23 04:41 AM
2

There's a lot of good advice in this sub, which boils down to working your way through acceptance and a path forward for you and your kids. If you want a mental model for letting go, I recommend listening to this. https://youtu.be/yo9qvgXMJRA There is a special kind of intelligence in aligning ourselves with the natural flow of life, instead of constantly struggling against it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/23 04:39 AM
2

Making an appearance, and having control over your time / exposure (i.e. leave after she's had you there to experience the key momentsknis the right thing imo.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/23 04:37 PM
26

When you think about it, the system has incentives for people to get married, but significant penalties for getting divorced for whomever earns more. So the logical conclusion is people should not get married.(prenups just set the tone for mistrust, so not viable imo) .. Or only get married to someone who makes as much as you... No more, no less. It's not a wonder marriage rates are down decade over decade.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/23 04:35 PM
2

Likewise. I remain positive. The ability to be free of her constant anger and demeaning criticism is something I'm greatly looking forward to.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 12:51 AM
2

You're experience sounds virtually identical to mine. I can only say that you deserve someone better best of luck brother
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/23 07:08 PM
3

So, you set boundaries, still supported her doing it, and somehow you're a bad partner. It's really amazing how familiar all these stories are. Is it about the desire to control someone, and not being able to do it?
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/23 06:24 PM
6

Right. Mine is having to cater to all my "needs". Basically, anything where I set a boundary was an attack. And the long list of things I constantly accommodated were conveniently forgotten.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/23 05:00 AM
22

A lot of humans have trouble with conflict.as we grow we learn to manage conflict better and become more chill, wiser, broker the piece, break up the fight, reconcile. A common theme is the spouse who can't handle conflict and never grows to know how to accept when things get hard, and be ready to make it better. It's easier to avoid conflict, and abandon it, because everything and everyone is disposable. I don't want to say men are more likely to figure out conflict management better, but this …
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/23 08:26 PM
2

This seems to be a common pattern. They start off saying they'll be low conflict. Then when you start with lawyers, they lose their shit.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 04:48 AM
3

That is for sharing your story. Its extremely helpful for the rest of us to hear it can be good on the other side. I wish you the best brother
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 04:01 AM
1

Happy for you brother. It's good to see someone embrace living life in the other side of all this. Wish you well.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/23 03:45 AM
2

Agree. The last thing is, accusations and shaming is the only tool that remains once you have your life in order. Ignore the noise, focus on you and your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/23 02:45 PM
1

This really sounds like me. I realized I became a shell of my former self because there was no bottom to what I could change/alter about myself to her satisfaction. And after a while, you just can't get excited about someone who's only responses to you are verbal abuse or belittling everything you do
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/23 10:14 PM
3

This is the right answer
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/23 09:40 AM
2

Glad to see you find some amount of peace. Congratulations!
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 11:29 PM
3

I would call her out on it, but in a civil way. At a minimum it's a safety thing for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 09:27 PM
8

A common theme to all this is women who need to have extreme control of the things around them. I think well adjusted humans know how give and take, understand how to navigate conflict where sometimes you win and lose, but on the balance you net out in a good place. I normal human would know that once divorced you'd probably need to find companionship. This strain of ex is a different type of person. They want to net out in a good place, but it's always about having control over those around the…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/23 11:37 PM
2

It's tough. I have a STBXW who made it easy ... her behavior simply stopped making her sexually attractive to me. So not engaging in sex with her has been more of an act of self preservation. I would look at it through that self preservation lens. There's no good that comes from you getting laid with someone you intend to separate. In many states the last time you had sex is a sign the relationship continued. There will be moments of weakness. But if you really need to end it, direct your sex dr…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/23 05:22 AM
1

It's hard to read this brother. What matters, in my mind, is did you do the right thing (and the best you could). The universe doesn't ask for anything else. I think you did the right thing.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 10:58 PM
2

As a human, I'd tell her to seek therapy, and support her at arms length. Anything more involved is asking for trouble imo.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 02:15 AM
17

Not sure if this helps, as I'm early in my journey, but I've had to condition myself to enjoying alone time. Getting perspective from others is a good step (incl a therapist fwiw)... The mental model of "oh she's living the Good Life(tm), not me" is a bad pattern for anyone to adopt. I suggest reading up on stoicism. Simply, it'll remind you that if something affects you, it's your opinion of that thing, not the thing itself. And you have 100% control of your opinions and how you react to things…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/23 03:13 PM
9

Monk mode. I'm writing that down!
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 03:22 AM
7

This resonates. When I reflect on the past, it's like living with a bully. Do something against their way, you get anger and verbal abuse. Do something their way, it's never good enough or you get belittlement. There's no peace. No win condition. I've had to turn inwards, stop being myself and exercising extreme stoicism.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/23 03:42 AM
3

So those other things sounds great to explore. Video games are meditative and in moderation playing is something we all do at any age. And get Ghost of Tsushima: you won't regret it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/23 10:07 AM
2

I know in some states an in house separation requires sleeping separately (to prove the relationship status). Hard to prove, but you could create a he said, she said situation and complicate your arrangement. Stay away
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/23 02:09 AM
4

I'm only at the beginning of this, but I have some advice I received that has helped me be somewhat resilient. In life, you will win AND lose. You obviously want to win a lot, but you have to accept the loses and mix them all together. Sometimes the loses are big. In the grand scheme of things, you hope you win more than you lose. But whatever you do... always have gratitude for the wins. Don't focus on the loses. Accept them, and embrace (more) wins.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 05:40 AM
6

This is good advice. Counseling can help you understand what the options are, and if you're both willing to do what it takes to pursue those options.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 03:55 AM
2

Relocating to a part of the world that has a low cost of living and health care is a common pattern. I've not done much research into this, but parts of Europe or South America (e.g. Panama) I've heard tossed around. Also, build the perspective of what kind of investment income you can amass. If you have a smaller nest egg, and have the ability to work to build that up, dividend producing assets can create an income stream for you. Combine the two ingredients, and it's the start of a retirement …
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 01:30 PM
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