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THX1138-22 Archive

View 9 posts and 396 comments by THX1138-22 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

Thanks for explaining. You wrote that when you say "no marriage" what you meant to say is "no marriage without a prenup". It also seems as if avoiding co-owned property is another protection you would like to use against being fleeced by the state. Since most women over 50 already have a house, this means you either live-apart-together (LAT) and you each have your own domicile, or she sells her property and moves in with you (and pays you rent--this is rare; most women will refuse to pay rent), …
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 07:26 PM
1

Thanks for clarifying; I hadn’t realized there was a preference for small companies. I thought that most companies seek to grow to become monopolies since that maximizes profit. To prevent companies from becoming monopolies, you need government regulation, though. I understand that some libertarians feel that it is govt regulations that encourage monopolies, but I would push back against that with the example of the Apple App Store—I am not aware of any govt regulation that led to the formation …
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/25 11:53 AM
5

I think higher quality relationship partners are generally seeking marriage so you may be limiting yourself to a lower quality partner. This then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy: one refuses to marry, so you meet less stable and lower quality partners, and that reinforces the belief that there are no quality partners out there…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/25 03:26 AM
1

Fair point--I should be more precise: you will "probably" lose your child.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 07:13 PM
2

I thought as a libertarian you prefer that the government not be involved in things. But corporations are just as bad, aren't they? They also pretend to have a "good goal" and then engage in nefarious and underhanded dealings to optimize the wealth of the leadership (such as lobbying, or donating to "presidential inauguration campaigns", etc.) https://www.wsj.com/tech/mark-zuckerbergs-meta-donates-1-million-to-trumps-inaugural-fund-32a999c1
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 06:59 PM
4

The statements you’ve made can be applied for pretty much everything: healthcare, education, jails, religions, etc. Humans are humans and we are self-interested and want to do as little work as possible. Every organization has some type of “good goal”: educate kids, heal patients, justice for victims, etc. But humans run these organizations and they use the “good goal” as a smokescreen for bad behavior. It is helpful to be a little cynical, but too much cynicism can lead to despair and depressio…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 01:28 PM
0

Here is my train of thinking: If you are divorced, 53% of fathers live separate from their kids. If you live separate from your kids, you have about one hour a week with them (as compared to 7 if you live with them). If you spend less time with your kids (i.e. 1 hr/wk) your relationship with them becomes weakened. A weak relationship increases the likelihood you will lose them.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 01:20 PM
-1

Here’s some data: “Time diary data suggest that non-resident fathers spent an average of 0.6 hours (36 mins) per week with their children in 2021/2022, compared with 7.8 hours per week for fathers who live with their children. Estimates from a traditional survey asking about frequencies of specific activities of fathers with their children also suggest that fathers who live with their children are more involved in their children’s lives than non-resident fathers. Whether or not a father lives ap…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 12:33 PM
0

Divorce is worse than you can imagine. You will lose your child. Unless she is abusing you, find a way to make your marriage work.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 10:48 AM
1

Good luck-I hope it works out for both of your sakes
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/25 01:24 AM
2

Join clubs and go. Sign up for things you normally wouldn’t do. Don’t overthink this and fall into analysis paralysis.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 05:35 PM
1

Sorry you are going through this-what are you going to do to fix this problem?
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 05:31 PM
7

Menopause is associated with significant declines in relationship satisfaction (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38312762/)
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 01:11 PM
5

Menopause can lead to a loss of empathy which can be devastating for relationships: “Neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, MD, discusses this in The Female Brain, writing, “She’s less interested in the nuances of emotions; she’s less concerned about keeping the peace...she’s less inclined to be as attentive to others’ personal needs....there’s a new reality brewing in [the brain], and it’s a take-no-prisoners view.” from https://www.joinmidi.com/post/menopause-anger You can’t mention it to her. Y…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 12:59 PM
5

You haven’t provided enough information for us to answer. Why and how much did you send her and how long have you known her?
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 12:57 PM
1

Thanks for the kind words and I wish you good luck too!
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 01:38 PM
9

You should work with a sex therapist and reconcile. Sex 2-3 times a week is more than you will find in the dating world. A minor concern is that you are going to have to pay for all the dates so each hookup is going to cost you more than a 100. The main reason to stay, though, is your new baby.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/25 01:49 PM
1

Good for you that you did this. So many men, myself included, were simps about this and didn’t get a prenup.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/25 12:25 PM
2

I'm sorry to hear that things are still rough. Kids definitely go through a stage where they pull away, from like ages 14-25 or so, and then they may return...or not. I'm trying to continue to reach out and make an effort (texting, calling, inviting them to do things), and they ignore or decline most of the time, but I try not to let it hurt me. Instead, I feel that the fact that I keep trying is the proof to me that I am a good father. One thing that helps me stay sane is that I imagine as if I…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 07:56 PM
1

Well, you can see that it worked for NewDay.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 07:35 PM
1

I'm really glad for you that it worked out. I've heard that women try to get them thrown out by claiming that they didn't have enough time to review, or that they did not have their own independent lawyer--did she try those tactics, or was there something else she tried?
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 07:32 PM
1

Did the prenup help with the divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 01:22 PM
2

Thank you for thoughtful reply. It sounds like you have done a lot of soul searching and understand who you are and what you want. That is an important gift. You should be proud of that. I wish you happiness on your journey
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 03:06 AM
5

There are two key steps. You need to practice them several times a day for them to become a habit: Learn to detect when the deep anger starts to arise. The faster you detect it, the sooner you can stop it. Take five breaths, focusing only on the breaths, before you say or do something. If you are with other people, you can move your head, or move your eyes around the room so they know that you are reflecting. That is the "power of the pause". It can become your secret weapon. It accomplishes two…
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 11:05 PM
1

That’s helpful advice. For many men who are afraid to say no because they are worried they’re going to lose a woman, helping them to understand that saying no can be attractive might empower these men to be more successful in the long run. It can be a delicate balance for the man to be 80% in the masculine role and still let relationship decisions be 50-50. I think there’s a simple secret to doing this, though. It goes like this: First, The man states what he wants to do. Second, He then asks hi…
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 10:22 PM
1

Men do receive a lot of “advice” from the Internet (blogs, social media, well meaning self-help articles) that tell men that they should avoid mansplaining and being too dominant or showing leadership in a relationship because that is toxic masculinity. As a result, I think that many men have over corrected and become submissive without realizing how much it harms relationships. The challenge is finding a female partner who welcomes a strong male partner. Most women I’ve met on the dating sites.…
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 10:11 PM
11

Good for you that you have been able to sustain a healthy and supportive relationship with him despite all the shit from his ex. I’m sorry that there are some nasty comments being written on this forum in response to your post; there are a lot of hurt people here and that makes us reactive and overly judgmental.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 02:41 PM
2

Just reaching out to ask, a year later, how things have gone? I hope you are in a better place.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 02:15 PM
1

That’s really great-I hope you have found a keeper and I wish you both success in this relationship!
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 01:07 PM
3

Wow-that is really insightful of her. The concept of men and women being different (ie feminine energy and masculine energy) is awkward for many women to acknowledge because it goes against feminism.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 12:48 PM
3

It's great that you learned from that prior experience. As you point out, we need to be aware of when we are ceding control--it was just my default behavior in my marriage. My current girlfriend also does try to promote her power at times. I think it is something all people do--they are constantly exploring the boundaries of how far they can push things. I can't blame them for that--we all want to have more control of the people around us. I think what I'm learning is that when I surrender on sm…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 11:32 PM
1

Have you found any helpful ways to avoid falling into this trap again? has it happened to you in later relationships?
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 07:42 PM
2

I think this is the key challenge--walking that line between being a "nice guy" and a "bad boy". I think some helpful advice is practicing short responses that we can learn to automatically use--the one that I find really helpful, whenever she asks me for something, is to say: “Let me think about that and I'll get back to you by...” Even if I end up agreeing with her request, the fact that I am asking for time is showing her that I can take agency and have a sense of autonomy. I just need to rem…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 07:41 PM
3

I have given this a lot of thought. I applaud you for taking action to try to create something to support men. The sad reality, though, is that these programs generally don’t exist because men do not make an effort in the first place to engage with these programs. You’re building something helpful, and there’s a lot of evidence to support that it will help men, but the big unknown question is this: will men in need reach out to seek your help? Historically, we failed to do that. So in some ways,…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 01:30 PM
7

Men tend to turn inwards during a divorce because it is so painful and shaming. That is slowly changing so hopefully services like what you described will exist in the future
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 11:29 AM
1

I’m really glad to hear that you will be talking to your department therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 04:49 PM
2

I’m sorry you are going through this. It happened to me too. You NEED to see a therapist. Suicide rates for men after a divorce are 5-8x higher than women. Get help. Most of the replies are telling you to go to the gym. Sure, that may help, but if you are struggling this much, you need to talk to someone—barbells are not good conversationalists. There are a lot of low cost options out there, including online programs with therapist like betterhelp. If you can’t afford that, at least try a free A…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 02:57 PM
2

Most likely, you will regret not having kids. Research shows that about 60% of people without kids regret their choice not to have kids, while only about 7% of people with kids regret having them. The big question is whether your current girlfriend is the one to have kids with. She has the biological clock ticking--you don't. You have more time. That being said, even though you can father a kid in your 60s, your sperm has more genetic mutations as you get older and your children are more likely …
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 09:33 PM
6

This video is a great synopsis of the 6 strategies a person can use to manipulate you and the way the man reacts—not swayed and focused—is amazing. https://youtu.be/XatLfLQ7G68?si=3R5pgQSW34ljP7FE This should be required watching for every young boy.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/25 07:04 PM
2

Thanks--I found Gatekeepers to be great and I recommend it to everyone.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 07:21 PM
1

I haven’t read that one yet. Do you think they overlap a lot or are very different?
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 04:16 PM
4

Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn smith
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/25 10:02 PM
9

You are only losing half your money? Wow, you are lucky. I lost 65%. I had a good lawyer too, and spoke to several others who confirmed that this is what the courts would rule. And the kids are adults, so there is no child support involved--she got 65% of everything when you factor in asset split and future alimony. I would've been so happy with 50/50...
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 05:51 PM
5

Yes, I agree that he neglected to mention devotion to the emperor
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/25 02:36 AM
4

So true. I spent the majority of my marriage thinking that my ex-wife was "my better half" and that I was lucky to be with her. I was so wrong. Since the divorce, I have seen her true nature. It has taken years of reflection and therapy to realize how I was indoctrinated, brainwashed and manipulated by society into thinking that I was supposed to be her servant.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 07:09 PM
13

This podcast by PsycHacks discusses the concept of the “disposable man“. https://youtu.be/K0Ljd7mcbMQ?si=zux8hxDMry9jl3VX The key element here is that men have been conditioned by society to believe that their purpose in life is to be a servant to women. And that they should protect women at all cost. The video discusses Japanese kamikaze pilots as an example. In the past, I think this made sense because women did have an important role in society in regards to child rearing. 2/3 of the men in a…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 04:27 PM
1

MensWork by Connor Beaton. Once you are ready to start dating, then read the Gatekeepers by Shawn Smith.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 11:41 AM
13

Amongst the many reasons not to commit suicide, remember, if you commit suicide, she gets the kids 100% and all of your money (because you will probably leave it to the kids and she will be their legal guardian). She wins.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 01:34 PM
2

Interestingly, lesbian relationships have more abuse than heterosexual ones.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 12:17 PM
8

Red the Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn smith—it explains how to find high quality relationship woman as a man and avoid past mistakes
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 11:52 AM
8

You cannot really talk to a woman about your experiences as a man going through a divorce. The “women are victimized by men” mindset is very prevalent (even in some men), so even if you are abused by your ex, many people, especially women, will take her side.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 12:12 PM
2

OP thinks that if he tells her about his newfound riches, she will change her mind and cancel the divorce plans.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 05:14 PM
1

If you have kids, do what you can to avoid a divorce, even if it involves telling her about your money. Many partners are like this-financially focused. She’s not that unusual. You will be hard pressed to find anyone different who doesn’t care about money. Once you divorce, you will probably lose the kids. Unlikely in court, but probably later in life as they gravitate towards her and she manipulates them.money is not worth sacrificing your kids Consider yourself lucky that you have seen her tru…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 11:22 AM
1

I’m really sorry you are being treated this way. I think you should talk to a therapist to help learn how to push back
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 02:17 AM
4

You should watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t6qHBrGb44 In it, the commenter mentions that there are different styles of abuse--there is physical abuse, which is usually done by men, and there is mental abuse, which is typically done by women. He describes these strategies. Physical abuse is easy to detect, but mental abuse is more difficult, especially since men are conditioned by society to just put up with all kinds of shit. Futhermore, some people are good at playing the vic…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/25 06:51 PM
4

Good luck to you too—it’s not easy to break a lifetime of conditioning, but we can begin one small decision at a time.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/25 12:58 PM
18

“ on my admittance, I had terrible boundaries and was walked all over…” And that’s the key point. We let our wives do this to us. We gave them this power and surprise-they ran with it as far as they could. Can you blame them? If someone did all my work for me and gave me money for nothing and was a simp who settled for crumbs—of course I would take it, relax and enjoy myself. It’s just human nature. Our ex wives are spoiled in part because we spoiled them. They also probably leaned in that direc…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/25 09:37 PM
2

Why don’t you help us help you: what do you mean by “true love”? It means different things to different people
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 07:27 PM
5

That is a really thoughtful post and helpful links. It is up to OP if he actually follows any of the advice, though.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 02:46 PM
3

Take to your therapist about doing Sensate therapy. It allows you to have some degree of touch that may allow you to continue your marriage
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 02:19 AM
8

Is she going through perimenopause? Menopause is associated with significant changes in relationship satisfaction (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38312762/) It’s referred to as menopause related emotional detachment. I’m sorry you are going through this.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/25 11:19 AM
2

Just do a background search with a program like truthfinder.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 12:27 PM
5

Find a new purpose in life. Before, it was your marriage. That’s gone. Find something bigger than you that you can believe in and dedicate yourself to it. A man needs a purpose. Read Men’s Work (Connor Beaton) to begin this journey.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 02:27 AM
2

I wish you happiness and success on your journey
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 01:03 PM
3

If you are clear about what you expect from a partner and communicate that to them, if those wishes are reasonable (and the therapist can help you decide that), and she doesn’t do them and yet you still choose to stay, then you are enabling her. In that case, you have to take ownership that you are part of the problem.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 12:23 PM
1

Did you read the first part of OPs post? He mentioned that they are in therapy and he is doing most of the therapy work. So it seems pretty clear that he is indeed making that effort and doing more “compromising” than his wife
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 12:17 PM
1

I wish you and your husband good luck and a positive outcome
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 12:14 PM
0

She’s the one who is “bored” and unhappy and wants to leave-not him.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 12:13 PM
8

You mention "Yes, you can try to recapture the old spark from phase one, but she knows all your faults and baggage. She’s seen too much of you to be truly excited by you." While I agree with you that it is impossible to recapture the old spark and that part of it is because she knows you and you know her, I do think that there are hormonal factors at play related to menopause. Specifically, menopause can lead to "menopause-related emotional detachment"--as estrogen levels drop, a woman's ability…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 07:22 PM
4

I think you are the exception in that you turned down alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 06:58 PM
4

Read “gatekeepers” by Dr Shawn smith. Then examine how your relationship breaks every single suggestion he offers. Really take these lessons seriously. Then start over and apply this hard-learned knowledge to find a better partner.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 12:28 PM
2

I recommend using the book "MensWork" by Conor Beaton to help you with this work. It has helpful questions at the end of each chapter and will prepare you for the next phase of your life. He also has a useful podcast series. https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ I found it so helpful, I gifted copies to several people I know. If you plan to look for a new partner, I then recommend "GateKeepers" by Dr. Shawn Smith.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/25 04:42 PM
1

It’s dangerous to give someone everything they want. It’s called slavery. If you want your next relationship to succeed, you may want to explore a different approach. This podcast explains how to lead in a relationship with a reciprocal leadership approach https://youtu.be/Q94ZZgeSAvs?si=pa578qO3RkXU7s0Y
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/25 11:56 AM
3

I wonder if you should try to be more clear to her about what you need in the relationship? It sounds to me as if you are asking her to guess that you are unhappy because you are on anti-depressants (you write: "I figured that would be proof I need..." Have you tried directly telling it to her? Or perhaps explaining specific things she can do? For example, would you like her to give you more back massages? Then just ask her directly. Say "Hey, would you mind giving me a back massage right now? I…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 07:07 PM
2

I see that you wrote a comment in the past mentioning that your ex was a "he". It is possible, though, that you are male and gay, so you are welcome to correct me if I am wrong that you are female. "Need to hear the Harsh truth"? By calling him "an immature man child throwing a fit" Yeah, that is going to work well to help motivate and encourage him to change.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 07:01 PM
3

Why don’t you give OP some credit for acknowledging his mistakes? That’s more than most of the people I’ve met dating. The fact that he realizes he did something wrong is a really positive sign—now he knows what he has to work on. I see from your post history that you are a female. The comment you made to OP is hurtful. A lot of men on this forum have really been hurt and comments from male haters are not helpful. I think that comments from women on this form can be helpful, but comments from wo…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 12:07 PM
2

Sorry-you had mentioned “erase her”, so I thought that was your goal
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/25 02:17 AM
15

Here’s a skill I want you to practice: when you think about her, catch yourself and redirect your thoughts to something around you, like a tree, or something physical, like the feel of the steering wheel if you are driving. Keep your mind there for 10 breaths. Most likely, your emotion is sadness will start to weaken and pass, so you can get on with your life. Stop harming yourself by thinking of her.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/25 06:07 PM
1

I believe, with the benefit of hindsight, that I’ve made inaccurate comments in the past and I regret if they have hurt people unintentionally.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 02:50 PM
6

The book Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn smith describes how to do this and is a great read
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 11:50 AM
-1

Women do this (withhold sex) when they lose respect for their man. Their man gives them the “ick” because he is weak and subservient; Mother Nature has programmed women, over several hundred thousand years, to seek strong men who are good providers since women will be dependent on them during childrearing. A weak man will not be able to protect her against other men. Of course all that is nonsense in our modern world, but you can’t change our dna. Since toxic feminism (which is prevalent at univ…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/25 11:37 AM
3

You need to find a therapist who will give you concrete skills. Avoid the bullshit therapist which just ask you: how are you feeling today? Instead, each time you meet the therapist, describe a specific scenario with your wife and ask the therapist to tell you phrases that you can say back to her. Role-play with the therapist. Don’t waste your time discussing your childhood traumas and other distractions. For some reason, therapist love to talk about those things.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/25 03:08 PM
1

Yes, I found it so helpful to hear her perspective. And yes, she is a shill--everyone on Youtube is a shill; they are all selling something as "influencers". I also found Suzanne Venker to be interesting. I see that Bettina Arndt has some posts about the harms of woke agendas on relationships--I'll look into that. I have found myself wondering why this toxic feminist/misandrist agenda is so popular. I think blaming others for one's problems (externalizing blame) is something that humans naturall…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 05:07 PM
3

You may find this podcast interesting: https://youtube.com/@thehappywifeschool She describes many of the issues you bring up
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 12:35 PM
2

I’m not sure that AI companies can be trusted to limit the emotional connection of their AI software – – it is in their interest to make the software as empathic as possible. I think caregiving is biologically wired into women as part of their child breathing role that mother nature gave them. However, in future societies, as we’re seeing already in Japan and Korea, women are more likely to have a pet, like a dog or a cat, than a child. It is an interesting question whether men will have more ch…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 12:32 PM
4

It’s too bad you are getting so many negative comments. For some relationships, your advice may be helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/25 10:39 PM
3

Interesting perspective. AI has been shown to be more empathic than most therapist also. What do you think the world will look like if technology made women irrelevant, as you said? Will men just marry robots and women remain single, also marry robots or have lesbian relationships? Will the population decline? Or will women choose to only give birth to women so that men become a minority? (men are generally less interested in having kids than women)
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/25 10:38 PM
0

Yup, ltrs are hard, but I think OPs advice can help us be a little more successful
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/25 10:08 PM
1

Showing people the door whenever they disagree with you makes it unlikely that you will be in the same room as any other human being for more than 30 minutes. It’s a nice slogan, but not practical OP is saying that a man does not need to stress about a woman’s behavior and he provides a reasonable explanation why. By not reacting to the childish behavior as OP suggests, we help women learn that it won’t work with us. That’s more practical advice than showing everyone the door.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/25 10:06 PM
1

I’m not a lawyer, so everything I say should be double checked by a lawyer. But I also don’t charge $500 per hour!
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 05:22 PM
0

I'm sorry, but I respectfully disagree with you that "blame it on menopause" is overblown. Please read the references I cite. Of course there are cases where menopause doesn't matter, but there are also many where it does.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 03:44 PM
1

Thanks for sharing your perspective. My estate lawyer said that a trust was a good way to handle an inheritance I give my kids and explicitly allow the inheritance to be used for purchasing joint assets, like a house, while STILL keeping the inheritance independent of the marital estate (and thus not shared with the ex) because the trust explicitly states that any purchases, even a house, made from the trust funds are not considered joint marital assets. By agreeing to accept money from the trus…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 03:43 PM
18

"Processing"="strategizing and planning for the divorce". Sadly, any attempt you make at setting boundaries will be used by her, when she begins her smear campaign against you (saying bad things about you to the kids, family and your friends), and she will label them as examples of your "narcissistic behavior". My general sense is that for any relationship to work, each partner needs to be internally happy. They need to have their own friends, their own activities, etc. If one person is unhappy …
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 03:01 PM
6

Make sure to get a prenup. While they can be invalidated in certain cases, even having the basic discussion is helpful because it will allow you to understand her perspective. Here's how you do it: Ask ChatGPT to provide an overview of key concepts related to a prenup and include the unique circumstances that relate to your life. For example, maybe you will be inheriting some money in the near future. While ChatGPT may be wrong, it will help you learn about prenups and prepare to meet with a law…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 01:46 PM
5

Thanks for writing such a thoughtful and honest post. It is quite true that the more active and independent you are, the more attractive you are to women. However, if it goes too far, it can move over into the “avoidant” attachment style and lead to the ending of a relationship—it is a balancing act and one that I’ve also had to learn to navigate. It is hard to find a good therapist—most have bought into the “men just need to be more vulnerable “ mindset and the “men and women are just humans an…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 12:47 PM
1

What is she planning to do with them once you give them to her? Isn't it a bit hypocritical for her to scold you for wanting to keep them, and then for her to ask that you give them to her? Why does she get to keep them, but you don't? You are not even married anymore--she has no control over you or right to tell you what to do, or right to scold you. I hope you can see how the tone of your post suggests that you are still letting her control you. I've digitized all my photos and while I don't a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 04:03 PM
0

I’m sorry for what you are going through, but there are some positives. For one, Congratulations for being in a stable relationship for so long-it shows that both of you have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship—many people can’t make a relationship last even a few months. You probably also learned a lot about yourself and I hope you can use that to have a healthier relationship next time. I think exploring how to create a healthy blended family is likely your best bet since you have 7…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 12:58 PM
1

It is hard to find a group--you may need to create one yourself. But it is worth it. The moderators of this sub will allow you to create a post inviting others to join your group--I would first send them a message with some draft text, and then you can post it, and even if just 3 guys express interest, that is enough.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 04:24 PM
1

I would strongly disagree. When men have low libido, they are told to get hormone testing and can get hormone therapy too.
/r/PurplePillDebate19/03/25 08:07 PM
2

What you experienced is pretty common for many men. My wife did many of these things too. It's almost as if we were married to the same woman. I hope you are getting therapy and I would also recommend joining a divorced men's support group, or starting one of your own--it helped me a lot. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 05:43 PM
1

I was confused also, and part of that is because our society tells us the message that "women are right and men are the problem", which is absurd. I also was scared of my ex-wife, but part of that is because I had endured decades of her gaslighting and manipulation. I simply was unable to see it because of the bullshit "women are right and men are the problem" mantra. You need to start systematically exploring your feelings/attitudes and use objective criteria, as well as get the advice of other…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 01:43 PM
4

I’m sorry to be so direct, but there are a lot of internal contradictions in what you wrote. You “hold her in high regard” after all the things she did?
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 01:13 AM
0

Well, I think it is reasonable to state that natural hormone changes occurring in a woman’s body are not men’s fault. https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/25 05:45 PM
1

Ad hominem attacks are not productive. Of course I read the article.
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/25 11:59 AM
1

I agree with you. As you can see by some of the replies to my comments and OP (who is also trying to increase awareness of this tragic issue), many people are in denial of the role of hormones in relationships and that perpetuates this system that you decry.
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/25 11:57 AM
-1

The article explicitly states: “Seven in 10 women blame the menopause for their divorce or marriage problems”. So yes, many women feel hormonal changes played a role in their relationship ending and that is OPs point
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/25 11:56 AM
1

The article mentioned a 67% increase in arguments and domestic abuse related to menopause. Arguments and domestic abuse (note: both women and men engage in domestic abuse and the article does not say it was only domestic abuse by men) are often a precursor to a marriage failing. In fact, women are more likely to perpetuate domestic abuse than men: “Rates of female-perpetrated violence higher than male-perpetrated (28.3% vs. 21.6%)” https://domesticviolenceresearch.org/domestic-violence-facts-and…
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/25 11:51 AM
1

I’m sorry, but did we read the same article? The first thing it says is “Seven in 10 women blame the menopause for their divorce or marriage problems”. So yes, many women feel menopause played a role in their marriage ending
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/25 11:43 AM
0

https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/25 02:04 AM
–

https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/25 02:04 AM
0

Here’s a source: https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/25 02:04 AM
1

You should be worried. Fight for as much time as possible with your kids. Your wife will try to alienate them from you—it’s called parental alienation and can be subtle. You need to read up on it and be prepared for the signs/tactics. Often, women succeed and the children become alienated from the father, tragically. Also, Hire a family counselor to advise you, or she will sweep the floor clean with you. Most men just give up and start a new family, sadly.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 11:35 AM
9

I think hormonal changes are difficult for feminist to acknowledge. If the feminist mission is to show that men and women are equal, that requires making the case that women are stable. but if women’s behavior/moods/judgment skills/cognitive capacity are influenced by fluctuating hormones, that means that at some times of the month, or after menopause, women are functioning at a different, possibly impaired capacity. Here’s a quote from one research study: “ Across women, lower 17β-estradiol con…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 08:05 PM
2

Here’s the link: https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 12:08 PM
9

Here’s the menopause article on which almost 70% of women blame menopause for their divorce: https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 11:42 AM
4

Great advice-especially the point about asking your friends if they know someone who is divorced, and then reaching out to that person. Going through a divorce is such a traumatic event that even if you have little in common with another divorced person, the various unique aspects of going through a divorce. create a lot of topics for discussion. I also like the idea of just signing up randomly for things, even if you don’t know if you’re gonna like them. It was especially hard during the Covid …
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 12:31 PM
3

The great thing about new relationships is that you can just walk away. We couldn’t do that in our marriage, especially if kids were involved. If my partner gets upset, angry, I try to hear her out but I don’t argue. It’s just not worth it. If it goes too far, I just tell her I am not talking about this anymore. I give her the most wonderful gift a man can give an upset woman: I give her the gift of my absence. I typically loop back the next day once she’s calmed down and we can have a more thou…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 05:54 PM
9

Dating is work. Men have a 1-3% response rate, so you need to send out 100 likes to get one back. I sent out about 2000, I think, over about 2 yrs. I had about 2-5 dates a week. Dating is also expensive-almost all women expect you to pay. I think I spent about 7-10k to pay for their meals and mine. But, it worked. I was in several relationships that lasted for a few months, and after reading Gatekeepers by Shawn Smith, have now found a wonderful partner who is sexually generous, attractive, fun …
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 05:38 PM
20

She was externalizing her internal unhappiness and blamed you.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 02:05 AM
3

They live out of state, so it would've taken them a day or two anyway. But that is the reality of having adult kids--they often move away.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 07:43 PM
6

I got sick and had to go to the ER. I called my partner (we’ve been together for about a year) and she dropped everything and came to join me. She spent the day by my side. Fortunately everything was fine and the tests were negative. My adult kids love me, but they didn’t come. My friends are great, but they didn’t come. They did send text messages of encouragement She prioritizes me in her life and I prioritize her.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 11:44 AM
6

Read the Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn smith to learn the clues to find a good partner.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 12:05 PM
7

Bipolar is different than narcissist (who gaslight) and borderline personality disorder (who love you one minute then hate you the next—it’s called splitting). People understandably often confuse bipolar with borderline. Most likely she is a narcissist more than bipolar. The psychological approaches for these types differ, so you may want to research this more. It will just take you 5 min with ChatGPT.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 12:28 PM
1

Most of my guy friends are the same age. Several of our wives hit menopause around the same time and I think that contributed to a wave of concurrent divorces through the group. Those of us hit with divorce requests banded together and were like a support group to each other. My still married friends tried to help, but they had no clue and maybe even felt a bit nervous about the topic in general. I also found an online zoom group run by a therapist (since disbanded) It is best to find an in-pers…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 12:23 PM
4

Yes, it's true that there are many factors at play and menopause may not necessarily be relevant for a divorce. Here is an interesting article about it, though: https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 12:16 AM
12

Those two will likely divorce once the new husband runs out of money. Just focus on yourself, set goals and strive for them, be the best you can be, and be a role model and beacon for your kids. You’ll be the winner in the end, no matter what she does. Put her in your rear view mirror.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 02:00 PM
32

Marriage fails because we expect too much of it. In the past, we had a community around us. Because of being forced to move for jobs, that community is lost and the isolated “nuclear family” resulted. And it tends to implode. Social media has made it worse and women, who are more social than men, suffer from FOMO induced by social media. The reality is that nothing lasts forever. Most friendships end after a few years, we change most jobs after a few years, organizations/companies fold after 5-2…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 01:46 PM
2

That's an interesting question. If someone has a stroke, and it destroys the part of their brain that is responsible for empathy, and they become assholes, are they responsible for their actions? If a woman has a drop in estrogen, due to menopause, and estrogen is the hormone that supports empathy, and they become inconsiderate and lose empathy, is that also their fault? It is reasonable to say that there is a treatment for her condition--specifically, estrogen replacement therapy, and she is re…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 10:34 PM
6

Many of these traits can occur from personality changes due to menopause https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 01:30 PM
15

That seems so wrong that you have to pay 14 years of alimony on a 9 year marriage. I really think you need a better lawyer. I recommend you reach out to 3 divorce lawyers for an initial consult. Review the case and ask them what they think is fair. Then ask them: if you had to pick a lawyer to defend you in a divorce in my jurisdiction, who would YOU hire. Go meet that lawyer and hire them.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 01:24 PM
16

How long were you married and how long is your alimony duration?
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 12:23 PM
9

That's a terrible spot to be in--I'm sorry you are going through this. What makes it even harder is that men are not allowed to point out that menopause causes personality changes or offer suggestions (such as "have you considered hormone replacement therapy?").
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 06:12 PM
13

The paradox is that the nicer you are, the harder they have to demonize you in order to justify, to themselves, why they are walking away from a good partner. They also need to be able to convince their friends/family, who likely know you as a decent person and are confused about her behavior. In regards to "this person was always there", that is possible. The question you have to ask yourself now is: "Why did I pick her?" What is it about you that was drawn to this pathology? If you don't find …
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 05:54 PM
4

You can be proud of yourself for being a good father, a good friend and a good man. The challenge, as you pointed out, is finding healthy boundaries, especially under the daily emotional manipulation of a selfish partner and living within a society that tells us that men are the problem when the opposite can be true in many cases. The book Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn smith is also a great read and helpful in navigating these waters.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 11:59 AM
2

Thx-do you have any data or external sources to support this.?
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/25 12:47 PM
3

I can understand that fear. However, I think the reality is that all relationships are about filling some gap or empty space in our life. If there was no gap to fill, there’d be no need for a relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/25 12:46 PM
1

In what ways do you think they changed when they live with us? Perhaps becoming more demanding and less accommodating?
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 01:47 PM
1

What were the things that came up that caused you to hesitate and block your blessings?
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 01:46 PM
1

After how many relationships do you think it gets better?
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 01:45 PM
5

An important piece of context that is missing from your post is how many other people have you dated? It is very important to meet a range of people so that you can “level set” or establish a sense of benchmark. Typically, getting to know at least 10-20 women is necessary to do this well, and usually 3-10 dates with each is enough. You would never hire the first person who interviews for a job. They may be the best candidate, but you talk to at least a few others before making that decision. I p…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 01:33 PM
2

You don't need to have all the answers right now. It sounds as if you are lost in your own head when you are alone. When you are together with her, things seem good. I think that is what matters.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 02:05 AM
3

Get a new attorney. If you don’t, you only have yourself to blame for your shitty outcome. Go to your jurisdictions legal website where they publish all the cases and attorneys. Search for divorces. Identify the three most active attorneys. Contact them for initial consultations. Ask them who they would pick to be their attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 01:03 PM
6

Sometimes it can be very frustrating to interact with an ex who believes that they were in the right. But you hit the nail on the head--because "she doesn't think she did anything wrong", she doesn't feel any pressure to work on herself. So, while we may feel very frustrated about their lack of accountability, the reality is that they are imprisoned by it, and will, in the long run, suffer from it. The next time you feel frustrated that they are not being held accountable, just remind yourself: …
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 04:24 PM
1

It’s possible, but one would hope that the man would recognize it. Narcissists are characterized by lack of empathy. Menopause reduces estrogen, one of the hormones that contributes to empathy. A woman’s brain actually changes physically, with certain brain structures atrophying/shrinking as estrogen declines. So the decline in empathy may have made her narcissist traits more manifest.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/25 01:52 PM
1

Always happy to hear about an app dating success story
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/25 01:49 PM
10

This text she wrote is an amazing example of lack of accountability, selfishness and immaturity, while she is pretending to be the opposite (i.e., she is pretending to be mature and thoughtful). George Orwell would be impressed. I know it is hard, especially after all the flowery praise she writes in order to hide her true selfish intentions, but you should believe her when she says she wants to end the relationship and you should move on. As others have commented, she is just selfish and wants …
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 06:38 PM
2

I'm really sorry you had to go through that.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 10:35 PM
2

That's really interesting--why do you think a female friend would help, but a female partner wouldn't? I'm guessing it relates to your comment earlier that "Women don’t like to see men as weak, especially their husband or boyfriend. I believe it could be a subconscious defense mechanism in women to downplay illnesses with their husbands so they don’t perceive them as being weak." The challenge with turning to a female friend is that it would likely make a female partner jealous. I think family m…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 08:30 PM
2

Thanks--I'm doing fine. I'm just wondering how to manage healthcare issues in the future. It may be that the best approach is to have a circle of guy friends whom I can rely on, and that perhaps it is just not realistic to expect a female partner to be supportive when I have a healthcare issue in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 08:22 PM
3

Yes, I think there is a lot of wisdom in evolutionary psychology and it's a shame that we are discounting it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 08:20 PM
8

I'm sorry to hear you went through that. The same happened to me (she left me to fend for myself when I was recovering from surgery). I just couldn't really understand it. I think I just suppressed that memory because it was so distressing, to be abandoned like that by someone who is supposed to love you. I then went about living my life for the next decade, trying to provide for her and our kids, only later to be divorced later by her. But really, the writing was on the wall with how she treate…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 08:11 PM
6

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I agree that the HEAL professions were generally more open to women. In regards to "the reason your ex was caring of your children more than you was because she probably didn't have a choice: she was the one who was there"--that's true--I was working and she was a stay-at-home mom (primarily her decision). However, she also demonstrated more care for her friends, when they were ill, than for me. I appreciate your points about attachment style, but I'm not sure t…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 08:07 PM
1

Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to work on curbing your anger. Just pause for a moment before you say something negative, like calling her fat or a whore. Tell yourself (internally) that you can say it later, but that you are NOT going to say it now. Then, maybe after an hour or so, if you still feel that you should say a negative comment, then try to rephrase it in a less hurtful way. I think this relationship is over. But you can learn from this and do better in your next one. If you don't …
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 07:26 PM
2

Wow--that's great--good luck with buying a house and building your next chapter.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 05:00 PM
2

Yes, finding a health and loving relationship is hard. But almost anything worthwhile is hard. One thing that helped me was when I learned to pick out dead-end profiles quickly so I wouldn’t waste time or money with them. On the apps, if a woman didn’t want to meet within 2-4 days after starting a conversation, that was a sign of a dead-end chat. The second helpful clue was to ask about their past relationships—if they hadn’t had one for years, that indicated they are relationship challenged. On…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 12:10 PM
1

Sometimes I wonder if this is why people don’t have or want kids anymore. In the past, it seems that families were closer knit and less likely to break up. So sacrificing finances and a career to raise a family made sense. Now, with kids moving across the country and high rates of divorce (with the result that fathers become alienated from the kids); we see relatively few real world examples of fathers hanging with their adult kids-instead, it’s mostly the older generation bemoaning the lack of …
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 07:54 PM
10

The Gatekeeper book by Dr Shawn smith describes exactly this scenario and how to avoid it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 12:53 PM
21

Just thought I’d chime in with a bit of reality here: sure, it can be easy to have sex, but women who are easy sleep around a lot with others also and are more likely to have an std. herpes simplex and human papilloma virus (genital warts) can be permanent (hsv) or last for up to a year (hpv), and hpv is now the leading cause of oral cancer. Condoms do not protect men effectively against hpv and women can have it without showing any external signs. You should at least get the hpv vaccine which w…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 12:51 PM
3

These points and others are expanded on in the book Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn smith
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/25 01:42 PM
2

I think what you say makes sense and is a thoughtful take on a difficult situation. Good luck-you’re not alone (in fact you are in the silent majority)
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 01:01 PM
2

I think even a little internet porn messes up peoples understanding of sex on a subconscious level. Our mind internalizes the idea that our genitals should work perfectly like those we see with internet porn. Then if the slightest thing doesn’t go according to plan, we feel performance anxiety. Consciously, we know it’s ok, but subconsciously we feel we are failing because of those internalized images from fake internet porn sex. Most people have some degree of ED at our age, especially after di…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 12:32 PM
8

You are in an abusive relationship. But I think you know that. She is trying to manipulate you with that “trust” comment (that you need to delete the videos to restore trust—no, the truth is that she needs to go to anger management to restore trust). I would never delete those photos. Since when was deleting the truth ever conducive to a healthier relationship? She's basically asking you to lie for her to confirm her ability to trust you. Isn't that what the mafia and criminal organizations do?
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/25 02:16 PM
6

I wish I had an answer for you. I also had that feeling of "waves of sadness hit like a truck at random times". It was the most frightening experience. One minute I'm walking down the street, the next minute it just hits and you don't know when it is going to end. I worked on myself for more than a year, and there was nothing that I, or my therapist (yes, all three of them that I saw), could find to help it. I'm generally an upbeat person and did not meet criteria for depression, so drugs were n…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 10:11 PM
22

Sometimes I wonder if people turn away from us because they are having problems in their own marriage and they dont want to look in the mirror.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 12:58 PM
3

Yes, I would have overwhelming feelings of sadness and thoughts of suicide that just came out of the blue, several times a week, for more than a year. I could be just walking down the street and it would hit me. There was nothing I could do about it, and I had to just clutch the railings and hope that it would pass in 10 min? An hour? I could never know. I understand now why the suicide rate for men after divorce is almost 8 times higher than for women. It’s truly a terrible thing that our socie…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 01:12 PM
1

Last question: do you think it’s something safe to co-read with a female partner? Or is it too controversial?
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 10:11 PM
1

Does it discuss marriage or is it more focused on the early dating stuff? Most of his youtube talks are about early dating.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 09:52 PM
2

I'm happy for you that you are listening to it. His youtube podcasts (he has done about 50+ interviews) are also really helpful and were useful to remind me of his key points over and over. I spent 20+ years living the terrible situations and shit he describes in that book, and his solutions have been so helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 05:45 PM
10

Well, Trump did change the alimony laws so that now the man has to pay taxes on the alimony before giving it to the ex-wife (n the past, the ex-wife would pay taxes when she got the alimony, so alimony was tax-free for men), which really screwed men over and resulted in increase pre-tax costs for alimony. Which is kind of weird given how often he has been divorced. It would be funny if he an Melalia got divorced and he had to pay taxes on his alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 05:37 PM
4

Where there any books or resources that helped you? I found The Gatekeepers by Dr. Shawn Smith to be invaluable, and thanks to that book, I found a great partner and the book also helped me realize how special she is, and that has helped increase my interest in staying and improving the relationship, rather than "the grass is always greener" approach.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 05:36 PM
11

I understand. I love having a woman in my life who cares for me and for whom I care for as well. She really brightens up my life in so many ways. But you have to be careful to pick the right person. It takes a lot of work. You’ve already proven that you know how to pick the wrong woman (your ex). You need to figure out how to pick the right one. Read the Gatekeepers by Shawn Smith. It worked for me.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 03:09 AM
7

Do you have examples or specific situations that came up? I can imagine it’s hard to be a stepdad because you’re torn between the two sets of children – – your biological ones, and your step kids. And then you’ve got your new wife who wants you to prioritize her kids, i.e., your step kids. She will probably prefer if you spend your money on her kids, not your biological kids, for example. And then, if you don’t do what your new wife wants, Then you are marching down the path of divorce yet again…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 02:01 AM
1

If you don’t like your lawyer, get a new one. Here’s how you do to: go to the website for your legal jurisdiction (that will be handling the divorce) and look up divorce cases. Identify the most commonly named lawyers. Call the first three. Ask for an initial consult—these are free. Ask each one: who would you hire as your lawyer? Also ask them: what do you think are reasonable general terms for your case based on their limited knowledge of it? Ignore anyone who refuses to answer. If your jurisd…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 01:45 PM
13

I think sometimes we use our marriage as an excuse not to become the best versions of ourselves. We stick around in lame jobs for job security. We don’t expand our horizons (join clubs, make new friends, etc) because of the excuse that we are worried it will upset our wives. Once we are divorced, many of those constraints are removed. If I always wanted to do something, like learn archery, and I said in the past it was because of my ex that I didn’t spend 3 hrs practicing each week, but now that…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 01:14 PM
3

I usually tell a partner that I will have ED the first few times. That reduces the stress a bit and is a good way to see how empathic she is. There are a lot of other things to do (you can read a book on tantra to get some ideas) and as long as you keep it light and fun, it becomes less stressful.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 02:59 AM
6

I think these websites and pundits are just pandering to their audience. They know that if they tell these women what the women want to hear, these women will keep coming back to their site. The moment these pop psychologists say something negative about divorce, they will lose their market
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 01:56 AM
2

Good luck! It helps to have a guy group of single men to discuss the various challenges that come up.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 03:43 AM
1

You’re right—around age 13-14, they start to pull away, so enjoy the moment
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 09:44 PM
11

It's best to view dating as a job. Here are some suggestions: First decide if you are just looking for casual hook-ups (sex) or long-term. While casual is fun, you will be interacting with women who are more dysfunctional, and that can really mess up your life. You may get a permanent STD, like HSV or HPV, their emotional dysfunction will start to mess you up the longer you are exposed to it, and in the worst case scenario, the cops may get involved (it happened to an acquaintance--she accused h…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 06:38 PM
1

Watch these videos—they were really helpful and opened my eyes to what our kids may be going through https://youtu.be/R1bwfT2rdJU?si=PT1miOSqMF0FaWDx
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 12:43 PM
9

I’ve generally observed that parents support their offspring even when they do terrible things in a marriage. I think they do that because they are afraid of losing contact with their offspring. So, if a daughter divorced her husband on minor pretexts and treated him like shit, most likely the dad would rationalize their way into taking the side of their misbehaving daughter (instead of the son in law) because the dad is afraid of pushing his daughter away. Maybe the dad might say a few critical…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 07:58 PM
3

Sounds like a case of parental alienation—there’s a lot of material about this on the internet along with strategies. Here’s a good start: https://youtu.be/4O_rh4sSZto?si=5qrmpBJCWagYwNZl
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 01:57 PM
12

My apologies for being so blunt, but you are letting her take advantage of you. Living in a car while you make 140k so she can live in the house with your son and not work? Are you crazy? It sounds like the dynamic of your marriage has been that she gets to have a cushy life while you work—you’ve been giving into her demands for decades. You have to break out of that mindset, if not for yourself, do it for your son. He’s watching what you do, and if you don’t fight for equality and your rights, …
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 01:52 PM
12

If it’s a midlife divorce, menopause probably plays a role. Estrogen helps to contribute to empathy and emotional regulation. Levels drop dramatically during menopause. She is indeed not the person you married. https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405 It’s not your fault-it’s just biology.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 11:58 PM
1

I would tell them that the clock is ticking for both men and women. If you wait until your 30s to get married, you will have a smaller pool to choose from and there will be a higher percentage of damaged people. Around age 25, they should get serious about finding a partner for marriage and approach it like a job interview-love is the least important criteria. And marriage is definitely worth it—a man in a marriage makes more, it’s by far the best way to raise children. I would also tell them to…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 01:59 PM
9

Read the Gatekeepers book by Dr Shawn smith. It really helped me to navigate dating post divorce. Your picker is broken after years of a dysfunctional marriage. This book gives a clear roadmap of how to fix it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 12:29 PM
5

As you see, many have been rejected by social circles they coestablished with their ex, (for those with narcissistic ex partners, look up the term “flying monkeys narcissism”) or had to break ties with old friends because their ex blocked them as part of her control strategies. It’s important that you don’t take it personally and let them drag you down-it says more about the low quality of the character of the friend who is now ignoring you. Instead, you need to reach out and expand your friend …
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 12:46 PM
7

Talk to a lawyer—the rules vary considerably by country and state. For this reason, The advice you get from Reddit will probably be wrong for your unique case.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/25 12:15 PM
1

Interesting-how did it help you?
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/25 02:57 AM
5

You can't afford a lawyer now, but with the help of a lawyer, you should get some support. , After she gives you some of the assets, you can pay the lawyer. Without a lawyer, you will likely get little.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 07:08 PM
1

Good luck! Dr. Shawn Smith's youtube interviews are also extremely helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 10:53 PM
1

I think the next important question for you is: what kind of relationships are you looking for? If you want casual, then it’s probably fine to keep meeting people like her and having some fun six month to one year flings. If you want long-term leading to marriage, then can you improve your picker so you avoid wasting a year on a dead end relationship like this one? I think the gatekeeper book by Dr. Shawn Smith is a great place to start for the latter question.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 05:30 PM
10

I have nothing in common with any of these men, so anything that happens to them has no bearing on my life. As man, we make the mistake of thinking that financial success equals success in marriage. Each woman is looking for something slightly different and our job is to fine tune our picker so that we can find the woman who aligns with us.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/25 12:48 PM
1

Divorce is more painful than you can imagine and will leave scars on your family. Even your adult kids will get traumatized. If you initiate, they will blame you, and they may turn away from you for years or possibly the rest of their life. Marriage counseling infrequently works, but I would really give it a try for at least 6-12 months. What your wife did sounds annoying, but it is not severe abuse and does not seem like enough, to me to end a marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/25 12:44 PM
3

I'm not an expert, but I think the difference between resentment and healthy "processing" of the emotions revolves around whether or not we feel "helpless" and have plans to change/address the problem ourselves. People who stew in resentment feel helpless and have no plan to change themselves in order to resolve the problem--they don't take responsibility and instead blame the other, which makes them helpless and they play the "victim" card. A healthy response involves acknowledging the pain/sad…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 06:57 PM
16

I think it turns around when you set a goal for yourself and start moving towards it in a meaningful way. That creates a positive feedback loop. You stop being a victim and start being someone who has power and agency. That goal may be to buy a house, get a promotion, run a marathon, lose weight, whatever. Ideally, it is something your ex prevented you from doing. Also, it helps if the goal has a social (group) aspect so you are not as alone. You finally have a chance to be a man, free from the …
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 01:12 PM
5

That’s interesting-I hadn’t thought of resentment as a childlike way to process loss.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 12:51 PM
4

Hey, thanks for your understanding. I'm sure the bitter lonely losers are feeling better already.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 11:08 PM
7

Good for you! Not everyone is as lucky. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hu1si7/how_to_stop_thinking_about_them/ This podcast I posted is for them, fortunately not for you.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 11:05 PM
11

If you look on this Divorce_Men forum, there are many posts from men who are really struggling with how their exwives flipped, and how nonchalant/uncaring the exwives have become. Such as: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1htzkyv/how_to_get_over_it/ This content is for them.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 11:03 PM
8

It's great that you've moved on. There are lots of posts on this forum, though, from men who are distressed by how quickly their wives abandoned them. So, this content is not for you, but for them.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 11:01 PM
2

I found that so helpful too. Basically, our ex's are projecting.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 10:11 PM
3

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope this video sheds some insight on the mental tricks she played in order to get to that place of being "happy", and this understanding will lessen your pain at seeing her put on this charade. But it is just a facade and reality will come knocking.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 10:10 PM
1

Frankly, we (men and women) are all delusional. It just helps to understand the different ways that we are delusional.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 10:09 PM
3

Yes, I agree that we should not excuse them for it. I just found the video interesting because it helps explain why they behave this way. They are still responsible for their actions.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 10:08 PM
6

I think this video is helpful for you because it explains that it is likely untrue what she said ("never had a wobble")
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 10:05 PM
1

Watch the video and find out
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 10:03 PM
2

Yes, that is basically the point she is making in the video. Don't take it personally. And she provides several reasons why it is not about us, but about them.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 10:03 PM
2

Did you even watch the video?
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 10:02 PM
2

Controlling herself takes a lot of effort. She’s doing that now because she has a goal—likely marriage. Once she achieves that goal, will she continue to make that effort to control herself? No partner is perfect-we have to accept their limitations and be realistic. But emotional abuse is something I will no longer accept.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 01:01 PM
2

Great-give it a try. You will still need to have your own lawyers, though, because the mediator will not accept that legal responsibility and will ask you to have your own lawyers review the contract. I recommend you interview three lawyers and ask them who they would recommend as mediators and what terms they think are reasonable for your unique case. Most lawyers will do this as a free initial consultation. At the end of the day, there’s just four numbers involved. Division of assets, alimony,…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 02:45 PM
1

Whether mediation works or not, depends mostly on how reasonable the two people are. Sometimes having a lawyer in the mix is helpful if your ex-wife doesn’t trust you and has unrealistic expectations. The lawyer can help her reset her expectations because she will listen to her lawyer. I’d say if you two are very far apart, then mediation is unlikely to be helpful. My ex-wife wanted 25 years of alimony from a 25 year marriage; mediation was a disaster and just wasted a year of me paying her livi…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 01:55 PM
7

Divorce has shown me that Our society is structured to take money from hard working people and feed it to the ultra rich or government. It really doesn’t matter who is taking it from you. That nice beach house you want—you have to give tons of money to the bank. Get sick? Get ready to give 100k to the hospital. Want an education? Pay up 200k to a college. I’ve learned to just be happy with a good cup of coffee and the company of friends. Anything else you want will suck you dry like a vampire. T…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 08:23 PM
4

For me, it wasn’t so much about safety as it was that she viewed me as her slave. Her sense of entitlement was that insane. Along with the insults, preventing me from seeing my family and friends or even practicing my religion. And she did all of this by withholding basic human touch/intimacy. I put up with it for the kids, but now I am free. My indentured prison term is over.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 08:17 PM
14

Once I started viewing alimony as the monthly fee I have to pay to get out of jail, I really don’t mind it as much anymore. Divorce is worth every penny.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 08:01 PM
9

Once I started viewing alimony as the monthly fee I have to pay to get out of jail, I really don’t mind it as much anymore. Divorce is worth every penny.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 08:01 PM
1

If you are dating younger than 40, then most likely perimenopause is not an issue
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 01:36 PM
2

Thanks-the few MGTOW sites I saw were quite anti female and Machiavellian-do you have any that you would recommend?
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 01:35 PM
3

How old are you, approximately? After menopause, about 50% of women see a significant drop in libido and 20% become asexual. I think Mother Nature programmed this into humans so that older women would not compete with younger fertile women for males’ attention. When you discuss sex, rather than acknowledging that they have lost their libido, these women with a low libido will attack you. So, the general approach of brining it up early is good, and any woman who scolds you likely has little inter…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 02:47 AM
1

Sorry you feel this way. Maybe your picker is off and you are choosing the wrong kind of woman? There are good women out there, it’s just a matter of quickly spotting the damaged ones and moving on so that you can eventually find a stable, mature partner. The Gatekeepers book by Dr Shawn smith helped me to do that and now I am in a really wonderful relationship. I don’t know if it will last, but I’m grateful for the time we have together.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 02:38 AM
2

My ex wife would make it seem as if my normal human needs for touch and connection were abnormal and that I was broken somehow. Basically, she was gaslighting me. I agree that this is a form of emotional abuse What also really made it bad is that the therapist didn’t challenge her on it, even when she was gaslighting them.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/25 01:01 PM
6

It’s also possible that she changed in some hidden way inside. Menopause often is an unrecognized issue in divorce, for example, because of reduced libido/empathy from the decline in estrogen.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 05:59 PM
3

That’s great-I’m happy for you. What helped you to find the right partner?
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 03:09 PM
5

I believe you will have that in your future. Just be thoughtful about the women you choose.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 03:07 PM
1

Good for you! I recommend you read Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn smith so that you can learn to avoid dysfunctional women early on. Then, as you date, you can apply what you learn.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 06:08 PM
2

The list you provide is very helpful—the only thing i would add is that she will likely try parental alienation tactics and that a guy should read up on them to be prepared.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 06:03 PM
7

So many of us have been through that experience. Sensate Therapy worked, until my ex wife realized that and then refused to do it anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 05:57 PM
4

That’s great-was there anything else that helped you on your journey to a better place?
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 04:03 PM
1

I’d also recommend the MensWork book by Conor Beaton along with Dr Shawn Smiths books. If you read them and do the homework, you will be much better off. Therapists help, but so much of psychology is anti-male (“the problem with men is that they should be more like women…”) that it is hard to find a therapist who isn’t woke because they are afraid of being cancelled.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 02:42 PM
1

It's great that you are aware of what you are going through and reaching out to people on this forum. But it would be even better if you could reach out to people in real life. "stay in my room and watch TV" is what worries me--you should join clubs and get out into the real world. Identify 2-3 hobbies you have, and sign up for clubs. Check meetup.com for groups that meet in your area. Turning outward, not inward, is the best way to deal with this burden.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 02:30 PM
6

We all test our partners using subtle means. They are asking you to change to test how malleable you are—are you someone they can control? When you decline, you are conveying to them that you are an independent person with a mind of their own. They will likely move on to easier targets. Some degree of change/flexibility is important though. If your place is dirty, then you should listen to them. Ask a guy friend first to confirm.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 06:48 PM
1

Also, plow your savings into a 529 for the kids since she won’t be able to take that.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 06:35 PM
3

Please, please read the book Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn smith. The fact that you went ahead and married a woman who tried to cancel the wedding on her wedding day suggests you have a lot of learning to do. 290 pages of learning, in fact, which happens to be the length of that book.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 02:28 PM
2

I think it is too late for you to do anything about your income, but any assets your parents/relatives give you should be put into a trust that is separate from the marital estate. I wonder if you could negotiate a post up? Probably not and it would likely just trigger a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 02:24 PM
1

I’d call the county courthouse and ask them if they have a website that lists all the cases
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/24 02:44 AM
3

You really, really, really need to read the book "Gatekeepers" by Dr. Shawn Smith. Your picker is way off. You confused "passionate, intense" with healthy. One is fun, but could kill you, while the other is perhaps less fun in the short-term, but will be life nourishing. For your mental well-being, I hope you don't make the same mistakes again. The Gatekeepers book is 290 pages of really helpful advice. I underlined most of the book, it was so helpful and I keep going back to it. You will get mo…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 04:59 PM
2

Check the legal records in your township. Find out which divorce lawyers handle the most cases. They have the most experience with the court official and judge that you’ll be working with, most likely. Thus, they will be able to give you the most salient advice because each court is different. Schedule initial consultations with all three. Ask them which divorce lawyer they would hire if they were going through a divorce. Pick one divorce lawyer that you pay a retainer to and is your main lawyer…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 01:34 PM
1

I put more effort into my meditation practice during the divorce, and it was a real lifesaver. In addition to the things you described, it also helped me to be less reactive and emotionally stressed with all the junk that my ex-wife was throwing at me. That helped a lot with my kids: they saw that I handled myself with calm and dignity because I was able to pause and reflect before acting.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 01:35 PM
3

Instead of viewing dating as something you do to get to a goal (I.e., to find a partner), it helps to view it as a trip to the museum where you will see all kinds of interesting things on the wall. Some of which are rather unpleasant. And then it becomes a bit of a relief when you walk out.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 02:43 AM
3

The first stage of Sensate therapy is done with your clothes on. It was developed to help people who felt they were victims or had resentment issues like your wife. I was surprised by how well it worked (there were other issues that later led to the divorce)
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 03:17 AM
1

The first stage of Sensate therapy is done with your clothes on. It was developed to help people who felt they were victims or had resentment issues like your wife. I was surprised by how well it worked (there were other issues that later led to the divorce)
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 03:17 AM
6

This is a crazy long list. If I was a woman (I'm male) and someone gave me this long list, I would run. All the forced intimacy stuff is unlikely to work as well. I recommend you just ask her to do Sensate Therapy with you--it is very effective for helping couples deal with desire/touch discrepancies. Find a therapist trained in sex therapy and they can guide you through the Sensate Therapy steps--it is really quite straightforward and helpful. It is not fair of you to ask her to do all of this …
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 08:13 PM
9

One of the biggest mistakes men make during the divorce process is to retreat inward. Drinking alcohol in a closet is the epitome of that. The best antidote is to connect with other men through hobbies or activities. Find some kind of club you enjoy doing and sign up. Even though you think you’re putting a mask on, your kids, your family and others who care for you know that you are spiraling downward. You’re not fooling them. Get out of the closet, literally, and connect with people and build a…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 01:06 PM
2

I recommend Men’s Work by Conor Beaton.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 01:00 PM
9

The Gatekeepers book by Dr. Shawn Smith describes all of this in detail and explains how you can avoid this in future relationships. It was a lifesaver for me.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 08:53 PM
2

Be the best version of yourself that you can be and you will attract a high caliber partner. The Gatekeepers book by Dr Shawn Smith has excellent advice—really helped me to find a wonderful partner and avoid the other 95%
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 02:50 PM
1

Alternatively, he could’ve held onto that big chunk of change and invested the 300,000 (or whatever amount) and paid the alimony from the interest….all while the dollar cost of the alimony is declining due to inflation.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 07:54 PM
1

Could you share your real world experience?
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 03:01 PM
6

The value of money decreases over time because of inflation. 100k today is only worth about 75k in 5-10 yrs. Better to give her money in the future since the same amount will have less purchasing value. I think it is a mistake to give a big payout up front.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 03:00 PM
2

I'm really sorry you went through that. Being in a relationship with a psychologist--wow, that can be really hard. You were basically a lamb thrown into a wolf's den.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 07:17 PM
4

You have a very, very high opinion of a person if you believe they can play a ten year long game and mask their true feelings in a relationship that involves spending hours every day for a decade with a partner they dislike. I have yet to meet a woman or man with that kind of mental power and self control. A more plausible scenario is that a partner’s feelings change, such as due to menopause or andropause. Like any medical change or mental health illness, it’s true that things become unpredicta…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 01:01 PM
1

I think it is a bad idea. There is a very small chance it could be used against you in legal court. However, it can certainly be used against you in the court of public opinion. If she finds out about it, she can just send it to her friends, your friends and your family as proof that she was justified in her behavior. Also, if you have kids, it is a definite bad idea. My ex accused me of all kinds of crazy lies, and the kids believed her. The only thing that saved me was my clean record. If I ha…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 07:10 PM
1

I felt a lot of anxiety when I was intimate with my first partner after years of no sex in my marriage. I usually had erectile dysfunction. But I explained this to the new partners in advance and that made it better. Try sitting close to her, perhaps a back massage, and see how you feel after 15-30 min
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 06:43 PM
3

I found that attraction is often driven by proximity. You may find that if you are cuddling with someone on the sofa, you may start to feel sexual attraction again. I think the touch, proximity, and pheromones all play a role in kindling the sense of sexual attraction. It’s referred to as reactive attraction as opposed to spontaneous attraction. As we get older, spontaneous attraction, diminishes, and we rely more on reactive attraction. I also went the entire year, where I was not touched by a …
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 01:56 PM
16

There are a lot of good women out there in the US—you just need to improve your detection system. Of course, if your goal is just sex, then you are using them and it is fine if they use you too (like asking you to pay for expensive dates)—it is a transaction in that case and both parties get what they want. The fact that you are making temporary visits to another country and have kids in the us that tie you to the US suggests that you are mainly looking for hookups and sex. If that’s what you wa…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 01:46 PM
6

Rates of narcissistic tendencies are slowly increasing, likely due to social media. Still, it is overused. We all need to have some narcissism to survive, but it becomes pathological in only a small percent. Many people who use the term loosely are also likely projecting—they are the narcissist and imagine the trait in others because they are uncomfortable acknowledging that they are the problem.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 09:33 PM
1

As a woman, you should read Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn smith. Its target audience is men but the advice in the book applies equally well for women. I have kids and my female partner has been wonderfully understanding. She supports me having time alone with them and isn’t jealous; she doesn’t pressure me to meet my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 12:21 PM
2

Every relationship is an opportunity to improve your skills. It sounds like you let your ex wife control you. Use this new relationship as an opportunity to learn how to flex the muscle of agency and expressing your preferences. Practice with your therapist and then apply it on this relationship. It’s no big deal if this relationship ends, after all. A lot of comments are telling you to just leave. What a wasted opportunity if you do that! Instead, practice—Tell her you are uncomfortable with ho…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 03:11 AM
2

Let me clarify--some people, such as me--catch "the feels" when we have sex. So I should've made my comment more clear by stating that: "I catch the feels after having sex, so I delay sex..." Thus, my comment has a lot to do with what you're asking. And for others who are more likely to develop feelings after sex, my advice to delay sex is relevant as well. In this way, I am answering your question in which you ask "insight on how I can change that?"
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 08:23 PM
2

I have the same issues, so I delay sex until after we both get std testing. It helps me filter for mature partners also. The emotionally unstable ones can’t handle std testing. Condoms don’t protect well against the two most common STDs: hsv and hpv. Once you get an std, it will destroy your dating experience because women will not want you.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 01:09 PM
2

Perhaps she was gaslighting you by telling you that you couldn't even do a basic thing like putting your child down for a nap.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 06:55 PM
3

I initially tried to be considerate, but she took advantage of that. I certainly don’t consider her a friend. For the last decade of our marriage, she showed very little empathy or kindness and took every opportunity to take advantage of me; why would I want to be friends with someone like that? I’ve learned, from my divorce, that I need to respect myself and stop demeaning myself and being a Simp. I currently think of her as the dysfunctional family member who I try to avoid, but have to intera…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 01:33 PM
1

Your kids will have torn loyalties. They will feel a sense of obligation to their mother, and that may cause them to be unpleasant towards your new partner. Just be prepared for that. It’s especially triggered if the new partner starts to intrude into their physical space, such as if you start to consider cohabitation at some point in the future, or if they sense that your new partner is taking up time that they would’ve gotten from you. Hopefully your new partner has the maturity to understand …
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 01:26 PM
6

Read the gatekeepers book by Dr Shawn smith. It will help you significantly improve your picker so you don’t make the same mistake you made last time. The book is priceless.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 01:22 PM
16

Sometimes, when people scold us for something, like not keeping the house clean, it is actually projection—they are the ones that fail to keep the house clean, but don’t want to consciously acknowledge that, so they blame us instead. Once I realized that, it became so much easier to deflect the insults or criticisms that others made.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/24 02:13 PM
2

We will never fully get over a divorce especially if there are kids involved. So perhaps better question is how long did it take to recover to the place where you started being happy again? It took me about a year of self work, and then I met my current partner, and that helped tremendously as well because it brought happiness and connection back into my life. Humans are social beings, except for the small percentage of us that are introverts. Our biology drives us to seek deep and intimate conn…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 02:23 PM
2

There are a lot of damaged people out there. The more you date, the more you will improve your ability to detect them and steer clear, and also understand what you want. This will bring you closer to a healthy relationship; Men and women do better in relationships-without a partner, people start to become weird and dysfunctional because they start indulging their whims. They become the crazy aunt or uncle and everyone has pity for them but no one cares enough to really intervene.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 02:10 PM
1

I’m sorry you’re going through this experience and have had people treat you badly in public spaces. That can be a hard hole to climb out of. One strategy that helped me was to make an effort to see the positive and not focused so much on the negative. As you probably know, human minds have a negativity bias and focus on negative things. For example, in my neighborhood in the city, twice now people have stopped to help me with something. That was really kind of them. I try to focus on those acts…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 01:16 PM
1

It’s certainly true that part of getting older is losing interest in things because we see, after repeated negative outcomes, “the juice isn’t worth the squeeze “. For example, What’s the point of making money when the govt takes 50% of it? And the ex wife takes another 20% after that? So I suppose there is some healthy recalibration we all need to do. I think we can assess if it is “healthy” or “harmful” recalibration if it leads to greater happiness and awareness
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/24 05:08 PM
1

That all makes sense. What does "felt like giving up than checking out" mean in terms of day-to-day-life for you? Are there certain things you've stopped doing or trying to do?
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/24 08:49 PM
1

Thanks for thinking about this and asking those questions. At the end of the day, what we all want is authentic companionship. Sure, we get companionship at work. Sure, we can be surrounded by people if we sit at a bar. But are any of them connecting with us on a personal level? Do we even exist to those people? When we go through a divorce, we lose our connection to the fabric of society. So what would've helped me, and other men, is if the people around them, who cared for them, really made a …
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 10:56 PM
1

I'm really sorry about that. I also got hurt in those post-separation relationships. But I also wouldn't have learned how strong I am if it wasn't for that. I wish you happiness on your journey.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 10:45 PM
19

Yes, my ex-wife did a few things that disrespected me over the 20+ years of our marriage. But as I was thinking about how I could respond to your question, I realized that I (me, myself, I) disrespected myself more than anything. I disrespected myself because I put up with all her controlling behavior and not having boundaries and not standing up for myself. I disrespected myself by thinking that she was "the better half". I disrespected myself by letting her control our finances out of my own l…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 09:03 PM
2

It's true--there are a lot of people out there in the dating space with serious psychological baggage. It's great that you knew about the red flags and could respond appropriately. In our marriages, we were "locked in" and had little leverage. In the world of dating, though, we can more easily walk away. That has good and bad sides--some people are too quick to drop a relationship, or get bored quickly after the limerance phase. Like you, I learned so much about myself from dating after my separ…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 08:28 PM
1

There is, unfortunately, very little solid data. There’s just a lot of anecdotes and personal opinions. Sure, may be a prenup is not foolproof. But even if it’s 50% effective that certainly better than the 0% most men have without one.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 01:47 PM
16

While I agree with a lot of this advice, I’m not sure that a blanket statement like”no dating for one year” is appropriate. I think it makes sense to date wisely: no cohabiting, no financial entanglements, don’t introduce the kids, have clear boundaries re: acceptable girlfriend behavior (see the Gatekeepers book by Dr Shawn Smith). I was incredibly lonely after separating. The loneliness was so intense that I thought of killing myself, sometimes several times a week. What scared me the most is …
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 01:39 PM
5

A key secret to surviving divorce is to reach out to friends, get engaged in group activities, like joining clubs, and identify the things that you always wanted to do that you couldn’t do because of her. Don’t let yourself retreat inward and instead try to expand outward.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/24 01:02 PM
5

Your ex-wife is embarking down a difficult path, by pursuing a lesbian relationship. Lesbians have a higher divorce rate than heterosexual couples, and there is more domestic abuse in lesbian relationships (43.5%), then heterosexual ones (35%) according to data from the centers for disease control. https://archive.cdc.gov/www_cdc_gov/media/releases/2013/p0125_NISVS.html
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/24 12:59 PM
2

Sadly, I think many men come to this realization, but only after they’ve been served the divorce papers. It’s pretty amazing how naïve most men, myself included, are about this. Part of it is that no one really explained this to me. There were hundreds of people who knew about my planned marriage when I was in my 20s and not a single person advised me to get a prenup. Of course one could say that I should’ve done more research on the topic and I have responsibility for that very important mistak…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/24 12:31 PM
3

That's really hard. Did you have to divide up your assets too? Out of curiosity, what percent did she get of those? In the US, where I live, the wife usually gets about spousal support for 1/3rd of the duration of the marriage, and gets about 50-60% of the assets (house, retirement savings, etc.) also, along with child support. So when you combine assets+future spousal support, the wife typically gets about 75% of the man's assets. As you said, the wife gets this tax free, while the man has to p…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 05:37 PM
1

Confidence comes from skill. It takes time to develop. I found this book really helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Mens-Work-Practical-Darkness-Self-Sabotage/dp/B0BSJ1W8LR His podcasts are really helpful and generally avoid red pill rage but he still says it like it is.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 10:46 PM
2

I’m glad you’ve taken steps to create a healthy relationship. When I mentioned therapy, it was therapy for you. You can go work with a therapist one on one and practice the skills, role-play conversations so that you can know what phrases to say when different situations come up. If you are having trouble being motivated to do this for yourself, then you should think about the fact that by doing this, you are actually going to help her as well. She is not going to have a happy life if she believ…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 12:21 PM
3

Do you provide your daughter any financial or other support (babysitting)? If so, when she withdraws spending time with you, you should withdraw that support. We teach people how to treat us. Good for you that you recognize the mistakes you made in your marriage. Now here is the tough part: can you act on that and take concrete actions to improve your relationship with your daughter? If you don’t know where to start, I recommend you see a therapist and practice role-play with them. Have them pre…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 08:06 PM
5

Yes, I was in a similar situation. It is so common, it is laughable. I prefer to use the”we grew apart” cliche because often a couple does first grow apart, then the dead bedroom happens next. It is important to add that“I certainly made some mistakes during the marriage, but I’ve worked on them.“ If they ask what those mistakes were, a helpful and often accurate response is to say “I’ve learned to become more accepting of people and communicate better“ As others have pointed out, chances are th…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 07:54 PM
2

Well, as a guy, your explanation made me smile. I’m just curious how it goes over when you describe it on a date. Most of the women we meet are divorced and currently benefitting from the pyramid scheme you escaped from, so they may not find it as amusing?
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 07:50 PM
1

Most of his videos, deal with dating: https://youtu.be/ReYYEs-tHx4?si=E7s89WYUiuA-ePZC
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 12:12 PM
1

Dating is a lot of work (maybe an hour a day) and expensive-I spent thousands. It is important to filter out women who are looking for a texting buddy to boost their ego or a free dinner. I recommend you engage and text 3-5 times in the first 24-48 hours then offer to meet for coffee or a walk. This will filter out the women looking for a chat buddy or free meal. View each date as an opportunity to meet someone interesting and have no expectations for the future. The psychacks YouTube channel ha…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 01:27 PM
10

Lying to someone about something so fundamental in a relationship is a bad idea.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 01:59 PM
1

Yes, I also experienced this. Frankly, it amazes me how so many of the stories on this forum are so similar. It’s like we had been married to the same women. But really, it is social values, as you point out, that tell women it is okay to walk around with a twenty year collection of “scars”. And on a subconscious level, many women, also as you point out, gain a secondary benefit from holding onto these scars: it is a tool to shame their husbands into servitude. The “scars” persists because they …
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 04:42 PM
1

I’m sorry about your divorce, but good for you for standing up and getting alimony!
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 03:06 AM
1

Sorry for any misunderstanding--You didn't do anything to offend me and I wasn't trying to insult you when I suggested that you do not give up on marriage. A healthy marriage is a wonderful thing, and the first decade of my marriage was great. So, I think the juice is worth the squeeze. I just wish I had a prenup. When I mentioned looking for a high quality partner, the intent is that partner could then become your wife (finding a high quality partner is the first step towards converting that pa…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 09:56 PM
2

I understand where you are coming from--the family court system certainly favors women currently. However, that may slowly change as women continue to out-earn men, and hopefully men do a better job at standing up for their rights. This will result in high-paying women getting upset about paying alimony to their male ex-partners, and advocating for less alimony for everyone (men or women). But, I also understand if you are skeptical that this will happen. In the end, the best option is a prenup-…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 09:52 PM
1

I would encourage you not to give up. Instead, read the book "Gatekeepers" by Dr. Shawn Smith. That will help you identify high quality partners that will add to your life. You will end up rejecting 95% of the people you meet, but that is okay--you just need one high quality partner.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 05:52 PM
7

It is a shame that no one wants to really reform the system. Young people are voting with their behavior and marriage is on the decline
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 01:25 PM
1

Im really glad it helped you. The more we get the word out, the more we can help people make thoughtful decisions and avoid the trap of shame based relationships
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 01:14 PM
0

Marriage was only added to Christianity around 800-1100 AD. Prior to that, the Bible speaks mostly about being “joined in the flesh”. Another option for you is to separate the legal concept of marriage from the religious one. Maybe you could find a church that will allow you to have a religious ceremony but not require that you legally register.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 02:29 PM
1

I found it so helpful-the examples he gives are spot on. It’s also good because while he presents the truth, he avoids red-pill rage.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 03:10 PM
4

Selection is very important. That’s why in the Gatekeepers book by Dr Shawn smith, “love” is the last item—the first four are her personal qualities, such as emotional maturity, resilience, etc. Really helpful book and I highly recommend you read it if you want to improve your picker.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 03:30 PM
5

I really think this is true. I've found some podcasts to be very helpful as well, especially the "Happy Wife" podcast by Karen Seitz--it has been the most helpful one so far for me. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-happy-wife-school/id1752153127 As she describes, she was a former unhappy wife who emasculated her husband, but then realized what she was doing. As a man, hearing her perspective is really healing. She describes male red pill concepts without the rage and presents them in a …
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 05:21 PM
20

Maybe you can help the situation by helping your son, not your ex-wife, and this way your son can have more time to devote to his mother. Perhaps you could do groceries for your son, cook, meals for him, or do other chores. This way he has time freed up to help his mother, and you can show him how much you love him. Tell him that your mother likely does not want to see you, and it will make this difficult time even more difficult for her if you suddenly appeared, but by helping him, you can help…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 12:43 PM
1

While I support the goals of feminism in terms of equality and opportunity, it is confusing to me how some people want equality in one domain and want preferential treatment in another, such as the dating landscape. But the reality is that men have always had to compete for women – – it’s in our biology. However, that biology applied for women who were fertile and could have kids. I agree that women and men can be delusional in the modern dating landscape and it is such a challenge to find peopl…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 12:25 PM
4

Yes, that whole process of forgiving you and then unforgiving you is really inappropriate. Essentially, they are weaponizing your past mistakes. We all make mistakes, and if we sincerely apologize and change our behavior, a good partner accepts our apology and moves on. A shame based relationship, on the other hand, is one where the other partner never truly accepts the apology and instead whips it out in order to try to shame the other person into servitude
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 02:21 AM
1

Out of curiosity, I put up a post describing your approach (I didn't mention your name because I didn't want you to get flooded with negative posts). It was really interesting: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/1g9odo7/a_simple_strategy_to_burn_the_haystack_split/ I may not have described your approach perfectly because I incorporated my own perspective, but I think the general principal is there. I support women's equality fully, and I hope they will support mine as well.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 05:56 PM
1

True, it is a numbers game, and it is important to filter out people quickly. Hopefully this approach will allow men and women to filter each other out a little bit quicker.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 01:00 PM
2

Yes, it is so distressing to have to relive those past events. I’m glad that I am free of that. Priceless.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 12:41 PM
1

You should try dating older women. I’m in my 50s and date women in their 50s. They can be mature and loving partners. It makes sense that relationships with younger women are more transactional. They are trading their youth for something that you, an older man, can give them. With women closer to our age, there is less transactional dating. Sure, they want to relieve their loneliness, but so do I, thus we are more aligned.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 01:56 AM
6

Yup, that's exactly it. Even things that happened 20 years ago...
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 10:46 PM
7

Actually, you have it backwards. It's mostly the women who chose to remain single: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202302/what-do-most-people-over-50-do-after-divorce-stay-single "About 77 percent of the women had never partnered 10 years after their divorce. They neither remarried nor cohabited. For the men, 62 percent stayed single." I'm open to remarriage, but first I want to make sure to find a partner who 1) Is interested in me as a person, not as a paycheck. Fortunate…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 06:11 PM
1

That's a really helpful approach--thank you! In essence, it is the male equivalent of "burn the haystack" which is the approach that women use to quickly filter out men. Finding out before the second date is great because we are not emotionally invested (for me, once I have sex with someone, I get more emotionally invested and have a harder time ending things).
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 05:40 PM
6

Respectfully, I think it is fine for her to be here. I think it is wrong for toxic feminist to exclude men from their subs under the false guise of “creating a safe space” for them. Essentially, they want to create a fake information bubble for themselves (toxic feminist) where they can spew anti-male vitriol without any pushback. I think it is important for men to avoid falling into that same trap that the toxic feminist have succumbed to.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 03:59 PM
1

Thx-I had previously seen that post. You mentioned that post was primarily based on your experience dating divorced single moms. Do you think things are different with women in their 50s who no longer have live-at- home Kids?
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:48 PM
1

When you say that you spend nothing on dates, I assume you mean that you ask her to pay for her dinner (perhaps the first date is ice cream but at some point you probably get dinner together)? Do you tell her in advance you split it equally? What percent of women are unhappy about that? (I know those are women you are not interested in anyway)
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:40 PM
1

That becomes a catch 22–if we date a woman who makes less than us, we end up supporting them. If they make more than us, they lose respect for us.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:51 AM
1

What are other things you think they may want?
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:50 AM
1

Helpful advice -thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:49 AM
2

Yes, ironic is one word for it. Hypocritical or double-standard is another…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 09:59 PM
3

Gatekeepers was a great book--really helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 07:25 PM
1

Thx-makes sense
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 06:58 PM
3

Hmm-I hadn’t thought about that, but it makes sense.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 06:57 PM
14

I think there is a strong anti-male sentiment on social media. “It’s all men’s fault”.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 06:01 PM
1

By the way, was there a book you used to help prepare your prenup, or did you rely primarily on your lawyer? Can any divorce lawyer do this or do you have any suggestions for finding one that’s more competent?
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 01:24 PM
1

It’s great that you have a positive experience with them. So many people speak negatively. My general sense is that these are people who are against marrige broadly speaking, and don’t want to acknowledge that prenups are away to legitimately mitigate the financial disaster of divorce; they disparage anything that could be seen to enable marriage. Do you have any other friends who use them? How did they go for them?
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 12:36 PM
2

I’m glad it worked out for you. I’m not sure how they can complain-they knew what they were getting into before the marriage…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 02:09 AM
2

I’ve listened to him a few times. I find him a little bit, annoying, frankly. A lot of what he says is based on impressions and exaggeration rather than facts.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 12:00 PM
3

I really appreciate that perspective. So often I just hear: “Don’t ever get remarried; prenups are useless”
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 02:02 AM
2

Doesn’t regular divorce do that too, though? The wife is incentivized to leave you before your income drops in order to get more alimony? But I suppose one could ask for a modifiable alimony clause in case your income drops after a divorce without a prenup.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 02:00 AM
3

Sure, rent may be more efficient and gives you freedom, but could you imagine how terrible it would be if you were 70 and living on a fixed income of $5000 and your rent increased from $1500 to $2250 and then to $2700? Moving costs several thousand dollars and is stressful. Chances are you wouldn’t find an affordable house in the area you lived in and would have to move away from the friends, restaurants, and parks that you love.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 02:37 PM
2

I think it makes sense to buy a house. When you look at inflation over the past few years, the biggest area of price increases, has been in the area of rent. As we get older, and need to live on a fixed income, it could destroy our finances if our apartment rent goes up. in some areas, there’s been almost a 30 to 40% increase in rent. If we were 65, living on Social Security and an annuity, and our rent were to go up 30%, we would have to move to a smaller apartment. By owning a home, you have c…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 01:41 PM
1

I hear you. It sounds like you pay for all 3 dates to improve the likelihood of sex on the 3rd?
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 12:10 PM
2

Like you, I don’t want to be the money bags that are expected to pay for her amusements just so that she can grace me with her time.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 10:15 PM
1

That seems very reasonable-what percentage of times is there a second date?
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 10:13 PM
2

All valid point. I think being in the recent post-divorce state warps our perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:48 PM
1

That’s a reasonable approach and I respect you for your honesty. What’s amusing to me is how some women are blind to this dynamic and deny the notion that men are “buying” their sex by paying for dates. It’s obvious to me that if a man pays for all the dinners, etc,, they are likely expecting sex in return. But maybe for some relationships this is the unspoken dance: she is testing the man to see if he will give her money and the man is testing her to see if she will give him sex. In some relati…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:43 PM
1

Do you explicitly tell her that she should plan date 2? Or do you just wait for her to make that initiative and you play hard to get/avoidant?
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:36 PM
1

That seems to be a common pattern. I wonder, though, whether we can have more equality earlier on. Perhaps that’s just a pipe dream.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:34 PM
3

How did that go for you? On the one hand, it might mean that there won’t be a second date. On the other hand, maybe that’s a blessing because this person might not be the right fit.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:33 PM
1

Because they expected it. Especially if I invited them out for the date, many women expected the person who does the inviting to pay. But the problem with that logic is that men are expected to do the inviting in the first place. How often were your first or second dates 50-50 splits?
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:28 PM
1

I would also invite people over for dinner, but that was usually on the fourth date once they felt comfortable enough to come to my place. What percent of women would agree to dinner at your place after just an initial coffee date? Wouldn’t dinner at your place often lead to sex that night?
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:27 PM
0

With all due respect, I actually do want to hear her perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:26 PM
2

Thank you for having the courage to share your perspective on this forum. The problem with your logic is that men are expected to ask women out so by default, the man is expected to pay for the dates. If the man doesn’t ask the woman out, the man is accused of “not showing up“, or “not making an effort“, or “low energy” or “not making the woman feel special“. As a man, I want to be seen and valued in a relationship. I don’t want to be viewed as someone’s financial work horse. I’ve already done t…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:25 PM
2

This has generally been my experience too. Women expect men to ask them out, and say that whoever does the asking should pay for the date, so by default, the men always end up paying for the date. I’ve seen podcast where women complain that when a man asked them to split the bill, it gives the woman a sense of “ick”. I find it interesting how they’re trying to use their feeling to cover over and justify the fact that they are actually taking advantage of the man.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:16 PM
1

How often has that happened for you? Many women believe that they should not be the ones asking a man out for dates and instead wait for the man to take the initiative.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:12 PM
4

That’s a helpful perspective. I agree with you, when I first started dating after my separation, I was quite needy. That put me in a vulnerable position, where women could take advantage of me by just expecting me to pay for everything. Perhaps my increasing reluctance to be taken advantage of like that is, in fact, an indicator that I have less neediness and more self-confidence. I think many of us going through the divorce process can perhaps relate. We feel so worthless and desperate after th…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:11 PM
2

Yes, some "offer" to split the bill, but they really want me to pay and very gladly accept my paying (back when I routinely paid) and often don't make much of an effort on subsequent dates to split the bill either. Several of them were wealthier than me, too.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 10:27 PM
3

Perhaps we are saying the same thing--I don't want to go through the meat grinder again and want to find a good partner. And I don't want her to venmo me after each date--I just want things to be "about equal".
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 10:20 PM
1

Just curious--why do you do that?
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 10:18 PM
1

Paying for coffee is not a big deal and I occasionally do coffee dates. But the second or third date is often a dinner.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 09:33 PM
1

I'm sorry you went through that. Did the prenup destroy your relationship before the marriage, or did it reveal to you that she was primarily after your money? Did the prenup help during the divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 09:15 PM
2

By the way, this website "maleofthefuture.com" has a lot of really bad advice and takes a very simplistic view of the world. I would think twice about what you read there. (I'm a middle-aged male and would not want my boys to behave like this)
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 08:31 PM
1

I think marriage has a lot of benefits and is worth it in order to have kids...with the right partner. As others have mentioned, a woman who has traits like "respect, empathy, dealing with adversity calmly, and good listening skills." I would add to that she should also bring joy into your life. I hope my sons get married. One way to assess if she is the right person is to ask for a prenup. Many women will get upset and try to shame you into declining a prenup. You have just learned that they ar…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 08:22 PM
13

Once I saw how the state/courts could just reach in and take 70% of my assets, I just stopped caring about money. The game is so rigged against middle-class men. It’s as if we are just cattle. Men are made to fight wars for the government, we are worked to the bone by the system, we’re taxed and asked to pay excessive percentages of alimony. Our kids are alienated from us. And on top of that, we are shamed and accused of being “entitled”. Entitled to what exactly? To being societies’ workhorse a…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 01:14 PM
2

It’s so hard to figure out what the right advice is for any one situation. In my case, I think I made the right amount of effort because, more than anything else, I have a clean conscience that I tried and that my marriage was irrevocably broken. In your case, it’s good that she likely will not intentionally engage in parental alienation. Younger kids are also more adaptable. Hope it works out for you.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 12:44 PM
2

Perhaps she wants to preserve the appearance of a healthy relationship without, you know, her having to make the effort to actually have a healthy relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 01:17 PM
1

Got it-you are in a different place than us newbies. Did you have a kid in your first marriage? I’ve found coping with my ex wife’s smear campaign against me, as she tries to poison my kids’ minds so they pull away from me, has been really really hard. I could never have imagined her saying the things she is saying now about me. It’s called parental alienation and is very common in divorce. If I try to defend against it, my kids perceive it as my validating her false claims. So I just have to be…
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 01:15 PM
2

Ok. Divorce is much worse than you can imagine. Men are 8x more likely to commit suicide after a divorce. I had suicidal thoughts weekly and am fortunate I survived. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 11:53 AM
2

The marriage counselor can give you specific things to do, like sensate therapy. Think of it like homework to help improve the relationship. Sure, there might not be much left to SAY, but there’s still potentially many things you could actually DO that might help your relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 11:20 AM
6

When I realized how incredibly happy I was to sleep in a bed by myself, away from her. I felt so secure, safe and content. No need to worry/be stressed by her refusal of any touch, no scolding/scorn. Sometimes I felt like I should pinch myself because I couldn’t believe how good I felt when I was away from her.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 10:16 AM
2

You should see a marriage counselor while you still have a chance to save your marriage, at least for the sake of your 5 year old. She is laying the mental groundwork for divorce: “he never really…” I have low confidence in marriage counseling, but at least you can say you tried. Also, read some books so you can learn therapy-speak and learn to identify key patterns/tricks
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 07:35 PM
6

Before you do any couples counseling, I recommend that you learn as much therapy speak as possible. Terms like gaslighting, stonewalling, and empathic rupture, etc. these terms will be used against you, so it’s helpful to understand so that you don’t look like a deer caught in the headlights. Read lots of books about relationships. At the very least, it will show your partner that you’re trying. Beware of your partner shifting the goalpost and moving to more extreme positions. The job of the the…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 12:03 PM
10

Well, if the marriage is not working, then I guess you will be getting divorced. My main piece of advice is: Do not be a pushover when it comes to alimony. You should be able to get at least 5-7 years of alimony, at perhaps $3,000 a month. Most important, you are entitled to a portion of her pension. Make sure to hire a good lawyer and FIGHT for what is yours. Don't let her shame you or guilt you into being a simp. By getting your fair share, you can help to ensure that you will have a safety cu…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 04:44 PM
3

I wrote my ex mother-in-law a letter telling her how grateful I was to have had her (my mother in law) in my life and that she had been a wonderful mother-in-law. She had been really kind to me during the marriage and accepting of me. I was a good husband and a good son-in-law. I think she was ashamed of her daughter’s (my ex-wife) behavior in deciding to request a divorce because I had done nothing wrong (no addiction, abuse or adultery and I had really tried to work on things in counseling.) I…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 12:37 PM
5

You, like many men, me included, have a shame based marriage, where the woman uses shame to try to control you. In what universe are you guilty for sending her to jail when she’s the one who initiated the crime? Oh, that’s right, it’s the universe in her head that only she lives in. Reflecting on your post, it’s also pretty clear that you have accepted behavior from her That is fundamentally unacceptable. I think you really need to look deep inside yourself and ask yourself why you allowed her t…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 12:27 PM
3

Since alimony cannot be waived in a prenup in your state, maybe it is to your benefit to negotiate the alimony upfront now. While, I know you’re having second thoughts because of the complexity of the prenup negotiation, the fact that she’s even willing to negotiate a prenup with you is a positive sign since most women her age are not. Since you have significant assets you’re coming into the marriage with, designate a third-party to represent those assets. Perhaps identify a lawyer who will repr…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 12:23 PM
3

It usually happens to me the first time with a new partner too. I explain it to them before we try to have sex that it is often the case. That destresses things, so that when we try again a little later, things work out. Most men over 50 have some degree of erectile dysfunction., and if you are taking a psychiatric med or blood pressure med, it will likely have an effect too.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 03:43 PM
15

I really can’t blame women for expecting men to fix their problems—there are so many simp men out there who eagerly will do that for them. I know because I was one of them. So, as a woman, it makes sense that if a man offers to do things for you, you say yes. Why would you say no? If the man offers to pay for dinner, why would you say no? If they offer to pay for your vacation, why say no? So in many ways, men have only themselves to blame for allowing themselves to be so subservient in the firs…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 07:01 PM
2

Set a goal for your life (something you want to accomplish at work, or a physical goal like running a half marathon, or start a club etc). That will help you move towards something positive in your future, as opposed to lingering on the past injustices. Let go of the trauma/victim mindset. The more you dwell on the past, the more she controls your mind and life. Do you want her to keep controlling your mind?
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 11:31 AM
4

Our society treats men as if they are expendable. We are sent to war, to do dangerous work, to suffer in silence while also being told that we are the problem and are constantly shamed in pop psychology. It makes sense that so many young men just choose to withdraw.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 12:22 PM
4

It's terrible. And so many feminist ignore this reality because they are so fixated on the narrative that "men are bad and women are good". Here is the article and quote: "Divorced men were over eight times more likely to commit suicide than divorced women (RR = 8.36, 95% CI = 4.24 to16.38). After taking into account other factors that have been reported to contribute to suicide, divorced men still experienced much increased risks of suicide than divorced women. They were nearly 9.7 times more l…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 07:56 PM
8

Divorce is brutal. The best way to manage that is to connect with people. Don’t retreat inward. Instead reach out. Sign up for clubs and activities; become more active in your church; join some different groups. Whatever you do, don’t sit at home alone. Men are eight times more likely to commit suicide after a divorce than women. In about one or two years, things will really start to get a lot better and you’ll be so glad you got a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 12:08 PM
1

If someone breaks your boundaries, you need to give them “the gift of your absence”—otherwise they will learn that your boundaries are meaningless and that inability on your part to enforce your boundaries may be one of the problems you need to work on. https://youtu.be/xSJcTX_USP8?si=dHkZwPOL5lv0ncjw Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/24 12:32 PM
3

If your gf is snooping on your phone, you are in an unhealthy relationship. You need to figure out why you are being attracted to, and allowing, these unhealthy relationships. You definitely need to discuss this with your therapist so you can heal yourself. You don’t need to necessarily break up with her while doing this therapy. In fact, staying with her could provide you with a good practice opportunity to apply the boundary-setting and other skills which you may lack.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 01:11 PM
4

Be a role model for your kids. Let that guide your behavior. Your ex-in-laws will be dead soon, but your kids will remember what you do and how you act.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 10:22 PM
5

Read “Gatekeepers: tactical guide to commitment” it has a well laid out list of criteria to decide whether she is a keeper. Don’t trust the momentary ups and downs of your emotions.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 12:51 PM
1

Men typically let themselves get screwed in divorce when they are married to a high income earner spouse. Don’t be that man. You will regret it for the rest of your life because, someday, when you have kids, the money you gave away to your first wife is money your kids won’t get. Divorce is hard. Don’t wimp out. Ask for what is fairly yours.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 12:51 PM
1

That must’ve been terrible to see that. (Alexa) I’m sorry you had to go through that
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:28 PM
1

I agree. I think god(s) have enough to worry about and I don’t want to distract them from more important things. I don’t mind being downvoted
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:24 PM
-3

If God loved you, why did he let you marry her? I think it is wonderful to have a belief in a higher power(s). However, it can be helpful to step back and ask how much they are directly involved in the minute-by-minute details of my life, and how much of my life is actually under my direct control. The more agency we feel we have over our life, the more empowered we are to act.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 06:09 PM
1

It does feel good to be treated with love and consideration after 20+ years of the opposite.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 05:14 PM
2

I’ve also noticed how damaging my ex was to my relationship with my kids because of her constant criticism of me. I just hope it doesn’t damage their own ability to be in relationships in the future because of what they saw for so long.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 01:02 PM
2

I’ve also noticed how damaging my ex was to my relationship with my kids because of her constant criticism of me. I just hope it doesn’t damage their own ability to be in relationships in the future because of what they saw for so long.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 01:01 PM
1

I’ve had the same experience
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 01:00 PM
2

I feel the same way
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 12:59 PM
5

They say there’s a reason why divorce is so expensive: because it’s worth every penny Sometimes, when I think about my life now compared to what it was before the divorce, I just can’t believe how long I put up with her sense of resentment and entitlement. Aside from having kids and getting to meet her family, her request for a divorce was the most wonderful gift she ever gave me. Sure, it hurt to lose more than a million dollars in the divorce, but no amount of money is worth what she put me th…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 12:42 PM
1

What helped you find a healthy relationship? Any advice?
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 12:36 PM
1

Yes, I’ve had a similar problem
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 06:35 PM
2

What do you offer those women that other men don’t? Why do they stay with you?
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 11:14 AM
0

Does she want a family/kids someday? Her biological clock only has another year or two left
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 11:13 AM
0

Why is that?
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 11:12 AM
1

Perhaps you might find this podcast interesting. It describes how dating is dysfunctional because of mistakes made by both genders: men are disengaging from dating (with excuses about how hard it is) while women have expectations that are too high. https://youtu.be/LZGsGRiWWBs?si=jDa10v7KochIeeag
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 09:38 PM
1

Are you seeing a couples therapist? Perhaps not anymore since she is your stbx, but If so, it may be useful to take some of these specific examples and discuss them with the therapist. Next time your stbx accuses you of gaslighting, you can say "I'm not sure you are using that term correctly. Let's discuss with the therapist."
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 06:30 PM
2

Good for you that you are making those improvements. Yes, I went through a divorce and am now in a much healthier relationship. I had a few unhealthy ones along the way, of course...but luckily I didn't make any financial commitments or remarry, so I was able to escape them.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 06:27 PM
1

In our first marriage, that ended in divorce, I think we were quite naïve and also didn’t fully know who we were as people. The trauma of going through a divorce often leads to significant discovery and can be a kick in the pants for many men as they realize the things that they did wrong, and also why they may have selected an unhealthy partner. Then, in the dating scene, we meet many people, most of whom are pretty dysfunction , and this helps us to continue to refine our ability to pick a hea…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 12:59 PM
3

Cutting away the dead flesh hurts, a lot, but it is the only way to ultimately heal. So yeah, many of us cried and hit rock bottom like you are doing now. But many of us have slowly started to heal. It just takes time and making the right choices.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 05:48 PM
3

I think you should focus on meeting people in real-life. That way, they get to know you a little before you tell them you are separated and it will be a little bit less likely that they will drop you the moment they hear you are separated, not yet divorced. Sign up for activities like pickleball, etc., to help alleviate the loneliness. This video may help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=572hnZKrovQ
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 05:44 PM
2

Do you have any sources for the statistic that the man's standard of living goes up?
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 05:41 PM
1

Your sentence "she shared so little in common with my wife..." shows that you are looking for a replacement for your wife, which is not going to work well in the world of dating. Each woman is unique and trying to find one that is like what you imagined your former wife to be, will be like finding a needle in a haystack. I understand the desire to start dating in order to fill the gaping void, but you are basically filling the void with dynamite. I think, instead, you should try filling your lif…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/23 10:41 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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