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domo_roboto Archive

View 5 posts and 232 comments by domo_roboto on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

It comes down to your personal values. If you think you’ve given it all to make it work and you can keep your head high after everything then don’t deny the inevitable divorce and your freedom. If you feel that you owe it to yourself and her to try to work it out or agree on amicable divorce then proceed with that. Trust your instincts and your values.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 08:28 PM
5

Not to get into red pilling or manosphere , but I do think we were raised and fed a lot of BS. Lacking a father figure hurts the most.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 05:29 PM
3

Yes. I find it useful for procedural sanity checks and which form to file for what. I probably wouldn’t use it for litigation pro se but good to have to parse out thoughts and approaches.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 03:05 AM
7

That’s right. Resentment breeds contempt. Once it gets to contempt stage, there’s no love and usually no going back.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:45 AM
5

Child support is for the child and it's her child too, right? Do what's right for your child.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 02:53 PM
3

I should have added, that the MSA states that I'd cover them if I'm employed.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:59 PM
2

I'm experiencing this first hand this past weekend. Since the divorce 3 years ago, I've been covering health insurance for the 2 kids because I felt generous and had coverage from work. Now that I'm not working, I asked her to take over since she's working. She drafts up this formal email inquiring when I might find employment again before she considers covering her own kids or not. I said biiiiiii........
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:09 PM
2

If you find the right mediator, they will be neutral and push for financial audits from both parties and use that to calculate what is fair. She can try to do financial, gymnastics and money movement, the audit should catch those. Let the mediator push for it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 05:17 PM
6

When everything crumbles and you’re in shambles, you focus on rebuilding everything piece by piece, brick by brick. Friendships included. Because you’re rebuilding anyways, you get to reevaluate whether you need that brick or not. Not all bricks are needed.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:36 PM
2

Time to pursue new passions! That said, academia is tough to break in, especially trying to get tenure.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 09:41 PM
1

100% spot on. The real winners in the chaos or things going chaotic are the lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 03:56 PM
1

You probably have your reason for wanting to spring it on her like this, but have you considered an alternative path that's potentially less surprising and chaotic? These things have a tendency to escalate, and starting from scorched earth may not be ideal. You still have time to think through a better path.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 03:42 PM
3

I went to Angkor Wat in Siem Reap Cambodia. It was on my bucket list since I was a kid - love movies like Indiana Jones, and game environments such as Tomb Raider and Uncharted. Wouldn't have been able to do it with wife and kids. So I did it for me - my friggin fortress of solitude. Loved the trip, exploring the temples, and sitting under those ginormous trees and hearing nothing but rustling of leaves.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 08:45 PM
1

If you can maintain amicability or the appearance of amicability, maybe you can get her to not care about them. I lucked out that my ex had some contempt for my tools and hobby, so she didn't want anything to do with them. I was able to negotiate storing them at the house since she wanted to stay in the house. But she yeeted all my shit into god knows which corner. I guess I'll find them when the house is put up for sale.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 05:34 PM
2

You may want to look into finalizing and processing everything through a mediator. A good mediator will be neutral party (they will say that you each should also retain a lawyer to review the marriage separation agreement before signing and filing, but neither my ex nor I did this) and try to keep things from escalating. The mediator will help take care of the paperwork including who should serve who and avoiding flare ups etc. It definitely cost less than regular route.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 07:48 PM
6

You're getting stomped on and used like an entrance door mat. It's time to set emotions aside, lock it in your hurt locker and toss away the keys. Do your financial due diligence and calculate everything by the book and forecast out to the time frame you'd be on the hook for - it sounds like you started, but you have to complete it so that exact figures are staring at you in the face. Hire the best lawyer you can afford and share your findings.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 04:59 PM
7

<face palm> do as I say, not as I do... these "influencers" man
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:43 AM
3

to broach the subject is to cross the rubicon. In my experience, once you cross it, you're essentially just going through the motions to delay the inevitable. That's not to say there's never been those who worked it out, but usually not.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 08:55 PM
5

Yup, your lawyer should have a network of forensic accountants that you can choose. Use them because if the tables were turned, she'd use them in a heartbeat
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 05:38 AM
2

Totally AI. Who bolds stuff in Reddit?
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 05:40 PM
3

I suggest you bring this up with the mediator. In the US, it’s not just income but a bigger “maintain similar standard of living”. Housing and combining of living situation is a large part of that maintenance in standard of living, so Your STBXW moving in with someone else will help her meet that standard of living and therefore reduces your spousal support burden.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 06:49 AM
4

by state rules are you on the hook for any alimony/spousal support? If so, her moving in with a new partner usually absolves you from that. My mediator added that clause because my state does require spousal support after marriage of 10+ years.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 06:31 AM
2

You could explore mediated divorce. They’re usually non-contested and the mediator would take care of the marriage separation agreement that would spell the terms out. No appearing in court with this option. You can have your current lawyer look over the mediated separation agreement after it’s drafted.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 01:13 PM
5

The real answer is: I don't know. From what I can tell, she was disinterested and didn't want to be there. We were just going through the motions so that in the long run we can tell our kids that we tried. Honestly though I tried, I want it to work out and I can hold my head high because I tried. She was too far gone and too far done with the marriage and all.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 04:54 AM
5

My buddy was in a similar situation as you, non-US. The country he was in is also similar in the sense that you need evidence to win or have favorable custody fights. So he hired a private investigator and secretly installed cameras, which turned out did capture the cheating. She went ballistic and bat shit crazy after finding out about the camera recordings. She went into scorched earth mode and sued my buddy for invasion of privacy and any possible violation under the sun. At one time or anoth…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 04:40 PM
1

You should be very selective on who you tell, bosses and coworkers alike. Only tell the bosses you would take a bullet for. Coworkers I generally wouldn't. I told one boss, the one I would take a bullet for, and he gave me space and ran interference for me. One boss I didn't, she wouldn't care and I was right because she canned me.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 04:27 PM
14

brother, it's damned if you do and damned if you don't. My best friend gave it his all to treat the step children like they were his own. After the separation, my best friend got slapped with a restraining order... like wtf
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 07:17 PM
2

Bro, the deeper the rituals and routines the harder it is for all of us. Be kind to yourself and know that triggers and relapses are all what makes us human. It means the past mattered to us. Take heart and know that it will take time to accept and let go. Know that it’ll also give you an opportunity to make new customs and rituals.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 05:18 PM
1

Sorry to hear that, brother. In that case, you may have to hire the best goddam lawyer around. I really had to act and pretend to be vulnerable in order to keep my ex feeling that she was in control and there's no advantage going to court. It was like a scene out of BBC nature, where a lion trying to take down a buffalo had to take couple of bucks and licks and pretend to be hurt. The buffalo seeing the lion "hurt" and recoil to the ground gets more cocky, confident, and in control puts the guar…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 02:40 AM
1

I was in a similar situation as you, but my income was even greater than my ex, so it was going to be very unfavorable for me amount wise and potentially no end date to the spousal support (court gets to decide). Even if she could support herself she may argue it's not enough to maintain the living standard. I didn't want to risk it, so my strategy was to keep everything amicable and through mediation so that it doesn't reach the courts. I was willing to give her slightly more favorable support …
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 12:47 AM
1

Stay strong. Just one more “hail mary” thought. Given how short the marriage was, see if it could be annulled rather than a divorce. It’s hard to get it annulled but if you were forced into marriage under duress or in fraudulent terms (with proof) you may be able to get it annulled.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/25 09:26 PM
1

Oof. Based on this and your other comments, my only recommendation is to sweeten the deal little bit (show some math with nelson hug with yiur narrative) and try to keep it from escalating. In the mean time, find a really good lawyer in case it does. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. If she’s a cpa, it’s going to be rough if she’s out for everything you have.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/25 09:18 PM
1

In my own experience, there's no hard and fast rule about this. Hugs and Nelson are frameworks that you can argue which ever way. My recommendation is to try to keep the separation from getting contentious, ie. go the mediated route. If you can keep it non-contentious, you can keep those your were granted prior to marriage out of the assets to split and don't even try to point it out, just keep it out as matter-of-factly as you can. But if it gets contentious then everything is fair game and wil…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/25 08:11 PM
5

Brother, I feel you. I could have gotten the house as part of the separation but I knew that staying in it would have driven me into depression because of the memories it'd trigger. So I let the ex have the place, and I moved out. It was a fresh and clean start for me and can confirm that it's the right decision. I felt alive for doing it. Picking out cheap but decent dishware for the new place was cathartic as I rebuild piece by piece. Kids could see what a fresh start looks like and learn from…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 10:01 PM
16

When the world shatters into pieces, the only way is to stare into the depths of hell and say to yourself, not today. Remember that fear is part of it and you have to hold on for dear life. Rebuild everything brick by brick. Blood, sweat and tears.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 04:45 PM
3

Also who gets to claim the minor for tax deductions if you’re in the US and how long.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 03:02 PM
5

It should spell out that if your ex gets hitched or have a live-in partner, that alimony goes away
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 02:56 PM
3

I highly recommend you get a formalized agreement. My buddy didn’t and it’s caused a lot of friction misunderstanding and resentment. Get things in writing and stay flexible through comms and negotiating. But yeah assume no unless you get an explicit yes.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/25 06:21 PM
11

Brother, that’s messed up. She is trying to justify and validate herself. Put that aside though and just step up to provide your children the best environment you can. No need to mention or bad mouth their mom. You focus on yourself and them, eventually they will see through it all and know that you stepped up no matter what.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 11:43 PM
4

There is no excuse for physical violence ever. You must protect yourself and the children and take all legal actions
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 02:02 AM
13

I really should support local artists
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 11:52 AM
2

No more direct comms then. And you shouldn't worry about this going to court then because it could go in your favor.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 03:16 PM
6

SITA. Do you owe any alimony? Is this in lieu of alimony? You need to limit comms with her as things are drawing to conclusion. She should be paying you if her income is higher than yours.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 02:17 PM
3

Yes, that also happened to me. After the divorce, my ex probably got to a better headspace and is now acting more like a parent. It could be shame or guilt or whatever, doesn't matter. As long as she's putting in effort in earnest, it's good for the kids and I'll just take it as that- no more, no less. I have my own pursuits and rebuilding to do, ain't got time to let intrusive thoughts run around in my brain.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 03:17 AM
3

I got majority (72%) even though on decree it’s 50:50. It is advantageous to her because I’m paying more but still worth it because I value time with my two daughters. Ex was pretty checked out at time of divorce, so I stepped up
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 11:09 PM
8

Since you have the PF membership, put it to good use beyond the shower. I have been on OMAD (one meal a day) diet and it has done wonders for me in terms of losing weight and saving money is a bonus. Win win. On weekends, I allow myself 2 meals. It’ll be hard getting used to OMAD but after a week, you’ll adjust and will likely never look back. Been on OMAD since Feb this year.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 11:11 PM
7

Brother, sorry this happened to you. You are holding on for YOU, because you deserve a whole lot more. Somewhere in your story there's a hero's arc and redemption that just hasn't happened yet and just needs to be unlocked. Focus on you and your future. Don't let the story end right here.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 10:29 PM
16

Dunno. But I’m guessing the men version of it would be accused of misogyny real fast
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/25 01:05 PM
3

Brother, there is a lot to unpack and I suggest you start by looking in the mirror and start the work there. The trust is gone and you probably made it worse with poor communication; the long distance exacerbates everything. Best you can do now is try to get through the divorce as amicably as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 05:18 PM
8

Agree with this. For me, I had to drag my ex to see the therapist. I honestly didn't expect the therapy to change anything even though I wanted it to. But in my mind and heart, it was the right thing to do. I can tell the kids when they are adults that I tried and gave it my all - zero regrets because I really tried.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/25 01:27 AM
3

Brother, I feel the same way and found nothing. But in any case if you need someone, just reach out via DM.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 08:49 PM
2

You need the fiercest lawyer. I can’t help but to think of the movie “A Marriage Story” and Adam Driver’s first attorney who was way out of the league. What you need is the new lawyers that he saw, Ray Liotta in the role : https://youtu.be/seKiaL9q98Q?si=ROtPS8IiveEatbpH
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/25 11:50 PM
9

Brother, like the other post said, you need to stop Jones’ing with others and especially your ex. You need to accept the fact the your journey now is your own and your kids are part of your journey. They will experience new things and vibes with your journey. So what if they compare and have preferences for comfort or one lifestyle over another. You live as who you are and build a vision toward how you want to be. You work everyday towards that and find it fulfilling even if it’s hard. Look, non…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/25 01:52 PM
2

same. I used to buy into the be a missionary BS, now I'm mercenary all the way. After my current role, I'll probably go IC route or be a contractor.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 04:19 AM
4

Shortly after my divorce was final, I left a full time job in tech (PM). Then the bottom fell off in the job market. So I was hit with possibly the worst things in life (divorce + unemployment), but still had my health and same with the kids. There's no way around the stress and so the only advice that I have is to face everything, stare into the terror and feel all the raw emotions, and learn new ways of self-soothing, self-encouragement, and ultimately self-care. Then you create a plan and thi…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 10:16 PM
3

He brought piss to a shit fight. Sorry, OP
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 10:36 PM
2

No. If anything, you’re teaching them resilience and how to lean into hardships and keep going.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 09:17 PM
15

The way I try to rationalize or cope is that at the most basic level we're just bags of cells and hormones. With the hormones controlling feelings and emotions etc. Parenthood takes a physical and biological toll on both sides but exponentially more on the mother's side. Pregnancy is extremely harsh on the female body with the placenta battling the mother's body for nutrients for the baby (there's a radiolab episode on this). In the end mothers come out with lots of biological and hormonal scars…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 04:48 AM
5

Yea. This is what I experienced to a T.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 05:00 PM
2

My best bud also separated from his partner and they have a son together. After the separation, they did the birthday party together at the park and then opening xmas gifts together. This went on for the first year or two. He didn’t really take the hint properly (and perhaps holding out hope to reconcile) that ex partner didn’t really want him around. Finally the ex had to tell him no she doesn’t want to have events together anymore. Sigh. Sad I couldn’t convince him that it’s better to do his o…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 08:23 PM
16

That’s a no for me dawg. Two birthday parties is the way I do it. Ex does what she wants and I do what I want. Daughter’s happy to have two parties
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 12:50 PM
10

I looked at the rubble, mourned it, then started to rebuild brick by brick. Heart, body, and mind. Finances. Relationship with kids. Career.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 02:17 PM
14

Rip your DM (watch out for scammers). Make like someone who just won the lottery and STFU. Be like Homer Simpson and back into the bush. Delete this post.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 04:13 AM
2

brother, you need to fight fire with fire, that is your own lawyer. You may even come out ahead. Look for family law lawyer via the state bar: https://www.texasbar.com/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Lawyer_Referral_Service_LRIS_
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/25 04:42 PM
1

One more thing, make sure the bank you use is FDIC insured.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 11:56 PM
2

I gotchu bro. You're right to think about money and where to store it. Given this tumultuous time, you'll want it to be liquid and accessible, so banks with high yield savings (HSY) is the right place to go. Nerdwallet publishes top HSY banks and reviews them (just google it). You'll want to read through and pick one that's reputable. Pay attention to the conditions to get that APY rate. Personally I went with CIT Bank, pretty decent interest rate. Keep in mind though that the rates can change a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 02:19 AM
1

Can’t find it
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 01:51 AM
16

Calm. Collected. Resolute.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 01:39 PM
6

The abandonment and lack of effort to seek counseling and work things out. The giving up. The final realization that she wasn’t the one I married and maybe I wasn’t the one she married. But I never gave up until it was a lost cause.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 12:48 AM
1

I’m anxious and ex is probably avoidant. The abandonment is real and something I experienced myself though probably more neglect (dragged out for years) and then ripping the bandaid off. Whatever the case may be, you don’t need to go diagnose the shit out of it which is falling right into anxious tendencies. Instead, turn the page and learn to self sooth.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/25 01:36 PM
1

The final justice
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 12:23 AM
11

Yes sir, you are entitled to it. If the situation were reversed, they would not bat an eye. Go forth and take that spousal support. Timeframe could be indefinite too which she may want to negotiate.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 05:51 PM
2

50/50 on paper but in reality I have close to 70, 2 weeks with me and 1 week with her
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 11:40 PM
1

This is the way
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 11:12 PM
4

prevention is better than the cure as they say
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 08:42 PM
1

Well put, brother. You're on the right path guided by the right value.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 07:58 PM
3

I'd probably pick ATL. Even though Miami's closer, the 3hr+ drive doesn't appeal to me. Total travel time from ATL of getting to airport and all that will net out slightly more than the drive but at least you can do stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/25 03:28 PM
6

Happy sock day!
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 12:43 AM
3

I was on a mission. A mission of rebuilding and putting the broken pieces back together one step at a time. I kept busy and it made all the difference. Hit the gym, build, hit the gym, build.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 06:53 PM
3

This is the way I went about it. I let the kids design their rooms and decorate.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 06:51 PM
9

If the attack broke skin and there's blood, you should take your kid to urgent care to get it checked out and maybe antibiotics. If rabies is a concern then ER asap. I got bit by a dog on the arm when I was a kid, my arms swelled up like popeye, no antibiotics because I was in a third world country back in. I still have a scar on my arm from the bite.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 07:34 PM
20

Brother, I enjoy my fortress of solitude
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/24 04:37 AM
5

On iphone, you can set to not display a certain person. from the People album: 1. Open the Photos app and go to Albums. 2. Scroll down and select People & Places. 3. Tap on the person you want to hide. 4. Tap the three dots in the top-right corner. 5. Select either Feature This Person Less or Never Feature This Person, depending on your preference.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 08:14 PM
10

Can attest to this. Ex worked with practically all divorcees (female), it normalized it for her and made her felt like it’s ok to not put in effort to save marriage
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 06:20 PM
3

Hey man, just know that it’s supposed to break apart and you are going to break apart. Breaking apart, lets you see things clearly so that you can heal when you rebuild brick by brick on top of new a foundation. The foundation should be who you are and the values that you want to keep. Is the wreckage awful? Yes, and it’s OK to grief over it. Love yourself and be compassionate to yourself, trust that the process will take you through. And know that you can rebuild even if brick by brick.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 01:40 PM
7

Arms length keeps the calm in strength. Stop communicating to her outside matters relating to the child.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 08:56 PM
6

Arms length keeps the harmony in strength
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 06:28 PM
10

You make a rule, anytime you think of her, you drop and give 50 push ups (or whatever). If that doesn't work after a month, as least you'll be fit.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 02:25 AM
10

You said b**tch, doe?
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 03:13 AM
2

Ah ok, missed that - got distracted by the pics. So I'm already 18:6, just lunch and dinner. I think what I'm missing is the strength training.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 02:08 AM
2

Brother, can you share your intermittent fasting routine? Like others have said, your transformation is amazing. I'd like me some abs.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:39 AM
4

F--- her - her opinions at this point don't matter. Be mad, be sad, feel it. Then reach down internally and tap into the reservoirs you never thought you had and begin to rebuild everything piece by piece. You're hitting the gym, great - that's going to be your fortress of solitude and strength. Keep going. If the emotional cloud doesn't lift after some time, you may want to seek help of a therapist. Now work with your lawyer on a game plan - it is part of the rebuilding.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:03 AM
3

Couple of thoughts FWIW... 1) mothers change both physically and emotionally after child birth, sometimes their personality change to the point that you don't recognize them. This is even without clinically diagnosed postpartum depression or effects. Certainly you want to be empathetic and supportive without being too hasty. 2) the nesting syndrome is real (I saw it in my situation), and ideally couples would have purchased a place prior to birth. It sounds like you guys didn't swing it before a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 12:31 PM
2

Yes, absolutely would have been better before that. But couple of reasons that we didn't. 1) her neglect slowly crept in, it was slow and sinister. The personality change was so slow and caught me off guard because I was too patient and gave her lots of benefit of the doubt + my own denial. We got along fine. 2) COVID hit, it put a stop to our in person couples therapy and by then her heart wasn't in it. With the lock down, we hunkered down. I proposed to separate in 8 years after COVID.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 12:07 PM
3

I'm done with the divorce. But like you I had wanted to stay together for the kids, that would have meant 8 more years. Initially she agreed but after couple of months she proposed to just rip the bandaid off. Fine by me. In retrospect, ripping it off was the right call.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 05:43 AM
2

My man…sorry to hear that. Are you thinking about divorcing?
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 02:50 AM
20

I ignored the fact that she really didn't respect her father and possibly have some disdain for him. I paid the price.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 12:27 AM
4

Brother, heed the warnings here. Don’t bring piss to a shit fight. If you really want to mediate, you will jointly find a mediator that both of you agreed on. This mediator will inform you to also find your own lawyer. Your own lawyer could simply function as reader/advisor of the marriage separation agreement before signing (lowest cost and truly uncontested) or become your own representation if negotiations fall apart and litigation is inevitable (most cost and you’ll have to pay the mediator …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 11:27 PM
10

I have two: 1) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. 2) Vanish, o night! Set, stars! Set, stars! At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 09:34 PM
3

I’m lucky that my best bud also went through a divorce with his partner. They also have a kid. We could bro-out, share experiences, and support each other. It has been a godsend
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 05:27 AM
13

She did it to me, she wasn’t attracted to me anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 04:23 AM
7

One thing in the near term that you can try is to make a rule that if you think of her, you hit the gym or you drop and do 50 push ups. Soon you’ll be fit as a fiddle and won’t be thinking of her
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 04:59 AM
3

Physically moving out is flexible and whatever you guys are comfortable but I would think whenever is the buyout date (funds arrive in your bank) seems logical. Personally, I GTFO'd as quickly as I could when I found a rental I liked, my choice of rentals were very limited due to area, kid's school considerations etc, so I let that be the driver of the decision.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 11:04 PM
2

Good stuff. Definitely resonates.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 01:10 AM
5

Amicable divorce. Given how hard the housing situation is, I opted to pay full mortgage so she can live there with our kids in lieu of alimony until the youngest turns 18 which is in a few years. At which time the house would be sold and split evenly. This is so that I don't have to pay lifetime alimony. I moved out.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 01:26 AM
7

Pretty similar situation as you except for the fighting etc. I was neglected so decided to proceed with divorce after kids turned 18, but she said why wait just rip the bandaid off. Which we did. She was right in hindsight. To give you perspectives on your concerns: 1) kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. They will eventually understand how hard it was to make the decision and that it’s healthier for everyone in the long run. 2) yup, no ways about it. I’m also in tech and she a …
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 08:57 AM
2

Happy Father’s Day, champs!
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 09:59 PM
4

Damn straight. This is the way.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 07:00 PM
3

Be kind to yourself, brother. 8 months is still raw and fresh. It’s ok to fall off the wagon sometimes. Focus on yourself, work out don’t burn out. Find therapist if you’re up for it. Time will heal and you’ll be sober again.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 02:15 AM
12

it sounds to me to that you are not indifferent. It doesn't matter whether the tables will turn or not, karma will catch up to her and she will get her comeuppance. Try to get to a state of don't care and don't give a fu - too busy rebuilding and becoming the best man and dad.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/24 02:32 AM
1

You're doing the right thing by going to mediation and trying to keep it amicable. You'll be able negotiate and navigate the intricacies of RSUs during a divorce because the laws are vague. If you haven't yet, you should get familiar with the Hug & Nelson formula, pick whichever one fits the company's philosophy for granting RSUs (assuming you're in California). https://www.kasparlugay.com/blog/dividing-rsu-california-divorce/ Since you're trying to use it to pay off alimony as much as possible,…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/24 03:13 PM
7

Like others have said, for many it's hard to understand, rationalize, or find closure. But someone posted here once that helped me a bit and it was that: for men, we generally understand that facts and occurrences are separate from our perception and emotions about them. Something happens, we apply our perceptions and have our emotions about them but we don't necessarily let our perceptions or emotions change what happened. But this may not be the case with women and that for many, reality and h…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 02:41 PM
4

Your best bet is to keep it amicable and negotiate the separation agreement and terms of the alimony. The mediator will usually be an attorney that doesn’t take sides but you should retain one on your side to review terms. If the divorce escalates and goes to court, you will be in a world of pain as others have already pointed out. 10+ years of marriage in Cali will likely get you to pay lifetime alimony unless she gets remarried. Substitute teachers don’t make much so that will figure in but it…
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 01:03 AM
9

I feel you, bro. If the depression isn't getting better, it may be time to get professional help by seeing a therapist. That's the first step in putting yourself first. If you're still stuck at never thinking this would happen, then it means you're probably still stuck at denial. You'll need to work your way to acceptance. Putting yourself first means you are not abandoning yourself. In this new chapter in your life, you must not abandon yourself first before worrying about whether others will a…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 03:19 PM
3

yes, it sounds like she's trying to avoid discovery and court. She's probably realizing now that the state guidelines will likely work to your favor and so it'll be more beneficial for her to negotiate a buy-out with you instead of having it all out in the open. So your lawyer should be advising you on how to best proceed, maybe it's to go into discovery so that you can do your own calculation and then settle after discovery. If you're pretty confident about knowing what her assets and numbers a…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 09:16 PM
1

Mine was $400 per hour in Cali. Don’t recommend though but it got us through amicably
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 10:26 PM
2

Since you’re concerned about kids and alimony, you should see if an amicable mediated separation is possible with her. It’s the best way to thread the needles that are against you right now
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 06:06 AM
9

Nope and never will. Trust is a one way street.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 04:39 PM
1

That’s tough bro. From hereon out, you might want to deal with her only in public places and video recording (see if your lawyer agrees) to protect from DV accusations.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/24 02:26 PM
1

I get what you mean. To me it felt similar to when a loved one is ill in the hospital and you feel guilty for being healthy and doing something joyful. The only advice I have is to let those guilty feelings go (acknowledge and know that you're only human), maybe start with something small (the little joys and enjoyments) and then move on to something bigger like taking a solo vacation somewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 03:26 PM
4

No. She can look into procuring insurance from healthcare.gov or the state's AFA marketplace or state's medi-cal if she qualifies.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 03:46 AM
5

It’s sad for you, no doubt. You can look forward and create your own traditions with your kids, even silly days no one has heard of or celebrates. My favorite is “Talk like a Pirate” Day. My buddy is like you, used to be the planner and sentimental one. After their divorce, they try to retain the “traditions” but the ex wouldn’t let him in the house, so they moved it to the park. After a year of two, that went the way side too…which made my buddy feel bad and like a dunce. I’m pissed and feel ba…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 10:12 PM
8

I use it to teach my kids how to be a good human being which is to remember special days for people they care about. Ask them (since they’re old enough) what they'd like to do for that special person and then help them if they need help. Could be mother, friend, pet…doesn’t matter.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 02:51 AM
2

Let go and let it be. Your house your rules, her house her rules. Be clear about the rules to your son and acknowledge with your son that they are different and that you expect him to follow your rules when he’s with you.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 04:41 AM
8

The comment that resonates with me deeply wasn’t specifically related to divorce but applicable nonetheless. It was from a redditor who was commenting on the point of the movie “Astroid City”. The comment was: Sometimes (often) the events around us don't make sense. Our spouse dies or an alien drops down from the sky and puts everything around you into chaos. You can't control it but you have to keep going. You still have a role, even if you don't understand the play.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 07:01 PM
3

Sorry this happened to you. It takes courage and strength to share stuff like this. Good that they didn’t have anything to extort you with. Eff em.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 05:26 AM
3

F*ck me sideways... I was too much of a boy scout... battleship got sanked
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 10:44 PM
12

Find your support network elsewhere, reconnect with your buddy later after everything's complete. You don't need any of this right now and why take unnecessary risks?
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:34 PM
9

This should pinned or made into a wiki. Great job OP.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/24 01:16 AM
5

Soon it’ll be ai chatbots if it’s not already. Be careful out there.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 07:14 PM
4

F_ck that shark tank guy, I swear … Great write up OP. You sir have helped everyone play chess and not checkers.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 11:57 PM
7

Your gut is right. You’re bring piss to a shit fight. Time to find your own bull dog. One that can see through what your stbxw is doing and counter appropriately.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 08:00 PM
2

If it’s amicable and you’re still paying mortgage on the house where the math works out, you can negotiate where you keep paying the entirety of the mortgage monthly in lieu of child support and alimony until the kids turn 18. At which point the house is sold and the proceeds are divided equally 50:50. She and the kids get to live in it. No alimony after house is sold. There is risk if the value of house goes down, so need to weigh that.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 01:28 PM
1

who knows and who cares? These are all generalities that are hard to make sense of or apply. What's absolute is how you treat yourself from hereon out.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 02:55 PM
1

Hopefully it's helping you build muscles and keeping weight gain in check too.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/24 11:04 PM
3

You did the right thing. When my mind starts playing tricks on me and the inner voice starts to spiral, I hit the gym or hop on a stationary bike to sweat and purge all those negativity.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/24 10:06 PM
3

oh damn... what state are you in? In CA, you both agree on a separation date, which is usually even before the filing of the divorce papers, but if nothing is agreed on, then it's when one gets served. This is to prevent them from getting a piece of your future income.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 12:12 AM
4

She will get her come upptance one day but leave that aside. I don't think you’re moving too fast but you should try to read her emotions. Ultimately you want her to be in a state where your proposals or wants will be heard and not knee-jerked. Let her lead if that's the way she feels some semblance of control. Whatever you do, try to keep it from escalating.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/24 08:48 PM
2

if it were me, it'd depend on when the divorce was (how much time has passed) and how old the kids are. I'd give them plenty of time to adjust, and I'd start planting seeds of a potential move by telling them, maybe even a year out and have the kids help me pick out the new place to live assuming they're old enough. Ultimately I'd still pull the trigger because money is money and I'd hate to live in the past that the house symbolizes. But that's just me.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/24 03:47 PM
2

If the QRDO is already court approved, then she would need to submit it to her 401k plan administrator to get it processed. You will need to have a receiving IRA account at any brokerage that offers IRA accounts. If her 401k assets are Roth 401k (also known as post-tax) then you would need a Roth IRA to receive the funds. If her 401k assets are Traditional 401k (also known as pre-tax) then you need a Traditional or Rollover IRA account to receive the funds. Both types can usually be set up onlin…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/24 08:05 PM
1

splitting 401k for division of marital assets needs to go through a QDRO (Qualified Domestic Relations Order) and it's a court order. It basically instructs the 401k plan administrator what to do and they will only take a court order. QDROs are complicated enough that you may need professional help to file one to get court approval. That said, you should check whether she is still working for the company where the 401k is at. If it's an old employer's 401k, she can rollover to an IRA and IRAs ar…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/24 06:32 PM
8

The rebuilding you need to do is your self respect. You yourself is what matters most now, this thing is in motion and will continue to be in motion until you're out the other side and it will come. Hang in there brother.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 01:17 AM
3

Be kind and compassionate to yourself brother. Stay in bed if you feel like it. Rage if you feel like it. It's a new chapter and new world now, have to put yourself first. Putting yourself first will also benefit your son in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/24 06:37 PM
2

Totally feel you bro. We’re simple men, a small bungalow, quiet beaches and a drink is all we need. Like you, I don’t want any of expensive shit she wanted. They’re sunk cost to me, so if my ex didn’t want it then it was going to junk or donation. In your case, if you can keep the divorce amicable and toward mediation, you can possible convince her to “buy your portion” of the assets that she can keep. If you don’t think she’ll go for this, then take all of it (since she said take everything you…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/24 08:55 PM
2

You may want to check out "Marriage Story" on Netflix starring Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson. The divorce started "innocent" enough.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 09:43 PM
3

Good to hear. Mediation is the right way to go if at all possible. Helps with better financial outcomes (or the odds of better financial outcomes), reduced legal fees, and keeping the peace on co-parenting. As for the daughters... I think they're at the age of establishing independence (on top of coming to terms and dealing with the divorce). Give them time and space. Even without a divorce, they tend to drift away during teenage/college year and hopefully come back around after college. I try t…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 04:41 PM
3

Everyone’s plight is different but you’re not wrong
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/24 03:11 PM
5

If you think she is open to an amicable divorce, you can try to convince her to find a mediator (vast majority are lawyers but they don’t litigate). If not you’re going to need to lawyer up. Even if you go with a mediator, they will encourage each party to also retain lawyers individually as reviewers to review and advise you on final separation agreement. It is cheaper than straight lawyering up and litigate.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 07:03 PM
4

This is domestic violence. Pls get help OP: https://www.thehotline.org/ Sorry you’re going through this.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 02:16 PM
2

Good job brutha. Stay on top of Fidelity. Those transitional services are sadistic at best and incompetent at worst. They worked me over for nearly 5 months, all that time wasted. Luckily I was able to avoid QDRO and needed only to split IRAs.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/24 07:33 PM
3

Coming up on 1.5 years from sock day but marriage was gone before the pandemic. I'm the same way, it's like the song "no more I love you's"
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 03:59 PM
3

Good luck on your interview, you got this! You can probably map out a decision tree so that you can stack rank your options and just go down one by one if things don't pan out. Not to minimize your difficulties, but my buddy has to fly across the ocean for parenting time (supervised too) and court dates, I have it easy compared to my buddy - helps put things into perspective for me.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 04:09 AM
8

Not sure if you're looking for a shoulder or solutions or both. If it's a shoulder to lean on, we're all here to listen and just know that we've all been through the depths of hell and many of us have climbed out - hang in there. If it's solution ideas, since you can't see your kids for now, a job that's not up to your expectaions, and you don't have support nearby, perhaps you can temporarily move, go back home assuming there is a home and parents or sibling to rely on temporarily? If not, perh…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 02:45 AM
1

Oh wow. Today I learned.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/24 01:58 AM
3

what does that have to do with your cell plan unless she went to the carrier and somehow requested transcripts, which I'm not even sure they'd entertain. You should figure out how she's getting access first and close that gap? But yes, separate plan is the eventual step. Most carriers know how to split out numbers into a separate plan.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/24 01:00 AM
9

Kids are resilient and will eventually understand. You've given it all you can. You know what to do.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 09:59 PM
9

My mindset is to chase excellence not ladies. If I meet someone along the way, great if not oh well.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 04:37 PM
2

Same. Wife was a good wife until after kids. Was a good mom in the early years but then became neglective that I had to takeover almost completely. Red flags were she and her mom didn't respect the dad, and she doesn't really talk to her one brother (just cordial). I couched it as 5 year difference in their age and difference in gender.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 03:48 PM
2

Agree. If I were to over-simplify it, we're all just bags of hormones. After the birth of a child, the body changes dramatically, especially on the child bearer. Unfortunately it takes a toll on marriages when one party becomes almost unrecognizable and both can't overcome.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 03:37 PM
16

100% on how her mother treats her father...and how she treats her father. I ignored this with my ex. BIG MISTAKE.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 11:55 PM
6

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering” - Yoda
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 12:22 AM
2

There are resources out there to help you find the right way to calculate this. The two prevalent ways being Hug or Nelson formula. You should comb through the articles to find one that works for you: https://www.google.com/search?q=stock+options+divorce+hug+nelson In this subreddit, there are differing opinions on this subject, so you should form your own opinion. My take is to be fair. If your state has a separation date, any options that are granted/vested (this is also debatable) after is se…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 09:14 PM
2

Come on!
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 05:25 PM
4

ah...you're top 10% in my book then. In any case, what would you recommend in terms of learning how to banter and levity? Also, what makes you fun? I've lost all sense of what's fun and interesting to people after being domesticated for soooo long.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 12:43 AM
3

Thanks….I guess? Do you consider yourself in the top 10%? If not, how do you meet these ladies? Teach me your ways master sifu
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 07:25 PM
4

If your spouse is armed with nukes and has the temperament of supreme leader Kim Jung un. You say you’re going to secure yourself with a musket? Ultimately you don’t ever want to hit the red nuke button but you have it, just in case.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 11:45 PM
3

Know the feeling all too well. Time will heal, brother. I chose to keep some memorable ones in a keepsake box to look at periodically. The memory is good at forgetting the bad and keeping only the good, so over time they do bring me joy.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 05:34 PM
3

I got silently angry all the time and it's not who I was/am. It made me realize I'm losing myself as a person. I was still scared, but I decided I needed to quickly get to the point of no return - openly communicating the intent to divorce and go from there. My ex needed to feel like she has the upper hand, so I let her pick the mediator, let her serve the papers. Whatever it took to get me the most favorable outcome now that it was the point of no return. Once you cross those checkpoints, the "…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 04:27 PM
4

How young is your son? A son needs a father, so it's either going to be you or somebody else. It comes down to sacrifices, personally I would screw the money and be there. My buddy flies across the pacific b/c of the need to see his two young kids.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 04:14 PM
10

Hate to say it but your story is not unique. Your inaction is not really about her because she's already shown who she really is, it's about you and how you don't respect yourself enough to take action. I was the same way until I embraced the fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Part of all this is the journey to rebuild self-respect and learning that the kids will be fine, and that YOU will be fine on the other side.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 03:48 PM
7

Hope you guys make this amicable. Sometimes if you're the one initiating and the other side is caught by surprise, it escalates.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 05:13 AM
2

The right thing is what ever allows you to keep your head high and go on with minimal regrets as you continue in life with or without her. If that means one more chance, then that's the boundary that you set and communicate clearly. Just know that when confronted, some/many will say they will change but don't put it into action, or they put in minimal that fades. In those cases, you have to be true to the reality, cut the losses and move on. It will allow you to look back and say you that give i…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/24 06:45 PM
3

Room with your friend who's also divorcing?
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/24 08:57 PM
7

Yes, be mad and sad. But seek professional help for your son.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 12:56 AM
1

Double check the legality of video recording in your state. Check whether you're in a one party consent or two party consent state. You could try to get your spouse to consent by "if you have nothing to hide or lie, consenting should be no issue".
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 07:32 PM
4

Her relationship with her dad and the dynamics between the mother and father. Both didn't have much respect for the dad. Many, if not all, of her coworkers were divorced - probably normalized divorce rather than making the commitment and effort to work through things. Can't and unwilling to take feedback to improve, when I'm the first to ask for feedback to improve myself.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 07:32 PM
3

Hey man, you've been through a lot and they're all contributing to the insecurities. What you need most is self-compassion and self-love; work with your therapist or change the therapist on this. Don't live in the past (depression) and don't live in the future (anxiety), live in the now and focus on yourself emotionally and mentally. Finding another mate is probably the least of your concerns right now until you pull yourself out of it. Chase excellence and if a new mate comes along, great...if …
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/24 01:50 AM
3

I proposed to my ex to see marriage counselor to improve things, she was hesitant but agreed. It was clear after a few sessions that her heart wasn't in it. Then COVID lock downs hit, and that was it, it was clear that something had to be done. We didn't execute until after the lock downs.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 10:32 PM
2

You need a therapist to help unpack this and approach divorce with a clearer mindset and fortitude to get through the divorce with favorable terms. Proceeding without mental and emotional help will likely just leave you with more chaos, angst, and potentially unfavorable outcomes that you haven't anticipated.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 10:03 PM
0

Normally I would be dialing up more bonds in investments, but given the loss in assets due to divorce I have no choice but to go YOLO for them chicken tendies. Shiba Coin ftw...j/k But yeah, need to go aggro to supplement and make back the losses. Two tears in a bucket, fuc it...life's on a ridge
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 07:49 PM
8

Empathy - can see each other’s perspectives and feelings. Communication - communicative on feedbacks that goes both ways. Commitment & team work - acknowledging that life is no cakewalk but it takes commitment, willingness to work it out, and action as a team. Trust - don’t cheat. Love and nurture- this is probably specific to me, I have such a deficit from bad childhood.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 10:38 PM
3

Keep looking on the lawyer front. There are child support calculator for your state, try it and see if $2k is reasonable or not - it's very formulaic and won't have much wiggle room. Finances-wise, bro - you're young. You know how many of us would love to have your time horizon? So don't be afraid. Many of us had to just let it all burn down, write things off as sunk cost to put one foot in front of the other to get through.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 05:27 PM
10

Started even before separation. SMH.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 01:05 AM
3

So profound. Would you recommend your therapist?
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/24 06:15 PM
4

Not me man. The only date that I have is with the gym.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/24 08:02 PM
12

Stay frosty and be on your toes my friend... there's always a possibility that she will say screw mediation and go the litigation route, scorched earth style. Definitely feel good about this minor victory, but it's not over until it's over. For me, I had to play the submissive role during the divorce so that she could feel that she's in control (a buddy of mine taught me this earlier on, he had gone through a divorce earlier than me). It's almost as if the more that they feel that they're in con…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/24 12:35 AM
2

I’m in cali. Separation date can be whatever both parties agree to (in a mediated case) but will likely be very contentious because of asset splitting. In my case, marriage was already declining in 2018. Didn’t file until 2022. So we agreed to 2020.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/24 01:35 PM
7

I feel you. It does seem though that you're too vested or you've pegged your happiness too much on another person. You might want to shift your mindset and reduce the codependency tendencies. Focus on self and happiness within. Check out Dating Essentials book by Robert Glover. He covers a method that helps to detach from too much focus (and emotions vested) on the output/outcome and instead focus on the input/stuff you can control.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/24 05:06 AM
3

You’ve got this bro. Put your faith in the light. Does she know it’s coming? If it’s a surprise or shock, get ready to rumble.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/24 04:20 AM
1

I’m like you. So uhhh… how’s it going and have you been successful in vetting? Where?
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 01:43 PM
9

Gummies
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 05:34 AM
1

Damn dawg! You’ve summed it all up very well. Thank you and thanks to this brotherhood. It was the band of brothers I’ve never wanted but glad it’s here.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 01:07 AM
3

quite a creative way to break out of a rut and welcome the new year
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/23 07:24 PM
5

bruh....I won't ask you what that other post is about...but bruh...
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/23 07:22 PM
4

This is the way. Need to pick the right battles to fight and win the war. Not every battle should be fought.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 03:00 PM
3

It’s ok to feel scared. Many of us felt that way when walking toward that black tunnel of fear, uncertainty, doubt. There is light at the other end but it’s scary to walk it and walk it alone. She’s likely feeling the same way. If at all possible, try to not escalate and see if it can be amicable. It will make the tunnel bigger and straighter.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 02:46 PM
5

It takes two to make it work. Given what you said, it’s over. Best you should do is to keep it amicable and mediate the divorce before it escalates.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/23 02:06 AM
6

You are a true bro. The world could use more friends like you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 10:27 PM
3

Let me pour you one, my homie. We're all here together.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 12:14 AM
3

Yes...I do what Rex does...just break the wrist walk away...
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 09:29 PM
1

According to my mediator (in California), you can negotiate pretty much everything except for child support which is calculated. However, the mediator and the judge are supposed to take a high level view to see if everything is roughly fair. If the mediator hears from your spouse that she doesn't want it, then he/she will go along with it. If your spouse also retains a personal lawyer to review the final MSA, they may raise concerns. Then it's submitted to the judge who can raise questions, but …
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/23 09:17 PM
1

I don't think that's right according to CA Family Code section 2100. But you do you and good luck. https://law.justia.com/codes/california/2005/fam/2100-2113.html
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 10:10 PM
1

DM me if you have questions on splitting IRA and 401k. Had all that. Even life insurance had to be documented.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 04:59 AM
4

Hold my beer. I went through this. /u/upvotersfortruth 's link to the article is the right path. It provides 2 formulas that you can use. I also had vested RSUs from companies I've worked at and left but didn't sell. Those are split evenly 50:50 because they were granted and vested before the separation date and therefore community assets. The formulas help to valuate RSUs granted but not yet vested, for example mine were granted prior to separation date but vests over 3 year, and we were separa…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 03:50 AM
4

You're a damn good salesman then. If it's commission based, doesn't that mean you have some high variability in income month to month? Some months you crush it, some you don't? In that case, you may want to argue that the calculator use average or median (whichever is lower)... I don't know, just throwing out ideas.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/23 05:22 AM
2

Damn dawg, that's rough. You make roughly $20k a month? And this is likely because you work for her father? Mandated child support goes away after 18. As for spousal support, yeah the rules really go their way. Maybe try to convince her if she is ok with spousal support stopping also when your son turns 18? It sounds like you're enslaved to the job and working for the father but the good news is that if you quit, your income goes to zero and then there's no spousal support. A new job would requi…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/23 04:47 AM
3

Nothing dictates that you must get a lawyer. If you don't, it's considered 'pro se' which you represent yourself. It all depends on your risk tolerance and how much researching and work you want to do. If the divorce is contentious and it goes into litigation, you could be going against a pro who can probably screw you over on technicalities if your ex retains a good lawyer. In terms of fees, there's a retainer fee and how much they bill per hour. If you use $20k in your example, you'd pay that …
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/23 11:22 PM
1

In California, there is a separation date (used in divorce and legal separation) that, if both sides agree, would be the date at which any income or new assets from that point onward would not be community property. The separation date is documented in the court filings. I used the income from that date forward to acquire the things I needed for the new life including furniture etc.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/23 08:45 PM
4

You've got this, bud. You're amongst band of brothers here. We know, we understand, we're here to help. Sometimes, you do have to tear things down in order to rebuild. Your kids will adapt and in time they will know the burdens that you bear and bore and they will respect you for it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/23 07:20 PM
16

I found out today that my credit card (auto-pay) has been paying for my ex's internet bill. She didn't or forgot to switch it to her card, so I've been paying it over the past 1.5 years. She switched it to her card today and asked me to forgive the past year. Hell no... boundaries are set for a reason.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/23 12:35 AM
2

An audible gasp…hmmm…I'll just shut up. Exactly my reaction too.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/23 04:05 PM
4

Let them judge if that's what they do. It's your life and one life to live.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 11:49 PM
3

Bro, dude's got the right perspective above. You need to get finances in order or at least have a plan for at least a year even if that's begging and borrowing from friends and family. I grew up in Hawaii, the place is brutal for those without the means and there are very few social assistance programs. You could try to find a dealership you can work at but have a plan. You'll need to share living arrangements and figure out a new poormans lifestyle to stretch your dollars.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/23 04:29 PM
11

Are you applying to be a nanny? Da fuq.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 12:56 PM
7

About $6k because it was amicable and didn’t let emotions get the best of me. Had to actively prevent escalation, had to play chess and do a lot of research myself.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 05:15 AM
38

Be a better man and father from here on out. Pursue excellence and don't look back. That's the ultimate F-U.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/23 10:23 PM
5

This is the way
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/23 05:40 AM
6

Sorry to hear that everything crumbled and you're in the darkest pits. As others have said, it makes no sense to do what you're thinking of. The marriage is over and you need to acknowledge, mourn, process it. Use this time to take all this, shove it into a hurt locker and lock it. Then you need to focus on yourself and picking yourself back up starting with the basics. Set a new purpose, eg. becoming a dad again even if it's a single dad. How do you do that? You need a job. How do you get a job…
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/23 05:18 PM
4

November7 by HKfiftyone , coincidentally the title is today's date
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/23 04:35 AM
3

The movie Marriage Story is pretty accurate in this regard. Lawyers escalate and escalate. But sometimes you need to bring the big guns. Here’s the analysis of the scene where the STBXW was led astray https://youtu.be/QeHQ0PBOmbI?si=oYD60k8mY0PSSVM4
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/23 02:14 AM
11

Yoda said, "fear...fear leads to anger...anger leads to hate...hate leads to suffering" Taking it at face value, one could try to avoid this or go through the phases as expeditiously as possible. I myself couldn't bypass this, but did push through the brunt of it all to come out the other side. One comforting thought for me was to think back to a time before meeting the ex, and mentally picking things up from that point on. Mindset, aspirations, positive outlook on life....it's like going back i…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/23 12:06 AM
5

Just like how we get post-nut clarity, I feel like ladies experience post-child birth clarity. Except that theirs are pretty permanent. It's clear that you're unhappy and unfulfilled but also responsible and dedicated. Given that you've already considered leaving it's time to map things out - do you give the marriage one last try by getting help with couples counseling and see if that changes anything, this takes real commitment on both sides. Or do you make the call and proceed with a divorce a…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/23 05:37 PM
4

This is the way. Kids should have relationship and access to each parent unless there’s abuse, addiction, or severe mental issues IMO. If you think you’re the better parent, kids will see that and have a reference point when they’re with their mother - less likely to take you for granted (although that’s might always be the case regardless).
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 11:57 PM
2

Yes yes…let’s celebrate Sock Day
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 05:22 PM
6

A wise person once said, if you’re afraid of being alone, it really means you’re afraid of being alone with yourself. In other words, you don’t like yourself and can’t be with yourself. Work on that.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/23 10:17 PM
7

The pain and suffering is proportional to how meaningful the relationship was. So feel it, mourn it, focus on one foot in front of the other and know that the light will show itself one day. You’re doing all the right things. The other day I had to go to see the family law court clerk. All dudes like us lined up waiting for mercy in the system and help. I can’t help to over hear. Two dudes in front of me couldn’t see their child because their ex were preventing visitation. It really put things i…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/23 12:06 AM
16

Yo, would it make you feel better if I say that what you’re feeling is all part of the healing? Yes, it’s slow. Yes, it has it’s ups and downs. Yes, you’ll regress. But rather than focusing on why it’s so miserable and painful and you want to run away from it all, focus on self-understanding and compassion. Mistakes were made and it’s ok… things need to be broken down and sometimes demolished in order to rebuild. Trust in the process, trust in yourself to heal, and remember that there are no sho…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/23 11:46 PM
3

In my case there are two types of retirement accounts: IRAs and work sponsored 401k/403b. You can split IRAs without QDRO but depending on your brokerage they may want to see everything spelt out in the court order. For 401k, if you’ve already left the job then you can roll them over to a roll over IRA and split it like above. For 401k in a company that you’re still working at, you’ll need a QDRO which in my mind is a pain and there are practices out there that will charge $500+ to do it for you…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/23 08:45 PM
33

I know this is probably not what you want to hear but it’s over man. I did everything you described and even took to couples therapy. All it did was drag out the inevitable. At this point, you do what makes you keep your chin up with no regrets. But at some point, you will need to face it and make the call.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/23 07:18 PM
2

Wow, very profound. Thanks for sharing. So is there a way to safeguard against this if we’re looking for future mates?
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/23 11:35 PM
4

Hell yeah. Everything you said resonated with me except I didn’t let projects go undone, dishes unwashed, or kids untaken care of. I actually took up all that. And then I realized, I didn’t need her anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/23 11:20 PM
1

Thx for the response. These are IRAs, which (to my understanding) doesn’t require QDRO.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/23 07:47 PM
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