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i80west Archive

View 0 posts and 94 comments by i80west on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

Some people want a condensed explanation so they can know what to think about you and your split up. But they don't want your details or venting. A couple summing-up sentences are all anybody I know wanted.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 04:31 PM
4

Our kids were grown and gone. We lived together in the house while we negotiated the divorce, cleared it out, and got it ready to sell. We couldn't stand each other and avoided any contact. Any conversation got her screaming because she was unbalanced. We retreated to separate bedrooms, spend most of our time there, and avoided using the kitchen or other common spaces at the same time. It was a bummer but it saved us from having to pay for two living spaces.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 04:19 AM
3

You spit up in the air and it lands in your face. Your wife and daughter learned that. Too bad they didn't know to expect it, but you can't protect them from consequences of their actions. These consequences are not your fault, though, so I don't see how they should hurt you in court.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 10:12 PM
2

Be patient. It took my judge a month and a half to sign ours.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 08:38 PM
1

We didn't bother with mediation. We couldn't sit in the same room together!
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 11:31 PM
8

I am. We were both in our retirement and unlikely to get jobs. Our social security and work pensions were equalized by me paying her a monthly amount until she remarries (yeah right!) or dies. We're in an "equitable distribution" state. We also equalized retirement saving funds, house sale proceeds, and cash on hand.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 07:25 PM
11

I finally filed when my wife threatened divorce three times in one month, after never doing it before. Once someone has started down that road, I could never trust them saying "never mind".
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 03:02 AM
1

Yeah, push the process along. You build the 50/50 fair proposal, push for a court date if they drag their feet. Don't wait for them to drag it out. Don't wait for your paid-by-the-hour lawyer to work things out, and don't let them persuade you to fight for some selfish split that'll never happen. Those things just add up the billable hours. Push, be efficient. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 11:09 PM
1

Yup!
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 10:56 PM
11

After 45 years I told my wife I was divorcing her because she'd declared war on our children. I didn't ask. She tried a half-assed apology but it wasn't real. Because she's younger and healthier than me divorce was the only way to preserve half our assets so I can leave something to the kids. When she saw I wasn't changing my mind, she went full on hate mode. We got lawyers and split everything 50/50. I'm waaaaaay happier now than I've been in years.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 10:50 PM
14

50/50 or fight. There can't be another way.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 10:00 PM
5

You need to drive the work. Devise your proposed settlement, your responses to their answers, have the lawyer help you understand what a judge will approve, direct your attorney what to do. They know the process but they're working for you. You're the one making the agreement. They may have no interest to speed things along but you want this shit over. Tell your lawyer no if they want to push for something unreasonable. It won't fly and will only cost you time and fees.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 04:20 PM
6

I did and I am. Living single is way better than living with someone you can't stand. My kids are grown and they understand, so that helps.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 11:24 AM
5

We both played roles in the disintegration of our relationship. We were different to start, we didn't grow together enough. In the end she did something I couldn't live with so I filed. If the relationship had been healthier it might not have come to that. So I'll fault her and she'll fault me. But she shouldn't have done that.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 06:38 PM
2

Keep what's valuable and that you really need. Don't load yourself down with stuff you aren't sure you need. Decent stuff is often available in Goodwill stores. The two I've gone to had dishes, utensils, some furniture, some kitchen appliances like microwaves, coffee makers, and electric grills.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 04:32 AM
15

She wants a divorce but she found out she wouldn't be as affluent as she'd hoped so now she wants to back out of it. But the thing is, she'll still be looking for a way to fix the affluence problem so she CAN go through with the divorce. My opinion is that once someone decides they want out, they don't change wanting out. They just change their strategy. She's not even acting like a couple now or in her "ideal scenario". I'd consider it over and work toward finalizing the end as quickly as possi…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 01:47 AM
5

Never.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 06:53 AM
3

My ex's lawyers asked and my lawyer said no. They can't compel that.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 10:15 PM
2

If he can't consistently treat you like he wants you there, he's not "relationship material". The reason doesn't matter. He's either there for you or he's not, and he's not.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 02:08 PM
4

Speak to a lawyer because it probably varies depending on the state you're in, who's name is on the house, and whether there's a chance of DV accusations if you stay. My lawyer told me moving out doesn't matter as long as I didn't suddenly quit paying for things I'd been routinely paying for (mortgage, healthcare, utilities, etc), which would have constituted "abandonment". Get the divorce moving as quickly as possible and work out who gets the current residence, or if you sell it, and who pays …
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 05:54 AM
2

If she can't afford the house loan and buying out your half of the equity, factor in the time and cost of emptying and selling it and you both moving elsewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 07:26 PM
4

Exercise, reading, playing music, not new hobbies but ones I put down because my relationship had pushed them out.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 02:02 PM
1

Recording helped rein in my ex's claims. I even took them to the cops to head off any potential DV claims she might have tried. Anyway, it's your divorce, your choice. Good luck in this trying time.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/25 02:26 PM
2

Well, if she's working her hardest to tear you down and deprive you of the property and custody rights you deserve, it's worth the effort. My ex didn't think any effort was too much to try to destroy me. If the dispute goes before a judge, evidence will count and arguments without evidence won't.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/25 06:38 AM
2

Keep records of all communications and interactions. The best way to combat lies is to have evidence that contradicts them. Also keep track of her communications with you because it may provide evidence contradicting claims her lies make about her. Emails and texts are easiest to document. If you live in a one-person-consent state, it's worth using your phone to record in-person conversations.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 09:37 PM
2

The world feeds us so many stories of happily-ever-after lovers that there's not a lot of stories of happy single people by comparison. But there are lots of ways to live a meaningful life that don't require coupling. Helping others, growing your knowledge, your skills, your assets to leave to your kids. You deserve to find what you enjoy and to do that. There are lots of challenging and worthwhile goals in life beyond coupling. To me, loneliness is longing for someone to live life with you. If …
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 09:01 PM
1

I know the church won't buy it, but I believe a just god would now require you to suffer your entire life and ruin any chance of family to protect someone else's ability to sin with no consequence. This is why religions are a corrosive influence in our society. They require you to obey, no matter what you think.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/25 12:21 AM
1

How many times do you have to be betrayed before you accept that she is a betrayer? I know the church doesn't approve of divorce and I'm sure they'd have you suffer being a cuckold your entire life and "offer it up" to be happy in heaven, even though you know she'll leave you once she gets it together with the man she really wants. Maybe she'll bring you home a STD before she finally ends it. You deserve better. You're not wrong in doing what it takes to end a relationship that's hurting you. I'…
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/25 11:59 PM
2

Deserter
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 03:51 AM
4

We each got our own lawyer. I pushed mine to move forward to file and get on court schedules, with no time spent on consultation or reconciliation. I put together settlement proposals, with the help of my lawyer. I got the impression he would have gone slower if I'd left it to him, not because he was dragging it out but because he was busy and had other cases besides mine. I also think some couples spend time talking about it, reconsidering, arguing, and generally wasting time. We got the order …
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 11:15 PM
1

I don't know who's banned but I haven't seen men's posts trashed there, but ymmv.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 01:20 PM
-2

I see men and women posting there. I don't tabulate the posters' sex but I see both sexes pretty well represented. So, yes, I've been on that subreddit and no, it doesn't seem to me like most people posting there are women.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 05:13 AM
8

She's not going to be happy if you're not attracted to her and don't expect to have sex. I don't think marrying her would be kind if that's your plan.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 04:14 AM
1

I never had one but I'd sell it if I did. That relationship is over. I didn't keep anything from it. I'm still good with my adult kids and I have a few pix and reminders of them, but the important part is the ongoing relationship with them, not memories of the past. Live's an adventure and you have to keep moving forward.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 03:08 AM
1

No. The monthly amount I pay equalizes our incomes. We both came away with the same.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 11:15 PM
3

We were married 45 years, both retired with pensions and social security, neither going back to work, my income is a little higher. I pay about $1000 a month until one of us dies or she remarries (ie, forever) to equalize our income. And we split the retirement accounts to be equal, again with me shifting stuff over to her. It amounted to an equal split. We divided up our possessions equally, sold the house and split that equally. So, I pay her, but it's all to equal stuff out. I'm not wild abou…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 06:25 PM
1

Assume when you were married, everything was 50/50 jointly owned. Even if you had your own bank accounts, car titles, house titles, etc. Divide it all up 50/50. Same thing with debt, it's jointly owned no matter whose name is on the mortgage/car loan/whatever. So, you divide things 'equitably'. If you both have cars with roughly equal value, you can agree they balance each other out. But if one has a huge loan and the other is paid off, that debt is jointly owed and has to be either split or bal…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 04:23 PM
2

My wife and I did for about 7 months. We stayed out of each others' way and rarely spoke, and it was never cordial. I started recording all our conversations. But we both had an interest in emptying our stuff out of the house and prettying it up to sell, so we made it work.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 05:22 AM
2

You absolutely can. Rediscover who you are and what you want to do. I've joined a book club and a couple of music groups, and I found a walking and biking buddy for daily exercise. And I'm learning to cook more than I did. I'm reading a ton of books on subjects I was always interested in but never had time for, like economics and history. Get active doing things you want to do, things you wanted to do but had to put on hold when you were married. I've been divorced for 6 months or so and finding…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 01:05 PM
5

My mistake was expecting my lawyer to take the lead in defining our asset split. He didn't look at any of the proposals I had worked out for equitable distributions. He tried to argue to exempt my social security, even though it was clear that wouldn't have been equitable. To be fair, my ex was delaying everything anyway. But ultimately, I had to tell him to stop arguing for something that was never going to get approved and to offer the equitable proposal I worked out. Once he did that, and my …
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 11:00 PM
2

Mine cost me 12K in lawyer fees, plus several thousand in living expenses she ran up during the process. We didn't go to court. We worked out a deal just before, almost the day before. Our kids are grown so the only issue was dividing up the assets and we reached an equitable deal. The whole thing started in July and was finalized in May, and then took until August to transfer the assets the way the court approved in May.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 05:08 AM
3

In my state, an automatic injunction came into effect as soon as I filed for divorce, that prevented me from making any non-routine financial transactions. It specified canceling insurance or healthcare coverage, and buying and selling substantial assets. As others said, check with your lawyer. Your state may be different.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 05:28 PM
3

I find most people areen't interested in anything more than "I'm divorced", and maybe "It was finalized x date". A few of my friends wanted more, like "Why". So I have a concise story of what happened and why I did it. It tells my side of the story, which I think puts me in the right. But it doesn't go into a lot of detail. I can tell a longer story if someone's interested, but most really aren't.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 05:43 AM
3

As soon as you know you're moving toward divorce. It's going to come out and it's better they hear it from you rather than from her rating about you. Also, it'll be months, maybe more, before it becomes final. It'll definitely come out before then. You'll want to work on a simple, concise statemet of what happened that you can tell people simply without dragging it out in more detail than anybody wants. You'll need a simple 'why i'm divorced' statement forever, one that doesn't sound like you're…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 03:05 AM
5

Some things you can change and some you can't. Some things you did right in life and some things you didn't. At this moment, you can choose to try to move your life in a good direction or you can choose beat your head against a brick wall. Trying to restore something that is restorable is moving in a positive direction. Trying to restore something that is not restorable is beating your head against a brick wall. We've all made mistakes and we have to live with that. And we still have the choice …
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 06:48 AM
1

No, but splitting the house equity and her and your checking/savings accounts and other assets will equal it out. You paid, she saved. You split what you paid for and what she saved. You should not stop paying during the divorce. In fact, in my state, an automatic restraining order is issued when the divorce suit is filed that prevents both of you from making drastic financial changes like stopping mortgage or healthcare payments or debt payments, or making unusual purchases or asset transfers.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 06:28 AM
1

Until you are divorced, all assets and debt are jointly owned. So, you paid more for the house and she still gets half the equity, and she saved money for not paying and you get half her increased bank account. I was in the same situation and it didn't matter that I paid all the bills. I got half her inflated bank account. It balances out.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 05:52 AM
1

Got it.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 02:08 PM
2

Easy voice recorder is free on android. Iphone probably has something too.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 12:55 PM
3

Some cameras just record to an SD card, so if she has access to swap that out, then it may not need any connectivity.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 09:53 PM
1

Passport info, I agree isn't relevant. Spending history goes to explain what I claim in my financial affidavit as to income and expenses. But a judge isn't going to go through why you stayed in a hotel here or there or paid an OF model x amount. I think the only use for financial discovery is to find out your income and what you've been doing with it, specifically if you've been syphoning it off to some hidden stash. Yeah, there might be embarassing stuff there, but I don't think it would affect…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 02:39 AM
5

Yeah, if she won't cooperate, you have to go to court and ask the court to compel her to do what is necessary. She can't ignore them.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 02:31 AM
3

Lots of that stuff, like what you did with money, is relevant and standard. I got asked for 3 years' worth of all financial transactions. However, you CAN say no to stuff that's not relevant and a judge probably won't order you to give everything they ask for. My ex asked for all my internet IDs on all sites. My lawyer told them no. And, it's all relevant up until the divorce final date, so I had to update the discovery data a couple of times, to make sure it was accurate.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 02:25 AM
7

If she's living there alone, she'll have no incentive to expedite the sale, and she could delay it. After all, she'll be living there alone. We sold our house in my divorce and we both lived there until the closing date. We each moved out what we wanted and arranged to donate or discard everything else.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 05:14 AM
1

How are the names different on the deed and the title? In my 'equitable division' state, we sold the house, paid off any debts on it, and split the remainder equally between my ex and me, the only owners. Depending on whether you define 'owner' but the title or the deed, I'd assume an equal split either way. So if your mom owns it, it doesn't need to be sold and neither you nor your wife get any of it. If all three own it, you split the proceeds three ways after the mortgage is paid off. I'm not…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 12:32 PM
2

My ex and I weren't talking at the time. I sent her an email, cc'ing both our lawyers, listing what I wanted. I didn't want much, but I took some stuff that had been "mine" (tools, etc) that I knew I could sell. I took a few dishes, but only a few. Every goodwill I've been to is full of dishes and utensils. We had very few things we both wanted. My lawyer suggested going through the house and putting colored sticky notes on things we wanted.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 05:25 PM
4

If she's given up, there's no point beating your head on a brick wall. Get it disolved and move on. What you wish would happen doesn't matter. See what IS happening and deal with it. Cold, yeah, but life is that way sometimes. I'm sorry, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/24 05:12 PM
2

Our kids are grown, so there were no custody or child support issues. Just assets to split 50/50. It was pretty straightforward.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:18 PM
2

Mine was 6K. And I paid another 5K when it was all over.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 02:50 AM
4

Mine did. The trigger was our son's marriage. My wife decided she had to go to war. Full on hatred and promises of disinheritence. Almost a year didn’t soften it. That crossed a bright line. Marriage was over.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 11:53 AM
2

12k in lawyer's fees. Several thousand in equalizing 401k and pension income to make a 50/50 split.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 01:34 AM
3

12k for my lawyer. I assume she paid at least that much for hers. No kids involved.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 11:55 PM
4

I initiated divorce at 75 after 45 years. Our kids were grown. They had seen other people with divorced parents and kind of knew how to navigate it. Because of the way our state laws were, a 50/50 split was going to happen no matter how amicable or adversarial our relationship was. But everyone will decide for themselves whose fault the divorce is. My ex vowed to disinherit one of our kids. So no one blames me. That said, her family is still her family and not mine. Same thing with mine. That's …
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/24 01:47 PM
10

It's over. Once someone says they want a divorce, they view you as disposable. I wouldn't ever trust someone who was willing to say that. Even if she changes her mind, what's to say her original decision won't come back again. She decided to break it. I'd view it as permanently broken. There's no going back. Commitment doesn't get turned on and off like a valve.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 02:51 PM
5

Healing takes place inside. I don't have to go anywhere for it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 07:22 PM
7

She decided she hated one son's wife and vowed to write him out of her will. She persisted in this for almost a year, forcing me to choose between her and our kids. I guess I was the only one who viewed commitment to family as non-negotiable. I have no profound wisdom to give. Respect each other, love each other, communicate, keep showing up even when it gets hard, and commit to staying together. Do stuff together but also give each other space. And get lucky, I guess. We live in an "equitable d…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 08:18 PM
6

Mine is until either of us dies or she remarries. We're both retirees with savings and pensions. My savings and income are both more than hers, so we're equalizing both to be 50/50. We were married almost 50 years with no minor children.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 07:05 PM
3

If she won't cooperate, lawyer up and sue her for divorce. Put together an agreement you think is fair and present it to her. The court will set a date for her to respond. Don't let her refusal to participate stop you.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/24 09:39 PM
3

Talking about it helps if you have a therapist or someone close who can listen. I found writing about it helped me. I don't have a therapist and I didn’t want to ask my friends and relatives to sit through the repeated venting I needed. Writing also helped me clarify my plans. I walk an hour a day and could say out loud all the things I'd want to say to her. That also helped. Mainly, keep busy, keep focused on your planning, and give it time. Acknowledge your feelings. You can survive them.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 01:13 PM
2

I just recorded audio but the sound of her screaming and threatening was pretty convincing. Ours didn't go to court and I doubt my recordings prevented that but they clearly showed who the aggressor was.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 07:39 PM
2

Recording doesn't have to make things worse. I just started a recording app any time I spoke with her. She never noticed. Of course she already hated my guts so there was probably no "worse" to make things.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 04:59 PM
1

You'll want some left for you after it's over.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 11:23 AM
2

My wife's lawyers asked for that and my lawyer told them no.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 09:02 PM
15

Refuse to sign until the agreement states her income accurately.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/24 01:48 PM
11

We cut each other off and it's ok. Their loyalty is to her.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 02:01 AM
1

I definitely agree there. My divorce also doesn’t involve child custody issues.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 12:42 PM
1

My lawyer told me it didn't matter wheher I left the house or not, as long as I didn't stop paying for it. I stayed and we eventually sold it and will split the proceeds. It was in both our names.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 11:59 AM
14

You're absolutely right. This divorce remorse will last your wife a short time and she'll be at it again. And you don't want to put your daughter through this again. Also, if your wife jumped to divorce without thinking it through, she'll likely do it again. I think once someone asks for a divorce, they're done. There's no going back.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 02:15 AM
7

My 6000 retainer is mostly gone and we're a couple weeks from trial. She's paid her lawyer 14,000 so far. I don’t know if we'll get a deal before trial but I'll probably be out another 6000 at least. 12k here, 14k there, pretty soon you're talking about real money. Ours is also gray. We sold the house and will probably split everything 50/50 once she realizes she can't "take me for everything I'm worth".
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/24 08:28 PM
6

I'll just point out that "Don't get a new girlfriend while this is in progress" was the first advice my divorce lawyer gave me. And we're geezers with no young kids to worry about, and in a no-fault state. Seems it just pisses off the spouse.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/24 12:37 PM
2

We sold the house before D day. I'm staying with a friend until the divorce is final. She moved to an apartment. I'm hoping it'll finalize quickly, but we'll see.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/24 05:08 PM
6

It's a two-way street. That kind of commitment requires a similar commitment on his part to be constantly trying to fix the sick/destitute/hell/bridge conditions. If he's just playing video games and expecting her to support him, he's delusional.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 09:39 PM
3

All the same, write it down, edit it so it's clear and concise. It'll help clarify it all in your mind.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 06:11 PM
1

My lawyer didn't want to get the level of personal possessions in the separation agreement either and he said the judge that will review and approve it also doesn't want to have to go through that minutiae. My lawyer suggested my wife and I get different colored sticky notes and go through the house marking what we want to keep. We only had a couple things we both wanted and we worked it out. Anything with no sticky either of us could take or it will be discarded. I don't think you want the sepa…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 07:26 PM
2

It's called 'dissipation of marital assets' and in my state it's one of the things that will turn a no-fault divorce into a fault divorce. The courts will rule that you have to pay her back for her half, and maybe more for her loss of what she could have gained through investing it. If you could take all that cash and disappear, you might not get caught. But you can't really disappear these days. Too many systems need to know where you are, like banks and the IRS. No, I don't think you can get a…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 12:10 PM
1

I agree 16 is not too young. Keep to the facts. Be complete but not extreme. The kid deserves the truth.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 01:08 PM
1

I spoke to the SIL and BIL that I like OK and I told them that we were getting divorced and why. I did this even before my wife did. But, as was inevitable, they are still in contact with her and not with me. That's fine. They're her family and they shouldn't cut her off. I can't wait to because I can't stand what she's become. The relationship I had with them is collateral damage. C'est la vie.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/23 09:39 PM
2

I'm taking a lot of stuff to my local Goodwill. They take almost anything.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 05:03 PM
3

If you're in an affluent area, check out the local Goodwill. A rich person dies and their whole wardrobe shows up there.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/23 03:37 PM
4

Get a good-fitting sport jacket. You can throw it on over anything to dress it up. Light weight wool sweaters add warmth without bulk.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/23 03:33 PM
2

I am and I'll like it. We're in the divorce process and sharing a house but she's going to visit her sister so I'll have the place to myself. It'll be a relief not having to deal with her. I ordered a couple prepared turkey dinners from a local grocery store: one for me and one for me later. I will enjoy them well. I'll speak to my kids and sibs on the phone so I won't be lonely.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/23 03:30 PM
23

It's never too late to accept your kids' apologies. They didn't cause this.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/23 10:43 AM
2

A few brief sentences. They don't need to hear me vent but I'm happy to give them enough to know what's happening and why. Like I'd tell the judge.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/23 07:14 AM
2

Mine was 200 for one, free for another
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/23 09:15 PM
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