TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

Flashy-Excitement247 Archive

View 18 posts and 532 comments by Flashy-Excitement247 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
Search in:
In subreddits:
More
Filter by year/month:
Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
118

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 12:04 AM
37

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 10:19 PM
25

RantFlashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 02:51 PM
20

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 04:47 PM
17

RantFlashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 06:26 PM
15

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 11:43 PM
15

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 06:27 AM
14

RantFlashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 04:30 PM
13

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 08:27 PM
13

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 11:33 PM
12

Need SupportFlashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 03:01 AM
10

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 05:48 AM
10

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 12:57 AM
10

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 07:52 AM
6

RantFlashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 10:56 PM
4

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 12:32 AM
4

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 02:15 PM
3

Flashy-Excitement247/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 03:05 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
6

Why on God's earth would you even consider this??
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 04:09 AM
6

For the record, I did exactly this. Don't help your enemy.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 06:03 AM
2

You are not a failure. That is your brain trying to shame you and make you into a helpless victim. 50% of the population is divorced. Wear it like a badge of honor. You got through it alive! You've got so much living to do now! Go discover the world of abundance waiting for you.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 09:23 PM
0

I only have 2 kids, not 3. The rest is verbatim. Toxic marriage. Save yourself while you still can. Listen to the folks here, we're all going through it. My stbxw is high functioning borderline, with narc tendencies; shes a lawyer and everyone loves her... If only they knew. You'll be shocked what you read on that disorder.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 06:16 PM
1

A lot of people actually have a personality disorder. You may want to read about Borderline or Narcissistic personality disorders. You can have the traits without having the full clinical diagnosis. My stbxw for sure is Borderline. For sure.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 04:34 AM
4

Gonna give the same recommendation I was given here: read "no more Mr nice guy". Do it now, it will change your life. I promise. You sound like me. I taught her and allowed her to disrespect me for years. You will probably initially reject the fact that you have been inadvertently enabling her behavior all these years, but after you realize the behaviors, you will see what and how to change for the next one. After 20 years, this is the price I pay. But no more. She doesn't live rent free in my h…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 02:48 AM
7

This! Or just switch to email, and block everything else. That's what I did. Absolute control over when and how I respond, regardless of the pages of pure bullshit she wastes her time typing.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 02:40 AM
9

Normal is relative, but Im right there with you! I was 20 years sunk, now I'm starting over. Smart phones didn't exist yet... 6 months ago when it all came crashing down, i swore I'd never look at another woman! I was going to be a hermit! In Nepal! But I'm slowly re entering the dating scene (very slowly, fucking sloths get more action than I do!), starting to make new friends, and realizing that my kids are the best blessing in the world. I love the freedom to discover myself, make my own deci…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 03:09 AM
5

You can handle it, brother. As many wise people here taught me: she is not the same person you married. But you know what, neither are you - and for the better! Grieve the emotion for a few minutes, take yourself out for something active and tomorrow step forward again on your path to your new future.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 10:14 PM
8

Agree. This is a blessing to get you to move into indifference. Ask yourself why you even care? She clearly doesn't care about your feelings. Why are you wasting your time? Hit the gym, get into shape, and go find someone right for you. Do it for you though, not to make her envious. The sooner you stop letting her.live rent free in your head, the happier you will be.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 09:49 PM
4

The first thing I did was to use the money in the joint account to pay off all credit card debt. Then I opened my own account, and deposited all paychecks in there, effectively cutting her off. I divided all remaining assets in the joint account, gave her her half of the cash and no longer use the joint account for anything. All approved by my attorney. My stbxw was electively stealing from me, that's how I see it anyway ( I know, I know, community property blah blah blah...but she was keeping a…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 05:06 PM
4

Holy shit! The level of unashamed control and manipulation!!! Sounds like you are on the right track, albeit shitty.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 05:02 PM
5

Yeah, mine would keep all her earnings in her own account, and then use the joint account to pay off her cc each month to the time of about $5k. I paid for everything. Her loans, mortgage, food, travels, utilities, cars, all of it. If I even mentioned having a financial discussion or budgeting, I might as well have shot myself in the head.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 04:43 PM
6

Amen, brother! Where do I sign up? I'm making the exact same commitment. In fact, just this morning I've been writing a new contract with myself to secure how I will choose to live moving forward. My integral mistake was to vanquish my entire identity in favor of worshipping hers. Never ever again. No More Mr Nice Guy was like reading an autobiography... I made every single mistake. And I really can't blame (not should I) anyone but me.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 04:26 PM
9

I'll offer my unadulterated heart: I don't want to be saved. But after 20 years of hearing that I'm totally useless and worthless piece of shit, my folly will be to fall heavily for a woman who is just... Kind to me. Who could say just one word that makes me feel loved. I need to be very careful. I'm aware of my vulnerability. But I am learning to set and keep boundaries, and to focus on my own needs for once in my life. And to just be honest with everyone I meet, even if it means we don't click…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 03:44 PM
5

Required reading, folks. Follow the instructions carefully.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 03:38 PM
3

Thank you. Here's a funny story. I met a lovely woman this past week while traveling for work. She lives 5000 miles away, that's how safe I'm playing it. I'll never make the same mistakes again. But you are right about PTSD. 100%
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 03:02 PM
3

I knew about the high divorce rate, but not the remarry rate. That's frightening. Do you happen to know the stats based on education? I heard somewhere that divorce is less when you are more highly educated. But that could be myth
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 02:56 PM
2

Now that I'm properly fucked up from living with this person all these years, I can see that I have quite a bit of trust issues. When talking to women (in person), I'm always on high alert for the same personality flaws and characteristics. Any hint of "control", "strong personality" or perfectionist tendencies, extreme high achievement, and insecurity... I will literally just end the conversation and politely walk away. Physical beauty doesn't matter. I married the most beautiful woman, but her…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 02:51 PM
12

I think it's great that you had the courage? to come here and write an anathema for us. It is important for many of us, or perhaps just me, to hear women express frustration at the same bullshit we all experience all the time. Lots of words to say thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 02:42 PM
8

Red flags were easily rationalized as personality quirks or cultural issues (international in my case) that I would just "figure out" over time. Things like anger early on, naivety, and stubbornness were seen but ignored by me. I saw the potential, the beauty, the hope. And I rejected my rational logical side. The first time we broke up in our first year of dating should have been the last. I'm essentially breaking up now for the exact same reasons 20 years later. Only now it's not called breaki…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 02:35 PM
2

Well now I live in an heavy snooty equestrian area in SoCal, and they can all get fucked with their endless ego and clearly untreated narc shit. The men are not much better. Too much money, entitlement, privilege, and corruption.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 02:26 PM
5

Great. Now I know. I'll put that to good use as I work through this. My stbxw has her cadre of support. Funny how they do that
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 02:23 PM
3

My very first girlfriend was an equest. She was certifiable. But I was 15. What did I know?. I grew up in rural Oregon, so horses were common, people who love them too, I guess.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 02:21 PM
4

I told both of my daughters too. Never get married. Live your life. You don't need a stupid piece of a paper for the heart to know itself.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 02:19 PM
5

I also don't understand what this is. Perhaps the opposite of Prima Nocta? (Sorry for the Braveheart reference)
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 02:17 PM
5

All are welcome here. I noticed too that equestrian women are a bit different...
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 02:00 PM
2

I'm uneducated, what's MGTOW?
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 09:19 PM
5

Let me just say, among the other voices here: only you can decide what is right for you. But prepare yourself. Read and practice setting boundaries. And be consistent. I won't advocate a pessimistic approach, but something to consider: at some point you could end up, ordered by the state, paying her more than 50% of your income for the Rest. Of. Your. Life. Be very very careful who you decide to enter into a legally binding contract with the most severe of financial consequences. I would probabl…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 07:43 PM
8

I checked all of those. Going through divorce now. Leaning, or relearning, how to be an actual man - integrity, principle , conviction, courage, and most of all: boundaries. I was scalped and neutered, the butt of every joke in my family; I saw my tween girls losing respect for me and becoming just like her. Over the years, she became a rabid feminist: men are assholes, useless and rapists, they all need to be subdued. Perhaps some bad apples (men) ruin it for the majority of us, and neither do …
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 07:29 PM
3

This is a great perspective, honestly. I noticed there is so much pressure to pair up, and resisting that pressure is difficult. You make great observations about being "interviewed" and performing in their circus. I like the notion I'm reading about in no mr. Nice guy about having boundaries, learning to say no, and perhaps not focusing your life on chasing tail. Harder done than said, but if I can learn to respect myself after all of this, then I hope the right kind of people will respect me t…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 10:55 AM
6

Been 5 months separated after 20 years of marriage, and officially started the divorce process a couple weeks ago. I struggle with this a lot, I'm not really interested in hookups and randos, I'm 45 and don't find it very appealing. I wouldn't mind finding someone peaceful, who had similar life goals, you know, without the chaotic, vile temper. That would be nice. My goal is to never get married again. No more children (snip). And to just enjoy what life on this planet has to offer. Every time I…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 09:32 AM
3

This is more along the lines of what I intended to say. I wanted to convey that if someone doesn't like something about you, that is more their issue rather than yours. This is a topic I struggle with a lot, trying to please everyone... And hence no one, and especially not myself.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 10:51 PM
5

Sure, you can write a letter, as therapy for you, but I would not give it to her. You have outlined a person, not unlike my own stbxw, who simply will never accept accountability for their part. What makes you think a well written, well reasoned letter will change that? Are you expecting a light bulb moment and somehow a 180 change in her behavior towards you? You are seeking to change the wrong person. You need to change you, to become someone who is not her punching bag. The description you wr…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 07:27 PM
3

I love this concept. Instead of running from my faults, just embrace them, be open about them, and they become someone else's problem...
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 05:03 AM
2

Fly like an eagle, my friend.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 04:54 AM
1

You, my friend, are brilliant. This is the way, and I'm going to try and follow this path. I can live a very frugal life. I don't need shit, and I'm good with smart investing in funds with good yields. I can pay her from the passive income and not stress about the paychecks. That's a strategy worth considering... I work in tech, so there's always that bullshit of layoffs.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 01:31 AM
1

that is insane. spousal support shouldn't mean dropping you into poverty. that is completely fucked up.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 12:40 AM
4

My stbxw was served yesterday. I filed. I found out she has had an attorney in the waiting for at least 5 months. Am I surprised. No. But given how torn up I was about the decision to file, knowing that she had been basically planning for this moment for months was a wake up call, and a realization that I had been worrying myself for nothing... She had wasted no emotional effort on me. Take this as a lesson everyone. They plot your demise while acting the victim to keep you ignorant and on your …
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:15 PM
6

This is the way. Stick her with a now failing business, and it's debts, use it as leverage to avoid life long alimony. Start over with no financial ties to her. You should be able to do it faster, having succeeded the first time. By failing, I mean after she takes possession...
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:12 PM
2

4D chess right here. Way to go!
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:08 PM
8

I'm curious, I'm in CA, and we have a lot of equity in the house. I'd much rather give her the equity ($1M+) than be enslaved to paying her probably around $6k a month forever. I'm not sure if this is logical, I'm having trouble with logic given the insane amount of stress this whole process is causing me. I know my attorney will help, but as she was just served yesterday, we're at the very beginning. Joy.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:02 PM
6

There are other ways to.negotiage out of paying alimony. It's a matter of what you are willing to part with. I'm not willing to part with my sanity, but money, fuck it, you're not taking it with you. RIP Buddy.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 09:11 PM
11

Best advice I received from this forum (and my attorney): do not entangle yourself in a financial (read: legal) business deal with your ex wife. Unless you like paying lawyers to unfuck you for the next decade or two. Clean break all the way. Thank us later.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 02:53 PM
2

Thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 06:59 PM
2

She is desperate to be loved by the children, partly explains why she is so harsh with the older one: I put you down and make you feel bad about yourself so you don't leave me. She did the same thing to me. it's.more than insecurity, it's a hallmark of people with Borderline Personality Disorder.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 06:20 PM
4

yes, we've had a few physical encounters. pushing and shoving, on both sides, to be fair. she actually stabbed me once, I think it was a fork - I was so shocked, I don't even remember that well. but still. Most of her aggression is violent anger - screaming, raging, hysterical crying, feigning heart attack symptoms (actually driving to the hospital), and then manipulation - a shit ton of manipulation. She has accused me of spousal rape, molesting my children, cheating (lots and lots and lots of …
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 04:39 AM
3

Holy shit my man. Yes, she checks all the boxes of BPD. Say no more. You need a protective order ASAP! Do you have kids? Did you tell your attorney about this behavior? This doesn't look good for you. My stbxw is being served today (electronically - email), and I've made myself very scarce. I'm completely terrified of her reaction, and I never even bothered to have "the conversation" - that's how bad it was. I just went and did it (hired attorney and filed). Fuck it all. But she is capable of he…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 03:56 AM
2

Love it. Thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 03:14 AM
3

Yeah, we're there (email), I initiated that right away on advice from this group. She is (and her family) are completely blocked on all channels. (Don't forget LinkedIn folks...). The cool part is, we still live and work in the same house!! /s No contact is fun. She is very bad at respecting boundaries... So I'm doing the camera, recording thing to help her to learn. I hear the divorce process in CA takes a while....
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 02:12 AM
1

You are in a good place then. But probably stop giving her money until the settlement is reached.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 02:08 AM
1

Agree with everything said here. Do you have a lawyer? Even if you do mediation, you should retain an attorney. Mediators may be limited in what they can instruct regarding financial matters, but your lawyer can and should advise you. Mediator will just be neutral to make the deal happen, whether in your best interest or not. What is your jurisdiction? The law is different everywhere.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 02:01 AM
2

Thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 01:55 AM
3

This was a lovely read. Thank you. Yes, I'm preparing for all hell to break loose now! And I did think it was bad before. Lol! You are buddies around town... 😜
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 01:54 AM
2

I appreciate it. I need to learn how to use that direct message thing. We are the same, did the whole wedding, religious ceremonies, everything to the 9s, bought house in the suburbs, kids, all of it. No cheating, no drugs, just fucking personality disorders!! I got so so so so tired of the never ending fights, of constantly being the evil villain, the scapegoat for all problems, the proverbial punching bag for all the vitriol. The dream faded into a nightmare that I just sort of resigned myself…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 01:35 AM
7

Yes. Exactly. I just want peace. There was so much abuse, verbal, emotional, it was so excruciatingly toxic, yet even to this moment all her shit still eats at me. It's why i wrote what I did. .the guilt I feel, it's not real, I "know" it, but it feels so real and hurts like real. But all you fine gentlemen are the best support I've ever had!
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 01:20 AM
2

Yeah. Lots of abuse. Logically correct...emotionally hard. All abuse is horrific and wrong, but if I had to pick, I'd take physical abuse any day to this gaping, festering emotional wound(s).
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 01:16 AM
1

Lol. Cry. This sounds like me..
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 12:46 AM
4

Yeah me too. I should have stayed with The girl I loved in 7th grade. Would have been a peaceful life. Oh well, maybe next time around, if we get one.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 12:34 AM
3

Thank you all!
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 12:21 AM
4

This made me laugh!! Thank you
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 12:20 AM
2

No need to apologize, brother. We're all in this shit together! I don't mind if folks are on edge, hell, I'm on edge all the time - that's what my stbxw has done to me! (Allow me to rephrase: what I have allowed to be done to me). So I don't hold it against anyone to misinterpret comments here and there, call people out, use crass language. This forum has saved my life, and I hope to return the favor by helping anyone stay clear of the same emotional traps I got sucked into for 20 years! I consi…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 10:57 PM
2

No worries. I was perhaps being too clever with my hidden "no". Oh well, and that's why I'm not a comedian. There's the door. I'm headed out.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 10:21 PM
0

I think perhaps you missed the sarcasm. If you read carefully, you will see I am agreeing with your sentiments.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 09:46 PM
0

Is there NO other way? Surely NObody would do this? NOt able to even think of aNOther possibility...
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 09:03 PM
3

I highly recommend it too. It's where I learned just how serious my situation is.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 08:59 PM
8

This is a great question. I collected 2 degrees in psych studying this shit, and I still didn't see it. But it's also because the way we learn about it, you are taught that this debilitating disease is rare and unlikely to to affect you or anyone you know. (Thanks for nothing abnormal psych prof.). That's absolutely not true, and looking back now, I can clearly see all the red flags that I conveniently mis labeled as character quicks, that were actually deeper traits of disorder, and I failed to…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 06:12 PM
4

I tend to agree with this. My actual first reaction was, she did this on purpose. Although, as sharp, cunning, and savvy as she is, knowing her for the past 20 years, misplacing keys was frequently the start of many blame/paranoid arguments. Because, clearly, I harbor some sick fetish of taking and hiding keys in my abundance of spare time and abject boredom at life.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 06:06 PM
2

I was! Lol! And for not responding. That was tough.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 05:01 PM
5

Yeah, I hear you. I'm getting off after 20 years of this shit. I wish someone had told me that marriage isn't supposed to be like this. My stbxw has a problem with anger, that infected our relationship right from the beginning. But I thought, oh Im strong enough to absorb this. Nope. I wasn't. And it slowly eroded my entire being until at this moment, as I write this, I have no idea who I am any more. I could never have my own identity without getting her permission. I had to be like her, suppor…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 06:19 PM
6

All books I have read on BPD recommend NOT confronting them with your revelation, as it will be met with abject denial and a strengthening of the defense mechanisms (i.e. attacks against you). My stbxw also is BPD, I'm 100% certain. I made the mistake of calling her out (before I was educated)... It did not go so well.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 05:42 PM
5

This. Do.it right now before she has time to counter and prepare a defense. Go to the police immediately. She has the capacity to stage a fake attack, and you will be arrested! You don't want that. And if you were a good husband like me, you never collected evidence of her abuse .... So, don't delay .
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 04:16 PM
9

And while you are in the lobby of your lawyer's office (today), head over to the borderline personality disorder sub and meet your friends. You will find out that what you have been living through has a name, cannot ever be fixed, and you need to protect yourself and your daughter now and make an escape plan.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 02:55 PM
1

Your wife has a personality disorder, like mine. File a protective order. She attacked you. Take your daughter and get a lawyer. Trust me, this will only get worse. You can look at my current life where I have been accused of horrendous crimes against my own children and my stbxw. All fabrications and fantasy. Your are in danger. Your daughter is in danger. Get a lawyer now and file protective orders. Like stop reading this immediately and go do it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 02:51 PM
1

This is horrible, as I read the entire thing crying in my Honda Odyssey (that i never wanted. Also silver). When I'm done, I think I'm also getting a Subaru, or some kind of truck maybe for camping and off road getting lost out there as fucking far from her as I can get.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 05:56 AM
4

Generally speaking, human traffickers and misogynists are not really into the kind of emotional maturity you seek. Find a different role model, one that's not a psychopath.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 04:52 AM
2

They are fluent in French; I'm sending them to Montreal!! ( And me too)
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 04:12 AM
2

Yesterday my kid told me she really wants to go to college in NY. I said, cool, I love NY! (She was not too amused by the insinuation), but nonetheless I asked why not here (socal), she just smiled and said: there's a lot to see out there. But I knew exactly what she was saying.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 03:38 AM
2

Thank you. My rant was secretly seeking a smidge of validation. But mostly just frustrated that my kids are caught up in this bullshit. Good recommendation on recording what the kids say too. Hadn't thought of that! This was indeed helpful!
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 03:36 AM
1

I get that one too, but it's any other "real" man from her culture. Notable episode: she was convinced the car was "sounding" bad, and she really knows cars because of growing up in x country during war. We would literally have car fights about this while driving down the freeway. "You must take it now! (9:45pm on a Saturday) I told her, the [engine, transmission, breaks, Windows, radio, click sound the seat belt makes, etc...] sounds normal, plus usually in 2022 models these cool little lights …
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 03:30 AM
1

A sage is among us.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 11:19 PM
5

This. Same exact situation. I have the beginnings of peace. We both WFH, but are completely separate and no contact otherwise, and just.splitting the kids. However, I have some anxiety still in that she will randomly barge into my office for some random "emergency" about the kids, but that is about it, and I mostly just pretend like I heard a strange noise, but I'm not sure what it was. She has not figured out yet that this is not ok. But I keep ignoring her and hope that she figures it out. But…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 08:38 PM
2

After separation, I deposited all my paychecks into my own account, from which I continued paying all the bills to sustain the house, cars, utilities, etc. Even though she works, for some weird reason she never paid any of the bills or contributed to the joint account... But she took from it. Weird. Anyway. So now, she has her 50% left in the joint account, and that was done so she no longer pays off her entire credit card balance each month from my money ~$5k... Yes $5k... On what? Fuck if I kn…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 03:43 AM
1

That just happens to be a really poor choice to name those credits.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 03:35 AM
16

Trying to have a "reasonable" disagreement with my stbxw is a lot like sticking my hand in the blender to stop the blade thingy from turning. Eventually you learn that you just need to unplug the damn thing (that is a reference to divorce, and not the other thing)
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 03:27 AM
3

I'm sad for your loss, and what an amazingly inspiring story! Thank you for sharing.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 12:46 AM
5

She doesn't even need it. She has a law degree and the means to make bank. But she "likes" the freedom of her "consulting" (DEI) "business". I honestly don't know what was wrong with me... I enabled all this bad behavior on her part, and now the state will reward me by siding with her. What I'm angry about: I worked my ass off, she skated laughing all the way to the bank, and now I'm the bad guy. She plays the victim when it suits her, and aggressor when she's threatened with financial loss. On …
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 12:29 AM
3

I hired a divorce attorney specializing in tax and finance. I'm looking at $1m +. Thank you, California. Assholes.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 10:46 PM
8

I aspire to your level of wisdom. I'm currently at the phase of loving plants, and sometimes, they love me.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 10:38 PM
3

When we first split, she setup a camera in the living room because, as she said, she was "scared". At first I was like, no way are you recording me! With lots of colorful language. Gradually, I became somewhat smarter, and I said go right ahead and record all of it. I have absolutely nothing to hide, and nothing to hide from. Now, when I'm home with kids, I insist on having the camera on, because I'm not the one with erratic, borderline personality disorder, and I'm not the one verbally abusing …
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 08:13 PM
7

If you suspect your wife may have a personality disorder, spend some time reading about how to handle such conditions. I read "stop walking on eggshells", best thing I ever did. My stbxw is undiagnosed borderline, and I'm taking all the precautions. We still live in the same house with our kids, but separately. No contact. She has already leveled very serious, criminal allegations against me over the past 2 years. But you know what: (aside from them all being untrue), 1. my lawyer helped me real…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 04:50 PM
8

Brother, thank you for posting. You have shown tremendous courage in the face of a terrifying unknown. First, you will survive for sure, and you won't be homeless! Second, you are well on your way to winning the long game with your sons. That is huge, and should help relieve some of your worry. You need a lawyer right away. Don't wait. You have legal rights, and you need the ability to exercise those rights using the right tools. Living in your office is not advised, most companies have policies…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 04:01 PM
3

Ooh, this one is great!! Speaking of which, I need to get my ass up and go to the gym. But really do not drink. Clarity of mind, stoicism, and healthy habits. Also, drinking will be used against you in the worst possible of ways. Ask us all how we know!
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 03:45 PM
4

This is amazingly true, every last word. I'll add something though: I'm here because I decided it was over, but I still struggle with all of these things, plus guilt, fear, anxiety, etc. the people here have helped me logically parse all of this and work through the grieving process. You are all heros. Thank you
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 03:41 PM
5

I'm not sure why you care. If you are divorcing, then it means you have decided the marriage is over, and emotionally you need to disengage. She's going to be with other people, so are you. All's fair in love and war.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 01:22 AM
1

I'm going to have this same question, probably. Did your attorney not advise you?
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 01:56 AM
8

I support this. After we separated, I was enjoying an occasional glass of wine 1x per week, thinking this is fine. Was aggressively labeled a drunk and angry alcoholic, hiding boos and a danger to my children. So, that lasted one week, and I learned real quick: there is no bottom. Watch yourself like a hawk, she is, and will twist everything you do into some dangerous perversion that justifies a PO. I mean, I'm not even allowed to drink from the toilet anymore. /s
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 12:17 AM
10

Maybe consider: are her actions reciprocal to your commitment and effort? If the answer is no, then why are you wasting your time? She "respected" your effort by continuing a pattern of cheating, and justifying it with a flimsy scapegoat of "your temper". That shows how committed she is to you. Lots of fish, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 11:15 PM
7

I routinely point out to me tweens how peaceful and normal it has been after going no contact (divorce in process). They agree, and this is somewhat inadvertently how I let them know that divorce is better... They came to the conclusion themselves.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 10:52 PM
2

My therapist specifically called out the following for me: it's not enough to leave the dysfunctional relationship, we must also undo your patterns of thinking and behavior that led to this choice in partner in the first place, so you can avoid it in the future. I informed him that my future involves being a an Ascetic monk somewhere in the Himalayas.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 06:14 PM
3

I have also, on numerous occaisons barricaded myself in the guest bedroom. But, I wasn't smart like you, I didn't say what the fuck and I doing. I said: "she'll calm down, and then we can reason through this like adults". Now I live in the guest bedroom while the divorce process is playing out. much time wasted. like all 19 years.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 05:29 AM
3

one? she takes no such chances.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 05:23 AM
3

sometimes the opposite can happen. abuse does weird things. my stbxw is like her father, a tyrant. her mother is amazing, but was the victim of an abusive, patriarchical household where the man makes all the decisions on everything. and she cooks / raises the kids. We haven't seen that here since the 50's and 60's, but in other countires, it still exists. so my stbxw vowed never to be the "victim" of a controlling husband and went the extreme opposite, oppressing me in every possible way "make s…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 05:16 AM
6

as my therapist said, if you are wearing rose colored glasses, all the flags are the same color.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 05:11 AM
2

cool. neither of us are working on it. so you're saying there's still a chance! /s
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 05:09 AM
3

I don't know why she changed. If she truly is borderline, then it's a combination of factors, including my own inability to maintain consistent boundaries... It inadvertently reinforces the splitting behavior, making it progressively worse. Also, I think we are fundamentally very different people, and we just didn't want to admit it. We were all in on family and playing house, but never addressed fundamentals very well. For instance, she grew up in war, her father was not only a victim of abuse …
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 03:18 AM
8

Open marriage is another word for divorce. This is not healthy. Your marriage is over. Move on.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 02:25 AM
7

I'm never going back... Slavery. It is definitely slavery.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 01:42 AM
3

I would recommend therapy to deal with these internal voices. it's a defense mechanism. I've seen a few posts by others who flip the script on divorce, they proudly annouce it, and turn it into a light hearted joke as a means to take ownership of their situation and avoid the pity party inflicted upon you. that might be something to explore in therpy.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 05:54 PM
11

like many posted here already, I had enough of the constant verbal abuse, insane fights, and general contempt for my existence. it wasn't "all bad", but it was frequently bad enough that I finally pulled the plug. In the past 2 years, our fights progressed from monthly to weekly; and they were real bad. We had our last major public (that was new... public) fight in a mall, where she declared (again) that she wanted a divorce, and stormed off leaving the kids somewhere in the mall for me to find …
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 05:43 PM
8

My stbxw has the opposite affliction. Impulsively bad decisions based on her "intuition" and "ability" to read people. No research, no pro/con analysis, just decision now, her gut know everything, and you are not allowed to argue or else you are attacking her very person.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 04:55 PM
6

Exactly. I've attempted to stand my ground many times, only to be annihilated with a howitzer of verbal sewage so severe it would make a grown man sob. Oh wait, it did.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 04:50 PM
11

"I was a child when we got married (24), you took advantage of my innocence and ruined me. You'll never amount to anything without me. I made you.". It's an actual quote. Said many many many times to me. I even believed it. (Past tense.)
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 04:48 PM
3

That's, actually, a really good idea!
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 10:17 PM
3

Same. she emails me shit multiple times a day. thank you for self-documenting your controlling, aggressive behavior. I never respond, or if it's required (kids), I use the BIFF method. But, I normally just let her stew in her own shit and never bother to respond. We even still live in the same house (just starting the Div process), but I'm full self-imposed no contact. email only. I don't even acknowledge her if I see her in the other room. like she doesn't even exist. That's the only way I can …
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 09:24 PM
8

agree. I actually think my stbxw is borderline, and I'm not one to just toss those words around because it's fun. She has a pattern of unstable, violent, emotional raging, that takes everyone down around her. we all walk on eggshells (I know cliche) but she is literally like a granade, you just never know what or when it's going to be set off. I learned a long time ago to just not speak, and to stick to only the things that seemed to not detonate the monster. that did not work. It's more than ju…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 09:18 PM
4

that is completely insane. Glad you are out of that hell hole!
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 09:15 PM
5

I actually couldn't even sleep correctly, according to her. "You're breathing too loud!" or "stop moving" or "you can't sleep now, it's only 11pm - how fucking old are you? low energy useless asshole" (my jobs demand about ~60-70 hrs per week). or my all-time favorite: we need "x" from the store, go now before they close (11:47pm) So, I'm the loser. that's the moral of this story.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 09:11 PM
8

you said in another comment we married the same person - it is so very true. I'm actually happy to part ways with 50% of my assets simply to be left in peace. not one more word from her ever again. it's literally torture. unfortunatly, I'll have to share the kids with that monster, and continually work to undo her pattern of rage. I already see my older one taking on some of her predilications - gonna nip that shit in the bud real quick.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 09:06 PM
6

true - rethink you life priorities /s If I made too much noise in the morning, making anything for her, that's it... the day was going to be hell. my god, so much trauma...
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 09:03 PM
11

I wish I could say I provide free IT tech support, but my payment is actually gratuitous verbal assaults on my character, followed by the following standard threat: "every othre guy in the world knows how to do this. I'm just going to call [enter name of friend], and he'll fix it, and I know just how to pay him too - because you're fucking useless" me: it's just you didn't plug in the power cable...
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 09:02 PM
13

thank you for writing all that so I didn't have to. you don't see her telling your kids that he's a fucking loser, piece of shit dad pretty much every day. that $350 on Christmas outfits really struck home... and the insane screaming and yelling for getting the "perfect" picture with the kids. "Smile you little shits! Or I'll show you how to smile... "
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 08:58 PM
3

I just spit my coffee all over my desk. Lol!!
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 07:20 PM
5

how utterly thoughtless of you. /s was "her time' extremely valuable too? I got daily: "my time is extremely valuable; you are wasting it"
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 07:15 PM
7

100% spot on.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 07:09 PM
6

this is all comically sad. the fact that we live(d) in such absurd circumstances. the PTSD I have, that I discuss with my therapist, all stems from this exact kind of shit. I'm like you, I cleaned the ktichen thoroughly after every meal - every dish, counter, floors, etc. That was never appreciated, and the screaming abuse was received for trivial offenses. daily living. her insane bad habit: leaving the refrigerator wide open and walking away. like, WTF?
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 07:07 PM
5

when I moved to the spare bedroom, I was able to place everything I own into a single box. but you know, equality in marriage and all...
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 07:00 PM
5

yes, because she "meets" people and her job requires that she "look good" all the time. I had one small little box for my clothes... and the garage. I'm not kidding: she owns more shoes than you would probably find in any shoe store - sometimes 3 or 4 of the exact same pair, just for backup. I have the same single pair of shoes I bought 6 years ago. my options for self-elimination from earth included destroying any article of her clothing. The shit I tolerated... Yes, it seems we are strangly ma…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 06:56 PM
5

The big one, actually, was she never picked up her clothes from around the bedroom, it constantly looked like a bomb went off with dozens of missing pair shoes, half worn clothes, outfit tests, and how dare I even try to sit on my 3 square inches of the bed that I was allotted. If I ever mentioned any of this... The SWAT team would be called in to restore proper authority and order .
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 06:37 PM
3

This is surprisingly accurate.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 06:34 PM
22

Yep. This is me. This is why we're divorcing. But my error was way more serious: I did not put the paper towel holder thingy back in exactly the spot on the counter she commanded. This was completely inexcusable by me and therefor the 3 day rager where I was re-accused of every single mistake I had ever made in 19 years was necessary to remind of what a useless fuck and loser i am. I had obviously forgotten.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 05:07 PM
5

Not a god damn thing.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 05:15 AM
2

Strict adherence to that exact protocol. Thank you, brother! All the best to you as well!
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 02:01 AM
1

When I informed my attorney that my stbxw is a non practicing attorney... She laughed and said, oh great, another wannabe star litigator. She said she may have some difficulty retaining counsel, as most practicing attorneys (in family) don't want to be told how to do their job. That basically describes my stbxw... She will tell anyone what to do, even if she has not one fucking clue about what it is. Never stopped her. This is going to be epic for sure. Can't wait.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:48 AM
1

Meaning, there are dumb shit family.law attorneys willing to entertain this horseshit? And even try to move into proceedings? That's fucking fantastic... Morons.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:41 AM
2

Good job! 👍
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:34 AM
2

Are you in a community property state? This might be challenging. So what's the total she defrauded you? You may end up paying more in attorney fees than the value you are attempting to recover. If it's a serious amount of money, 10s of thousands of more, then you could potentially file suit. But this definitely needs to go to your attorney. It's complicated.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:30 AM
2

This. 100%. They get so enraged that they fail to see the long term implications of their accusations. Same with abuse. How come you didn't call the police, file a report? The abuse was so bad you continued living together, texting discussing the children daily? So bad, really? My stbxw is even an attorney... She knows better and she still did this, and the bar is so much higher when you are an attorney. Also, a lot of people talk about counseling and reconciliation. I just want to say for me, a…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:26 AM
2

Why wait? Force her into email only. Texting is dangerous, and doesn't easily translate into a paper trail. Also, she can trap you and suck you into emotional arguments that will be used against you. If you are divorcing for sure, just block all comms except email. Your lawyer will thank you
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:21 AM
2

The signs of abuse and manipulation are very obvious to those who see it day in and day out. Agree honesty is the best policy. We've had our scuffles in the past, I was honest with my attorney so they would know what to anticipate. That is all. If she wants to press charges, go right ahead. That's a nasty road, and there are consequences for lying.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:17 AM
7

Dude, do not worry. My stbxw wife accused me of molesting my own children and then accused me of spousal rape. My attorney (woman btw, but it doesn't matter), laughed and said, they all do that. A DA rarely if ever prosecutes because there's no evidence, and they all know that this is kind of common. She said, if stbxw gets the children to cooperate on the accusations, it will present challenges for custody, but the criminal stuff... Highly unlikely. I wouldn't worry. I'm a decent guy, and so ar…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:03 AM
1

I believe CA has the same kind of thing, but I'm not sure.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 10:14 PM
1

This list is a good start. Noted that I've done all those things, and I knew nothing 4 weeks ago. Credit to this sub to get me oriented. If you think you can amicably discuss division of major assets without it escalating into a rage fit of handfuls of shit being slung, then go for it. Otherwise the two forms you will be given by your attorney to fill out are FL-150 and FL-142 (in soCAL at least). These will be a painful articulation of all accounts, expenses, debts and income. It took me about …
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 10:11 PM
3

In the CA, you are not allowed to do this if there is a joint custody order. Both parties are required to remain within the jurisdiction within reasonable accommodation to facilitate transportation and management of the children and their requisite activities. One party moving out of state with the kids would mean full custody, essentially.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 09:53 PM
3

Absolutely! I'm not huge on medication in general.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 08:19 PM
6

you see, she has a place to go. her sister has a big house literally 10 minutes away. I do not have anywhere to go except Motel 6. not gonna do it. If she wants absolule separation, she can pack her bags and move in with her sister. Until a court orders me to leave, I'm staying put, as uncomfortable, awakward, and tense as it is (because she flies into a rage over anything - but since IDGAF and I'm full NC, she can yell and scream all she wants... enjoy... must suck to live that way)
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 04:35 PM
9

I have not moved out. I'm going nowhere. I am a legal owner of that house, and there's nothing she can do (well... ) to get me out, depite her multiple, unyielding attempts to get me to leave. Prior to going no-contact, I informed her that I have a legal right to be in my house with my children, and have since stood my ground. this has not made her very happy. too bad.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 04:15 PM
8

omg, I never even thought of that! I asked my attorney yesterady about requiring therapy for my children, but always assumed that it would be something she would have to agree to / participate in. hell yeah! I love this idea. doing it for sure! thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 04:08 PM
5

nice. love this story. Yeah, it's obvious to me now based on the slew of hate mails I'm receiving about every hour, that I was only ever an ATM. She works, but somehow, I've always paid for everything. it' not really joint when only one person contributes, and pays the bills. She is masterful at manipulation. I'm sure she's going to go for everyhing: house, retirement accounts, alimony, CS, all of it, and she'll do it without one ounce of remorse.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 04:07 PM
6

yeah, at that age, they have no frame of reference. they just want their parents to be happy and for everything to be "fine". So, in addition to fending off her attacks towards me, I get to now manage the drama and fall out she puts on the children. Yeah - they don't understand the complexities of finances, the divorce process, no contact orders, etc. why should they - they should be playing, going to school, having fun being a kid. But Borderline mother needs emotional support from anyone she c…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 03:42 PM
6

I keep contemporaneous notes of all interaction. I restricted all communication to email only (she also was furious about that - and emailed me so); because we are living under the same roof (separately) I had to enforce this because her anger knows no boundaries and quickly escalates into rage. After 4 months, she has learned that I don't respond to her in person - I don't even acknowledge her. I'll skip the details, but we're dealing with a hostile situation here. I have cameras in the house, …
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 03:31 PM
5

Yeah, I'm careful to never speak a word against her. Thanks for listening to my rant.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 03:12 PM
1

Dude that's bad. And sounds like classic borderline behavior. I'm sure this has been going on for a long time. Borderline and narcissists can share traits from each disorder; it is common. She will likely never admit fault, not ever. In my case I'm still waiting after 19 years for even 1 utterance of the word "sorry". She has never spoken it, like it doesn't even exist. They will never admit fault or wrong doing, and if they do it's part of the hoover to get you back in... It's not sincere, and …
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 01:51 PM
3

Court records are public, you can just search to see if there is a case file assigned to your and her names, if you feel that the stonewalling will continue. Additionally, since you will likely want an attorney, you could just retain one and let them deal with the filings. If you think you can keep things amicable, great. But stonewalling is not a good indication of amicable.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 05:06 AM
2

People who are borderline engage in a characteristic pattern of splitting, where they love and then they hate you. This cycle is exacerbated when the receiving party (you) inconsistently sets boundaries for this and other behavior thereby inadvertently reinforcing it through the variable reward mechanism. (I'm summarizing here). This results in ever increasing dramatics in order to "cause" you to stay in the dysfunctional relationship, even if in the moment they are cursing you to death and thro…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 03:18 AM
3

Brother, don't worry. Deep breath. Tomorrow hire an attorney. Get your affairs in order. Organize finances, you're going to need documents of everything. Which state are you in? Do you have kids? Your attorney will want to know if there is DV involved. Don't lie. Get yourself into therapy if you can, or find a support group. This sub is filled with lots of great people who can help you. Were all in this shit together.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 02:23 AM
3

You can't say that word around here and live to tell about it! /s
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 01:49 AM
3

Way to go! Fully agree with one caveat: this most definitely will not work if she legit has borderline personality disorder. Ask me how I know.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 01:34 AM
1

In their effort to make it equitable for SAHM, they fucked over the men, and sent us into poverty. Why, so I can be abused twice? She fucked me over! Not the other way around.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 12:29 AM
3

A little bit the same. I make 4x what she does, she cannot afford the mortgage plus everything else UNLESS I'm paying her a shit ton in alimony. (So I'm paying my mortgage). I want my kids to stay in their home, and anyway she can go live with her (also shit) sister up the street. But I guess we will see how it goes. I have a good attorney, she is good with taxes and finance, and high net worth divorces. I should probably listen to her...
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 12:24 AM
2

My man! What the actual fuck?? Can you sue everyone involved for fraud, malfeasance, and whatever the fuck else? This sounds like malpractice at its best. When you get back on your feet, find an attorney and sue youe ex for damages. I am not an attorney, so I'm blowing empathetic shit here, but I would be so livid, I would go to law school myself just to fucking sue everyone of these fuckers myself. You got me all riled up.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 12:17 AM
8

Which do you think is a better deal? Consider we don't have a rental property. Primary home with lots of equity and very sizeable 401k. I want the house. But we've not even started on negotiations yet. Still at the very beginning. I calculated the shit out of this every which way, and I'm trying to determine the long term return. I think 401k has it better, long term return on a house 1700sqft house in socal I think might be topped out. I can afford to buy her out of the house though. I just don…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 12:10 AM
2

This made me laugh!!
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 11:52 PM
1

eSIM. And accessory specific, so it's.not.the same SIM your phone would get. Dumb as bricks,.for tech: yes.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 11:00 PM
2

This, along with the other responses, is great advice. She's currently having a fit about our daughter's digital watch. Stbxw dropped herself from the family wireless plan and is now demanding, with lots of healthy accusations and shit flinging, that she be given control of our daughter's limited use phone line (I suspect this to be a longer methodical play for parental alienation). Stbxw has not been served yet, so I don't really have options to petition the court etc. I will be addressing this…
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 04:11 PM
7

My therapist tells me what you are (I am) feeling is completely normal, and while you (I) don't see it now, the kids adore you and cherish every minute. Carry on man, as the other person said, you are father of the year!
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 07:34 AM
7

I want her to get served by my attorney first. Then we can do all these fun party tricks
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 04:04 AM
5

Cool. Just so I know that the rants won't stop. She loves control like a moth to one of those zapper things. I see a lot of people here recommend our family wizard. You wait for the court to order it, or you can start any time?
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 03:54 AM
4

This is true. Maybe at least the financial implications. I had no idea. Maybe they didn't either.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 03:18 AM
20

I wish my parents had explained any of this to me 20 years ago. I will teach my children.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 02:52 AM
2

We're all in the same BPD boat I see. Room for one more? I am still living in the same house. We separated in May. We have two tweens, so dividing the time while divorce plays out, which just got started. I'm full no contact with her. Like zero, except email for managing kids. And still she manages through email to make my life a living hell. I use the BIFF strategy and I never engage emotionally with her ever. And I have therapists lawyers and you fine people to help hold me accountable. But it…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 06:31 PM
2

I'm with you brother. Going through this right now with stbxw. Of course, naturally I'm the abuser and she needs protection from me. It's been hell. I've been depressed for a long time. My therapist asked me a simple question: name something that you enjoy doing. My first reaction was, let me ask her... Although I didn't say it out loud. My actual response was: "nothing., which is also the truth. There is no "I" with a borderline.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 06:24 PM
2

My stbxw likely is undiagnosed borderline personality. 1/10 do not recommend. I'm in therapy, my kids will need therapy, she is a walking disaster emotionally, albeit high functioning everywhere else. She can shred you to pieces in an instant for simply having the wrong expression on what used to be your face. Any semblance of esteem, identity, individuality, courage, hope, love, has long since been utterly destroyed by her: a black hole of despair, denial, and an abject inability for self refle…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 06:21 PM
3

Get an attorney. Just because the statute mandates alimony doesn't mean it has to be included in the settlement. You both can agree (or your lawyers can agree) on the negotiated terms.of the settlement. There's a lot of horse trading i hear. Context: also in CA, also high net worth divorce, but just getting started. Almost same exact ratio, I'm 4x what she is, and I don't want to give her a dime. She makes six figures, and has a law degree. Let's be real California.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 02:12 PM
7

Hey, I was married to someone just like this. In fact those words are nearly the exact of what was said to me. Usually, the issue was I was exhausted from work, but it could have been anything really. I'm willing to venture a guess that she is equally vitriolic about lots of other things too, and that this type of interaction is not infrequent. I begged for marriage therapy. She refused. I asked that she not speak like that to me, she said I wasn't a real man. We are now in the process of divorc…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 01:50 PM
1

I'm with you! I think I remember reading there is an age where they can basically decide where to live. Maybe it's 18, I'm not sure exactly. But I know my oldest wouldn't even blink. I'm so afraid of her just taking off and never coming back to simply be away from the madness, and that's a big reason for the Divorce. I do not care about money at all.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 12:11 AM
4

A great tax deduction option, open a small business such as consulting, and incur reasonable expenses. Make sure your business makes some income, otherwise a business always in the red raises questions. Many business expenses are dollar for dollar write offs.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 07:46 PM
2

Same. And somehow this made perfect sense to her...
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 07:43 PM
8

Good for you! a win for sure. I'm sad that I likely won't get full custody of my children. We live in CA, which is a 50/50 state, but my stbxw is verbally abusive. I just was the kind, push-over that never recorded any of it. Doesn't matter, I'm playing the long game, and I know my daughters (especially the older one - 13) already despise her - she is always angry with them and blames them for everything. I make it a point to have fun with them whenever we are together; we never speak about the …
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 06:05 PM
25

Woman move on emotionally long before you ever realize it, and then it's physical and you are still playing with your toes. I laughed when I got to the word "if" in your post... My stbxw claims to be a "good Catholic" from a "good family". Need I say more?
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 02:33 AM
2

That's awesome imagery. Do I have to license it?
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 01:40 AM
1

Rough, like being dragged over volcanic glass rough? (I hear some people got eggshells.). Her latest strategy has been to accuse me of spousal rape. .like that kind of rough?
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 01:26 AM
3

I only made it to 19. Is there an award in here someplace?
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:46 AM
5

I was told by numerous people, numerous times: "she doesn't take shit from anyone". Translation: cut-throat, uncompromising bitch, with no remorse. But at the time, "oh she's confident!" (I'm so dumb...)
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:44 AM
3

There's this book called the DSM IV...
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:39 AM
6

It's like a Mr bean sketch, like my life.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:37 AM
6

My stbxw was only ever friends with men. "I just get along better with men". And now I don't have to care where she goes late at night.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:36 AM
2

This is true, and rotting is a type of super power that does kinda help with no contact though. I'm doing all the healthy things for me I was never "allowed" to do before.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:33 AM
2

I've learned from being here that my story is like yours, and his... And his and his over there. We have all shared trauma from these people, and mostly I just want to know why? I mean, I know why. But it's amazing how similar all our stories are. Just a pattern that repeats with slight variation.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:29 AM
4

I appreciate the support. We all need it sometimes, and that is exactly why I am here. To give and receive. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:25 AM
3

Listen to the guys here. You should not be dating. Firstly because you sound very vulnerable, and that in itself is setting you up for another emotional train wreck. You need to achieve indifference,as has been pointed out. Then, your mind.is free to see clearly how to repair the damage. Seeking another woman is a bandaid to a lacerated aorta. You are still going to bleed out. You need major surgery to save your life. This got rather more graphic than I expected.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:23 AM
1

I identify as an ATM. Is this the right room?
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:16 AM
4

It all started when I filed for divorce from my stbxw... I don't think I'm any of those things, but now that she's not.living rent free in my head, I have a lot more clarity of thought on just about everything. The only super power I want is inner peace. I've been at war with myself on her account for so long, I don't remember what happiness even feels like.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 12:09 AM
1

I'm confused as to how all these women just don't understand how technology works. Like, it's not hard to sign out of an account, clear cache, use your own phone etc. I keep reading stories here of women getting found out because they left the web browser open or some shit. Totally not defending them, but just... So dumb.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 06:11 PM
1

Get an attorney. You probably knew that. But for context, my stbxw casually throws (threw) around accusations of spousal rape and has made statements on 3 separate occasions, which of course I documented, of having an "inappropriate" relationship with our oldest daughter, who is 13. Not only is this behavior abhorrent, and not in the least bit true, it terrifies me that she is even capable of holding such thoughts in her head and willing to verbalize them in front of our two children. We have ha…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 06:06 PM
3

My stbxw goes out someplace almost very night. We live separately in the same house with our two tweens. She actually just left right now, and I couldn't be more happy. Where'd she go? Who gives a fuck? I don't care if she's walking the streets of Tijuana... As she used to like to say: you do you. So IDGAF. Bye!
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 04:58 AM
1

Truth, brother. Listen up everyone!
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 04:53 AM
3

She had no sense of how long any project took. Fixing the fence? 20 minutes max, before she would come for the status check, which really meant you are taking too long and she had other ideas and plans for my time. Literally all the house projects were half unfinished. Now we are separated, all the house projects are getting done because I completely ignore her. And she would tell from the other side of the house ... For me to stop whatever I was doing and come do whatever she needed. If I didn'…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 04:37 AM
3

This is me. If my stbxw had nothing to do, that led to her criticizing everyone, me, kids, whoever, which led to arguments, which escalated, which resulted in leaving the house. Constantly staying busy to avoid that death trap. I literally bought a couch for thousands of dollars that I never sat on .
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 04:32 AM
2

I have wondered this myself, a lot. How did I get here? It just sort of happened when we got busy with young kids. And in the interest of keeping the peace I maintained status quo. It only became a noticeable problem when money was tight and she sprung a surprise $6k CC bill once, and I literally had a meltdown, like how you could you rack up that much debt in a single month from.... Checks notes... Costco. That episode happened, her parents were there, and they gave me the lecture about how a "…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 07:30 PM
3

You too. Yes we are.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 07:12 PM
5

Yes. In my opinion. I'm leaving an equally cruel and "doesn't take shit from anyone" wife. She is beyond mean to our oldest daughter, she is verbally abusive. She also hides "her" money, and uses the joint checking account to pay off her credit card while contributing no funds to the account. She works, makes good money. I am never allowed to see her credit card, but yet she gets full transparency of all my transactions and accounts. We have major issues beyond money, most having to do with her …
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 05:35 PM
3

Every single family get together, holiday, special event, vacation, has been marked with a horrific fight, usually between my stbxw and her own father. Usually culminating in him storming out and then radio silence for weeks. Stbxw grew up in this kind of environment and naturally cultivates this in our home... Go figure. And hence the reason for stbxw. Stay strong, protect yourself. These people are batshit crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 04:45 PM
2

Are you by chance in an inter cultural marriage? Or were you? I am. I found that much of my stbxw's toxic parenting and abject lack of an ability to treat me as a human, comes from the way her family treated her, as well as growing up in war. These aren't excuses for her, because therapy has always been available (just rejected out of hand). In her culture, corporal punishment is seen as necessary, but somehow I'm the abuser. Her rage and anger, and then splitting behavior (BPD like traits) are …
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 04:37 PM
2

Good advice. Even before the settlement. It's joint, so I guess she needs to approve...
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 03:25 PM
1

I honestly believe we are strangely married to (or were) the exact same person. She is super harsh are the kids academically. A B is considered failure. She's 13. The youngest is 10. What the actual fuck?
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 03:24 PM
2

You know, I don't know if she realizes that. I think she believes she is going to get a huge payday, she'll get to keep everything because, you know, of all the "abuse" and stuff. She's been stashing away money for years into her business account, and thinks she gets to hide behind an LLC. She's going to be really upset. Oh well.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 12:47 PM
3

the attorney I hired was specifically for family law, and within that, specifically for contentious, high-net worth divorces; and within that she had years of experience in Tax law. I'm not rich. my stbxw is a non-practicing attorney, and litigous as hell. that's why I did that. I'm also in CA, and it's going to cost me my first born child; good thing I have two.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 06:54 AM
1

here's the actual email, verbatim: "I don't have to be on your timeline for this one. It is simple. You don't have any right to look at my phone number and control it. I want it out of your hands. I need this done today. I am not able to access my voicemail and something is fishy. Stop the games" this is literally how she speaks to me all the time. this is like normal talk. a good day. this is not somehow special because we are separated. And this is over email. can you imagine the fun of having…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 06:47 AM
1

I'll post the update when the shoe drops. I've been preparing myself for some evil shit once she gets served. She's kind of figured out that it's coming, because of how consistently "no contact" I've been. Today, she accused me of "spying" on her; hacking into her phone and listening to her voicemails, chaing her PIN, and, as a result, she is now insisting to separate her phone number from the ATT family plan (good, you can pay for it yourself!) . I.. like.. wouldn't even know how to do any of t…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 06:43 AM
3

wait, that's two people so far saying exactly the same thing. strange.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 06:38 AM
2

Shit. I hear you, that's like Tuesday night for me. All our fights went exactly like that, on basically a weekly basis. They would escalate into her raging and screaming at me, accusing me of the baseless and vile of things, followed by lots of: you're not a real man, you have no balls, so many men I know would take me any second, and you a shit worthless father, abusive fuck, etc. I mean, sorry I left the door open. I would end up sleeping in the guest bedroom, and she would come in around 3am …
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 06:36 AM
7

Lol!! Yes. Yes I should. Please, just leave me out of it completely. Go with God... Or whatever.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 05:19 AM
9

Truth. Right here. All you need to know.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 05:01 AM
9

I agree with this completely. And it's what my probably borderline stbxw will do for sure. She lives by Catholic guilt, so anything she can do to wash away the responsibility of what she has done so she can continue her application for sainthood, she will do at my expense.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 05:00 AM
9

I agree 100%. It took me 20 years to learn the lesson: do not give them the opportunity to fuck you over. Since our separation 4 months ago, I have gone completely no contact. Try that while still living in the same 1200 sqft house! Like, you are not even a person to me that I have to acknowledge . I give her 1 word answers in email IF I have to, because it concerns the kids. Why so extreme? She baselessly accused me of spousal rape and molesting my own children. Why would I ever give this perso…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 04:56 AM
9

Dude, like why is this even a question. She called the police on you, accused you of all kinds.of abuse, and you are wondering if you should now hang out with this whack job? Do you respect yourself? I get the kids, but this is a total trap. Learn to consistently say no, mean it, and accept it. Let her destroy someone else's life.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 04:47 AM
5

I saw you over in the other post. I'm the dude with the stbxw wannabe attorney. This has got to be the best.post I've seen in a while. Very practical advice, and truly amazing that you got through it. My stbxw may ask for mediation, but 1. She doesn't have an attorney yet, and 2. She does t know I filed the petition for dissolution (well my attorney did). That was intentional on my part, as the absolute worst thing I could do would be to give her time to prepare. So in the meantime I'm getting s…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 09:29 PM
2

I hope you are right. 100% to everything you said
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 09:00 PM
2

Man, if only you knew. This is why I'm receiving good advice to stay the course. I've absorbed a lot of crazy for far too long. The good news is (sarcasm in bound). We're still living and working in the same house! California sucks. And I don't know what we're going to do. But living in a hostile home sure is fun. Since there's no communication and no contact at all, it actually has been relatively peaceful. Even the kids are happier. Small wins.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 07:43 PM
2

Exactly! Yeah, CA is 50/50. She's not practicing law, she's doing some low grade consulting in DEI of all things, and could be earning a respectable 6 figures, but apparently likes minimum wage. She is the rager.... Everything in our history has been her litigating a case against me. I'm literally a defendant on my own ongoing trial. It totally sucks, but then again she treats everyone this way, so why am I surprised.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 07:40 PM
2

Yeah, I don't know either, but I told my lawyer I will not be speaking with her under any circumstances. Every communication from her is an accusation, and I'm not even kidding. She just forgot her voicemail pin, and accused me of monitoring her and hacking her accounts. It's been like this for years. FML
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 07:35 PM
6

everything said here AND people, especially adults, do not change without a significant, long-term investment in their psychological identity. Behaviors and beliefs are well engrained by this point, and "hoping" or "romanticizing" about a 180, sudden revelation is sadly just denial wrapped in a prettier package. Do yourself a favor, and make a better life for yourself. leave the backage lost at the airport.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 07:27 PM
6

I won't try to talk you out of it, since you already presented a solid case in your post. Stick to your resolve. There's also the Borderline Personality sub, if you would like to read stories about guys who caved. Spoiler: it didn't end well.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 07:19 PM
3

I think my stbxw (see lawyer comment above) is going to fight me for the house. The prospect of having to move and rent in San Diego is causing me more anxiety that the divorce itself. She's going to want everything, spousal support, child support, the house, investments... She's ruthless and comfortable throwing accusations of abuse around. So, I'm sad because I worked so hard to get here, and she just doesn't give a shit. As others have said, all the relationship equity doesn't matter. I'm wro…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 06:39 PM
3

My stbxw is a lawyer, although not practicing, family law of all things! I am told, lawyers hate dealing with ex, wannabe, attorneys. I hired the best law firm in the city, and those account balances... Well those are just numbers, right, it's not real money? My red lines are 50/50 custody, the house, minimize the damage of spousal support. I'm in socal, so living under a bridge is a real possibility here.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 06:28 PM
1

Cool. I learned something new! Not that I ever want to have to make use of it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 01:42 AM
8

In my state, this is called child abduction and they issue amber alerts. Go to the police. You can get an emergency court order to ping the nearest cell tower. But ask your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 06:27 PM
6

Don't do it. Then get back my DeLorean.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 06:23 PM
3

Married 19 years. Filed dissolution papers a week ago. Just starting the process.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 06:19 PM
2

People grow and change throughout their life. Since you only get one life, I would say you are allowed to dictate the terms of your life the way you want, and not be saddled with guilt via nostalgia for the rest of your life. There's nothing that says humans can't have multiple meaningful relationships in the course of their life. The idea that you marry once and forever is horseshit imposed by a society stuck in the past. Not advocating a free for all, but simply to recognize where these constr…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 02:48 PM
3

It was sarcasm. But point taken.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 12:11 PM
1

Agree. That's why I didn't even bother to tell her I filed. Don't help your enemies. Anyway, she's an attorney and would know how to properly fuck me over. So, the best I can do is keep my cards close and don't help her at all by engaging in her traps.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 01:51 AM
3

Yeah, we're full on no contact, living in separate rooms, juggling kids 50/59. Been like that for 4 months. It's a hostile situation, and she loses her shit on a regular basis. I cut off all communication except for email. Cameras all over the place, and lawyered up as soon as possible. I've been living on this sub long enough to know that her use of the word "amicable" has a totally different meaning than what the dictionary says. I stopped giving her anything to go off of, I don't look at her,…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 01:48 AM
2

I forgot the sarcastic symbol. But yes, I'm in for a very rough journey....
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 01:29 AM
5

This is true. I've been living on peanut butter for like 4 months. Never gets old.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 12:44 AM
2

according to my stbxw, I didn't just make mistakes. I made ALL the mistakes. ;) FTFY
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 12:38 AM
13

Question: what's with all the guys moving out? I don't want to move out, I want her to move out!! She can't afford the mortgage anyway!! (Well maybe with the shit ton of spousal support I will have to pay), but still, there's no way she could afford everything: taxes, etc. but I can. What's all this shit about the women getting the house? I'm in socal, do you know what it's like to lose your house here? Good luck ever affording any place ever again. But somehow, the abuser wins?
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 12:20 AM
3

So she had full custody of the children? Was she asking for money on top of alimony and child support?
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 10:56 PM
2

Such a great example. I stopped trying to teach my ex anything for exactly the same reasons. For me, I was always the "IT" guy, there to fix all the problems she actually created. And when I didnt fix them instantly I'm a fucking moron who doesn't know anything useful, and she will just call a real man to do it. Then she would proceed to debate me on the very thing she knows nothing about, and finally throw up her arms crying and saying "well I didn't grow up with computers like you did". But it…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 04:01 PM
1

Yeah, I think I'm in it for a while. But the freedom is priceless. My attorney said it's not really forever and a lot of support orders are vacated at 5 to 10 years. I don't mind paying child support for my kids obviously. But her? She's an attorney, tomorrow she can get a 6 figure job well above my pay....but no one cares. So, I'll see what I can negotiate with my attorney. The hassle of finding a place to live so we can share child duties is just insane. Here in soCal, to rent means to enjoy g…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 03:46 PM
1

Sorry, I misread. I was having a fit from reading $15k. ;)
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 03:40 PM
1

Good lord, my man! What the actual fuck $15k per month And $7.5 for child support!! . Do you shit gold bricks as your job? I thought my estimated $6k per month forever was bad! She works, but I make 4x what she does. CA thinks it's funny that I have to pay her, a non practicing attorney, forever.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 03:18 PM
4

So, my stbxw and I come from different cultures. Her culture is located on the Eastern side of the Mediterranean. She grew up Catholic, and I grew up Episcopalian, it's like the same fucked up thing with different names. So let's start in on the series of bad decisions that led me here. First, her family is extremely traditional. The father runs the house, And everyone else gets to listen and obey. He was verbally abusive, but perhaps not physically (I wasn't there); he was macho, macho man. We …
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:11 PM
3

Lol, at least she said "sorry"
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 12:50 PM
3

I'm sorry man. That completely sucks. But hopefully you have legal support, and they should be helping on that front. I still have no idea what I'm going to do. Lots of good advice has been given, arguments for buying her out of the house, and arguments against that. With kids in the mix, it's tough, I don't want them to have to leave their home and neighborhood, and financially it shouldn't need to happen. There's plenty of money to buy her out of the equity. But it's the ego, maybe, on both si…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 05:06 AM
5

FYI... I make it a point to spend a little time here every day. Otherwise, I feel my brain doing that weird thing of wondering if I'm really making the right decision. Between here and the text messages I saved showing a level of depravity few can claim, I quickly return to my senses. Don't worry, it's also not an echo chamber of women hating men. There are plenty of those around. This is purely a support group, and part of support is being allowed to freely vent your frustration with a clearly …
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 04:58 AM
2

See, guys can be cool about this shit. Women, not sure... They'll probably descend into some cat fight about jealousy and who is more likely to be an influencer or some irrelevant tiktok vomit.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 02:06 AM
1

No worries, I knew you weren't. They never wake up, they just dig in.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 02:03 AM
3

I know we would all be friends in real life. I love this forum! It's cathartic! Seriously, I get so upset every time she says anything to me (which restricted to email only). By the looks of it, it's going to be about 12 months of pure, unadulterated hell getting through this divorce. I have the pleasure of paying for all of it. Haven't I paid enough with 20 years of my life? I'm never getting that back...
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:49 AM
4

Can I add? Who gives fuck if she ever wakes up? Do you really want to go back to repeatedly smashing your balls with a meat tenderizer every day? If my stbxw ever came back, having noticed how insanely good my life is, I'd probably stare at her the same way I would a yellowish/green piece of dog shit. But I'm not angry or anything. But in principle, I agree, if psychological revenge is what your are after, commit 100% of your energy to you, and you alone!
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:38 AM
5

Same. She's the kind that meticulously plans how to set you up to fail. She feels nothing; laughs as you descend into the flaming porta potty of hell. We have been living separately in the same house for 4 months. Just filed the divorce petition. She's going to rape me over the finances and the house, for sure. Good thing I have an excellent attorney. Believe me, if I could leave her penniless and destitute after all she has done to me, I would.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:30 AM
5

Maybe there's a follow on behavior: aggression. In my case, my stbxw not only exhibits all of these, but she then becomes overtly aggressive and controlling. Lashing out with increasing verbal abuse (" you raped me!", "you,'re planning to kill me", "go fuck your whores!") (none are true). In communication about the kids, she takes unilateral decisions (in email) then asks for compliance, leaving no room for discussion. Of course, our entire 20 year marriage was characterized by verbal violence, …
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:19 AM
2

Bingo!
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:13 AM
4

Uh, yeah, if she has any symptoms or traits of cluster B personality disorders, she would swear on Jesus Christ himself, or Mohamed, or whomever. They fucking lie til the end. May not be your case, but there's really not much else is there?
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:03 AM
17

Lol. You know what hardened me into a block of ice (towards her)? It was the daily accusations and paranoia that I was always trying somehow to undermine or disadvantage her, block her, make myself look good, and it was all malicious intent. The idea never even crossed my mind because I was always working, or recovering from some huge fight. If I ever defended myself, I became an arrogant fuck, a narcissist, who is a monster and not even aware of my own abusive tendencies... Every argument happe…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 11:54 PM
11

The school email system for our kid is down. Guess who's fault that it? I guess I've been intentionally withholding critical information to make myself look like "the good parent". FML
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 11:23 PM
2

Grieve for what might have been, and then move forward with the resolve to remake your own life for you. The more time you spend lamenting and ruminating, the less time you have for planning and living.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 02:33 PM
6

Man, that is awful. If you know for a fact that no drugs were involved and shes not one of those random victims of medical malpractice (odds are extremely low), then someone here is lying... Also, HIV is transmitted sexually (primary mechanism), so it's quite astonishing that you are not HIV+. Are you sure?
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 02:28 PM
3

I've got news for you man: if you are waiting on God to give you justice, you are going to be waiting for the rest of your life. Better take some initiative and get control of your own life. No one is coming to save you. Start with an attorney...today. your daughter will grow up resenting you if you don't take the right steps to protect her now. Sure, God's will and all, but he/she/it is telling you to pick up the phone and call a lawyer now.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 02:23 PM
2

I honestly think she has BPD. There are so many signs: the rage, the paranoia, the black and white thinking, the false accusations, refusal to admit fault, but the worst of them all is the lack of filter... Whatever is in her head is said out loud regardless of who is around or their age.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 05:47 AM
2

Kids are 14F and 10F. She is at odds with the oldest all the time. It's normal for teenagers to rebel, I get it, but it's not normal for the parent to verbally assault their own child, and that's exactly what the word garbage is that comes from her mouth. But my kids are strong. And the oldest can't wait to get out, she talks about it all the time, and I know exactly why. I encourage her to build dreams, make sure she goes to college, doesn't get pregnant, obviously put off marriage forever, all…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 05:39 AM
2

Thanks. I'm going to lose a lot, but it's just money. My sanity and my kids come first. Shes good to them, mostly (she can be verbally abusive to our oldest daughter), but I'm not going to ask for full custody. 50/50 is fair. I can build their confidence and self respect even at 50%. But I want nothing more to do with her ever again. 20 years of humiliation, verbal abuse and grovelling is enough for me.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 05:11 AM
2

I suppose the good news is that I've already retained an attorney, and already informed them of her disposition. Precautions are being taken on every front. I hope it doesn't come to a serious litigation, but I'm ready for it if it needs to.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 05:01 AM
2

Thanks, yeah I need another camera for sure, because my office is out back, and she has (or I guess had) a habit of just barging in whenever she pleases with some rando-fuck accusation. I could be in the middle of a conference call, it didn't matter. No boundaries at all, every emotion she feels is considered a real fact that you caused. It's fucking awful.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 04:47 AM
3

Ok. First. Take a real deep breath, and know that lots of us here are going through exactly the same thing. Me, for instance. I recommend the following. Read as many posts here as you can, to educate yourself about how to protect yourself from false allegations. Next, hire a good attorney. Do not skip this step. Do it yesterday and do not tell her, you do not help the enemy! (And if you think she's not, then you need to spend a little.more time here). Third, do not do mediation unless you hate m…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 02:03 AM
11

Its not worth it at all. It's all overblown hyped up bullshit, sold you by society, the wedding industry and some obscure social law to procreate or some shit. I would definitely not recommend, and I would definitely not do this again, not for all the money in the world...because then it would just become hers.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 01:15 AM
15

Learn how to recognize the signs of mental illness when you are young. This will serve you in life, perhaps more than anything else.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 01:12 AM
8

Same here. Stbxw graduated top of her class in undergrad, scholarships to law school. Quite remarkably smart. Emotionally, neanderthal. Never really practiced law, cause you know, she hates lawyer types... Ended up "consulting" DEI, and scrambling to earn poverty level income...you know, "for the cause". Believes she's some kind of therapist...or coach... Or whatever. Take a look at the warzone you call "home" before you preach to others... I think fast food pays more, actually.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 01:10 AM
1

I'm joining an exclusive club. ;)
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 09:56 PM
1

This sounds a lot better. $600k is a down payment, when I'm ready, and she can keep the kids in the house, and whatever. Personally, I don't think she makes the income to maintain it, but perhaps with the spousal support. But I'm also thinking, if she keeps the house, which will be worth a lot more when she ever sells it, that could reduce/eliminate the spousal support altogether. I'm delusional. $5k / mth forever. FML.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 09:50 PM
1

In socal, houses are hard to get/keep. That's a main driver.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 09:24 PM
3

We have a Google camera monitoring the common area. It's on whenever we are both in the house. Usually when I leave and she's just with kids she turns it off. (So I cNt record it see the abusive shit she says to them). But whatever. At first I was resisting the camera, and then I realized one day, it will be necessary to prove my innocence. Right on! I also have voice recorder on my phone and I'm documenting contemporaneously all interactions... Which are all hers, because I don't acknowledge he…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 09:20 PM
1

I would need to refinance the mortgage , and get that spectacular 7% on 360k. Assholes.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 09:11 PM
1

So I could send her the $500k from my retirement accounts in order to keep the house.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 09:10 PM
1

She has 50k in a SEP ira, I have 700k between Roth and rollover IRA, aside from the regular taxable account, which is about $600k.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 09:09 PM
1

I'm thinking through options. Our house is worth 1.4m, and we owe 360k. I make 4x what she does, and the math says I'll owe her $5k a month roughly in spousal support forever. Thanks CA! I don't think she could afford to buy me out. Well, if all the investments are liquidated I guess she technically could, but then she would have no or very little cash left. I would actually like to keep the house myself, and I'm in a much better situation financially to carry on. Of course, she'll be getting a …
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 08:59 PM
2

Thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 07:17 PM
1

Thank you for your response and suggestions. She has manipulated her family to take her side completely. Do I want to continue a marriage with a person who has accused me of spousal rape? Of molesting my own children? Who refers to our daughter as "the lying bitch whore". I have accepted an abusive home environment for a long time because of my own insecurities. I don't think this should continue any longer.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 07:09 PM
4

I love this advice, and I'm so sorry for your hardship. My stbxw will be getting served next week. I'm 45, she 42, we have two daughters (10/13). For nearly the entirety of our 20 year marriage, it has been verbal abuse and manipulation. Constantly putting me down as a shit, abusive husband and father (no), and then when I try to extract myself, the manipulation starts (why do you hate me?, your abandoning us, am I really that terrible of a wife, etc...) . This pattern has repeated and evolved u…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 06:51 PM
9

You are absolutely right. Since separation, I have made it a point to give her no air time when I'm with my kids. I just worry about her crushing their self esteem with all the put downs, but I know they are resilient girls, and it least 50% of their time will be healthy role modeling that I can provide! Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 02:55 PM
9

I can ignore the defamation with other people. But she does it to me with our kids. I know it happens because it happened our entire marriage, but now that we are separated I'm not around to hear or record it. Even so, there wouldn't be much legal recourse. Best I can do is teach my kids (they are in their teens) why this behavior is wrong without specifically naming names.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 02:21 PM
8

I'm playing the long game with my daughter. My stbxw is verbally abusive and controlling. My 14 yo "knows" but can't do anything. She says things all the time about being 18 and being out on her own. 4 more years, and my stbxw will likely have little or no relationship to show for the years of verbal abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 01:53 PM
5

Take yourself on a long vacation anywhere. Far far away from her, and then come back ready to start your new life.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 04:05 AM
1

Amen, brother! Update us soon when it's all over!
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 04:03 AM
1

By the way, full non contact, and she still finds a way to threaten my or accuse me of something about 1x or 2x a week. The full NC is from my end. Not hers. "You are threatening me with your silence! It's scaring me!". I kid you not.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 02:06 AM
2

Dammit! You mean this won't be over next week? My stbxw is getting served sometimes next week. She doesn't know. I mean, we're separated going on 4 months in the same house, full NC, so she shouldn't be surprised. It's going to be a shit show for sure. I'm going through the financial disclosures right now, what a fucking nightmare!!! Property, investments, savings, my God!! I'm sure she'll claim every kind abuse and her lawyer will tell her she gets to have everything!
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 01:58 AM
3

Lol!! Bullshit. If she makes way more than you do then 1) she does not want to part with it, and 2. There's this little issue of mandatory spousal support (depending on your jurisdiction). I'm in CA, so I'm already getting completely hosed... I make 4x what she does, and I'm going to owe her about $5k each month in support... forever. Think about it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:13 PM
3

I should add... Mine attempted to bait me into collaborative mediation. DO NOT DO THIS. You will end up needing to hire an attorney anyway and you will waste valuable time and money.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:12 PM
3

Hey brother, i'm literally you. My stbxw is a lawyer (family law, ironically) although hasn't practiced in a few years. Well, she practices on me. Highly argumentative with everyone, provoked easily over the slightest of perceived infractions, paranoid like fuck, toxic, verbally and emotionally abusive, and I'm not exaggerating in the least. You can, if you like, go read all my posts all over the place to get an idea. (She accused me of molesting our daughter... so, no bottom my friend). We have…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:11 PM
2

I'm going to use this. My stbxw has no concept of boundaries. Continues to proclaim she feels unsafe, and that I'm Gaslighting her. I literally have not spoken to her in about 2 months. I have only allowed email contact for coordinating kids activities, and I made it abundantly clear that it shall only be used for said logistics. Of course she immediately violated that and started in on her usual rant... I hear noise coming from your direction... I'm practicing. ;) I'm going to eventually get he…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 08:38 PM
3

instagram: brandontalksmarriage. I don't have the link; it's in text message and not easy to get here. I'm sure a quick search will find his complete repo of bullshit
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 04:52 PM
2

I found it so much easier to literally just stop responding/talking to her at all. This is purely survival mechanism at this point, as every interaction was hostile, aggressive, and escalated very quickly. So, I just completely shut down; it's like she doesn't even exist. only very minimal logistics around the kids, which are only and strictly communicated via email. all other forms of communication have been blocked, including her parents, sister, etc. I'm absolutely done. and everytime I just …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 03:57 PM
4

Yeah, she has fully consumed the DEI, feminist Kool aid. I'm a colonist, benefiting from white privilege, who has enslaved her and I guess her family. I'm even a very liberal, reasonable person and I get the whole "help others who have not been given the same opportunities". Fully there. But in my home, I did not enslave you, you use my "white privilege" on you (whatever that even means, also she is from the Mediterranean, so Caucasian). She definitely consumes all the hysteria and sees the worl…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 03:11 PM
2

Do not do this. The law is complex. You need someone who knows the law and in-between the laws.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 01:04 PM
8

Appreciate where you are coming from brother, but unfortunately you cannot correct 20 years of systematic verbal and emotional abuse with some.35 second video. She gets to accuse me of spousal rape and molesting my own children, and I get to watch a tiktok video to make it all better. Some things cannot be undone. Not exaggerating. Anyone who got uncomfortable reading that, head over to the borderline personality disorder subreddits, there are folks who have it a lot worse than me.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 09:25 AM
2

"I am sorry that your wonderful wife died and was replaced by this gawd aweful horrible fucking cunt." - lol! I had been wondering what happened.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 06:17 AM
3

100% brother. this forum fucking saved my ass!
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 06:16 AM
2

by the way, I'm following your advice to the letter... documenting the shit out of everything, and recording all of it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 06:15 AM
1

be prepared: courts hand out TRO's (temp restraining orders) like candy, and often in response to the man filing for divorce - wife almost always claims fabricate some form of "abuse", and may even go to great lengths to stage the scene! My attorney informed me that in about 70 to 80% of their firm's cases, this is exactly what happened. I was like, I ain't moving out! she said: just be prepared. you didn't do anything wrong if it happens; courts are avoiding the potential of a bad outcome.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 06:14 AM
4

I'm sorry you are going through this. you'll find much support here. There are lots of us going through the process right now, or have recently gone through it, or are veterans. A couple of things to consider; your daughter is very young (so I know this hurts a lot, I have 2 young-ish kids 10/13), but prepared to not get 50/50. It depends on your specific jurisdiction and what you can negotiate (get a lawyer), but courts like to keep very young children with the mother (provided there is not abj…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 05:49 AM
2

agree you should never degrade or disparage the other parent. when I'm with my girls, I make it a point to never discuss my stbxw. However, if the other parent has a real personality disorder (e.g. BPD) , it is important to reinforce for that child that being frequently called a "selfish lying slut, whoring worthless bitch, and useless cunt..." at 10 years old... is not the child's fault. ask me how I know.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 05:24 AM
1

without an attorney, you will find it nearly impossible to discover anything hidden. Attorney's have the power to compell discovery by issuing subpeonas; you do not. I'm not sure why you would resist hiring an attorney; if it's money, there are pro bono optoins available. If you read enough posts in this sub, you'll see a common theme, in nearly every case the very first thing you need to do is get an attorney, and the next thing you need to do is get an attorney. I would strongly encourage you …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 05:10 AM
1

holy shit. that's serious. glad you made it through. attorney said, these days police/courts are very well aware of these types of false accusations, and have very little patience. they know when it's real, and when it's just crazy train.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 09:48 PM
1

yes! this. actually, mine didn't physically cheat as far as i can tell, but she has secured her emotional connections with several older men. they have vibrant conversations, i'm sure.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 09:34 PM
2

after reading hundreds of stories here, I thought I might have been the only one with such accusations leveled against me. thank you. obviously, and goes without saying, neither is remotely true, and neither are 99% of all the other accusations. about 1% are true; I own that.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 09:31 PM
7

best advice I ever received from my attorney: you can go the route of mediation, it's cheaper, but odds are you will eventually need an attorney anyway. skip the fantasy that any of this is amicably or "collaborative". it's a business transaction, and you don't know the law, and even within the law, lawyers know what the common exceptions are and what the judges tolerate - you do not, and a mediator does not. pay the money.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 04:05 PM
1

yeah, it's hard, I know. But as everyone here says, you really can't think or see clearly until you are completely out of her orbit. She's like a black hole, and if you suspect she has a Cluster B disored, then that analogy is quite apt. Take some time, don't rush into a decision. get the help you need and try to focus on what you want your life to be like - knowing full well that she will not change. she won't. you know she won't, and you shouldn't wait around hoping and deluding yourself other…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 06:00 AM
3

You know what's funny? I called my parents today to let them know what was happening. They said to me: what took you so long? We laughed. It was the first spark of happiness I have felt in years. I won't go back no matter what. When I need motivation, I come here or I re read the several thousand (not kidding) text messages from her that absolutely slaughter and degrade me. Then I think: nope, right move. Keep going.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 05:17 AM
6

Agree. Go to counseling for you, but only you. You are wasting your time on "marriage counseling". She will manipulate the therapist, and you will be faulted ultimately. Ask me how I know...
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 02:10 AM
2

My wife verbally abuses our 13 year old daughter. There's nothing I can do because she has "pictures" from our scuffle 10 years ago and threatens to go to the police. They will take her side because she has a law degree and CA is fucked up. I kid you not. OP take this seriously. Your life is in danger, and probably your kid too Trust us.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 02:05 AM
1

Get a lawyer. In CA, the answer is pretty much no. They need to enter a legally binding relationship (i.e. marriage). Some states are not as strict about cohabitation clauses, so it depends on your jurisdiction. Lawyer. Your situation is terrible and I am sorry. You live in the same house while she dates other men? Can you... Leave? I cannot even fathom the emotional trauma this inflicts upon YOU!
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 01:56 AM
1

Do you have a separate bedroom? Things are going to get uncomfortable real quick, I promise, and the couch will fuck up your back. (Been there) . Try to make yourself scarce (to avoid unnecessary conflicts), use it as time to work on yourself (gym, meditation, whatever you need). Hopefully you are not like us where we both work from home!! FML. We have locks on both of our bedroom doors... Otherwise, smile, while making your exit plan separately.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 01:52 AM
1

I am much like you. I'm initiating divorce after 20 years of my stbxw verbally and emotionally abusing me. Tl,Dr: raging fights every week or so, everything is entirely my fault, she's a saint. The most innocuous of slips is a mortal sin, you get the idea. I've made mistakes, too, it's not all her. We have 2 kids. and I've basically been pummeled into submission whilst being told I'm not a real "man". She spares no dignity and abuses me regularly in front of the kids, her temper does not care wh…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 01:46 AM
1

Yeah it's been exactly like that for years and years. I'm looking forward to having peace.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 12:11 AM
2

As a statistician, I love it!
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 11:07 PM
8

So, like we're married to the same person? How? My man, get a lawyer now and file for divorce now. There is no fixing this. Believe me... I'm going through it as we speak. My stbxw accused me of rape and molesting our daughter. Are you ready for that? Protect yourself now, and make your exit plans. Get everything in order. Do not ever regret this decision. Omg, you stayed out drinking until 5am. Call the police!!! Dude, your are a survivor of abuse. Head over the reddit subs on Borderline Person…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 10:44 PM
5

I have 2 children, yes. And I am preparing for the worst - I believe she is undiagnosed Borderline , and so there are random rages and lots.if unpredictable, egregious accusations that are tossed around. The only thing I can say I learned from the stbxw is "never let them see you coming"; I will be applying that advice now, thank you. It's going to be shit. We live in SoCal, and my kids are going into high school and middle school. But for their sake, the abuse has to end. So I'm ending it, fina…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 09:14 PM
4

"she's just not that into you"
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 08:53 PM
1

I have an update. I see it has been 7 days. On Friday I retained an attorney and submitted the petition for divorce. It was difficult to say the least. I and my therapist have been working through the childhood issues, and I have been educating myself on Borderline Personality Disorder. I fully expect the manipulation to ramp up to full scale. We are still no contact, but living / working in the same house. My attorney said be prepared for a temporary restraining order (very common) when she fin…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 08:51 PM
8

I can't prove that my stbx is seeing anyone during our separation, but you better believe she has been working to line them up for the better part of 2 or 3 years. It's a common threat that surfaces during arguments "I've got at least a dozen men that would want to f*** me any day of the week, and it will be so much better than you!" (That's literally a direct quote I pulled from one of her text messages. She also likes to scream it at me). This would be my wife, of 20 years. So yeah. Also, go, …
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 06:08 PM
12

I'm very sorry for you man, you sound like a gentleman. She's monkey branching. You made a valiant effort, but probably time to face the music.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 05:53 PM
1

Get a lawyer. Negotiate the house through a lawyer. I do not recommend going this alone. You about to get shit on... Legally you are entitled to 50% of the value of that property. Nothing can be done about that. Cheating not cheating, law doesn't care.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 05:29 PM
1

What if they never sell? How do you plan to recoup what is owed to you?
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 05:15 PM
3

Even without the cheating. Verbal/emotional abuse is enough. Cut the cord completely and move on. There was no cheating (that I know of) in 20 years, but the abuse... I'm traumatized to the point where I'm still hesitating on signing the papers, scared of what her rage/manipulation will be. Lesson here: don't ever let someone do this to you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 03:49 PM
3

This sucks, man. I'm also filing for divorce after 20 years with 2 kids, and one is just about to start high school. The house is going to be a big problem here in SoCal. Curious, why didn't you agree to sell the house and split equity. I'm going to try and buy her out, as I make the larger of the incomes, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 01:58 PM
2

Wait, so you are going to separate, but continue to pretty much act married? Just living in different homes? This already mind fucked me, and I can't imagine what it will do to you. This is a very bad idea, she's getting everything she wants (freedom) while she still has her claws into you. This is a recipe for disaster. Divorce. Leave. Go your separate ways. Anything else is emotional suicide. And, legally, she cannot deny you your kids. What is she, doing you a favor?
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 01:19 PM
5

We haven't spoken in 4 months, but figured out a non verbal arrangement to take care of the kids. We are living in the same house. All of this is beyond fun. Hired the attorney on Friday, just starting paperwork hell. Didn't even bother to tell her, she'll find out when she gets served. We couldn't even be in the same room for longer than 2 seconds without a fight breaking out. So that's where we are. 20 years man. Gone just like that.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 02:10 AM
3

Best read up on borderline personality disorder before you agree to anything.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 09:48 PM
2

I feel bad for him.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 06:51 PM
5

I would check.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 06:45 PM
3

If you have a clear mind about divorce (this shouldn't be a question), then I would inform the other spouse purely due to an ethical obligation to allow people to make informed decisions about their life. I would want someone to tell me... I don't want to look like a fool.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 06:43 PM
7

No, she doesn't want to lose your stability, but wants her freedom to "live her life" whenever she wants. "I'll blow up my marriage, but please don't go anywhere!". She made this choice consciously and thought she could slide under the radar, extreme selfishness to have the best of everything for her, not so much for you or your daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 06:41 PM
3

These are self destructive choices she made, and have nothing to do with your choices. Remember that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 06:37 PM
5

It's like cockroaches, when you find one...
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 06:35 PM
2

You are about to get raped. (Financially)
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 04:32 PM
2

I will take this advice very seriously. Meaning, right now.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 04:01 AM
2

Even better, I recorded the whole thing! In CA it's allowed if it pertains to abuse / DV ( I think this counts)
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 04:00 AM
3

I love how well spoken this is.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 01:30 AM
3

Agree 100%. I can't wait to be single for the rest of my life. I'm completely done with all this relationship nonsense.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 12:18 AM
18

My situation is an exact parallel to yours. I finally hired the attorney on Friday. We're 20 years married with 2 kids. We're also living separately in the same house, and not communicating. Going on 4 months. Actually reading this sub helped me to realize that I have been struggling with what is likely a personality disorder (hers) since the beginning of our marriage. That helped a lot. The similarities are just too close to be chance. I think she went on a date last night. :(. But I'm not sure…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 12:15 AM
7

This ^ . Of course, she pre empted it by saying I caused the person she is now.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 12:08 AM
2

Maybe wait until you're both calm. /s
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 01:50 PM
2

Agree. She owns her mental well being, not you. You own you, and you are responsible for your choices. Does she also get to tell you how to feel, what you can and cannot say, and when? Good for you. Sounds like you found the courage to do the right thing!
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 03:01 AM
7

We support you! We're all going through it. My stbxw for sure has BPD, and I just started the divorce. I'll be financially ruined, but I don't care. It's that or the insane asylum for me. Yes. It's that bad.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 12:37 AM
1

Thank you for your support. Yes I am/was all of those emotions. Alas, I have an update. I found the courage to do the right thing, hired an attorney to initiate the process. Having finally made this decision, I feel so much relief, and no longer worry about what I might have done or destroyed... For it was already long dead. Therapy has helped, medication has helped, and I know the most difficult part of the journey still lies ahead. But I am resolved, and no matter what the outcome, I am alive.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 05:18 AM
2

Even though CA is a 2 party consent state for recording, that is waived under circumstances where there is suspected abuse or manipulation of children (abuse). I'll confirm with the attorney, but I'm well within my rights here.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 04:26 AM
1

She is not beyond fabricating. During multiple previous arguments, I have been accused of really horrendous things against my children. None of it is remotely true, but now I know the length she is willing to go.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 04:25 AM
1

Already retained an attorney on Friday. I had them lined up just in case. I have a recording of her entire conversation, and my attorney is aware of the coaching that occurred. Not fucking around anymore. I agree, she exhibits all the classical symptoms of someone suffering from BPD. She will go on the attack fearing psychological abandonment. Can't wait.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 04:22 AM
1

This is CA.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 01:49 AM
1

I'm planning to buy her out of the house, she gets half the investments too, in exchange for no alimony. I'll happily pay child support. Alimony is expected to be around $5k per month forever. 20 years married. Same logic, post divorce cash flow more important now.. I can always make more money.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 01:44 AM
1

I'm curious how these kind of arrangements work out. She's getting a huge asset that will appreciate in value. So are you still are on the hook for spousal support?
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 09:28 PM
3

In socal, you can paint your house with dog shit and it will still be a bidding war. Crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 09:26 PM
2

Against the advice of my attorney, I'm going to try and buy her out. Reason: maintain great school district for my kids. I could give a shit about four wooden walls. But relocating now in San Diego is suicide.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 08:44 PM
1

Oh shit.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 08:41 PM
4

I'm wondering the same damn thing. I still perform all the regular chores I used to (dishes, even hers, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, grocery shopping, yard work, etc... wow that's quite a bit, I wonder what she does)
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 08:25 PM
3

Mine earns 1/3 of my income, despite having a ph.d (law) and being able to earn 2x my income, easily. I'll still end up paying her a shit ton in spousal support, and she is the one who is verbally and emotionally abusive. Her: watch me piss all over you and take all your money. System rewards the abuser. What is her incentive to be any different? She gets the payout at the end regardless of her behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 08:17 PM
1

I see this reference a lot, but I don't understand: what is "silver bullet"?
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 08:10 PM
4

His intentions are good, just tell him you understand that he is being helpful but take issue with his choice of words. Furthermore, I'll add an opinion. He's not wrong, and you are deluding yourself, being manipulated, or both. Clean break. Move on, and stop reminiscing on what was. It's over, and if you don't move on, you'll find your friends/family likely have little patience for amateur hour. If you need to process conflicting and confusing emotions, you should seek therapy,; friends don't s…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 08:07 PM
2

Yeah, I'll add this lovely anecdote. My stbxw runs her own "consulting" business, but doesn't know shit about finances. I pay off her credit card every month... Completely ~$3k. She has an amazing credit score. But yet she contributes nothing to the joint account. Sweet deal, man. She's like: "I pay for all the household and kids expenses on my credit card!"... So you mean I pay for them? Finances are the worst to discuss with her, extreme fight every time, which always ends with I'm financially…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 07:44 PM
3

Shit. Well sucks to be me
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 06:09 PM
1

Lol!! Yes! But, $60k is the price to continue seeing my children. When they are 18, (4 years). I'm heading to Albania. Always wanted to go anyway! Actually she has to pay taxes on it, but I don't get to write it off. But who's counting. ;)
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 05:23 PM
3

At least in CA, the answer is no. That is just equity division, and the state has a templates calc for determining spousal and child support. That doesn't prevent you from negotiating the terms of the separation (read: lawyer, yesterday!). But the state will likely mandate spousal support, despite the assets you are dividing. Going through this now. Spousal support of about $5k... Forever. FML. Your lawyer can work with you to help bring down the cost, by looking at various financial mitigating …
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 04:17 PM
5

I agree and disagree. The term is definitely over used in a non clinical setting, but many people can exhibit traits of these Cluster B personality disorders without a formal clinical diagnosis. Cluster B is from the DSM IV which includes NPD, BPD, High conflict HCP, Anti Social Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality disorder. The prevailing advice is to not get overly focused on a clinical diagnosis, but to carefully examine the traits and patterns to observe their impact on your own …
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 04:11 PM
2

I'm going to be like you. As soon as my kids turn 18 (about 4 to 6 years from now), I'm packing up to go see the world and work remotely. .I could retire, but I like working, and I can do it remotely. I don't know that my divorce will be amicable, I hope for a good outcome, despite years of heated battles. But oh well, grit my teeth and push through hell.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 02:58 PM
3

I'm so sorry, man. I don't have advice for you, but just keep going. Sounds like your kids are smart, so you just need to carry on. She will eventually dig her own grave.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 02:03 PM
2

Russia actually sounds nice. My house is more like hell!
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 05:17 AM
4

Agreed. In my mind, their job is to navigate the hell hole.of the law and mitigate the collateral (money) damage to me. Singular objective. Do. Not. Give a. Fuck. What. Happens. To her.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 02:57 AM
2

100% the truth
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 02:41 AM
7

That's the spirit! Fucking life,.it's short man. I'm 45... Like I want my remaining years to be torture?! Why would I go through that constantly worrying if someone else is happy? I'm out. I'm going to go make the best of the next (hopefully), 30 to 40 years. I know I can live a meager, humble life and still be satisfied. I'm very content with that. I don't need stuff. I just need freedom.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 01:12 AM
2

That sounds like a hard pass.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 01:08 AM
1

I feel somehow better at 20 year in!
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 12:34 AM
2

it's the worst business decision I ever made, except for the kids that resulted. That aside, this person I "chose" to spend my life with absolutely is robbing me blind, and laughing all the way to the bank and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Even the attorneys are like - but at least you are free. hehehe.. he. yeah, and poor. but as I said above, it's just money... and we're not taking it with us when we go (and who knows when that it will be), so live your best life for you and you …
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 12:33 AM
2

yeah, that's me too. between the house, retirement, and investments... (and I'm trying to keep the house), she's likely to walk away with $1M+, and still get fucking Alimony... love you California!
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 12:31 AM
1

it's not always forever . my layer advised me that that there are many ways to reduce it, or eliminate it after a number of years. plus, highly co-dependent women (I'm speaking about only my stbxw, not generalizing) will seek out a stable man/partner soon enough, and that will be that. Once they are financially secure with someone else, you're done. it will hurt now, and for a few years, but it's just money...
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 12:28 AM
2

you get eggshells? I get that black volcanic rock that slices your feet open. FML
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 12:26 AM
3

their narcissistic, abusive ex-husband. FTFY
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 12:24 AM
4

I'm expecting my life to be 1000x better, then I'll settle for 100. it's great when your 20 year marriage ends, and you look around and you have 0 friends, 0 hobbies, only work, and pile of money (to give to her) . But freedom and mental health are priceless !
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 12:23 AM
4

It's hard for me to even regard her as someone I even once had feelings for. Google keeps fucking sending me these pictures from like 8 years ago, and I'm like, don't even know who that is...
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 11:47 PM
9

If she's so scared, let her get a restraining order. My stbxw accuses me of the most horrendous things. I'm like, whatever, go ahead and call the police if you are so scared. She never has, and never does because it's all posturing for control.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 11:01 PM
3

Mine has multiple branches, like. Whole fucking tree to choose from.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 10:58 PM
4

She told our kids today that I'm a narcissist. My kids are 10 and 13. They can't even say the word...
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 10:55 PM
3

"most of my friends are older men. I just get along better with men. Women are all jealous of me" ( in variations)
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 10:54 PM
1

Abuse is a two way street sometimes. Verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse, and women often use this as opposed to the physical form.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 10:51 PM
11

Says she wants 50/50 custody, tells children their father is a piece of shit abuser.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 10:49 PM
3

She has family 5 miles up the road. I don't. She is more than welcome to go stay with them. I'm probably delusional.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 09:26 PM
2

CA does require 2 party consent, as I understand. I'm also not intending to go full prosecution. I just need evidence for my own lawyer so that someone fucking believes me. She can be very persuasive. Edit: fixed the consent thing. CA is two party consent.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 09:24 PM
7

Typically exhibited by people with traits of Borderline or Narcissistic personality disorder
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 09:07 PM
8

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 09:06 PM
4

Omg, my stbxw (42f) runs and tells her mother everything. Like everything. They know every last intimate detail of our life, every argument, how often we fucked, what our shit smelled like. It's fucking exhausting. I even like her parents (a lot more than her), but can't stand that her mother is her best friend and confidant. It's embarrassing. All of our arguments were public knowledge, and it's like you can't even show your face.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 05:16 PM
5

Maybe I can help. My story is like yours, but my kids are older (10/13), and we've been married 20 years. The shit you describe I have dealt with for my entire marriage, and like you, was oriented at keeping the peace, making her happy (at my expense) and avoiding conflict... Which always seemed to backfire into the worst nightmares of conflicts. Your wife sounds similar to mine: an emotional child, who will never stop until she gets her way. It's the worst temper tantrums I've ever seen. Scream…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 03:51 PM
1

Very good point.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 12:23 AM
8

Dude, read every other story on this sub of guys a lot like you ( and me) where their wife swore up and down she wasn't cheating, only to find out it had been going on for like 6 months. You just laid out all the behaviors of someone who is clearly cheating and trying very hard not to get caught. Wouldn't want to lose the cake while getting ready for the next move now would we? Just tell her you have already found out / know everything, and then wait to see her response. 100% she will first blam…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 10:29 PM
2

Very wise words. I'm going through separation right now after 20 years. I'm at the stage where lifelong hermit or celibate monk is looking pretty awesome for the remainder of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 05:13 PM
1

Are you divorced and done? Or still attached somehow. It would probably be good to sever all ties permanently. My stbxw does exactly the same thing. Every word is recorded, twisted, and used against me... We still live separately in the same house, but I don't speak to her at all anymore while the process plays out. Nothing good will ever come from this relationship ever again, and I'm actually in danger every time I open my mouth, so I stopped.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 05:28 PM
1

Holy shit. I'm so sorry. Yeah, time to go. Narcissists feed off the drama, but don't actually really "feel" anything, and could care less about what they are doing to you emotionally. It's worth reading up on "narcissist supply". Once their supply is cut off, they seek to enact revenge, rather than have to face the empty shell of what they actually are. I see so many people suffering here, myself included, and we're all just trapped in these emotional nightmares. Very difficult to escape.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 04:57 PM
2

Cheers! I'm with you.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 02:52 PM
1

Thanks for this reassurance. I know my oldest (14) daughter is really only tolerating her mother now because she sees the end in a few years. She's smart and plays along, but I worry for her regardless. Now that we're (stbxw) living in separate rooms and not communicating, there has been a lot more peace for the children. It hurts a lot that they had to live through this, but one day I hope they will understand why it has to come to this and I hope they will be strong enough to quickly exit any …
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 02:06 PM
2

You can find a lot of info on the behavioral statistics. Children are different than adults. People who want to kill themselves usually think it's a way to not inconvenience other people, so they don't announce their intent... That would be inconvenient. This is manipulation designed to establish you as the emotional regulator of her behavior. People with BPD are filling their emotional void using other people (you). This behavior will be followed at some point by excessive rage, and other tacti…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 01:59 PM
4

Your ex is actually a narcissist, and not just that word we like to throw around. You deserve a gold star for making it through, and you survived. Get therapy for your emotional trauma, and work through the stages of grief. Do not jump into another relationship until you have resolved your emotional issues. I'm dealing with a lot of the same. We are going through the process now after 20 years of extreme manipulation and emotional abuse. I was like, I can take it. Haha. Ha. Cry. I don't trust an…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 01:49 PM
3

Might be good to read up on borderline personality disorder. Two things you mentioned: early childhood emotional trauma and this suicide thing. Usually people who intend to kill themselves don't really announce like that. They just do it. So don't be afraid yet, but this is obviously emotional manipulation, and I bet if you looked at the checklist for BPD, you'd find even more. I ignored the obvious symptoms.for 20 years, and guess what kind of shit storm mess I'm in now?
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 01:39 PM
2

Agreed. Rationale arguments stopped working years ago. I gave up. But for the kids I kept trying. Just levels of stupid all around. We move on.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 05:26 AM
3

My protests and appeal to reason are met with: "anger is a normal human emotion, and children need to learn that anger is ok. Grow a pair and be a man!". I mean, I don't disagree that anger is normal, but the expression of anger, it's frequency and intensity (cruelty in my case) is what matters. You can be angry, but you don't need to destroy the other person. And children need to see adults that can express their anger in healthy ways. But I pontificate. It is very frustrating.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 05:19 AM
3

Is that why she screams at me and disparages me in front of my children?. (Asked rhetorically). If I knew that screaming obscenities would net me 50% of everything, I would have started a while back, and with more zeal! Sarcasm, but so not to cry.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 04:29 AM
4

Yeah, let that be a lesson to you. /s
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 04:26 AM
2

Just curious, and you are not the idiot, how did you end up finding out exactly who the number belonged to? Asking for a "friend" who has a shared cell plan...
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 04:22 AM
10

Also, my new favorite term, learned it here, "monkey branching". She's only going to fully let go of you when that next branch is completely secure... You are the first branch, in case that wasn't obvious.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 04:19 AM
5

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. You are being deceived big time. She sounds savvy enough to cover her tracks. I know, I live with one.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 04:16 AM
3

In my effort to be the antithesis of everything she claimed to loathe, I became a pushover, easy, and boring. It is true, she took on lots of decision making, because frankly I got tired of the arguments, the stubbornness, and my way or the high way attitude. So, I'm sure that what you just described is accurate. I don't like confrontation - there shouldn't need to be a full on prosecution over whether I bought enough tomoatoes, she seems to thrive on it. FML.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 02:40 AM
11

God I'm so dumb. Wtf.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 06:01 PM
17

I just wrote a similar post about this. I'm with you. Although my stbxw hasn't sealed the deal. She's always on Instagram, or talking with other "colleagues", while shitting in the nest. I suspect she's already planned her next move, and has already emotionally checked out, hence the continuous rage, weirdly flawed accusations, and other shit that has become my every day. She claims, they are just friends, like brothers to her. I call BS.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 04:58 PM
1

Ironically, (or not) she has said pretty much those exact words to me... many many times. "I'm a prize, and any man would be lucky to have me" (in variations). Anyone who thinks that highly of themselves, and so little of me, is positioning themselves to be classified as a narcissist - in the clinical sense, not the coloquial.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 03:16 PM
1

reinforces the concept of bullying, both in the workplace and in the home. awesome. although, there is obviously more than just mild posturing for domination. if my employer ever did this to me, I would walk that second. I suppose the same philosophy should apply.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 03:12 PM
2

Thank you for this. I would not say I'm in a good place mentally, I've struggled as my posts reveal, but each day I feel a little more secure that I'm making the right choice for my own sake, and although the financial penalty will be devistating... you're not taking it with you when we go. As I told my brother last night, I might be calling him from a van... down by the river ;) in a few months, but least I'll be alive.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 03:06 PM
1

Thanks for being candid. She says this to me all the time. Our history has been difficult to say the least. (Thankfully we had 2 kids, which obviously fixed everything. ) Mostly frequent, bad arguments. I won't lie, there's been some pushing on both sides in the past, but now it's mostly just the lacerations of paranoid, false accusations and the like. I believe she suffers from PTSD from the death of brother (suicide), she never sought treatment of any kind, and really since that time things ha…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 01:25 PM
3

This is very well said. Yeah, this is going to sound worse than it is, but she recently went on a business trip to Chicago and hung out for a day with one of her close guy friend/associate, who is a little older and single (I think, but clearly doesn't matter). He took her around the city and they had lots of "fun". She showed me the pictures when she got back: oh we went here and we went there, and this place and ate there... And the part I did not say out loud was: it looks like you two are da…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 12:57 PM
1

Out of curiosity, did you / have you ever been treated for borderline personality disorder? I ask only because I think I'm dealing with that in my situation. Not trying to make excuses, but looking for reasons. Regardless, it's time to go.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 12:45 PM
1

Agree.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 10:31 AM
6

Thank you for the alternative perspective. And, I can see how this would make sense. Unfortunately, the context missing here is that she's already verbally and emotionally abusive (really, not exaggerating), and it is the primary reason we are separated after 20 years. I've tried many times to set a boundary that these and other comments are hurtful and inappropriate, which is met with fierce contempt. These comments are typically made to either provoke an argument or made during an argument. Mo…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 10:28 AM
3

good luck to them.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 03:24 AM
3

it happened to me when I first met her, now that I think about it. She was in a pretty challenging relationship with someone who had Bipolar, and then I showed up - stupid me. I think that's exactly what happened. 20 years later she's likely doing it again, but to me... the consequences are more severe this time (also for me).
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 03:12 AM
3

"monkey branching". makes perfect sense.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 02:52 AM
4

That's my new favorite term!
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 01:45 AM
2

If you are planning to file for divorce, depending on your jurisdiction, those funds will likely be considered communal (marital) property, subject to equal division. If lawyers get involved, there will be disclosure and she will find out and you might be accused of hiding funds. Not a good look. If instead you cash it out now and use all of it to buy really expensive Scotch, I'm not sure there's much anyone can do at that point. But I'm not a lawyer, so I'm not entirely sure. I've read a lot of…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 01:43 AM
4

Go to your state Bar association and file a complaint and ask for an attorney who can represent on matters of professional conduct. It's the Bar's job to hold lawyers to standards and regulations of ethical conduct.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 06:42 PM
5

And avoid the unethical route altogether. The courts will find out and you will have done yourself no favors, but given her the full advantage. It will cost you more money to extricate yourself later, having to keep paying lawyers to try to get you out of shit you should never have done in the first place. Agree, its 50/50. Just let it go and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 06:17 PM
1

Great suggestions. Thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 02:22 PM
2

yeah, she's self employeed and makes a quarter of what I do. lawyers said that they can work to get down the alimony to be something not absolutely crippling, and that it never is really "forever", despite what the statute says. I found an attorney that I like, and she even suggested to attempt mediation first and gave a list of mediators she trusts, and to use her as a "consultant" if needed. to go straight to attorney is extremely expensive, and I think we both want to do things amicably. lol!…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 05:15 AM
6

I'm also at an extremely low point; I actually just posted about this. It's extremely difficult, and I'm grateful for this community. So much willingness to help and support. There are days I feel "ok", and a lot of days where I'm literally at rock bottom, where getting out of bed takes every amount of effort I can muster. eating too. it's made all that much worse when I see that "she" seems to be handling it just fine; laughing and carrying on like it's all butterflies and cake. like what the a…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 04:34 AM
3

my wife does this. she "coaches" our kids (10 and 13) on all the ways I'm a miserable POS father, she has informed that them we're separated and that its for the best. She then proceeds to describe the various forms of "abuse" inflicted upon her, and does her best to plant memories of things that have never happened. Jesus when I see it written... like what the actual fuck! Once, I was in the room with my daughter discussing her school work, my stbxw barged in and demanded to know "what is going…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 04:28 AM
2

this made me laugh !
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 04:16 AM
4

I agree. it's been really dark for a very long time. I've done everything to ignore it, press on, and avoid having to deal with the core issues - there's a name for it called demand/withdrawl, which forms a viscious cycle much like the one we're in right now . I'm fortunate for the good folks in this forum and the community it provides.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 04:10 AM
3

I never cheated, and have, over the years done everything I know to find a path forward. The only recent mistake I made was, after a particularly nasty fight, I drove myself to a gentleman's club for drinks and a show. I didn't stay long: it was sad. In retrospect, I don't even know why I went. I had never done anything like that in my entire life (and I won't ever again either). I think it was purely revenge as I knew she would disapprove and be hurt. I didn't even attempt to hide it or lie abo…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 03:58 AM
5

Thank you. I needed this. And thanks for writing it all out.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 03:36 AM
11

Planning vacations was the worst. Fights and hours on computers arguing about the choice of wallpaper in the laundry room of the Airbnb. It was miserable planning, it was miserable going, it was miserable just thinking there was going to be another one. And, I never really had a say. I was just there to ultimately agree with whatever she said. If I disagreed, oh shit... Hell.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 08:38 PM
3

I agree with a lot of this. It is important for OP to realize that divorce is extremely expensive. I hope you don't live in CA. We tried the adventure thing, and we went crazy spending entire summers abroad in cool places like France, Spain and Portugal. Lots of adventure. But... It wasn't enough to overcome the deep behavioral differences. Lots of arguments ensued, lots of sabotage. Nearly every awesome adventure has been ruined through mutual stubbornness. But OP should not give up, if you thi…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 09:15 PM
4

Probably time to go. People grow and develop with time. I won't say change because I think fundamentally people don't change. My very likely stbxw and I are complete opposites in personality, and even our philosophy, and for years we just buried these fundamental differences deep down inside and never talked about it. So far so good? Then we had kids, 2 of them even, and it became very clear that we were polar opposites in nearly everything. Not only this, but we come from very different culture…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 09:06 PM
1

Will be attempting mediation and an "amicable" approach. Kids have already gone through enough. I have some recordings, but since I'm not fighting for full custody, just 50/50, there isn't yet need for a trial. While we don't get along, and have miserable fights, we both loathe the US court system. Also, I'm not sure this matters, but she proposed dividing child duties 50/50 in her own words (text msg) at the start of our split about 2 months ago. So, there's an established precedent to maintain…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 07:17 PM
1

Single most important factor: near constant arguments filled with lots of regular verbal abuse, and her inability to accept fault for anything. 20 years married, 2 kids.light example: " you are a shit dad, a liar, and total loser with no friends. and if not for me you would be nothing. ". Daily variations, more explicatives, etc. I'm 45M. Delusional thinking that life was going to better at this time.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 03:36 PM
2

If you don't have an airtight prenup and you live in a community property state like CA, kiss it goodbye. Courts love to maintain status quo, which is usually an equitable division of the marital assets. I would listen to the lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 04:32 AM
3

Write down all the reasons you separated in the first place. You will soon realize you are being manipulated by an insecure person. There is lots of good advice on this sub, the best advice I have seen concerns the fact that people do not change, they just make short term adjustments to deceive or distract from the negative feelings of the past. True change is not a hug or an update, or masquerading as if nothing ever happened. It requires work, effort, humility, and therapy... And years. If it'…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 04:21 PM
5

I see I made that assumption without knowing all the facts.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 01:15 AM
2

I advise my children regularly to stay the fuck away from marriage. It's a brutal lie, and a totally financial shit show. The fact that we still promote this as the sanctimonious way of having a functional family is itself... Abuse. If they want to get married, wait until they are financially independent and secure, prenup the hell out of everything, and then just still don't do it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 01:14 AM
8

I tell them the exact opposite. Punch the fucker. I have girls.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 01:10 AM
1

Your lawyer can work to lower the alimony fee. Also, you can also petition the court in a few years to have it cancelled. Like, she's working or cohabitating. Forever is an extreme case.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 01:08 AM
2

Keep in mind that if she is not working, at least in CA, you will pay all her legal fees too. I'm in a similar income discrepancy hell. Forever payments and such....
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 01:05 AM
2

San Diego has entered the chat...
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 01:04 AM
1

Every lawyer I have spoken to said pro se is the absolute worst fucking decision you can make. If you think you are screwed now, just wait until you show up in court. Pay the money if you can. Or at least seek a pro bono attorney if you can't.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 01:02 AM
5

I agree 100%. My stbx is all posturing and deflection. The bark is worse than the bite. But the bark is constant, crazy, and is verbally abusive. She might bite as I run out the door, but I'm still running.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 12:59 AM
5

OP doubled is child support payment...smarten up gents!
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 12:56 AM
1

Never a more true word has been spoken.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 12:55 AM
12

She cannot legally do that, not even when you may have made questionable life decisions. She must show imminent harm, significant neglect and abuse to the children. The bar is very high, and the courts are aware of hystrionic bullshit. Your lawyer knows this. Fear not.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 12:51 AM
8

Listen to the wise words. You are very young. Lots of time. Think of this as an opportunity to remake your life in the way you want. God if only I had been smart....
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 12:47 AM
1

But if the cameras are unplugged and not recording, then it's he said / she said and the courts won't give a shit. I would definitely consult your attorney on this right away, especially if she is liable to dream up crazy accusations (speaking from recent experience here). I have nearly the same situation as you, but in my batshit crazy home, my wife turned on the cameras first, got mad when I turned them off, and then did a complete 180 on me and screamed at me for constantly watching what they…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 12:29 AM
7

I spent 20! FML. What you described is my exact experience. It's like there's a manual...
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 11:29 PM
1

Thank you, and agree fully. Strangers have provided the best support for me in this time. I hope I can return the favor.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 06:35 PM
1

She's 46. I'm 48 and I have the same perspective on my mortality. As I have stated in numerous other posts, I believe she is undiagnosed cluster B: borderline or Narcissistic, or at least expresses many of the traits/behaviors. I too have accepted or resigned to the fact that I am the "bad' one, and now I'm trying to do damage control for my children. Admittedly, I'm not doing well emotionally or mentally, but therapy helps, as does being here to some extent.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 06:23 PM
1

Yes I'm in CA. I've already received every possible accusation you can imagine, every kind of abuse, accusations of inappropriate relations with my own child, spousal rape, you name it, it has been thrown at me. None of these accusations are remotely true of course, and are just her way of controlling any situation where she feels out of control. She has never gone so far as to try and involve the authorities. And I've never done so to her, and that's how you know it's a tactic for manipulation …
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 06:15 PM
1

Exactly the same boat. It's going to be brutal. I'm dealing with all sorts of conflicting emotions, and trying to stay employed on top of it. I have horrendous feelings of guilt and shame, and potential regret. I could be making the worst mistake of my life or the best. But she won't do marriage counseling, and we don't have the ability to fix it ourselves ( otherwise we wouldn't be here), my trajectory was not good... If you know what I mean.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 05:57 PM
1

Get a lawyer. What state do you live in? Your situation is almost identical to mine, except my spouse works, although it's about a quarter of what I make. We have 1.5m in retirement assets and 1m equity in our home. The biggest issue by far will be what to do with that assert in soCal. We have two teenage daughters. All the same parallels regarding intolerable domestic conditions. But financially I'm about to be wrecked because of CA law. I'm seeking an attorney to help mitigate the financial bl…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 05:21 PM
2

CA - after 10 years, spousal support is "continuous". Forever.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 04:30 PM
1

20 years of trying to fix things. What am I even doing at this point? Complete waste of time.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 04:27 PM
2

I can't wait. Thank you for your guidance. This makes so much sense. Because we both work from home, she has the bad habit of stalking me and confronting me for ostensibly "urgent" matters pertaining to the children. (I.e. "look how your daughter is dressed!! Be a dad!" ...absolutely nothing wrong...). Should be pointed out that I, over the past 6 weeks since separation, have never initiated contact and intend to keep it that way.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 04:14 PM
5

I love this. This is absolutely page 1 material of the handbook we all need.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 03:58 PM
7

I want to add something if it helps anyone. I'm actually terrified of any confrontation with her for the simple reason of historically every serious conversation going completely off the rails. Would I love to discuss amicable separation terms, yes. Will I l? No. Sensitive financial topics? Never. It's terrifying to know you live in a prison made especially for you, where you are emotionally controlled and manipulated with rage and paranoia. I wish any part of this were an exaggeration. Come liv…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 03:50 PM
4

The sounds remarkably like my stbxw. Her ability to take an innocuous comment and spin it into a soul crushing argument either in person or in text has been the staple of our marriage for the last 20 years. She is paranoid, yet charming, easily finds fault with everyday actions, makes accusations of everyone (child / me), and is easily upset by trivial things. Her ability to manipulate emotions is unparalleled and we frequently find ourselves engaged in the most brutal, vicious name calling batt…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 03:40 PM
1

Lol. "amicable". Fuck that shit right there.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 01:25 AM
2

I hadn't even considered this angle. Thank you. I had a headache before, now it's a migraine. FML.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 01:07 AM
1

She is self employed as an LLC. This is likely to be a mess.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 12:57 AM
1

Appreciate these very wise words! Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 12:02 AM
1

I'm so doing that. Thank you!!! Yes, she has a law degree, but "hates" the law. Wants to instead coach DEI and save the world from people like me... I'm like, I freaking hate all my jobs for the last 25 years. So?
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 09:10 PM
3

Actually, it's not entirely clear if the calculation is based off net income or gross income. If it's gross, I'm completely fucked. If it's net, I'm less fucked but still royally screwed.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 08:44 PM
2

Yes, and that does not include child support for 2 kids. It's not just crippling, it's debilitating.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 08:40 PM
3

If you can prove that she is benefitting financially from her new arrangement, and to what amount, then at least in CA, I understand this can be used as a mitigating factor. Fun fact, I'm from Portland originally and very much regret the day I left at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 08:24 PM
6

There should be an insurance company for spousal support... Which by the looks of it, would go bankrupt the next day.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 08:21 PM
3

I'm with you. I'm already going to be wiped out. But I may have room to negotiate on the property. As in I buy her out in liu of forever payments or some kind of arrangement. In tech, our jobs are not stable, so I don't who's great idea 'continuous' was, but it is unconscionable.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 08:17 PM
8

I'm about to experience this. soCal, equitable, no fault, but no cheating. She works, but the income disparity is huge. I'm looking at probably $6k to $8k per month in spousal support. Forever. Thanks California fuckwads. She has a ph.d, could be making a shit ton more, but likes her craft consulting business... She's likely to go live with her sister afterwards, who lives up the street. I brought up the cohabitation clause to my lawyer, he said only if she re-marries. Culturally, that's not lik…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 08:09 PM
1

It wouldn't be the first time I've been set up. I have a few recordings in my defense there are cameras in the house already which record and store 30 days or whatever Google claims. My plan is to do everything through an attorney. It will be expensive for sure, but we can't have a civil conversation to save our lives. I fully expect her to ask for the moon. The lawyer already told me that she can go ahead and ask... I do not trust her at all. she plays games, manipulates, exaggerates, and is ve…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 06:26 PM
1

I should add a detail. The reason the house is central is to maintain access to the schools for my kids. We, as individuals could not afford to buy another house in this area, and renting here is basically robbery.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 05:18 PM
1

How exactly does 50/50 play out with the kids? Is it like alternating days, or alternating weeks? What's the common arrangement? It does seems like alternating days (like what we're doing now both living separately in the same house) is not really all that viable. It seems like it should be more like 1 week on 1 week off, or 2 and 2 or something a little more stable for the children. Lol... Stable. FML.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 05:11 PM
1

It wasn't necessarily that particular fight, it was merely the straw that broke the camel's back (I'm clearly the camel in this scenario). She has really poor anger management skills, and erupts into a tirade of yelling and screaming over the most simple of things. And then likes to say things like: "anger is normal", and "all i do is yell". But it's the frequency and intensity, not the fact itself. I actually created a timeline of the "big" fights over the past year, and it was shocking! (How q…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 05:01 PM
2

This made me laugh out loud a little too long. But so I don't cry...
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 04:08 AM
1

It's like that in CA, as I understand. Unfortunately I make a shit ton more than she does, which is not itself trivial. I would like one way or another to keep the house for the kids and their school district. I'm fine to buy her out now. But i don't think I can afford that plus forever payments likely north of $6k. Something has to give.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 11:56 PM
3

I'm anti gun and anti violence for my children. But OPs post is not about those details. Replace any other behaviors with those facts. It's about the level of scrutiny and control he lived under, which is itself unhealthy. There are lots activities that parents can choose or not choose to do with their kids. If we want to judge a parent seeing an R rated movie with their pre-teen, I suggest you go observe the soft porn they call PG-13 that my kids have to be protected from. Let's not over react …
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:58 PM
7

You raised your voice. Abuse!! (As she is screaming at you)
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:47 PM
9

This is true. In fact in lots of our arguments I've pointed out that all the people who think she's so amazing, if they saw how she treated her home life, might feel differently about her. "Doesn't matter. I'm exactly who I am with everyone. What you see is what you get.". This, of course, couldn't be further from the truth, but serves its self denying purpose to perpetrate a chaotic (read: abusive) home life. She in fact is weirdly charming and absolutely lovely with literally anyone else. She'…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:44 PM
4

Thank you for your story. Mine even has a law degree!!. Never wanted to use it. Hated the law and couldn't stand it more than a couple years. Now does "consulting", and I guess that law degree is coming handy for her now that we're here. But fuck me, I too thought we'd have more stability, she also presented herself as intellectual, ambitious, family oriented... She is not even all that materialistic, it's purely about control. It became clear that she felt superior, needed to make all the decis…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:34 PM
17

Not being constantly berated and humiliated in front of your own kids: priceless!
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:23 PM
13

I work two jobs. I'm in tech and am very well paid. Any job I ever got, the salary was never enough, and she would compare me to other friends and people she knows who are senior directors or VPs. I'm constantly paying off incurred debt, buying shit we don't need or insane vacations spending 8 weeks abroad. 20 years. She amassed a small fortune working as a consultant because she never had to pay taxes, mortgage, credit card bills, you name it. To the poster who thinks this all might be petty an…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 09:03 PM
7

This is absolutely true. My stbxw monitors every parenting decision I make, and then proceeds to, in front of the kids, dress me down. Her reasoning is that she is a "great mother" because growing up she "practically" "raised all of her cousins." Large family. ...So great that the slightest annoyance or imposition on "her valuable time" results in a disproportionate blow up? Nearly every day? Refuses therapy, absolutely refuses to accept that there is anything wrong with her... it's everyone els…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 08:11 PM
2

If I were in your place, I would go to Europe. Pick anywhere. You'll get both social support and livable cities. Except London, which isn't Europe.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 06:35 AM
1

So you paid her off and what about spousal support and child support? The kids share their time between two houses? My stbxw, if I buy her out, will walk away with about 800k in cash between liquidating investments and me buying her out.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 06:27 AM
1

I'm confused, is a deposition a standard part of the divorce process? Here in soCal, lawyers will file paperwork, if everyone agrees, I think it's over. No one said anything about cross examinations and depositions...
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 05:41 AM
1

I actually am ok with the concept of her seeing other men after we divorce. It feels weird to say that. Honestly, good luck and good fucking riddance!! My kids are all that matter and I know she feels the same. I have only had a first meeting with my lawyer to hash out the facts. I did other things today like get a new mail box at the post office and open a separate bank account. Tomorrow I'll install a lock on the bedroom door, I also threw away all the alcohol in the house. Not that it was eve…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 05:33 AM
2

haha. I'm going through this. your posts help me to feel that I'm not insane and I'm not alone. and all that bad shit that went down between us isn't my fault, and that I'm not 8 different kinds of abuser, etc. I don't know if she is diagnosable NPD, but she has many of the traits, and the traits manifest in bad ways. but if you looked at the checklist, she might hit 5 of them consistently, and not the others. doesn't really matter; daily life at home is literally a mine field. who wants to live…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 03:09 AM
2

^ this right here. they know just how to provoke, in just the right way. I don't even recognize myelf when I'm around her. it's like I become this miserable, angry, resentful person... when when she's not around, I'm free. even the kids notice the difference. when she's around, I don't talk, I don't laugh, I don't make jokes, I literally do the minimum. been like this for years; this is why I'm initiating divorce. doesn't matter what you say or do, the narcissist is always right.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 03:05 AM
2

Yes, he provided other advice, consistent with what lots of you have been saying. The biggest problem is the huge discrepancy in our earnings, 20 years of marriage, and what to do about the house. He recommended to just sell it rather than try to negotiate a deal with her. I just don't want to pay a huge sum of money to her every month forever. I don't think she'll ever be with another guy .. it's not part of her culture, but I could be wrong. So I'm facing a lifetime of extremely large spousal …
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 12:59 AM
2

it's hard to know. she's savvy and unpredictable, and checks many of the boxes (but not others); his advice was cautionary, merely as a means to prevent some kind of evidence-producing interaction that would result in "difficult" legal challenges. but I agree fully, and it has been my argument, it is my house too. Doesn't stop her from using this: "you need to leave. your presence here is confusing the children and we can't be ourselves". cause why? I work in my office doors closed 18 hours a da…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 03:27 PM
4

I see what you are saying: legally, I'm still an owner of the house (nothing she can do there) , but she'll argue abandonment which possibly grants her more spousal support. last f-ing thing I need is to continue paying her more money
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 03:23 PM
5

I'm living this right now. tons of mistakes were made. still making mistakes, I'm sure. I'm very good at beating myself up; I don't need her to help. I created a mental prison for myself and now I'm working to get out. I'm in therarpy, I'm making small, material improvements in my day-to-day. I'm starting the attorney process, etc. I admit, I feel immense shame and embarrassment for what went down. If I look at that person, that's not me. But as the other poster here said: what's done is done, a…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 01:59 PM
3

Holy shit. I expect this to happen to me. We are already kind of co-parenting because I moved into the spare bedroom. And it's not been a good experience. So I can only imagine what she's going to try and do with lawyers. I met with my attorney today, and he also laughs at most of her antics that I describe. He advised support groups and family, and self healing activities... He said remember, you need to keep your job. So focus on you. I'm doing that now by sitting on reddit at 4am. Or I guess …
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 12:11 PM
1

In CA, I believe Alimony can stop at retirement. That's about 20 years for me. I think I would feel resentful that she essentially got a killer property in the most expensive city in the US, and I get to kick rocks. But perhaps it's worth it in the long run. However, at my income I could easily afford to buy another property in this shit market if I wasn't saddled with spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 12:02 PM
3

Basically, I'm thinking this: if she wants the house for the kids, she needs to buy me out. If she doesn't want the house and will move ... Have fun with finding new schools and all that shit... Then I'll buy her part out, save me from having to find a new place to live. Worse case, house gets sold, equity is split, we move on. Those are the only viable options I see. I would also consider exchanging my share of the equity for 0 spousal support given that my income is so high and in CA, after 10…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 11:53 AM
6

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Your story sounds much like mine, only I'm just starting the divorce process now. She doesn't have a replacement for me yet, but I'm sure that's coming at some point. At least she likes to remind me daily of how easy it would be for her to get any guy. Our relationship is full of frequently unhealthy fights and escalations, victim blaming, and other juvenile emotionally stunted decision making. I'm in my late 40s. I share the same concerns/anxiety ab…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 11:48 AM
2

Love it. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 10:30 AM
4

Fuck it, I'll live in a tent under the bridge like all the other tech workers.... ;)
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 05:12 AM
10

To add here, my stbx is certifiably bat shit crazy. She has threatened to call the police because I wouldn't leave the house I legally own, sitting in my room saying nothing and bothering no one. There is no logic you can use. They will sling mud simply to gain leverage. Later, they may or may not realize their behavior was grossly myopic. Follow the advice of your lawyer exactly.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 03:46 AM
5

Which state? Family court is not criminal court. He said she said has limited use in court. Has she filed charges? I hear DAs love bullshit charges.... That being said, do nothing that could ever be construed as recent evidence. Call her bluff.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 02:00 AM
4

here are some numbers: mortgage: ~350k (4.5% interest, we are both co-signers) Equity: ~ 1M Total debt: ~40k student loans (hers); i guess mine now too :( no other debt (credit cards at 0, etc. income: her (~100k), me (significantly more than that by a lot)
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 01:03 AM
4

How much is your freedom worth?
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 12:39 AM
12

After what I've been through the last 20 years, especially the last 5, I want nothing to do with them ever again. Let me be single for ever. I might change my mind, the wounds are still very fresh. But I've had my fill of drama for one life time.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 12:10 AM
5

So here's what I did yesterday. I re skimmed the last 8 months of text messages between us, and noticed the insane level of severely toxic unhealthy patterns of communication on a near weekly basis. Take your pick of obscenities... Over the most random of shit. I bought the wrong milk once... Oh I should not have done that... After reading those messages, I stopped feeling anxious and followed through on my first lawyer consultation today. Best decision I ever made. Every single one of my anxiet…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 11:58 PM
1

To say that I'm devastated is an understatement. But the kind strangers on this forum, and knowing we all have strangely similar stories and circumstances helps a lot. The hardest part is getting over the sense of utter shame, guilt, and failure, and knowing that so many people in my extended family perhaps expected more from me. I suppose from her too.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 05:32 AM
2

First meeting with attorney is tomorrow. I've read enough here to know there's no going back, and there are plenty of rooky mistakes to avoid. It's about the kids, and everything else is ego and holding on to money. I think I can cooperate with stbxw for the sake of the success of our children. I did the strip club thing already, didn't go over too well. Also, not my thing. My message to the attorneys will be, I'm ready to pay my share and move on. I hope that message is reciprocated.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 04:56 AM
2

I want to find one of these support groups near me. I think my spouse is either NBD or BPD undiagnosed. I read all these threads, and I'm like wow... That's me. She's hyper righteous, believes yelling and screaming is just expressing anger, a healthy emotion, and that men are abusive and women are victims of men. She has no female friends, doesn't get along with women, thinks they are all jealous and insecure, all her best friends are older men with dominant personality styles. She herself is ve…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 08:16 PM
1

I have to remember that emotional and verbal abuse... Is still abuse, even legally.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 08:02 PM
1

My wife projects. Victim blames and baits me all the time. We're both guilty of inappropriate communication, but she knows just how to twist things to maximize the victim card. I'm sure I'm some out of.control angry, abusive, pos. But the world will never have seen her in one of her typical fits of rage. The more I read these threads, the more I'm convinced it's beyond the point of no return.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 06:16 PM
2

This is going to happen to me.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 06:13 PM
1

I'm so thankful to everyone on this thread. I have nobody. I'm even isolated from my own family. She tried ... Your asshole parents who hate me and all that...
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 05:57 PM
1

I actually just discovered that the audio recordings were not really deleted. Yay technology. But the thing is, she is clearly afraid I will take the kids away. I don't even want that. I'm fine with 50/50. She's a good mom, 90% of the time. We're not good together, but she does well with them. So I'll never take the kids. Away, but I'm afraid of what she'll try to do to me anyway. I'll see what the lawyer says. If we can settle things.oit of court, that's a win all around.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 05:46 PM
1

Actually, I think it has been better for the kids the past few weeks. Non contact, no fighting, kids have a predictable program. I think they know we just cannot operate is a married couple. I think they are fine with it. Without the stress and hostility constantly around, I think they will be much happier. I am. Sort of.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 05:43 PM
1

I should mention, this is an intercultural marriage. It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 05:27 PM
2

Actually you are right on all accounts. I have been reading and implementing grey rock. I don't even discuss my wife on my days with my kids, but I know for a fact that she continues to disparage me ("shit dad" and all that) to them all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 05:22 PM
1

Her behavior towards me, is similar to her behavior towards our oldest child. Screaming cursing, blaming... I wish I had evidence of the physical, but alas I'm not a smart or clever man. A lawyer is my best hope now.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 05:20 PM
1

Here's some fun. I had recordings of her verbal aggressive assaults and she made me delete them on threat of calling the police and accusing me of DV. See how much fun us non vindictive people can have? I appreciate the advice. I'm happy to give her 50% of everything to just be left alone forever.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 05:18 PM
1

We never had police involvement, but there were moments where 911 was entered on the phone, and the call was not made. To anyone reading this... That is the largest most obvious red flag that things are not right. There has been light physical violence between us in the distant past, but I'm still forever the abusive asshole. She's an angel, of course, and those are just words...
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 05:14 PM
1

I think my spouse is undiagnosed NPD. And I'm not saying that to garner sympathy for any of the shit that has gone down. Her pattern is to bait me into an argument, which I obviously take the bait because I'm a stupid man, and then she uses extreme threats to coax a response. She never ever followed through on any of them, it was just a means to pull me into a losing fight. It's not about vanity with he, it's about never being wrong... For anything. Fights follow a somewhat predictable pattern, …
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 05:10 PM
1

Also, I heard we're not taking any of this stuff with us when we go.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 04:59 PM
3

I'm in exactly the same situation as you. Married 20 years. Long history of verbal and emotional abuse (mostly her, but you know two to tango and such)... general toxic environment. I feel tremendous guilt and shame, but I had the presence of mind to seek therapy, which I have started this week. I'm not a violent person, but if you ask my wife, I'm a monster up and down, every which way. Her temper is extreme and unpredictable. I'm also very conflicted about what to do. My children are 13 and 10…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 04:51 PM
2

these are all extremely helpful comments. thank you! I'll follow-up with some additional context tomorrow.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 09:13 AM
1

this is the right advice. sadly, I followed none of it myself and i'm now in a world of hurt. my wife baits me with all sorts of clearly verbal abuse, and like the good idiot I always took the bait, getting defensive, getting angry, rage texting, etc. and i'm a grown-ass man. I wound NOT want the court to read aloud any of those exchanges. take this advice. do not take the bait.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 08:30 AM
1

this description sounds like my life. I don't know if my wife is borderline. she might have NPD. we've been separated 6 weeks, but married 19 years. lots of verbal abuse, some physical pushing, etc. She is never "wrong"... I'm always wrong, and she's just the victim. we go round and round weekly. I probably enabled this beahvior from early on in the relationship. now I'm stuck, and we have kids. we live in SoCal, and I'm so screwed financially if we divorce. Not only do I not know what to do, I'…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 08:12 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter