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yes2matt Archive

View 1 posts and 284 comments by yes2matt on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
12

yes2matt/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 06:05 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
1

Old enough to think she's 30, young enough to need reminding to throw away the tea bag and put her cup in the sink.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 04:08 PM
4

Source: father of five, all school aged. There is no way to not impact the child. This does not exist. There are ways to reduce trauma and conflict within the child's home life and primary relationships. A one-year-old will not remember her parents ever together. Always her mom and her dad distinct lives, goi g back and forth to two homes. You can make that life smooth for her. reduce/eliminate/manage conflict with mom. Never a negative word about mom from you or any on your side of the rift. cl…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 01:08 PM
1

Every weekend. Man, just love her. Listen to her, respect her, treat her like a gem. She really needs you to be hard about some things, boundaries, expectations, rules, limits. Be real clear about those, and stick to it, you're the dad. But within those bounds, love love love.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 12:57 PM
1

Just be careful with the "investing" can rapidly become "trading" which if you dont really know what you're doing can turn into "gambling" and that disclaimer about risk at the bottom of every form is there for a reason.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 12:54 PM
1

Hey the yacht club (large lake) near me has entry-level classes and group sails, and those people are surprisingly cool. 10/10 I haven't done it yet but scuba lessons? My boy is super into it, and hasn't bought anything beyond snorkel gear. Drones and RC cars are kinda nerdy sausage party but can be fun, any motor bike or ATV, snowmobile, jetski thing is fun. You can rent for weekends reasonably. Get a dog and walk it in the dog park. Depending on the cute factor of the dog and your own social s…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 12:51 PM
1

"Nice" leaves the building when she says the D word. It is a business negotiation. She is a (forced) business partner negotiating a new contract. Because the old contract (marital covenant) was broken, the negotiation is intrinsically hostile. Hostile business negotiation. You can make nice sounds with your mouth, smile, complement her looks. But you fight like a cornered badger to get the contract you want. It's going to be a huge factor in your future life, so it's worth digging deep and chann…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 12:39 PM
1

With everything you have/keep, you can choose to be generous. With everything you are forced to "give" you will feel resentment. Especially if it is beyond fairness. So fight like a champ for keeping/saving everything for you, in view of having what you need in order to be generous.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 12:25 PM
2

I mean, it's the same thing. One is a depleted asset, the other is inflated liability. I have no idea what she'll do. I think your question is specifically a legal one and is dependent upon jurisdiction. And if it has already happened or you think it may happen, it's (probably? ) worth a call to a lawyer with expertise in your state.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 01:22 AM
1

Pay attention. It costs 15-30 minutes of internet bullshit to freeze your credit. It takes a few phone calls to ask your shared credit cards to lower the credit limits to your outstanding balance or thereabouts.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 11:58 PM
5

Doesn't matter what she thinks, there is no reward for pleasing her. You decide what you want, for whatever damn reason you want it, and pursue that. What's best for you is best for everyone.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 11:51 PM
–

The youngest is fourteen? They aren't stupid, she'll see thru all of it. I don't know your union contract. In my (Teamster) contract there is a huge concession made for guys who have a problem and are pursuing treatment. If they follow their treatment plan they'll keep their job, even if they're not working. The code language is "I have a problem and I need some help". If you have a steward you trust, consider taking the opportunity presented you to do what it takes to get clean. If you can't tr…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/24 06:39 PM
2

Sure. If you read thru my posts you'll hear everything I'm going to say. ;) Review the movie Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Listen carefully to the song Furr by Blitzer Trapper Read the gospel of Luke, meditate on the archetype man of all men. There is nothing that can improve your life more than a good woman. But facts: a good woman is not attracted to a less-than-great man. And a man who is investing his time and energy in booze and brothels/apps/porn, gambling, rando hookups, is not becoming …
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 04:22 PM
5

After the engagement ring. If I had been thinking right I would have honored my own misgivings and at least pushed the big pause button. Here are some questions from another thread you ought to have in mind: How do her parents treat each other? This was her model growing up, and while she is not her parents, she will act out theor dynamic when shit gets hard. And shit always gets hard. How do her friends talk about guys and dating? 100% guarantee that's how she is talking about you. If she was d…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 11:41 AM
1

Ew, not Gatlinburg. Try Lewisburg WV if quiet and no phone are your thing. Damn cold this side just now, tho
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 01:59 AM
3

And also, I would say about the sex faucet turning off like that. It might be: Whatever you are working on, that she's been playing along and now she's given up, and she can't get there emotionally. Another interest, some toy she's got. You say no other guy but usually the hunger has a regular cycle for them Chemical/biological/ medical changes. In a solid relationship, you might tell her that sex is important to you, you want to have sex with her exclusively, would she get a full blood panel, h…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 12:53 PM
4

Well yeah, it's a betrayal of a trust. You trusted that she and you were going to work together on whatever you were working on and she ... quit, or was working on something else. I'll make a suggestion, but it's high risk and might not work. So shaker of salt. What would happen if you took the other tack? "I don't want to be separated, I want to be married to you, be with you in all the ways, show up to events/family with you as married. Or I want a proper divorce, with all the agreements and l…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 12:17 PM
12

My friend. You went into the financial planner session with the question "can/when we retire comfortably?" and she went in with, "can I make it on half?" And the issue isn't just that bit about the money, it's the difference between "we" and "I" ... you cannot run any sort of lifetime operation with one team member playing for the team and the other playing for themselves. Sorry I should add. When she describes the kids and grandkids with you in the room, does she use the word "our" or does she …
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 12:05 PM
2

I agree generally with the "stick to the letter of the agreement " advice, but if you actually want time with your son, car time is quality time. My agreement says I pick them up, she picks them up. But I have always picked up and dropped off with no complaints because we're all in the car, enjoying music together, making jokes, whatever. I'll burn the extra gas NP
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 01:58 AM
2

Separation makes sense if there is earnest desire to reconcile, on both parts. Really I think there are situations where one or both partners need to work independently to gain healing/strength to come back together. Because they are tearing each other apart, but really do want to fix it and be together. When they are constantly triggering each 9ther or mutually codependent and tying each other to harmful patterns. A step away gives each a chance to catch their breath and gain some skills so the…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 11:02 PM
8

I'm a couple years ahead of you, same age, same years. I was scared because I sometimes deal with depression/ anxiety and I lean on the family system to keep me moving ahead. Not all the time, but some days. I thought I wonder if I don't have my little boy bumping around asking for breakfast will I even get up? If I don't have her or the kids asking why I'm home will I just not go to work? What will happen, will I still be myself and do the things to keep going? So here's what I did. I was alrea…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/24 03:07 AM
2

Echo this other dude. It is not worth your sense of integrity. Give her whatever is fair and move on. Make it short and sweet for you. That doesn't mean roll over and take a fucking, definitely work with your lawyer to know how to play it. But play it in such a way that you won't have a nagging guilt about having messed her up. Let her mess her own self up if she's going to. Or let her have a fantastic life without you. Doesn't matter, you're divorced. You need to be able to live with yourself b…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/24 02:19 AM
3

Keep your mother/house out of it. Do not be vindictive or do this sort of thing from spite. It will come back to you on a platter with extra dressing. However. Everything you spend on from now til separation day is half price for you. If you found a way to get her to go along with a HELOC and some of it was for those new appliances she wanted and some of it was for that cruise you've been thinking of and some of it was for her new Accord and some of it was for your new Jeep and some of it was fo…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/24 02:11 AM
5

Either she's been snooping or Mom has been "open book" with her or she has friends whose divorced parents have been open book with them. Mom also might be coaching this "punishment". Hold your ground on the parenting time. Kids don't get to weigh in. Boredom is good for them. I'd be tempted to ban the tablet from my house entirely for a month just to address the attempted bullying. But that's a risky move.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 12:03 PM
4

Try not to, tho. Look forward to it. Try not to hold that idea of sweet desserts. It's best for your kids if they have full and healthy relationships with both of their parents, and for both parents to be at their best. You don't want to end up disappointed that she is thriving.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 11:57 AM
12

So hear me out, I get you're kidding. If you are seriously chasing Jesus, let him provide you a mate, in his way, in his time. Take seriously that bit somewhere in one of the corinthians letters about how you can now have undivided interest. This is an opportunity. Dig in , cause some trouble for good.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 09:45 PM
1

How are your numbers in the gym? How about the lap pool? How is your 40m sprint going? What about your mayor and selectmen, school board -- how are they doing for ya? My point is, you need to find something else to work on that doesn't involve the mother of your children. It really doesn't matter about her treatment of you or the injustice of the marriage or whatever. Unless she's actively harming or neglecting the kids. But even then, you need to working your stuff out somewhere else. There is …
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 12:46 PM
2

Good job sticking it out.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 10:45 PM
1

Yes it will get to you. It hurts like a motherfucker. So there's a couple things might be going on, might be a blend. Parental Alienation: STBX is setting up a loyalty battle. Find a book, audiobook about it and use mitigation strategies as prevention. Keep in mind that a good relationship with each parent is best for the child, and to set up the child for a broken relationship with the other parent is cruelty. On either side, don't you do it, don't participate if she's doing it. even with marri…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 10:43 PM
3

Ha! Mine tried that same shit, thought she was going to direct deposit a 10k return into her business account. Wrote my name on the line. I had figured that stunt out a year prior tho and changed my withholding so we owed a couple grand. She was scrambling because the autodraft was going to clean her out.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 01:56 AM
15

Say more about tripling your income. Brothas in the back could stand to do half that well.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/24 01:40 AM
3

And do not make any more than minimum payments on any debts until after all this is over. Whether yours, hers, or common. Stack cash, friend and hold onto it. In fact, consider doing necessary maintenance on your vehicle or anything else gonna need done with a credit card before the shit starts hitting the fan. Not overboard or unnecessary expenses, but she'll get to pay half of everything you spend now.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 03:48 PM
1

She wants you out? But you're still in? Dawg that's your leverage, dont you budge until it works for you. What works for you will work for the kids. She can pick up the crumbs, that's what CS is for.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 01:13 PM
1

Yes your peace of mind is gonna come from following the plan as it is registered with the court. I would not even let anyone know about the windfall, at all especially her, so that she doesn't come to you trying to leverage an old favor owed for some extra help.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 06:23 PM
1

Ugh. I lasted a paragraph and a half.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 06:16 PM
1

So, its just like any CD or investment. You lose access to your money for a certain time. In return, you get interest. If you give it to her all at once, she gets the interest and you get a sense of closure however many months early. Me, I like to hold every dime as long as i can.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 05:31 PM
6

Why? Just put the money in an account you don't see and set up an automatic transfer. You get piece of mind plus interest. Find the account with highest cash interest, i do t have a recommendation but look at the retail brokerages that use a "cash sweep"
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 01:07 PM
2

End your use of alcohol. Just end it. Lots of us have. You can too. Do not choose to keep your relationship with the sauce and lose your relationships with your kids. Instead, abandon alcohol and pursue healthy human relationships.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 12:41 PM
2

Do you have a friend with a gun safe? When you are under duress, your guns belong in your friend's safe. Then when you want to go to the range for a day you just call ahead and go get them. It is no trouble. Alcohol belongs at the liquor store or the beer store. It does not belong in your house or your car. Your money stays in your pocket, you stay in the car driving by it, and the drink stays at the store where it belongs. Your money belongs in your account. Is the house deeded to you? If so, y…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 12:46 AM
1

I think if OP were to do the math on what the divorce will do to his net worth and living expenses, he'll find that seeing a moderately priced professional a few times a month is chump change.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 12:26 AM
1

Biggest pinkest vibrator in the shop.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 12:57 AM
5

Well if you do one first, you cant do the other. But if you do the other and it doesn't work out, you could use the one as a fall-back plan. That sounds stupid, but it's seriously how I've talked myself down before. Try everything else first, save the last option for last. Hold your head up as high as you can. If you're breathing and you are intact, you're more than halfway to an adventurous life. Cell phone, credit card and gas in the pickup and there's no telling what you might get into. I don…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 11:22 PM
1

Biologically, human females are in their sexual prime in later 40s, 50s, early 60s. And kids /pregnancy is off the table.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 06:08 PM
1

I agree with your opinions about wife's grip on reality. But I didn't see in the OP how she was refusing his going, only that she was refusing to go herself. With "reasons" albeit unsreasonable ones. If it was a person he'd been dating for a year, yeah maybe a dealbreaker. But a 30 year relationship? Shes always been a feminist, always been a little wack (surely). Unless theres an emerging medical condition like a brain tumor that these changes are new. I think it sucks, but he let's it ride, ke…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 06:04 PM
-4

" a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife " You can be this or that religion or not. But basic Judeo-Christian attitude from the very beginning is that marriage relation is primary, everything else is second place. I think you have legitimate reason to be hurt and angry, but she is not letting you down in a way that is a betrayal. In fact she's been forthright and upfront about her decision. I personally think she's being silly and maybe trying to drive a wedge for some…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 01:48 PM
2

Tell you a secret about 50+ ...
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 01:52 AM
1

One mistake at a time, fix this one first. Finances secured. Passwords changed. Lawyer consulted. Grey rock. Do not leave the house. Having consulted the lawyer about the scope of possibilities, take a walk with yourself in the woods or go fishing, and decide what you want. For you, in your next few years, having no consideration for her or anything about her. Only you, what you want. Make a plan to get what you want. I hope it includes what is best for your son, but maybe not. Work the plan. Sw…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 12:55 AM
1

No, thank you. There are things that I want very much, and I will continue to pursue them. Most of them I will fail, but I will be a person who is desiring and seeking, succeeding snd failing, suffering yes but also celebrating. I want to love, to be a person who loves, and there is no such thing without the risk of failure, the pain of loss. If I were to walk away from love to avoid suffering I would consider it a defeat.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 12:42 AM
1

You need a different God than the woman. Your mistakes in this relationship, even of they are big and serious, need to be less important, or at least contextualized by a higher relationship. Until you get to a proper order of relating to God (however you come to understand) as primary guiding principle, you will always be messing everything up with every little hlaf-truth or betrayal of trust or missed expectation. It is an impossible way for a man to live well. Figure out what you need to do to…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 12:31 AM
1

That wasn't the question. No one asked what she can afford. You need to also stop asking or considering what she can do/afford. She wants to be cut loose, cut her loose. Can you afford both places... for how long? Can you get the rental and sublet it weekly for a while? I had a similar deal, "I'll move out when all the agreements are signed and notarized." And I stuck to it, she wanted me out bad and leaned hard into the process. Good for everyone. I also wasnt sure of the timing, so I had a sto…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 10:14 AM
2

There's a spectrum of bad-to-extra-bad-to-impossibly-bad. If you can do better than extra bad, we call that doing well.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 11:48 PM
3

Man I remember sitting in the driveway on a cold winter night, leaning the seat back and sleeping til I was too cold, then going in. Shit that was awful. I haven't ever done that again. Thanks for the reminder.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 11:46 PM
4

Ok but you didn't go from -0 to a mill+ in ten years by saving your gym membership and eating storebrand oatmeal. What were some of the other points of your plan?
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 11:43 PM
1

I guess what I hope you'll come to realize is that this is a one way road, there is no rewind (just redeem). You can't go back, because you have changed. Marriage changes you, fatherhood changes you, and it sounds like you're taking your responsibilities to your kids pretty seriously, and that changes you. Even if you don't tell people about your history and baggage, you still have it. For me being divorced is more difficult, because of the financial strain and because I dont have someone cookin…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 05:31 PM
4

Just think, weekends with the kids, day job 8-5 gives you plenty of opportunities to wait tables or sling drinks Sunday night thru Thursday night. You're about to take a 150k haircut, which you'll recover in two or three years. You'll be 33. You have so much to be thankful for.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 11:13 AM
1

I have not been successful, but a vegetarian diet helps.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 12:04 PM
2

Man listen. You know where kids come from, right? You are 100% the source of those kids. Those are your kids, you did it. The single life is over. There is nothing casual after 30. The scene for a divorced man who works long hours to pay child support and his own bills, then has his kids on weekends, that is not the same scene you remember. Ain't nothing easy, and if it's easy it's probably a trap. Ya know what else is over? Covid is over. You can get back to the hustle. A lot of things have cha…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 10:24 AM
1

Do not leave. My terms for leaving were that the separation agreement and child support/custody agreements were all signed and sealed before I was going anywhere. First stop was a divorce attorney (use your city subreddit to find a rec) for cash, undisclosed. Bring your financials and make a plan. You run the show from now on. You decide the terms. You do not weaponize the kids! And if she tries to weaponize the kids you shut that whole conversation down, not going anywhere. You are right that w…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 10:12 AM
4

I was afraid of the silver bullet. So I got a storage unit and box by box on my way to work I put my daily living necessities and then my most valuable personal items in the storage unit. Just in case there was a TRO and I couldn't get back, I had what I needed to keep going to work etc. and also to feel like a whole person if I could never recover the items left in the house. But I didn't leave the house for but maybe two overnights (and well-documented!) until I was damn good and ready to. Tha…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 09:06 AM
1

And she hasn't responded with increased interest? Not a good sign. :(
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 08:05 AM
3

Ok but lets make being 54 and having half a 5500 savings account a point of concern. Brother that's not enough for a transmission rebuild. Never mind the dating apps, that issue needs addressed with "gazelle like intensity ". Post haste.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 01:49 AM
5

It is false what you are thinking about her supporting herself. She can do just fine without you. Even discounting the layers and layers of support and safety net (assuming you're in US, citizens), she has a deep well of doing what it takes to keep her kid and herself going. She doesn't need you. Now. Since you realize that she doesn't need you, what will you choose?
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 01:43 AM
3

Amicability is a ploy. Even if it's not intended that way. Women think different. If you're going to cut it, sharpen the knife and make one single well planned slice. Easier to heal. Check out "divorce busters 180", check out "no more mr nice guy", check out "king warrior magician lover " and make all your personal changes first. Start right now to live like you will after the (prospective) divorce. No matter what! You will have to find your next gear, coasting is over.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 01:39 AM
5

"I basically have no hobbies and no friends in my post-divorce life" So you get to start over. Are there kids/visitation in the mix? If not, move. find a lateral/ diagonal-up position in a different town, negotiate what relocation $ you can, and go. Sell or otherwise leave behind just as much stuff as you can bear to let go. You'll still have lots of personal work to do, but a geography shift will get it flowing. Or: Try and remember some of the things you were into when you met your ex. Pick up…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 03:09 AM
1

There is a racing fleet of Cat22s here, it's one of the more popular boats. I don't have time for it but damn I'd be racing if I could.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 01:48 AM
2

Yacht club, man. At least at the one most local to me, there are activities of all sorts almost every weekend, and the people are super cool. I took my kids up for an event on an invitation, I was expecting to find the whole thing pretentious and snobby and I was entirely wrong. Down to earth and helpful folks, 10/10. I got a Tanzer 16 with the "overnighter" cubby cabin, BTW. What did you get?
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 09:32 PM
5

Your lawyer is right. You need to switch tactics entirely. Go on the offensive, ruthless and brutal. But not hold hatred pr animosity for her, only realize that she has been talking to some friends or something got her playing the snake innthe grass and you have an obligation to yourself and those who love you and those whom you will care for to take the head off the snake.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 07:37 PM
1

You "are allowed to" do that. Might bite you in the ass tho, if she starts getting the (normal) idea she'd like to do and have and be more than your allotment. She might get to doing the math and decide that 50% of your assets and what her divorced friends say about their alimony is enough to get started on her new life.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 09:24 AM
2

How often is your support level evaluated? For me it is every time a child drops off. I have my paycheck go into a brokerage account, and I have weekly transfers to a "bills" account and a "spending" account. Any fixed, predictable bill is budgeted and covered in the "bills" account, and if they can be auto-drafted I set it up. So I don't see any of that money, only for like the annual bill like insurance or a copay to a doctor, which is budgeted. Psychologically, it helps me a lot that I do not…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 06:12 PM
1

Yes and no. It will require at least 120% to maintain his household with (in my case weekend) custody plus pay child support going forward. AND he will have to make that happen working with 50% of his capital. But, he will have hope, because the 120% is a fixed amount, and it will not expand as his earnings expand, and he can have a chance to build a stack, instead of losing it all periodically.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 05:55 PM
1

You need to 1. Prioritize your own stability. For almost all men, this is related to a home place, steady work routine, steady income, regular healthy meals, regular sleep schedule in a safe place. Please do not lean on children for emotional support or a stabilizing force. This is way fucking harder for them, even tho they don't show it, their world is blowing up in slow motion. They are looking to you for support, not the other way. Connect to a church group, men's group, therapist, close budd…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:12 PM
2

Its not the judge's first time hearing false allegations, either. They're not stupid.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 11:50 AM
4

Well if you're calling your date "bruh" she's just using the financial disparity as an easy out.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 11:47 AM
6

Yes I did the first time. She was patient, we worked thru it. I tried the online Viagra. I'm not sure if it helped or not. I tried herbal stuff. Maca root in my coffee and l-Arginine supplements specifically. I think that was at least as effective as the Viagra and def more affordable/ sustainable. What really helped was my internally coming to terms with the release of the marriage covenant. It is broken, "we" are done. Doesn't matter whose fault it was (both). I can't continue to be bound by a…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 10:37 AM
2

Talk to your lawyer. But NC is community property state and you be prepared to split everything "equitable distribution" which means you do not have to liquidate everything, you can horse-trade e.g. pensions or retirement accounts or cars or whatever as long as the balance comes out even. You can schedule an hour consultation for a fee without putting the lawyer on retainer. Bring your whole picture not only all of your assets and liabilities but also those of STBX. Liabilities include any credi…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/24 10:27 PM
2

So listen. Cut that shit out. WTF you doing lurking her insta? Stop it. You are giving her all this headspace, and it's not even her doing it, it's all you. Stop. You've got a whole life ahead of you, a whole person worth of work to do (yourself), you cannot afford the mental and emotional derailment of this. You must look toward what you are doing, who you are becoming. Leave the other stuff behind.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/24 10:20 PM
2

Here's what to do: start wearing a condom every time. DO NOT get this woman pregnant until you get it all ironed out. If she has a problem with it, tell her that you're not bringing a child through a divorce if you can help it. And since you have been talking about divorce already, you don't feel secure to be a father. If she wants to have children by you, she needs to put all available effort into figuring out what its going to take to make a real lifetime commitment to you. Until then, it's wr…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/24 10:12 PM
1

Be so greedy in the separation/divorce negotiations. Get/save every dime you can. Because if you are greedy now you can be generous later, if you are generous/ nice now you will be resentful later. And believe me, "later" is a lot longer than "now."
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 10:15 AM
1

I am curious about your Details, changes you made. Good job.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 12:21 AM
2

Why you would pay HOA dues? There are no hoa free properties that would suit? For the typical dues around here you could hire the landscaping, roof maintenance and maybe a monthly housecleaner
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 08:54 PM
1

It wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me, except that for all the other stuff. Ethical question and practical questions: What is the difference between being attracted to a man who is not your husband and being attracted to a woman that is not your husband? Are you in good shape? When was the last time you had a full panel of blood/hormone levels checked? Is he on good shape?
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 05:49 PM
2

And what his questioner is asking is super valid for you. What does it cost him, you, your kids, for you to go exploring? Lots of people have to suppress/channel their sexual desires in order for society to be safe/civil. I want to affirm "you are worth it" but really? You can't do the work to teach him to please you in the way a woman (you imagine) would? You'd rather break the family than try?
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:50 AM
3

You're looking for a forensic accountant I think. You might be able to start w a free/cheap assessment to decide whether it's worth the expense/risk to pursue.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 11:11 PM
1

It doesn't feel this way, we want to have "just desserts". But if there is a child, the child has a mother, and you are going to care for that child's welfare come hell or high water. So it is actually better for you, for the child whose mother she is, if the woman bounces back and "lives her best life". Because if on her end everything goes to shit (like we are tempted to want) then it's hard for the child and it's for you who are going to pick up the slack. I don't always feel this way of cour…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/24 01:47 PM
2

With just the information you gave, sounds like a visit to a psychiatrist (mental health practitioner who can prescribe medication, not a therapist or counselor), a full panel of blood work, and very likely a medication will fix it. Obviously only if she's willing to try. But it seriously sounds like an illness/ chemical or hormones imbalance. Not your fault, not really her fault either. But it is hers to deal with because it's her body. If she won't listen to you, get someone on your side from …
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/24 01:53 AM
2

It doesn't matter what happens to her if you divorce. Because you're divorced. It matters what happens to you, who you become. So decide who you are going to be, how you are going to be. What does that guy eat? Does he drink? Smoke? Work out, run, bike? Does he advance in his career? Does he treat his (ex?)wife with dignity even though... does he treat his daughter like gold? Then become that guy, starting now. Make the small decisions that lead down that better path. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 03:52 PM
1

Doesn't work like that, you know it. OP needs to decide if he actually wants to blow up his family. If he needs to confess his sins, go to the priest. the wife is not a priest, she is cistern and a repository of all the good things for OP and those little girls. OP needs to bury his shit somewhere else and keep the good things flowing.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 12:01 PM
2

First stop is a therapist if you can afford it. Can't afford it? Here's a tl;dr: you're mad that your wife wasn't God for you when you went thru a hard time. So you're lashing out trying to hurt her, firstly by fucking some broad, but that didn't get her attention bc she didn't know (she's not God), so now you want to tell her about it and blow up her world. The only reason to tell her about it is to hurt her. Take your anger out somewhere else. Most guys will point at the squat rack. Some guys …
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 12:42 PM
1

If you had a place close to Mom in Maine, and you lived there a week the your son and back home a week, and airbnb it for the off week, woukd the numbers work?
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 01:37 AM
20

Shit, man. Dial back the freak-out. Firstly let's clear this up. The day she dropped the d-word is the day your fucks-to-give about what "she wants" goes to Zero. Because you are separating. It doesn't matter if she likes you, is mad, disappointed, happy, etc. It's her problem to solve now not yours. You do not benefit from pleasing her. In fact nobody benefits from your pleasing her. In fact she will never be pleased, that's why we're here. Now. What do YOU want? Where do you want your kids to …
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 01:28 AM
1

I read your post again. Look up Natalie Clay coach/counselor. She has a podcast, website, does retreats. Her angle would not have worked for me in my situation, but it might for you. Straight up, keeping the marriage is better than even the cleanest divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 09:21 PM
1

It sounds like you know the ropes then. For me it's not pseudo-motivational anything as much as choosing an orientation. Divorce pulled the walls down for me, cleared the bullshit. My bullshit. So it's also an opportunity to take responsibility for my own situation and make something of my life. Maybe fail to do so, but damned if I'm going g to let my kids see me just give up. It might be shallow, but I'd like those snakes who were whispering in her ear, coaching her to tear put family apart, to…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 01:00 AM
3

Friend it sounds like she's gone. But maybe I'm wrong. Marriage counseling won't do shit except buy you time. Here's how to use the time: you gotta play both sides at once. As lots of guys will say, get in the gym, get your car clean, your personal hygiene in top form, update any wardrobe that needs updating. You are getting to the top of your game. Real careful what you say. Assume you're on record. Even if you just know she wouldn't do that... Real cool about intimacy, you can initiate but if …
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 12:26 AM
1

Seventeen year old can buy her own car, her own gas, her own insurance. Or she can ride the fucking bus all the weeks. You let her and her mom bully you, you are actively training your daughter to do that on her own marriage. You're in the divorce sub so I'm guessing you don't like that idea. You buy a car for yourself and drive it yourself where you're going. edit: offer to sell the car to your daughter at payoff/discount.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 03:11 PM
1

Im tracking w you. I am similar in goals and limitations, a couple years ahead of you I think. You have a good idea in your original post, to spend more money on yourself, balance it out. Please try and track w me. The "happy family together" project is failed. It is failed as a concept, there is no salvaging it. Read thru the posts in this sub. The sooner you acknowledge this the sooner you can divert your energy. You will need to make a change no matter what. Divorce is fucking hard. Again, re…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 02:37 PM
1

?? So you're telling me that because you're in IT, as opposed to softer industries, your name and reputation don't make a difference to your opportunities to do more/better/more interesting/lucrative work? What about your education/certifications? I'll tell you a big part of why I'm divorced. I stopped making progress as a person and professional. I got lazy and thereby got boring. I was not on the rise. She perceived that the only improvements "we" were going to make were improvements "she" was…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 10:36 AM
1

There are other ways to build value without hiding money, which I agree is wrong. But invest in folks perception of you, your relationships, your reputation, your skillset/education, your creativity. You want your wife to know who swings the dick. And if it breaks up, you want a network of people who have your back. You have good instincts. In the case of eventual divorce, assuming anything not spent gets saved, everything you buy before the divorce is effectively half price.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 10:58 PM
2

All of your listed interests have conferences, regional, national, international. Do you drive to work? In what? How is your wardrobe? Shoes? Barber? Do you have a regular habit of treating a colleague to lunch at a decent place? Edit to add another. That new game needs a special controller. And a new GPU. New GPU needs an upgraded cooler and a bigger power supply. Bigger power supply needs a new case. Screens were on sale.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 10:09 PM
2

Five kids here, aged 4-14 at the time of separation. What I believed at the time was that Mom and Dad were hurting each other in ways that were hurting the kids, and we thought it would be better if we lived separately, even if that makes it harder for everyone. So that is how I explained it. Whenever it would come up, I would address whatever the kid said then get back to that. A year and a half later, it still comes up, came up last weekend, why do we have to go back and forth, we want to stay…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 10:36 AM
2

"How to Split a Toaster" is specifically about divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 10:25 AM
0

Here's what I don't get. Why is the male equipped with a body that has internal cycles to provoke copulation every xx days (obviously a bell curve). Then put the male into religious/social structure which expects chastity before marriage, mutual submission within marriage, and celibacy as an alternative should the marriage be untenable. When throughout history, xx% of the marriages have mutual being a thin veil for abuse. In both directions, I see the male side most clearly. This just seems like…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 07:46 PM
4

Focus on yourself and your goals. Teach the kids by example that you live with yourself first and everyone else second, and you gotta be True.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 09:44 PM
2

Tl;dr: That wasn't the real reason.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 01:22 AM
8

X2 on putting big fat air quotes on "friends" .. if you can afford to go no contact on the whole lot of them, lone-wolf for a while, build from scratch with dudes that will get your back.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 09:10 PM
5

Man use your other brain too. When you use dating apps you meet people who use dating apps. Why would she be using a dating app? Maybe because the people who know her don't ask her out or suggest her to their friends? Hmm. What type of person would you like to meet? What is her lifestyle? Does she have interests that might intersect with your interests? If you were to pursue those interests there is a likelihood you would meet other people doing the same things, make a friend, make more than a f…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/24 09:50 PM
1

Oh, no, friend. That's not it at all. Have you seen the Hobbit? Tolkien was catholic, and he understood the Feminine, and Jackson got it. When Galadriel gets mad, and we see her, that's the Feminine. You don't put that in a fence. Check out this article. https://ednissen.com/blog/the-illusion-of-masculinity-in-relationships
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/24 01:44 AM
2

Hey brother, protestant here. But every bit as devoted as your favorite devoted catholic brother. There's three ways to play this, but every single one of them requires your balls to drop. And your replies got me and a bunch of guys here worried for ya, not about the church part but about the balls dropping part. 1 you can lean into the church. She has a solid traditional elevated view of marriage and if your wife buys in to the idea that each of your first goal is to get the other into heaven, …
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/24 12:37 AM
1

Kids? If not, gtfo of LA. Unless you are in an industry that is only there, or you are on the top of the dogpile, that place will eat you alive.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/24 06:29 PM
5

Because of different circumstances , I don't attend the big bday parties. Instead, I take the kid on a dinner and movie "date" . Because for one it's nice to ha e some one-on-one time with dad at a place of (reasonably) their choice, and also bc when they're older (hs and college) I'll need to "date" them anyway. I wouldn't try to throw a bigger /better party than mom, tho. You'll lose that one and it won't be fun.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 10:02 PM
1

^ right. Trying to make sense of madness will make you mad. Chess game is over, get your eyes up off the board, stand up and stretch, get moving.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 10:37 AM
1

Here's the thing. Wherever you go, there you are. The problems are never only just her, or just here. Sometimes moving on moving out will get you some breathing room but it's still your breath out after the breath in, and you'll call that trouble right back up unless you make a change yourself. But sure, go for it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 12:48 AM
1

Man I chose the "high road" (I think? Remains to be seen?) but I definitely had an alt route scoped out. I made up some palatable reason for learning Spanish, but don't you believe the nice reason was the only reason. So no. But considered it. And still consider it whenever the kids are real buttheads
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 12:44 AM
12

Hey friend, I just want to challenge this idea that at 43 you can't make a career play. I'm a little older, work 55 hour weeks, have five kids 15 and under on weekends, and I'm going to make a career play. I'm going to have to trim every time- or energy-suck that isn't abs necessary. I'm going to have to do things a lot differently (meal prepping once/week instead of cooking every day). Current plan is to enroll in a masters program in computational linguistics (UW or ASU), figure how to do it i…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 08:28 PM
1

Why did you "blame it on medication" tho? Men aren't entirely slaves to their chemicals but we also have emotions and those play into our sexuality. Why didn't you say that you're having a difficult time being aroused by a woman who is wishing for something else? It's a turn-off, (really! those curves are nice but they're not rare). What would happen if you told her how you felt and why?
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 05:45 PM
8

^ OP pay attention, especially if she's got "friends" in the mix, coaching her and egging her on, this is the track the train rolls on. Deliberately doing this drama in front of the child is complete wickedness, fwiw, it's not how a "loving" parent would deal with it. I hope your decision makers see that.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 09:44 AM
1

"I know, I should say no, but it's kinda hard when she's ready to go. I may be dumb but I'm not a dweeb, just a sucker with no self esteem" is an Offspring song, I'm sure you know it. There's another song "Respect yoself!" And if your body is not wanting to work as advertised bc it senses something is wack, maybe let your big brain believe your body and allow yourself to be grossed out.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 09:38 AM
1

Hey man, I guess you do your thing, but I would have some difficulty getting/ keeping/finishing with a female who was actively looking for/at other dudes. On the phone in the house on the same evening? Ew. What would happen if you said "no" to sex?
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 03:33 AM
2

Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 03:27 AM
1

Check w your state laws/lawyer, mine doesn't matter. I think you are right that the best revenge is to live at your best.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 03:27 AM
2

Check w your lawyer abt that, in my state cohabitation nullifies spousal support. But not child support
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 09:52 PM
3

Rejection always stings a bit, but "borderline devastated " says maybe you need a good solid year off, as most guys would recommend. If you get bummed or disappointed or confused about misread signals that's just normal "got the blues." But if you feel like you're lost or your identity is threatened because one attractive female got chilly, you aren't ready to date. How you gonna handle a disagreement that turns into "I've got a headache"? If that's go na derail you, better go solo for a while l…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 02:31 AM
1

First step of any serious woodworker's project is to sharpen the blades. "I executed" needs to follow "I decided" in rapid fashion. Consult the best lawyer you can find. Make a plan. Execute the plan. You do not need her permission.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 10:16 PM
1

The queen doesn't fuxk the butler unless he is ripped and/or hung. So you can get to work on that. F3nation.com if you have no better resource. But more importantly you need to stop playing butler and start playing King. Here's where I would start: why does she make more money than you? You need to make more money than her. Figure out what it would take to be making significant more $. Then start working that plan. But listen: working your plan, you don't have time to go to the grocery store. Ge…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 07:14 PM
4

This has me almost in tears. Bro. Whatever it takes. Not for her really but for yourself and your own dignity. Think about your best year/season before the crash. In your head, double that guy's conviction and strength and momentum. Aim for that and get going. Basic bits are strength training with cardio mixed in, regular group of (good) men to get together --can be found at a church! -- some form of almost-daily prayer or meditation, real hard curb on any intoxicant, sobriety is your friend, cl…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 10:35 AM
1

Or, honestly, if it's not too far gone, dude can put her on six months of chiller,, meanwhile get his business in order, get jacked, upgrade his wardrobe and his car, plan and execute a weekly outing with friends. All while giving her the shoulder. Takes discipline. But when the time is right, he can invite her out. Take her shopping at the sparkley shop. Take her back to the hotel and give her a good hard pounding. Then see if she gets in line. If not, he already talked to his attorney, already…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 09:52 AM
3

Right here, friend. not fear, but the strength of conviction and future hope. No matter which way it goes, this is the only way to lead a family.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 09:46 AM
3

You're divorced. Not your circus, not your monkeys. What does your agreement say about custody/visitation? Make the most of the time you have with your child. Bringing energy of vengeance or whatever other bullshit you have going on is not building up your child. So don't bring that. What will build up your relationship with your child is: Adventures/stories. You are exploring and learning and doing activities together, and telling g the stories of the things you've done. I have a picture wall a…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 02:24 AM
6

No sex is the big clue. Where's she getting that pussy need met? Here's where she is not going to get it: "I pick up and drop off the kids " "I do the grocery shopping " "She handles (gives away! Without consulting you!) the finances. " And you said in another reply you're out of shape. Is she in better shape? Getting attention shape? I'm not saying she's messing around, but she can if she wants? You better get your shit together. EVEN IF you choose divorce, nobody chooses a fat simp. But for th…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 01:52 AM
3

Oh the temper will get right if you put enough weight on the squat bar.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 01:38 AM
5

Are you part of that church that's popular out there? If so, go to your leadership there. Assuming you're being above board in what you said, they ought to lean hard in for your cause. Otherwise, take some cash undisclosed to her and book a consultation with the best divorce attorney in the area. Bring all of your information, Financials etc, none of the sob stories. Write down all the questions you ha e and wrote down all the answers she gives. You will be emotional and forget if you don't writ…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 06:27 PM
1

Yeah but pay attention to what my man here is saying. I'm also dating a mother of several. And this is the FIRST CONVO on the FIRST DATE. My time with kids absolutely trumps time with you, I will tell you as much as you want to know about them but they won't know about you and you won't meet them for probably a couple of years. (for all the reasons he gave) And a couple other things, I don't want to remarry or shack up etc.. You have to have boundaries and be explicit about them up front, then h…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 11:48 AM
7

Nope. Talk to a lawyer about your options and make a plan. Remember that what is best for you is best for everybody. Remember that you are not punishing or retaliating, you making the best of a bad situation, and setting yourself up in a position to be generous, and joyful. Remember that the woman is completely capable of doing what it takes to butter her own bread. Most guys are able to dig themselves out. I'm back on track in a little over a year, from a similarly precarious position. You can …
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 06:47 AM
1

All the way from Eve, women are given full personhood and agency. "I have begotten a manchild with the help of the LORD" is the first conversion story. Your wife has her own life with God, her own decisions, her own reasons for those decisions. They are NOT YOURS. She is in covenant partnership with you, as concerning your life together, but your responsibility ends at her skin. You cannot control or take ownership of what happens from within her. What she says, where she chooses to go, what she…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 06:30 AM
3

Tldr: i think you can let it ride. Does that street go both ways? Can you keep an eye on her location when she's with mom? For me, it wouldn't be a big deal at all. I usually plan any activities in advance, and assume the kids are going to tell mom where we were and what we did. If she wanted to creep and watch us go from the library to the grocery store, that's on her. Now, if the kid was getting harassed "what are you doing at McDonald's again, can't dad cook?" Or whatever, I might get prickly…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 05:59 AM
4

Exactly. Do not leave your house unless mandated by court order. That's your house, get your ass there.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 05:48 AM
2

Man I started keeping a journal by writing myself an email every night. One account to another, different passwords. That way there is a date stamp, and you can't "lose" your records like you could with a notebook.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 05:47 AM
1

Right. I'm agreeing with you that's a shitty thing to do to the kids. What if the kids really like/love him, then the adults decide to break up. So then the kids gotta go thru losing a person, while it's the adults fucking around. Then what, how many times thru that cycle before the kids think that men are disposable or always-disappearing, and end up having jacked up relationships in their own lives because of decisions the parent made? You take control of the things you can take control of, an…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 12:46 AM
2

Don't you do it tho. I'm seeing someone. Our very first proper date I laid it down real clear that my children won't see their mother so easily replaced. Because I don't want them to think I might move on from them, and I don't want them to think they are replaceable in their own marriage. So I told this lady that she won't meet my kids and they won't know about her for at least a couple years. And she respects that because she has kids and cares about them in the same way. If she didn't respect…
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 11:06 PM
3

Or a girl.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 11:01 PM
2

It's hard change to make, but you want to be the one she has to accommodate, not the other way round. She needs to be either pushed to the max to keep up with you or pushed to the max to build her own ladder out. Furthermore, from her perspective, "I didn't want to support my husband improving himself " is a harder narrative to float among her friends than "he's a dead end; I can do better"
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 05:35 PM
4

The first step is to consult a divorce attorney. Bring some details about your finances and if you have specific concerns. Remember this is an information/ strategic planning meeting, not a therapy session. Second step is to take a good long walk, or canoe trip, or whatever gets you in touch with you and God. Decide what your priorities are going to be for your life going forward. What do you want to do, what do you need to do it? Of the assets you have accumulated, what are most important or di…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 11:20 AM
1

Hey friend, just to point out that you are making a great point about decoupling, in replies that start with the phrase "I need you to ..." Which I'm sure you'll understand is awkward.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 11:10 AM
9

So your wife had an online friendship with a man and it got emotionally entangled. And you knew all about it, asked her about it. She wasn't candid about the emotional entanglement but she wasn't covering up either. They never saw each other IRL, held hands, kissed, slept together, had breakfast afterwards. They never had the early morning or late night verbal conversations and cuddling. They were texting thru an MMO. She came clean about it, is willing to change and maintain better boundaries? …
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 11:07 AM
2

If you are doing things according to your agreement, you are both keeping your word, and you are both the good guy. Absolutely be generous, but don't allow the horseshit plays you described. Buy the kids' shoes when the kids are with you. Or whatever.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 02:40 PM
1

Right? I did almost five. What the fuck I was thinking at the time. I guess like most of the guys on this sub, I was willing to put up with that to keep the home intact for the kids (and for my own reasons). I think it would have been better to have a "put out or get out" mentality; should have walked her to the attic and showed her where we stashed the moving boxes in the same conversation. Wouldn't have changed the outcome, but I would have been a better man for it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 10:10 AM
2

She needs to hear it now, but "That's what child support is for" is not the way to say it. The way to say it is "we negotiated a separation agreement (paid good money to do so); I prefer to stick to the agreement when it comes to expenses " You make the agreement the bad guy/judge instead of the your personality. Because she has co-ownership of the agreement, for one. And for two, as long as you are doing the same personality conflict patterns, neither one of you can really heal up and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 10:02 AM
10

Amen. You've got a whole life to rebuild, how do you even have time for that conversation? "I'm sorry that happened to you. I'll have the kids back on Sunday at seven. Have a nice evening." And roll the fuck out, cool and calm. Not your circus anymore, not your monkeys.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 10:26 PM
2

I think this is a great perspective. It's like if you were on a boat taking on water, would you just immediately jump overboard or would you try some evasive action first? And if the stuff on the boat was really valuable, how much creative, radical, disruptive efforts would you put forth? For example, if you've wanted to change careers, now is a damn good time to get her to step up her economic productivity while you go back to school. Or if you've always wanted to go on a long trip/ safari/ wha…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 10:20 PM
3

I hear you, but just to offer a counterexample, I've gotten nothing but support from my fairly conservative Christian church "family". Some religious friends decided I wasn't on the a-team any more, but in spades I've have support come from all points to more than compensate for the "loss"
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 10:10 PM
2

Talk to a lawyer (cash consultation, not disclosed to stbx), best 300 you can spend. Prioritize your own health; Programmed strength training, Some sort of cardio activity, make it fun Psych eval/ therapy. Especially of you have insurance coverage, this is tome/money well spent. If only for the "don't shit where you eat" principle you pay a therapist to listen to you process all the garbage thoughts and feelings you have so that your friends and colleagues don't have to. If you don't already hav…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:48 PM
7

I also camped this week at a conference, helped this older couple set up their vendor stall. It went the opposite way for them, he would snap at her for any perceived misstep. They were old enough to have been married for 50+ years and it made me cringe every time. So it goes both ways, is my point. I felt sad for each of them, for her being constantly bruised and for him having made himself a bruiser. That's not what marriage is intended for, I'm sure.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 02:54 PM
0

Ok my dude. Consider stalling on the divorce til you get your own shit straight.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 10:34 AM
3

She sees y'all barely making it month to month, right? Does she realize she's going to NEED to go to work to make bills? Mine I think didn't realize how hard it was going to be. I think she would have been a little more amenable to making changes. I wish she had worked while we were together as hard as she is working now, things would have been a lot better between us and our money would have been better too.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 10:31 AM
1

Best reply I have ever read on this sub. Tho there have been some good ones. OP do you have family you can lean on to help you take care of the kids so you can get 50/50 residency?
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 10:27 AM
1

Same thing we tell any guy 'round here. Hit the gym, lose the gut. Get clothes that fit, get your hygiene right. Spend your valuable time doing the things you value with the people you value. So you're feeling your best, looking your best, doing your best.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 01:22 AM
1

Right? If the texts are based in fact at all, OP is well on his way to incel. OP, the rest of us be weight/calisthenics training 3x/week, two showers a day, keeping nails and nose and ear hairs trimmed, skin cared for, proper haircut, fresh underwear and socks, clothes that fit and look right, decent cologne, teeth brushed and flossed. Our vehicles are in serviceable repair, clean inside and out. The lawn is (mostly) mowed and the common areas are tidy. AND we are working full-time (55hrs/week h…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 06:48 PM
11

180. Giant pause button on intimacy, 40 days. In those 40 days, 1. No drinking. None. 2. While you're at it, cut carbs as hard as you can, fill the gap with greens and legumes. 3. Daily, at least 4x a week good hard 40 minute workout. Doesn't matter what, pr with whom or how early you need to get up, get it done. 4. On a cash, undisclosed-to-her basis, divorce attorney consultation. Bring your financial situation and approach the hour meeting as though you saw a divorce in the future and are pre…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 04:58 PM
3

Better figure that shit out post-haste, isn't going to change for you unless you change it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 11:20 PM
9

Only one person in the universe you can transform, friend. Only demons you can expel are around that same person. I would suggest the reason you're fixating on "her" is because you don't want to deal with yourself. It's easier to play-fight the unwinnable than to face the winnable but take some hard ones to the head and chest. But you, my MAN, must do that very thing. Get it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 11:58 AM
1

Divorce busters 180
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 07:48 PM
1

I cook a lot. I got a mountain bike. I work plenty of overtime. I took an office in my church and am digging into that. I cook a lot!
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 07:47 PM
4

You read my diary? Shit.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 02:48 AM
2

Ok my dude. The way you are talking makes me think you are looking to have a hot woman either: to make yourself feel like you've gotten to the next level (playing varsity as a sophomore); or to look to other people like you have more going on than you really do (he must be a Rockstar to have a groupie like that); or both. This is a recipe for DISASTER no matter what. It doesn't matter if it's her or a previous one or the next one, they're all going to be this way. For this reason, you're bullshi…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 02:43 AM
12

Dude you nailed it here: Pay real close attention how her parents are with each other. That's her model. When things get tough/stressful, that's how she's gonna be. Pay real close attention to how her friends talk about men and relationships. They're absolutely talking about you in the same terms. FML if I had taken these seriously I would have saved 20 years and at least a million bucks. OP. There are good, fine women out there. Marriage is a good thing and can absolutely work and you will be t…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 02:09 AM
2

So maybe it's a you-do-you situation. What do you want for yourself, the remainder of your life, or next decade, couple years? Not for "us" or for "her". For you, your sense of mission/call, your deep drive. Start to build that. Invite her along, accommodate her, but do not make it about her or let her divert you. You are diverting her, messing up her life, not the other way around. Be transparent and honest about your goal and direction, this isn't a game or a ploy. It's not about her at all, o…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 12:55 PM
3

Divorce is very expensive in every way. And fucking risky. Some guys recover quick, some not very quick at all, some guys flounder and some guys spiral down fast. Think about some other radical changes you might make, and consider them. What about a geographic change, new city/ state/country? What about a new career, you have 25 good years left? Even a neighborhood change, like moving out to a farm or in to a condo might shake stuff up enough? What about adoption or fostering? That's also really…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 08:58 PM
2

Is best plan. Dig in, it's worth it. If you forget and slip off just get back on. In a culture largely defined by addiction to sex, every day sober is a good day.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 04:24 PM
4

If this is happening to you, male or female, you need to document it. Look up your state laws as to whether recording is single-disclosure or double-disclosure. Remember that these laws pertain to the submission of recordings as direct evidence. Nothing prevents you from recording audio for personal reference, then writing a transcript later. Only in a double disclosure state you will keep your trap shut about the original recording. Time stamps can be valuable, so send yourself an email (two ac…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 12:02 PM
2

Dunno why you got downvoted for this. It's like we wanna talk about "God" like its a little troll-man-chess-piece. You wanna start telling the truth? Get ready to start telling the whole truth. Man is head of household under God, and carries that responsibility and blessing. The minute the minister-of-what-the-fuck says "by the authority vested in me by the state of ___" the man by submitting to that ordination puts the state between himself and God. So while he "prays" to "God" he is actually s…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 12:32 AM
1

Ok, do it for you, $$, not for the kids. So that in the worst case you don't have resentment for them bc they didn't value all that lawn mowing. Seriously. Less seriously, gf likes to garden maybe? Does she know that a pushmower is a pro tip to having the nicest butt and legs in the club? work it, man
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 02:33 PM
2

So best case scenario is you take it on the chin for __ years, they each choose at 14 to live 100% with you, you keep the house and the child support pays the mortgage. Then you just have to do you and the kids for a few years til they're driving. Worst case scenario is you take it on the chin for __ years, they choose her for 100%, you continue to eat shit on the mortgage and the CS and you resent the original __ years because they were wasted. I guess I would Think about the probability of the…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 11:43 AM
3

I'm a little younger, but facing the question. The bigger question is: what do I want to do? For twenty years my filter and plan was for "us" -- what did "we" need in a house. Then that blew up and I discover that a single family home with a yard for the kids to play in etc doesn't make as much sense going forward, as the kids are getting older and I have no interest in pushing a mower. So I think: condo? Moored yacht? Decent camper parked on hunting acreage? Penthouse downtown? I still have som…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 10:45 PM
5

Not exactly what you're looking for. I got a little raise, and that helped. but the big difference is I plugged the hole in my [was our] savings account. So my net savings rate and progress toward larger goals is about the same, even tho I added that significant extra expense. I'm interested in your other responses, tho, I'd like to pick up the pace a little. Also a new car would be nice.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 09:08 PM
1

Find a (new) place you can have a dog. Get a good looking dog. Walk the dog 2x daily at the park where the singles walk their dogs. Enjoy the conversations. If you have trouble getting such a place, get your doc to write you a letter for an Emotional Support Animal. The apartment can't refuse you or charge you all the extra fees if it is a bona fide/documented ESA. You gotta get up and get moving man. You don't need to be dating or whatever, but you need to be out looking and talking, moving you…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 07:22 PM
5

95+% probability she's already in conversation with a lawyer. Unless she's just dumb, which I doubt. So you best getcha consultation scheduled asap. Bring your numbers, not your feelings. You're looking for guidance on Best case scenario and how to begin to restructure your sitch to make it happen Worst case scenarios and how to avoid them. In the meantime, look up Michelle Wiener Davis "the 180" and implement that. To do so you're going to need to learn the "grey rock" and get good at it. Stop …
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 11:41 AM
1

I mean, she can still say that. But demonstrable evidence (txt convo w your buddy) that she's entirely full of shit will help you out if it goes down like that. I didn't have it, buddy did tho. Fxxn mess.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/24 01:56 PM
2

The firearms aren't the problem. The silver bullet is the problem. She can't say "he threatened me with a gun, I don't feel safe with his guns, etc " if there are no guns on the premises.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/24 01:27 AM
4

It's time to be done with it, friend. Find a good local divorce attorney and pay cash for a consultation. Do not disclose this consultation to your wife. Bring to the consultation a set of facts, not sob stories, about your financial situation and recent abuse scenarios. ask the lawyer to outline the divorce process for you, what can you do to prepare for a smooth severance, and equitable distribution. How can yiu continue to be a part of your children's lives? With the lawyer's advice in mind,,…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 01:22 AM
4

I'm 45 with the same plan as you, but without any intention of racking up a "body count". I would suggest you consider the lives of the older men you know IRL. Especially the guys who you admire or would emulate. What are they really like? What is important to them, what keeps them going, what is fulfilling and gives them joy? I think you're eventually going to want a couple relationships that are more than nine inches deep. Not necessarily with a female partner. You're going to want someone to …
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 11:33 AM
3

Dude we should write a manual of engagement.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 07:59 PM
3

Yes. Copy of birth cert etc. And 7. Get any/every firearm off the property yesterday. Borrow a few slots in a buddy's safe. And txt/email the buddy when you get the deal done so there is a date stamp
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 07:51 PM
15

Search up "Michelle Weiner Davis 180" Search up "Glover no more mr nice guy" You are right to be angry, but you might be angry at the wrong person. You've been doing it wrong, and you're getting the result. (I did it wrong too for 19 years, now divorced with five kids, now doing it more like right, and getting much better results) I personally, based on what you said, would take the following steps in addition to reading and implementing those resources i linked. Not a drop of alcohol from now u…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 07:33 PM
1

"I'm terrified of dying alone" You are unable to find, have, keep, uphold any good solid relationship if you are bringing this into it. No woman can save you from this. You must face it yourself. you must enter that deep darkness and get thru to the other side. Once thru it, the whole world opens up, but before then it is only a dark tunnel. There is only one way, no getting around it. Multiple modalities, methods, but you must go thru it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 08:45 PM
2

So listen, try and remember. What's best for you is best for everybody. In the negotiations, you be aggressive (within reason) to keep more of your money. If you have more, you can be generous. If you give it all away in the agreement, you'll have less ability to be generous, and you'll be resentful of it. Keep your money now! Then you can spend it on them later. The person you're negotiating with/against is not your wife. She is exiting that relationship, rejecting it. It does not matter what s…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 12:56 PM
2

Only be careful not to drill bigger holes than you plugged. Watch out especially for monthly subscription services, be super careful with that. Start thinking a little bigger than a home theater system. Nothing wrong with that at all, I just got a new receiver myself. But you aren't going to want to work forever. Start thinking investments, whether in finance or in real estate or in a business or whatever, aim higher/longer. My goal is to retire at the same age as I was on track to before the di…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 12:47 PM
5

Full custody isn't going to go away. You decide what you want for you, what your values are. Any relationship is going to involve collaboration and compromise on both parts. You're regularly going to be confronted with the question of what do you want more: this relationship or ______. In no relationship is the answer going to always be "both". What I think every man needs to be free from is the need for validation from a woman, attention or security in the belonging of a relationship, and the n…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 03:38 PM
4

Yup. You still got your balls, your brains, whatever your motivation is. Even if you wrote a check for every last fuxxing dime, you would wake up tomorrow an intact male with a phone full of contacts and a credit card to get started. I only lost a quarter million. I'm recovered in the cash a year.5 later, on track to recover fully in three more. Get it man, get it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 01:58 PM
8

Do what you do, but with more intensity. If you run or cycle, join a club and get active. Gamer? Same thing. Local pro sports? Fan/ tailgate club. Go to whatever meetings, help out and volunteer. Maybe hold "office" if it's structured like that. But participate and (necessarily) interact with plenty of people. If you get on the apps, you're gonna find someone who is on the apps. Cheap and easy and a royal head trip. If you find someone at the bar, same thing. If you get involved and active in yo…
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 09:49 AM
2

I think you need to play relational hardball, BUT it will fall out and affect the kids. Do you have family you can tap for help? You need them kinda on-call for ... six months If not, next call is a good divorce attorney. You have to "save yourself" to salvage something for your kids. Either way, she's gonna bottom it out before she turns around. Sorry, man.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 05:21 PM
1

I think he means to talk about how you are feeling currently, not to try and save a marriage. Your other relationships are very important, and I think you ought to take extra steps to preserve them. That's gonna require extra work on your part, in this case talking to the pastor/worship pastor/ elders about what's going on, how you're feeling, finding a way to move forward positively. They love you and want to keep you, too.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 10:26 AM
6

I'm just a few months ahead of you in the process. Tho I could give a shit to be actually friends with her, amicability makes it easier to negotiate kid/time issues so I keep it friendly-like. Also have some traumatic incidents "whoppers" I try to always keep in mind that people are doing the best they can, in any given situation. We each have limited tools and limited perspective, and sometimes we are acting out of drives and desires which were programmed into us as kids and we don't even reali…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/24 01:58 AM
1

You've got the wrong goal. Her loving you again is a byproduct of a life lived well, it is not life itself. The day you make her love the goal is the day you stop living well, and guarantee missing the life and the love. You must honor yourself, and if you have God in your understanding, you must honor God, FIRST. That means honoring your interests, your preferences,, your sense of mission and calling. Your values and ideals. You absolutely must honor that. In the context of pursuing your own li…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 11:26 PM
2

Right. Before 6/5, you need to have had a convo (cash, not disclosed) with a top end divorce attorney. You need to have made a plan, based on that convo, on how to save yourself financially in the case (not possibility) of divorce. You need to have begun to make the financial structure changes and other changes (all your passwords! Now!) with the goal of running a nice smooth divorce process doing as little damage as possible to your relationships with children and friends, and your future of su…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/24 12:53 AM
2

Fist bump to "giving up drinking entirely." I don't need or want an anesthetic.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 09:20 AM
2

I think internally you need to let it go. But externally you need to treat it like a trespasser. Overblow it a little bit. New policy, you decide the policy. Make a clear statement of the policy and response to infractions which is not personally vindictive. Put in an email and send it. Copy it to a mediator/her lawyer if there is one.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 06:43 AM
3

Tell the truth, but do not justify, explain, bargain, whine, argue in any way. We were fishing from the shore. They were under direct supervision the entire time. They were not wearing life vests. Personally, I have kids, they swim like fish. If they are in a boat, they are wearing a PFD. On shore? Nope, even before they were good swimmers. Fast water or big currents or in the surf, always warrants close attention, and for a smaller one in the surf I have put on PFD if I wasn't going to be in ar…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/24 08:10 PM
-1

Yes to all the above, not sure why you would say Jesus isn't for everyone. He absolutely is for everyone, especially for us when we're scrubbing the gravel bottom.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 10:32 AM
13

Get CS from her. Put it into a fund for the kids' (secondary school,, biz startup, down payment, whatever) if you don't want to spend it. 1500/mo is decent money. Get it. Edit: by "decent money" I mean 35-40k depending on your daughter's age. I personally would dig hard to get that. I understand your emotional state, and it really affects us. But suspend that for a minute and think clearly to make an action plan.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 10:35 AM
1

This is a real thing, also with hormone imbalance. I remember gently asking when was the last time you had blood work, hormones checked. And the answer was "just a few weeks ago: everything is fine". Which, I know damn well that everything is not fine. But whatcha gonna do, demand to see the results? We're all adults! We can work together to fix/save/rebuild, but not if we're committed to bullshitting each other.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 12:04 PM
2

While we're at it, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Dude who wins the prize has his own vision, leads his own pack, has his own place where he collects the most beautiful things. And in that context he attracts the best female. If he had fixated on chasing skirt he'd be somebody's bitch, doing somebody's dirty work, in whatever place he could afford, and be griping about it. Which is a different movie but a shifty one so I can't think of an example. Edit: bitch
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 12:11 AM
2

Territory dispute. She wants the gym. Do you want the gym? Make sure to be there when she gets there and grey-rock her. She'll last only a couple weeks. Do you want to find something else to do or another time to be there? It's up to you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 04:57 PM
1

Good. My kids all know about my diagnosis and treatment. I don't make a big deal of it, but I figure a big part of mental difficulties are genetic, so they're going to get to deal with it someday. So I'm open about it all. When I'm feeling really low, I let them see it and I'm open about I'm hurting right now. AND we are still doing the activities we planned and having a good time, so they see that I'm not letting it stop me living. Do you plan activities in advance? I try and talk this weekend …
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 10:12 AM
1

Hey man I have a different take, tho there's some good ideas in this thread. I think you need to man up and take care of yourself, especially you need to address the loneliness and depression. I don't know what you have for insurance/ resources, but if you afford it at all, talk to a psychiatrist about the depression. They will likely prescribe a medication to address it, and might want to refer you to talk therapy to address the loneliness and situational stress. Again assuming you can afford i…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 01:03 AM
2

Two months ago
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 11:13 AM
1

Who do you want to be with? What sorts of activities do those people do? Find a group, get the equipment, get engaged. Example, I had a friend several years ago decided he likes people who are into charity/human services work. And also disc golf. So that guy got himself a set of discs, and he signed up with a "helping hands" volunteer matching service. The golfing turned into a business, and I think he's an organizer for some ministry now. Not bored, not lonely. And if he does decide to date, it…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 11:11 AM
1

Good choices. Where do you put your energy? I got a mountain bike, there's a great local group and a bunch of trails; I blow off quite a bit of steam out there. I'm taking the steps to get my little LLC side hustle out of limp mode into first gear. ;) Lotta fuckin work. No time for bars or apps or girls.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 11:59 AM
1

Couple things you can do about it: Check your idea of "happy couple", betcha half of those need help. More importantly, whatever you're talking about "stuck a cycle" make of very high priority to address, and start doing something about it. Your health and vitality matters, really only you can defend and build it, you can get help and make changes. One change at a time but "happiness " is absolutely not constrained to intact marriage/ whole family. Really for your own sake, but also for the sake…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 11:49 AM
4

Custody battle? Daughter? Especially if a daughter, you think thrubwhat it says to her little heart if her mom is replaced immediately. If you come to the same conclusion I have come to, you'll build a hard high wall between kids and dates. Kids don't know she exists, she doesn't meet them. For a long time. Monk mode is probably the higher path tho, good on you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 01:59 PM
5

"take responsibility for it" means verbally own it and apologize? Not good enough my friend. It needs to mean verbally own it and apologize and take first steps to address the underlying problem. As in, get off reddit right now and find an adhd specialist in your area and fill the shit out to get an appointment. Now, tonight. Other dude agrees with me Also your body agrees with me, look at your fuxking headline. You wrote that, not me.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:55 AM
9

If you're breathing, you're not sunk. Negotiate a treatment plan with your wife. Stay married. Follow the treatment plan, take your meds. Be the hero your daughter knows you are. After the divorce (I hope you're catastrophizing and wrong), you'll still have ADHD, only then the security net will be gone and you'll have to manage it to survive. So manage it now and thrive.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:04 AM
3

Hey that's fine. You can play the "I can't succeed without you" card at the house. In here tho you gotta leave that bullshit go. Of course you were just fine before she showed up and you'll be just fine once you get reorient. Don't go anywhere until you seek legal counsel. Change all your passwords, yesterday.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 09:22 PM
5

As of yesterday, you need a daily ritual that gets you out of the house for 1.5 hours then gets you back. Figure out an extended lunch w your boss. Get a mountain bike and a rack or some running shoes or something. Most of the time, you are doing your activity on your lunch. This is really good for you, with or without your situation. Your productivity will go up. Sometimes you are using your lunch hour for zoom call consultation, paid in cash or prepaid debit, with 1. Lawyer. 2 depends on your …
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 07:58 PM
2

Also in NC, way different situation. Your first stop is a lawyer on a cash consult. Bring all your numbers. Don't waste your $hour on sob stories, obviously. Second stop is a financial advisor I think, you're retiring so you need to get the nickels and dimes in the right slots. There's ways to divide the estate to make it work the best but you need professional help. Remember what's best for you is what's best for everyone. Sit down by your lonesome and make a plan for your next chapter. Do you …
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 09:57 PM
8

Hey my man. Listen. Read that first paragraph you wrote. All the things you said about yourself. I don't know how true they are. "I give in" "I have resentment" "I've just accepted unhappiness " Now pay attention. Divorce will not fix YOU. You will be the same person on the other side. Unless you do the work, and you make the changes. She doesn't have the opportunity to "refuse to change" you. If you continue the divorce path, she is going to have the changes dropped in her lap. You cannot have …
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/24 11:22 AM
3

Work thru it, put it into action. It takes a while but you'll see how deep you are in the muck and it's gonna take some digging to get out. But once you get your head into some fresh air you'll have more strength and be able to catch a glimpse of possibilities and want to keep going til you're out entirely. I'm somewhere in the middle. Wish I could reach back to that young man I was before he got married and show him what I've seen. Still would have married and had a family I think but on entire…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 04:07 PM
2

If I could just add an underline to your no alcohol at all . Under duress, the bottle is your mortal enemy. Put it far away from you. And thru the process, I came to realize that I need to bringing my A game all the time, and quit for good.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/24 07:14 PM
2

Now we're talking. Keep good records.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 12:58 AM
1

I pay for a 750k life insurance policy, x is beneficiary. The way I get out of feeling angry about bills is the way I have my budget set up and my accounts structured. Budget. All of the predictable expenses are budgeted, from rent and utilities to larger tickets like insurances and alimony etc. and I get an annual number, divide it by 52 for a weekly number. I label this number "bills" and I have automatic drafts set up to go out of that account. For everything possible, I don't see the money. …
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 02:46 PM
1

Getcha dog that needs walked daily. Pref a rescue/pound dog with a cuteness factor. Take it in the car to a park where the singles walk their dogs. Then, don't be a creep. Just be a guy walking his dog enjoying the evening. Let them come to you. In an apartment? Get your doc to prescribe the dog as an "emotional support animal" so yiu don't have to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/24 12:30 AM
3

I say the following with the understanding that we are men of honor and we would never actually abandon our children or legitimate obligations. That being said, you need to flip the script. What if she believed that you were just playing nice during negotiations, and actually had plans to "take the money and run" never actually paying a future dime? What if she overheard you talking to a friend about retiring early, meeting some hot chick in _____ (cheap country), how your half mil is enough to …
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/24 11:17 PM
2

I think yours is a good idea, use your leverage to negotiate her financial participation. You can work a lump sum contribution into the house sale to make it painless and "fair ". However, I think that you might check your own thinking about your own obligations toward your adult son. I appreciate, and agree with, your desire to help him as much as possible, to get as far ahead as possible. But you know about yourself, and can realize about him, that eventually he needs to make his own way. Soon…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/24 03:00 PM
8

Hey friend. I remember that. First couple weeks out were rough. I would take breaks at work, go cry for a couple minutes, get my shit together then go work for a couple hours before I needed another break. This will pass because it has to -- your body gets physically exhausted of crying. you are not alone, you are not weak for feeling this way. It is because she is a part of you and you are being torn apart. You'll get thru it. Consider a pet, I kept my old cat. I had her on the DL from my apart…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 01:58 AM
4

No no no no no. In order to be made whole, you need to be able to replace everything you leave behind 1:1. So you go thru with your camera and take pics of everything as it is. And yiu price it out as though you were going to buy it the day you move out. Same with the house, yiu get current appraisal. So for example the dining set, you look up that exact dining set new, today, and that is the value. Because in order to replace it that's what you would be spending. Your number is going to be big.…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/24 10:05 PM
1

Class reunion.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 06:09 PM
3

I have, and I would say that his philosophy (and yours as stated) set me up for a miserable relationship which I have ended at considerable cost to all involved. I reject it. Look at your biology. You are an all-terrain explorer, equipped to penetrate and propagate, fashion tools, weapons, shields, and beauty. You are at your best when you are moving into a frontier. Especially as a male, but as a human being. Frankl's "meaning" is a construct of looking backwards at the trail of stories and rel…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 12:40 PM
5

But for some rare exceptions, people are doing their best to meet their felt needs within their perceived constraints. Every person learned as early as infancy patterns of behaviors and strategies to get their needs met. Honestly. She's doing her best. Just like you're doing your best. It's a hard pill to swallow, but see if you can take her side in the conflict. In the case of mine, she was (is?) hurt and angry and afraid. All unnecessarily, from my perspective, she had it made. But from her pe…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 11:16 AM
1

Seriously, tho. What do you like to DO? If you treat experience as something to "have" then you are right it is richer to "have" someone to "share it with". But the real adventure and experience and story is a byproduct of DOing something, SEEKing something. What do you want to EXPLORE? Go, explore, seek, do what you want to do, because you want to do it. Experiences will happen as a byproduct. And relationships from shared experiences. The seed of the plant, tho, is doing.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 09:53 AM
3

No really. Get on it post haste. Your money belongs in your bank; she has another support system. The whole thing sucks and at least to me would feel super insulting. But the financial part is a win for you. Take it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 01:40 AM
11

Gottman said he could predict pretty accurately. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/24 07:01 PM
2

"I'm sorry you experienced that." The way she feels now is the way she felt then, and that is what really happened; you'll never successfully argue/ reason thru it. But if she was a coworker, and she told you that her ex did that, you would say _____. And that's what you say. It's not about you, now. It's about some other guy, back then. You take care of your business, now. Let her work thru her stuff at her own pace.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 11:30 PM
15

For the boy, he needs to be with a father who does not need a woman. Or else he will become a young man who needs his mother, then transfers that need to a woman who is similar. Which you don't want for him. Or for yourself. Might be better to channel that time energy and money into man stuff. Dirt bike? Power boat? I got a couple mountain bikes and a sailboat. College grad thinks you're too old? Hit the gym and get a better car.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 01:46 PM
1

Talk to a lawyer! In my state it is earning potential, not necessarily actual earnings. Talk to a lawyer and make a plan.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 06:34 PM
4

Just a little louder for the ones not paying attention. WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU IS WHAT IS BEST FOR THE KIDS
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 06:31 PM
3

I took a trip home two summers ago. Neighbors across the street really helped raise me, I owe them and love them a lot. They are on their eighties. He is verbally, perhaps physically, abusive. She is pretty much stuck with it, miserable, and both living their last days colored with each others ugliest crayons. I thought, this might be my future. I wondered, what would either of them advise my situation? And the answer was a quick clean severance of relationship. Emphasis on quick and clean. We d…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 06:27 PM
4

Wow is this my alt account? Except for the end, I have a similar pattern. Except I am the person still fully engaged with God/religion, and I don't know what she's doing. It was really awkward, for years, going to Sunday school class and she's sitting shoulder turned against me and only participate to challenge something I said, then on the opposite end of the pew (!) in the service. I will say I have had a different experience on the backside tho. Lots of support from folks in the church for my…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 07:07 PM
10

Little bit louder, please, for the folks in the back.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 11:46 AM
2

You're not understanding, I think. You need to decide what you want, big picture, small picture, without reference to the woman at all. Reference to God alone. Then, with an eye to the North Star (what you want) make decisions, negotiate. You do not give a fuck if she is happy, fulfilled, empowered, disempowered,disgruntled, etc. If you can negotiate win-win, it's better. But you cannot make decisions based upon your perception of what she wants or doesn't want. That way of doing things is over …
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/23 06:57 PM
3

Caveat: I like to cook and am pretty good at it. Limited resources, start at the library. Go to the cookbook section and peruse thru the ones with pictures and find a couple with food you like. Then pick one or two meals. Take the cookbook to the grocery store and get the ingredients. Read the preparation instructions and get the items you need at the secondhand store or Walmart. Get some cheap "glad-lock" plastic containers for the fridge. Make the full recipe, and enjoy the leftovers until you…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/23 06:34 PM
2

Same thing we would tell a male in this position. Get a lawyer consultation for cash. You do not need to move out/anywhere. You do not need to disclose the consultation. You do need to get the bull by the horns of the situation, make your plan, and work it. As you're making your plan and working it, same thing I would say to a male. Do not be vindictive, spiteful, intentionally unkind. Do not waste money/assets/headache just to get yours. Keep the long view, you and this person are going to shar…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/23 12:32 AM
6

Elon Musk has a miles long wake of fucked up mess. Did you get to the bit where he's got two women giving birth in the same wing of the hospital, one is is estranged wife the other is a surrogate and he ran and hid in the development campus. Not exemplary. Fascinating, but not exemplary.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/23 01:21 PM
3

I think it has some value. You don't need to be an alcoholic to work the twelve steps. If you're catholic they say "make a good confession " amd that is actually a lot of soul work to do. But having gotten to where you can see your own part clearly, admit your wrongdoings and face that person in the mirror, you have to get to forgiveness. Then start building. Your kids need a dad who does is own work and presses thru the hard stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/23 12:50 PM
5

I'm not putting the fault on you. People change for lots of reasons, and marriage makes us vulnerable to changes in another person which we can't control. Still, you don't have access to what she was thinking and feeling and her experience, so you really can't know. And even if you did know, you can't change it. The experience that you have access to is your own, and the only changes you can make are today forward. I don't think carrying animosity for a person is a good use of your energy. For o…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/23 06:56 PM
5

Add weight to the squat bar
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/23 11:38 AM
13

Friend it's a legitimate way to feel. The problem is that there's nothing you can do about it, because you can't change the other person and can't change the past. So it just sits there and you feel hatred in your person in the present. Which is unproductive. Justified but not helpful. Here is where I have gotten to. What kind of (young) man gets together with a (young) lady like that in the first place? Why did he find her attractive, and vice versa? What caused him to ignore those red flags, w…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/23 11:35 AM
1

Hey, I don't think a "personality disorder " is untreatable, the point of the DSM-V is to organize disorders in such a way as to predict outcomes of treatment. If you have the resources (insurance) it would be a great service to your child to work with a professional. Almost all of them are "virtual " now so it's really convenient and doesn't cost you a day off work. If it was me, I would start by seeking an evaluation by a psychiatrist. And based on that, find a treatment option(s). It will pro…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/23 08:23 AM
7

I mean, there's something to be said for "in sickness and in health" .. but your role as the healthy one is limit exposure of the marital unit to the damages of illness. The charges of abuse, for example, are seriously damaging to US as well as to you. As are spending sprees and etc. You have to do what it takes to take care of the household which feels like it's under attack. I don't think this is license, tho, to abandon someone. Neither to run off with someone else. You're just shoring up. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/23 05:50 PM
3

She may have to move out. Ftfy
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/23 11:44 AM
2

Was your ex in sorta-close-enough contact with a sibling or cousin or someone who could pass the news, not you? I agree with the general sentiment that you don't need to expose yourself to hurt/frustration over it, but your ex is still a person who (presumably) had a human connection to your mother that is worth honoring. Only don't get hurt yourself, if you can find a helper. If something happened to one of my ex's parents, and I was kept in the dark, it would be hurtful to me. Because my relat…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/23 12:18 AM
1

"maybe she'll change her mind" but she'll still be the person who pulled this stunt.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/23 11:02 PM
3

https://imgur.com/gallery/zUgiPVn Friend it's a war of narrative. The feminists spin a world where fatherhood is irrelevant; men are farmed for resources. Life is from mothers, direction is from mothers, vision and challenge are from mothers. Damn that snake to hell, one arrow at a time. Get it king
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 08:00 AM
2

I got a wall map of our region, it's three or four feet square. On my apartment wall. When we do activities, I take pictures. (I have to be intentional about this, im not the Instagram type) then I have them printed at the walgreens, and I tape them on the wall around the map. I got some string and I make a line between a cluster of pics and the location of the activity. So I have a sort of picture adventure log on my wall. The kids think it's cool. But more importantly it is helping me face for…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 04:59 PM
2

He did. I didn't listen.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 07:04 PM
1

I pay 1700/mo for my apartment, all other expenses even out, and my net worth was halved-minus-expenses related to divorce. Which I'm still incurring because we're not quite done yet. This not even to try and account for the emotional cost. You've got grown kids and grandkids that are all going to have questions, fears, angers, opinions about this. You are going to have some relationship mortality on the divorce path. You're going to have to negotiate who gets to have whom come over for Thanksgi…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 08:26 AM
2

OP this is a good word here. 12k/ann times how many years? It's pennies on the dollar. If you've been the only earner long enough to have grandchildren, you are going to the cleaners. Divorce needs to be the last option.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 12:28 AM
6

Eww. I have suspected this too. "Keep your enemies closer" is the only strategy I can imagine might have worked in my situation but honestly I don't think I have the psychology/duplicity to pull that off. I did watch my wife distance herself from the set of friends who would have/did encourage her to work it out. She chose the rabble. Hurts, though, makes me angry. I trust God with it, whether he chooses or not to avenge me it will be the right choice. I have to keep my nose in my own business, …
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 08:39 PM
8

I got a five year old boy. He's awesome, likes to race. If he gets ahead of me, he turns around to see where I am. No one, not even him, can run forward while looking backward. He doesn't always eat turf, but often enough. He does always slow down, look goofy, run all wonky. Face forward, champ, and get it in gear. If that other person wants to get back with you, she'll find a way to catch up. If not, not.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 09:57 PM
1

I think the first step is to get with yourself and get clear about your goals. Longer term. How's it gonna be in 5, 10, 20 years? What do you want the relationships to be? For example, and you do you, I want to know my kids. To be invited to their important events. To host my grandkids and spoil them. For me, that meant a couple things: > awareness of the possibility of parental alienation and its mechanisms, and work to undermine the possibility, especially by becoming a better listener and est…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/23 10:33 AM
0

They are a prey species, a rodent. Do not feel sorry for them unless they are being actively abused or starved/neglected. Twenty-four hours of "freedom," at least in my environment, would make them somebody's (hawk, coyote) meal. Let the rabbits go. Go down to the library and get a couple books about rabbits, make a bridge with the kids. That's a relationship that is worth working on.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/23 02:42 AM
3

Don't skip leg day. Most of the back problems, "dad bod" posture, stiff movements, trouble getting up and down is weak legs. Take your time( might be months) to get into a full ROM squat with just the bar, then start adding weight, a little every session.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 10:06 AM
4

Pay cash for a consultation with a divorce attorney. Bring to the consultation an approximation of all your assets and liabilities, income from all sources. Do not bring your complaints about behavior/treatment/cheating that won't help. Tell the attorney your concerns, how do I avoid getting taken to the cleaners. Listen carefully and take notes. The attorney is giving you clues how to live the next year or so til you can fix it. Make a game plan. My game plan included: stay in the house, do not…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/23 12:02 PM
2

I do understand, actually. It sounds like a divorce lawyer is a good next step. You need to have accurate information about the costs involved, how to set yourself up to be generous not enslaved, and continue to be in your son's picture as a top-notch man. You do not need to let the woman know you did this, in fact it is maybe the only time I actually lied to my (stbx)wife. I said in another reply, best damn 275 I ever spent. And continue to make the most of that therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 11:57 AM
2

Well you said that you don't want to have sex with her. So yeah, there's other issues. Are you having no sex? sex with your hand? watching other people have sex on a screen? If the drive isn't there at all, there might be a physical reason, or a psychological reason that is way too deep for reddit. If the drive is there but you're bleeding off tension into the shower or whatever, I would suggest a 30, 90-day vacation from jacking. See what happens. Just because the woman doesn't want to talk to …
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 11:45 AM
0

Well you said you read that Glover book. You DO NOT need to divorce this person, but you DO need to get YOU moving forward. Her priorities need to get in line with you, and they will to the degree that you are full steam ahead. Or they won't and she will leave. Do you know God and have a sense of his mission for you? What's the next step in your career? Do you have other goals for your life/family? Do you have major financial goals (college fund, house, retirement, etc?) My dad is a pilot and a …
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 09:33 AM
2

Do you want to be doing a death by thousand cuts when you're eighty? What about sixty, is that desirable at sixty? What about at forty? Is that going to be good when you're forty? Thirty-five? What about next year? Do you want to be slinking around in your home hoping to avoid being nagged about ... Do you want your son to grow up in this dynamic, and to replicate it in his relationships? ... then get the fuck moving. Sounds like the first step is to polish that resume and get a promotion/new jo…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 08:12 AM
2

No more kids until it's resolved. Use her desire for another child to get her motivated to address the issues. You don't need her to be "nice." You need her to be honest and to be willing to make changes, just like you are. An adult. At an early stage, a friend counseled me to talk to a lawyer ASAP. So I did, on the DL. Paid for an hour consultation, best $275 I ever spent. I didn't retain her, we went the mediation route. But I went into that knowing what the process might look like and how to …
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 08:07 AM
9

Hey man, you've mentioned her social media a couple times in this thread. I think you would do yourself a favor to take a step back from watching the show. No matter how you feel/report on the surface, you've got a deep connection to this person underneath, and to watch her tear it all apart hurts you way down. It can derail you from your better, healthier track, take the wind out of your sails. I'm not saying block or no-contact or unfollow, only to give it some distance for a time.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/23 11:35 AM
3

You need to find a therapist for you, not for her. Her issues are hers, your issues are yours. You can't work on her issues because she's an independent adult. But you can work on yours.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/23 11:54 PM
1

I get that. Mine is the same, but we do have a benefits package and psychological counseling is covered with a co-pay. So I use my one-hour lunch break to do therapy session on zoom a couple times a month. My therapist isn't even that good, I don't think, but damn that's been helpful to have a safe place to vent and clear my head. If you ask nicely, any large church will have a counselor/pastor on staff, and will likely see you for free. It really will help to let it out somewhere safe, and be v…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 01:35 PM
1

There you go. Does your work have benefits that would pay for therapy/counseling? The breaking down into weeping is normal, feeling like a loser, defeated, rejected, that's normal. Losing interest in activities is part of mourning. If these things didn't happen to you, you just trucked on through like nothing happened, that would not be normal. This is a huge loss, a rejection, a breaking, and a disruption of future hopes. It's gonna take some time. But while you're going through it, try to take…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 11:24 AM
1

Kids? If not, get your ass moved to a proper city as soon as your lease is up. Use the lease term as a deadline to find a new job. Use the new job to help you decide on a city. Most cities have decent fishing within a couple hours. Most of them also have clusters of older singles and social life, if you can visit a few times or even get on the relevant subreddit, you can find a good place to live. New chapter dog.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/23 05:23 PM
1

That's what mine looks like. Although thank God my situation wasn't this ugly. (Mother apparently tried to use father's sleep apnea to refuse him picking up the kids for visitation) Man get a copy of No More Mr Nice Guy and work thru it while you're still dating around. Marriage can be wonderful and is worth the risk. Failure at marriage doesn't have to ruin your life. But it sure can get ugly, as this document shows. So step wise.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/23 02:03 AM
3

Hey man, it's just like a mortgage. Best practice is to have several months of bills in the bank. Child support is one of the bills. So stack cash til you have ___ months padding (my preferred number is six) in a savings account. Then its just back to normal, month by month. Whatever happens happens. If you lose a job, make a phone call. "I lost my job" .. at least my agreement has renegotiation stipulation if my income falls below a certain amount. Meanwhile you can still hold up your end of th…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/23 01:44 AM
30

Hey friend. I am two months past the date you describe. I can tell you a couple things. It hurts like everything you are afraid of. I described it to people as my body being torn to bits from the inside. For two weeks. Some days there would be multiple times a day when I would break from work and go cry for a few minutes (really cry out loud). But this is actually unsustainable by your physical body so you will get thru it. Try really hard to not medicate with alcohol or binging sweets or porn o…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/23 12:06 PM
3

Wait my dude. Go punish the pull-up bar. or the kick bag or the treadmill or the pool, whichever. Then. Form a positive vision for how you would like a handoff to go down. Try and imagine it from the perspective of the child. What do you want them to feel and experience? Then, work to build that experience. You might need to use the court or whatever but I suspect you can figure out how to make it better for the kids "on the cheap" in terms of your emotional energy and legal expenses. to "punish…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/23 08:06 AM
1

This right here. Even the cheapest route is super expensive and will gut you emotionally and spiritually. Do your math, not only in terms of finances but personal soul-work. In your math, cut everything in half. That's what divorce costs. If you "spent" the same dollars and emotional/spiritual strength to renew the marriage, would it be good? or no good?
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 09:53 AM
1

I bet you haven't played out/gigged for a while tho. It's a good way to rediscover your city.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 01:34 AM
3

That's what I mean. I can't recommend it or not, it's not my intention. But I know of guys who have done it and they enjoy being on a kind of extended vacation with increased buying power. I've got some real good reasons to hang in here locally but otherwise I'd at least court the idea.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/23 01:29 AM
3

Boise. Charlotte or Durham NC Eastern WA (e g Spokane) Upstate NY But if you really have no ties, you can use Pimsleur or similar program to learn enough of a language to get around in a year or less.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/23 09:27 PM
7

You are about to discover the size of your tank. It's way bigger than you know.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/23 12:39 AM
11

The concepts of "conservative" and "gentleman" and a "I don't expect anything (sexual) to happen" don't go together very well with I met this hot chick on a plane, we exchanged numbers, and I filed for separation from my wife when I got home. I mean, I support you to do whatever, but be honest with yourself about your intentions and interests.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 10:26 AM
8

Second paragraph: stop lying. Until you're ready to cut the shit, you aren't ready to date.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 01:18 AM
2

I'm in the same stage of the process as you, asking a similar question. My take is, what is most valuable to me in the long view? My answer is to get those kids "off campus" into a fresh environment on a regular basis. And to have a solid working relationship with each of my children, so that I am welcome/invited into achievements, weddings, grandchildren, etc. To get that I don't need to have them *every* weekend, but most weekends would be nice. Can you work out taking them for the first three…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/22 10:45 AM
1

If you are even remotely religious, I would point you to Exodus 90. Find a cohort of guys through a local catholic parish (I'm not catholic and I was welcomed) and do it. They usually start in January.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 11:30 AM
1

Storage unit maybe?
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/22 10:02 AM
1

Look up "stages of grief" .. it's a documented process, you are normal. If you can afford to, many insurance policies cover it, find a licensed counselor to talk to. If you don't have a social network (like a church pastor or similar) to make a recommendation, your insurance website will have a tool to find a provider. Best thing I ever did was talk to a counselor.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 12:49 AM
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