Sea_Structure_2910 Archive

Upvotes	Title	Category	Author	Subreddit	Date (UTC)

Upvotes	Comment on	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
11	Three years after divorce - alternative point First of all, sorry dude - both on the divorce, but also on the fact that you apparently didn't receive any real support. There's some good wisdom here, but I'd respectfully add another point of view on these: I opened up (carefully, in calculated ways) to family, friends, and my managers, and I was rewarded for it. Not everybody is going to care, of course...and even those that do are limited in the ways they can actually help. After all, at the end of the day it's your battle and your life, an…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/07/26 11:31 PM
2	The "I checked out a long time ago" excuse I think it's often a result of poor communication, on one or both parties. Either the wife didn't bring things up, or she did and the husband didn't listen, or some combination of both (of course roles could be reversed too). One way or another, the aggrieved party feels unheard, unseen, and frustrated, and they give up. Looking at my own divorce, it felt like my wife was "suddenly" way more pissed off about our relationship than I ever could have known. And of course, I'm biased, and I wouldn't…	/r/Divorce_Men	19/06/26 08:18 PM
3	How do I deal with this rage Lots of good advice in here. All I'll add is this. Accept your anger. You have the right to be angry. It's an emotion we're all born with, one we all feel at times. Appropriate anger is not wrong, and what's happening to you is certainly reason enough to be angry. Don't beat yourself up for being angry. Allow it. But don't allow it to control you. Don't act out of anger. Feel it, understand it, and know that it can help you and protect you if channeled properly. And in time you'll learn to let i…	/r/Divorce_Men	03/06/26 05:02 AM
2	Did you initiate the divorce and are you happy now? I initiated after she revealed that she had no intention of treating me better, addressing her issues, or changing her ways. She was emotionally and verbally abusive. Am I happy? I don't know. We've been separated 2 years, coming up on a year of divorce. I'm happier now than I've been in 3 years. I'm not happier than I was 6 years ago when our marriage still felt strong. I have occasional doubts, but I honestly don't see it as having any other realistic choice. She was destroying my peace and my…	/r/Divorce_Men	26/05/26 06:47 PM
2	May I ask what led to your divorce? Just joining the ranks of those upvoting and voicing what an eerily similar experience I had. My personal counselor also suggested the cause as undiagnosed narcissistic traits. The cycle of projection and devaluation from someone I cared deeply for and trusted was so confusing and painful. I'm still struggling to contextualize it over a year and a half later after ending our 16 year partnership.	/r/Divorce_Men	04/05/26 05:12 PM
1	Are female couple counselors biased towards wives? We had a female counselor, I felt she was fair to both of us when starting out and she really listened to each of us individually before trying to bring things together. She sniffed out the fact that my ex wife was contradicting herself between sessions and treating me pretty unfairly and called her out on it. That went about as well as you'd expect, but at the time it was a huge relief and it was the only thing that brought some sanity and peace back to my mind because I knew I wasn't crazy. YM…	/r/Divorce_Men	26/04/26 06:34 PM
2	How long before unexpected waves of grief diminished for you? I'm sorry brother. They can be so cruel. I'm fortunate(?) enough to not have kids with her, so we're largely NC, so I'm a bit more insulated than you. Take care of yourself and your daughter. Protect your peace.	/r/Divorce_Men	12/04/26 06:19 AM
2	How long before unexpected waves of grief diminished for you? To be honest I'm still figuring that part out. Something I'm working through right now is real forgiveness towards her, which seems like it's helping a bit but it's a slow process. All the bad emotions from the end are so powerful and so recent compared to the good times, but I wanna let that crap go. It eats me up, and I just don't want that to be my story any more. We had a pretty great decade and a half together, and although I'll never forget how crappy the ending was, I think I can accept t…	/r/Divorce_Men	12/04/26 05:57 AM
11	I think I get it: she will never admit it. Shit dude, this is so relatable. But don't believe her lies. They aren't "living their best life." Yeah, there might be some new sucker they're taking advantage of now, but they have regrets. I watched my XW deal with this across many of her personal relationships, most of which she ended because she was incapable of reflecting, taking personal accountability, and working together to strengthen and rebuild her connections. To her, cutting someone off and walking away forever was just less painfu…	/r/Divorce_Men	08/04/26 07:08 PM
6	What petty things became your fault? Our dog whines when he needs to go outside. My fault. Dinner wasn't ready when she was hungry. My fault. I was doing the dishes too loudly for her to relax. My fault. She didn't like to travel alone, so if I was busy it was my fault she couldn't go do something fun. I had planned my yearly camping trip with my old buddy. She wanted me to stay home and work on the house. She came along, whined and complained, made us go home early as a "compromise", ruined the whole experience. You guessed, it my…	/r/Divorce_Men	03/04/26 07:42 PM
2	Them leaving is the best thing to ever happen to you 🙌 You've got a great attitude, thanks for posting. I'm coming out of the other side as well. It's been a tough journey, and it isn't over yet, but it taught me a lot and I don't want to take any of those lesson for granted. Life moves ever forward, and you never know what's in store tomorrow. Enjoy what you have today, appreciate what you had in the past, and build towards what you want in the future.	/r/Divorce_Men	17/03/26 01:46 AM
2	Them leaving is the best thing to ever happen to you 🙌 Hey man. You did what you had to do. You were strong, and you're still strong enough to face whatever comes next, don't forget that. Alimony can be bullshit. The court often doesn't consider what's fair. I got out of it, but I had to give up a massive lump sum out of my retirement. It really sucked. She had no claim on that money - we didn't have kids, she had a college degree and a good job, up until she decided she just didn't want to work anymore. The system doesn't give a shit. But there are…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/03/26 01:40 AM
2	Why rush back into a relationship? What is wrong with living single It's still a work in progress, but it's getting better all the time. My strategy was: Therapy, with the goal of processing my frustration and anger, and telling myself I was doing the work to move on instead of running from it. It was also nice to have one other weekly check in. Stay busy. Get back in the gym, refocus on hobbies, schedule meetups with friends, read, game, catchup on shows. Schedule time for ruminating and processing too, but get that out of the way and then focus on the rest of …	/r/Divorce_Men	16/03/26 04:29 PM
2	Why rush back into a relationship? What is wrong with living single Dang dude how do you have the time and patience for that lol. My max was three and that felt like a second full time job	/r/Divorce_Men	14/03/26 09:18 PM
3	Why rush back into a relationship? What is wrong with living single Every situation is different. I didn't rush back into a relationship, but I saw the appeal. Divorce is like the ultimate rejection, so getting into a new and exciting relationship reassures the ego that we're still desirable. It can also replace the physical affection that was lost. There's plenty of petty reasons as well, like trying to show off to your ex that they're missing out, or that you don't need them and you're happier without them. I think it's usually not the best strategy, most peop…	/r/Divorce_Men	14/03/26 09:10 PM
2	How long before unexpected waves of grief diminished for you? It ebbs and flows. We have been separated since Spring '24 (with a brief "try to make it work" phase later that fall) - officially divorced this past Summer. We had been married almost 15 years and together for several more before marriage. No kids, so we basically have had no contact since the divorce, and it was minimal before that. She was pretty awful to me at the end of our marriage and through the divorce. Even so, the happy memories are still there, and some days something triggers me and…	/r/Divorce_Men	05/03/26 06:53 PM
3	What did getting divorced teach you? Enlightening and terrifying. I think I had that exact same thought, like I thought someone - parents, friends, family, counselors - was going to step in and fix it all, and one day it hit me that of course that's not going to happen. Scared the shit out of me, but I think it was the first step towards real acceptance of my situation.	/r/Divorce_Men	03/03/26 05:46 PM
32	What did getting divorced teach you? It taught me (well, reinforced - it's a lesson I've learned in other ways already) that life is about letting go. Everything is constantly changing and nothing lasts forever. You have to cherish what you have while you have it, and when it's gone you need to grieve it and let it go. Holding on too tightly only prolongs suffering. It taught me to listen to myself, to speak up for my needs even when doing so feels difficult, and that enforcing healthy boundaries means being willing to do what it t…	/r/Divorce_Men	03/03/26 05:38 PM
6	What was the Craziest Moment In your Divorce Story? I often wonder, when women say they've been unhappy for so long but they didn't communicate it... were they really unhappy, or did they re-write history in their mind to justify themselves? In reality I'm sure both happen, but it's a pretty fucked up thing to say either way. I was the one who asked for divorce - I feel I was forced into it, but I'm glad I did because the writing was on the wall - but once she realized I was serious about it she told me, "It's time to face the truth, neither one …	/r/Divorce_Men	25/02/26 06:19 PM
1	Lack of accountability Which is ironic considering that a codependent is solely responsible for all the pain they bring on themselves. Understanding codependency means accepting that they (the codependent) were the ones who made those choices, took those actions, without ever knowing or asking whether their targets wanted or needed them to. It's a fundamentally selfish trait, but one that's so easily misunderstood and abused in pop psychology.	/r/Divorce_Men	25/02/26 12:20 AM
3	How far along are you and how are you doing? 7 months since the divorce was finalized, we'd been separated about a year before that. I think she still crosses my mind more days that not, but it's not as painful as it used to be. I'm trying to forgive her and think I'm most of the way there. We were together for almost as long as you - married for about 12 years. No kids, just my old dog which she fortunately backed off and let me keep him at the end of his life (although I paid for it - but 100% worth the price). Now there's nothing tying …	/r/Divorce_Men	17/02/26 10:09 PM
3	Would you take her back? Well, I guess yes, because I did. We were separated, and I was convinced it was over - but she came back, apologized, and said all the right things. I felt like I owed it to myself and our marriage to at least give it one more try, so I did. That lasted about 3 months before she completely invalidated everything about her apology, revealed she had lied and was manipulating me, thought all the terrible things she did were my fault and I had to figure out how to make it up to her, yadda yadda. Now…	/r/Divorce_Men	13/02/26 09:01 PM
10	“Mental Load” She doesn't sound like a very good partner. The fact that she gets angry that other people have a good opinion about you is a huge red flag. It sounds like you have good boundaries and are already thinking about your situation rationally. Do not let yourself become the scapegoat. Don't let her put you on the defensive over accusations that have no basis in reality - the "mental load" hand waving without concrete examples is her flimsy way of trying to maintain the upper hand. Others have mention…	/r/Divorce_Men	09/02/26 10:12 PM
5	Where have you traveled alone? Road trip to Utah, went to the national parks and did some offroading trails. Planning a trip to europe later this spring. Pros: Going wherever you want, whenever you want. Eating at the restaurants you like. Flirting with strangers. Cons: Like doing anything alone, it can feel lonely, especially the in-between moments like settling in to the hotel room in the evening. But honestly that inspired me to get out more and stay busy and make the most of my time.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/02/26 09:06 PM
2	Regret For some perspective on the other side of it, I attempted to do everything to keep things amicable between me and my XW. Pushed for splitting things down the middle ourselves (since we were both in tune with our finances and we didn't have kids or property to deal with this would have saved us a lot of time and money). Pushed for mediation when that started to break down. I finally had to go file for divorce and just let it play out. That fortunately forced her to the table and we signed a joint…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/01/26 08:30 PM
4	Depression vs Rage My ex wife went as far as to videotape our arguments to show the marriage counselor so they could see just how angry I was all the time. Guess who didn't agree with her assessment? Turns out being frustrated and exhausted isn't the same thing as angry, assuming you can actually read human emotion!	/r/Divorce_Men	26/01/26 08:15 PM
4	Can’t imagine myself ever being in a relationship again The great thing about being in our situation is that you don't have to; you don't have to date, you don't have to want a relationship, none of that is your problem anymore. You can just focus on what makes you happy. I felt the same way during and after my divorce and it definitely got me down, because it was a cognitive dissonance for me. I knew I was happy when my marriage was good, and I wanted that back. But at the same time, a bigger part of me knew I didn't want to go through the work and …	/r/Divorce_Men	15/01/26 10:48 PM
1	I just realized I've been keeping score for years - anyone else? I make all the money. But now I get to keep all of it too! I pay all the bills. But now there's no surprises! I do all the work. But I'm only cleaning up after one person now.	/r/Divorce_Men	06/01/26 11:45 PM
2	Update, 2 years post divorce Don't beat yourself up. It's hard. Take it as another lesson learned and move forward.	/r/Divorce_Men	23/12/25 05:44 PM
6	Update, 2 years post divorce There's nothing you can do to change the past. Don't allow her to continue to wreck your present. Count your lucky stars you're two years removed from that toxicity. Congratulate yourself on valuing yourself and getting out.	/r/Divorce_Men	23/12/25 05:43 PM
10	Why did therapy not work? Be honest, don’t give me the polite, mature answer. Couple's counseling was her idea initially, and I'm very grateful to her for taking that initiative. However, right from the start she approached it with the opinion that it was therapy for me and that she just needed to be there to make sure it worked. She told me I needed to pick out the counselor - and although I said I would, it hurt my feelings, and I told her so. I asked why we couldn't do it together, since it seemed like an important thing to agree on. She told me she didn't want me to h…	/r/Divorce_Men	08/12/25 11:05 PM
2	Guys Who've Been Through Divorce: What Was the HARDEST Part to Get Used To? Jesus. I'm sorry. Mine cost me roughly half that. Hard pill to swallow no matter the circumstances.	/r/Divorce_Men	04/12/25 12:40 AM
5	Ex regrets separation/divorce, looking for advice. I went through a similar phase with my ex-wife. We had what I thought was a good relationship - ups and downs for sure, but I loved her and believed she loved me, and our lives were low stress and enjoyable. Or so I thought. In the last few years of our marriage things went downhill and I couldn't figure out why. Ultimately it seems like she just didn't take care of her mental health and turned against me. But whatever the reason, we eventually separated, and it was not pretty. We had talked tog…	/r/Divorce_Men	25/11/25 11:21 PM
6	Divorce over dishes Would she have helped with cleanup normally? It sounds like probably not, I'm wondering if she did specifically because you asked her not to. It sucks to have your efforts discounted like this. I think you should stick up for yourself in counseling. You can approach it calmly and rationally - "I don't want either of us to feel like we're the only ones doing any of the work. Can we compare what we're both contributing to make sure that doesn't happen?" Might help, might not - in my case, sticking…	/r/Divorce_Men	16/11/25 06:20 PM
2	I was abused. I didn’t realize it. Know that I know, sharing it sounds ridiculous & others seem to convey doubt. I get it, man. You aren't alone. If you haven't, you should consider checking out the subreddits for BPDlovedones and NarcissisticSpouses. Depending on your experiences the topics there may or may not resonate with you, but regardless of labels there's tons of support there for people who experienced emotional and psychological abuse and I'll bet you find something that helps. I sure did. Good luck, be well.	/r/Divorce_Men	12/06/25 06:50 PM
2	Separation, looking forward and anxiety Anxiety is complex, and it's totally normal to experience a lot of it even if you're in a safe place now. Divorce is painful - depending on how long you were married and how your relationship evolved, it's a massive change to go from having someone who is likely your closest friend around you all the time to being alone. I'm in a better place now after my separation this fall. We have no kids and are comfortable financially - we'll split things 50/50 and both be fine. She's being a little diffic…	/r/Divorce_Men	30/12/24 06:50 AM
2	So how many of you believe your ex wife is/was having a midlife crisis? Holy shit, so sorry man. I finally asked for my divorce after a long couple years of us trying to work things out when it started to look like she was working her way up to making false DV claims. Your scenario is exactly what scared me - the cops don't ask questions. We fortunately don't have kids, and I asked her to leave before we got to that point. Hope you're doing better now.	/r/Divorce_Men	17/12/24 12:24 AM