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View 2 posts and 145 comments by Fan_of_Sanity on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
24

Getting StartedFan_of_Sanity/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 12:08 PM
5

Getting StartedFan_of_Sanity/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 08:00 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
1

Right—that’s what I said (“I don’t know that the data support’s OP’s claims…”) I think you and I are actually agreeing? But it IS true that most marriages that are ended are ended by the wife, not the husband. And it’s by a very wide margin.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/26 10:03 PM
3

Most = majority
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/26 09:55 PM
6

I don’t know that the data supports OP’s claims that a majority of marriages end this way, but there has definitely been an increase in marriages ending for reasons that wouldn’t have ended them in the past. I’m one of those nice-guy husbands whose wife file for divorce. No cheating, no abuse, no fighting, no abandonment, no financial mismanagement. I’m kind, funny, and have provided my wife with a comfortable lifestyle. She hasn’t worked outside the home in a decade. We don’t have kids. In the …
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/26 09:24 PM
1

For me, the financial uncertainty has been the biggest burden since shortly after my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I mourned the end of the marriage for a week or two, then shifted to worrying about my financial future. Will I be able to afford to keep the house? Will I ever be able to retire? I’ve worked hard for decades to reach a position of financial security, and it has been blown up. That burden won’t be lifted until we have a final settlement agreement, which we’re in the midst of ne…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/26 11:09 PM
2

All good advice, but the challenge is that a hefty retainer is still required. You may get a good portion of that money back in the end if billable time is kept to a minimum, but you still have to pony up the money at the start. It’s a fucked-up system we’ve created.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/26 11:00 PM
1

Ha! I’m absolutely a dog person, and love our pup. But I’m gone for work five days a week, and my STBX isn’t, so honestly it makes sense for her to get the dog.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/26 05:15 PM
3

We’re still negotiating, but she’s keeping the dog and it looks like I’ll keep the house. She’ll likely get her share of the equity via additional funds from the retirement accounts beyond her 50% (she’s okay with not having the cash in hand). She’ll end up with $400k+, leaving me with roughly $200k. But I’ll have two pensions when I retire, so I should be okay even with my account balance taking a big hit. I’ll be paying alimony indefinitely, though, so there will be ongoing pain. But she can’t…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/26 01:59 AM
4

Great attitude, brother. Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/26 07:43 PM
7

That’s critical information that probably should be been included in your post.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/26 10:15 PM
5

I’m in the midst of divorce now, and can’t imagine that there will ever be a time when I don’t care about my STBX. Even though she initiated the divorce, I don’t hate her. We’ve had a lot of great years together, and I genuinely hope she’ll thrive on her own. I want nothing but good things for her.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/26 05:56 PM
8

Man, it sucks. Sorry you’re going through it. You aren’t alone, as you can see from the replies. My wife didn’t give me any substantive reasons, either. But to be honest, I didn’t push her to. It wouldn’t have done either of us any good. And we have a HUGE milestone anniversary coming, too. So much for that. To echo what others have said, as shitty as it is, be glad it happened just five years in. That’s better than ten or 20 or 30 years in.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/26 10:31 PM
2

You’ve had coitus. Performed cunnilingus. Received fellatio. I bet you’ve done LOTS of things in Latin!
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/26 10:17 PM
1

Google “companionate love”. It’s a thing, and there are many marriages sustained by it without romantic love. It’s not for everyone, but there are a LOT of couples that have this type of relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/26 10:14 PM
2

When my wife told me she wanted a divorce, I tried to get her to consider an alternative arrangement. I could’ve lived with our staying married and basically just being roommates. We got along well (still do), and there were significant financial advantages to staying together. It wouldn’t have been ideal, but I could’ve lived with it. She didn’t want to go this route, so we’re moving forward with the split.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/26 08:00 PM
5

This sub is full of men who have felt unappreciated by their wives. I can’t figure out if you’re trolling, or a masochist. 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/26 04:26 PM
1

I don’t have any good answers for you—just empathy. This is a shitty situation. I appreciate your love for your wife, and your desire to try to help her. Just be sure to protect yourself and the kids while doing that.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/26 04:09 PM
12

Surely you know that not a single dude in this sub is going to recommend that you stay in this relationship…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/26 03:04 PM
34

The common themes here are telling. In particular, the idea of “not walking on eggshells” came up a lot. It’s wild how many of us felt like we were continually ruled by our wives’ feelings. If I say the wrong thing, will she get mad? Jealous? Critical? Sad? Will something that seems small turn into something big? Trigger memories of something I did wrong a decade ago? It’s cliche, but true: Most men just want peace at home.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/26 07:20 PM
7

I didn’t feel conned at the time, and the con wasn’t explicit and conscious on anyone’s part. But in a sense, EVERYONE is being conned when it comes to societal expectations. In the U.S. in particular, everyone’s taught that marriage is the next step in a romantic relationship after long-term dating. That if you don’t get married, something’s wrong with you or the relationship. You’re refusing to grow up. Refusing to commit. Like so many others, I got married because that was just the thing you …
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/26 07:04 PM
1

Yeah, I’m not in TX but that’s what my attorney charges—and she’s only family law. And I was referred to her by a friend who’s also an attorney, but in a different area of practice.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/26 05:19 PM
4

I think that was his point—the foundation of his theory.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/26 08:41 PM
1

I’m not sure why OP didn’t include this critical information. 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/26 08:32 PM
19

I posted about the phenomenon of surprise divorces to [r/divorce](r/divorce) a little while back. My position was that there should virtually never occur—that if someone is considering divorce, they should very clearly state that to their spouse. A LOT of people disagreed with me. They argued that anyone who’s surprised by a divorce wasn’t paying attention. They said someone shouldn’t say to their partner, “I’m considering a divorce unless [whatever] changes” because that’s an ultimatum and ulti…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/26 08:27 PM
2

I feel like there are a lot of women who’d appreciate having a husband like the one I was, but I don’t know. I’ve definitely seen other divorces similar to mine where genuinely good guys were left by their wives. Sometimes it’s due to infidelity, but that’s not the case here; my wife doesn’t have someone on the side. She just seems to need something different from a partner than I’m able to provide.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/26 07:50 PM
6

No kids for us, but I provided my STBX with a comfortable, stable environment for decades. No cheating, no abuse, no yelling, no drugs, no financial shenanigans. Just a nice, safe, low-drama life. But she still filed for divorce from me. 🤷‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 10:34 PM
2

I’m glad I’m not the only one. I don’t want my STBX to have a shitty life; I want her to be happy and thrive, even without me.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 10:30 PM
3

My STBX and I still live together, but we haven’t discussed our settlement directly at all. My attorney and I came to an agreement on an initial offer, which she then sent to my STBX’s attorney, who then sent it to my STBX. Next, my wife and her attorney will discuss a counteroffer, which her attorney will send to my attorney, who will then send it to me. And so on. My attorney clearly told me at the beginning not to make any commitments to my STBX directly. I’m hoping that with 2-3 iterations o…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 10:28 PM
3

It’s funny because I bet if you asked my STBX, she’d say she didn’t think I was overly concerned about her feelings. But that’s just not the case—my radar was always trying to gauge her so I could adjust my words and actions to try to make her happy.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 10:22 PM
2

Ooh, damn. Well, there’s your answer. It sucks, but at least you know. And I know it’s hard. My wife and I still live together, and I imagine we will for a couple more months. In a lot of ways, things seem normal between us—other than being in the midst of the divorce process. We get along really well. I won’t stop loving her, but I’ve had to put up some emotional walls and maintain my distance for my own protection.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 05:25 PM
3

Damn, bro! Like you, we had a long marriage. My wife was a trained and licensed medical professional, but hasn’t been able to work for the last decade or so due to chronic physical conditions. And they’re legit—not bullshit. She truly wouldn’t be able to hold down a job. So I’ll be paying alimony for the rest of her life, unless she remarries. Not as much as you because my earnings aren’t that high, but I’m counting on around $50k/year. Good on you for setting an example for your kids. That’s fa…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 04:37 PM
7

Man, I relate to the core issue here: Much of my life has been wrapped up in worrying about what my STBX was thinking or feeling. Hell, I’m still going through that now during the divorce process. I’m sad about our split—I neither asked for nor wanted it—but one good thing I know will come from it is that the burden of codependency will be lifted. Moving forward, the only feelings I’ll need to worry about will be my own.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 04:19 PM
3

I have an idea of how you feel. I’m older and was married longer, but my wife also asked me for a divorce. I also asked her to reconsider. We also still love each other. We’re also in the midst of planning the physical separation. If your marriage can be saved, it’s worth fighting for. But if your wife has made up her mind, I highly recommend placing emotional distance between the two of you ASAP. Treat her like a roommate. Stop having sex. What you’re doing now is only going to make a split har…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 04:11 PM
1

What’s the process in FL? In my state (also in the southeast), the paperwork seems to be minimal. Or at least it CAN be, if you avoid going through discovery (which is an option if both parties agree). All I’ve had to do so far is to give my attorney a list of our major assets, which are basically just the house, a couple of cars, and some retirement accounts. That and tell her what we owe on the cars and house. It took me maybe 30 minutes. Theoretically I could’ve put that on my wife to do—she’…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 04:02 PM
3

Mine seems to have dropped a bit, but I’m only a couple of months into the divorce process and going through the stress of trying to negotiate a settlement, planning moves, and so on. I’m hoping that once everything is finalized and we’ve both officially started the next chapter in our lives (apart), things will bounce back.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/26 08:15 PM
2

Consensually non-monogamous marriages absolutely can and do work (go ahead and downvote me, guys—it won’t change this fact). What they can’t do, though, is to fix broken relationships—and this relationship was broken before the marriage was opened.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/26 09:40 PM
5

Man, I hope my wife doesn’t do this. We’re still negotiating, but she’ll end up with something north of $425k. She’s disabled, so her only income after the divorce will be disability and alimony. She needs to leave the settlement money alone and let it grow, because once I retire her alimony will decrease significantly. She’s going to need the settlement to last her from that point until death to supplement the alimony and Social Security.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/26 09:18 PM
1

SSDI doesn’t go far, though!
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/26 09:10 PM
11

Despite the fact that mine was a cliched surprise divorce initiated by my wife, and I was a loving husband who didn’t run around or abuse my wife and who provided her with a comfortable lifestyle, real-life doesn’t stoke the misogynistic fires in me. I have fantastic personal relationships with a number of women who are amazing friends to me. I genuinely love them. What I do have to be careful about is social media. TikTok and Instagram in particular try to feed me content that’s straight-up mis…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/26 07:36 PM
6

The negative portrayal of men in the media is something I started noticing years ago. Once you become aware of it, you can’t stop seeing it. Far too often, male characters are written as bumbling dummies who only survive life thanks to the smart women who perpetually save them. There’s no way this doesn’t have a cultural impact in the real world over time.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/26 07:19 PM
3

Man, that sucks. I’m so sorry. I had a taste of this when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. The first couple of weeks were hard, and I was mourning the death of our marriage and just wanted a good hug. Except the person I’d normally go to for good hugs was the cause of my sadness, so what was I supposed to do? I know this isn’t exactly the same as your situation, but it’s close enough to give me an idea of what you’re going through. Chin up, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/26 02:23 AM
1

This varies so much—there’s not a right or wrong way to do it. My wife surprised me by filing for divorce. I knew things had been off between us for a while, but I definitely didn’t think they were bad enough to call it quits. Not by a long shot. I spent about two weeks in a fog after she told me, but now I’m okay. I have periods of sadness (like you, we were married for a long time), and nervousness about what my financial future will look like, but not despair or deep grief. One of my friends …
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/26 05:26 PM
2

One thing I’ve learned through this is that a number of us are in the same boat. Objectively decent guys, not running around on our wives, not creating drama—but still being left because there’s some need our wives think we should be filling that we aren’t. Sorry you’ve gone through it, too.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/26 04:43 PM
1

I’m a fan of couples counseling, but ideally it occurs with someone who doesn’t already have an established relationship with one of the members of the couple.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/26 09:04 PM
3

I thought my wife and I would be together until death because that was the vow we made, and we loved each other. It had nothing to do with “society”. Then she told me that although I had been a decent husband—no cheating, no abuse, no abandonment, I made a good income and provided her with a comfortable life—she wanted a divorce. That was the trigger. 🤷‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/26 08:54 PM
3

It sounds like your core question is whether the two of you should continue sharing a home in order to save money and co-parent the kids. You said, “This to me seems impossible to deal with.” I think that’s your answer.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/26 08:51 PM
2

Man, that sucks. When my wife told me she wanted a divorce, it was out of the blue (for me, anyway). After the initial shock wore off, I resisted. Proposed other options. Showed her some of my sadness. A week or two later, I simply accepted it. Decided that even if she said she was having second thoughts, I wasn’t going to stop the process. Too much water under the bridge. So now, I’m just calmly and rationally working towards negotiating a settlement. I have periods of sadness, but keep it to m…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/26 08:36 PM
1

I’ve been working on my playlist for the past few weeks. Some old standards like Sinatra’s “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning”, some newer stuff, some songs that aren’t about breakups but are connected to our relationship in some way. I have 18 tracks so far, but am continuing to add.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/26 07:54 PM
2

According to the (admittedly minimal) data available, roughly one in five married partners reports infidelity in the U.S. The actual numbers are probably a bit higher because people are unwilling to confess, even in an anonymous survey. That’s relatively common.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/26 07:47 PM
4

I’m making a note of this for my next relationship after my STBX. 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/26 07:32 PM
1

Thanks! My hair has thinned a bit—it’s not terrible by any means, but I can see that it’s starting. I’ve been thinking about jumping on the “min fin” bandwagon because I need to look my best, but looking great doesn’t help much if the fin keeps my important parts from working correctly! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/26 01:39 AM
1

You dodged a bullet!
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/26 09:37 PM
1

I definitely wouldn’t want a long-term relationship with that much of an age gap, but it could be fun for a short period of time…
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/26 08:50 PM
3

Is she still performing the (non-sexual) duties she performed as a wife? My STBX and I still live together while going through the divorce process she initiated and I didn’t want. We’re a couple of months in, and our relationship is amicable even though we both know the end is looming. Our finances are still mingled under a “status quo” order. I earn the sole income, and am paying all the bills. She still helps with household responsibilities, does the laundry, packs me meals for work. I still h…
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/26 01:37 AM
1

A mediator really isn’t on either party’s side; their job is to just try to get the two to come to an agreement. It could be that the agreement isn’t fair to one of the parties, so that’s why some people recommend using an attorney even if you’re mediating. When you have an attorney, they’re on your side. But this is totally your call. Heck, you don’t even have to have a mediator; theoretically, the two of you could hammer out an agreement on your own with no mediator OR attorneys.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/26 01:21 AM
1

I’m not putting any faith in the apps at all, but I figure there’s no harm in trying (aside from the significant risk of a bruised ego). And my closest women friends are not only telling me I have to give the apps a shot, but also offering to craft my profiles. So we’ll see how it goes. 🤣 But I would MUCH rather meet someone organically, and my guess is that this will eventually be how I meet people.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/26 01:03 AM
1

I don’t know… I feel like you’re being hard on yourself. A lot of what you’ve done, people would kill for their partners to have done. It seems like you’ve been slow and deliberative, and you’ve put work into yourself rather than just thinking your spouse is the only one who needs work. But in the end, you have to have a clear conscience and feel like you did everything you could to save the marriage. Only you can say what that looks like for you. But from where I sit (admittedly knowing very li…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 08:23 PM
1

I’m 53, married for nearly 30 years. Within a few days of being surprised by my wife’s filing for divorce, I decided I’d date if I had the opportunity. My husbandly obligations have ended. That said, I’m not actively looking. I’m not on the apps. Not going out to bars or other meeting places. So the odds of something coming my way are slim, but I’m open if they do. I’m absolutely not looking for an actual relationship anytime soon, though. Which also adds a layer of complexity, because most peop…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 08:16 PM
2

How did you score someone 18 years younger? Teach us your ways! I’m 53, and that sounds like a lot of fun after decades with one person. Like you, I don’t think it would last; that’s a significant age gap. But it would be a blast for a little while!
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 08:10 PM
1

Where can I find one of those?!
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 08:01 PM
1

Any sexual side effects from the Finasteride? Or is this maybe a bad time of life to try to gauge that?
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 08:00 PM
5

I think I’m in the minority on this, but I see no problem with an ultimatum in the sense of clearly conveying that if [fill in the blank] doesn’t happen, you’re going to want a divorce. Far too many people have used the “ultimatums are wrong!” principle to avoid being direct with their spouse, and the end result is a lot of people who were surprised by divorce. That said, from what you’ve written here it sounds like you’ve done due diligence. You’ve said specifically what your requirements are, …
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 07:26 PM
1

Unless the two of you can craft an agreement on your own, there’s no option but to get legal help. And with property and two kids in the mix, there’s odds of crafting an agreement on your own are slim (but not zero—it’s worth a shot). It sucks, but this is how our system works. It’s a complex contractual negotiation, and those generally require attorneys.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 02:50 PM
1

The issue of whether or not to have kids is one of a handful of dealbreaker issues. This is because, unlike with many other aspects of marriage, there’s no way to compromise; either you have kids, or you don’t. There’s no meeting in the middle. If she’s committed to having them and you’re committed to not having them, you need to go ahead and end this. Her threats of suicide only reinforce that you need to get out. These are deeply concerning. Either she’s truly mentally unwell and needs profess…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 02:47 PM
2

I’m not sure why you were downvoted; it’s empirically true that emotional affairs exist, and many people consider them to be just as bad as physical affairs (although it’s interesting to note that the courts generally don’t). I don’t know whether OP’s wife’s affair was truly emotional vs. physical, but it’s certainly possible.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 02:35 PM
1

I mean it’s sad that so many men are in the club—not that it’s a club of sad men (although there’s no shortage of sad guys in this sub).
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 01:44 AM
4

I’m hung up on the attorney costing $600. Do you live in a high cost of living area? Or did she just pick a celebrity attorney? Mine is $325/hour, and she’s good at her job. I can’t imagine that one costing twice as much would be twice as good.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/26 03:26 PM
12

Welcome to our sad little club, brother. As you can see from the replies, you aren’t alone; there are countless numbers of us who didn’t see it coming. It sucks, but you’ll make it through it if you focus on taking care of your mind, body, and spirit.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/26 03:12 PM
1

Any time I have the opportunity, I tell people about the Relationship Escalator and point out that it isn’t the only option we have. It works great for a lot of people, but that doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone even though our culture continually reinforces that it’s the only way.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/26 02:52 PM
1

Like I said, I’m not making a recommendation one way or another for you. Just saying to weigh the pros and cons. And if your sex life currently sucks, that’s a con that could be a deciding factor. My sex life with my STBX wasn’t what I wanted it to be, but I would’ve lived with it to keep our marriage together if that had been an option (it wasn’t—she unilaterally filed for divorce). For me, the financial and logistical pros of staying together outweighed that. But again, this is a decision each…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/26 01:12 PM
4

The idea of marrying for romantic love is a relatively new one in human history. Until recently, people married for practical reasons and then CHOSE to love one another. I’m not telling you that you should stay married. Just saying to weigh the pros and cons of divorce, especially with a kid in the mix. There are worse things than being married to a good person who works hard, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t bring you drama, and doesn’t spend all of your money—even if you don’t feel the romantic love you…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/26 12:36 PM
1

Wrap up the divorce as quickly as possible, because it isn’t going to get easier by waiting. The longer you’re married, the more this can cost you. If you want to keep cohabiting, that’s fine if it’s working for you—although I’m not sure what the need is since you both have good jobs and could find alternative housing. It has been around 2.5 months since my STBX filed. We’re still living together amicably (no kids), and likely will continue to until the divorce is finalized. If I’m able to keep …
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 03:39 PM
2

> “Is marriage hard? Yes, absolutely it is. It takes nonstop work on both sides.” I’ve always held this belief, but more and more I’ve been wondering… Is this truly how it HAS to be? Is there no other way? Obviously, there will be challenges when two adults are living life together. Compromises and considerations will need to be made. Neither is going to get their way 100% of the time. But having spent decades in a marriage that felt hard, and having worked on it non-stop only to see it end in a…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 03:13 PM
6

As a man who’s also going through a divorce that came completely out of nowhere, I’ll just echo what others have said… Don’t hesitate to check on us regularly, and invite us to do stuff together if you get the vibe that we’re lonely.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 02:52 PM
2

Man, I saw your post history and I’m thinking this woman may be right up your alley! Congrats—she sounds like fun. Enjoy it, although as others have said don’t rush into committing to the first woman that comes along.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 08:59 PM
2

I don’t know that there’s reliable data showing the role obesity plays in divorce, but it seems reasonable to say that (A.) physical attraction plays some role in relationships and (B.) increased weight correlates with decreased physical attraction in some percentage of relationships. I wonder if it might be more helpful to look at the common causes of obesity—poor diet and a lack of exercise—and ask what their impact might be on things like energy levels and libido. It could be that those thing…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 08:54 PM
2

Depression is a hell of a thing. It lies to you. It tells you nothing will get better. It tells you you’re alone. It tells you you’re worthless. Don’t listen to it. Take control of your life, and responsibility for your actions. Getting a job obviously isn’t fully within your control, but applying for jobs is. Practicing your interview skills is. Getting training to make yourself more competitive is. Putting down the bottle is within your control. The alcohol isn’t doing you any favors. Getting …
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 06:56 PM
2

One thing I’d add is that (at least in my state) there are easier and harder ways to do divorce. Attorneys technically aren’t required at all—although they’re advised in most situations. And even if you have attorneys, a lengthy discovery process isn’t required. Mediation isn’t required if the two parties can come to an agreement without it. Nor is a trial. With each piece you add, the more the divorce is going to cost both parties and the longer it’s going to take. Choose your battles. Think lo…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 05:56 PM
1

No, these are friends I made as an adult looooong after college.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 05:15 PM
11

Add me to the list of people who have friends who absolutely do care. My inner circle was invested from the moment I told them, and have had my back ever since. Three different friends have offered for me to move in with them if I need a place to stay—and they meant it. They’re not thinking about it daily the way I am (we’re still going through the divorce process, and there are lots of unknowns about the future), but I don’t expect them to. They do want me to update them any time there’s a chan…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 07:26 PM
3

I don’t have tips for you on the process for your scenario, but wanted to send you good vibes. Sorry this happened; it sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 07:11 PM
1

My STBX is in a better position to take care of the dog (she doesn’t work, but I do and am gone all day), and the dog has a slight preference for her (makes sense because they spend so much time together), so I’m not fighting for ownership. But I’m sad about it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 07:18 PM
2

We’re a couple of months into the divorce process and still living together. It’s weird because in many ways things are normal, yet we both know our decades-long marriage is coming to an end. I’m thankful we’re able to live in peace while the settlement is hammered out. We’re in separate bedrooms and are basically just roommates, but we aren’t fighting or jumping through hoops to completely avoid each other.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 04:40 PM
4

For some reason I get more sad about the idea of not seeing our dog after the divorce than about anything else. My wife, I, and the dog are a pack as far as the dog is concerned.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 01:05 AM
1

And in some cases, employers treat legal separation the same as divorce when it comes to health insurance (mine does).
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 01:01 AM
2

Holy crap.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 08:07 PM
2

Totally makes sense. But it sounds like she only said she didn’t want her own old pics popping up because of bad memories—not that she’d necessarily have an issue with YOU keeping old pics. So, maybe it won’t be anything to have to worry about.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 07:45 PM
2

At the moment, I don’t have any plans to delete pictures of me and my STBX from social media. She was a huge part of my life for decades, and I can’t—and don’t want to—erase that. Are you sure this will be an issue for your new partner, though? Has she said something more than what you posted that would indicate it might be?
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 02:46 PM
5

Welcome to the club. It’s a shitty club to belong to, but you’re not alone; countless men have been blindsided like this. I’m one of them. I only briefly put up a defense when my wife wife told me. For a few days I encouraged her to consider other options, then I accepted that the marriage was over. Because one thing I know about women—taught to me, funnily enough, by my STBX years ago—is that when a woman’s done, she’s done. They almost never change their mind. I also didn’t spend any time aski…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 02:31 AM
2

Your description of your new gf made me laugh. Congrats on the happy ending, man!
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 07:35 PM
1

Hope today’s better, brother!
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 07:15 PM
2

You’ve gotten some good advice here. Some of it may be a TEENSY bit biased (a lot of guys here have been through hell and came out bitter), but I suspect you know that. My situation was that my wife told me a couple of months ago that she was filing for divorce, and it was COMPLETELY out of the blue from my side. I knew we had some issues, but I didn’t think any of them were big enough to be dealbreakers. The first two weeks were rough. I was in a fog. Thankfully I had a Xanax prescription with …
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 11:05 PM
3

My wife was the one who filed for divorce. I asked my attorney if I should move out of our house during the process. She said, “Absolutely not. You weren’t the one who wanted this.”
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 10:41 PM
10

Plenty of guys here can give you inspiration, but based on this post and a glance at your other ones it’s clear you need more than we can offer; you need professional help. Get your ass to a qualified therapist ASAP and start working on yourself. Partners can be amazing and can enrich our lives, but every one of us is a fully-formed human who can thrive independently if we need to.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 10:36 PM
4

I don’t have an answer for you because I’m not dating yet. I’m dreading using the apps when the time comes, especially since I’m well into middle age. I’m in good shape, objectively decent looking, professionally successful, and have a likable personality—yet I’m prepared for the apps to hurt my feelings. My women friends insist that I have to try them, though, and they want to curate my profiles. So I’m going to put myself in their hands, and we’ll see what happens. I intend to manage my expect…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 09:53 PM
9

I would encourage you not to have the mindset that “the last 7 years basically meant nothing.” If anything good came out of that time, then the time meant something for both of you. The relationship’s ending doesn’t negate this.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 04:48 PM
2

Well said! “I am only real in the context of a relationship” is a mindset we should all work hard to avoid.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 04:15 PM
9

She didn’t keep it? I thought those were typically treated as gifts owned by the recipient in a divorce. I’m not counting on my STBX giving hers back, although we haven’t talked about it. As for my own band… The cash from a sale would be nice, but I have a feeling I’ll end up keeping it for sentimental reasons. After three decades, I hate to let it go. It’s an important part of my past.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/26 02:53 PM
3

Damn, brothers. Let’s not do this to ourselves! We aren’t destined for a life of loneliness just because the person we thought was our forever love broke our heart. Humans are amazing creatures, and we’re absolutely capable of loving multiple people—even simultaneously. I can’t imagine ever not loving my STBX in some way. We were together for decades—well over half our lives. We’ve been through countless good times and bad together, and love like that doesn’t just end like turning off a light sw…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/26 02:50 PM
7

There’s no doubt in my mind that social media is playing a role in women getting divorces in cases where marriages lack abuse or infidelity and could potentially be saved if effort were put in. I see it in my own social media feeds, particularly on TikTok. Countless posts from women who “glow up” after their divorce, and whose divorce was caused by nebulous complaints about things like an imbalance of “emotional labor”. These posts get huge numbers of likes from other women, and the comment sect…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/26 02:35 PM
1

No kids here, but I’m doing my best to keep the house in our divorce proceedings. I’ve crunched the numbers, and know what the maximum alimony amount is for me to be able to afford it. The mortgage is a low-interest steal; I have a four-bedroom house for what I’d pay for a nice two-bedroom apartment (although an apartment obviously wouldn’t have the upkeep expenses). But more than that, I just love the house. It has the right amount of space—not too big, not too small. It backs up to woods, so I…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/26 11:02 PM
6

This is a good place for support, with the caveat that a lot of guys here are bitter and lonely. I’m on my way to joining the club. Hopefully everything will be wrapped up in a month or two.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/26 03:37 PM
1

I haven’t heard of that process. Is it state-specific? I can’t imagine that someone you were with for 1.5 years would be entitled to much of anything.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/26 02:26 AM
6

At the moment, I have no intentions of deleting social media pics of us or tearing up all the photographs. My marriage has been a huge part of my life for three decades. I’m sad it’s ending, but I’m not looking to erase my past.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 11:57 PM
1

I’m Gen X, so I’m guessing my matches will be with other Gen X-era and Millennials. Maybe that’ll make it easier.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 08:33 PM
1

I feel you! My STBX will be taking our dog when we physically split. It’s the right thing to do; the dog loves us both but prefers her, and she’s home full-time whereas I work full-time. But it’s sad to see our “pack” broken up. If my STBX stays in the same town as me, I’m sure I’ll periodically dogsit. But if she moves away, that’ll be it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 04:47 PM
6

I’m going to need a report afterwards. Not dirty details, but a high-level summary. I’ll be in the same boat at some point. I’ve only ever had sex with my STBX, and we were together for decades. It has been a looooong time since my last first time with someone, and I could definitely see myself having performance anxiety when the time comes. 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 04:41 PM
3

It’s good to see a man thriving. We need more of this here!
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 02:10 AM
1

Congrats on coming to an agreement without too much pain and time!
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 07:14 PM
3

Man, I get this. We’re still going through the process of negotiating a settlement, and I’d bet I’ve put more thought into my STBX’s future than she has. I’ve literally built a budget for her future separate living expenses to help me figure out what fair alimony would be because I don’t want her to be destitute. Mind you, she’s the one who asked for divorce, and it’s a no-fault situation. I really shouldn’t care about her future at this point. But we were a couple for over 30 years, and I still…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 02:34 AM
1

Sorry, man. I know it sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 04:09 PM
5

We were married nearly 30 years. When I think about the times that one of us complained to the other about them not meeting a need, 99% of the time it was her complaining about me—not me complaining about her. What could explain this? One possibility is that she was an exponentially better spouse than I was. Another is that she was significantly harder to please than I was. I lean towards the latter. Maybe there’s a woman out there somewhere who will be satisfied with a partner who’s kind, humor…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 02:32 AM
1

That’ll do it! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 02:25 AM
6

🤣
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 10:51 PM
10

My wife initiated, and I was caught completely off guard. There was no abuse, infidelity, or fighting. There was no “I’m thinking about divorce unless X, Y, and Z happen.” So from my side, it happened spontaneously. But I know that’s not true on her side; I’m sure this was a long time coming. I don’t know how long ago she made the decision, and I haven’t asked her. Honestly, I don’t want to know more. I’ve invested all the energy I care to invest in trying to keep her happy over the years, and I…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 10:50 PM
1

This is definitely a success story—thanks for sharing it! Although in my case, I’m guessing that after I pay alimony I won’t have more spending cash than I did before the divorce. 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 05:14 PM
3

May I ask how $6k was settled on? I’m guessing your income is pretty high. The idea of an ex getting $72k per year in unearned, tax-free income is wild—although my attorney has warned me that this range is a possibility for me (she called it a worst-case scenario). My goal in negotiations is for my STBX to not end up with more money than me on a monthly basis. So like if my net pay is $10k/month, I don’t want alimony to be more than $5k because that just seems unreasonable. We’re an “equitable d…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 04:23 PM
1

Yeah, that makes sense. With my employer, legal separation is the same as divorce in terms of health insurance—the spouse is required to either drop their coverage or switch to COBRA. My employer won’t subsidize premiums for a spouse who’s legally separated from the employee.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 04:14 PM
5

I’ve wondered about how this will work for me when I teach the point of dating again. I’m 53, but better looking than most of my peers because of good genes and years of taking care of my body. I’m going to struggle to be physically attracted to women my age who aren’t in similar shape, as shallow as that sounds. I’m willing to go 10-15 years younger, meaning 38-43, but I’ve wondered how many women in that age range would be interested in a 53-year-old divorcee. I have a good job (let’s not pret…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 01:42 AM
1

Sorry for not being clear. I mean that it sounds like you chose legal separation rather than divorce, and I was curious why.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 05:43 PM
2

I haven’t been in this sub long, but I quickly realized there are a lot of men here who have no sense of identity apart from their (ex-)wife. They were so enmeshed in their marriage that they literally don’t know what to do once it ends. This is incredibly sad. I love my STBX deeply. We’ve been a couple for over 30 years, and I mourn her decision to end our marriage. But I’m going to be okay. I have a life outside of being a husband. I have friends other than my wife. I have exercise and work ro…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 02:58 PM
2

Not to hijack OP’s thread, but may I ask why y’all chose separation?
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 02:43 PM
7

I canceled all of our streaming services shortly after my wife filed. It wasn’t to send a message, though; it was because we can’t be paying lawyers and Netflix at the same time. 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 02:35 PM
11

My STBX originally filed for separation (since changed to divorce). When I asked my attorney what I should do if my STBX asked me to leave the house she said, “Don’t. You’re not the one who asked for this. Why should you leave?”
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 04:49 PM
2

> “[M]any women in their 40’s have lost their minds” I’d say my STBX did that at her current age of 52 when she decided to blow up an amicable, completely workable marriage. 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 04:47 PM
2

It’s wild how many people don’t understand that remote work is work. It’s not time off to sit at home doing whatever you want, but it sounds like she’s treating it that way.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 03:57 PM
1

Yeah, my first thought was that there’s no way she should be doing what she’s doing right now. When my wife filed, the order basically froze us in place—neither of us is making any financial changes at the moment. Hell, we even both still live in a the same house!
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 03:54 PM
1

Good feedback—thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 03:45 PM
3

How did you go about meeting new people at your (our) age? As for your comment about making out… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about that since this divorce was sprung on me. I haven’t had a first kiss in around 34 years. I think I’m looking forward to that kiss, and just making out, more than anything else. The vision of that is a bright spot in an otherwise shitty situation.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 03:43 PM
1

Well, I HAD decent money. Once my assets are split and I’m paying alimony, I won’t (despite having a very good job). 🙈 Did you struggle with the decision to remarry? How long had it been since your divorce? Did you do a pre-nup this time?
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 03:40 PM
2

Oh, wow! You’ve been on quite a journey. Here I am dreading starting over at 53, but you’re doing it at 68! I’m an introvert as well, and that’s one reason for my dread. Forcing myself to get out and be around strangers so I can meet new people is my nightmare. At the moment, every single person in my friend group is someone I’ve met through work except for two (one’s a neighbor, and the other’s a friend of a friend I made through work). I’m not sure I know how to meet people outside of work. 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 03:38 PM
2

Do you think the woman you’re dating will be okay with keeping things as they are indefinitely, or will she eventually want to take things to “the next level” and move in? Good point about the definition of “success”. I’m mostly thinking about emotional success—being happy, or at least content. It seems like a number of guys are downright miserable long after their divorce, and that’s a sad prospect.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 03:33 PM
2

I could see having some fun with someone 15 years younger than me, but I don’t know how that would go long-term. I think ten years may be my max. But I’m also thinking… Why would someone in their late 30s be interested in someone who’s 53? Yeah, I’m reasonably handsome and in decent shape. I could run 10k with them, or hike up a mountain. But I’m still well past middle age, and no matter how good my genes and lifestyle I’m going to be losing my looks and physical abilities daily from here on out…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 03:31 PM
1

Thanks for this. Do you find that your desire to not get married again scares some women away? My thinking is that I doubt I’ll be looking for anything serious for a while, and I don’t know that I’d marry again (maybe, with a pre-nup). But I feel like that could be a dealbreaker for a lot of women who are looking for a traditional relationship and a ride up the relationship escalator. Most people (at least in U.S. culture) just expect dating -> exclusive dating -> engagement -> marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 03:22 PM
2

Great points! “The new you is still under construction” is especially good. Who am I as a single person after 30 years of being one woman’s husband? Am I radically different? Was marriage somehow holding me back from being my true self? Or am I basically the same person, just with a bit more freedom? All things I’ve got to figure out. And yeah… I’m trying to mentally prepare for the reality that we all have baggage at this stage. For example, I don’t have kids but am prepared for the fact that m…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 03:15 PM
3

This is solid feedback. No kids for me, either. My STBX also hasn’t worked for nearly a decade, and has chronic conditions that make it tough for her to. I’m prepared to lose half our accumulated wealth and pay through the nose for alimony. I have a sneaky feeling I’ll have to do that for the rest of her life based on the length of our marriage and her inability to work. Thank goodness I have a great job, but I won’t be living the lifestyle someone with my income otherwise could.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 03:27 PM
6

Yeah, I often look at my former classmates and am shocked to think we’re the same age. I have good genes, and those go a long way, but I’ve also spent decades taking care of my body. What I’m not sure of is what the dating pool looks like. You said it yourself: It’s rare for people in their 50s to be fit and healthy. That holds true for the women my age just as much as the men.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 12:48 PM
6

This is really encouraging. Thanks for sharing.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 09:46 PM
13

Not only did you make the ethical choice, but you may well have saved yourself a lot of trouble. What you don’t want is a pissed husband creating drama in your life.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 03:09 PM
3

The benefits of being single that you mention are the one positive thing I’m looking forward to as I go through an unexpected divorce. There are negatives to splitting up, but not EVERYTHING is negative. You mention feeling like you could never make your ex happy, but also that it wasn’t your responsibility. Same. My STBX clearly needs something I just haven’t ever been able to provide her. But the older I’ve gotten and the more I’ve learned, the more I’ve realized how many of us put WAY too muc…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 10:37 PM
1

Holy cow! What’s preventing you from moving from separation to divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 09:14 PM
1

I get it. I had to put down $6k for my attorney, and I’m guessing my wife had to put down a similar amount for hers (she has her own bank account that I don’t have access to, so I can’t say for sure). And yeah, it’s terrible to have to spend this kind of money at a time when there are so many other new expenses (moving, buying new stuff for a second home, maybe a rental with first and last month’s rent plus a security deposit, and so on). All I can do at this point is to hope my STBX and I can c…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 08:49 PM
2

I may be in the minority on this, but I recommend an attorney even if you think you’re in agreement on how the split will work financially. Obviously this will cost money, but it needn’t necessarily be a fortune if things go smoothly. My attorney required a $6,000 retainer, which hurt. But if we keep the billable hours low, I get back some portion of that. It’ll cost me a minimum of $2,000, though, even if everything goes quickly and smoothly. When you file for divorce, she’ll be required to fil…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 02:00 AM
6

Lots of good advice here. One thing I’ll add as someone who’s going through a surprise divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage: Be prepared for both of you to change. I don’t mean because either of you is hiding your true self from the other. What the two of you see now may genuinely be your true selves. But who you are at 30 isn’t who you’ll be at 40, and who you’ll be at 40 won’t be who you’ll be at 50, and so on for your entire lives. What happens when the two people who married are no long…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 07:48 PM
1

Yeah, for years I’ve heard about the stereotypical clueless guy who was unaware his marriage was in shambles until his wife sprang it on him. I definitely never thought that would be me. I knew my wife and I had had sort of an unusual dynamic for a while, but it wasn’t unbearable and I thought that was just our version of normal. I absolutely could’ve kept on living with it; it was safe and comfortable for us both. I’m truly shocked that my wife found the situation to be so bad that she’d rather…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 01:48 AM
6

I read something a while back—before I had any clue a divorce was in my future—talking about the concept of a “failed marriage”. The author argued that just because a relationship ends before someone dies doesn’t mean it “failed”. If anything good came out of the relationship—maybe kids, or memorable experiences, or personal growth, or whatever—it wasn’t a failure. That really stuck with me, and now that I’m in the midst of a surprise divorce I’m really glad I read it. I’m very disappointed that…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 08:06 PM
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