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dudefromyork Archive

View 0 posts and 300 comments by dudefromyork on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

Absolutely file first. She seems to be concentrating on her social life. Whilst she is distracted get your sh1t together and get a lawyer. Most will give you a free initial consultation. If you file first and it gets to court, you get to present first. Putting your case in pole position, she’s then got to refute your case. You control the narrative. Just make sure you try and keep calm and really concentrate on getting this right. Your kid and your future with them should be 100% focus.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 12:14 PM
3

My daughter was 10 when I split with her mother. She is thriving and 16 now. I am thriving and happy in another relationship. Everyone is better off to be honest with you, including my ex. It’s a tough time through the actual divorce and it will feel like you are going to break at some points, but the results are usually worth the effort, from what I’ve seen. It’s up to you if you want to stay in an unhappy relationship for the rest of your life. Or try branching out on your own.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 07:23 AM
2

You’re a grown man and you can talk to whoever you want to talk to. Or go to whatever function you want to go to. Court won’t care about the squabbling. Just the facts. If you are worried about your family having access after you’ve departed this plane of existence, then start having some time all together with your kid and splatter it all over social media to establish a provable pattern of involvement in your kid’s life.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 10:51 AM
56

If you got blindsided and are going to lose out financially, whilst your soon-to-be-ex shows entitlement and zero accountability, you’re in the right place. Penis or no penis. Hit the gym. Listen to your lawyer. Rebuild friendships. You got this, dude!
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 05:40 PM
1

What country are you in? Jewellery counts as a gift here in the UK unless it’s like a multi million pound family heirloom. It dates back to the 17 and 1800s where effectively this would be the woman’s only assets after divorce. Clearly not the case today but the laws remains. My ex wanted my mountain bike valued so she could get half. But I couldn’t go after her Tiffany necklace. It’s just how it is! 🤷
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 08:57 AM
5

I think 50/50 is perfect for me. I’m more present and focused when I do have my kids and I’m more available to my friends the weeks I don’t. I can say “yes” to more things without running it past committee! I also have time to get to the gym and work on my physical and mental health. Basically you are living for you and your kids now. Not someone else’s happiness. That weight off your shoulders is freeing. You just need to decide what to do with your freedom
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 06:42 AM
1

Ok. Try and stay out of the way. But if you think it’s going to kick off, record everything on your phone. In the uk you can record everything so long as there’s not a “reasonable expectation of privacy” - so no bedroom or bathroom etc. I think Aus is similar but you should check. She can have you court ordered out of the house by saying she feels threatened. What makes her feel threatened is arbitrary. Once you’ve been told to leave you’re fucked basically! So please be careful! 😬 Good luck and…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 07:25 AM
2

So lawyers letters only from now on. Just say you don’t feel comfortable talking to her about it and you’d rather do everything via your solicitor so it’s do done properly. She is not your friend anymore and probably won’t be for another 5 years soonest, if ever. How you play this next few weeks will determine your relationship with your kids and your finances forever. It’s not worth half arseing it now just so you don’t upset her. She’s going to be upset whatever. And she’s not used to hearing …
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 02:05 PM
1

Did you pick a lawyer OP? How are you holding up?
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 01:28 PM
1

You are being logical here! 😆 There’s no logic to this, it just is. Advice offered in good faith. Your mileage may vary etc….
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 11:22 AM
6

So the actual real world goes like this - a lot of family court judges are women. If you and your male lawyer are destroying a woman in court the optics are not good. It looks like two men bullying a defenceless woman. So the judge sides with the woman. It is logically inconsistent. It shouldn’t matter. But it does.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 01:16 PM
11

Just concentrate on being present for your son. You can only control what you do, not what she does. Your son will see this and you will rapidly become the safe, stable parent in his eyes. If she wants to burn their relationship that’s her choice. You do you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 12:09 PM
6

Here’s the best advice I got when divorcing: I can get my lawyer to write to you on letterheaded official looking paper, using a lot of important sounding legal term and sounding very ominous if you don’t comply. That letter is going to tell you that you have to buy me a Porsche. Are you going to buy me a Porsche? Take a little time choosing a lawyer (get a woman lawyer!). Then pick a good one and do exactly what they say. It’s a numbers game now buddy. You got this. Good luck!! 💪
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 10:00 AM
1

This - I’m 6 years out from the first revelations. I had major anxiety and panic attacks. Therapy and exercise did the most for me, however having a pack of propananol on hand helped with the panic attacks. Will just take away the physical symptoms. Your doctor should be able to write you up a prescription.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 09:26 AM
1

Really love this. I’m far more present for my kids having them every other week, being happily and stably on my own than I was in a dreadful marriage. And they have told me that they are happier, I am happier and their mom is happier.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 01:21 PM
2

The one about staying together for the children is probably the most important point in a very, very good list!
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 01:18 PM
1

Good man. There’s nothing bad that can come from that! Your next girlfriend thanks you!😆
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 05:23 PM
1

You will be fine, you know. I’m 5 years on from my divorce and I’ve never been happier. Just stay focused and try not to take any of it too personally. Cool heads prevail! 😀
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 05:16 PM
1

Exactly this!! 🙄😄😆
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 05:06 PM
9

By the time you get to therapy it’s already too late. Wives decide their marriage is over and done with probably months before you even recognise a problem. Therapy also lets them say “look, I tried” and makes them feel better about breaking up the family. Basically it’s performative and it’s not for your benefit.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 05:05 PM
2

So much truth here. Find some self respect and call time!
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 07:22 PM
2

It’s not a great topic of conversation for a first date! 😆 Just work on you for a while. You’ll know when you’re ready. Conventional wisdom is one month off dating for every year you were with someone. There’s no shortcuts or power ups. Maybe think about some therapy. You might find your health insurance provider covers it or there is an employee assistance program at your job.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 07:19 PM
10

I was just about where you are and lockdown hit us in the UK and I had to spend another 6 months locked in the house with her! So it could be worse! 🤣 This will pass. Your married friends will invariably side with her. Regardless of what the circumstances were. They might come back round in a couple of years, they might not. But yeah. Nobody cares much apart from your mom. That’s pretty much how it is for everyone on the man’s side. You will see your STBX getting help, hugs and handouts. And you…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 07:09 PM
3

Your friend is being your friend! Just be careful you don’t get into smoking weed daily. You need to be motivated and keep exercising right now and becoming a regular toker again really will kill that! I’d recommend not dating anyone for another 6-12 months. Get yourself together. Be content and focused on yourself for a while. Be happy with your own company. Try a few new hobbies. When you want a beer and a smoke go see your friend. Once you have your sh1t together a little more you can dip you…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 06:58 PM
2

Caveat: Not a lawyer just a UK guy who has had a messy divorce! Talk to your solicitor!! In the UK inheritance isn’t part of the divorce settlement unless you bring it in to the “marital assets”. So for example if you inherited money and used it to buy your family home, then raised a family in it, it would be a “matrimonial asset”. So split up accordingly. In your case this is money left to you specifically and you aren’t wanting to use it to bring into the marriage. So your ex should have no cl…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 12:35 PM
2

This is such a great tip!! Post divorce it gives you a bit of social as well with the other parents!
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 12:20 PM
6

He’s had his fun and he’s on his way. She had hoped they would ride off into the sunset together but he’s pulled the rug. Now, without another man to support her, she’s panicked. You’re the backup plan buddy. Do you want to live the rest of your life knowing she screws other guys and you’re the backup plan? If you do, fine. But you’re never gonna not know that from now on. You can choose to leave. And start again. It will be shit, for 12-18 months. Then you’ll have your dignity back. It really i…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 12:16 PM
1

Get it out of your system. And don’t have any preconceptions about “who you are”. You’re finding out!
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/25 08:46 AM
13

They don’t regret it. They only regret that the affair partner didn’t leave their wife. If he wanted her, she would have been gone in a second. The regret is that she thought you would be the backup plan and take her back. But you didn’t. She regrets her miscalculation not what she did.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/25 08:38 AM
7

So before you start looking to date again you need to get yourself together. There’s value in being where you are now. You probably need to rest and regroup. But if you’re now wondering “what next” it’s almost definitely time to move forward. You need to do two things first, in my experience. First join a gym or find something that will get you physically fit and out of the house. Gym is probably the best bet. Then make it part of your routine. You will start to see results after 3 weeks. In 3 m…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 03:17 PM
1

Yeah OP has seven kids already. Strong swimmers!! 🫣🤣
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 09:05 PM
15

Ok. Let’s say she wants to go all “silver bullet divorce” all of a sudden. Picture the scene: You have a few drinks together. She entices you into some rough sex and you both really go for it. Next day she’s got handprints on her and your dna all over her. She goes to the ER. She calls the cops. She says it wasn’t consensual. You’re now looking at jail time and never seeing your kids again. Worth it?
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 12:12 PM
1

Came here to say this. Whoever she was cheating with has told her he’s not leaving his wife. Now you’re the backup. Don’t fall for it. Continue with the paperwork and watch your back.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 02:30 PM
4

It’s still not completely gone for me and I’m 4 years out of there. You’re never going to be the same, but you should always remember what you learned about yourself and about others.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 03:08 PM
1

Why wouldn’t you get 50:50 custody? Believe me buddy I was in the same boat. It’s (imo) better that they have a safe space half the time than tension 100% of the time). You’re just wasting your own life away when you could be happy and be more present the 50% of the time you do get the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 05:47 PM
1

You want to give up 6 years of your life to just coast along in an unloving unsatisfying relationship? That’s like 7% of your allotted time on earth maybe? Take it from someone who wishes he hadn’t wasted time and got out earlier. Do it now and get it done with l!
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 03:13 PM
4

This sounds like a job for a lawyer. Ideally you’d have records of exactly what you pay and when. A court will decide if this is fair or not. If she has income and it’s not a million miles from yours, you might be better off after a court decides. Anecdotally the pendulum seems to be swinging back to partial parity in the way men are treated after divorce, so stick to your guns! But definitely talk to a lawyer!
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 09:54 AM
8

Yes. Wasted 20 years of my life. I love my kids tho. It’s a hard circle to square to be honest.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 09:12 AM
1

She was seeing someone. He didn’t want her long term. Now she wants her fall-back plan. But she’s messed it up. That’s why she’s angry.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 09:09 AM
1

As a point of reference OP: https://ultimateclassicrock.com/the-rolling-stones-children/ I think you have plenty of time yet, if that’s what you want.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 11:43 AM
6

Pull the trigger. And keep pulling it until it clicks.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 12:02 PM
1

Enforce the terms of your agreement. Whether you want to or not…it sets boundaries right off the bat.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/25 09:19 AM
2

Some of the best advice I got during my divorce: I can get my lawyer to write to you. I’m going to get him to use a lot of threatening legal sounding language. And I’m going to get him to tell you that you have to buy me a Ferrari. Are you going to go out and buy me a Ferrari? Only a judge can tell you what to do and you actually have to do it. Lawyers are like yapping lap dogs. Get your own lawyer. Only make sure she’s a Rottweiler!
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/25 08:55 AM
3

Get to your lawyer immediately. And go to the police station and see what they say. She can’t just “do a runner” with your kid. The sooner you get active the sooner you see your daughter again. Have you got her parents or siblings numbers? You need to call them as well. Be prepared for the fake DV allegations. “I had to flee because he was abusing me”. So act calmly and don’t raise your voice.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 09:15 AM
5

Has she just disappeared with your daughter? You need to get to the police station now and also get your lawyer to get a court order. There’s no such thing as an amicable divorce and women can pretty much do whatever they want with impunity. Get your game face on and set your boundaries right away.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 08:50 AM
0

My ex answered the door in a towel last kids exchange. It happens buddy.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 12:33 PM
2

Whatever trap she set there you just walked into it my friend. Now she can make you out to be crazy/controlling/abusive. You need to not react. Like anything she does or says is incidental to you. No effects. Just keep your cool and don’t react. Easier said than done though. Have you tried the meditation apps like headspace or calm?
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 10:13 AM
2

You got this! 🙂
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 10:07 AM
5

Mate I thought I’d be doing cartwheels up and down my driveway when the divorce came through finally. What I actually did was sit and look at the wall for an hour. It’s a shock. It makes it all real. It hurts that you feel that you failed. It will also get better. The slate is wiped clean. What you do next is up to you.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 11:18 AM
4

Fuck yeah brother! Wait until you hang your laundry out to dry!! 😂
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 01:14 PM
8

I’ve never met a man who’s come out of counselling and said “you know what, it turns out not everything is my fault”. It’s a one sided game and the house always wins! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 12:44 PM
1

Over 0.5674% of statistics are made up. Sauce? I’m
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 01:33 PM
1

Therapy is going to help you here. There’s a big part of your psychological makeup that’s there to deal with all that negativity from your ex. When she’s gone it has nothing to do and it will find something else to do. This might be what you miss. If you look at your medical insurance it might cover therapy. Workplaces have employee assistance programs as well that might help if you say you’re struggling after the divorce. There’s a bunch of ways to fund it. It helped me out enormously and there…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 10:23 AM
8

“Not my circus, not my monkeys!” 😆
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 09:52 AM
10

I just read this and have no advice other than to draw a line under the whole thing and move on. This is just madness. Hope it works out for you buddy! 😆
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/25 09:00 AM
1

Wow this is so spot on. I described myself as being like Bruce Willis in 6th Sense. Great metaphor for dysfunctional relationships right there.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 10:54 AM
2

Think of it this way. If your son came to you in 20 years time and told you exactly what you told us, what would your advice be to your son?
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 10:51 AM
2

Seriously mate! Start planning your exit.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 09:53 AM
3

Believe me, it is better for your kid to have two happy separated parents than live in a war zone. At the very least one happy separated parent! That thing about constant fear of being shouted at -verbally and emotionally abused - is not right. You need to get out of that. I’m 4 years out this month and still speaking to a therapist about this trauma. You might want to see a therapist first and talk about this stuff. I did so by telling my ex I was going to talk about all the things that made he…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 09:52 AM
2

This is fine to say that. That might be what she feels. You can’t tell her what to do or what to feel. What you can do is set your boundaries. If she’s wanting to “find herself” let her walk away. You don’t have to wait around whilst she does that though. You can say that’s not what you want too and break things off. She’s already shot herself in the foot by leaving the family home!
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 02:39 PM
1

True. But not being able to do those things is what kills your relationship in the first place. Cause and effect and all that!
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 01:47 PM
4

With time and distance I’ve come to understand cheating is a symptom of a dead relationship. It’s a shitty thing to do, but it happens both sides so frequently it would be hard to argue it’s not human nature. A better way to think OP, putting the who did what to who aside, would be this: Do I want to spend the rest of my life like this? If not, you should leave.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 10:06 AM
2

You should tell her if your kids are going to be spending time with this person. As an FYI - you are not asking for permission. Other than how it impacts the kids it’s absolutely nothing to do with her.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/25 01:52 PM
5

Absolutely not. She is a constant source of stress and anxiety. It’s been 4 years and she still goes out of her way to make life difficult. The sooner the kids are grown, the sooner I can have nothing more to do with her.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/25 01:21 PM
-1

Go home. Raise your kid. Tell your wife that you know she did this on purpose and tell her that she’s on her last warning. She knows what she did. And what it cost you. If she can’t accept that divorce her. You gotta be there for that kid though. That’s your responsibility now.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 04:19 PM
9

Divorce is like the ending of the Shawshank Redemption. There’s a kinda shit-filled tunnel to crawl through. A very long unpleasant tunnel. But once you’ve done it you’re free to make your own journey.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 09:50 AM
5

You’ve got two options. Work hard at your marriage and hope that the trust returns at some point. You probably have a 1-in-20 chance of success. Or you call it quits and start over. It will be difficult for 18 months but you will come out of the other side with a blank canvas in front of you. It’s up to you how you want to spend the rest of your life. Go size up a lawyer and a gym though just in case! 😁
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 10:26 AM
1

Listen to your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 10:15 AM
1

Yes. She is doing the same although for different purposes. If she gets full custody she doesn’t have to pay child support. This is purely a numbers game now. Try not to think about it personally..,
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 10:14 AM
6

Mate, she’s already planning to divorce you most likely the minute you step out of the house. This is probably going to be considered deserting your family and she will make it look that way to a judge if it gets to court. Likely she had this all planned out already based on advice from friends who are already divorced or from a lawyer. Go see three different lawyers and pick the one you think gets it most. Take their advice. None of this can hurt the situation you’re in. Real talk. We’re always…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 10:17 AM
1

You should not stay for the kids sake. All you are doing is making them live in a toxic household and teaching them the wrong things about what healthy relationships look like. It’s going to cost you money to become single again though and a lot of it. It’s up to you what your values are and how much you can put up with to stay comfortable but unhappy.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 10:13 AM
2

I can get my lawyer to write a very official sounding letter that says that you have to buy me a Ferrari. Are you going to buy me a Ferrari? Do exactly what your lawyer tells you and don’t ever lose your temper or raise your voice against her. Record all interactions if your local laws allow.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/24 11:32 PM
1

That’s not how life works unfortunately. Boundaries need to be set and red lines drawn. Decisions made to keep the peace now will impact the rest of OPs life. Women get this. It’s a numbers game for 6 months. And she needs to know that he can push back as well. Coparenting does not mean “do exactly what mom wants each and every time”. This is where he shows that.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 05:23 PM
1

I was about to leave my ex - proceedings were underway and it was unpleasant to say the least. Then COVID hit and we were locked in a house together for 5 months. 🤣 Just keep out of her way. Record in communal spaces if your local law allows. That way she can’t get you on domestic abuse. And get the lawyers to settle things quickly. Stick to your red lines but don’t sweat the small stuff. Do not leave the house until a signed agreement is in place.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 05:18 PM
12

Want to be the “gay best friend” and hear all about her new adventures in dating? If you do, great. If not you need to cut all the ties you can. Some people are lucky enough to bond again a fair few years later and be friendly-ish. Most do not. She’s feeling guilty and doesn’t want you to hate her l. But here’s the thing - she doesn’t get a say in what you do and don’t do from now on.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 05:08 PM
2

Thank you for the thoughtful and honest reply. I hope you find that guy. It does seem like you have some stuff to talk through with someone, particularly the part where you think everyone is going to die! 😆 Once you have that under control, I’m sure you’ll make some bloke very happy. And they will be lucky to have you as their partner. Just be mindful that they’re going to have their stuff as well and their version of an ideal relationship. It’s never going to be the same as yours. And you can’t…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 09:33 PM
9

Get to a lawyer right away. Not tomorrow (I used to smoke weed, seriously dude do it today and don’t put it off. You need to get out and do this before you take another hit!!). Most will give you a free initial consultation. I’d try and see 3 and pick the one that gets you most. Start doing stuff with your kid and posting it all over social media. Parks. Museums. Anything you can think of. This is a media blitz. Everyone needs to see you being a great dad. And probably cut the weed out. Firstly …
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 03:25 PM
3

Why do you want to get married again? Could you be happy long term with great dates and weekends away but living separately? This seems to be more of the norm (based solely on my unscientific observations) for over 40s who have been previously married. You’re independent enough to live your own life and only get the best of the other person.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 03:04 PM
9

My regret is not doing it earlier. Wasted a year trying to fix it with couples therapy and “giving it another go” but the truth was our marriage was a busted flush a long time ago. Should have ripped the plaster off sooner. Truth is I stayed out of fear of being alone rather than any genuine attempt to make the marriage work again. Had I recognised this sooner I would have left sooner. Therapy on your own is good. Couples therapy much less so.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 08:54 AM
1

This is really good advice. Excellent post!!👍
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 08:33 AM
1

She had an affair, right? This isn’t all your fault. Have you had legal representation up to this point?
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 03:59 PM
1

How long would the sale be deferred for? And how enforceable is the sale when she inevitably tells you to f*ck off in a couple of years time when you ask her to sell?
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 02:39 PM
2

This. My ex still tries this now. The only thing that upsets me now is the very rare occasions when I bite.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 11:52 AM
1

They might be part of a fringe Mormon movement? In which case two wives is rookie numbers.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 04:24 PM
8

“In sickness and in health” I was thinking it was fair enough to divorce a guy who didn’t want children. But maybe he doesn’t want children because he might die before they can say “Daddy”. Or he might be too I’ll to be part of their lives. But you know. So long as you get exactly what you want from all this and aren’t inconvenienced by your husband’s suffering in any way. You go for it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 01:39 PM
2

Your situation sounds so much like mine. I was terrified throughout the process. What she might do. What she might invent. How I had to keep her calm all the time. She assaulted me physically a number of times. Police took her to a nearby hotel one night. It was crazy looking back on it. The thing is, once you’re away from her direct influence/control you start to get your old self back. And a bit of perspective. You can see what she is. And she becomes very predictable. Like I said in another p…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 08:50 AM
2

Please consider carefully before going to couples therapy. It might just give her the information to know exactly how to hurt you. Think about what you are saying and what she might do with that information. Couples therapy is not a good idea In abusive relationships
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:32 AM
1

If your best friend told you this story, what would you tell him to do?
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:29 AM
3

Oh god I’m so glad someone else recognises this! Great advice!
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:27 AM
1

She really won’t see it coming. Although it sounds like she’s going to go off the deep end when it does happen. Be prepared OP!
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:23 AM
2

Best. Advice. Ever! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:22 AM
3

This might normally be a good piece of advice. Alternatively you are dealing with someone with cluster B personality disorders. And everything you say at therapy is turned into a targeted attack. You tell them exactly how to get to you. Better- in my opinion- to go to therapy for himself on his own and figure some things out.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:21 AM
5

You pay for the house.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:18 AM
3

You have something of an edge here. She won’t even think about you getting your shit together and leaving her. It will not occur to her that you would even think of doing that. So go see a lawyer. Actually see 3 and go with the one you feel best about. Most will give you a free initial consultation. Then you are on the clock. I used to be terrified of my ex wife and walked on eggshells the entirety of my life waiting for the next rage incident. Whatever it will cost you financially - and you sho…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:16 AM
1

Talk to a bank then about what your mortgage might look like if you remortgage and buy her out? Can you borrow money from family? There will be a number you can afford every month. How do you get to that number? If you’re never going to get there you need to sell the house. I left a lot of equity in the house so the ex could stay there. But I have clauses that she has to buy me out/sell the home if she gets remarried or when my daughter hits 21. Sadly she didn’t marry her AP like I thought she w…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:03 AM
4

Don’t leave the house. It’s your house too. Why leave it? Unless you think she’s going to say you hit her. Get to a lawyer right away. Like in the next 30 minutes right away. 50/50 custody. No maintenance. Set your stall out!
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 08:45 AM
4

Does your medical insurance cover mental health treatment? It might well do and you might be eligible to go see a specialist. Maybe your work has a mental health hotline or employee assistance thing? Sounds like you got hit hard by all this. Physically if you got hit by a car you’d go to the hospital. Same with mental health. You got hit by a car and you should go see a doctor. Absolutely no shame in it whatsoever these days. It’s really common in men. I went for some counselling. At least two o…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 09:29 AM
1

Ok. Some awesome advice here already! Just to help you calm down, here’s what my solicitor told me. So he could write to me, in a very official legal sounding document, saying that I had to buy him a Ferrari. And that things would go badly for me if I didn’t buy him a Ferrari within 7 days. That doesn’t mean I have to buy him a Ferrari. The only person who can make me buy him a Ferrari is a judge. And a judge will see through all the bullshit in his letter and decide an outcome based on the prov…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 10:42 PM
2

If this were the other way round, the higher earner man would get screwed over in court. She probably knows this. And the offer of no child support seems like she’s lowballing you. I would advise consulting with another attorney on your own. Just for a second opinion. For the record I myself “didn’t want to make too many waves” for an easy life. I regret that now. Although I did get 50% custody and the fabricated DV and abuse allegations she threatened if I didn’t play ball never materialised. J…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 03:37 PM
3

I get this. But how long does the guy have to suffer before he calls it quits and gets to live a life he enjoys? You can’t stay in a bad marriage indefinitely and have good mental health.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 03:27 PM
5

Do you want to live the rest of your life like that? Imagine in ten/fifteen years time your kids came up and told you what you just said to us. What advice would you give them? You can walk away from the relationship and still be there for your kids. Absolutely doable.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 11:59 AM
1

Your lawyer should know how to handle this. But yeah, this happens all the time. Doesn’t mean anything if it’s not true. Did you deny everything in front of the priest as well?
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 11:56 AM
7

It’s hard mate. Especially if it’s coming out of the blue. But get straight to a lawyer. There’s no winning/losing situation here. You just need to get out of this in a situation that you can live with. There’s a long life in front of you. How that pans out for the next 5-10 years depends 100% on what happens now. Your head will be spinning but you need to focus on doing what is right for you now. It will help take your mind off the divorce. Sign up for a mediation app like headspace to clear yo…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 10:35 AM
4

You go to the lawyers office. Most will give a free consultation to start with. Then you get online and find a new job asap if you have children. Depending on how your lawyer advises you. It might be a good thing. Can’t come after you for alimony if you don’t have a job!
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 10:12 AM
7

Mate. Hate to be the one to bring this up. But does she talk about any guys at work? If you’re the one who “never appreciates her” maybe someone else is giving her attention? Either way you can sit back and watch all this unfold while her lawyers take you to the cleaners, or you can act. If anything she’ll respect you more for acting! See a lawyer. Today. Interview 3 and go with the one you feel gets you the best. And if you only take one single piece of advice today it’s this: Do not - ever eve…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 08:32 AM
7

If you can live with 50-50 and - if you try your hardest to be objective - you can live with the settlement in offer, strike a deal right now whilst she appears lucid. You will never know what’s going on in that head of hers and it’s not a great use of your time dwelling on it. Just play the hand in front of you. The peace of mind is so worth it when it’s all wrapped up and legally binding!
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 08:24 AM
5

Could be scammers. I got a lot of this when I changed my relationship status on Facebook. It’s spam. Best ignore it!
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 08:35 PM
3

I don’t think anyone says that it’s easy. But for most of us the outcome is ultimately for the best. Personally I had 2 years in therapy. And was a horrible mess for about 9 months. But I’m 4 years out and pretty much the most content I have ever been. I think the message I’d take from this sub would be “it will be better one day, keep going”
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 12:05 PM
1

Yes. Much.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 11:31 AM
-2

I’m not sure I’m with the DNA test. I thought about that in my own situation. But I love that kid regardless and you’re going to have to think about the impact on that little girl, through no fault of her own, who’s daddy is just going to walk out on her. You absolutely have to divorce your wife. To do anything else is to live in constant tension for the rest of your life. But think of what’s best for the kid as well. This isn’t on her.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 11:41 AM
8

Forewarned is forearmed. Your going to got forward in life with your eyes open and more realistic expectations.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 09:11 AM
3

How did it go OP…??? I’m a bag of nerves on your behalf! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 11:32 AM
2

Always file first. Get it n the front foot. If it goes to court you will get to put your case first and then her lawyer will have to refute what you say rather than the other way around. Shows you mean business. And you get to finally take some control into your own hands which sounds psychologically important to you right now. Are you going to make it happen or wait for it to happen to you?
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 08:10 AM
8

I got close to that in pounds sterling giving up a house. I joke to my friends I would gladly pay double that to live the life I live now. It will pass. You will build again. And you’ll be happier.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 03:35 PM
9

Do you want to spend the rest of your life living like that? Or would you rather have some freedom/peace and quiet?
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 04:34 PM
2

It’s up to you mate I suppose. Do you actually want to be the gay best friend who she talks to about her boyfriend troubles? Whilst paying the bills?
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 03:28 PM
1

If you’ve got great arms, they can overlook a lot! 😆
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/24 11:52 AM
3

I did exactly what you are doing, although my kids are somewhat older (10&13 at the time I moved out). Firstly for you. You’re going to get a fresh start in your own place. I’m from the UK but the phrase “An Englishman’s home is his castle” never rang truer. I had a fresh canvas. And the quiet, stressless environment I needed to get my head right. The day I walked in to my new house I lay on the living room floor looking at the ceiling for about an hour and let the peace wash over me. I was out.…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 12:38 PM
2

That’s what friends are for!🤷‍♂️😆
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 01:17 PM
2

You raise your voice even a little bit and she’s “frightened you were going to hit her” and there’s a court order. You want to play that game? What’s the upside? All you can do is set good examples and parent to the best of your ability when you do have your girl.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 09:00 AM
3

This is really good advice. Spend lots of time with them now and absolutely plaster social media with it. That’s good evidence when it comes to court. Also watch yourself for the domestic violence accusations. That’s how she gets her money - you get thrown out and can’t see your kids. Judge enforces that status quo. Fucked for life. Get a recording device and find out about recording laws where you are.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 08:51 AM
2

So whatever the story she’s developed in her head to justify how she treated you, it’s not going to change. She’s made up some version of events where you are the bad guy. It’s not actually worth a single second of your time trying to set the record straight. What you can do is set boundaries now. Which sounds like what you have done. Now she’s going to test those boundaries (her reaction with lies about the past was doing just that). Just stay on your boundaries. She’ll back off when you stick …
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 04:04 PM
1

DO NOT GIVE HER EVERYTHING THAT SHE WANTS!! The harder you work now the better your life will be in a years time. You need to create a decent life for yourself and for the 50% of the time your kids want to be with you. If you stay on this course buddy, you’re literally throwing away the rest of your life. Get a lawyer. Immediately if not sooner. Start to exercise - it’s really important for lifting your mental health. Go see a therapist and get this stuff off your chest. And prepare for the inev…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 12:23 PM
2

If he eats her out she has less money and he needs to pay her more for an equitable settlement. He could maybe go for $700 and meet her in the middle to shave off some cash. But he should weigh that against his legal fees. Sounds like he’s not getting burned too badly, which is the best most of us can hope for
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/24 12:33 PM
3

The kids will feel bad if they don’t get her something. It’s also the right thing to do for them, as opposed to for you. Just a card and a token gift should do the job.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 08:50 AM
8

“When your enemy is making mistakes, don’t interrupt them” - Napoleon Bonaparte, 1805 Document. Record. Get witnesses. Get your lawyers advice and maybe get a restraining order of some description. Tell your bank she doesn’t have your permission to withdraw money. Get everything on record as much as possible. You need to roll with the punches for now. If/when this gets to court she’s screwed herself. Keep calm. Let nature take its course! 😉
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 09:03 AM
3

It’s hard mate. It really is. But you’re doing the right thing. Do you really want to spend the next 10 years knowing that you’re second choice and waiting for this to happen again? Lawyer. Gym/cycling or running. Therapist if you can afford one (my health plan from work paid for mine, see if you’re covered and how you might get referral?). Strictly business from now on. In 12-18 months you’ll be a free, happy man! The harder you work now the better it will turn out for you.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 08:53 AM
2

This is an all too common ploy. She wants to make you out to be dangerous. So she can get you out of the house and keep that house. Bonus is that it might also mean that she’s getting more custody. The more custody she gets the more you pay her in maintenance. The truth is no longer relevant sadly it’s about painting a picture for court. If she’s doing this she’s already getting advice from a lawyer. Forget about what the “truth” is. Doesn’t matter. Get your lawyer involved. You are in pure numb…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 09:02 AM
3

Can I echo the “lawyer up/hit the gym” stuff. Is she close to graduating her degree? Your usefulness has probably passed now if so. It’s a bitter pill, but the sooner you swallow it, the sooner you can get better. File first. Be in the driving seat. Get on the front foot. See 3-4 lawyers and go with the one you feel gets the situation best,not necessarily the one you liked the most !
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 09:07 AM
3

A tale as old as time! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 07:10 PM
5

Are you 100% certain that she’s not going to use you to support her through school then leave you, possibly taking half your stuff when she does? If not, back away.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 01:09 PM
19

Some really good advice I got about this. Your ex likely decided that your marriage was over a couple of years before you even knew there was a problem. She’s been moving on and planning her next steps since then. You aren’t at the same stage as her. You’re two years behind. And it’s not all that helpful comparing your progress to hers. Don’t compare your chapter 5 to her chapter 50..you will go crazy. Do your own story in your own time.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 09:19 AM
2

Don’t move out yourself though! Worst mistake you can make is to immediately move out.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 08:49 AM
6

You’re going to get absolutely annihilated in the next couple of months unless you wake the fuck up my friend. It will be all “let’s be friends” until you get into the details of who gets what financially and who gets what custody. Then the gloves will be off (at least from her side) and it will be a pure numbers game. You might be able to be friends in 18 months when the dust settles (98%of people aren’t - ask yourself why that is?). You’ve got to look after yourself first and foremost now. Can…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/24 03:11 PM
4

Ouch. I feel for you. I had chronic anxiety, mainly from being gaslit and bullied for finding out about her affair(s). It’s horrible. You should get a lawyer immediately if not sooner. And get access to your kids immediately. Your doctor will attest to your ability to be around them
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 09:04 AM
10

So much this. I’m 3 years in my own place. My gf also has her own place. We’re both agreed we don’t want or need to move in together at any point in the foreseeable future. I love having my own place to myself or with my kids home (I have 50% care time). I have a star wars rug that I absolutely love that would never have passed “committee”! Other than that it turns out I have good eye for interior design. I have a mini gym in the garage. I go out when I want. Life couldn’t be much better tbph.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:59 PM
10

It gets better. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. Please believe me. It really will be so much better about 18 months from now. You just gotta get through it. Some great advice on this thread already. Just one piece of advice from me. Whatever it us, never ever ever think “she wouldn’t do that to me”. She will. And if she isn’t already she’s planning to. Trust your gut instincts, that’s your subconscious trying to protect you.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 09:48 AM
3

I kinda emotionally neglected her and took her for granted a little. But she became bitter, unloving and resentful over time. I’m still unsure what the cause/effect relationship was between those two things. The biggest thing I would have done in hindsight would have been to tell her that I was unhappy and worked on things sooner before it was too late. But then she could have done the same. Recognising and being accountable for what you did is an important part of moving on. Recognising what wa…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 01:01 PM
12

She’s screwing with your head. Her dating is fine if that’s what she wants to do. None of your business anymore. She doesn’t get to talk to you about it like you’re her gay best friend. She knows exactly what she’s doing here and the intent is to get attention from you and emasculate you and maintain control over you. Tell her that you’re not interested in her sex life and stick to communication only when necessary (kids, house, bills etc.)
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 10:26 AM
4

Interestingly (?) in UK law women are entitled to keep any and all jewellery and this does not form part of any assets to be split in a divorce settlement. This goes back to olden times when the “Lady” would not get much at all in a divorce and her Jewellery would be the only thing she could sell to get back on her feet. So I guess modern western attitudes to gifting jewellery and its status in a divorce are based around these 18th/19th century values. My mountain bike was fair game for a valuat…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 02:58 PM
4

In the first year, mutual friends took her side. As did her family (understandably). Her family didn’t know about “intimate details” of the situation but this would not have mattered. Now after 3 years it’s all changed. My former in-laws and I do gifts for birthdays/Christmas and talk a couple of times a year on the phone. I’ve started seeing more of the couples that were on her team initially. It’s just all settled down nicely.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 02:30 PM
2

Meditation might help you. Hear me out!! Your mind is in overdrive right now and you’re 100% in panic mode. Imagining all kinds of worst cases. If you download something like Headspace or Calm and spend 10-20 minutes a day on it, you will give your overworked/overheating brain a break and this will help you no end. Just relief from the fear and worry. It worked for me when I thought I was going to have to get medical help! Please give it a try mate….
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 04:44 PM
7

It’s fairly simple in my mind. The worse of a person you are - or can be made out to be - the more justifiable their behaviour during the divorce is to them.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 04:39 PM
2

We can only try and trust karma to do the work for us in the end. The fact is that in the real world nobody really cares about who did what and when in my relationship. They’ve got their own personal life and their own problems. Best you can hope for is a friend to say “that sucks mate, do you want another beer?”.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 05:21 PM
12

You will never get the whole truth. It took me a long time and quite a bit of therapy. The odds are that whatever you think your STB ex has been doing it’s likely worse than you think and had been going on for longer. You are going to have to deal with the fact that you will never know. It’s absolutely maddening right now but I can tell you that in 12-18 months you will not even give it more than a passing thought. All you can do now is knuckle down and work hard with your lawyer so as to get as…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 09:58 AM
1

So. Maybe do this. Get your retaliation in first. Hit her with that claim before she can do it to you. Maybe bait her into an argument you can record when you know she’s had a drink.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 10:24 AM
2

You just gotta record everything. I put a shortcut on my Home Screen to insta-record. Got me out of the sh*t a couple of times. But check the local laws where you live around the legality of this. For example here in the UK you can secretly record in “public areas” like kitchen and living rooms, but not when there is a “reasonable expectation of privacy” like bedroom or bathroom. This is probably the second best piece of advice I got.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 09:50 AM
1

About £400k Sterling, all told. I’d pay double that to be out of my marriage and away from my ex! 😆
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/24 10:03 AM
7

Try out the dating over 40 sub for advice. And hit the gym!! :D
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/24 12:40 PM
1

I used to get hit in the night for snoring. New girlfriend says I don’t snore. Go figure.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/24 04:30 PM
7

Mate, you are in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I’ve been there. When you’re on the inside you can’t see it. It’s not something that just happened overnight. The dial was gradually turned up over years, most likely. Now I want you to do this. Imagine one of your kids was telling you what you have just told us. What would your advice to them be? And be as honest with yourself as possible. Document everything. Record if your local laws allow. See a lawyer and explain everything. P…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/24 12:44 PM
1

Also had a female therapist. She was great. Actually quite helpful to talk to a woman about another woman. She told me that I was in an abusive relationship and things my ex said and did shouldn’t be shrugged off as normal.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/23 09:58 AM
3

Line up your ducks. Get a good lawyer. File first. Don’t ever move out of the house unless your lawyer tells you to.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/23 04:58 PM
1

Buyers market at the moment? I’d take the money and try to use it as a deposit. You can maybe get a bargain on a new house whist the market is down…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 09:54 AM
5

Probably the best 60 minutes of my life. I was on my own. It was calm. Quiet. Empty. All the things my head hadn’t been for years. I found myself lying on the living room floor and looking at the ceiling for about 20 minutes. Just thinking about what was happening next. My mom was bringing my kids over. I had beds to make (literally, self assembling furniture - I had two suitcases full of clothes and that was all I possessed!). I had meals and shopping to plan. I was going out with my buddies at…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 02:03 PM
2

It’s a crazy mindset to get out of isn’t it? I’ve been with a woman for about 18 months now who also has kids. And a good job and her own house. She’s actually the one who told me “I’ve done all that, I enjoy spending time with you, why does our relationship have to go anywhere”. We see each other for a couple of days every 2 weeks. It’s going great. She’s amazing. Bit as soon as it’s not going great, we’re both under no illusions! 😆
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/23 05:04 PM
6

Honestly mate, you don’t owe anyone anything. You can tell your new lady friend that you think she’s great but that things aren’t working out for you. Wish her well and be on your way. Maybe you just don’t want to deal with that anymore? And do you know what! You don’t have to if it’s not suiting you. You don’t have to marry her to avoid hurting her feelings….not every relationship has to be forever.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/23 04:30 PM
1

So you hook up. Then she says it wasn’t consensual. And you’re now a sex offender. Who won’t get any custody. And the kids need to be provided for so you won’t see any of that house money. Plus maintenance. And you will lose your job. And all your friends will believe her (…because they can’t not) so you will lose them too. Worth it?
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/23 01:27 PM
6

Such a good reply. OP - do you want to wait around until your ex has “played the field” a little (spoiler: a lot in fact)? Or do you want to hit the gym and get out there and meet some new women/have some adventures?
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/23 01:16 PM
6

What will be really interesting is how many of the problems she has remain after you’ve gone. And how you can be blamed for these problems!
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/23 01:07 PM
1

There’s at least 60 minutes of Tom-Cruise-in-Risky-Business style music/dancing in that two hours to be fair!
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/23 09:51 AM
1

Mine absolutely destroyed me and was abusive. Still is. An absolute horror. Very, very occasionally I still miss her though. Even though I see what she was now, every now and then I miss her. Anyone who says otherwise is lying…😆
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/23 10:52 PM
1

If you’ve really done nothing more than this and the marriage is in a bad place, it could be she’s projecting her bad behaviour towards you. There’s a lot more going on her side. I’d look into who she might be cheating on you with. If you’re in a no-fault jurisdiction maybe don’t bother and just drop it. Get a good lawyer and get on the front foot. Just make sure the one who won’t speak to you knows you haven’t given up. Regardless of the mechanics, it sounds like you would be divorcing anyway. …
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/23 09:50 AM
1

Same
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/23 09:42 AM
2

Jim Jeffries the comedian does an excellent bit about this. He reasons(?) that when marriage was first conceived our life expectancy was about 40-45 years. Making marriage a 20-25 year deal. Which is fair enough. But life expectancy is now -say - 80-85 years and people get to 40 years old and think “fck that”.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/23 09:41 AM
5

If you’re going through divorce, everything is decided and you’re already living apart I’d say go for it. If you’re still in the “who gets what money and custody” stage I would suggest that you don’t do it. It’s not really about cheating per se, more about not making your ex go f*cking crazy and irrational in the divorce. Is it worth riling her up at a critical time just to get some? Proceed with caution and keep it in your pocket and if you can’t keep it on the down low. On reflection this is p…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/23 04:31 PM
2

Whatever the fuck you want to do. For the rest of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 06:12 PM
2

Interestingly (?) here in the UK there’s laws dating waaaay back that exclude a lady’s jewellery from any divorce settlement. Apparently when a Gentleman divorced a lady “back in the day” her Jewels were her insurance policy. So she just got to keep all that…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/23 06:26 PM
8

I joke with my friends I would gladly have given her two houses for the privilege of having peace and quiet!
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/23 06:23 PM
6

That comment about outside stuff being less important hits. I was never “allowed” to prioritise the outside of the house until I’d helped with all the indoor stuff. Guess how much help I got with the outside when I was done?
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/23 09:16 PM
18

It’s like the end of Shawshank where he has to crawl the whole way through a shit filled tunnel. But at the end of the tunnel is freedom. You won’t remember how bad the tunnel was in 2 years time.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/23 03:38 PM
1

I suspect that the counselling is either: (1) An attempt to assuage her guilt and make it look like “she really tried”.. (2) Some sort of delaying tactic to establish that she lives in the house and you don’t and it’s been that way for months (we were doing counselling doncha know??). This helps her massively in the financial and custody battle. I would get back into your house asap and give the councillor a try. All the while you should be lining up an absolute vicious female lawyer* to get eve…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/23 09:03 AM
2

How do you want to live the rest of your life? You know what the “do nothing” route looks like. “Do something” is not as painful as you’re building it up to be. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy. You will have 6 months of stressful gut wrenching terror. But whatever is on the other side is likely better than where you are now. You just need to start. Go speak to a few lawyers and find out what the path would be and how much it’s likely to cost you. Look at a few places that you might be able t…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/22 01:01 PM
2

I can’t imagine that their mom would want to keep the kids from the grandparents. Can you discuss directly with dil?
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/22 02:59 PM
1

I think if it’s arguable that it improves your kids lot in life, you’re probably going to help out. But the expectation should be at least a thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 09:17 AM
2

It’s a process. Stages of grief are very relevant. Also therapy if you can afford it. I found that self-improvement helped. Hitting the gym and exercise being key. Your self esteem is going to be at the lowest point in your life. Nicer arms and a flatter stomach are shallow things to want, but will make you feel a whole lot better about yourself. And will ultimately help you when you feel ready to get back out there. Avoid comparison to her “recovery”. Likely she checked out of the marriage/rela…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 04:10 PM
2

Dad starting over on Facebook saved my life (literally). Great resource...
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 09:41 AM
1

Take advice from your lawyer on leaving the house. Might not be the best move...depending on your state
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 05:05 PM
3

This likely is not recent/overnight change. It’s probable that this behaviour has been going on for a while now. You are better away from her and you will be just fine....although it might not feel like that for a few months. I’d advise reading a book called “Now What” by Dad Starting Over. Probably the best money I ever spent. It’s advice, real advice, for men in exactly your position...
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 05:03 PM
1

Same in most countries. Don’t let this become status quo! Kick, scream, bang child services door down. Make it known you do not accept this situation! Can you go see your caseworker in person for a meeting? What is your lawyer doing?
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/22 09:04 AM
2

I’m divorced at 47. Wish I could have done it when I was your age. I gave known something wasn’t right for years but “toughed it out”. Years I will never get back...
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 08:53 PM
1

I’d recommend you read “Now What” by Dad Starting Over. Covers this exact situation. Statistics tell us women are more likely than men to have affairs these days, do it’s more likely than not to happen to you. Tending that way with divorce too..
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 07:09 AM
1

I’m from the UK and we don’t really do camps in the same way (I’m imagining “Camp Grenada!). But yeah, if she’s booking things without discussion that’s bad coparenting. And obviously you’re going to be the bad guy for saying no. This should be something two reasonable adults could sort out between them. That said I got text-abuse about suggesting my son got his vaccine on Monday because she’s got them Wednesday to Friday and she doesn’t want the after effects! 🤣 Don’t try and understand. Just p…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/22 06:57 PM
1

Do your kids actually want to do the summer camps? If they’re really amped about going, 60/40 split the costs?
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/22 05:42 PM
2

You know how good a dad you are has very little to do with how much money you have...or spend on them. You can knock it out of the park on very little...and I’m sure you are doing, when you’re on duty. Personally, I struggle more when I’m off duty. Left to my own thoughts/devices...I was doing a lot of mountain biking and working out (which helped enormously) but then got a pretty nasty injury that won’t clear up. And when I just sit is where the problems start. So keeping busy is key. And it wi…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/22 12:21 PM
2

It sucks. I got a statement saying I could get keepsakes and photos I wanted out of the house. Which I did. Took absolutely no photos of me and the ex though
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/22 09:11 AM
3

You can reasonably ask for these in divorce proceedings, you know! If nothing else it’s a bargaining chip. And imagine what she’s going to look like to a judge if she won’t let you have photos of your own kids...
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/22 08:56 AM
3

You don’t want to upset the apple cart right now. If you’re only getting mildly screwed in the divorce, keep a fixed smile and get everything signed and rubber stamped in court. Double check it is all legal and above board. Then tell his wife...
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/22 09:29 AM
2

Do not, I repeat, do not have a child as a way to keep together...
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/22 01:11 AM
2

I don’t know - it’s just asking for help because you’re colour blind is a good conversation state it seems!
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/22 03:27 PM
2

Grey is really “now” though! So the moms in the decorating shops tell me! 😉
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/22 11:18 AM
2

🤣🤣🤣 Grey or blue shades, yes! This is my new house to a tee!!
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/22 09:21 AM
4

I had a subtle variation on this. If I was working on projects outside (deck, porch, garden etc.) I wasn’t supporting her with the household chores. And if I wasn’t supporting her with the household chores I was incapable of ever finishing anything. Now I have a cleaner and do whatever the fuck I like on weekend (when I don’t have my kids!!)
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/22 08:56 AM
1

This is where being colour blind is a big advantage! No pretension of interest required!😁
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/22 08:52 AM
2

Spot on as usual!! Don’t punch the dragon in the balls!! 😆😆😆
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/22 07:23 AM
1

There’s a legal argument that says “it doesn’t matter, do it” - which is valid. I would ask yourself if you care about the following 2 things: (1) Will this make your ex jealous/angry/ emotional in any way? It’s easier to negotiate a better settlement with someone who isn’t angry and emotional. (2) Do you care about the moral high ground? If you’re friends and family are going to hear “look he’s on Tinder already” and she’s going to change the narrative to make her the victim, is that something …
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/22 07:21 AM
1

Graceland by Paul Simon. That’s all by Genesis
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/22 11:19 AM
2

(2) Is absolutely the best advice you can get by the way! I argued like hell over some of the household contents. When in reality all I wanted was my souvenir nicknacks and some photos...got to keep my shares from my work bonuses as a result.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/22 08:59 AM
2

Seriously, it’s worth doing something. Anything. Painting class, swimming, Scottish dancing, anything at all. Just do something with them! As the last guy said. You need to show everything you do from them and exaggerate now, so you got evidence in court.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/22 11:10 PM
1

50/50 is likely to seriously impact child maintenance, to her. Which is why she doesn’t want you to get 50/50. Is there any provable and rational reason why you wouldn’t get 50/50 custody? At some point you gotta call her bluff and say “see you in court”...
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 10:10 PM
1

Good man. I really hope you don’t need it..
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 12:55 AM
2

OP - you 100% definitely need to have some sort of recording device ready...the allegations are likely to start flying...
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/22 01:52 PM
3

I can’t see any upside for you my friend. I’d have something, anything, in my calendar that day...
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/22 01:49 PM
3

We’ve even had it documented in court approved orders!!😆
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/22 09:21 PM
3

This is such very good advice. And 100% what you SHOULD do. What you WILL do is get upset,emotional and angry. This is perfectly natural. Do don’t beat yourself up if you lose it occasionally....missteps will happen.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/22 04:52 PM
1

There was never any argument or any raised voices? Ok. I’ll recant. Let me rephrase. “You have about as much chance of winning the lottery as having a zero conflict amicable divorce” 😆
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/22 04:47 PM
6

This is a great post. The breakdown of your marriage is maximum 50% your fault (unless you have had an affair). Maybe a few sessions with a therapist would help - your medical insurance might cover this?
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/22 10:24 AM
3

The chances of an amicable divorce are 0%. You can have a perfectly civil coparenting relationship once everything has been thrashed out. But there will be conflict and anger and emotions involved no matter how hard you try to keep these things out. And do you know what? That’s a good thing. The first time in years you stand up for yourself and tell her to “get f*cked” feels good man! Stop saying “yes darling “ to every single thing that comes out of her mouth!😆 The other side is worth it. Clear…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/22 10:21 AM
2

You probably don’t want to hear this, but there’s no way back. Likely she’s already at least emotionally involved with another man. Maybe left to be with him. Guilt manifested as anger - you make me feel guilty about my conduct, therefore you are to blame. Maybe acting up the last few months to justify leaving you in her head. She is going to expect you to chase her and beg her to come back. Do not do this. You should under no circumstances go and chase after her. See a few lawyers on free initi…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/22 09:46 AM
1

So you have a chance to talk to them about it. Depending on their age, you can likely say something about it being difficult and you and their mom not seeing eye to eye. In my experience (and I experienced much!)... the negative comments about the ex tend to backfire spectacularly. Kids have a good sense of what’s going on. If you show up for them and make them feel loved when you’re around them, they’ll know what’s up. What they’re seeing and feeling won’t align with what your ex is telling the…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/22 10:40 PM
1

Do you have any access/custody right now mate?
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/22 10:31 PM
2

Parental alienation is a crime in most civilised countries. There is a difference between “a bad atmosphere” and one parent deliberately trying to make their children resent the other (usually the mother by most accounts I read). Is parental alienation a thing where you live OP? Is it something you can ask your lawyer about?
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/22 07:46 PM
5

Personally I don’t think you have any right to tell your kids about the reason why mom and dad split up, until you can do so from a reasonably neutral perspective. And the level of detail is going to be dependent upon the age of the kids. Personally I don’t want anything to do with my ex beyond coparenting. And it’s difficult to keep civil or not make snide comments, but you simply have to try. You are both loved and important to your kids. If someone attacks your loved ones, you react badly. An…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/22 07:41 PM
0

I’m obviously conflating the two. They seem to be in the same ballpark to me...apologies if this is not the case.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/22 09:46 PM
10

I think there’s a massive difference between self improvement, boundaries and knowing your value as a bloke and “all women are inherently evil, stay away from their kind!!”.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/22 06:37 PM
2

I would start by being honest with yourself. Has she got anything bad enough on you (...and real actual proof) to impact custody? Or do your kids really side with her ;perhaps due to her coaching).If like you say, your kids are older, then their wishes will count a lot if it gets to court. But you should in most jurisdictions be starting from 50/50. I had all kinds of disaster scenarios in my head prior to pressing the button on divorce. But ended up with 50/50 and only a mild financial railing.…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/22 10:34 PM
1

How far away is it? 2 hours every time or could it be 4 hours away at rush hour?
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/22 10:03 PM
3

This was my thought. The 2yo will probably cope ok, as he’s young enough not to remember differently (would still need to see mom regularly though!!). The 8yo wants you to fight for him I bet. Not just let him go. But doesn’t want to hope for more than that in case he’s disappointed (again). This is my gut feeling. Put up a little bit of a fight for this kid OP! At least to make him feel good even if you don’t think that it’s going to come off!
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/22 10:02 PM
2

This is a really good point! You can stash the money somewhere she can’t get at and this stops her spending it. You must 100% declare all this/share information.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/22 10:29 PM
1

Although - if you are talking to her friends or mutual friends (also her friends in the final washup) - please do feel free to plead poverty and tell them how this whole thing is leaving you on the breadline, with barely enough to feed your children. And lay it on with a trowel. If she thinks you are capable of giving her more money, she will come for more money. This tactic confirms to her you are broke and beaten so she might stop! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/22 01:00 PM
4

Be careful about what you share and how you obtained it. Could backfire spectacularly....
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/21 04:29 PM
2

Already going! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/21 03:06 PM
2

I might go in there and start some shit! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/21 03:05 PM
3

Right. So something similar happened in my marriage. It wasn’t what caused the split, but I believe that it was a significant contributing factor. I’ll give you my perspective on what happened to me in the hope that it will help. So my ex also became a stay at home mom. We could just about afford it and we decided (together-ish) that it would be better for the kids to have her be around and doing mom stuff rather than having them in daycare. My ex is an intelligent and capable woman and had a re…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/21 01:31 PM
5

It’s death by 1000 cuts. Or the boiling frog. Whichever one it is it’s not good. You need to ask yourself what are you getting from your relationship? If the answer is “nothing but shit!!” you are probably within your rights to break up. Nobody’s going to blame you. She’s also maybe “projecting” with the whole phone thing too....
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/21 10:31 PM
3

Yeah - this is a really good point. There’s a big difference between being fair and screwing yourself over for the rest of your life because you feel guilty. She should get no more than you all being said. 50/50. Don’t overcompensate because you feel guilt...
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/21 10:16 PM
2

🤣 Cheered me up no end this one!! And I’m a dog person! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/21 09:25 PM
4

Even if you are representing yourself, you need to consult a lawyer to get some advice/strategy/how it will work procedurally
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/21 07:28 AM
1

This is so true. My problems REALLY started after I nearly died from a rare blood infection.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/21 10:47 AM
3

8-9 YEARS she’s been threatening this mate?? You’re not going to get that time back.....no kids involved so your divorce should be straightforward legally speaking. And at 38 you’re still young enough to have kids with someone else....
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/21 06:33 AM
2

If she’s continuing with her affair - particularly in the same house as you- I would politely tell her that you are not going to put up with that. If she wants to keep her affair going she should probably leave the house. It can’t hurt you if you ask. And may benefit you in the longer term when it comes to divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/21 08:59 AM
7

Sounds like you are breaking free of control. Read up on cluster B personality disorders, particularly BPD and Narcissistic. If you’re away from her and it feels like a fog is lifting, you need to understand some of the things that kept you in that fog in the first place. The stuff about “you ruined all my happy memories” is really setting off some alarm bells!
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/21 01:02 PM
3

Whilst it’s annoying that she’s going to carry my family name, it’s not in my top 50 things I am either pissed off about or need to do something about. I’m choosing to shrug my shoulders and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/21 09:33 AM
1

Don’t get married. I’m going to tell my son (14) the same thing. There’s nothing in it for men at all. That’s not to say you can’t have a fulfilling long term relationship with anyone, you can. Just don’t expect it to last forever. And prepare for it to go south somewhere between the age of 40 and 50 when she decides she wants more out of life than you’re offering. Not trying to be an asshole. Just seems to be the way it is. And no. You don’t get any points for doing exactly what you’re supposed…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/21 08:10 PM
1

Are you in the uk? Get an evaluation by a chartered surveyor rather than an estate agent if so. Far more realistic valuation - estate agents will pump up the price...
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/21 08:02 PM
2

I used to live in a very small rural village in North Yorkshire- everyone knows everyone’s business.So I have some frame of reference even if it’s not quite the same. Experience tells me that there will be a week or two of idle tittle tattle then it’s yesterday’s news. People will likely be “there” for her, regardless of what happened. She’s now a poor,defenceless single woman having a hard time finding her way on her own. que violins Do pastors get to do Bumble/Tinder?😉
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/21 06:00 PM
2

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. The only person who’s opinion will materially make a difference is a judge. If you must, keep it documented to use as an example for court, if your lawyer says it has value. Otherwise get on with your day. And thank your god(s) you are not with her anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/21 10:29 AM
5

Generally speaking (...and I’m sorry to use this language to a pastor!) people do not give a fuck. They have their own lives. Their own problems. Your situation might get a mention over coffee but other than “did you hear about OP?” and a raised eyebrow , not a single fuck will be given. It will pass quickly. The truth is that everyone is wrapped up in their own stuff and in the grand scheme of things nobody cares. You will go on doing what you’re doing. So will everyone else.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/21 10:24 AM
1

So you need to document, evidence and raise all this. As dispassionately as you can. And frame it as concern for the kids wellness. I guess if she’s showing signs of getting her condition under control, you could start giving her more responsibility gradually? Good luck with this buddy. Just keep to what you think is right for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/21 10:30 AM
1

Honestly, in your heart of hearts, what do you believe is best for your children?
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/21 10:51 PM
2

This happened to me. Wife came home drunk, attacked me, then when I threatened to call the cops she called them and said I’d hit her (which I hadn’t). As the police were cuffing me, my 12yo came out of his room and told them he’d heard everything and his mother was the aggressor. She ended up being taken away. Looking back I wish I’d pressed charges. Although as she was being taken away she was telling the police all sorts of made up shit. They ignored her. The police see this every day and aren…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/21 09:29 AM
1

Your lawyer can be smart here. If she accuses you and you have a recording disproving the fact, she then has to get it taken out of evidence because it’s not admissible. How’s that going to look in a court? “I want to quash the evidence that would prove what I’m saying?”. You can also play it to the cops outside courts as well. This shit happens every day and they’re not stupid. Could be the difference between you getting charged or not...
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/21 09:24 AM
2

So someone gave me this advice at the start of my divorce. And it’s still true! 😁 I could get my lawyer to write you a letter that says you have to buy me a Porsche. Are you going to buy me a Porsche? No. The only person that can tell you to do something is a judge. Unless a judge tells you that you have to do something, you don’t have to do it. Get a lawyer, interview 3 and pick one, then do exactly what they tell you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/21 05:23 PM
1

Deal. Although my call out rates to South America from Yorkshire may be prohibitive!🤣
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/21 10:28 AM
1

.....to be fair, you got me with the floors/drapes!! I’ve been living in my own house, 50% of the time with 13yo/11yo, for 9 months now. I thought I did a lot of housework before. I really had no idea. The cycle of wash, dry, iron, tidy the kitchen is endless. And while my married male friends think that I’m living some sort of rockstar lifestyle, the reality is that I will spend most of my free Saturday on my hands and knees cleaning. Mainly the oldest boy’s bathroom. Then hitting the garden Su…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/21 09:27 AM
1

So much this. No man should have to run a campaign to sell his value to his partner. They either want to be with you or they don’t.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/21 06:23 PM
1

I wish I had just bailed when I first found out about her affair. I think I felt a sense of honour/duty to stay and try and rebuild my family. Worst 2 years of my life and experienced some horrific things. If it’s over, gave the courage to pull the plug.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/21 06:21 PM
2

Don’t compare your chapter #1 to someone else’s chapter #20. Likely she’d already moved in mentality well before you even knew your marriage was in trouble. You’re going to be fine and you’re going to get where you need to be. It doesn’t just happen though - you’ll need to work on it!
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/21 06:13 PM
2

You obviously have an axe to grind here. You’re either picking on someone specifically or making an untrue and broadly negative stereotype. What if I suggested you weren’t capable of putting up a shelf or changing a tyre? I’m a misogynist, right?
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/21 06:08 PM
1

I think you are making a generalisation. A sexist one. And I suspect you know Theo’s! 😆
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/21 11:19 AM
7

So he does dishes, laundry, vacuuming cleans up the bathrooms. No kids. How much more housework is there???
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/21 11:05 AM
2

It’s death by 1000 cuts my friend. I hit the point where I’d worked for a year to get back in shape (in the hopes of her taking an interest in me again) and she never once said that I looked good/better/whatever. Just increasingly put me down and made me feel everything I did was wrong. Looking back, from my new single dad house, it went this way for years. But slowly and gradually getting worse. The proverbial frog in boiling water. I would recommend therapy to help you organise your thoughts. …
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/21 11:01 AM
8

“I earn 100% if the income and do all the housework” - what exactly are you getting from this relationship? No kids? What are you staying for??
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/21 10:52 AM
1

Document this. Try and get evidence....will stand you in good stead.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/21 02:41 PM
1

Also. Don’t let her take your daughter...stand your ground (and keep calm). She’s going to end up looking like the crazy person..,
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 09:52 AM
1

She can’t do this buddy. Unless a court says so, you are entitled to see your daughter. The toll it will take on your little one alone is just crazy, being dragged away from her dad. Can you get your lawyer to send her a letter and set out your expectations of equal care?
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 09:51 AM
4

Ok - so when are you going to see your daughter again? The smart move might be to offer to take your kid out to the movies or dinner at a local place tonight. Even if it’s just a walk in the local park m. Don’t let your ex start keeping your daughter from you. “Id like to take the little one out for a milkshake tonight m, what time can I come get her?” Not an unreasonable request.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/21 10:54 AM
4

This is an important realisation mate. And takes some proper self reflection to work out. It will help you in the future though. Nobody’s perfect and you’re going to be able to know what you do and don’t want to put up with in your future.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/21 09:58 AM
3

I heard a comedian (possibly Jim Jeffries) talking about this very topic. His point was this: Divorce and separation are extremely bad/ruinous for men, both mentally and financially. Let’s say 50% of marriages end with divorce. Now let’s say you’re in a plane with your buddies and you’re all going skydiving. Then the instructor points at the parachutes and says “only 50% of these are going to open”. Do you still want to jump out of that plane?
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/21 09:52 AM
9

Right. So the perception is that the kids will always go with the mother. This is SIMPLY NOT TRUE anymore. Unless you are an absolute shambles and have drugs or domestic violence issues you should be entitled to 50:50 custody in most countries these days. If your wife is calling the police and claiming she does not feel safe, despite you being a stand up guy, she’s doing so on the advice of a lawyer. To get you out of the house and establish a pattern of her being in that house with the kids. Wh…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/21 09:29 AM
2

Is there a male domestic abuse hotline or website that you can access? They are probably the best people to speak to and will have heard this situation before...I found this on Google: https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/help-for-battered-men There’s some numbers towards the bottom. Would also add there’s no shame in this. It happens a lot more frequently than people think. I’m a 6’3” former rugby player and work out still. Doesn’t mean that I wasn’t terrified of my Ex...
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/21 11:59 AM
1

Mate, I only have a base understanding of US law but don’t move out. Move back in as soon as possible. Or you are probably going to lose your house and chances of 50/50 care. If you set a pattern where you don’t live in the house and don’t see your kids every day, that status quo will get upheld by a judge. Get a lawyer ASAP. Do everything they tell you. This isn’t going to end in her changing her mind and reconciliation, I’m sorry to say. From my own experience and reading about hundreds of oth…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/21 11:45 AM
1

So despite being in the uk, I read this book: The 10 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce: And How to Avoid Them https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0307589803/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_36BV1VS0YJ9BCWQ29PRA I found it really useful. Basically , in court, you get to state your case first if you file first
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 11:50 AM
2

My advice would be to get in to see a lawyer and file first. Don’t be passive here. File, state what you want for settlement and get out of dodge. Also check up on that probable affair. Could come in handy.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 07:54 AM
2

Sounds like she’s wanting to get out as cheaply as possible. Don’t let her. As everyone else has said lawyer up immediately.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/21 12:25 PM
1

There’s a men’s group “dad starting over” that recommends this as therapy! Hoping you enjoy it!
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/21 10:13 PM
5

Watch the movie Swingers. It’s the perfect film for a guy in our position. Made me feel better.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/21 04:08 PM
2

I’ll give you a mans point of view. I think you already have it nailed. Most likely guit about breaking up the family. I also struggle with this, even though I had no practical choice other than to move out. It’s also possible that he actually does want a better relationship with you, now that things have settled post split. It’s probably best for both of you and your kid if you can be pleasant and polite to each other. Men tend to be straightforward....
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/21 12:10 PM
3

Went out with a buddy for drinks last night and have literally done feck all so far today. Sat doing precisely nothing for the first time I can remember. And it’s glorious!!😆
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/21 12:00 PM
12

File first then, for adultery...
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/21 08:06 PM
4

STBX blocked me on all social media while we were still together and supposedly trying to sort things out. Really just to make me ask her to add me back I think....more about the power/control thing than anything else. I never once asked about it. Fast forward 6 months into our separation. I get a FB friend request from her. It’s still pending 5 weeks later.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/21 06:19 PM
3

Also be prepared for the fake counter allegations. They are bound to come out sooner rather than later. Recording all your subsequent interactions is a good idea, but read up on your local laws around this and make sure you are not breaking the law. For example, in the uk you can record in “communal areas where there should be no expectations of privacy” - so living room, kitchen etc. All the better if you can record her threatening to make false allegations. The fact that the police now have a …
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/21 06:17 PM
7

This happens. I’m 47M - wife became disinterested in sex, but seemed like we were otherwise happy (even if she was a little distant). Turns out she was having an affair. And it wasn’t the first time. I’d suggest reading the “Dead Bedroom Fix” by Dad starting over. And/Or “Now What” by the same author. Might give you some perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/21 12:26 PM
2

Fault has no bearing on financial settlement or custody of children in the UK. Just so you know. It’s based on financial need and what’s best for the children. You don’t need to stay in a relationship that makes you sad...
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/21 11:23 AM
1

So you might have to take a hit here. In fact there is no way to get through a divorce without taking a financial hit as a man. You need to actually accept that now. Another thing to think about is whether or not you are being the best dad you can for your kids if you are unhappy and depressed all the time and with the anxiety of “she is capable of doing anything at any moment to fuck me over here”. I would seek legal advice and suggest mediation with an appropriate mediation service. There are …
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/21 11:19 AM
1

Two reasons: (1) It’s just what you’re “supposed to do”. (2) STBX wanted to have a big party and be the special princess for the day (and months leading up to the “big day”).
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/21 12:34 PM
2

Take a day or two to enjoy the calm. You’re out now. Don’t rush anything just be you for a bit!
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/21 08:46 AM
3

I would recommend the book “Now What” by Dad Starting Over. Really opened my eyes. You are being abused mentally. If you want her back (and I can’t see why you would want to stick with someone who treats you like that- although I did for far too long!) then you need to be completely comfortable with leaving her and she needs to know this. Unfortunately it’s not something you can fake.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/21 07:01 AM
1

You are welcome!
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/21 06:31 AM
1

This is the truth really. Your Ex will want to squeeze every penny out of you. Mine certainly does!!
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 11:28 PM
2

We both work full time in “normal jobs”. The week on/off with a day in the middle seems to work for us. At the moment we switch on Saturday. I’d prefer to switch Friday so that I don’t have to go to her house or her come to mine. I could just pick up the kids from school. 4/4 also worked, but did need a spreadsheet to plan out to 3 months in advance. Also the downside was that if the schedule gets off kilter for any reason it’s screwed. I think I ended up 8 weekends in a row because we had to re…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 10:18 PM
2

We do week on/week off. But on Wednesday night the kids go to the other parent. This is really for the benefit of my youngest (10) who would find it too long to be away from one parent for that long. We started on 4-on/4-off. That works fine, but one parent has a lot of weekends in a row with that pattern before it gets through the cycle. This might be a good option for you in your situation though?
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 09:35 PM
1

Spin Doctors - Little Miss Can’t be Wrong
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 09:26 PM
3

That moment you get the keys for your own place is magical....good luck mate!!
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 09:08 PM
1

If it feels wrong it probably is wrong. Don’t stick with someone you love out of a misplaced sense of duty or honour. You are very unlikely to get the same in return.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 08:56 PM
1

Better to buy stuff for a new home and squirrel that away somewhere like a friends garage (pans, tv, flat pack furniture). That stuff adds up and you will need it if you move out to a new house.I also heard about online betting accounts as a way to get £10 here, £20 there without it looking suspicious. In all honesty it WILL look bad if you hide cash and get caught. Will need a fighting fund though, if you are going to push the divorce button. It’s not cheap. ... and whatever it if your gut is t…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 07:24 PM
2

Sounds eerily familiar. Based on my experience, I’d advise people to give it one more shot. But time bar it. Things don’t always get better....
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/21 07:34 AM
1

You need to take a break sometime though. Let yourself be someone other than “Dad” when you get chance...
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/21 07:32 AM
1

Apparently it looks more sympathetic to a judge than two men ganging up on a woman. Especially if the judge is a woman too. Trial psychology and all that. All anecdotal reports, but makes sense to me.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/21 05:13 AM
1

Mine are a little older. 13yo son has been fine with having 2 houses. 10yo daughter has been struggling with my new place. Always “bored” and won’t settle down at night. It’s tough but it’s better than raising them in a psychological warzone. Stick with it man and stand up for your kid. Kids need their dad in their lives!!
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/21 09:28 AM
1

The 50/50 thing is more than likely about financial settlement. The more custody she gets the more money she gets. There’s lot’s of material out there saying 50/50 is good for the kids...hang in there buddy!!
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 12:51 PM
2

He’s got a lot to process. You either need to help him through it or take a break and come back to him when he’s ready. Could he do with some therapy to help him deal with it do you think?
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/21 10:10 AM
1

You can’t, basically. The question you should be asking is “Can I avoid losing 70-80% of my money?” Go for 50:50 custody. Play it straight with the courts. Get a lawyer you feel you can work with and who gets you (preferably a woman if you think you’re going to court). Interview at least 3. Paying down joint debts out of your accounts might be a good idea, but talk to your new lawyer about it first. One bit of advice I wish I had taken is not to think about your soon to be ex and how she might r…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/21 09:48 AM
2

I’m getting that. Mutual friends seem to now be with her. Setting her up on dates etc. Whilst out of the couples we used to hang with, only one of my friends seems to be with me. No loss. The friendships stem from her side anyway- this guy and his wife are the only ones I’m fussed about seeing again anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 09:50 PM
1

Rather than go to a solo marriage counsellor, maybe take the time and just go see a regular therapist on your own. It’s enormously beneficial and might help you see things from a different perspective. Start thinking about what you might need from a relationship. Rather than what you are getting from it now. And work on you. You can’t fix the other person, if indeed they need fixing at all. But you can work on you.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 06:11 PM
4

Tried counselling too but stbx wasn’t ever committed to it. Was still seeing the affair partner as it turned out! Had never thought for one moment that it might be because she was afraid of lying to a trained psychotherapist. That would explain much. Thanks for this perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 06:06 PM
1

You got this man!! Good luck. I’d recommend joining a men’s group like dad starting over...
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 07:41 AM
6

As others have said it smacks of projecting... All you can really do is lawyer up. Hoping for the best and prepared for the worst. Cannot comment on how the law applies in the US (...and I gather it varies between states greatly). But you have rights as a father and unless you’re a deadbeat or abusive, you should get a fair share of custody. Be careful here though. If she’s the one who - all things being equal- would not get what she wants financially or in terms of custody you may find the fals…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/21 05:26 PM
1

This also!
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/20 10:44 AM
4

There’s a great support group on Facebook- Dads starting over. I’ve found it immensely helpful. Also a book by Dr. Robert A Glover called “no more mr nice guy”. Basically you got fecked over mate. The truth is that (whilst people care a bit) nobody really cares about the injustice of what’s happened. I learned rage and self pity aren’t going to get me anywhere. Tough one to get the hang of! I’d also really recommend seeing a therapist if you aren’t already. Will help you focus on you, not what’s…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/20 10:41 AM
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