Three years after divorce - alternative point

OkEmphasis5923 · 2026-07-24T18:56:25+00:00

You're getting a lot of hate for the "nobody cares" comment. While I disagree for people generally I can recognize that their might be people like you who have social circles that truly don't give a crap about each other.

The rest of your points are spot on!

Dapper-Expression791 · 2026-07-23T17:14:30+00:00

Most of this is just terrible advice. The fact that you say no one cares that you're going through a divorce indicates that people are returning the energy you've shown them when they've been in crisis. It's true that people are busy with their lives but come on. If they care about you, they're there for you. Not every minute, but enough to show you they're there. If they don't care about you, maybe you want to think about things they've gone through in the past years that you ignored.

Good idea to stay involved with your kids, so one point for you. The rest reflex self-absorption which is probably why the marriage failed in the first place.

Women go a certain number of years asking for changes. Then they stop asking and start focusing on their life without you and that's when the men say "the divorce came out of nowhere."

Proof_Cable_310 · 2026-07-23T02:49:21+00:00

First of all: reality check. None of this is good advice.

"It made me realize my ex wasn’t special at all..." I think this speaks volumes about you.

Also, I don't recommend helping your kids or grandkids with relationship advice. It's fair to say I can't help with that - "My relationship failed - don't take advice from me." Instead, how you can help is to advise them to seek a professional counselor, if they ask for help; otherwise, stay far away from giving relationship advice.

Taking advice from divorced people is like taking advice from people who are failing at life. The best advice you have to give is to illustrate what *not* to do. That's it.

One-Syllabub1866 · 2026-07-22T20:40:42+00:00

Thanks for sharing. My take on friends w.r.t. point 1 is that you will find out who your real ones are, and be surprised at how many aren't. But that's OK - they were never really friendships to begin with, more like "situationships". For example, a lot of my "friends" during the marriage were only there because we went to the same church, or our kids were the same age. Once that all ended, they disappeared fast.

willowtrees_r_us · 2026-07-22T05:01:05+00:00

Well said...very happy for you

Sea_Structure_2910 · 2026-07-21T23:31:30+00:00

First of all, sorry dude - both on the divorce, but also on the fact that you apparently didn't receive any real support. There's some good wisdom here, but I'd respectfully add another point of view on these:

I opened up (carefully, in calculated ways) to family, friends, and my managers, and I was rewarded for it. Not everybody is going to care, of course...and even those that do are limited in the ways they can actually help. After all, at the end of the day it's your battle and your life, and everybody has their own problems. But don't discount leaning on others for support, you don't have to bottle it all up. I don't regret any of it.
Date, yes, but take your time first and do the emotional work. Process the grief and the pain. There's no shortcut there, and down the road it's going to make a big difference.
All depends on what you want, but doing the real work in 2 is going to inform how (or if) you approach another relationship.
I can't comment here, no kids myself, this is just great advice.
Also solid advice, I'd just extend this to say "Enjoy your freedom." There's a lot of pain in divorce and it's often hard to see the bright side of things, but learning to enjoy your own company is a very important skill that is easy to lose sight of in a marriage. Eat at whatever restaurant you want. Decorate your place however you like. Take up a hobby you never could before.
Nice perspective. Find meaning in your life that doesn't depend on others. Give to those around you. Be content on your own.

waoz1 · 2026-07-21T22:46:39+00:00

I think people care during the divorce… as they love the drama. Once its over they are less interested i feel. Leave you alone

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-07-21T19:26:47+00:00

Add me to the list of people who have friends who absolutely do care. My inner circle was invested from the moment I told them, and have had my back ever since. Three different friends have offered for me to move in with them if I need a place to stay—and they meant it.

They’re not thinking about it daily the way I am (we’re still going through the divorce process, and there are lots of unknowns about the future), but I don’t expect them to. They do want me to update them any time there’s a change, and when I’m struggling I can go to them for support.

tl;dr If your friends don’t give a shit about your divorce, find better friends.

Pythia808 · 2026-07-21T17:14:34+00:00

Bro who are all these guys wiring up women with kids like seriously. If I’m a single man prowling I’m dating childless women.

Edit: meant wifing

tonyway7293 · 2026-07-21T17:11:55+00:00

I learned to be selfish. “I am the prize” mindset and not to care anymore about dating multiple women since they sure as hell are talking to multiple men.

“She’s not yours, it’s just your turn” mindset is really what I embrace now. Enjoy the moment…. While it lasts. Don’t ever get attached or vulnerable again. When it ends (and it will one way or another) don’t get upset or depressed since you never should allow yourself to get attached on a deep level. Just move on to the next one that you already have in your rotation.

Don’t ever let women be your purpose. Career, hobbies, friends, family etc should be your purpose!

And of course….. don’t ever get married again.

These modern day women are ruthless and rewarded for it. We need to be just as ruthless. You have to be a damn fool to survive divorce, experience their true intentions and then want to marry/live with one again.

ungoloit · 2026-07-21T16:50:54+00:00

I found that nobody cares, no one is going to rescue you and you are your best friend. Dating at 60 has always ended the same. Once I weed out the gold diggers, world travelers, pension seekers poor health issues etc it amounts to priorities. I'm always placed on the back burner ( as it should be?) anytime her grandkids get a snotty nose, her daughter stubs her toe, her son gets in trouble with the law, there seemingly is always a reason to get the dreaded 'dear John letter' Oh well, onward through the fog.

i80west · 2026-07-21T16:31:52+00:00

Some people want a condensed explanation so they can know what to think about you and your split up. But they don't want your details or venting. A couple summing-up sentences are all anybody I know wanted.

Any-Neat5158 · 2026-07-21T16:26:08+00:00

People do care. How MUCH they care depends on who it is and what their relationship is with you. Try not to gauge how much they care based upon how you would support someone else if the roles were reversed or what you expected from them in terms of a reaction or support.

Dating CAN be a good thing, but make sure your ready. Make sure you've worked on the things you know you need to work on. Make sure your happy being alone before you try to get back into the dating mix. Make sure you know what you want, communicate, set boundaries and if things aren't working out then kindly let that opportunity close.

Do not invest into the WRONG relationships. You know what you want and need out of life. Don't pursue someone who isn't that because you hope that you can mold them to what you'd want and need. Don't pursue someone who isn't reasonably close to what your looking for just because it's been than being alone in your mind.

Point number 4 I agree whole heartedly. Children out of a relationship / marriage are absolutely a blessing and really are the biggest treasure in life. Put them first. They didn't ask to be born, they didn't get to choose their parents or their household.

Eric_C_Productions · 2026-07-21T15:19:42+00:00

Here are some of my rebuttals to your alternative point.

People care. It all depends on how your relationship was with your family and friends. My ex wife isolated me from everyone in my family. She had a contentious relationship with my parents and my friends. Nobody liked her. They stayed out of my drama for the 20 years I was married to her. I lost touch with ALL of my friends and most of my family. When everyone heard I was getting a divorce, they all told me how they felt about her. They were all glad and relieved for me. It wasn’t about appearing weak. At this point in my life, I could care less what people think of me. Everyone was happy that I had gotten out of that toxic relationship. Even my own kids said congratulations to me when the divorce was final. That tells you a lot about my ex-wife. She burned her bridges with everyone including her own family.
and 3. I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone. I figured I would stay single and focus on my two sons who were graduating from high school by that time. I met someone two months after my separation and my move out. Turns out she was the exact opposite of my ex-wife. I have been with her ever since. She doesn’t want marriage and I don’t either. Perfect fit. She is only 2 years younger than me and has no kids
or 4 in this case. As for me and my kids' relationship, they are in college. One lives at home with their mom and my other son lives near the college. I am like you, I talk to them daily whether through text or a phone call. They have their own lives and gf. They don’t need their old man around telling them what to do.

I still share the same idea of life after divorce with you. Focus on your life and what makes you happy.

ShaunyP_OKC · 2026-07-21T15:11:14+00:00

I'm always amazed how many people focus on their kids in the aftermath. For those of us with no kids who went through this what's the advice then?

Ok-Reward-7731 · 2026-07-21T14:29:53+00:00

I have one friend and a brother (who's a psychiatrist) who I share with, and everyone gets a very cursory status update whenever they ask.

I did a bunch of dating 1-5 dates with 6-7 women over the first seven months after filing for divorce and it was really helpful. Getting dressed up. Getting out of the house. Getting my conversation skills sharp. Feeling desired. All helpful. And after about 7 months I ended up dating a woman who I'm still seeing.

100% agree on kids.

ask_yo_gurl_about_me · 2026-07-21T14:18:01+00:00

The best thing you can do is to understand you are the prize by adopting a growth mindset, accepting yourself and your value, and focusing on your kids and family if you have them.

Women and relationships in general will come to you when you stop putting them on a pedestal and showing the world you’re a confident, secure man. Good energy attracts good energy. Material things don’t mean anything. I had everything I dreamed of with my ex-wife and it didn’t mean a thing.

I disagree that people can’t grow together. Now is the time to focus on yourself and being the best father, family member, and friend that you can each and everyday. Manifest what you want and practice the mindset you want your reality to reflect. I promise your outlook will change for the better.

Wishing each of you all the best with whatever you’re going through. Focus on what you can control and find gratitude in what life is today.

Ok_Builder_3285 · 2026-07-21T13:28:00+00:00

I’m 5 years out and life is horrible. There all seem like good suggestions.

You’re right, nobody is I’ll ever understand.

Dating is impossible so as a product of that so is a new relationship. I know I have zero value and nobody wants puke The vet said ant to be with me.

My kids are still young so all I do is take care of them every day and work.

Solo travel is just as terrible and depressing. I can just go be alone and miserable somewhere else. I’ve done it but I won’t do it again.

The rest of my life is being a zombie. Work, drive kids, work, feed kids, work, put kids to bed, work, repeat.

Divorce is a death sentence.

rostoffario · 2026-07-21T12:45:43+00:00

My friends didn't say much after the 2nd week post separation. I really needed support but didn't want to reach out to them. My therapist told me to do it. Have the balls to be vulnerable, reach out to friends and let them know I was hurting. I did and they were amazing. They stuck with me throughout the really rough times. This helped me more than anything. So I would say Yes, reach out to your friends when you need support. It's important. They don't know how to react, but it you tell them you are hurting they will respond and help.

FUMoney · 2026-07-21T12:33:31+00:00

We've commented on number 1 many times. It's especially true for males.

Divorce in particular, and litigation in general, is a cold, impersonal process and, the truth is, the only people who care are the parties. If you are male, absolutely no one cares about your marriage, your relationships, or your divorce. Your friends generally don't care. Your family definitely does not care. And your in-laws? They will either now act as though you don't exist, or will be openly hostile.

This is not a reflection on you. This is not a reflection of your worth. It simply is. It is hardwired genetics, and people really do not care about male relationships, at all.

Embrace it. Be thankful people aren't sticking their nose into your shit. Be thankful you're not wasting hours per day on the phone bitching about this thing that happened, or that thing your ex did. Be so very thankful you're not going out to "lunch," really an excuse for a meaningless bitch session with zero-skill gossipers and losers. We're on our own. Period, end of story.

Notably, it is largely the same in the animal kingdom. Female members of a species congregate. Male species are often out on their own, or otherwise must leave the pack/pride and make their own way. From the great apes and the alpha silverbacks, to the young male bears who are chased away by their mothers after a year, to male wolves and lions who may be expelled from a pack, the males deal with the same exact shit, usually on their own. Uncanny how similar the experiences actually are throughout the animal kingdom.

PrapteePrudom20 · 2026-07-21T12:25:02+00:00

This is a solid list but I'd push back a bit on point 1. Some people genuinely do stop caring, sure, but plenty of us have friends who showed up exactly when it counted, the issue is usually who you're telling, not whether you tell anyone at all. Isolating through something this hard just because a few people were dismissive risks losing the support that actually helps you get through it faster

yourefunny · 2026-07-21T12:16:13+00:00

My best mate, while living on the other side of the world has been a godsend. Being able to call or video chat with him has really helped me over the last year since I separated. He does care reaches out all the time to check on me. My Dad has also been invaluable. So, while I am a couple of years behind you and in my 30s, so I cannot comment on the other points, I disagree wholeheartedly with your first point.

Skanky_the_Samurai · 2026-07-21T11:39:26+00:00

Realizing my STBXW wasn’t anything special at all was liberating. Fuck her.

Rumpelstiltskin98 · 2026-07-21T11:18:49+00:00

⁠”Date, date, date. The best thing I did for myself was to have multiple short term relationships. It made me realize my ex wasn’t special at all, and also people get attracted to each other and sick of each other very fast, within 3-4 months, so it’s no wonder that me and my ex got sick of each other after 20 years”

This is the part that I always try to open the eyes of many here to, your ex or stbx is not special, your new one isn’t either, stop pedastalising them by thinking “oh I’m so lucky to find this person” it’s purely scarcity mindset.

upvotersfortruth · 2026-07-21T08:44:30+00:00

2-6 agree. 1 - agree with respect to people from work, most family members, most friends. The rest care until they get burnt out from our sob stories and repeated weak moments. Therapists care in a professional sense, lawyers will act like they care if they're on hourly. An experienced divorce guy will stand by with advice. A really good friend can serve as an emotional dumping ground - but not for long.

Great list!

SanchoVilla69 · 2026-07-21T07:10:26+00:00

Number 4. My soon to be ex scarred them for life. My daughter doesnt even talk to her anymore. They thought it was my fault then they saw the real her. Yeah they talk to me just fine and my daughter lives with her.

Title	Three years after divorce - alternative point
Author	ww3historian
Upvotes	109
Comments	99
Date	July 21, 2026 6:47 AM UTC (5 days ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1v2anlu/three_years_after_divorce_alternative_point/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/three-years-after-divorce-alternative-point.1585526 https://theredarchive.com/post/1585526

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