Need some perspective on my situation

Movieman_Steve · 2024-06-30T22:53:43+00:00

If you've got a basement, move the remote work that you do there or set it up in your bedroom as a way of not being her but still being there for the kids cause the kids do know what's going on between you 2. Start a off to the side savings account for yourself. Keep up the therapy that's working for you. As for the thinking of the guilt and failure part, maybe you had a hand in the failed marriage part but remember she did too. I say this to where I've also been married 20+ yrs (no kids) but 6 weeks in to a situation where I came home to a partially empty house and a note saying "she thinks it's time for us to find things to make us happy" and no contact ever since. If you can, start doing free things with your kids- nature walks, camping, get out of the house and do things with your kids but make sure that your wife knows ahead of time what you'll be doing. Do you think she's vindictive enough to say that you've kidnapped her kids when you're spending time with them? Do you have family close by to be able to be there with you on these outings with your kids in case she is that vindictive?

captainchippsixx · 2024-06-30T16:41:16+00:00

Dude it’s worse on your kids the way it’s been before divorce thoughts. If you split up the kids can go 50/50 and you both work so hopefully it’s a good financial 50/50.

What was the big fight about?

dpatron · 2024-06-27T03:15:29+00:00

Your in the "early stage" of a journey sir. In my divorce my attorney opened a drawer of files thick as an oak tree. He laughed and said, "so did these guys". I thought I was unique, intelligent, different than other guys, I'm a Cadillac I thought. Fuck me I was the same as all those files.
I'm 13 years out of a divorce to the love of my life and mother of my 3 kids. In the end I carved out my space in life. Took care of my kids and cooperated with the ex. It's not about me. My children are my legacy. Nothing else matters. Pay your bills, enjoy your children and go get a lap dance with 2 girls.

Plastic_Map_Tossaway · 2024-06-27T00:46:24+00:00

I feel very similarly to you. I have put up with a ten year dead bedroom, no emotional relationship (basically roommates with kids), and the past year of truly separate bedrooms. Also in CA, also worried about financial impacts, but funny enough after wringing my hands over long term financial planning for 20y… I just don’t care anymore if it means living like this. If I could grasp some shred of happiness from a relationship I would work till I keel over.

Anyway:

Your (3) and then (1) and then (4) I share in that order. I can almost not bear to think about the sunk cost, the wasted years. And guilt that ultimately I feel I have to twist the knife on my way out, one last time (as our likely split is not mutual, despite our dead bedroom having been entirely unilateral).

My therapist this week told me to think about the next step, separation, as “the next thing I’m trying” as opposed to a failure. Remarkably, somehow that semantic change has had a positive impact on my perspective. Not sure if that helps you given your situation but food for thought. Perhaps it is what I will tell the kids, too.

No_Pace2396 · 2024-06-26T16:18:45+00:00

…cursing, pushing, ugly fights…we are not vindictive people

This is setting yourself up for a silver bullet divorce. The bar for domestic violence is very low. In her face screaming, a witness (even her BFF), a push that turns into something achievable only by the best soccer players. You want to be very careful, and if possible be on the winning side of that. She may not HAVE BEEN vindictive, but that will change.

Here’s the advice a hen gave my ex: let him think everything is ok, you want to work on the marriage, stroke his ego and when he least expects it…take your kid and go, move away and enroll her in school, or make him move out, say you are scared of him…talk to your lawyer, she will guide you to make sure child stays with you.

TheWormTurns22 · 2024-06-26T13:08:54+00:00

You definitely need to file first for any hope of keeping your sanity or post marriage life intact. I also tried staying for the kids, then they started eating disorder and acting out and other destructive behaviors. So I removed myself from the marriage now ex doesn't have a target to viciously attack and blame for everything, always in front of kids. I'd like to think that provides them much needed relief, but only long term time will tell.

yes2matt · 2024-06-26T11:41:12+00:00

95+% probability she's already in conversation with a lawyer. Unless she's just dumb, which I doubt. So you best getcha consultation scheduled asap. Bring your numbers, not your feelings. You're looking for guidance on

Best case scenario and how to begin to restructure your sitch to make it happen
Worst case scenarios and how to avoid them.

In the meantime, look up Michelle Wiener Davis "the 180" and implement that. To do so you're going to need to learn the "grey rock" and get good at it.

Stop drinking.

No more: yelling, name-calling, physical contact, apologizing, justifying or explaining, hitting or throwing any object.

I hope she'll come to her senses but it sounds to the otherwise.

As for the kids: they need a safe place to talk about their experience of this. Counselor? Church/youth pastor? Support group at school? If they have friends whose parents you trust? Arrange and suooort those third-party safe relationships for them. And resolve right now to never ever ever talk bad or down or even to tell a story in such a way that their mom is the bad guy. I dgaf how you feel or what the truth is, don't do it.

You got the cock n balls here. You decide how this is going to go down, then you make it happen.

Flashy-Excitement247 · 2024-06-26T09:13:56+00:00

these are all extremely helpful comments. thank you! I'll follow-up with some additional context tomorrow.

Psychological_Art823 · 2024-06-26T09:05:44+00:00

It sounds pretty bad bud. Roommate scenario involving not communicating is soul destroying. I know how it is.

Given the nature and length of the disputes as well as her not wanting to work on things, it sounds like be best for everyone if it were over. I dont say that lightly though if you her love and think something can be done to fix things Id advise going all in on those options first.

Its very hard to see the whole picture when your in the middle of it. Its great that your doing therapy and working on your self, regardless of what happens this is the path.

I know you say shes not vindictive and money isnt the issue but just a caution.. the divorce process can change things very quickly. In your case Id be very careful as sounds like has been some low level physical altercations. Lawyers put spin on things, narratives get created and emotions run dangerously high.

Wishing you well. You cant fix this alone though. Shes gotta come to the party as well. Do everything you can. If not strap in and prepare for the split.

domo_roboto · 2024-06-26T08:57:44+00:00

Pretty similar situation as you except for the fighting etc. I was neglected so decided to proceed with divorce after kids turned 18, but she said why wait just rip the bandaid off. Which we did. She was right in hindsight. To give you perspectives on your concerns: 1) kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. They will eventually understand how hard it was to make the decision and that it’s healthier for everyone in the long run. 2) yup, no ways about it. I’m also in tech and she a teacher. You’ve made it this far, you’ll do it again. Try to divorce amicably through meditation, it’s the best way to come out as financially sound as possible. Do your research and know how everything’s calculated and then scenario plan so you have if-then decision tree to guide your negotiation. 3) it’s a failure no doubt but not entirely on you. You still came out with beautiful kids. So feel it, heal, turn to the future. 4) sunk cost. A huge waste for sure but it takes two who’s willing to put in the work to recover. That doesn’t sound like it’s happening so it’s on you to realize it’s sunk cost to move forward.

savage_cabbages · 2024-06-26T08:49:23+00:00

It's rough when you start to understand it's the beginning of the end. 6 weeks no contact - that's not a marriage, that's a housemate you have kids with.

I went 5 years in separate rooms, oblivious, thinking things would change, waiting for her to 'come good' it didn't happen.

Also, think of the example of a relationship you're setting for your kids. Must be quite tense and awkward for them.

Keep working on yourself for you and your kids, let your housemate sort themselves out.

Title	Need some perspective on my situation
Author	Flashy-Excitement247
Upvotes	10
Comments	33
Date	June 26, 2024 7:52 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dot31v/need_some_perspective_on_my_situation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-some-perspective-on-my-situation.1522154 https://theredarchive.com/post/1522154

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