I talk a tough game

fixingmedaybyday · 2024-08-18T06:23:57+00:00

I cried daily for almost a year after the divorce. Full body sobbing like I haven’t experienced since I was a kid. It’s normal to have feelings, regardless how much we’ve been taught to “man up”. Just feel them. Lay in your bed and cry until you fall asleep, even if it in the mid afternoon. Your body needs a chance to mourn this too.

Just observe the thoughts and feelings, label them and let them be. Don’t let them drive your decisions. Don’t make any permanent actions on temporary solutions. I’ll be honest, I had to avoid cliffs and high places for a while. Therapy and a support group and a really great friend helped me say the things I needed to and to peel off all the layers of hurt the divorce caused.

I’m 3 years out and I’m still sad about it at times. The fun and wild times are there, but I’d rather be back in my home with my family. Anyways, hang in there man, it has gotten better and I no longer cry for her and can enjoy myself.

dudefromyork · 2024-08-15T12:05:34+00:00

I don’t think anyone says that it’s easy. But for most of us the outcome is ultimately for the best.

Personally I had 2 years in therapy. And was a horrible mess for about 9 months. But I’m 4 years out and pretty much the most content I have ever been.

I think the message I’d take from this sub would be “it will be better one day, keep going”

MrCleanWI · 2024-08-13T21:45:49+00:00

Our divorce finalized on a Wednesday and the house closed on a Friday. I was a total mess that week, too many emotions at one time. Divorce sucks no matter how you look at it. I am no tough guy, it hurt and it still hurts

samk002001 · 2024-08-13T18:49:44+00:00

I was curling up like a ball sobbing on my kitchen floor when I saw my son’s room got cleaned up after she moved out! My brother had to come to my house just to make sure I’m okay and not being stupid or crazy! We all been there, and I want you to know you’re not alone.

THX1138-22 · 2024-08-13T17:48:06+00:00

Cutting away the dead flesh hurts, a lot, but it is the only way to ultimately heal. So yeah, many of us cried and hit rock bottom like you are doing now. But many of us have slowly started to heal. It just takes time and making the right choices.

hogger303 · 2024-08-13T17:43:59+00:00

You are sad & weeping because you are mourning the person you THOUGHT your wife was, and all the hopes and dreams attached to her.
Sadly, your wife was/is not that person.
The pain will get easier over time but it will never completely go away.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-08-13T16:21:59+00:00

I believe people are saying on this page that when they offer advice, they share what they have learned from their own experiences. The advice is usually valuable because it comes from the collective wisdom of many people over many years of dealing with breakups. For example, when my DDay (discovery day of infidelity) happened over 27 years ago, there was no Reddit, no computers, no internet as we know it today, and no mobile phones. If someone found out about cheating, it was usually by accident or through word of mouth. There was no Reddit Divorce page where you could ask for help. People had to figure things out independently, just like you are doing now, even if they managed to salvage most of their belongings.

Losing a loved one or discovering infidelity can feel like losing a part of yourself, and it will always be painful. However, these days, you can access information online and seek advice from others. This can create the illusion of being solid and unaffected, but it's just a facade to protect yourself from further hurt by the person who cheated on you.

As everyone has been trying to help you move forward, it's clear that nobody thinks it's easy and that you won't feel anything. It's only natural to feel hurt and sad after experiencing such a loss. This community is here for you, so you sought advice from us.

tomsnow164 · 2024-08-13T16:18:36+00:00

You just served her. No matter how long you’ve been split it’s just a pause in the process and a pause in you moving past and healing. I’m at a year and a half after a pretty fast divorce. And I can tell you it is way better over here. Was every moment? No. But have they gotten significantly better to the point where it rarely even bothers me? Absolutely. And my situation is pretty bad.

It’s not tough talk it’s the truth, just like you know you can lift more than 100lbs if you’d get your head out of the way. This is the same get through it, enjoy the sadness as long as you need to but one day you’ll look around and say “why am I actually sad? This isn’t me” and then you’ll start kicking butt again.

But seriously it sucks if you can only bench a hundred pounds in each hand, you’ll get back to the big numbers brother.

volkss · 2024-08-13T16:16:01+00:00

I had always heard of the stages of grief, but what nobody tells you is that they aren't chronological. The different stages will come and go. Sometimes a couple of them will visit at the same time and others will drop in when you least expect it. It gets easier with time. Take it easy on yourself. This is a major moment in life and it's ok to be down. Just know that there will be ups again too.

Character_Log_3051 · 2024-08-13T16:07:56+00:00

It's better on the other side, head up always. Don't look to next week look months down the line. Focus on your own health and well being grow ur hobbies and passion further ur own self as a person seek therapy or some sort of physical out put and in time you will be whole again.

TheDude7891 · 2024-08-13T16:06:09+00:00

Once you rip off that Band-Aid man that healing process though...... Make sure you don't date for a while you must heal that was the one thing I didn't do and I made my current relationship a little harder than it should be. But I think we'll make you got this pimp best of luck.

InterestingBanana269 · 2024-08-13T15:41:03+00:00

As you can tell from all the comments so far, we have all been there, man. Completely normal. I'm a 58M, and my ex cheated and lied, so I pulled the plug on our 32 year marriage. And yet, on the day that she signed the agreement as well as the day I got the notification that the courts accepted it... I still felt incredibly sad. I didn't regret doing it, because I knew it was the right thing in the long run, but it was a moment to mourn what had been a huge part of my life.

The key is don't wallow in it. Feel it, cry it out, then take a big breath and go do something that makes you feel good. Take a walk, a run, a bike ride...whatever. Get out in some sunshine and just let yourself feel something positive.

Here's a great song that I found that helps me turn my mood around if I'm ever thinking too much about the past. Hope it gives you a boost.

https://youtu.be/1koS0t8t5_s?si=ojSDTusNsTKnp4gk

And, as far as the bench press stuff... it's a marathon not a sprint. I have been making small changes to my habits and working up to more physical activity. I couldn't do 5 good pushups when I started, never ran, etc. I'm now getting up every morning early, doing 20-30 pushups everyday, as well as squats, planks and some dumbbell work. I run a couple times a week and have run a 5K (and didn't die!).

I read the book "Atomic Habits" by James Clear, and it is a great practical guide for how making small incremental changes to your habits will make huge changes in your long term outcomes.

Good luck.... you got this.

DetroiterInTX · 2024-08-13T15:04:11+00:00

All these emotions are perfectly normal. And while they will ease off and pass, there is a good likelihood they will resurface, and that is ok. With time, we learn how to manage them and use them to grow.

No-Marsupial1823 · 2024-08-13T14:39:17+00:00

I hear you loud and clear. Everyday is a battle for me not to call, try to reconcile, to not check her social media etc. I’m just at a point where I’m just telling myself to leave it alone and it hurts like hell. After 20yrs and all that we’ve been through I can’t believe it’s over. But I will say that even though I’m still grieving and hurting that it has gotten a little bit better as I don’t hurt as bad as I did in the beginning. I’m just hoping as more time goes by it goes away completely. Good luck bro

mrk177 · 2024-08-13T13:51:44+00:00

It fucking sucks, it’s hard. When you have a life you built with someone comes crumbling down the thought of rebuilding seems like an impossible or daunting task. It’s been 3 years for me and I find myself just livid because we get a long so well now. It’s like why couldn’t we make this happen when we were together.

I think it’s important to embrace the shitty moments, ugly cry it out, feel sad, feel depressed or whatever feelings you have. It’s the best way for those emotions to run their course. It also helps you appreciate the good times when they roll around.

Sorry you’re going through a hard time. Remember nothing lasts forever. The worst it sucks now the better it will be when you start moving past this shit. Good luck

Slowloris81 · 2024-08-13T12:53:30+00:00

I think it is toughness to go through it while recognizing the anguish. Like getting surgery without anesthesia. I think doing what is right for you and the kids while feeling the pain is a sign of strength not weakness.

NorthBoy_9012 · 2024-08-13T11:04:29+00:00

I had a panic attack at work yesterday, and tried to walk down a 75 yard hallway, and lost my vision several times. There’s a small patio out of the office building where I cried. I’m one of the toughest MF’ers in this planet, but cashing in 25 years, with a woman who I still love, but who will always be in thrall to her f’d up family - is devastating. Thank you for sharing, and this is an awesome group of men. Yes, I read the other posts here. Start with 3 pushups. Start with 1. Add 1 every 3 days. Walk for 10 minutes, next week 15. In 2019 my dr said I would have to go on insulin, 13.1% blood sugar. Today I’ve lost 79 lbs, and have kept if off for 4 straight years - I had someone tell me yesterday, “You’re 54? No way” - I’m fit as a MF fiddle. Hang, in there and rebuild, straw by straw. Cry, rage, be gloomy. But after 45 minutes, call everyone you know, and invite yourself uninvited to get out of your house, believe, live, try - and don’t ever give up on yourself!

21YearsofHell · 2024-08-13T07:14:49+00:00

“It’s always darkest just before the Dawn”

Reflog1791 · 2024-08-13T06:50:31+00:00

Keep grinding brother. Start with 5 push-ups then jack it up to 25.

Make them good push-ups. Slow and steady. Yeah you’ll have a night of tears here and there just stack 3 days of push-up warrior mode in between. Start imagining what your new life is like. Make a bulletin board with magazine clippings if you have to.

Useful-Living418 · 2024-08-13T05:27:27+00:00

This is a great group. I need that support as well.

NeverEndingConquest · 2024-08-13T05:16:27+00:00

My mans. Message me. I was right there where you were just weeks ago and after some hard core focus 🧘 in the right areas, I’m right as rain now, and, my enthusiasm for future me is through the roof. I’m having a wildly fun time, just on the other side of formally divorced. I’ll help you. Message me.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-08-13T03:34:47+00:00

We feel you, brother. No game face required here.

HailkingCesar · 2024-08-13T03:16:02+00:00

Hang in there brother, regardless of all the shit they put us through and the fights and the emotional nightmares there was good times buried in there so at the end. We’re going to feel no matter how macho we pretend to be . Treat it like a death , grieve and move on.

Hope it helps! stay blessed

Ancient-Homework7557 · 2024-08-13T03:12:33+00:00

Hang in there man! I severed mine almost six months ago and I was a fucking mess! 17 years. Gone. Crushed. I thought I was going to have a heart attack several times a day for months. But I came to the realization that if I didn’t do it. She’d grind me into the ground and I probably would have a cardiac arrest! Yet I still get upset sometimes. (And she was awful and I still loved her anyway!) riddle me that shit Batman!? It’s normal man. It’s alright to feel like shit. It’s called grief. You Will Get Through It. Ride those waves. The high ones and the low. The men and their stories here have helped me greatly. But like everything else in life. It’s up to us to do the work. That’s why YOU served her. You’re willing to do the work that needs to be done. No one will do it for us. Cry. Be pissed. But keep your head up. The sun will rise tomorrow.

Kaladin805 · 2024-08-13T02:17:08+00:00

I mean, it’s only been 4 months into my divorce and I’m still broken. Worst thing I’ve ever been through, I don’t bench much more than 100 lbs, and my emotional fluctuate like crazy. Still cry in the shower. The point is we still need to do the things that are best for us even while feeling like shit. Even when there’s no hope or motivation. By doing the things that benefit us in these times we build resilience, courage, and confidence. Which helps us, at least me, move on. Slowly, very slowly, but I’m moving. And that actually feels as good and rewarding as anything I’ve ever done. I thought I wasn’t tough but I am. And so are you if you slowly keep moving forward, even after getting pushed back. You can do it. Life is a gift and everyone only gets their own. It can still be special even if it doesn’t seem like it.

Boomhower113 · 2024-08-13T01:42:39+00:00

Dude, we all broke down to a blubbering mess at some point. I’m just glad there wasn’t video going each of the times I did. I mean it was ugly there for a while. I broke down watching random YouTube videos on the regular for about 3 months. Fucking nutcase.

You miss the life you had. Jesus H. Christ do I get that. But, what you’ll realize is that while you miss the life, you won’t miss the girl in the long run. You may miss the original version of her, but you now know that was an act. That wasn’t the real version of her. That was her bait.

Give it a minute. Mourn that life you had. It’s worth mourning. But, it’s gone. No coming back. After a while, you’ll start to look forward to a new life, whatever that brings. It takes a while but you’ll get there.

And, if she was a raging bitch while you were married, stand the fuck by. She’s about to show her true colors during the divorce process. It’ll be Cunt-A-Mania 5000 after she gets the papers. Let her act like that to her own detriment. You stay the course. You will absolutely not miss her after this is all done.

You’re good, bro. Cry all you need to and don’t feel bad about it. You’ll survive this. Just keep checking in here and talk to your buddies around town as often as you can.

EDIT: Find a Life Coach in your town. He needs to be a guy. Those guys are like fucking gold. See him every two weeks and bitch at him and not your lawyer. It’s cheaper. He can help guide you through this whole process because he’s talked to a hundred dudes just like you.

My guy is basically like having a redneck buddy driving a shitbox pickup that just says, “Hell yeah, brother! You’re fuckin’ awesome!” to everything I tell him and it’s exactly what I need.

pooptartone · 2024-08-13T01:40:23+00:00

Man it’s so tough. I have my days that are hard. I’ve been separated/divorced for 7 months and it is not easy. I go weeks where I don’t think about her or the divorce. Then I have my days where I’m so fucking lost and confused.

BanjoKfan64 · 2024-08-13T01:13:15+00:00

That’s how I’m handling my Divorce too…every break up I ever had before my wife. I would always be a dick and try to one up my Ex or make her jealous or act like I didn’t care.

But my Wife was different and honestly my Wife was a really verbally abusive person and basically just liked the idea of a husband and didn’t like me at all. She also put me down a lot. So when she wanted a divorce, even though there are so many positive impacts of her gone. I never played the ego card or tried to do anything bad or make her Jealous at all since separation because I was married to this woman and did a lot of things, she’s been cruel this past week too. I just couldn’t do anything mean or bad….it’s hard man. Basically our wedding day and the house we now have to sold means nothing. So I def understand where you’re coming from. Like I don’t want some Hot new GF or anything right now. I don’t want to make her sad or jealous. I just want to live and hopefully still have a good life ahead of me

beezo123 · 2024-08-13T01:05:09+00:00

"pure hell"? lol. I am guessing this was the correct move for you... Mine was only mild hell..

Least_Winter9632 · 2024-08-13T01:02:39+00:00

Nobody here will tell you it was easy, or without much pain. But there is a brighter side, with peace and freedom after you have gone through the horrors of it all

karavan7 · 2024-08-13T00:31:06+00:00

Mourn your loss. Nothing is forever. Taking a loss hurts and makes you strong.

SomeVeryTiredGuy · 2024-08-13T00:29:20+00:00

Progress isn't a straight line. Sometimes you'll only move an inch. Sometimes you'll take a few steps back. That's all ok. Just keep your eye on the finish line.

stupididiot78 · 2024-08-13T00:28:58+00:00

My ex and I split up on this date 2 years ago. This journey has been complete hell. I don't the current version of her back but I do miss the idea of her. I miss having a spouse and best friend. I've made a few friends since then that I go do stuff with but then I go home alone. I'm working a lot but I'll never recover financially. Also, I don't want to have to work a lot. I'm constantly either angry or sad. I don't want this life. I want someone that has known me since I was a teenager to hang out and explore with.

Illustrious-Wave-623 · 2024-08-13T00:27:47+00:00

hell, pure hell

Sums up my relationship, and mine still hurt too. Hopefully we can both get through this.

First-Bid8895 · 2024-08-13T00:19:04+00:00

You're being honest and vulnerable. That is good. You have to let it out and process it. That is healthy. Divorce is a nightmare. I'm 1.5 years in. It comes in waves. I'm tough I got this/next minute I'm sad. Depression is thinking the sadness will never end. It will. I truly believe it will. It will get better. I've been divorced before and it's a distant memory. Keep making steps in the right direction.

engineered-chemistry · 2024-08-13T00:15:09+00:00

Everyone has weak moments, days, weeks or sometimes months. We are human and grieving is part of the process. You can’t drive forward looking in the rear view mirror. The person you married is not the person you are divorcing. Remember that.

iSurvivedltd · 2024-08-13T00:13:24+00:00

It’s all good brother. We have all been there. You will be fine. This is part of your journey.

Just remember these points:

The woman you married is not the woman you are divorcing
You have a brotherhood of about 26k men. You are not alone.
You can leave the toilet seat up and nobody is gonna nag you 😂😂😂

Stay strong brother and we are here for you.

Cheers 🍻

Title	I talk a tough game
Author	Flashy-Excitement247
Upvotes	118
Comments	75
Date	August 13, 2024 12:04 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1eqtlgb/i_talk_a_tough_game/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-talk-a-tough-game.1527144 https://theredarchive.com/post/1527144

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